CKO

Bare with me I am trying to give feedback to several people at once by reading 1 section at a time, so I have only read the origin section. Your origin section is all over the place. I dont like the idea of 7 chapters basically a legion crusading together. There is no problem with them crusading alone but together would violate the Codex Astartes. The whole point of the Codex Astartes is to make sure that one man could never command the power of a legion. Besides you say they did their own thing so why not take out the other chapters and have your Chapter cleanse a system by themselves. You also mention that they dislike orbital bombardment, stuff like that should go in the combat doctrine section.

Oct you cannot control your inner critic can you, as the OP I welcome all post some of them are a little off but this is the internet. Are we critiquing answers now?

This is a challenge to anyone who has their own Chapter, I want you to tell us ten things about the average marine in your chapter! It may seem easy but I struggled with it a little, try your best to make your marine seem unique and not blend in with the crowd. Here is my attempt! Undaunted Predator •Greatest attribute fearlessness •Greatest flaw pride in their fearlessness •Unforgiving •Courage is most important trait •Punishes those who commit errors due to fear •Thinks that hesitation is a weakness •Combat is a test of will •Fear is a weapon or illness •Is a master of fear •Believes that a full out assault is only way to fight

Its an ok start but you might want to start thinking of ways to make your chapter different from other blood angel succesor chapters. Also I recommend you putting your origin part in your first post.

It is looking good but your combat doctrine section is to long and complicated. I think you can make it smaller and easier to understand.

When you say brutal efficiency are you saying they are very brutal or very efficient, I cannot imagine them being both if they are in a state of barely control aggressiveness. Maybe their desire to be efficient is so great that it puts them in this mind set that causes them to be brutal. Homeworld is fine. In the combat doctrine section why does their strategy lead to losses? If they are throwing everything at them it should lead to less casualities. Why do you want to add the death company to your chapter? Everything else is good.

Congrats on the baby and it is looking better already!

It is a great outline but that is the problem it is an outline. Why not turn the bullets into sentences and BAM, you have written IA sections instead of notes on your chapter.

Page 14 of the Eldar Codex also mentions bio-domes the place where spirit stones are place and the wraithbone is exposed. If the craftworld is their homeworld surely they have found the bio-domes and once they find all of these stones in one place they will destroy them right?

Craftworlds are almost like hive fleets except they rely on spirit stones and the psychic presence of eldar to maintain life. Also why would your chapter not destroy the Infinity Matrix? It is literally the grave site of every Eldar of the craftworld and resting place of their souls, if your chapter hates them so much their first instinct natural should be to destroy their burial grounds. I dont know how you can hate an enemy so much but your homeworld is a craftworld? Maybe I am not quite understanding the value the craftworld has wiith the chapter.

Nice IA it has come a long way, I remember when they were called something else but who cares about that now, my main problem is the craftworld as a home world. If you kill all of the eldar on a craft world the world will shortly die as everything is psychically linked. How would wraithbones without spirit stones survive? I dont understand how it works 100%, but I doubt that the craftworld would be able to sustain life after a crushing defeat.

It is much better from the first one, everything flows very smoothly the only thing I noticed is that you sometimes repeat yourself, such as the mentioning of lack of land raiders in both organization and battle doctrine, you can easily re-word it. I also have to disagree with a post made by someone, a brand new chapter will hate the foe they were created to fight against compared to chaos. Each craftworld has 1 Avatar, I would change it from a few members of the 1st company has slain one to a few chapter masters has slain one. They are literally gods, for a good comparison imagine how many Calgars or Dantes have been slained, then imagine how many opportunities your chapter will have to slay such an opponent.

The combat doctrine transition is alot smoother and easier to understand. I love the Book of War idea, but you left out personality. What are your marines like? Are they cool and collective or always ready to strike?

I understand the change in doctrines now, a little clarification is really all you need.

First off thats a really cool marine, second its hard to believe that a chapter would switch combat doctrines like that, giving us a better reason such as a new chapter master would be easier to accept.