Index Traitoris: Oblivon Knights 2.1, Slowly but surely being revised. Options

[Argon]

Index Traitoris: Oblivion Knights
"Tremble, all ye who worship the False Emperor. Despair at our coming! We shall slay you and your wreched Imperium shall drown in a sea of blood!" - Lord XXXX at the Battle of Alioth during the Burning of Bastle VI.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS CURRENTLY BEING REVISED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

Brother Skirmantas, Squad Olshan, 2nd Company, Shadow Knights
Chapter

Origins

The Oblivion Knights, originally the Shadow Knights, were created during the 17th Founding in response to increased Ork and pirate activity in the northern Ultima Segmentum, from the gene-seed of the Revilers chapter. The Revilers, in addition to providing the gene-seed sent Jaemros, Captain of the 6th Company, to lead the young Chapter. Jaemros was a young Captain who believed it was the duty of every Astartes to live up to certain virtues such as courage and diligence and to protect the innocent from harm. To him, an Astartes that did not do these things was unworthy of his status. He saw his Chapter as “a company of shining knights, charging from the shadows to strike down His foes and defend His realm.”
Thus, the new Chapter was named the Shadow Knights. The young Chapter was given a fleet of ships and a supply of wargear and sent off to defend the Imperium from harm.

Early on, the Chapter scored many impressive victories, including the Purging of Raetia, in which the taint of the xenos Ano’a was cleansed from the face of the planet, and the Destruction of WAAAAGH! Shazgrat on Maria Secundus. The Chapter would faithfully serve the Imperium for the next few centuries.

Marilith Campaign

The turning point in the Chapter’s history would be the Marilith Campaign. An Eldar war host comprised of forces from Craftworlds Aringhe and Alaitoc attacked a number of worlds in the Marilith sector. Many of the worlds that came under attack were Industrial and Agri-Worlds that supplied resources to the Forge World Kenton Prime. This Forge World provided the Shadow Knights with most of their equipment. Without the flow of resources from these worlds, Kenton Prime’s production would fall dramatically. The Shadow Knights deployed 4 companies, along with a full half of the 10th, to defend the Emperor’s realm and protect their interests.
The Knights, alongside the Skitarri of the Mechanicus, fought the xenos scum and won a number of victories early on. The Chapter, led personally by then Chapter Master Atul Nadir himself, easily crushed the Eldar forces. The xenos were pushed back to the world of Bactria. It was here that the fate of the sector would be decided.
Preliminary scans of the planet from orbit indicated that the Eldar were amassing in the great northern mountains. The Knights were to drop down and unleash a savage attack on the xenos, causing them to flee right into the waiting guns of the Skitarri.

The Knights, eager to crush the xenos in the Emperor's name, dropped right into the Eldar trap. The mountainous terrain, combined with the guns of Aringhe and the infamous snipers of Alaitoc proved to be utterly lethal. Many marines were gunned down in the first few moments. Those that survived found themselves on the receiving end of an Aspect Warrior charge. The battle quickly turned into a bloody melee, and it looked as though the Marines would lose. The Imperials only won the day when the Skitarri broke through the xenos lines and overwhelmed them.
Although triumphant, the Chapter returned home in mourning. A full 65% of the marines that had been sent to battle were killed, including the Captains of the 3rd and 5th companies and the Chaplains of the 1st, 3rd, and 7th. Most grievously of all, Chapter Master Nadir himself was dead, stabbed from behind by a strange and vicious Eldar weapon. [cross ref. “Harlequin’s Kiss”] Upon their return to Hykos, Palemon Kyton, the most senior surviving captain, was named the new Chapter Master.

Betrayal

As time went on, the Chapter continued in their ways. There were even indications that they did what they did not because they saw it as their duty, but instead because they enjoyed it. Still and though, every action has a consequence, and the Knights’ actions were catching up with them.


The Chapter was on Manpetos campaigning against WAAAAAGH!!! Bigklaw when Kyton received a visitor; Inquisitor Qarmata of the Ordo Hereticus and half a company from the Red Hunters chapter. Qarmata confronted Kyton with charges of intentional destruction of Imperial structures, and a large and rather disturbing spike in recruitment. Kyton had a choice: either come quietly and allow Qarmata to act as an Inquisitorial watchdog, letting the Chapter go about their business while ensuring they didn’t step out of line, or refuse and send Qarmata away, no doubt causing her to take action against the Chapter.
Kyton refused to put the fate of the Chapter in the hands of the Inquisition. He vehemently denied the charges and gave justification for his Chapter’s actions, but the Inquisitor remained unconvinced. Their debate turned into an argument, the argument grew more and more heated, till at last Kyton bellowed “I will not stand by while some idiot Inquisitor dares to threaten ME and MY CHAPTER!” and pointed his plasma pistol at the Inquisitor. Qarmata was outraged. She vowed to see to it that the Shadow Knights were excommunicated and that their name became a byword for treason throughout the Segmentum. Then she gave the Red Hunters the order to fire at will. The Hunters savagely attacked their Astartes brothers, and killed many. However, half a company cannot hope to beat an entire Chapter, and so the Red Hunters were all killed. The Knights, realizing what they’d just done, returned to their ships.
As the Knights returned to the ships waiting on them, they found themselves in the middle of another firefight. It seemed the Inquisitor, before being shot dead by Kyton, had ordered her ships to fire upon the Chapter fleet. The Inquisitor’s ship, the Lunar-class cruiser the Destroying Angel, along with numerous strike craft and two squads of Gladius escorts provided by the Red Hunters fought against the Shadow Knight’s ships. Once again, however, the Inquisitor had underestimated the Shadow Knights, and so the Destroying Angel and all the Red Hunter’s ships were destroyed. The Chapter left the system immediately.
The Knights’ fleet made a blind jump that put them in the desolate Kressida Belt. It was here that Kyton made a addressed the Chapter. The Inquisition had tried to see them exterminated like vermin. Their brother Astartes had savagely attacked them. Who could they trust in the Imperium? Why should they serve such masters? From this point onwards, he declared, they were no longer lapdogs of the Imperium. With these words, the gathered host erupted into violence. Those who wished to stay with the Emperor went to kill Kyton for speaking such blasphemy, only to be attacked by those that had sided with Kyton. Battle-brothers that had fought on innumerable battlefields against a myriad of enemies now fought each other, with no quarter asked, given, or expected. When the fighting had stopped, the Loyalists, 45% of the Chapter, was dead. 6 of the Company Captains had been slain, as had the entire Reclusiam and most of the Armory and Apothecarion. All the scouts that sided with them were instantly promoted to full battle-brother status.
With their numbers reduced by the combined casualties from Manpetos and the Chapter war, Kyton saw it fit to reorganize the Chapter. It was then that Captain Araton told Kyton that the Chapter needed to find a place where the Imperium couldn’t touch them, for the Inquisition’s hounds would be chasing them soon. Kratios agreed, and suggested the nearby Mælstrom. Kyton saw the wisdom in their words and agreed.



As the Chapter set forth for the Mælstrom, Kyton made a proclamation, saying “Although we are still knights, we have given our souls unto darkness and oblivion. Very well then. We shall accept the oblivion as our master, and we shall serve our master as any knight would. We shall be oblivion's knights.” Thus was the Chapter reborn as the Oblivion Knights.

Conversion

As the fleet travelled onwards towards their destination, Kratios went to Kyton in his chambers and asked him to have the Chapter assemble again. Kyton, trusting his Chief Librarian, gave his consent, and within moments the Chapter had gathered once again.
Kratios spoke to them of Chaos. As he put it, Chaos was made of 4 great powers. These powers were the Emperor’s enemies. The Imperium was afraid of them, for they had many followers who saw to it that their will was done. The powers cared not how their will was done, only that it was done. They could bring the Chapter greater power than they’d ever known. Would they give themselves to them?
The Chapter stared in wide-eyed wonder. Kratios invited anyone that wanted to give themselves to Chaos to drop to one knee. Slowly, some of the marines began to kneel. With each marine that knelt, it gathered momentum, until at last the entire Chapter was on their knee.
The fleet left the warp near Tyr’s World, very near the Mælstrom. They continued onward, when suddenly a significant group of ships appeared on their scanners. The Chapter hid on the very edge of the system. The other fleet grew closer and closer still. Then Kyton noticed that they hadn’t powered their weapons. They grew even closer, into visual range. The main ship was a massive thing of archaic design, covered in symbols the Oblivion Knights didn’t recognize. Kyton asked the vessel to identify itself. The reply came back “The Imperator Diabolis of the mighty and exalted Dark Apostle Akkan. Who are you?”
Kyton replied “I am Master Kyton of the Oblivion Knights. We are recently split from the Imperium.”
It was then that Kyton received a curious reply, asking him to come aboard the ship to talk to their leader. Soon Kyton and his Honor Guard were on a shuttle travelling towards the strange ship.
The Knights boarded the ship and were led by a group of marines in crimson armor to their leader, the so-called “Dark Apostle” Akkan. Kyton told Akkan of the events that had led him and his Chapter here; the treachery of the Inquisition on Manpetos, the Chapter War, and their recent turn to Chaos. Akkan could sense that Kyton knew only a glimmer of Chaos’ light. He told Kyton of the Emperor’s betrayal of his sons and of the Long War. He told Kyton about Chaos in depth. Akkan sent the Knights back to their ships, bidding them to tell their brothers what he had taught them.

With this, the corruption was complete. When the Knights returned to the fleet, they repeated what they had been told to their brothers. The fleet continued on to the Mælstrom, full of the knowledge of Chaos and ready to reap a bloody toll from their enemies.


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[Yogi]

BBcode is hard to use.. I admit, mine took quite some time to figure out.

Problems that jumped out at me.. Though I admit no qualification at writing these IAs.

First. The kill ratio of 3:1 is terrible for a marine. This isn't TT. Better you remove the number.

The knights dropped right into the trap... (this is against the eldar) Why? what reason can you provide that justifies this massive error. Common ones would be overconfidence or faith based tactics (the Emperor will protect.. haha yeah sure). Can you think of a reason this occurred? You need one because IMO the Marines just look stupid.

This ambitious guy falls to Chaos way too easily. Its doubtful if he were that weak he would survive recruitment. Considering he is a librarian, marines who are meant to be steeled against temptation. Their needs to be a reason to his fall, perhaps an event or a running theme that breeds resentment and hatred. For example the current chapter master regards the librarians with suspicion. Maybe there is a psyker bias that makes this ambitious marine begin to hate his brothers. Or a huge desire to prove himself whatever. Right now he seems like Kor Phaedron mk2..

I think the betrayal moment with the Inquisitor needs a lot more work. Things like the red hunters were all killed, just seems dismissive. Its half a company. 50 marines dying can be describe better. Then the fleet just swept away in a boring sentence. I also think your chapter needs to brake a few more rules before the Inq would care too much. A couple thousand humans are never important in the imperium. You imply they were killed simply for the pleasure of the chapter.. You need to explore this, to make it truly sound like a crime. Because right now it doesn't seem that way to me.

The entire chapter falls because their commander says to.. It just doesnt fit. Even Primarchs had dissenters.

The conversation with the dark apostle. There is no distrust. It like they are discussing the football scores. Did you catch the gmae last night? Chaos won..

Overall I think you need to do way more work. Spend some time reading GW IAs and notice how they write. Hopefully someone like Apothete will give you a real crit.

[Ace Debonair]

The Destruction of WAAAAGH! Shazgrat (3:1 kill ratio achieved). The Chapter would faithfully serve the Imperium for the next few centuries.

That sounds a bit too much like an award in a computer game.

After turning renegade, the Chapter reorganized. The four Captains that had sided with Kyton; Araton, Saion, Bavak, and Evros, became his “Astikai”, or lieutenants. Each of them was given roughly 220 Marines, a unit they called a “thraex”. Each of the 5 thraexes contains Tactical, Assault, and Devastator squads. Kyton is the Astikai, the supreme master of the Chapter. As such, he does not command a thraex, but instead commands an elite cadre known as the “Doombringers”. These Marines are the very best of the Chapter, trained in the use of Tactical Dreadnaught Armour and always found where the fighting is thickest.
The Armory, Librarium, and Apothecarion remain separate entitles within the Chapter. The Knights have only a handful of Apothecaries and Techmarines, as most of the specialists were killed during the Chapter War. As such, the few that remain are only committed to battle during the direst circumstances. In contrast, the Librarium suffered relatively few casualties as most of their number sided with Kyton, no doubt because Kratios (or Zhuron, as he is now known) was and remains Chief Librarian.
The Chapter maintains a fleet of 2 Battle Barges; the Sword of Twilight and Eternal Shadow, and 4 Strike Cruisers; the Igneus Vesica, Laelaps, and Bringer of Woe

So the chapter master is also a lieutenant?
Also that was three Strike Crusiers, not four.

I'd also remove the 'allies and enemies' section. It's superfluous. Your enemies are the same as every other chaos warband, and your allies are the word bearers, which I think was kind of stated in the main article.

Not a bad start by any means though. A very interesting read!

[Grand Master Tyr...]

Inquisitor Qarmata of the Ordo Hereticus and half a company from the Red Hunters chapter. Qarmata confronted Kyton with charges of intentional slaughter of almost 6,000 Imperial civilians and close to 4,500 PDF troops, the intentional destruction of Imperial structures, and a large and rather disturbing spike in recruitment. Kyton had a choice: either come quietly and give his Chapter up to monitoring by the Inquisition, or be killed to the man then and there.

This doesn't work. If an Inquisitor has got a warrant of excommunication he's not going to turn up with just half a company. He'll turn up with the Chamber Militant and break down the door with all guns blazing. If you want to keep the demi-company, then the Inquisitor needs to ask for less.

Submitting to close Inquisitorial scrutiny is better, IMO. Deliberate unnecessary destruction of Imperial infrastructure and massive over-recruiting are the major causes for concern here (the people are frankly worthless - you'd need to tack anywhere between six and nine zeroes on the ends of both figures before the Imperium even notices), but they're not enough to warrant excommunication. They are enough to provoke investigation, and that's where I think Kyton's personality can come in handy. If he can't accept any form of control over 'his' Chapter by an outside organisation, then I can see him refusing to back down and causing the 'negotiations' to degenerate into hostilities.

[Argon]

This doesn't work. If an Inquisitor has got a warrant of excommunication he's not going to turn up with just half a company. He'll turn up with the Chamber Militant and break down the door with all guns blazing. If you want to keep the demi-company, then the Inquisitor needs to ask for less.

So it should be something more like a company or two of Red Hunters and an order of Sisters? This could make things interesting....

Submitting to close Inquisitorial scrutiny is better, IMO. Deliberate unnecessary destruction of Imperial infrastructure and massive over-recruiting are the major causes for concern here (the people are frankly worthless - you'd need to tack anywhere between six and nine zeroes on the ends of both figures before the Imperium even notices), but they're not enough to warrant excommunication. They are enough to provoke investigation, and that's where I think Kyton's personality can come in handy. If he can't accept any form of control over 'his' Chapter by an outside organisation, then I can see him refusing to back down and causing the 'negotiations' to degenerate into hostilities.

Duly noted. I think I could add a few zeroes to those figures, though. I want the Knights to come off as well intentioned extremists by that point.

Also, I kinda can see Kyton refusing to back down. In a way, he already is, but I think I could develop this further.

The Destruction of WAAAAGH! Shazgrat (3:1 kill ratio achieved). The Chapter would faithfully serve the Imperium for the next few centuries.

That sounds a bit too much like an award in a computer game.

There may or may not be influence from certain computer games and other media here and there. I'm not saying anything.

After turning renegade, the Chapter reorganized. The four Captains that had sided with Kyton; Araton, Saion, Bavak, and Evros, became his “Astikai”, or lieutenants. Each of them was given roughly 220 Marines, a unit they called a “thraex”. Each of the 5 thraexes contains Tactical, Assault, and Devastator squads. Kyton is the Astikai, the supreme master of the Chapter. As such, he does not command a thraex, but instead commands an elite cadre known as the “Doombringers”. These Marines are the very best of the Chapter, trained in the use of Tactical Dreadnaught Armour and always found where the fighting is thickest.
The Armory, Librarium, and Apothecarion remain separate entitles within the Chapter. The Knights have only a handful of Apothecaries and Techmarines, as most of the specialists were killed during the Chapter War. As such, the few that remain are only committed to battle during the direst circumstances. In contrast, the Librarium suffered relatively few casualties as most of their number sided with Kyton, no doubt because Kratios (or Zhuron, as he is now known) was and remains Chief Librarian.
The Chapter maintains a fleet of 2 Battle Barges; the Sword of Twilight and Eternal Shadow, and 4 Strike Cruisers; the Igneus Vesica, Laelaps, and Bringer of Woe

So the chapter master is also a lieutenant?
Also that was three Strike Crusiers, not four.

Dang. There was a snargle in the BBCode that I fixed by copypasting the original Word document. Must've missed those bits.

I'd also remove the 'allies and enemies' section. It's superfluous. Your enemies are the same as every other chaos warband, and your allies are the word bearers, which I think was kind of stated in the main article.

Well, they've got the Death Guard and Blissbringers too, but I see what you mean.

Maybe I should make IT: Blissbringers.....no, no, that's how it starts.


Also, can someone help me with a bit of BBCode? That snargle I mentioned has come back and there's a few sideboxes I can't seem to get in there properly.

This post has been edited by Argon: Mar 17 2010, 09:31 PM

[Grand Master Tyr...]

This doesn't work. If an Inquisitor has got a warrant of excommunication he's not going to turn up with just half a company. He'll turn up with the Chamber Militant and break down the door with all guns blazing. If you want to keep the demi-company, then the Inquisitor needs to ask for less.

So it should be something more like a company or two of Red Hunters and an order of Sisters? This could make things interesting....

My point is that if he's come to negotiate, he'll only bring sufficient force to back him up - in other words, the deterrent is the thought of having to fight other Imperial forces. If he's come to wipe you out, then not only will he bring sufficient forces but he won't stop to give out ultimatums - his mind will be made up.

The problem is the mismatch of the insufficient forces for what he's threatening. He's got sufficient forces and the correct behaviour for negotiations and warnings, but not the right demands. He's got the right demands for excommunication, but neither the force nor the behaviour to back that up. Which one do you want?
Essentially, has he come to kill you or is your Chapter the one that sparked off hostilities?

Also, can someone help me with a bit of BBCode? That snargle I mentioned has come back and there's a few sideboxes I can't seem to get in there properly.

Try this. Anything more specific than that, just ask.

[Captain Juan Jua...]

BBCode can be quite evil, once you get into sidebars and captions.

[Argon]

BBCode can be quite evil, once you get into sidebars and captions.

Obvious statement is obvious.

Not to sound rude or mean, but I'd prefer actual C&C rather than something I found out myself. Thank you.


Also, I've updated the IT with a few things, including some sideboxes on possession and the Reaper of Blood. As usual, C&C is appreciated.

[Ferrus Manus]

Firstly, your origins section is a bit short. While I appreciate your writing an IT which is generally considered harder than an IA, I'd suggest looking at some of the IAs in the Librarium - more specifically at their origins section - just to see what sort of details you can transfer across for these guys.

Secondly, what's the point of your Marilith Campaign section? In your opinion, what does it add to the Chapter?

Hmm, the corruption seems a bit easy. Explain more, why did he give into temptation? What made him want to do so? A flaw in his character? Maybe an experience he'd had which changed his outlook? Also, as suggested before in this thread, those charges aren't really enough to cause an INQ to come and overlook the Chapter. Maybe if the Chapter did something like attack an ADMECH outpost for supplies or something. It seems too little for me at the moment.

Those are my major issues with these guys at the moment. But another thing is the overall length. It does need to be longer I'm afraid.

[Apothete]

By the pricking of my thumbs, something critical this way comes...

"Tremble, all ye who worship the False Emperor. Despair at our coming. We shall slay you, and your wreched Imperium shall drown in a sea of blood." - Lord Kyton at the Battle of Alioth during the Burning of Bastle VI.

I'd take the last sentence and get rid of the comma, plus the middle one ought to probably be exclaimed rather than just stated.

Brother Skirmantas, Squad Olshan, 2nd Company, Shadow Knights
Chapter
The Chapter has kept the same heraldry throughout their history

Drop the second line. It's far more noteworthy to have a change of heraldry than it is to have one that has remained the same, the world of DIY Chapters nonwithstanding.

The Oblivion Knights, originally the Shadow Knights, were created during the 17th Founding in response to increased Ork and pirate activity in the northern Ultima Segmentum, from the gene-seed of the Revilers chapter. The Revilers, in addition to providing the gene-seed, gave the young chapter a cadre of veterans to provide some much needed experience. Among these veteran warriors was Jaemros, Captain of the 6th Company. Jaemros was a young Captain who believed it was the duty of every Astartes to live up to certain virtues and to protect the innocent from harm. He saw his Chapter as “a company of shining knights, charging from the shadows to strike down His foes and defend His realm.”
Thus, the new Chapter was named the Shadow Knights. The young Chapter was given a fleet of ships and a supply of wargear and sent off to defend the Imperium from harm.

Generally speaking, successors are created from First Founding Chapters and the geneseed is linked to the primarch in the text. I'm not really sure why the Admech would use a Second Founding geneline to create Marines some four thousand years later when they could just use the original line. On top of that, the geneseed of Corax is unstable and mutated so it's probably less likely to be selected the further along in the timeline you get.

To move on to more structural elements, I would say that you've got some glaring issues just in this opening segment. Just about every Chapter out there is going to have some kind of training cadre and the purpose of that group is going to be providing experience, so telling us little more than that isn't really moving this writeup anywhere. Is there not anyone of note besides Jaemros and, if not, why is it only the Captain who is so notable? What did he do to deserve this honor? If his beliefs are divergent from his parent Chapter, which it sounds like they are, then how did he manage to be appointed over a fresh batch of neophytes that he'd be molding in his own image?

Why is expecting his Chapter to live up to "certain virtues" even worth mentioning, since it's basically universal? Doesn't shining make it difficult to hide in the shadows, much like tha gaudy colors of many Chapters would similarly stand out? As such, isn't the name itself a little odd since it implies honor, chivalry, and mounted combat rather than stealthy ambushes?

I'll do some more later on. That should be enough to get you started.

[Argon]

I

Firstly, your origins section is a bit short. While I appreciate your writing an IT which is generally considered harder than an IA, I'd suggest looking at some of the IAs in the Librarium - more specifically at their origins section - just to see what sort of details you can transfer across for these guys.

I'm really not writing an IT because it's harder. I'm writing one because I'm a Ordo Hereticus condemned heretic.

I'll go take a look at a selection of IAs and ITs and see what I can add to that part.

Secondly, what's the point of your Marilith Campaign section? In your opinion, what does it add to the Chapter?

To me it shows why the Knights hate the Eldar more than anyone or anything. I've also been thinking about adding a part to it that shows how the Knights go from being like Salamanders (humanitarian) to being like Marines Malevolent (Kill them all. He will know his own).

Hmm, the corruption seems a bit easy. Explain more, why did he give into temptation? What made him want to do so? A flaw in his character? Maybe an experience he'd had which changed his outlook?

I think a character flaw combined with the Chapter's extreme methods would probably work. Thanks for the idea.

Also, as suggested before in this thread, those charges aren't really enough to cause an INQ to come and overlook the Chapter. Maybe if the Chapter did something like attack an ADMECH outpost for supplies or something. It seems too little for me at the moment.

They're extreme by then, but I don't think they'd go out on a limb and kill a bunch of cogboys for some supplies. I'm pretty sure som They're still more or less loyal to the Emperor.

Besides, it's kinda hard to run a planet if you've got guys blowing up bridges and whatnot. That, and I would think the Administratum and Inquisition both would be concerned if a Chapter suddenly started recruiting like crazy. What if Qarmata was an Amalathian or a Monodominant? Would that justify things a little better?

Generally speaking, successors are created from First Founding Chapters and the geneseed is linked to the primarch in the text. I'm not really sure why the Admech would use a Second Founding geneline to create Marines some four thousand years later when they could just use the original line. On top of that, the geneseed of Corax is unstable and mutated so it's probably less likely to be selected the further along in the timeline you get.

I chose Raven Guard gene-seed because I didn't want my guys to be decended from Guilliman or Dorn for starters. They don't like the Chapters with those gene-seeds at all, so I don't think it would work for them to hate themselves. Sanguinus' didn't work because of the flaws that come with it and Khan's just doesn't fit how I see them. Personally, I think Corax's fits them best. I suppose I could use the Iron Hands' gene-seed, but I really see these guys as sons of Corax.

Okay, done rambling.

Besides, the fact that their gene-seed is unstable could prove to make things intresting when combined with over a century in the Maelstrom.

To move on to more structural elements, I would say that you've got some glaring issues just in this opening segment. Just about every Chapter out there is going to have some kind of training cadre and the purpose of that group is going to be providing experience, so telling us little more than that isn't really moving this writeup anywhere.

Duly noted.

Is there not anyone of note besides Jaemros and, if not, why is it only the Captain who is so notable?......If his beliefs are divergent from his parent Chapter, which it sounds like they are, then how did he manage to be appointed over a fresh batch of neophytes that he'd be molding in his own image?

There isn't any fluff on the Revilers, so their beleifs aren't known. Jaemros' views could be his own, they could be his Chapter's. Perhaps he's reconciled his views with the views of the Revilers.

Why is expecting his Chapter to live up to "certain virtues" even worth mentioning, since it's basically universal? Doesn't shining make it difficult to hide in the shadows, much like tha gaudy colors of many Chapters would similarly stand out? As such, isn't the name itself a little odd since it implies honor, chivalry, and mounted combat rather than stealthy ambushes?

There's a certain amount of metaphor there. "Shining" doesn't refer to their armour, but more to the concept of "knights in shining armour", which is what the Chapter initially acts like while "Knights" refers to the fact that honor and chivalry are among those virtues that Jaemros expects them to live up to. I'll go clarify this.


Time to get to work.....

[Argon]

I've been working on the Origins part, but it's kinda challenging. I've got a vague idea of where I want to go with it, but I can't quite get it on paper. It's odd, my best writing tends to come during Algebra or Chem class....


Anyways, I realized my guys don't really have a quirk beyond "we hate Eldar" and using mostly Lithuanian names, so I thought of one: Daemon marines.

Basically, I'd take the "posessed suits of power armour" sidebox (assuming you read it...you did read it, right?) and make that my whole army. I'd probably include some actual flesh and blood marines, but they'd be heavily outnumbered by the daemon marines and probably have some serious disdain for them.

My biggest thing with this is that I keep asking myself "If you want an army of automatons, why not just play Thousand Sons?"

So, would this idea work? Should I keep my current thing or should I go with this? And most importantly, would you say it's sufficiently different from the Thousand Sons to be unique?

[Brother-Captain ...]

You said you wanted brutal C&C...

(*Draws morningstar)

Right...

The Revilers, in addition to providing the gene-seed Jaemros, Captain of the 6th Company, was chosen to lead the young Chapter.

This doesn't make sense, shouldn't it be:

"The Revilers, in addition to providing the gene-seed, provided Jaemros, Captain of the 6th Company, to lead the young Chapter."

The young Chapter was given a fleet of ships and a supply of wargear and sent off to defend the Imperium from harm.

Like every other chapter then. We don't need to know that, it goes without saying.

The turning point in the Chapter’s history would be the Marilith Campaign. An Eldar war host comprised of forces from Craftworlds Aringhe and Alaitoc attacked a number of worlds in the Marilith sector.

Why? Were they Maiden Worlds? What interested them with those worlds? Did the Farseers not see what the chapter was to become as a result of their actions?

Many of the worlds that came under attack were Industrial and Agri-Worlds that supplied resources to the Forge World Kenton Prime. This Forge World provided the Shadow Knights with most of their equipment. Without the flow of resources from these worlds, Kenton Prime’s production would fall dramatically. The Shadow Knights deployed 4 companies, along with a full half of the 10th, to defend the Emperor’s realm and protect their interests.

Eldar aren't in the business of conquering planets. They wipe out the Imperial colonies and then fade away, telling you never to come back again. Again, why were they interested in these worlds? Either give a reason, or change the enemy.

The Knights, alongside the Skitarri of the Mechanicus, fought the xenos scum and won a number of victories early on. The Chapter, led personally by then Chapter Master Atul Nadir himself, easily crushed the Eldar forces. The xenos were pushed back to the world of Bactria. It was here that the fate of the sector would be decided.

It is 'Skitarii'

There is a bit of Mary Sue in this passage, don't say 'easily crushed', because it makes you look too good, say something like: 'blunted the Eldar strike, pushing them back to the world of Bactria.'

Those that survived found themselves on the receiving end of an Aspect Warrior charge. The battle quickly turned into a bloody melee, and it looked as though the Marines would lose. The Imperials only won the day when the Skitarri broke through the xenos lines and overwhelmed them.

This is too informal-'on the recieving end' doesn't jive, and, 'it looked as though the Marines would lose', doesn't fit with the epic tone of writing that GW's IAs are written in.

Although triumphant, the Chapter returned home in mourning. A full 65% of the marines that had been sent to battle were killed, including the Captains of the 3rd and 5th companies and the Chaplains of the 1st, 3rd, and 7th. Most grievously of all, Chapter Master Nadir himself was dead, stabbed from behind by a strange and vicious Eldar weapon. [cross ref. “Harlequin’s Kiss”] Upon their return to Hykos, Palemon Kyton, the most senior surviving captain, was named the new Chapter Master.

We don't need this level of detail, I don't care how many Chaplains died, or what companies lost their captains. Why not say something like, "nearly 700 brothers were dead, and many of the Chapter's command staff had perished in battle". The purpose of an IA is to develop character, not to tell us in sizzlingly tedious detail how your Chapter Master likes his steaks done.

The first was Kratios being named the new Chief Librarian, as the previous had been slain on Bactria. The second was Kyton’s habit of asking the Librarium for council before an imminent battle. Kratios would offer him “tactical advice”, telling him to destroy Eldar spirit-stones “lest they collect them and place them in Dreadnaughts” or to destroy an entire city “to ensure the planet is free of xenos taint”. The Shadow Knights soon picked up a fearsome reputation across numerous sectors as blood-thirsty warriors who would swiftly attack from the shadows and butcher entire cities. This went on for many years, and the Chapter remained ignorant of the corruption within them.

Surely they would realise what kind of a reputation that they were garnering for themselves, what people now thought of them. Also, why did the Chapter (who you have already told us adhere to Jaemros's principles), simply accept his advice to destroy and kill-the marines know the nature of spirit stones, why didn't someone say "hang on guys..."

The Chapter was on Manpetos campaigning against WAAAAAGH!!! Bigklaw when Kyton received a visitor; Inquisitor Qarmata of the Ordo Hereticus and half a company from the Red Hunters chapter. Qarmata confronted Kyton with charges of intentional destruction of Imperial structures, and a large and rather disturbing spike in recruitment. Kyton had a choice: either come quietly and allow Qarmata to act as an Inquisitorial watchdog, letting the Chapter go about their business while ensuring they didn’t step out of line, or refuse and send Qarmata away, no doubt causing her to take action against the Chapter.

You really don't have to namedrop the Red Hunters, either use the Adepta Sororitas or make up a chapter. I know it seems cool to have them dammned by a GW chapter, but namedropping is never a good idea, unless it is in passing, which this isn't. It is like forcing your own fluff onto GW, never a good plan. They go on to lose fifty men, a terrible blow for any chapter-this is too intrusive onto GW fluff.

Kyton refused to put the fate of the Chapter in the hands of the Inquisition. He vehemently denied the charges and gave justification for his Chapter’s actions, but the Inquisitor remained unconvinced. Their debate turned into an argument, the argument grew more and more heated, till at last Kyton bellowed “I will not stand by while some idiot Inquisitor dares to threaten ME and MY CHAPTER!” and pointed his plasma pistol at the Inquisitor. Qarmata was outraged. She vowed to see to it that the Shadow Knights were excommunicated and that their name became a byword for treason throughout the Segmentum. Then she gave the Red Hunters the order to fire at will. The Hunters savagely attacked their Astartes brothers, and killed many. However, half a company cannot hope to beat an entire Chapter, and so the Red Hunters were all killed. The Knights, realizing what they’d just done, returned to their ships.

Is she insane? Even as a non-combatant, she must know that fifty men versus a thousand is not a good plan of action-this seems a little incongruous, especially considering that the normal Inquisitorial 'guilty until proven innocent' is reversed for reasons of necessity when dealing with marines. Why not go the darker route, and make it Kyton's fault, have him kill the Inquisitor and the Red Hunters, and then flee?

When the fighting had stopped, the Loyalists, 45% of the Chapter, was dead. 6 of the Company Captains had been slain, as had the entire Reclusiam and most of the Armory and Apothecarion. All the scouts that sided with them were instantly promoted to full battle-brother status.
With their numbers reduced by the combined casualties from Manpetos and the Chapter war, Kyton saw it fit to reorganize the Chapter. It was then that Captain Araton told Kyton that the Chapter needed to find a place where the Imperium couldn’t touch them, for the Inquisition’s hounds would be chasing them soon. Kratios agreed, and suggested the nearby Mælstrom. Kyton saw the wisdom in their words and agreed.

Again, excessive detail-percentages are really too clinical for an IA

Hang on, where has yon Epistolary gone, what is his role in all this?

As the fleet travelled onwards towards their destination, Kratios went to Kyton in his chambers and asked him to have the Chapter assemble again. Kyton, trusting his Chief Librarian, gave his consent, and within moments the Chapter had gathered once again.
Kratios spoke to them of Chaos. As he put it, Chaos was made of 4 great powers. These powers were the Emperor’s enemies. The Imperium was afraid of them, for they had many followers who saw to it that their will was done. The powers cared not how their will was done, only that it was done. They could bring the Chapter greater power than they’d ever known. Would they give themselves to them?
The Chapter stared in wide-eyed wonder. Kratios invited anyone that wanted to give themselves to Chaos to drop to one knee. Slowly, some of the marines began to kneel. With each marine that knelt, it gathered momentum, until at last the entire Chapter was on their knee.

Aha, there he is, found him. Do I get a prize? He should be mentioned throughout the Corruption sections to enforce the fact that is was him-'he did it, I saw him!'

Space Marines would know all about Chaos, it is part of their training and indoctrination to know of the darker powers-they wouldn't need him to explain it to them, they would know about it. This needs rethinking.

The fleet left the warp near Tyr’s World, very near the Mælstrom. They continued onward, when suddenly a significant group of ships appeared on their scanners. The Chapter hid on the very edge of the system. The other fleet grew closer and closer still. Then Kyton noticed that they hadn’t powered their weapons. They grew even closer, into visual range. The main ship was a massive thing of archaic design, covered in symbols the Oblivion Knights didn’t recognize. Kyton asked the vessel to identify itself. The reply came back “The Imperator Diabolis of the mighty and exalted Dark Apostle Akkan. Who are you?”
Kyton replied “I am Master Kyton of the Oblivion Knights. We are recently split from the Imperium.”
It was then that Kyton received a curious reply, asking him to come aboard the ship to talk to their leader. Soon Kyton and his Honor Guard were on a shuttle travelling towards the strange ship.
The Knights boarded the ship and were led by a group of marines in crimson armor to their leader, the so-called “Dark Apostle” Akkan. Kyton told Akkan of the events that had led him and his Chapter here; the treachery of the Inquisition on Manpetos, the Chapter War, and their recent turn to Chaos. Akkan could sense that Kyton knew only a glimmer of Chaos’ light. He told Kyton of the Emperor’s betrayal of his sons and of the Long War. He told Kyton about Chaos in depth. Akkan sent the Knights back to their ships, bidding them to tell their brothers what he had taught them.

Either delete this section in accordance with what I have already said, or rethink it into the new build. If you pick the latter option, then why not have Kyton attack and take the enemy ships by surprise-after all, Chaos tends to shoot first and ask questions later-they would not be inquisitive and ask 'who are you' like a curious child. These Word Bearers seem very kind-the Lords of Chaos are jealous and paranoid folk, and see rivals and potential usurpers everywhere. Why would they aid such scum?

After turning renegade, the Chapter reorganized. The four Captains that had sided with Kyton; Araton, Saion, Bavak, and Evros, became his “hetmen”, or lieutenants. Each of them was given roughly 220 Marines, a unit they called a “thraex”. Each of the 5 thraexes contains Tactical, Assault, and Devastator squads. Kyton is the Astikai, the supreme master of the Chapter. As such, he does not command a thraex, but instead commands an elite cadre known as the “Doombringers”. These Marines are the very best of the Chapter, trained in the use of Tactical Dreadnaught Armour and always found where the fighting is thickest.

Detail.

Keep the names of the ranks, but we don't need to know the names of your captains. Also, why do they follow him if they command more men? Your Epistolary has disappeared again. Why is he content to let Kyton lead, when it was all his work?

The Chapter maintains a fleet of 2 Battle Barges; the Sword of Twilight and Eternal Shadow, and 3 Strike Cruisers; the Igneus Vesica, Laelaps, and Bringer of Woe

I love Latin too, but we don't need to know this-detail, again.

At the 3rd Polonius War, the Oblivion Knights came into conflict with the esteemed Blood Swords Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes. At the Battle of Baldor’s Canyon, the Blood Swords deployed the Baal Pattern Predator Issachar’s Fury as part of an armored spearhead.

Again, namedropping. What I have previously said in relation to the Red Hunters would also apply here.

Overall, the Oblivion Knights prefer to strike hard, quickly, and from the shadows. How they do this varies between the thraexes, as each fights in the way preferred by their respective Captain.
Thraex Bavak prefers hand-to-hand combat, using rapid hit-and-run calculated acts of slaughter that sap the enemy’s morale. They have been noted to use tactics similar to those of the traitor Night Lords and World Eaters Legions. Thraex Evros, meanwhile, prefers overwhelming firepower, using artillery and heavy weapons to annihilate the foe. Thraex Araton fights almost exclusively from the shadows, using ambushes and surprise attacks to keep the enemy guessing. Lastly, Thraex Saion prefers to stick to the saying “Kill the head and the body will die”, focusing on killing the enemy leadership and using rapid and overwhelming force to take out the survivors

This section should focus on what they do the same, not what each Thraex does differently.

This would change with the Crusade of Wrath. Having suffered an embarrassing defeat by the Black Templars, Kyton realized he needed a way to quickly bolster his forces. Convening with his Astikai and best Sorcerors, Kyton came upon an almost perfect solution.

Namedropping...

If this is an almost perfect solution, why has everyone else not started with it? I recommend changing this to avoid Mary Sue factor.

The Knights have launched numerous attacks on Alaitoc and Aringhe, whom they hate more than any other Craftworlds, as well as Tir-Val, a Craftworld near the Mælstrom.

Why do we need to know about Tir-Val? There is no need to bring up more questions that you don't have space to answer.

The Oblivion Knights see the Imperium as weak and dying, led by imbeciles and fools who do everything in the name of their false god, a useless corpse on an overly elaborate life-support system.

Wry humour, whilst cool in a quote, is not really compatible with the actual meat of the IA.

The influence of the Dark Apostle can also be seen in the slight hate the Chapter has towards the sons of Guilliman.

Do they really have to hate the Ultras? What does it add? How do you have a 'slight hate' for someone anyway?

The Chapter has hates the sons of Rogal Dorn, mostly due to the Red Hunters attacking them on Manpetos and partially due to the influence of Akkan, who fought bitterly against them Imperial Fists on Terra. The Knights see the Imperial Fists and their sucessors as being all the same: vainglorious fools with inflated egos.

This makes more sense than hating the Ultras. The only thing I would say is that their opinion of the IF is a bit skewed-those guys are some of the humblest of Astartes chapters-there is a reason they have the pain glove.

The gene-seed has remained pure thus far, but over 1,000 years in the corrupting influence of the Mælstrom is beginning to have an effect.The Chapter has taken to taking the gene-seed from dead Astartes as a means to bolster their stock. It remains to be seen if this will work as a long-term solution.

That effect being what, exactly?

This works as a long-term solution for every other traitor legion, so I would remove this bit.
--------------------------------------------------------

There are some excellent ideas here, but it needs focusing, more of a view to developing theme-the thing oozes character, (except when you break the flow with excessive detail), but the theme is disjointed-is it the historical pieces, or the daemons? You need to make a choice, and then spread that through the IA so that we get it. The other thing is Akkan. If you decide to keep the guy in, then an examination of the relationships between the chapter and him would be nice. Not to mention what possessed him to let your men live.

The excessive detail and informal writing style of some areas are compromising the IA as a whole, and this makes it all less likely to make the prestigious cut that is the Librarium.

The sections detailing the Knights' fall also need work. They often disjointed, and you seem to unable to decide what caused the fall of your men-was it the arrogance of Qarmata, or was it the evil machinations of Kratios? You seem to want the 'tragic betrayal by the =][=' line, and the 'brought down from within' line at the same time-either change it to have one, or find a better way to incorporate the two. Kratios also isn't mentioned enough, as have said.

The fall is the most important part of a traitor Chapter, and it needs the perfection that goes with its status.

Finally, there are a few grammar issues that pervade the piece-sort these, as they really interrupt the flow and lower it in the eyes of the reader. Total capitalisation of a word is only acceptable in informal writing, or habeus corpus speech or text in stories. This is neither.

Most importantly though, remember that, most of this can be solved with a simple point, type, click, there is nothing too major, and that, I am saying what I do to make sure that this is the best it can be, and to help you write a piece of work that is as brilliant as the ideas bouncing around your mind. Best of luck when you decide to submit it. I am blunt in my criticisms, but, at the same time, this is mighty impressive, well done.

PS: Listen to Apothete, for he shall never be vanquished, until Birnam Wood, to high Dunsinane Hill, shall come against him...

B-CA

EDIT: Since the Revilers are an established chapter, why not change to some made-up RG-successor to avoid toe-treading?

This post has been edited by Brother-Captain Alecto: Mar 29 2010, 08:14 PM

[Octavulg]

Index Traitoris: Oblivion Knights
"Tremble, all ye who worship the False Emperor. Despair at our coming! We shall slay you and your wreched Imperium shall drown in a sea of blood!" - Lord Kyton at the Battle of Alioth during the Burning of Bastle VI.

This is sadly uninteresting. Just your standard Chaos Space Marine ravings.

Brother Skirmantas, Squad Olshan, 2nd Company, Shadow Knights

Black? Really?

The Oblivion Knights, originally the Shadow Knights, were created during the 17th Founding in response to increased Ork and pirate activity in the northern Ultima Segmentum, from the gene-seed of the Revilers chapter. The Revilers, in addition to providing the gene-seed Jaemros, Captain of the 6th Company, was chosen to lead the young Chapter. Jaemros was a young Captain who believed it was the duty of every Astartes to live up to certain virtues such as courage and diligence and to protect the innocent from harm. To him, an Astartes that did not do these things was unworthy of his status. He saw his Chapter as “a company of shining knights, charging from the shadows to strike down His foes and defend His realm.”
Thus, the new Chapter was named the Shadow Knights. The young Chapter was given a fleet of ships and a supply of wargear and sent off to defend the Imperium from harm.

Never try to use Astartes to describe a single Marine. Astartes isn't a singular term that way. You wouldn't say "a Mechanicus" to describe a Tech-Priest (or at least, you shouldn't).

The turning point in the Chapter’s history would be the Marilith Campaign. An Eldar war host comprised of forces from Craftworlds Aringhe and Alaitoc attacked a number of worlds in the Marilith sector. Many of the worlds that came under attack were Industrial and Agri-Worlds that supplied resources to the Forge World Kenton Prime. This Forge World provided the Shadow Knights with most of their equipment. Without the flow of resources from these worlds, Kenton Prime’s production would fall dramatically. The Shadow Knights deployed 4 companies, along with a full half of the 10th, to defend the Emperor’s realm and protect their interests.
The Knights, alongside the Skitarri of the Mechanicus, fought the xenos scum and won a number of victories early on. The Chapter, led personally by then Chapter Master Atul Nadir himself, easily crushed the Eldar forces. The xenos were pushed back to the world of Bactria. It was here that the fate of the sector would be decided.
Preliminary scans of the planet from orbit indicated that the Eldar were amassing in the great northern mountains. The Knights were to drop down and unleash a savage attack on the xenos, causing them to flee right into the waiting guns of the Skitarri.

Kenton is a silly name for a Forge World. It makes me giggle.

As time went on, the Chapter continued in their ways. There were even indications that they did what they did not because they saw it as their duty, but instead because they enjoyed it. Still and though, every action has a consequence, and the Knights’ actions were catching up with them.

Well, this came out of nowhere.

The Chapter was on Manpetos campaigning against WAAAAAGH!!! Bigklaw when Kyton received a visitor; Inquisitor Qarmata of the Ordo Hereticus and half a company from the Red Hunters chapter. Qarmata confronted Kyton with charges of intentional destruction of Imperial structures, and a large and rather disturbing spike in recruitment. Kyton had a choice: either come quietly and allow Qarmata to act as an Inquisitorial watchdog, letting the Chapter go about their business while ensuring they didn’t step out of line, or refuse and send Qarmata away, no doubt causing her to take action against the Chapter.
Kyton refused to put the fate of the Chapter in the hands of the Inquisition. He vehemently denied the charges and gave justification for his Chapter’s actions, but the Inquisitor remained unconvinced. Their debate turned into an argument, the argument grew more and more heated, till at last Kyton bellowed “I will not stand by while some idiot Inquisitor dares to threaten ME and MY CHAPTER!” and pointed his plasma pistol at the Inquisitor. Qarmata was outraged. She vowed to see to it that the Shadow Knights were excommunicated and that their name became a byword for treason throughout the Segmentum. Then she gave the Red Hunters the order to fire at will. The Hunters savagely attacked their Astartes brothers, and killed many. However, half a company cannot hope to beat an entire Chapter, and so the Red Hunters were all killed. The Knights, realizing what they’d just done, returned to their ships.
As the Knights returned to the ships waiting on them, they found themselves in the middle of another firefight. It seemed the Inquisitor, before being shot dead by Kyton, had ordered her ships to fire upon the Chapter fleet. The Inquisitor’s ship, the Lunar-class cruiser the Destroying Angel, along with numerous strike craft and two squads of Gladius escorts provided by the Red Hunters fought against the Shadow Knight’s ships. Once again, however, the Inquisitor had underestimated the Shadow Knights, and so the Destroying Angel and all the Red Hunter’s ships were destroyed. The Chapter left the system immediately.
The Knights’ fleet made a blind jump that put them in the desolate Kressida Belt. It was here that Kyton made a addressed the Chapter. The Inquisition had tried to see them exterminated like vermin. Their brother Astartes had savagely attacked them. Who could they trust in the Imperium? Why should they serve such masters? From this point onwards, he declared, they were no longer lapdogs of the Imperium. With these words, the gathered host erupted into violence. Those who wished to stay with the Emperor went to kill Kyton for speaking such blasphemy, only to be attacked by those that had sided with Kyton. Battle-brothers that had fought on innumerable battlefields against a myriad of enemies now fought each other, with no quarter asked, given, or expected. When the fighting had stopped, the Loyalists, 45% of the Chapter, was dead. 6 of the Company Captains had been slain, as had the entire Reclusiam and most of the Armory and Apothecarion. All the scouts that sided with them were instantly promoted to full battle-brother status.
With their numbers reduced by the combined casualties from Manpetos and the Chapter war, Kyton saw it fit to reorganize the Chapter. It was then that Captain Araton told Kyton that the Chapter needed to find a place where the Imperium couldn’t touch them, for the Inquisition’s hounds would be chasing them soon. Kratios agreed, and suggested the nearby Mælstrom. Kyton saw the wisdom in their words and agreed.

Who cares?

You haven't established the Chapter as they were, so their decline and fall makes no difference. Furthermore, their fall is arbitrary and the events which lead to it introduced out of nowhere. And finally, most of the events you have described are battles - which are arguably the least interesting thing about most Space Marine Chapters.

As the Chapter set forth for the Mælstrom, Kyton made a proclamation, saying “Although we are still knights, we have given our souls unto darkness and oblivion. Very well then. We shall accept the oblivion as our master, and we shall serve our master as any knight would. We shall be oblivion's knights.” Thus was the Chapter reborn as the Oblivion Knights.

Honestly, Oblivion Knights is a perfectly decent name and there's no reason they couldn't have been called that from the first.

As the fleet travelled onwards towards their destination, Kratios went to Kyton in his chambers and asked him to have the Chapter assemble again. Kyton, trusting his Chief Librarian, gave his consent, and within moments the Chapter had gathered once again.
Kratios spoke to them of Chaos. As he put it, Chaos was made of 4 great powers. These powers were the Emperor’s enemies. The Imperium was afraid of them, for they had many followers who saw to it that their will was done. The powers cared not how their will was done, only that it was done. They could bring the Chapter greater power than they’d ever known. Would they give themselves to them?
The Chapter stared in wide-eyed wonder. Kratios invited anyone that wanted to give themselves to Chaos to drop to one knee. Slowly, some of the marines began to kneel. With each marine that knelt, it gathered momentum, until at last the entire Chapter was on their knee.
The fleet left the warp near Tyr’s World, very near the Mælstrom. They continued onward, when suddenly a significant group of ships appeared on their scanners. The Chapter hid on the very edge of the system. The other fleet grew closer and closer still. Then Kyton noticed that they hadn’t powered their weapons. They grew even closer, into visual range. The main ship was a massive thing of archaic design, covered in symbols the Oblivion Knights didn’t recognize. Kyton asked the vessel to identify itself. The reply came back “The Imperator Diabolis of the mighty and exalted Dark Apostle Akkan. Who are you?”
Kyton replied “I am Master Kyton of the Oblivion Knights. We are recently split from the Imperium.”
It was then that Kyton received a curious reply, asking him to come aboard the ship to talk to their leader. Soon Kyton and his Honor Guard were on a shuttle travelling towards the strange ship.
The Knights boarded the ship and were led by a group of marines in crimson armor to their leader, the so-called “Dark Apostle” Akkan. Kyton told Akkan of the events that had led him and his Chapter here; the treachery of the Inquisition on Manpetos, the Chapter War, and their recent turn to Chaos. Akkan could sense that Kyton knew only a glimmer of Chaos’ light. He told Kyton of the Emperor’s betrayal of his sons and of the Long War. He told Kyton about Chaos in depth. Akkan sent the Knights back to their ships, bidding them to tell their brothers what he had taught them.

It's an interesting concept, I admit, but again, it's very arbitrary.

Also, you are way, way too fond of speech in IAs. It should be used minimally, if at all.

After turning renegade, the Chapter reorganized. The four Captains that had sided with Kyton; Araton, Saion, Bavak, and Evros, became his “hetmen”, or lieutenants. Each of them was given roughly 220 Marines, a unit they called a “thraex”. Each of the 5 thraexes contains Tactical, Assault, and Devastator squads. Kyton is the Astikai, the supreme master of the Chapter. As such, he does not command a thraex, but instead commands an elite cadre known as the “Doombringers”. These Marines are the very best of the Chapter, trained in the use of Tactical Dreadnaught Armour and always found where the fighting is thickest.
The Armory, Librarium, and Apothecarion remain separate entitles within the Chapter. The Knights have only a handful of Apothecaries and Techmarines, as most of the specialists were killed during the Chapter War. As such, the few that remain are only committed to battle during the direst circumstances. In contrast, the Librarium suffered relatively few casualties as most of their number sided with Kyton, no doubt because Kratios (or Zhuron, as he is now known) was and remains Chief Librarian.
The Chapter maintains a fleet of 2 Battle Barges; the Sword of Twilight and Eternal Shadow, and 3 Strike Cruisers; the Igneus Vesica, Laelaps, and Bringer of Woe

Why? Just why?

The Oblivion Knights have no set battle cry, but commonly heard ones include “OBLIVION AWAITS!” and “DESTROY THE WEAK!”

Really?

* * *

The difficulty in writing a good IT is not falling into the trap of "and then they turned to Chaos", and if you dodge that one not hitting its close cousin of "and then they turned to Chaos after a lot of pointless paragraphs". You have somehow managed to fall into both at once. And then do it again a few paragraphs later.

Your writing is far too informal - but practice will hopefully improve that.

Alecto's critiques seem quite valid as well.

The real problem right now is that the Chapter's character is not well-established either before or after their fall, and the process by which they move from A to B is somewhat arbitrary into the bargain. I'd recommend getting back to basics and plotting out the nature of the Chapter and how they get to where they are. Then present that, clearly and completely.

Also, black? Really? Can we be any more 1990s?

This post has been edited by Octavulg: Apr 18 2010, 01:29 PM

[Argon]

Critique from Octavulg? And I didn't have to beg?

This is awesome.

Black? Really?

Yes, really. I like it. You should be glad, it was almost a generic "black-white-red" scheme.

Never try to use Astartes to describe a single Marine. Astartes isn't a singular term that way. You wouldn't say "a Mechanicus" to describe a Tech-Priest (or at least, you shouldn't).

I'd be very tempted to start using that term in the Mechanicus forum if I didn't care about the inevitable melta-ing that would come with it.

Kenton is a silly name for a Forge World. It makes me giggle.

You have a point there.

Who cares?

You haven't established the Chapter as they were, so their decline and fall makes no difference. Furthermore, their fall is arbitrary and the events which lead to it introduced out of nowhere. And finally, most of the events you have described are battles - which are arguably the least interesting thing about most Space Marine Chapters.


Honestly, Oblivion Knights is a perfectly decent name and there's no reason they couldn't have been called that from the first.

Yeah, I'm working on making it better. Life has gotten in the way, but I can assure you I'm trying to improve that bit. It is kinda weak, and the Index Traitoris already has a Chapter betrayed by the Inquisition.

Oblivion Knights is a pretty cool name. I think they'll be keeping it.

It's an interesting concept, I admit, but again, it's very arbitrary.

Also, you are way, way too fond of speech in IAs. It should be used minimally, if at all.

The speech bits are my least favorite. I've been trying to think of a way to change them, but I just can't.

Why? Just why?

Why what? Why all of it?

Really?

Yes, really.

The difficulty in writing a good IT is not falling into the trap of "and then they turned to Chaos", and if you dodge that one not hitting its close cousin of "and then they turned to Chaos after a lot of pointless paragraphs". You have somehow managed to fall into both at once. And then do it again a few paragraphs later.

I am a man of many talents .

Your writing is far too informal - but practice will hopefully improve that.

I'll admit "formal" writing isn't my favorite kind to write. Some serious reading of the Indices Astartes by Games Workshop is in order.

The real problem right now is that the Chapter's character is not well-established either before or after their fall, and the process by which they move from A to B is somewhat arbitrary into the bargain. I'd recommend getting back to basics and plotting out the nature of the Chapter and how they get to where they are. Then present that, clearly and completely.

I've beem dimly aware that the chapter had little theme. I think more daemons are in order here. I was actually thinking of making the majority of the Chapter daemon-posessed suits of power armour, with a cadre of flesh and blood Marines serving as Chosen and Terminators and what not. The only problem with that being that there's that nagging little voice saying "In that case, why not just play Thousand Sons?"

Meh. I'll think of something.

Also, black? Really? Can we be any more 1990s?

Yes. I could be using 3rd Ed models.

[Octavulg]

Yeah, I'm working on making it better. Life has gotten in the way, but I can assure you I'm trying to improve that bit. It is kinda weak, and the Index Traitoris already has a Chapter betrayed by the Inquisition.

You can repeat concepts (though I think you should try and mix it up, obviously).

Oblivion Knights is a pretty cool name. I think they'll be keeping it.

It's a very cool name. I'm just saying you might as well let them have it from the start.

The speech bits are my least favorite. I've been trying to think of a way to change them, but I just can't.

GW will provide you with insight.

Why what? Why all of it?

Why reorganize the Chapter? And why feel that it's worth explaining at great length? People don't read IAs for TO&Es. They read IAs for coolness.

Yes, really.

They're just...very generic and makes it feel like the Oblivion Knights are trying too hard.

There's a point where you go too over-the-top, and I think you've hit it with those.

I'll admit "formal" writing isn't my favorite kind to write. Some serious reading of the Indices Astartes by Games Workshop is in order.

Wouldn't hurt. Avoid contractions and colloquialisms. That'll get you at least 75% of the way there.

I've beem dimly aware that the chapter had little theme. I think more daemons are in order here. I was actually thinking of making the majority of the Chapter daemon-posessed suits of power armour, with a cadre of flesh and blood Marines serving as Chosen and Terminators and what not. The only problem with that being that there's that nagging little voice saying "In that case, why not just play Thousand Sons?"

The voice does have a point.

And I think you're missing what I'm getting at when I say character. When someone asks you about one of your friends, you don't initially mention their hair color. You talk about their unique traits and personality quirks, providing some examples.

So explain the Chapter to us. Both before and after they fell. There should either be some tension between their personalities before and after or their personalities after should twist the positives of before into negatives. At least, such is tradition.

Yes. I could be using 3rd Ed models.

Nothing wrong with that.