Brother Cambrius Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 Hello everyone, since I've now finished on one of my projects I've been ferreting away over the last week or so fixing up this chapter. Here goes: Decimators Name: Decimators Geneseed: Iron Hands Founding: 17th Homeworld: Kairus [Destroyed.] Now fleet based Location: Segmentum Obscurus http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g119/Scallyscanlon/Bolter%20and%20Chainsword/Decimators.gif We live in a universe of apathy, greed, corruption and power, where xenos attack our every front and heretics attack from within. When it seems that all chance of mankind enduring is lost, there is hope, there is courage, honour and justice to protect humankind. For we are the Decimators, we are the sons of Ferrus Manus and we are the hammer that strikes against the anvil of war and death, forging our victories. We cleanse the xenos, purge the heretic and bring redemption to all who attempt to destroy us. May our enemies fear us, for we are their destruction! Chapter Master Fernus during the siege of Garosh. History The Decimators bear a long history of bringing justice onto the enemies of the Imperium. Forged from gene-seed of the Iron Hands successor, the Brazen Claws, they were destined to be the great hammer that strikes against the enemy as the weapon of the Emperor and Ferrus. Founded in the 17th creation of Astartes, they were trained in the Segmentum Obscurus by the Iron Fists as they fought against the Eldar and Orks. The Decimators had soon created a great tally of victories against the xenos and heretics and were declared after 122 years of tutoring under the Iron Fists and fighting alongside other chapters as their strength built, as a fully fledged chapter. To fully declare the chapter as being independent, Chapter Master Grevius declared a crusade against the Orks that were plaguing the important systems of the Nexus ring, nearby Kairus and contained many agri-worlds and forge-worlds. The fledgling chapter demonstrated great dedication in their cleansing of the Ork menace, saving the system from what the Collegia Tactica would have deemed a great tragedy and loss to the Imperium. Their time as a fully-fledged chapter had begun, crusade after crusade proved their zeal and courage to fight for the Emperor and Ferrus, facing off many enemies such as the ruinous powers of Chaos on Gravok and against the sadistic Dark Eldar pirates who were striking terror raids throughout the Si-run cluster. Enemies of the Imperium began to fear the sight of the Decimators and it is rumoured that squads of enemies simply executed themselves rather than face the fury of the Decimators, but these accounts were extremely rare, where the enemy had already been low on morale. But the chapter also learnt harsh lessons during their early history as defeats took their toll on the chapter and its master. Around 80 years after the chapter were declared as a fully-fledged chapter they came across a newfound xenos the Sharom who were deemed a threat to the Imperium after invading the noble-world of Tranquis. The Decimators were ordered to destroy the xenos before they could cause any more problems to the all ready stretched system, as many of their units had left to bolster the Eye of Terror as a new Black Crusade by the Despoiler was expected to begin. The Sharom The Sharom were great war-like beasts with clumps of white fur dispersed on their grey hides around their chest and head. They were a xenos race built upon brute strength that carry blunt weapons of power and force, the most common being a stone club, which was able to conduct electricity through it and could kill a squad of marines with ease after a few well placed swings. The Tech priests confiscated the weapons after the crusade and it is unknown what has happened to them since. It was clear that the race had to be annihilated before they began to invade more nearby Imperial systems and spread its xenos filth. The Decimators chapter master, Grevius decided to take a strong strike force into the large cities of the Sharom that hid beneath the mountains of their planets. The orbital bombardment of the fleet gathered around the planet surprisingly failed to destroy the xenos due to the depth of their settlements and so Grevius decided to make a daring attack by infiltrating into the mountains where the Sharom laid and place thermobaric bombs within the caverns. All went well and the bombs were placed by the main structures of the mountain, so Grevius with his elite squads pulled out, but unbeknownst to them, a malfunction in the timer of the bombs mistimed the explosion and it detonated before the last squads of Decimators pulled out of the mountain, including Grevius and his command squad. The Sharom were more or less destroyed by the blast and the mountain was levelled, but miraculously Grevius and a handful of others survived the blast and were knocked down into a great ravine. All were severely injured and four of the chapter’s finest died of their wounds on their way back up to the fleet in orbit, but Grevius was still alive and it was decided by the chapter’s council, that he would be reborn as the now Venerable Dreadnought, Decimus. The Sharom were soon completely exterminated and the system was claimed the Imperium, where a new forge-world was built, named Grevius in honour of the fallen chapter master. The world formed an alliance with the Decimators and their brother chapter, the Chalice Knights to make them machinery and war gear when direly needed and whenever the chapters would visit the planet for recruitment and new supplies, a gift piece of war-gear, be it a master crafted sword or a personal transport for a senior member of the chapter and would be taken in good grace. A giant monument was placed at the edge of the mountain range for the venerable brothers of the Decimators who paid the price for the cleansing of the Lumous system that showed Chapter Master Grevius striking a hammer into a Sharom. To decide who would take Grevius’ place as Chapter Master, a great contest was held amongst the elite and senior staff of the Decimators. The victor was the captain of the Fourth Company called Harmun. His name would soon become a curse-word amongst the chaos chapter, the Forsaken Warriors as Harmun led the chapter through some of the most challenging times in the Decimator’s entire history, the betrayal of the Chalice Knights and the fall of Kairus. The Betrayal http://img111.imageshack.us/img111/8583/chaliceknightsin7.jpg Chalice Knights “The Betrayal” as it was known was one of the darkest times in the history of the Decimators. It began over a millennium after the entombing of Grevius against the Sharom with their brother chapter, the Chalice Knights going on a crusade with the second and sixth companies of the Decimators around the daemonic worlds of the Maratim Cluster. Whilst the two chapters fought together, conditioned members of the Chalice Knights, including the chief librarian and chapter master, Jermanus. The Chalice Knights charged into the battlefield with the Decimators alongside them, but when they reached the lines of the enemy, the Chalice Knights turned on the Decimators and an immense hand to hand fight occurred with much of the two companies destroyed, but the captain of the sixth survived and he immediately sent a message up to his fleet to tell them to fire upon the Chalice Knights’ ships and set a course for Kairus to send Master Harmun the news that the Chalice Knights had turned to heresy. Unfortunately, the Chalice Knights had already attacked the small cohort of ships the Decimators brought with them apart from a small frigate called the “Justifier”, which managed to escape and send the message to the Decimators about the turning of their closest brother chapter. Soon after the ship left, former friends and new foes destroyed the entire group of Decimators from all sides. Once the message came through to Harmun, he was shocked and repulsed by the fact that the Knights had thrown away their holy oaths and had become the Imperium’s greatest shame, followers of chaos. Harmun immediately sent out a message to all nearby imperial fleets and chapters. A company of the Nova Falcons answered the call to help but they were the only help that the Decimators would receive, as after the Falcons jumped out of the warp, a great warp storm began interfering the communications between the other systems. Harmun accepted the help from the Nova Falcons and preparations began for the defence of Kairus and its sister planets. When the Chalice Knights arrived, a message was sent out to Kairus from them declaring, Forsaken Warriors “We are the Forsaken Warriors. We have claimed this system for the glories of chaos. We allow you one chance to survive a terrible fate by declaring your allegiance to the Mighty Four instead of your corpse Emperor. What do you say sons of Manus?” Harmun sent a message back replying, “You disappoint me Jermanus, I guess I’ll have to save your souls by purging each one.” When the Forsaken Warriors became in sight of the Imperial ships as they approached Kairus, members of the crew went mad at the sight they saw before them, the flagship had been clad with the skins of the fallen from Maratim including those of the Decimator marines that fought there. At the prow of the lead ship, the skin of the Captain of the Sixth Company was stretched over it, covered in chaos markings. This sickening sight raised Harmun’s rage further and he ordered for the fleet to charge. The battle was an extremely bloody one with both sides losing massive amounts of their forces and ships. The entire Fourth Company of the Decimators was lost when several Murder class ships ganged them upon and after an apocalyptic firefight, the warp engines failed spectacularly, taking the chaos attackers with them but the Forsaken Warriors had many more ships to batter the Decimators fleet. The Nova Falcons’ battle barge held out well against the onslaught, destroying the flagship of the Forsaken Warriors. But in a nasty twist of fate, the Forsaken Warriors had already foreseen this fate and filled the entire ship with explosives and virus bombs taken from a captured Inquisitor’s ship when the chaos war band had initially turned to chaos before the incident at Maratim. As the ship entered the gravity of Kairus, the damage was done and the ship let out its deadly payload upon the entire planet, which died in seconds, including many of the marines that were defending the fortress monastery. Seeing this, Harmun was filled with an even greater hatred and speared his fleet straight into the heart f the enemy lines, laying waste to all defences. With massive losses on both sides, the Forsaken Warriors pulled out of the system and fled deep into the Maratim cluster. With the almost the entire fleet crippled, Harmun headed back to Kairus and looked upon the brown husk of what was once a planet teeming with billions of lives including his own brothers. The chapter returned to the fortress monastery and as Harmun walked through the stone gate that led into the monastery, he knelt down and wept at the scene before him, his homeworld was desecrated and their home was ruined. Despite this sign of weakness, no Decimator asked him to stop or accuse him of weakness. Their emotions were too filled with rage and sorrow for their former brethren to confront their chapter master. After recovering as much as possible, from the arsenal and Librarium, the chapter then inspected the Apothecary. Remarkably fate had finally smiled upon them, the geneseed bank was still intact and there was plenty of geneseed to help rejuvenate the chapter to its former size and glory. The Decimators have now clashed with the Forsaken Warriors on numerous occasions, each of them a bloody affair including in the recent Black Crusades, where half of the Forsaken Warriors were annihilated at the end of the 13th crusade by a combined force of Decimators, Steel Hornets and the Heralds of Dorn at the siege of K’aanen, with the help of the 234th Ferric Mechanized Guard. After the loss of Kairus, Chapter Master Harmun declared that he would not rest until the leader of the Forsaken Warriors would be slain. He held the vow up to his death when he vanquished the now Daemon Prince Jermanus with a vortex grenade, but in turn sending himself into the warp with him. His helmet however, was not taken into the vortex with him after it had been struck off by a powerful blow from the daemon prince and when it was recovered, it was lovingly restored by the Techmarines of the chapter and it is now a holy relic carried by the current chapter master, Fernus. The chapter are now fleet based and recruit new members from an array of worlds, including on the forge-world Grevius. Beliefs Since the Decimators are from the seed of Ferrus Manus, they posses the idea of the flesh is weak from their parent chapter and they also replace some limbs with bionics when they become fully-fledged astartes. The most common body parts that are replaced are the arms and hands so that the marines become in their eyes, more similar to their Primarch and their parent chapter, the Brazen Claws. The chapter also posses a great hate for any xenos or “impure” humanoids such as the Ogryn and the Decimators refuse to battle alongside any Ogryn or similar. In their history, the Decimators infamously executed a cohort of Ogryn during the aftermath of their defeat on Sarrim since they believed that the impurity of the Ogryn had been one of the factors of their loss. When the Inquisition heard of this the chapter were sent a warning but it was ignored when a similar incident happened 5 years later and the Decimators was sent on a penance crusade for three decade. The chapter still refuses to fight alongside sub humans of any kind but the reminder of their penance crusade by the Inquisition reminds them to keep their views in check or they will suffer greater consequences for their actions. The chapter see the Emperor as the greatest warrior in the history of man and that they should all strive to become great warriors of purity and belief in the Emperor and Ferrus, whom they see as the great fabricator of the war machines of the Imperium and that their war gear possesses the mark of Ferrus’ spirit within the machine’s spirit and it should be respected at all times when within battle or not. Since the loss of their homeworld to the hands of chaos, the chapter have developed an enormous hate for the dark armies I commands. On the armour of the Decimators, there are writings to remind them to ensure that their purity and loyalty to the Emperor is absolute and that they will remember to keep their xenophobia in check before they suffer the consequences. In the chapter’s year, there are two great markings of remembrance, the first being the feast of the founding, where the chapter celebrates their founding millennia ago and it’s seen as a time to reflect on the past year and their achievements/losses. The second event is the night of the heresy, where the chapter remembers the great heresy of Horus and the ten legions that cast their oaths of loyalty to the Emperor into the wind and turned away from his light. It is during this time that the chapter claim their oaths of loyalty once more and they punish themselves for their actions over the past year if they had sinned. The traditional punishment is that a fellow brother takes a whip with lead ball bearings on the end and the sinner is given 10 lashings for each sin they have caused, which is placed in a log over the year and is called out during their punishment. Since the loss of Kairus and the turning of their brother chapter, the Decimators are even more stringent in choosing new members and their Librarians constantly examine their brothers for any sign of taint before, during or after a crusade. Organisation The Decimators follow the Codex Astartes with little deviation from it, although the members of the chapter are encouraged to not follow the codex by the letter and to use initiative when possible. The company structures are more or less the same as other chapters, with the only deviations being a larger number of scouts in the 10th company due to the losses the chapter have incurred recently against the Forsaken Warriors and Black Legion in the 13th Black Crusade. Also, more notably, Predator Destructors and Vindicators are more commonly found in the battle companies than Predator Annihilators. Land Raider Gladius The Land Raider Gladius is a rare variant of the mighty vehicle and it’s known that at least 5 exist within the Segmentum Obscurus. It consists of a Crusader chassis with a turreted autocannon on the top of the Land Raider and two Heavy Bolters on sponsons where the side doors would be. Troops cannot be deployed in the Land Raider due to the amount of space needed for ammunition and it has proved effective against masses of Orks and other xenos with light armour. Their use against fellow marines however, has not proved too effective but these variants have stood their ground on more than one occasion during sieges and assaults. There are at least two whirlwinds in each company and the 9th company holds much of the extremely heavy weaponry including a Land Raider Terminus and Ares. It’s also known that the chapter invented the Land Raider Gladius, which is a rare variant, four are known to exist in the chapter and it is known that one was gifted to the recently founded chapter, the Sons of Doom after their help during Siege of Spittul against the Goff Ork Clan. The chapter currently bear 3 holy banners that are currently looked after by the first company standard bearers. The first is the Standard of Kairus, depicting balls of fire heading toward the surface of a planet as a marine holding a giant shield, blocking the fireballs, defends it. It was severely damaged at the loss of Kairus but it was restored after over 50 years of restoration by some of the Imperium’s greatest weavers. The second banner is the banner of Decimus, which is carried by the Venerable Dreadnought displaying a mighty hammer striking against a mountain and the final banner is the banner of the Decimators, displaying a hammer and skull in the foreground with a golden shield in the background displaying the battlecry of the Decimators in high gothic. Each time one of these banners is displayed, courage and zeal flows through each Decimator who sees it and they fight on despite the odds stacked against them. Combat Doctrine The Decimators are generally a codex-oriented chapter when it comes to their combat doctrine but they have a tendency to use devastator squads and heavy weaponry more than their assault marines, although they use Landspeeders and attack bike squads often. The Devastators typically use Missile Launchers and Plasma Cannons more than the other choices, but the 6th squad of every company is known as the “Tank Hunter” squad, where the sergeant is armed with a combi-melta and power fist, his heavy weaponry specialist wields a multi-melta and another carries a meltagun. The entire squad is also armed with krak grenades, these have proved supremely effective against enemy heavy vehicles and the squad is always attached to a rhino with dozer blades and extra to increase their movement potential and ensure that enemy vehicles are taken out quickly and effectively. The chapter excel at taking out fortified defences more than an all out hand-to-hand combat such as against Khorne Bezerkers. Their recent action has seen them face an array of xenos including the sadistic Dark Eldar and the young Tau race, but their most common enemy is the forces of chaos and daemonic planets and so many of the bolters and other shooting weaponry have been painted gold and have been anointed with holy oils to ensure the purity of the machine spirit and the weapon. Thunder Hammers are very common amongst the veteran sergeants of the chapter and the Assault Terminators commonly use them over twin lightning claws, but the marines who have ascended from being assault marines commonly use the lightning claws. Geneseed The Decimators use the seed of Ferrus Manus and there are currently no known mutations to it apart from the belief that the flesh is weak. The tithes with the Mechanicum have been kept up to date over the past millennia and it is known that the Decimators have asked for the Mechanicum to analyse their geneseed more often to ensure that their seed is as pure as it can be. Battlecry The battlecry of the Decimators is commonly where the senior commanders shout “In the name of Ferrus!” with the rest of the marines bellow in response “Hammer down the foe!“. In some cases though, the marines simply shout out the latter cry as they rally their brothers for a charge against the enemy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How does it look at the moment? Things are subject to be changed if problems/flaws are found. Thanks, Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 2 things: 1 - where are the schemes? The infamous Cambrius with no schemes? Oh dear... 2 - needs a brief proof-reading this. There's parts that needs commas or fullstops. One more thing I just thought. That part where the Forsaken Warriors took the skins of their victims and covered the vessels with them? Urrrrr How'd they do that and that musta taken quite a while. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Commissar Molotov Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 2 things:1 - where are the schemes? The infamous Cambrius with no schemes? Oh dear... Uh...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 24, 2008 Author Share Posted May 24, 2008 Regarding your questions Hubernator, the colour scheme you see was one made personally by Scally when I first posted up this IA (and it was completely out of the blue). Don't forget that the Forsaken Warriors were in a heretical system so they had pleanty of fanatics to do the dirty work for them. Don't worry about the schemes though, the Forsaken Warriors and Chalice Knights' colour schemes are being posted up soon. :ph34r: Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 D'oh!!!!!! :ph34r: I'm sorry, I'm falling asleep here. My bad, ignore that point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 24, 2008 Author Share Posted May 24, 2008 Don't worry Hubernator, I've added the colour scheme for the Forsaken Warriors now. :ph34r: Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 Sweeeeeeet. Both look good Cambrius, good as always :ph34r: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 24, 2008 Author Share Posted May 24, 2008 Thanks Hubernator. I also have a pre-heresy colour scheme for the Chalice Knights but I don't want the colour schemes to clog up the article (dun dun duuun) unless it's either longer (as in the size of my SoD IA) or I can minize the images of the colour schemes. Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 Hey, just one more to the IA. Looks good as well :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Admiral Thrawn Posted May 24, 2008 Share Posted May 24, 2008 As the ship entered the gravity of Kairus, the damage was done and the ship let out its deadly payload upon the entire planet, which died in seconds, including many of the marines that were defending the fortress monastery From here it sounds like Chaos destroyed their homeworld. Since the loss of their homeworld to the hands of the Tyranids, the chapter have developed an enormous hate of the reptilian xenos Here it says the Tyranids. Which is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 we are the hammer that blows against the anvil of war and death. Strikes against the anvil. And what's being smithed? We cleanse the xenos, purge the heretic and bring justice to all who attempt to destroy us. The bring justice bit would work better with retribution, methinks. Hrud. This is the name of a xeno race (the 40K rough equivalent of Skaven). Also, it would be rather unusual for a Chaplain to rise to the rank of Chapter Master. As in, incredibly so. Decimators, Steel Hornets and the Heralds of Dorn OK, stop making up Chapter names. Since the Decimators are from the seed of Ferrus Manus, they posses the idea of the flesh is weak Not necessarily the case, you know. the Legio What Legio? * * * Your actual writing (structure and grammar) needs a lot of work. It's an interesting enough chapter. I find blow-by-blow descriptions of battles dull, myself, but some seem to like them. I'd trim it down a little. It's longer than it needs to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigismund Himself Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 Forged from gene-seed of the Brazen Claws, they were designed to be the great hammer that strikes against the enemy as the weapon of the Emperor and Ferrus. "Forged from gene-seed of the Brazen Claws, they were destined (sounds better) to be the vengeful hammer of Emperor and Ferrus that strikes against the enemy." To fully declare the chapter as being independent, they were sent forth onto a crusade against the Orks that were plaguing the important systems of the Nexus ring, which contained many agri-worlds and forge-worlds. You don't mention their chapter master in here. You would think he'd have a big impact in this bit. Maybe it was his first act, to declare them ready and then hit the Orks. The chapter cleansed the system of the green tide with minor casualty ratings than other chapters would have suffered against the green tide. "Me? I'm Super" syndrome it looks like to me :lol: Maybe better would be "The fledgling chapter demonstrated great dedication in their cleansing of the Orkoid menace, saving the system from what the Collegia Tactica deemed a ... it is rumoured that a clan of Orks retreated at the mere sight of them. MIS syndrome again. ....a noble-world of Tranquis. A noble world? They were purely a xenos race built upon brute strength that carry blunt weapons of power and force, the most common being a stone club, which was able to conduct electricity through it and could kill a squad of marines with ease after a few well placed swings. Purely's use is a bit strange. And a stone club that can conduct electricity? :rolleyes: The weapons recovered from the Sharom are currently being examined by tech-priests on Mars to find out how they work and if it is possible to utilize it in the future. Heresy! Maybe just say that the weapons were confiscated by the Tech priests or Ordo Xenos. Bombarding the mountains with a manner of weaponry Orbital Bombardment didn't work? ...only for the bombs to be mistimed... Astartes do not make mistakes like this. The Sharom were soon exterminated and the system was claimed the Imperium, where a new forge-world was built solely for the Decimators and their brother chapter the Chalice Knights. MIS syndrome. Forgeworlds aren't built for chapters. The victor was a chaplain from the Fourth Company called Hrud. Why did they allow a chaplain to enter? And the Hrud are a race. Sort of like Space Skaven. Whilst the two chapters fought together, conditioned members of the Chalice Knights, including the chief librarian and chapter master, Jermanus. Huh? That sentence is missing something. How many Chalice Knights were there? Hrud accepted the help from the Nova Falcons and preparations began for the defence of Kairus and its sister planets. When the Chalice Knights arrived, a message was sent out to Kairus from them declaring, How'd he know they were coming for him? Hrud sent a message back replying,“Prepare for judgement Heretics!” Come on, you can do better than this :P When the Forsaken Warriors became in sight of the Imperial ships as they approached Kairus, many people went mad at the sight they saw before them, every ship had been clad with the skins of the fallen from Maratim including those of the Decimator marines that fought there. At the prow of the lead ship, the skin of the Captain of the Sixth Company was stretched over it, covered in chaos markings. This sickening sight raised Hrud’s rage further and he ordered for the fleet to charge. Who do you mean by people and in which way do you mean mad? Great idea but I'm not sure that there is enough skin for an entire fleet. Maybe just the flagship. The Inquisition have warned the chapter for this belief and despite the warning given, the Decimators infamously executed a company of Ogryns during the aftermath of their defeat on Sarrim since they believed that the impurity of the Ogryns had been one of the factors of their loss. When the Inquisition heard of this the chapter was sent on a penance crusade for three decades where the Legio shadowed them to ensure that they were still pure of heart and mind. The chapter still refuses to fight alongside sub humans of any kind but the reminder of their penance crusade by the Inquisition reminds them to keep their views in check or they will suffer greater consequences for their actions. Eh, mentioning the Legio doesn't really add anything. I don't know that the Inquisition would do that much, either. In the chapter’s year, there are two great markings of remembrance, the first being the feast of the founding, where the chapter celebrates their founding millennia ago and it’s seen as a time to reflect on the past year and their achievements/losses. The second event is the night of the heresy, where the chapter remembers the great heresy of Horus and the ten legions that cast their oaths of loyalty to the Emperor into the wind and turned away from his light. It is during this time that the chapter claim their oaths of loyalty once more and they punish themselves for their actions over the past year if they had sinned. The traditional punishment is that a fellow brother takes a whip with lead ball bearings on the end and the sinner is given 10 lashings for each sin they have caused, which is placed in a log over the year and is called out during their punishment. What about the loss of Kairus and the death of the chapter master? ++EDIT++ Beaten by Octa <_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disistablishmentarianism Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 He held the vow up to his death when he vanquished the now Daemon Prince Jermanus with a vortex grenade, but in turn sending himself into the warp with him. Hrud’s name is now revered amongst the entire chapter for vanquishing the leader of the Warriors and they carry his helmet as a holy relic into battle If he was sucked into the warp how do they carry his helmet as a holy relic? Other than that I liked the detail of the history of them, I enjoyed the stories and the skins being over the chaos ships, I thought that was gruesome, kind of cringed a bit as I imagined how that would look... Good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 25, 2008 Author Share Posted May 25, 2008 Ooh, plenty of replies and pointers. Thanks guys, I'll post up reasons and edits soon. :) Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 25, 2008 Author Share Posted May 25, 2008 Some slight changes made but the big change and edit will come later. I didn't know that the Hrud were all ready a xenos race :) what is it about me making up names that have allready been used by GW. Oh and Octy, the made up chapters you mentioned have had small IAs written about them and they will be future projects to work on. Thanks again, Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 25, 2008 Author Share Posted May 25, 2008 OK, edits and new material written and now for a few answers: ....a noble-world of Tranquis. A noble world? Deary me Sigismund, have you read the Grey Knight series? A noble-world is a world that's populated by high lords of areas and planetary governors own villas there. Basically it's a small paradise world that hasn't been tainted by the factories and giant hive cities of other places. They were purely a xenos race built upon brute strength that carry blunt weapons of power and force, the most common being a stone club, which was able to conduct electricity through it and could kill a squad of marines with ease after a few well placed swings. A stone club that can conduct electricity? B) Indeed, quirky xenos technology. :devil: Comments and (probably plenty :P) critique appreciated. Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigismund Himself Posted May 26, 2008 Share Posted May 26, 2008 Deary me Sigismund, have you read the Grey Knight series? From what I've heard of it, I'm glad I haven't.... A noble-world is a world that's populated by high lords of areas and planetary governors own villas there. Basically it's a small paradise world that hasn't been tainted by the factories and giant hive cities of other places. That really doesn't sound like it fits into the fluff of the 40k universe.... Ben Counter? :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 27, 2008 Author Share Posted May 27, 2008 Deary me Sigismund, have you read the Grey Knight series? From what I've heard of it, I'm glad I haven't.... A noble-world is a world that's populated by high lords of areas and planetary governors own villas there. Basically it's a small paradise world that hasn't been tainted by the factories and giant hive cities of other places. That really doesn't sound like it fits into the fluff of the 40k universe.... Ben Counter? :P Yes it was Ben Counter. I take it he's not the best bolter in the squad when it comes to writing astartes stories? Shall I find another phrase for the planet or should I just make it your usual hive city world or forge world? The combat doctrine and beliefs should be coming soon hopefully. :D Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 27, 2008 Author Share Posted May 27, 2008 Battlecry, Comabt Doctrine and Organisation added along with BBCodes. ^_^ Opinions on it all? Is it worthy for the Librarium yet or does it need more? Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 It's fairly solid. However, I think it might be a stronger IA if you shrunk it a bit. You've got a lot of very long sentences which could be made much shorter - and shorter is more readable. Also, beware colloquial and informal speech - in the darkness of the far future there is only seriousness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 27, 2008 Author Share Posted May 27, 2008 Informal speech? Could you give me an example please? Thanks for taking your time to read the IA mate. :P Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted May 27, 2008 Share Posted May 27, 2008 Well, I kinda started to skim a little toward the end. Various things. Ships were "ganged up on" (you actually didn't say that, but that's the fault of a typo). Your Space Marine chapter master uses contractions when sending a semi-formal declaration of intent to a former battle brother. When was the last time you saw a Marine Captain use contractions? Little things like that. Oh, and only use "fully-fledged chapter" once, if you can avoid it. Find another exciting term. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 27, 2008 Author Share Posted May 27, 2008 Thanks Octy, consider the changes to begin to be worked on. :P Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 Changes made, I'll be adding a small piece about the Land Raider Gladius sometime today. ;) Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted May 28, 2008 Author Share Posted May 28, 2008 Cahnges now added, comments appreciated. :) Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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