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Sigismund Himself

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About Sigismund Himself

  • Birthday 10/10/1991

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    Oz, Queenslander!
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    Music: Porcupine Tree, X Japan, hide with Spread Beaver, Versailles, Dream Theater, Rush, Yes. If you know more than two congratulations on your good taste ; )<br /><br />Armies: I've given up on the gaming side of things<br /><br />DIY chapters: Gryphon Guard, Sublimators (Astartes Vocates), Storm Lords, Astral Corsairs and the Iron Champions. <br /><br />Interests: Fishing, sport, cricket, reading, Japanese, Japanese Culture
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  1. Okay, makes much more sense :lol: Not sure... I always think an IA should start off with the most important section for the chapter that lays out their character the most. For most this is the Origins or History. Currently, the most important part of the Sons' character is their hate and how this came about. I don't see the eugenics program as that important to their actual character, though I didn't get the 'dysfunctional family' idea you were trying to put into it so that might be why. I'd just look at trying to be more concise with it, less words with the same ideas. But I agree there's better things to focus on for the moment. Wasn't getting this while reading. I know what it feels like, I've had Oct and Aurelius tell me to put the Gryphon Guard with 'more slow death' when I think every sentence works its way back to their dying somehow...
  2. I figured since the last edit was the end of May, it wouldn't be too bad ;) Done ^_^ It's a tricky balance to strike but it's more about interweaving it through the article more than having a huge history section. *Whipcrack*
  3. Since these guys will be fighting alongside the Gryphon Guard in the Liber campaign's Crusades for Honour, I figured I might as well critique it after reading it :) There's a few sentences where the wording is a little weak and not quite IA-tone, like the sentence above. If you do a colourpiece and somehow manage to work "That's no moon, it's a craftworld" into it, I will name the next Inquisitor featured in my IAs Shinzaren :D Sounds a little too easy and begs the question why hasn't the Imperium adopted this as standard practise. I would suggest that they seek to use it to break the Eldar's control over their emotions, which is something which they base their lives around to avoid the jaws of Slaneesh, and make them more rash. It just needs more justification to my mind, otherwise why hasn't it been mentioned in the fluff before? Also, the sidebar should be moved as it spoils the actions of the section it's next to. It'd better if it was down further, possibly a lot further. The quote doesn't particularly sound like something an Astartes would say or really grimadark at all. It shook me out of reading the article a little. The Combat Doctrine quote is a brilliant one. I think this is a little too much. The Avatar of Khaine is a walking demi-god, your typical Astartes doesn't stand a chance against them and even Chapter Masters would struggle to survive, let alone triumph. I think this bit really needs toning down. A very nice IA indeed :) The only criticism of it is that it doesn't explore the history of the conflict between the two enough. At the moment, the article consists of their hatred for the Eldar and the fact that they have a freakin' Craftworld (the execution of getting this I wholeheartedly applaud as audacious and brilliant). I would look to add to the article and try to interweave a bit more history into the conflict. Perhaps the Eldar strike against the recruiting worlds of the chapter and scourge them of life as revenge? Apart from that, I'd hint at the Eldar perhaps having plans for the Sons or being a bit more powerful as currently it seems like the Sons are winning comfortably.
  4. Since these guys will be fighting alongside the Gryphon Guard in the Liber campaign's Crusades for Honour, I figured I might as well critique it after reading it :) The use of 'holy' here makes me think that By the standards of the Imperium and considering that the Age of Apostasy is just around the corner, I feel that labelling it tumultuous is odd. The last sentence above is also an example of some of the fat that can be cut from the article. We know that the Mechanicus organises foundings and we should be able to read into it without the sentence. Throughout the article there's a few more like this that can be cut to keep down the word count. A touch of MISS in my opinion here. Plus it doesn't quite fit into the 'feel' of 40k, Inquisitors get the job done by any means: no pity, no remorse etc. Surely they would put in some provision to stop the violence in the Great Crusade. It doesn't look good to have your latest planet unable to be used as a base or part of the supply line due to the natives fighting one another. This needs to be better explained or removed. Other notes on the Homeworld section- I think this section is badly placed. The opening little bit of the IA tells us about the chapter and then we're thrown into this section that doesn't contain a single mention of the chapter. It doesn't help with drawing the reader into the article. I would suggest moving it and/or adding more relevance to the chapter. The Eugenics program- an interesting idea that hasn't been explored properly in a chapter (that I know of). However, I think it takes up too much space at the moment. Currently, I don't think there's a clear picture of the chapter before the loss of their homeworld. It's hard to get a picture of how they change then. I think this probably would help us connect with the chapter better too. I don't think you're exploring the full consequences of the eugenics program as well. A chapter is traditionally a brotherhood. In this, you have women training alongside your recruits (you even have them killing the boys in training) and then women becoming chapter serfs. What changes does this bring to the chapter's mentality? Currently the article feels rather disjointed, I suspect because of editing and multiple versions not quite meshing with one another. There is not a good flow to it and the theme of the chapter doesn't really shine through. I'd have a look at making sure that it just flows nicer from section to section so they feel less like separate info-bytes. Also, the theme of purity is one that has been done before, albeit not in conjunction with fire. I think that you really need to differentiate it more, perhaps by playing up the connection with fire. This could also be done by also highlighting their impossible task of eradicating Orks entirely. It's a task that they can't hope to complete but their hatred will make them try. It also explains the greater use of flame weapons, so that the Orkoid spores are eliminated. Either that or tie in more of the 'holy' hints that are mentioned occasionally. Interesting ideas but I think the execution is just holding it back at the moment. Good luck with it :D
  5. Sigismund Himself

    GG

    Poor attempt
  6. 'unseen' is ued relatively close together here. Perhaps one of them could be replaced with 'unexpected'? The second half of the first sentence doesn't flow quite as nicely as the first half and ruins it a little (though this is super pedantic :lol:). I think the 'Attack unheard' sentence doesn't work as well as the others and should probably be cut. 'from the unknown' sounds a bit odd as well but I don't have any better suggestions unfortunately. Not sure on the use of 'bask' in regards to shadow, perhaps something like 'Stalk' or 'Clothe yourself in' would work better? There looks to have been a slip up in the name there (bolded portion). I would also use a generic madeup Imperial Fist captain from a lower company as it makes it seem less namedroppy. First two sentences both start with 'Founded'. I would also avoid putting a definite date on when they are founded as we don't know the dates of any Foundings between the 21st and the 26th. "its first true chapter master" sounds like the guy was the chapter master of the Crimson Fists ;) Just a problem with the wording there. Also not sure about naming a world after the capital of Indonesia? I think the death of the entire command structure is perhaps just a little too convenient. And then having command in a young marine's hand and this being more successful than Captain who have had centuries of experience? I don't really quite buy it unfortunately. Although vacillating is indeed a cool word, I'm not sure it's quite right to use here. Perhaps apostate or recreant would serve better? Perhaps in the first sentence is should be 'no singular bas of operations...'. And I'm not sure the second sentence quite works after the second comma. Perhaps something more along the lines of 'the heart of which are the mighty battle barge, Shadow of Night and the massive forge ship, The Shadow’s Arm'. To be continued...
  7. I second nearly everything Shinzaren has said. You've got the concept working, now you've just got to wrestle with the wording to make it express that concept to readers clearly. It may take a few drafts but keep at it :lol: You haven't seen an Octavulg special yet obviously ;) And you think they're bad! Back in my day we had Commissar Molotov ripping the flesh off our bones with a mere paragraph.
  8. My advice would be to give at least a week for people to express interest and decide upon the expectations/rules/guidelines of the project before jumping straight into the creative stage. You need a solid base to launch from for group chapter projects otherwise they tend to just lose steam without completing an IA.
  9. Feedback, late as usual ;) I blame uni and the cold weather we're having making me want to sleep (it almost reached 10˚C :blink: ). Very cool. Though I would change the first sentence to either just 'They see...' or'...what you cannot' as it flows better IMO. Takes a few reads to get the correct meaning of this sentence, you may want to consider rewording. Perhaps you should mention again here that this is according to the legends, otherwise sounds a little MISS. Unneeded comma before the 'and' before 'foresight'. This reads a little weakly to me. "they were pleased" in particular stands out and there isn't enough use of the word "hubris" :P Not sure the first sentence really makes that much sense or is that powerful when you say it. Second sentence, I think after the first comma it needs an 'all' again. Not sure I like the use of the first comma here. Also I think that 'see' could be replaced with something a little stronger. Not liking the use of commas and 'and' here, it just makes it a really choppy sentence. 'at the same time' is repeated close together. Perhaps replace 'them' with 'each other'? I htink 'mythical' would work better than 'mystical'. And villains? :huh: Perhaps given the faithful nature of the planet saints would be appropriate? Perhaps organised by the Imperial Church? Would save the marines a fair bit of effort. This sentence drags on a fair bit. Not sure on the lengthy sidebar about the beast. It doesn't seem to add that much itself to the IA/chapter. I didn't read through the rest of the replies in this thread but I'm guessing it has something to do with the inspiration for this chapter. Anyhow, once again a beautiful chapter :tu: Just a few little fix ups and it's pretty much ready for the Librarium.
  10. The Dornian Heresy As a member of the moderating team here at the B&C I've had the chance to do some pretty cool things. For starters I get to work alongside some of the most knowledgeable, enthusiastic Space Marine players, writers and painters on the planet. I've also been able to help run various Arenas of Death, helped to judge various competitions and I even get to occasional tidbit of inside info on upcoming Astartes projects from GW. But the real reason I love what I do here is that I get the chance to help shape the direction of the B&C, one of the largest, and we hope best, 40K sites on the internet. It can be a daunting responsibility but it's also a great honour and an even greater pleasure and it's times like today, the launch of The Dornian Heresy Volume 1, itself Volume 1 of the Legio Imprint, that really drive that home for me. The Bolter & Chainsword's mission statement is simple: "The Bolter & Chainsword exists to help people learn about modelling, painting, understanding, and playing with power armoured armies in the Warhammer 40k game universe." What you hold in your hands (or more likely, see on your monitor) is the first half of one of the most ambitious undertakings we've seen in the 40K community in a long time - a complete alternate history of the pivotal Heresy era of the Imperium and one of the best examples of the B&C ethos we've seen in just as long. Lead author Aurelius Rex and his co-conspirators, including Ferrata, Owlandmoonguy and a number of very talented artists, present to you 'The Dornian Heresy, Volume I'. Inspired by the Index Astartes articles that appeared White Dwarf in the early 2000's, a time many consider the peak of both that august publication and Space Marine fluff in general, this book gives you a chance to relive to those glory days from a new perspective. A quote from Aurelius' own introduction will give you a taste of what's inside: The authors of each of the 10 full-length articles have done a tremendous job of producing high-quality stories that will resonate with 40K players both new and old as a plausible alternative to the Horus Heresy. Careful evaluation of the characters, strengths and flaws of the pre-Heresy Primarchs and their Legions has resulted in some amazing twists and turns to the familiar Heresy story, some you might guess, others will simply leave your jaw on the floor but still strike true with the 40K fluff aficionado. So what are you waiting for? Come join Aurelius and his brothers in ink as they create history anew with The Dornian Heresy Volume I! And remember, this is just the first half of the story! Legio Imprints This book in particular, and the Legio Imprint in general, also represents yet another step forward for the B&C. For more than 10 years now the B&C has been the online place for Space Marine players to gather to talk about their armies, their ideas and other aspects of what might appear to be a rather unhealthy obsession with small plastic army men for many of us. For almost as many years we've been offering tools to help Astartes players around the world make the hobby easier, more fun and even cooler. These tools have included the Interactive Space Marine Painter (and its Chaos and Xenos counterparts), the Librarium and the Liber Astartes Guide to DIYing. We've also held competitions and community events and generally tried to be the only place a 40K player need come for information and advice on painting, playing or understanding Space Marine armies and fluff, to whit - The Ultimate Space Marine Resource Site. Now the B&C is stepping up its efforts to give the wider 40K community a taste of the tremendous talent and amazing effort put into projects across this site. This will take the form of semi-regular e-publications created by the B&C community which will showcase the best of the B&C to the rest of the world. Note that the phrase 'the best of the B&C' will cast a wide net, we'll be looking for the best writing, painting, rules, gaming advice and more all across the board to appear in future volumes of the Imprint. Also note that when we say 'created by the B&C community' we mean that too, we'll be looking for authors, artists, painters and even members to help with the production processes of digital publications. You'll hear more about this project in coming months but in the meantime, if you're interested in helping, or you've got a suggestion about what deserves to be part of the Legio Imprint or even an idea for a volume then please contact me, SCC, via PM. Right now I'd particularly love to hear from anyone willing to lend us their desktop publishing or e-publishing skills and experience, the board itself provides us with a natural pool of talented 40K artists and authors but the real trick is producing high quality publications to do justice to their work. Again, please send me a PM if you think you can help. - SCC B&C Administrator Download The Dornian Heresy Vol. I Here! The Dornian Heresy Volume I (PDF)
  11. *Lifting his dead thread poking stick* Source: p26-31 of WD (Oz) 300, the one with Calgar on his throne as the cover picture Direct quotes from the Codex Astartes: Only the eager martyr hoards a battle A Space Marine does not wait for the enemy to attack. Make your foe react to your movements instead In war one should seek to take and hold the high ground. From there the enemies' movements are clearly visible and he will struggle to reach you, let alone fight you. High orbit is the highest ground there is Do not expect every foe to fall at the first blow, be ready to keep striking until they do War is not your recreation, it's the reason for your existence, prepare for it well Walls, trenches and towers are no obstacle, lack of imagination and lack of will are obstacles Honour the craft of death
  12. It just seems really far fetched. It's a bit too dangerous for psykers to stand in the warp for centuries and wait to pluck out a Chapter Master as he goes past :) Also, how did he survive as you've mentioned you need extreme protection or psychic powers to survive? Well, if my marines kept disappearing through the warp and some of them come back, I would think I'd put up a testing practise to ensure they aren't tainted. What's its name? OMaM. Don't ask me how it's pronounced. If you like, I'll change it to RaJ. Just the odd capitalisation is confusing me. I know chaos is insane but they are generally lucid enough to use correct capitalisation :) Well, I don't think geneseed has the much impact on them. It's the old 'nature vs nurture' debate. It's more the placement of the first mention of them, you explain them well enough further on. Well, since your guys are pissing everyone off by eliminating their leaders and acquiring large piles of loot, you'd think that they would be ripe for the taking by one of the larger warbands or even one of the Legions. So's Marneus Calgar to the Ultramarines but how much of a mention does he get in IA: UM? As I say below, I think Chaos marines are the type who kill everyone around the stuff and then call the serfs to lug it back home. Even the raiding guys. So they're miners now? This honestly sounds just a bit silly. No... But they still need natural resources, and they still have their gear from loyalist days, so they use it. I was actually thinking of a perimeter being set up, and then a couple of guys teleport with the mining gear and start stealing for what their worth. It really doesn't fit in with what I'd envisage Chaos Marines really doing. They're generally the 'enslave the population to dig minerals for us' kind of guys. So you've got a force of least than 300 marines attempting to raid some of the highest security worlds in the Imperium? It doesn't make sense to me. I said Last Three Summonings. didn't I? And didn't I specify that the last three summonings were the elites of the whole warband, and each summoning was only about 20 marines strong? I did also say one of them, didn't I? Ah, I accidentally misread that as least, as in the worst. But still. Forgeworld withstand the might of entire Waaghs by themselves. A bunch of 20 marines isn't going to get far around the paranoid Mechanicus you'd think, even if they are able to teleport. Why? Who would pay them to attack other Chaos warbands? Other Chaos Warbands...? You'd think that they would just fight them themselves. And if they start annoying other warbands in such a way, you'd think a few of them would gang up to get the Wraiths back.
  13. I would suggest going away and working on your ideas. Put together 3000 words. The more you triple and quadruple post with minimal or no updates, the less likely you are to get feedback. Wraiths is the correct pluralisation. There's also other spelling errors throughout the article that need correcting. Hacking into comms? That honestly should be standard procedure for Astartes. And you don't tell us how they developed into elite spies etc. You can't just dump 'Oh and they can teleport' like that. As a reader, I'm now going 'What?'. Also, how did the Alpha Legionnares pluck him from the warp? It just makes it seem far too implausible. Why did his chapter accept him back? Why didn't they put him through tests that would reveal what had been done to him? Why wouldn't he kill himself after being tainted in such a way? Why? His duty is to the Emperor first and foremost, not the survival of his chapter. The whole fall to chaos you've got seems rather cliched to me. To be honest, the whole origins story you've got doesn't work because we don't get told enough about the original chapter to really care about their fall. The whole point of the IT seems to be to cover the Wraiths of Darkness, not the fall from grace of the Wraiths of the Emperor. And that's fine. So I would advise cutting the origins section and just put in something along the lines of when they first appeared and rumours of who they were before they fell. What's its name? Geneseed does not make a marine an expert at any type of warfare. It is his upbringing in the chapter that makes him good at a certain skill. So this section doesn't really make sense at all to me. Summonings? What are those? This is the first time you mention them so no reader will know what they are because you haven't explained them yet. How is your warband able to sustain such large numbers? Life as a traitor is difficult. You've started off with a devastated chapter and now managed to build to over 1500 marines? So their goal is mere survival? You need to lead up to the explanation, I've still got little idea of what these roles are. Honestly, I'm not interested in this guy. I want to know more about the actual chapter. And don't bring the Night Lords into it, at this point it looks like you're just name dropping. I would honestly delegate the job of dragging stuff back to the fleet to the serfs. The Astartes' job is to fight and kill. So they're miners now? This honestly sounds just a bit silly. So you've got a force of least than 300 marines attempting to raid some of the highest security worlds in the Imperium? It doesn't make sense to me. Why? Who would pay them to attack other Chaos warbands? This reeks of MISS to me unfortunately. The biggest problem I have with these guys is their ability to teleport. It just breaks the suspension of disbelief to me if you state it outright. If you were to be more subtle with it during the IA and only hint at it then I think the IA would work much better. You've also got no other theme to the chapter. We need to know why these guys fight and what gets them out of bed in the morning to kill, maim and burn. If you're going to have a geneseed curse, you need to have more on how the chapter views it. Hopefully this feedback helps, even if it is fairly critical.
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