David the Despoiler Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 The Burning Eclipse Origins The Great crusade Estrin Destrov ascended to the rank of 15th Captain of the Luna Wolves sixteen years prior to the Great Heresy. He was regarded as a man with unquestioning loyalty to the Warmaster and strict adherence to his orders. He was both unerringly loyal and unimaginative. Destrov's inbred loyalty to his Primarch was only bolstered when he took to the battlefield alongside the 1st Company, and saw the Primarch on the battlefield in the flesh. Horus inspired Destrov greatly, but rather then simply look to Horus as inspiration, took him as an example to be achieved. Horus requested a private audience with the 15th captain and without hesitation Destrov accepted. In that secluded chamber, empty and hollowed but for the demigod and his son, Horus voiced to Destrov his disapproval of the Captain's tactics. Destrov, rather then being insulted, took this to mean that the Warmaster saw within him potential and this served to amplify Destrov's ego, making him feel honored and anointed. To embody this, Destrov pushed himself to the very limits. He threw himself into the most difficult of situations in order to triumph, he exerted his super-human body to increasing acts of strength. Destrov rarely rested, even during warp travel he'd re-examine past battles in order to spite himself for some minuscule, invisible flaw that only he noticed. Another flaw that plagued Destrov was his inability to accept casualties, no matter how grave the situation was, for it meant he'd personally failed somehow. He refused to allow any of his warriors to go into combat unless he'd assessed victory would be achieved with minimal casualties. Destrov expected that if the numbers of his Company dropped too low, he'd appear weak and incapable before Horus. The Space Marines of the 15th Company appreciated the great devotion Destrov exercised as love for his soldiers, when in fact Destrov sought the attentions of the Primarch. When Heresy shattered the Imperium, the 15th captain threw his lot with the Warmaster. For him the Emperor was a distant image, while Horus was omnipresent. Soulrender After the Great Crusade came to an end with the climax of the Horus Heresy, Destrov found himself throwing his loyalties behind Abaddon, captain of the 1st company. As daemonic possession ran rampant throughout the Legion, Destrov showed miner interest in its prospects. He assigned his chief librarian to research into the subject, without much confidence in its capabilities. Ezeron Shevrith began to research the subject as commanded, yet was spurned by Destrov’s lack of support. Thus, he devised a plan to destroy Destrov and take his place. When Destrov’s armor was to be repainted in the colors of the Black Legion, Ezeron mind wiped the servitor that was preparing his armor, and took the time to incorporate a runic circle within the chest piece, which would channel a daemon within it that would devour Destrov’s soul and possess his body, turning him into the ultimate servant. The plan went as expected, and upon the throne room of his ship, Destrov’s last words before beginning his titanic battle with the daemon for his soul, were to be left alone. And so he was. As the possession began, the life support systems in his suit sparked and went out, the room grew dim and the glass grew foggy with crystallizing water. It was five centuries later that Destrov would awaken. The psychic scream that echoed through the ship would bring Ezeron, now commander of the 15th Grand Company and a might Sorcerer, running to the Throne Room, fearing the worst. Upon entering, he was forced to his knees by an eldritch will many times greater then his own. “But how…” The sorcerer muttered, squirming and writhing in agony. Destrov’s armored form glared balefully at his subordinate. “My soul will not languish the appetites of your Dark Gods.” Destrov’s reply was simple, yet carried within it a sinister, black rage that had never been there before. Yet the voice was undeniably Destrov’s. “You fool! By denying the Gods their offering, you have rent a great wound in your soul… A wound that will fester and rend your soul to shreds!” Destrov tilted his head nonchalantly. “Soulrender.” He smirked at the word. “I like it.” Destrov stepped over the Sorcerer and walked back to his bridge, to announce his return as Lord of the Burning Eclipse. The Sorcerer died not an hour later of brain hemorrhaging. Other, more loyal, Sorcerers would examine Destrov’s ethereal wound. None could fully heal it, although its size was greatly reduced. Now it is like a scar, a tiny void into the Empyrean. Destrov was informed that, just like a balanced scale, he could draw upon the power of the empyrean through this scar, but he had to return the energy to it one way or another. The ultimate currency, Destrov found, was the souls of those he defeated. With a daemonic runeblade, forged to his specifications, Destrov siphons the souls of those he slays into his very body, from whence he feeds it into the burning, furnace-like scar in his soul. The Betrayal Destrov had become a great General of the Black Legion, leading many successful raids out of the Eye of Terror and contributing to Abaddon’s Black Crusades meticulously. But the beginning of the end of his career as a Lord of the Black Legion was at hand. It all started with a slight sign that most would dismiss out of hand. Abaddon gathered a war council of his Generals, plotting for his next Black Crusade. When the Despoiler suggested that Cadia be taken, Destrov shook his head almost imperceptibly. The Despoiler nonetheless noticed this sign of distrust with a suspicious eye. Destrov did not agree with Abaddon's plan, in his mind the attack was a suicide mission intent on lessening Abaddon’s number of competitors. It was a common tactic, for the Despoiler was no fool, he knew that many sought to take the place of Warmaster from beneath him. And try they did, only to be thwarted in off-hand ways that made it appear like the will of the very Gods themselves. Failures in their warp-jumps that resulted in catastrophic destruction, misinformed assaults doomed to fail from the beginning and other such events. Abaddon had known all along of Destrov’s unease with his rule, that he clearly favored the former Warmaster over himself. Abaddon sent Destrov and his Great Company to take a daemon world under the rule of the Iron Warriors Legion. They were to lead a surprise attack against the fortified world. Supposedly its occupation had been recent and the Warriors of Perturabo would not have had enough time to establish a proper defense. Withheld from Destrov, was that the planet had in fact been one of the most tightly entrenched worlds the Iron Warriors had conquered and had been fortified so heavily that unless an entire Legion assaulted it, would it be taken. Even then the losses would be tremendous. Destrov had swallowed his pride throughout the centuries, following Abaddon in the hopes that he would one day be overthrown by one more worthy of Horus' title. He followed the Warmaster’s orders without question. Upon the eve of battle, Destrov was told that he would be reinforced by a second fleet within the hour, to insure the “success” of the mission. The Mission After the warp-jump, Destrov's flagship, the Balefire, found itself and its accompanying ships besieged by some of the most accurate fire power ever to glance the gigantic warships. It brought its own weapons to bear, but the warship’s fearsome fire power did nothing to halt the awesome display of destruction wrought by the Iron Warrior’s masterfully artificed defense. The battle was over before it even began, every single accompanying ship destroyed. The Balefire’s engines were shot, unable to propel the ship any longer through real-space. But the Battle Barge’s warp drives and Gellar fields were still functional. Fighting tooth and nail to keep the ship in one piece while the it was boarded and the engineers aboard were struggling to ensure the jump was being made, the forces of Destrov were overjoyed to see their promised reinforcements appear out of the warp. But to the dismay of Destrov and the warriors of the fifteenth Company, they had misinterpreted the definition of success in this mission. The Black Legion starships opened fire with their powerful turbo lasers, the massive beams of light cutting swathes out of the enormous space cruiser. With the last of its strength and the final spark of life within it, the Balefire hurtled itself into the Warp. Aftermath http://img693.imageshack.us/img693/7741/redeclipse.jpgThe ship reappeared into reality at random intervals, its warp drives fluctuating madly. With this unpredictable influx of power, the crippled engines of the Battle Barge also activated themselves at random whims when it reentered reality, sending it veering into random courses. The fate of Destrov and his Great Company was at the whim of the Dark Gods themselves. And the Brothers in Darkness did indeed have plans for Destrov, as his crippled ship somehow managed to maneuver its way out of the Eye of Terror by pure chance alone and into the depths of Imperial Space, into a system nearly forgotten and untithed by the Imperium. It is within the Sidus system that Destrov settled, from where he refurbished his armies, repaired his ship and forged his outrage and anger into much a purer form, hatred.Seventy two years passed, and the repairs to the Balefire were completed. By chance, the system had a rarely visited star port and a mining colony readily available. His ship refurbished, his armies restored and eager to burn the Warmaster’s prize to the ground, Destrov heads out at the head of the 15th Great Company of the Black Legion, now known as the Burning Eclipse. No longer furbished with the golds and silvers of Abaddon’s forces, they bear blazing red upon their armor to symbolize their anger and resentment. The past is finished and there is no chance of it ever returning. Their hatred of the Imperium is eclipsed by their outrage towards Abaddon. Upon their shoulders and banners, the Eye of Horus is displayed no longer, instead replaced by the emblem of an eclipsed star. Home World The star-system of Sidus is the current home of the Burning Eclipse Chaos Space Marines. It bears five planets in total. In order from closest to farthest from the sun there are Argivur, Treghnya, Froiva, Shoiva and Galdwyn. It is located close to the North Western Galactic Fringe. It is known to be one of the rather more self-sustaining systems. Agrivur Agrivur is a sparse planet, with its proximity to the sun not much foliage graces the planet. Instead it is used as an agri-world, its large, rolling planes making for perfect agricultural fields and facilities. Due to the rather large amounts of fossil fuels within its crust, some historians believe that Agrivur at one point supported much more life then it does now and that a mass extinction occurred sometime within the last nine thousand years. Treghnya Treghnya’s populace is a large one, easily numbering in the trillions. This world is the most hospitable of the entire system, with nearly tropical atmospheres throughout most of its mass. This is where the seat of government for the Sidus system resides, known as the Coalition of Perrus. Perrus was a great hero of the Sidus system that conquered it all to stop the civil-war that wracked the system. Once the Reign of Blood had ended, a group of extremists made their way to this off-hand system and built a temple on Treghnya, then began to demand tithes and taxes from the planets of the system. They had been fleeing the fury of a retribution-seeking Imperium. The radicals intended to continue the Age of Apostasy on a smaller scale. Upon Perrus’ conquering of the star-system, he selected a representative from each planet, voted in by his people, to represent them on a council located on Treghnya. The radicals were publicly executed for the evils they have committed and their misuse of the Emperor’s name. Froiva The planet Froiva is the home of the Pleryn space dock. It is here that the Balefire was repaired when it first came to the Sidus system. Froiva itself is not as heavily-populated as Treghnya, its population barely numbering in the twelve billions, but it still houses an impressively efficient work-force. The planet also has a manufacturing sector, creating the essential parts needed in Space Craft repair with the sanction of the Adeptus Mechanicus. The Mechanicus, however, demands a tax is paid for the use of its knowledge and machinery. After nearly five thousand years, the tax has been almost forgotten due to the lack of visits Sidus receives from the outside. Shoiva Shoiva is a world that sustains immense amounts of life, but very little of it is actually human. Most of it is plant, almost 75% of the planet’s surface covered in steaming jungles and roiling, thick forests. It is here that the Imperial Guard regiments of Sidus are garrisoned and it is here that they are trained. The planet is habitat to many dangerous predators, but almost all of them can be taken down by a reliable las-rifle. Galdwyn Galdwyn is a planet almost devoid of life, a paradox when compared to the other planets of the Sidus system. It has been transformed into a mining colony, as it is rich in minerals and metals, not the least of which is the fabled Promethium, an element famed for its destructive capabilities throughout the Imperium. Combat Doctrine Space Combat Being a part of the Fleet-borne Black Legion for nearly 10'000 years has given the Burning Eclipse plenty of opportunities to perfect their boarding actions and space-based combat. After their grand betrayal by Abaddon, their space forces have been severely crippled, with only the Balefire surviving the ordeal. Upon arrival at the Sidus system, the Burning Eclipse has had their fleet bolstered by the meager Planetary Defense fleet, merely a half dozen Sword-class frigates and one Imperial Cruiser. Although not capable of holding their own against an enemy en masse in space combat, the Burning Eclipse does have the capabilities of making devastating and fluid boarding actions, a practice perfected by their years of fighting in the Eye of Terror. Thus the Burning Eclipse tends to avoid engaging in major space combats with few exceptions. Fortification The fortification of what few bulwarks the Burning Eclipse still maintains is an essential part of their maintaining stability. This duty falls upon Kargath Plaguescythe, an aspiring champion under the influence of Nurgle. His entourage of Plague Marines indulge in the static defense of maintaining fortresses and strengthening existing bulwarks. Their defense is unyielding and stubborn. When these diseased marines take to the battle-field, they are almost always seen within the confines of a Rhino, opening the top hatch to rain plasma upon their foes. Plaguescythe, however, has fallen beneath the inquisitive eye of Destrov himself, for his recent campaigns have resulted in less then satisfactory results. Plaguescythe is nervously working to regain the respect of his master. Ground Assault None other then Arwith Skullreaper, blood worshipper of Khorne, would plunge into the furious melee of close combat with zeal and joy. His frenzied berzerkers of khorne rage across the battlefield in Land Raider and Rhino, not caring how, simply as long as they reach their opponents to meet combat. They know that they lack in numbers and that without Destrov's resources and organizational capabilities, they would soon be killed and their slaughter would end. However, when following his orders, the blood letting is to their liking, no matter how much to their unliking the process of getting there is. With long-range support made by large squads of Havocs, along with shorter range support fire from squads of Chaos Space Marines armed with Flamers, the Berzerkers of Khorne are left to the close-combat slaughter of the enemy. Armored Assault/ Siege The Burning Eclipse maintains a varied yet compact group of tanks, including a squadron of five Vindicators, a dozen Predators, four Defilers and a Dreadnought. Only two of the fabled Land Raiders currently bequeath Destrov's armory. The armor is dispersed among Destrov's forces. Despite its small numbers, his artificers work hard to maintain the vehicles and keep them viable to be rearmed in case of any needed situation. In order to destroy enemy heavy armor, the forces of Destrov concentrate on the use of las-cannons and shorter range plasma guns. Squadrons of Vindicators are used to destroy enemy Fortresses. The use of Tactical-Dreadnought Armor is rare, with barely 20 suits available. This is due to the impossible task of maintaining and obtaining new suits of armor. Destrov wears one himself, along with his body guard. The rest are worn by his most trusted warriors, all using the armor's capabilities to teleport in order to descend upon the battlefield in small squadrons outfitted with combi- and heavy-flamers. On small occasions bigger squadrons are used, led by one of the veteran members of Destrov's body guard. These normally use one of the two Land Raiders in order to rush into combat all the more effectively. Organization Destrov's career in military has lasted for 10'000 years, and he has had his fair share of experience organizing his Great Company. He divides his warriors in ways that he predicts will reduce the chances that their renegade-borne nature taking over. The blood-frenzied warriors of Khorne mount up in Rhinos and Land Raiders, keeping their distance from their counter-parts, the Plague Marines of Nurgle, whom sit back and form a static defense. Destrov keeps the warriors away from each other, always in different parts of the battlefield to stop any competitive ambition to transform into hate-fueled violence. Destrov's company of Chaos Marines, normally organized into infiltrating squads outfitted with abnormal amounts of flamers to deal the most effective damage to enemy positions and into Havoc squads outfitted with primarily Las-cannons. Due to the lack of equipment available and the work required to keep such equipment functional, most Chaos Marines are assigned their primary task and given their equipment. Each Marine maintains his own weapons, armor and mind, keeping with the same squad until they are decimated beyond re-creation. Destrov's armies are rarely ever separated, their numbers small enough as it is. He deploys his armies en mass, to ensure victory and minimal losses. If not he uses the guardsmen regiments of Sidus to achieve his goals. The regiments are still organized and completely unaware of the Burning Eclipse's affiliation with the Traitor Legions. The Inquisition has done their job well, it seems, in screening the population from pro Chaos propaganda. The vast majority of his power armored forces are deployed upon the Balefire. However, it is suspected that the leaders of the Allion system, before The Burning Eclipse arrived, made a call of help to the Imperium and that a force of loyalists are on route. Destrov's forces are prepared to intercept such a force and spring an ambush. His intention was to capture more ships to grow his fleet. Currently his Chaos Marines number in the 800 since their grand betrayal, many casualties taken during boarding actions and the like, not to mention the presence of Chaos Marines on other vessels that were annihilated. At first recruitment in Sidus was slow, as the people did not trust these self-proclaimed heroes. However, after the campaign on Splinter-Fleet Gorgon, the populace has warmed up to Destrov and his soldiers. They are becoming much more anxious to see their sons become heroes such as those before them. These new recruits are receiving rigorous instructions by the veteran Chaos Marines upon the Balefire. They are to remain aboard the Battle Barge until their inductment is complete, for only once they become fully fledged Space Marines, can the true nature of the Burning Eclipse be revealed to them. There are currently no fully fledged recruits from Sidus for several reasons. One is the lack of gene-seeds, the other is the lack of armor. Destrov hopes this will be rectified if Imperial reinforcements arrive at Allion. Beliefs The Chaos Gods Two of the inner factions of the Burning Eclipse that hold the most impassioned followers are those that worship the Dark Gods of Chaos, naturally. The vast majority of Destrov's armies are not unhesitating and narrow-minded worshipers of the Ruinous Powers. They understand that it was by the will of the Dark Gods alone that they survived, that it is by the will of Chaos that they are granted vengeance. Destrov among all others believes that the Gods have chosen him and his warriors for ultimate power, that they had a plan for them. But Destrov would not allow himself to become stagnant and leave his initiatives to lie in the hands of Sorcerers seeking omens from the Dark Gods. He intended to quest for power, he intended to rain vengeance upon the false Warmaster. When the time came, he knew the Gods would throw their fold with him. The most elitist and self-absorbed religious faction within the Burning Eclipse are the Blood-Worshippers of Khorne. These devouted Marines have long ago undertaken the psycho-surgery needed to ascend to the ranks of the Khorne Berzerker. These devoute warriors perform constant rituals to their bloodied patron whenever the opportunity presents itself, through the blood and thunder of battle. The cults of Nurgle are welcoming and all that they ask from their followers is devotion. The most dedicated worshipers undertake the grandeur ritual that transforms a superhuman Chaos Marine into a Plague Marine, his bulk stiffened and thickened by long exposure to disease and sickness. Once a great tragedy befalls a Chaos Marine, such as a loss of hope in ever achieving true power or a fatal wound that shatters their already fragile resolves due to the very nature of their lives, they enlist in the cult of Nurgle, enfolding in his welcoming and safe-guarding embrace. Moral Beliefs A spark of their long-lost humanity returned, something profuse and strange that scared as much as interested most of the Chaos Marines. A sense of brotherhood, something long lost to the renegades, was forming between them and their fellows with whom they survived the betrayal. A sense of humanity, at regaining the ability to feel love, to feel attachment towards something other then their own selfish ambitions, began to blossom anew within them. No Marine has gone so far as to indulge this, but nonetheless honor once more held sway to these once-proud warriors. From such a newly formed brotherhood of Marines, sprouted many new traditions. A warrior-esk paraphenilia began to spread throughout the Grand Company, leading the Chaos Marines to take pride in their work, in their weapons, their very armor. Where once they were tools and nothing more, to be made terrifying in order to frighten their opposition, they once more took care in the careful artifice of their armor. Where once their weapons were but a means to an end, they have once again become an extension of their very bodies. Before a battle begins, upon their transition to battle, great war-chants echo throughout transports and Dreadclaw transports. The most ancient legionnaires, those that no longer remember the ancient battle hymns of their Legions, sing alongside their younger brethren. The newer renegades, merely a few thousand years old, began to remember, with a certain kind of nostalgia, the songs that had strengthened them so once under the sway of the Imperium. These songs are shared, each one differing from the last as each individual Marine remembers hymns from their individual Chapters, Companies or even squads. This is the most outward show of devotion that can be found outside of the battle-field, for within it these Marines fight together in a way that no ordinary band of Chaos Marines would. They do not care to fight for furthering their own glory, but rather for the glory of their Lord. For through their Lord, they have once more found what they sought within the ruinous powers. Freedom. Yet they also found what they once prized within the Imperium. Brotherhood. Geneseed The Burning Eclipse was originally a splinter of the majestic Black Legion, most of their warriors having the pure-strained Geneseed of the Warmaster Horus. But as the years passed, more and more divergent Geneseeds were brought into the Black Legion by Abaddon's great recruitment campaigns. Destrov struggled to keep his Company relatively pure, and succeeded to an extent. Only those with the physical and mental traits that Destrov believed would augment his armies were allowed to join. In doing so his Great Company slowly shrunk in size in comparison to the rest of the Black Legion. Casualties were replaced rather distastefully, but Destrov continued to insist on personally overseeing the new members of his company. Such inductions were never taken lightly on his part. Now that they have been severed from their former brothers, Burning Eclipse Chaos Marines have also forsaken their genefather. He is dead to them now, his sons but a shadow of their former glory. His vision has been dirtied and stomped upon, made to fit the workings of others. They no longer care for the title of being the sons of Horus. Horus is a legacy of the past, Abaddon clinging to Horus' ancient quest like a child crazed for revenge. Warcry Let the Galaxy Burn! - Destrov Soulrender For blood and glory! - Arwith Skullreaper Death to the Corpse God! Ruination to his Empire! - Kargath Plaguescythe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Michaels Posted March 17, 2010 Share Posted March 17, 2010 wow i really like it and its very detailed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David the Despoiler Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 I thank you for your speedy reply! My problem is that, originally, the Hive Fleet that I introduced was called Gorgon (this is from the fact that that is my friend's army and we have a bit of a rivalry going on :D ). But now that I know that Hive Fleet Gorgon actually existed (and was actually sighted by the Tau, on the opposite side of the Galaxy from the Eye of Terror!) I need to think of a new name for it. I will soon be updating it more thoroughly, changing grammar and other things that read unwell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apothete Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 As promised, I'm here to take a look for more comprehensive commentary. Fifteen years prior to the Great Heresy Estrin Destrov ascended to the rank of Captain of the 15th Great Company of the Luna Wolves. He was best known for his static loyalty to the Warmaster and strict adherence to his orders. Some called him intelligent, while others called him unimaginative. When the Heresy came, he sided with the Warmaster. Estran did not question Horus' ideals nor the reason for turning on the Emperor, trusting in his spiritual father as a child blindly in his own parent. The 15th Great Company naturally followed. I see that you took my message to heart on the particular line that I referenced, but I'd like to see you apply the same method to the rest of the writeup. Your prose is staccato and terse, which isn't necessarily a terrible thing, but it ought to be done for effect rather than spreading across the entire article. Some of the word choices are odd, as well. Why would you describe someone's loyalty as static unless you meant that it was unchanging in a bad sense, since even inhuman killing machines ought to be capable of some degree of maturation and change? Why would the Fifteenth Company follow Estrin so blindly? What has he done to earn their loyalty so? Even more importantly, what had Horus done to earn Estrin's devotion? There's a chain of loyalty here that you've plainly laid out but it would seem that you've left quite a few links missing. Destrov had become a successful commander, leading many successful raids out of the Eye of Terror and contributing to Abaddon’s Black Crusades meticulously. There's a double use of "successful" in this line and another odd word choice in your use of "meticulously." It puts me in mind of a purity tabard that's been turned into an apron and a power broom. He had earned the title of Soulrender upon the planes of Anneria IV. Unless Anneria IV is a different reality from the material world, I believe that the word you're looking for is "plains." Additionally, you don't tell us what being the Soulrender signifies, why it would be an honor, how one achieves the title and who grants it, and so on. There's a whole lot of important Why that could be answered here. What else happened between the Heresy and the Black Crusades? You haven't really told us anything about why the Eclipse would continue to follow Abbadon after the death of Horus, except the implication that they worship the now-dead Warmaster. But the beginning of the end of his career as a Lord of the Black Legion was at hand. This isn't an informal email between friends, it's a grandiose summary of your Bad Boy Ex-Black Legionaires. Please treat it as such by avoiding this common grammatical mistake. Destrov had become a successful commander, leading many successful raids out of the Eye of Terror and contributing to Abaddon’s Black Crusades meticulously. He had earned the title of Soulrender upon the planes of Anneria IV. But the beginning of the end of his career as a Lord of the Black Legion was at hand. It all started with a slight sign that most would dismiss out of hand. Abaddon gathered a war council of his Generals, plotting for his next Black Crusade. When the Despoiler suggested that Cadia be taken, Destrov shook his head almost imperceptibly, yet the Despoiler noticed this sign of distrust with a suspicious eye. Destrov did not like the idea, in his mind the plan was a suicide mission intent on lessening Abaddon’s number of competitors. It was a common tactic. The Despoiler was no fool, he knew that many sought to take the place of Warmaster from beneath him because they did not agree with his strategies. And try they did, only to be thwarted in off-hand ways that made it appear like the will of the very Gods themselves. Failures in their warp-jumps that resulted in catastrophic destruction, misinformed assaults doomed to fail from the beginning and other such events. Abaddon had known all along of Destrov’s unease with his rule, that he clearly favored the former Warmaster over Abaddon. This is a prime example of clunkiness in execution of an otherwise fine idea. To use nothing but your own words and ideas but simply rewrite them to give you an idea of what I'm talking about: Destrov had demonstrated his aptitude as a commander in his own right, leading a multitude of raids out of the Eye and supporting the greater efforts of the Black Crusades. It was upon the plains of Anneria IV that he was awarded with the title of Soulrender for his ceaseless efforts to bolster the effots of the other Great Companies, though even this accolade couldn't slow the approach of his final days as a member of the Black Legion. Beginning with the slightest sin, that of doubt, Destrov joined his fellow commanders at the behest of his lord, Abbadon. Throughout the planning, the Captain held his tongue and listened to the plans that were being laid, until he could no longer abide the silence and betrayed his thoughts with a minute shake of his head upon the announcement of their target. Cadia could not be taken without immense preparation and Destrov couldn't conceal his disagreement completely, coming to the Warmaster's ever wary eye though nothing more than this simple tell. It was well known that the Despoiler was no fool, sending his most ambitious subordinates on the most suicidal missions so that any failure could be laid at the feet of those who had so obviously not pleased the Ruinous Powers. This final confirmation of suspicion was all that Abbadon needed to confirm his beliefs that Destrov had no faith in his leadership, instead remaining devoted to the long lost Horus and his own plans. See what I'm getting at? You don't have to write in my style or do what I tell you, but there's a tone that ought to be brought out in these kinds of pieces. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apothete Posted March 18, 2010 Share Posted March 18, 2010 I thank you for your speedy reply! My problem is that, originally, the Hive Fleet that I introduced was called Gorgon (this is from the fact that that is my friend's army and we have a bit of a rivalry going on :D ). But now that I know that Hive Fleet Gorgon actually existed (and was actually sighted by the Tau, on the opposite side of the Galaxy from the Eye of Terror!) I need to think of a new name for it. You probably ought to know that the earliest recorded Imperial contact with the Tyranids was on the distant outpost world of Tyran, in 745.M41. After that point, a series of Hive Fleets have made their way into different parts of the galaxy, and all of them have been nearly ten thousand years after the Heresy. If you want to have Chaos Marines fighting the Hivemind then it's doable, but it won't be your first conflict after leaving the Black Legion unless you just broke away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David the Despoiler Posted March 18, 2010 Author Share Posted March 18, 2010 Yes, it was rather recent, just before the 13th Black Crusade is set in motion. I was thinking that since Sidus is so close to the Galactic Rim, and removed from the Imperium, that it could have an engagement "off-the-records." But then again, an IA (or IT in this matter), is meant to be an Imperial record, no? Well, in that case I suppose I'll leave the Hive Fleet assault off, then. It seems to be more trouble then it's worth. I'll just concentrate on the Ork one. I've updated some grammar and other things up until the double asteriks (**). More updating will come tomorrow. EDIT: And for some reason I completely missed your huge write-up. I'll probably end up re-editing the whole thing, then. Don't bother reading it. EDIT 2: I would also like to thank you for delving so deeply. This is the sort of criticism I craved in my original thread. I thank you yet again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David the Despoiler Posted December 3, 2010 Author Share Posted December 3, 2010 It has been FAR too long! I'm sorry if this counts as Threado-mancy. If it does, I'll start a new threat immediately. But I've updated the background quite a bit (it's actually way too long and should be shortened!), but at the moment I just wanted to get the facts down as to why Destrov is known as Soulrender. Some feedback would be nice, parts deemed unnecessary and, well, the norm. I marked it off as "yellow" to make sure that it was easily identifiable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted December 4, 2010 Share Posted December 4, 2010 Ah, I recognize these. ^_^ I'll take a proper look at your IT after the weekend, time permitting. If you want help in cutting down the size of the article, I'll try bear that in mind when reading & reviewing. :tu: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted December 7, 2010 Share Posted December 7, 2010 Well, I sat down and finally read the new section. Sorry it took so long. :( It's well-written, but a bit wordy. You could do with cutting down on the details and the stalling between the librarian's betrayal and Destrov's re-emergence, really. The same can be said about a lot of the article, really. Where you've got all those different planets in your homeworld section, I'd cut most of them out and focus on the one your warband gets the recruits from. Combat doctrine could be a lot shorter. I'm not really reading anything out of the ordinary there, actually. Cutting and pasting the bits about the characters together and simplifying the rest to 'The Burning Eclipse maintain only a few tanks and ships, but are skilled in their use and are equally fearsome in all aspects of combat, be their mission in space or on the ground. Then I'd axe the known campaigns section altogether. Instant space-saver. :( I'd like to give a more thorough critiquing, because this is a cracking piece of work, but I'm gonna be horrifyingly busy for the forseeable future, so I can't make any promises. Keep up the good work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David the Despoiler Posted December 18, 2010 Author Share Posted December 18, 2010 I'm very grateful for your words (kind or critical, both!) and have indeed gone back to shorten things up. I've managed to get the almost short-story-esque Soulrender story, down to a trio of paragraphs. I've begun to cut out irrelevent informatino and will continue to do so. Please, do not hesitate to suggest anything more that you feel should be removed, explained or simplified! Thank you, everyone! ~David Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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