Sigismund Himself

Since as anybody that has seen my DIY process knows, I always seem to work on them in the middle of exam block and I have an assignment that I'm procrastinating on... :lol: As the Typo flew out of the already broken window of the second story of the bar, several curious things happened. The first was the manner of its landing. This happened not on the rather hard admantium ground plating but instead, on top of two marines who had just slid to a halt on a bike. As the dazed pair got halfway back towards verticality, the second happened. The Typo appeared to be sitting on the bike, misshapen limbs shaping themselves to the bike's handles and footrest. Even as they looked on, corruption started spreading over the beautiful paint-job. Clashing colours, mispelt chants and offensive murals spread across the surface. "Ring ning ning ning ning," the Typo muttered as one of the marines moaned at the desecration of his proud vehicle. Rising, both figures starting firing Spellchecker rounds at the mutant abomination as it started accelerating away. Most bullets sparked off the metal of the machine, only one catching the beast, just below its third arm in its back that had been making rude gestures. "A hit, a most palpable hit!" cried Ignis at Ace's successful shot. Ace continued firing, despite the bike having passed the effective range of their weapons down the vast hall. "But not enough of one," Ace grimly said. Clearly, the loss of his bike to the monstrosity was affecting him. He turned to look at Ignis and chuckled. "Your banner might need some repairs." Ignis glanced upwards and only just refrained from bringing the Moderati's wrath down on him for swearing. Where once the mighty Purifiers name had heckled passers-by to join the chapter, the twisted words 'Putrefiers' were emblazoned instead. "Right, lets track this son of the proverbial down. And vox the others. This one is ours." The two figures strolled after the black trail of blood, it seemingly twisting into random letters and half-formed sentences. As they strolled past various portals, they passed deeper and deeper into the bowels of the Legio. Along the way, plenty of odd glances were directed at Ignis' changed banner. Eventually, as the dust thickened they came to where the light failed and history began. The two drew closer together. Although neither were exactly newcomers to the Liber, these were depths that they were unaccustomed to. Everything was just so messy, sheets of littered paper sprawled everywhere with only the occasional stack here and there. There wasn't any formatting anywhere to be seen and the nearest thing to a picture was hastily taken pictures instead of the artistically drawn style they were used to as a result of Brother Argos' artistic skills. "I think we need a Librarian," Ace muttered to Ignis, both waist-deep in shifting papers. "They're the only ones used to this much dust and besides, I think there are things moving around under this stuff," agreed Ignis. Both turned and started walking back the way they had come, starting the ponderous journey to the Moderati's room.

The irony of a member named after the first Black Templar, wielding a force weapon typical of him and his Librarian brethren ;) Fate works in funny ways... And I do enjoy the irony ;) I'm amazed my mug is still remembered in these parts, it's been a while since I was even halfway active. Good to see the community's still going strong :D Now get back to critiquing!

I think he is referring to the way that time is warped in the EOT, so Fenris Kid could be right with the actual age of Abaddon, taking away the "enhanced" ablities that chaos have given him. Actually, no, he couldn't, because it's described him in canon as fighting for ten thousand years. So, no. It's not a literal statement. The nature of the warp means someone can spend a year in the Warp and it comes out a decade later. As far as the history books are concerned, 10 years have gone by. If it IS a literal statement then that would also mean Abaddon has been in none stop fighting without break for 10K years also, which is just silly. The warp also works the other way though. It could be 10 000 in the outside galaxy but it may have been 20 000 years on the inside of the Ocularis Terribus. It just depends on the fickleness of the warp. Not that I agree with this, just playing devil's advocate.

The original topic is back that way guys... I'd suggest creating another topic if you want to continue the discussion In a totally unbiased choice, I would probably say Sigismund at the Siege of the Imperial Palace. Killing all that came against him, 14 of the very best Chaos had there is pretty damn awesome and something I (eventually) look forward to reading. And with all the characters, I think the timeframe in which you pick them is important, given their development over the years or due to external factors like Chaos.

Okay, makes much more sense :lol: Not sure... I always think an IA should start off with the most important section for the chapter that lays out their character the most. For most this is the Origins or History. Currently, the most important part of the Sons' character is their hate and how this came about. I don't see the eugenics program as that important to their actual character, though I didn't get the 'dysfunctional family' idea you were trying to put into it so that might be why. I'd just look at trying to be more concise with it, less words with the same ideas. But I agree there's better things to focus on for the moment. Wasn't getting this while reading. I know what it feels like, I've had Oct and Aurelius tell me to put the Gryphon Guard with 'more slow death' when I think every sentence works its way back to their dying somehow...

I figured since the last edit was the end of May, it wouldn't be too bad ;) Done ^_^ It's a tricky balance to strike but it's more about interweaving it through the article more than having a huge history section. *Whipcrack*

Since these guys will be fighting alongside the Gryphon Guard in the Liber campaign's Crusades for Honour, I figured I might as well critique it after reading it :) There's a few sentences where the wording is a little weak and not quite IA-tone, like the sentence above. If you do a colourpiece and somehow manage to work "That's no moon, it's a craftworld" into it, I will name the next Inquisitor featured in my IAs Shinzaren :D Sounds a little too easy and begs the question why hasn't the Imperium adopted this as standard practise. I would suggest that they seek to use it to break the Eldar's control over their emotions, which is something which they base their lives around to avoid the jaws of Slaneesh, and make them more rash. It just needs more justification to my mind, otherwise why hasn't it been mentioned in the fluff before? Also, the sidebar should be moved as it spoils the actions of the section it's next to. It'd better if it was down further, possibly a lot further. The quote doesn't particularly sound like something an Astartes would say or really grimadark at all. It shook me out of reading the article a little. The Combat Doctrine quote is a brilliant one. I think this is a little too much. The Avatar of Khaine is a walking demi-god, your typical Astartes doesn't stand a chance against them and even Chapter Masters would struggle to survive, let alone triumph. I think this bit really needs toning down. A very nice IA indeed :) The only criticism of it is that it doesn't explore the history of the conflict between the two enough. At the moment, the article consists of their hatred for the Eldar and the fact that they have a freakin' Craftworld (the execution of getting this I wholeheartedly applaud as audacious and brilliant). I would look to add to the article and try to interweave a bit more history into the conflict. Perhaps the Eldar strike against the recruiting worlds of the chapter and scourge them of life as revenge? Apart from that, I'd hint at the Eldar perhaps having plans for the Sons or being a bit more powerful as currently it seems like the Sons are winning comfortably.

Since these guys will be fighting alongside the Gryphon Guard in the Liber campaign's Crusades for Honour, I figured I might as well critique it after reading it :) The use of 'holy' here makes me think that By the standards of the Imperium and considering that the Age of Apostasy is just around the corner, I feel that labelling it tumultuous is odd. The last sentence above is also an example of some of the fat that can be cut from the article. We know that the Mechanicus organises foundings and we should be able to read into it without the sentence. Throughout the article there's a few more like this that can be cut to keep down the word count. A touch of MISS in my opinion here. Plus it doesn't quite fit into the 'feel' of 40k, Inquisitors get the job done by any means: no pity, no remorse etc. Surely they would put in some provision to stop the violence in the Great Crusade. It doesn't look good to have your latest planet unable to be used as a base or part of the supply line due to the natives fighting one another. This needs to be better explained or removed. Other notes on the Homeworld section- I think this section is badly placed. The opening little bit of the IA tells us about the chapter and then we're thrown into this section that doesn't contain a single mention of the chapter. It doesn't help with drawing the reader into the article. I would suggest moving it and/or adding more relevance to the chapter. The Eugenics program- an interesting idea that hasn't been explored properly in a chapter (that I know of). However, I think it takes up too much space at the moment. Currently, I don't think there's a clear picture of the chapter before the loss of their homeworld. It's hard to get a picture of how they change then. I think this probably would help us connect with the chapter better too. I don't think you're exploring the full consequences of the eugenics program as well. A chapter is traditionally a brotherhood. In this, you have women training alongside your recruits (you even have them killing the boys in training) and then women becoming chapter serfs. What changes does this bring to the chapter's mentality? Currently the article feels rather disjointed, I suspect because of editing and multiple versions not quite meshing with one another. There is not a good flow to it and the theme of the chapter doesn't really shine through. I'd have a look at making sure that it just flows nicer from section to section so they feel less like separate info-bytes. Also, the theme of purity is one that has been done before, albeit not in conjunction with fire. I think that you really need to differentiate it more, perhaps by playing up the connection with fire. This could also be done by also highlighting their impossible task of eradicating Orks entirely. It's a task that they can't hope to complete but their hatred will make them try. It also explains the greater use of flame weapons, so that the Orkoid spores are eliminated. Either that or tie in more of the 'holy' hints that are mentioned occasionally. Interesting ideas but I think the execution is just holding it back at the moment. Good luck with it :D

Brilliant :P

'unseen' is ued relatively close together here. Perhaps one of them could be replaced with 'unexpected'? The second half of the first sentence doesn't flow quite as nicely as the first half and ruins it a little (though this is super pedantic :lol:). I think the 'Attack unheard' sentence doesn't work as well as the others and should probably be cut. 'from the unknown' sounds a bit odd as well but I don't have any better suggestions unfortunately. Not sure on the use of 'bask' in regards to shadow, perhaps something like 'Stalk' or 'Clothe yourself in' would work better? There looks to have been a slip up in the name there (bolded portion). I would also use a generic madeup Imperial Fist captain from a lower company as it makes it seem less namedroppy. First two sentences both start with 'Founded'. I would also avoid putting a definite date on when they are founded as we don't know the dates of any Foundings between the 21st and the 26th. "its first true chapter master" sounds like the guy was the chapter master of the Crimson Fists ;) Just a problem with the wording there. Also not sure about naming a world after the capital of Indonesia? I think the death of the entire command structure is perhaps just a little too convenient. And then having command in a young marine's hand and this being more successful than Captain who have had centuries of experience? I don't really quite buy it unfortunately. Although vacillating is indeed a cool word, I'm not sure it's quite right to use here. Perhaps apostate or recreant would serve better? Perhaps in the first sentence is should be 'no singular bas of operations...'. And I'm not sure the second sentence quite works after the second comma. Perhaps something more along the lines of 'the heart of which are the mighty battle barge, Shadow of Night and the massive forge ship, The Shadow’s Arm'. To be continued...

I second nearly everything Shinzaren has said. You've got the concept working, now you've just got to wrestle with the wording to make it express that concept to readers clearly. It may take a few drafts but keep at it :lol: You haven't seen an Octavulg special yet obviously ;) And you think they're bad! Back in my day we had Commissar Molotov ripping the flesh off our bones with a mere paragraph.

My advice would be to give at least a week for people to express interest and decide upon the expectations/rules/guidelines of the project before jumping straight into the creative stage. You need a solid base to launch from for group chapter projects otherwise they tend to just lose steam without completing an IA.