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Index Traitoris: Angels Ascendant


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#26
Imperialis_Dominatus

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Broken a thousand views, so I suppose this is what I'll get. Go go gadget Librarium submission!

This signature to remain blank as a mark of penance following my long exile, to be redeemed by the creation of worthwhile content and the reclamation of my good name.


#27
Imperialis_Dominatus

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This post gives background on the Illumine (Malathion in particular, I'll get to the other two sometime) and an Order of Sororitas which I created to kill and subvert to my own purpose.

The Illumine

U
pon the Founding of the Angels Wrathful, unrest was rife in the Imperium. The shadows preceding the Age of Apostasy and the Plague of Unbelief were falling, though the true holocaust was centuries away. Though many amongst the Angels Encarmine desired, of course, to remain with their Chapter, there were other, more ambitious souls who craved the opportunity to lead a whole Chapter of Space Marines against the nascent threats rising against the Emperor’s true rule.

Reclusiarch Malathion, of the 8th Company, was chosen to be the Chapter’s Master of Sanctity. He was the only survivor of a pilgrimage to Terra that was savaged by Dark Eldar; when rescued by the Angels Encarmine, he was grievously wounded with alien blood on his hands. He showed great promise, and quickly became a Chaplain, but his unflinching belief in the Emperor’s true divinity- alien to the norm amongst Space Marines- kept him from rising further in the ranks, his beliefs barely tolerated by the rest of the Reclusiam.

Upon the Founding of the Angels Wrathful, the Chapter’s leadership recognized that though Malathion’s ways were not their own, surely his zealotry could be put to good use leading others in the Emperor’s name. Malathion accepted the duty wholeheartedly, and was followed to the new Chapter by several from his own Company. These warrior-priests, Malathion foremost among them, would form the basis of the new Chapter’s faith.

Baphomen, Epistolary of the 3rd Company, was a wise and even-tempered warrior-mystic meant to add experience and a counterbalance to Malathion’s almost uncomfortably fervent devotion. He bore with him the Helionomicon, a book of wisdom the Angels Encarmine were, though sorrowful to see go, willing to see it empower a new generation.

After this the question remained: Who to take the mantle of Chapter Master?

Many warriors in the Chapter rose to the task, and for months, physical combats, strategic exercises, purity tests, and questions of faith were given to the petitioners. Eventually, only four remained, equal in every way. At the behest of the Angels Encarmine’s Master of Sanctity, the four were bid to keep vigil in the Chapel until the Emperor Himself resolved the quandary.

For six days and seven nights the four brothers knelt on bended knee, praying silently to their Emperor to guide them in their decision. It was only on the dawn of the seventh day that Amitiel, headstrong Captain of the 7th Company, rose in a trance-like state and took the pulpit below the gilded statue of Sanguinius. As he did, each made the sign of the aquila and bowed lower, the four having had a shared vision, which they refused to divulge.

Thus was the first Chapter Master of the Brotherhood of Wrath chosen, and the other three became the Chapter Lieutenants below him. Amitiel was a young, visionary, and dynamic leader, and his reign over the Chapter saw them fight their most defining conflicts. True to his heritage as an Angel Encarmine, he kept his warriors in action nearly constantly, and in battle they were as great and terrible as Astartes have any right to be. Malathion, Baphomen, and Amitiel all stayed with the Chapter until death claimed them.

These three Lords Illumine, as the Chapter knows them, are a mere step below Sanguinius in the eyes of the Chapter, prayed to as saints for guidance and glory.

Malathion, first Master of Sanctity of the Angels Wrathful

Malathion, prior to the Osara Cleansing

F
ools! To have eyes but not see! To have ears but not hear! To have senses but fail to perceive! Our Lord is a God Incarnate, and His Will shall be done!

M
alathion the Faithful, the Hierophant, the Fanatic.

He began his very life in the fires of faith, born to a family during their lifelong pilgrimage to Terra. Unfortunately, said pilgrimage was ambushed by Eldar pirates. The Angels Encarmine who answered the call for aid slaughtered the alien interlopers, but it seemed that the entirety of the faithful had been killed; at least, it seemed so until they found the boy unconscious from a dozen wounds, with the blood of many Eldar on his hands.

The attentions of the Apothecarion and the boy’s own iron will saw Malathion healed, and when he was offered a place amongst the god-like warriors of the Astartes, he accepted without hesitation. He rose quickly into the ranks of the Chaplains, his ability to inspire and counsel his brethren without question, but the odd persistence of his belief in the Emperor’s true divinity- a thought alien to most Astartes- kept him from rising further in the ranks. Though it must be said, as Chaplains in Blood Angels Successors spend much of their time watching over those who have fallen to the Black Rage and the Red Thirst, it can be sure that these deviations of belief played little role in the day-to-day activities of the Chapter.

It is thought that these beliefs played a key role in Malathion being assigned to the new Chapter, the Angels Wrathful. Though it may be that the Chapter’s leaders were simply tired of keeping the fervent Malathion at arm’s length, he wholeheartedly accepted the position of leadership within the new Chapter. He seemed to take them at their word that they knew his ways, though not their own, could help others serve the Emperor.

The newfound Chapter was soon to exhibit its particular version of the Flaw in the Blood Angels’ geneseed. The Chapter did not suffer from the high rates of the Flaw, but instead those who fell to it were irredeemably insane, requiring imprisonment or the Emperor’s Peace rather than being formed into a Death Company. Thus the Chaplaincy of the new Chapter was able to spend more of its energy contributing to the beliefs of the Chapter. As Malathion began his service with the newly formed Angels Wrathful, several of his disciples from within the Angels Encarmine chose to follow, and these formed the core of the new Chapter’s spiritual leadership. It is they, Malathion chief among them, who formed the Chapter’s dogma, and they who developed and nurtured the new Chapter’s vision and ideals for Humanity. It is also they who contributed to the Chapter’s continuing peculiarity in worshiping the Emperor as a true and literal god.

Mere centuries after the Chapter’s founding, the Age of Apostasy hit with full force. Casting off the veneer of neutrality worn by many Chapters, the Angels Wrathful spoke out openly against Vandire. A delegation of battle-brothers was sent to meet Sebastian Thor, and Malathion immediately threw in the Chapter’s lot with the young visionary, petitioning for direct action in support of his cause.

Through the darkness of the Reign of Blood and the fires of reformation that followed, Malathion led his Chapter with a faith unimaginable and a fury unseen by any outside the Tor Noirox, where the Chapter kept those who had fallen to the Black Rage. It was he who orchestrated the defense of the Shrine of Catarina, inspiring its citizens to unbelievable sacrifice. It was he who bore the painstaking and heartbreaking duty of entering every brother dead into the Tome of the Resting, and he who began the Book of the Damned in the aftermath of Brother Axel’s heresy. And it was he, and he alone, who stoppered a breach in the walls of Hive Alconen, falling to the Black Rage in the last moments of his life and fighting with such fury that, even as his corpse hit the ground, saw the rebel horde fleeing in terror. His body was interned on Altius and his wargear, including his Crozius-flail Malathion’s Hatred, has been worn by each successive Master of Sanctity since his death.

Some, particularly amongst the Inquisition and Administratum, say he was unstable, insane, and not fit for the leadership of a Chapter; there are those amongst the Angels Encarmine who are dismayed that the Angels Wrathful took so to the ostracized Malathion. These slanderers are seen as faithless scum by the Chapter; and tensions continued between the Angels Wrathful and those who insulted their first warrior-priest up until their Excommunication from the Imperium. Indeed, there are those today who propose that the unstable Chaplain was elemental in seeding the corruption of the Chapter. In doing so, however, they risk the rebel Chapter's ire.

Order of the Tolling Bell

Posted Image

A Sister of the Order of the Tolling Bell.

Founding: 746.M40

Convent/Homeworld: Nurau IV <Shrine World>. The Convent is built around a bell tower housing the Mourning Bells, which toll for the death of those considered heroes in the galaxy’s many blessed Wars of Faith.

History: The order spent the millennium since its founding policing Narau IV and ensuring the safety of pilgrims and the security of surrounding worlds. Upon declaring the Narau system secure and stable, it sent many of its forces in support of Wars of Faith, even though it never exceeded Commandery size. Contact lost with the headquarters of this order after <suppressed {clearance granted, ref: War of Angels, compiled on auth/Inq. Baatheim}>

Heraldry/Standard: The members of this Order wear armor of deep purple trimmed with silver and robed in black cloth. Their standard features a pair of iron-grey bells with death’s-head, with the bells’ rope attended by a robed figure with a morningstar and halo below; all this is on a field of purple and encircled by a weave of thorns. This is in reference to the mourning bells of Narau V and the Order’s founder, Saint Eliza. Squad-level heraldry will often include a similar stylized bell and thorns, or a variation of it.

Current Master: Before contact was lost, a Canoness Antonia led the Order. Known to have fought in the Palatine Crusade.

Motto: Purity and purpose!

Notes: Rumored sightings of Sisters Repentia in the Order’s colors fighting alongside <suppressed {clearance granted; ref. Angels Wrathful}>

Edited by Imperialis_Dominatus, 25 August 2009 - 02:51 PM.

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#28
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I expanded the article a bit more, adding to some sections.

I've also created an Angels Ascendant version of the Daily Rituals, based mostly off the fantastic article on this site and the one in the 3rd ed. Space Marine Codex. Obviously a little too detailed for an IA but there's some flavor in there you might enjoy. It also goes into various holy days and how they are observed. I created a list listing off some of the Chapter's relics and a description of the fellow known as the Harbinger.

Daily Rituals

Notes

T
he details and time of the different activities is often changed by the Company Captain to keep the marines under his control alert and ready for any situation. The rest period and meals are prone to elimination but unlike other Chapters, the Angels Ascendant never shorten their prayer sessions.
0400: Morning Prayer: The start of the day is marked with prayer and reflection led by the Company's Chaplain in the Company’s Chapel aboard the Altius Rebirth or the ship they are currently embarked upon. During this service the Company Banner and relics are brought forth to remind the marines of their Company's honour and commitment within the Chapter. During prayer, Marines will inscribe devotional script, their names, and even stories on weaponry or armor. This writing is invisible to the naked human eye but legible to the enhanced vision of the Astartes. In this way, every user of the weapons and wargear leaves his mark on the Chapter, and any brother who uses these weapons will reflect often on the glory of their forebears. This is considered an art form as well as devotion. Inspired by their chaplain and the reminders of their Company's pride, the assembled marines repeat their oaths of loyalty to the Chapter and the Emperor. A famous tale of a past Brother Marine that occurred on this day will be repeated; many Brothers choose to dedicate this day to the spirit of his deed. With this ending, the Captain has the option of addressing the assembled Company. This time is often used to issue orders, announce awards and promotions, dispense punishment and make announcements concerning the Company (such as upcoming deployment).

0500: Bonding. This time is spent getting to know Battle Brothers of other squads in a Marine’s Company- this ensures that casualties can be replaced ad hoc to keep squads at optimal strength with less combat effectiveness sacrificed. Mostly, the Marines spar or shoot together, but every week one day will alternately have the Marines tell stories, hold debates, participate in strategic games, or have duels.

Notes on Debates

D
ebaters against Chapter dogma are 'devil’s advocates.' If they lose, there is celebration at the victory of Chapter teachings. If they win, the loser must study his dogma better.
0630: Morning Firing Rites. After the morning prayer session, the assembled Astartes of the Company perform firing rites. This may be undertaken within the chapter's Armoury or upon a nearby world’s surface, subject to availability and the Captain's wishes. A Marine is expected to practice mostly with his assigned weapon but his proficiency with a number of different weapons is also tested. The marines are examined as they practice with punishment being dealt out for poor accuracy and weapon discipline and rewards for consistent marksmanship.

0730: Battle Practice. After the morning Firing Rites, the focus of the Company switches to close quarter fighting. Hand to hand combat, live firing exercises and simulated battle conditions may all be included, subject to the Captain's desires. This session's location is also decided by the Captain. It can be on the ship, or range from space to an urban setting to jungle to arctic, depending on the availability of nearby worlds’ terrain; often, prefabricated targeting environments are set up in these areas by Serfs. Often these locations are fairly hazardous and inhospitable.

1200: Midday Prayer. The Chaplain once again calls the marines to give thanks and praise to their Primarch and Emperor. This session is often undertaken in the same location as the previous Battle Practice, occasionally while live firing exercises are underway. Any marine severely wounded in the Battle Practice are transported to the Apothecarion for treatment.

1300: Midday Meal. The first meal of the day is now taken by the marines. It consists of specially designed food prepared by the Serfdom that looks and even (somewhat) tastes like conventional meals but is engineered to provide nutrition, nourishment, and enhancement to the Astartes. It would kill a normal human to eat, however.

1315: Tactical Indoctrination. This period is used to study a variety of topic through the methods of hypnotherapy and psychoconditioning. Study is done on alien weaponry, tactics and troops. Tactics on both squad and Company level are reviewed and the lessons learned from the morning session are assimilated. New battle languages are also learned during this mentally intense period.

1500: Battle Practice. This session takes the previous session's work and hones it in reality. The various company and squad level tactics learned are now put into practice. This often leads to the Marines practicing skills outside their normal remit: in rapport with tanks, personnel carriers, their venerable brothers interred in Dreadnoughts, with special weaponry, jump packs, bikes, and heavy weapons. Veterans may spend this time mastering the use of Terminator armor.

2000: Evening Prayer. For the final time in the day, the company is gathered to give praise to the Emperor and the Primarch of the chapter for the lessons learned during the day's practice and for the existence of the chapter. During this time the company's apothecaries and Sanguinary Priest may take geneseed samples as it has been stimulated by the day's work.

2100: Evening Meal. This meal is much more complete than the midday meal with large quantities of protein rich food available. If the day's practice has been of high standard, an indulgent Captain may allow the marines to drink alcoholic liquids (Note: the concentrated amount of alcohol in an Astartes drink would likely kill a normal human).

Notes: If the Captain gives leave, marines that possess special skills may work in the Apothecarion or in the fires of the Forge from the end of the evening meal to the start of the rest period. Here they are tutored by the respective specialists in the arcane arts of the trade. Those that display exceptional promise can be promoted to apprentice Techmarine or Apothecary after suitable amount of time spent in prayer within the Solitorium.

2130: Night Fighting Exercises. The final combat segment for the day is now undertaken. If the company is unable to use night because of environmental issues (e.g. currently onboard a ship, the world they are on has no night time), they substitute with other exotic environments such as underwater, zero gravity and a number of conditions that interfere with their superhuman senses.

2315: Maintenance Rituals. For half an hour, the marines maintain and repair their sets of weaponry and armour. Each marine is given a set of equipment after his progression to Battle Brother status (Note: Extra equipment for specialists may be added during the marine's career). It is expected that he keeps the same set until his death so that there is a close bond with the Machine Spirit contained within each piece of equipment. A piece of equipment that thwarts the marine's efforts to repair it is taken to the Armoury, where the Master of the Forge will inspect the problem.

2345: Free Time. This is the only time that a marine truly has to himself. It is given to the marines out of respect for Roboute Guilliman and his writings in the Codex Astartes, as he said "Consider (the) magnitude of your duty at your leisure, but act without hesitation when (action) is required." This is often used by the Angels Ascendant as an extra prayer session.

0000: Rest Period Begins. Although every marine possesses the Catalepsean Node that allows them to rest one half of their brain at a time (thus not truly needing sleep), extended use of this organ and the interruption of the circadian rhythm of sleep has the effects of reduced efficiency and personality disorders. When not on campaign, the marines are required to enter a dreamless fugue state for four hours once a day. This allows the marine to operate at peak efficiency.

Holy Days

T
here are a number of days that are holy to the Chapter:

Founding of the Chapter

The Ascension

Feast of the Emperor’s Ascension to the Golden Throne

All of the above are celebrated with a feast day. On such a day, all the members of the Chapter that are able to attend will gather in the Assimularum aboard the Altius Rebirth. The Chapter Master then leads the assembled Astartes in prayer. The rest of the day is given over to celebration that features a number of contests involving strength and skill. In particular, on the anniversary of the Ascension, the Angels celebrate the new chapter in their glorious history and the event that inspired it. This is also the traditional time that Aspirants are welcomed into the Scout Company, Scouts are elevated to full Battle Brothers and any suitable brethren are accepted into the Veteran Company. These initiations offer feature tests of skill, strength and ordeal.

There are also several days on which each Brother is expected to observe, in his own way, the auspicious events of that day.

Anniversary of Vandire’s Death

Anniversary of the Storm of the Emperor’s Wrath

Finally, some days are a cause for mourning or reflection.

Loss of the Lions of Ajax: Often, a Brother will light a candle in the Company Chapel or wear cloth bearing (or paint a portion of his armor in) the lost Chapter’s dark blue heraldry.

Death of Sanguinius: A full day is given over to reflection, prayer, and mourning. As the Lost are all too unstable, vox-recordings of various victims of the Black Rage are played, so that the Chapters’ Brothers may immerse themselves in Sanguinius’ final hours. Black robes are worn by all brethren. The day starts out somber but eventually becomes a hate-fuelled day of rage. Sometimes Brothers fall to the Black Rage on this day, and it is often that, if there is even a hint of an enemy within striking distance, the Chapter will deploy as many forces as it can to obliterate the threat, as they cannot contain themselves.

Destruction of Altius III: A grey tabard is worn on this day, and ash covers the clothes and bared skin of the Brothers of the Chapter. Pict-vids of Altius III’s glory are shown in the Chapels, and those few relics saved from its destruction are displayed. Similar to the date of Sanguinius’ death, the day grows more volatile with every passing hour, and chances are many Astartes of the Chapter will see combat on this day.

Excommunication: On this day, the tale of the Ascension, Imloth’s betrayal and death, and the final Excommunication are retold. Over the course of the day, the Chapter’s Chaplains repeat to the Brothers of the Chapter that though the Imperium cast them out, the Emperor did not; that their cause is righteous; and that none may doubt their faith, or stand in its path.

Reflection on Retired Name: The former date of the Chapter’s naming as the Angels Wrathful is a day of somber reflection on that heritage and its glory. Robes bearing the Chapter’s former leonine heraldry are worn on this day.

Chapter Relics

T
he Chapter has seen its share of heroes, laurels and victories, and each piece of wargear, each relic, and each honor is cherished. Similar to their Blood Angel forebears, they hold the shrouds of their fallen heroes as holy. Peculiar to the Chapter though is the practice of scribing minute script onto weapons, armor, relics, and other Chapter artifacts; this writing is invisible to the naked human eye but legible to the enhanced vision of the Astartes. In this way, every user of the weapons and wargear leaves his mark on the Chapter, and any brother who uses these weapons will reflect often on the glory of their forebears.

Any relic or piece of wargear, when not in use, will be in the Chapter’s Armory, where they will rest until one judged worthy to use them bears them into battle. For basic weaponry, the judging is often quick and by necessity only requires the approval of a superior. But some of the Chapter’s treasured pieces require far more scrutiny- reliquaries, combi-weapons, and other rare pieces included.

The most holy weapons of the Chapter are from its origins. These were borne into battle by ancient heroes of the Chapter, perhaps the Lords Illumine themselves, and they are sacred beyond imagining. The full blessing of the Lords of the Chapter is required for their endowment to a battle brother, and they are only ever wielded by those of that hallowed circle.

Reaping of Baphomen: This is a force scythe wielded by the first Grand Librarian himself. It is passed down to each Chief Librarian in turn, and it is thought that its power has only increased since the founding of the Chapter.

Helionomicon: This book of knowledge, also belonging to Baphomen, contains wisdom on every subject from litanies to tactics to esoteric Warp-craft. As knowledge is power, so is the Chapter enlightened and all the more deadly for this ancient tome.

Malathion’s Hatred: The Crozius Arcanum wielded by Malathion himself takes the form of a dual battleaxe-head gilded with the Aquila, but unlike many Crozii, it takes the form of a flail rather than a staff or mace. It is passed down through the ages to whoever holds the office of Master of Sanctity.

Talons Furious: These were borne by Amitiel himself, and in the Chapter’s thousands of years of history they are said to have slain tens of millions of foes and more. A pair of lightning claws created by Master Artificer Alumien himself, they are sleeker and even more deadly than a normal pair of lightning claws, and have earned a fearsome reputation across the Maelstrom, where the vast majority of the Chapter’s foes are found. Each of the eighteen Masters in the Chapter’s history had a right to wield them, but many also have used weapons of their own.

But the Chapter has other relics as well, many nearly as holy. These are often assigned to a particular office.

Chalice of the Sacred Blood: This sacred artefact emulates the Red Grail of the Blood Angels, and is carried by the Sanguinary High Priest. Its gilt surface is heavily decorated and inlaid with rubies; the copies carried by the Sanguinary Priests are, however less ornate, still sacred to the Chapter and key to many rituals. It is carried forth in battle high, no blood to be spilled but onto the lips of the blessed brothers.

War-Horn of Bremen: Golden horn carried by Commander of the Watch. Based on a design old enough to be lost to antiquity and recreated hundreds of times, it is enhanced with sonic devices that broaden range, deepen sound, and increase volume.

Ritual Aegis: The sacred battle-armor worn by the Harbinger is a suit of white-gold artificer armor, sculpted in similar fashion to the form-imitative armor of the Honor Guard; it is trimmed in true gold and ruby. The helm takes the form of Sanguinius’ death-mask. The bearer of this armor also has access to a similarly ornate jump pack, Wings of the Herald, and war bike, Artaq, after an Altian legend about the horse Death rides.

Brother Onyxior and the Sixth’s Banner: The Banner of the Sixth Company was changed in M40 to an angel with a flail soaring, despite the ball and chain manacled to his feet and the massive book he bears with pride. This is in homage to Brother-Sergeant Onyxior, who bore a book with the name of each squad member he survived- no less than fifty-seven Battle Brothers had their names and deaths written in that tome, and each one bore down on Onyxior’s soul. Still he fought on until the Black Rage claimed him. He was locked in the Chamber of the Lost, deep in the Altius Rebirth, late in M40. His tome is carried still by the Reclusiarch of the 6th, and the honor that he showed his fallen brothers is held as an example to the Chapter.

The Band of Amitiel: This is perhaps the Chapter’s most revered artefact, carved by Amitiel himself after becoming Grand Master of the Chapter. The band itself is of black onyx, with a flat oval of white marble set into the front. The marble oval has two onyx bat wings, a golden halo, and a teardrop-shaped diamond chamber inlaid, iconic of the Angels Encarmine. Inside this diamond chamber is a single drop of the holiest substance to any Blood Angels Chapter- the blood of revered Sanguinius. It is to the deep sorrow and shame of the Chapter that this revered artefact was on Altius III when the planet was razed, and though they combed the planet, it was never found. A podium designed to hold it lies empty in the Chapter’s reliquary, but it seems the ring will never be seen by the Chapter again.

Tome of the Resting: This tome bears the name, in blood, of every Battle Brother who has given his life for the Emperor. It is carried by the Supreme Master of Sanctity, and on the Day of Wrath when the Emperor returns, the Chapter will be reunited with their fallen heroes after their long rest in the Altius of the afterlife. In the back is the Book of the Damned; every Brother of the Chapter who has turned from the Emperor’s light is, upon death, entered into this book in ink; rather than expunging their failures, the Chapter chooses to remember them and learn from their folly. These benighted souls will know only sorrow, darkness, and agony for all time.

The Harbinger

T
he Harbinger is the Chapter’s 1st Company Wrathbringer, or Champion. The first to bear this title, Brother Raxus, took the tradition of upholding the Chapter’s honor in combat with the enemy to a new level, expanding the role of the Wrathbringer.

When a Wrathbringer of the Angels Wrathful attains this hallowed position, he no longer is known by his mortal name, for to attain this rank he must be skilled beyond imagining and, it is said, completed the Harrowing- a series of feats and surpassed tests, unknown outside the Chapter Lords, that would destroy even most Astartes; an earthly name no longer suffices. The Harbinger is at the behest of the Lords of the Chapter only, and is occasionally sent out alone to commit honor killings and overt assassinations in which he blazes a path of destruction to his target; he also acts as the Chapter’s executioner. In battle he will often act alone, but has been known to lead brother Marines or even a squad of Wrathbringers into combat.

The Harbinger wears a suit of ornate power armor, the Ritual Aegis, into battle, and bears whatever weapons he chooses from the Forge (save the Talons Furious and the weapons of the Librarium) or his own weapons, improved and perfected by the Chapter’s Artificers. He also has access to a warbike, Artaq, and the Wings of the Herald jump pack.

EDIT: Polish.

Edited by Imperialis_Dominatus, 19 August 2009 - 01:52 PM.

This signature to remain blank as a mark of penance following my long exile, to be redeemed by the creation of worthwhile content and the reclamation of my good name.


#29
Imperialis_Dominatus

Imperialis_Dominatus

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Bump. Look, if I don't get some replies, I swear I'll post my excruciatingly detailed Chapter organization. The whole thing's long, I know, and a real chore to read- but trust me, it can get worse. Push me and I'll start posting stories. I swear to the Emperor!

...

;)

But no, really, some feedback on pretty much anything would be pretty cool. Even if you don't make it past the first paragraph- comment on that! Do it! Do it naow! Ged een theh choppa! :)

...okay. Step back, I_D. ;) Not enough sleep have you had. Just post this, and go to bed. Everything will be fine in the morning.

And if not, make good on your promise of dull Chapter rosters. :evil:

Yes, yes. *cackles gleefully* You have forty eight... no, that's boring... thirty-seven hours, ten minutes, and twelve seconds to comply... or else... *collapses in slumber after post button is hit*

This signature to remain blank as a mark of penance following my long exile, to be redeemed by the creation of worthwhile content and the reclamation of my good name.


#30
Mordray

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honestly I have nothing to comment on...

I don't have the grammar or spelling skills of others nor is my knowledge of 40k lore so great that I can see any flaws in your creation.

In all honesty I am disturbed by this chapter's dismissal of the Emperor's decree that he is no god. Are they so weak that they can not stand upon their own feet without some 'divine' being to aspire to? To me this chapter looks like a 'loyalist' Word Bearers chapter...

Too much about religion just agitates me.

17.jpg

*Due note that I'm a fan of the fluff, not the Table Top game.*


#31
Imperialis_Dominatus

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I don't have the grammar or spelling skills of others nor is my knowledge of 40k lore so great that I can see any flaws in your creation.


Well, that's good news I suppose. I did spend a lot of time on making it fit into 40k and I'm working on an English major. So I'd expect my grammar and canon-fit to be decent.

In all honesty I am disturbed by this chapter's dismissal of the Emperor's decree that he is no god. Are they so weak that they can not stand upon their own feet without some 'divine' being to aspire to? To me this chapter looks like a 'loyalist' Word Bearers chapter...

Too much about religion just agitates me.


True. While the vast majority of Space Marine Chapters are rather atheistic in their beliefs about the Emperor, some stand against the trend. This does put them in an odd light in dealing with other Space Marine Chapters (during the history before they were Excommunicated), but as with the Ecclesiarchy, they undoubtedly reached some impasse or compromise with them. Besides, in the thousands of years of history since the Great Crusade, many records have been lost or distorted; you don't see the Ultramarines trying to scream down the likes of Sebastian Thor or an Inquisitor about the 'Imperial Truth,' do you? :(

You could see religion that way. Though I must ask, are you referencing 40k's specific religions or is this your worldview? Because in the case of the former, there's a lot in 40k that should disturb. In the case of the latter... I definitely don't agree with some of the practices of the Imperium (or any faction, for that matter) in real life- genocide, intolerance, xenophobia, religious indoctrination, negligence, oppression, and occasionally terrible fashion sense (come on, Imperial Fists, yellow doesn't look that good). But I can't hold that worldview against the Imperium itself, because if it were to change, 40k just wouldn't be the same.

Neither would my Chapter. If they got mutations and such one day and didn't believe it was the divine intervention of the Emperor, they'd be a dead, dead Chapter. They'd be riven with doubt about their own purity and righteousness, and their enemies would tear them apart. This way, they are unified (after certain events I can't go into in my IA because a) the Imperium wouldn't know and b ) it'd be a massive spoiler for my stories).

Edited by Imperialis_Dominatus, 20 February 2009 - 12:11 PM.

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#32
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I personally am an anti-religious individual... for me most of religion is nothing more then a crutch built upon false hope and oppression.

That said I do like the 40k universe... well at least the Emperor got it right... everyone else just needs a serious kick in the rear...

It's because of their ability to chose their own beliefs that I enjoy marines so much... though freedom of choice is also a problem... but that is a rather slippery slope all it's own...

17.jpg

*Due note that I'm a fan of the fluff, not the Table Top game.*


#33
Imperialis_Dominatus

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I personally am an anti-religious individual... for me most of religion is nothing more then a crutch built upon false hope and oppression.


I see. Well, that's particularly true in the case of 40k.

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#34
Octavulg

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Ha! I AM VICTORIOUS!

Ahem...

* * *

(formerly Brotherhood of Wrath)


A name change is always a hit-and-miss idea. In this case, it would seem to add very little.

"You accuse me of heresy? You dare? Mutant, you call me; I am an avatar changed to His service. Witch, you accuse me; I am a medium for His wrath. Daemonancer, you spit: I am blessed by His presence. Traitor, you choke; I am guided by His ideals and not by my own falsity. Heretic, you croak... heretic, the insult that rings most hollow. The thought is laughable, for I am a son of the Emperor and Sanguinius. To doubt me is heresy. Do your worst, torturer, dungeon-dweller, corrupt; the Blessed Emperor is with me and I shall never falter."- attr. Heretic Reclusiarch De Molay, 314.M41


Might want to tighten it up a bit, like so:

"You dare accuse me of heresy? Mutant, you call me; I am an avatar changed to His service. Witch, you accuse me; I am a medium for His wrath. Sorceror, you spit: I am blessed by His presence. Traitor, you choke; I am guided by His ideals and not by my own falsity. Heretic, you croak... heretic, the insult that rings most hollow. I am a son of the Emperor and Sanguinius. To doubt me is heresy. Do your worst, torturer, dungeon-dweller: the Blessed Emperor is with me and I shall never falter."- attr. Heretic Reclusiarch De Molay, 314.M41

Keeps the spirit and import while eliminating a few of the words. Of course, I take a somewhat minimalist view toward things.

A member of the former Brotherhood of Wrath, Angels
Ascendant, and Angels Ascendant Death Company, respectively.
The Chapter formerly known as the Brotherhood of Wrath was formed in the 12th Founding of late M35 from the geneseed of the Angels Encarmine, a Second Founding Blood Angels Successor.


I always question color changes. Name changes are one thing, but changing the color scheme is changing something sacred (and quite possibly not theirs to change) - the Mentors were assigned the heraldry and number of a previous chapter. They'd be intentionally defacing a part of their heritage. Might be best to just keep the AA color scheme as the only scheme they've had.

Aso, why not Angels of Wrath? Just out of curiousity.

The Chapter's name was a joint choice by the officer cadre from the Angels Encarmine. Each was possessed of the same defining trait- anger, fury, rage. Amitiel was incensed that the foes of the Emperor dared encroach on His domain with the audacity they possessed at the time. Malathion had a vision of an Imperium forged ever stronger in war by champions whose furor was unending, and saw the Brotherhood as such. Even Baphomel, most seemingly even-tempered of the Illumine, was possessed of a slow-burning fury that often manifested itself through psychic holocausts; he believed such shared anger solidified bonds of brotherhood and provided for common enemies. They reached an accord, and the Brotherhood of Wrath was born.


You haven't explained what the term Illumine means. Psychic holocausts implies the elimination of millions of people, and might be better replaced with another term. Anger, fury, rage is either redundant or different traits, and either way the sentence needs to change. Chapter names are chosen through consultation with the Emperor's tarot and meditation. You also haven't explained the role of these men in the chapter. Since you never mention them again (with the exception of Malathion, who comes up once), this would be best generalized. Also, is their heritage as Angels Encarmine necessary? If not, leave it out.

Basically, go through. Ask "what do I need". Leave that. Cut everything else. Some exceptions can be made for coolness and for nostalgia, but generally, if it's an unimportant detail, it will distract the reader.

Something like: "The Chapter's name was chosen by its first leaders, each of whom was defined by his righteous fury at the enemies of the Emperor. They agreed that their marines would be guided, driven and bonded by their rage, and the Brotherhood of Wrath was born."

See? Same meaning, lot less space, lot less distraction.

The newly christened Chapter crusaded around the Maelstrom's edges for twenty bloody years, long enough for their forces to fight on two hundred worlds in nearly twice as many engagements, before they found a home world that immediately struck a chord with one of their senior cadre leaders.

The Brotherhood took the home world of Altius III at the behest of their Master of Sanctity, Malathion. The new Chapter vowed to protect the area from the predations of the denizens of the Maelstrom and spearhead assaults into that dangerous territory to claim new worlds for the Emperor- which, it must be noted, they accomplished on several occasions.


You could easily reduce this to: "The newly christened chapter crusaded around the Maelstrom's edges for twenty bloody years, fighting on two hundred worlds in nearly twice as many engagements, before taking the world of Altius III as their home. The new Chapter vowed to protect the area from the predations of the denizens of the Maelstrom and spearhead assaults into that dangerous territory to claim new worlds for the Emperor."

I'll stop doing this now, but the point is - shorter. In regard to chapter history, especially. Look at it this way - it lets you add more stuff of import, should you so choose.

You can be flowery, but don't add details that don't matter. The Illumine stuff really only needs mention in beliefs and the sidebar - so it might be best to keep it there. Hell, Malathion may be the only one who needs mention.

On the field of battle the Brotherhood was famed as any Astartes force inevitably is. True to the heritage of their parent Chapter, they kept the vast majority of their warriors on active duty. Their victories filled volumes, and their sparse defeats were bought at a terrible price for the foe. Even unforgiving Imperial histories and the sharp tongues of Inquisitors cannot expunge legends of the Brotherhood from the people of the planets they liberated from alien dominion and heretical endeavors


I'd take out 'the people', as it throws the sentence off-kilter. Liberated from heretical endeavors feels a little weird, and might be better as "heretical control" or "the grip of heresy". Otherwise, it's a wonderful paragraph. :P

Upon the Founding of the Chapter, unrest was rife in the Imperium. The shadows preceding the Age of Apostasy and the Plague of Unbelief were falling, though the true holocaust was centuries away. Though many among the Angels Encarmine desired, of course, to remain with their Chapter, there were other, more ambitious souls who craved the opportunity to lead a whole Chapter of Space Marines against the nascent threats rising against the Emperor’s true rule.


Ambition is a bad thing in a Chapter Master. Leads to heresy and all kinds of things like that.

Reclusiarch Malathion, of the 8th Company, was chosen to be the Chapter’s Master of Sanctity. He was the only survivor of a pilgrimage to Terra that was savaged by Dark Eldar; when rescued by the Angels Encarmine, he was grievously wounded with alien blood on his hands. He showed great promise, and quickly became a Chaplain, but his unflinching belief in the Emperor’s true divinity- alien to the norm among Space Marines- kept him from rising further in the ranks, his beliefs barely tolerated by the rest of the Reclusiam. Whether or not this also preceded his being requested to lead the new Chapter is in doubt, but he accepted the duty wholeheartedly, and several of the Marines in his Company chose to follow their apostle into the ranks of the new Chapter.


Leading a new chapter is a great honor, not an opportunity to get rid of the chapter members you don't like.

It might be better if he (and his) find their new beliefs en-route to the chapter. Explains how he could be chosen to mentor a new chapter and still believe something so at odds with the rest of the Angels Encarmine. Being chosen to mentor a chapter is an honorable post, and they don't choose mavericks for it.

Baphomen, Epistolary of the 3rd Company, was a wise and even-tempered warrior-mystic meant to add experience and a counterbalance to Malathion’s almost uncomfortably fervent devotion. He bore with him the Helionomicon, a book of wisdom the Angels Encarmine were, though sorrowful to see go, willing to see it empower a new generation.


The Helionomicon need not be mentioned, since it doesn't seem to matter again.

Thus was the Grand Master of the Brotherhood of Wrath chosen, and the other three the Chapter Masters below him.


What the hell does that mean? By definition you can't have more than one Chapter Master.

On the eve of vile Abaddon's 8th Black Crusade, a huge party of Violators rushed for Altius III. In vengeance for a humiliating defeat a half-millennium past, they razed the system, desecrating in that short week what had taken centuries to build. The vast majority of the Brotherhood of Wrath, away on duty as Chapter dictate demanded, was too far away to respond, and the garrison was overwhelmed by the tide of Chaotics. The valiant defense, composed mostly of non-enhanced Altii and Chapter Serfs, was shattered with contemptuous ease by the foul traitors.


Wouldn't they be Altians or Altianii? Altii would be the plural of the planet itself.

Also, valiant defenses don't generally get shattered with contemptuous ease. The two images are in conflict, a little.

A Chapter descended from the Brotherhood itself, the Lions of Causata, was obliterated in an ill-fated Crusade on the western fringes of the Maelstrom. An Imperial strike force, including a key contingent from the Brotherhood, was able to capture much of their resources from the Chaotics who had seen to the Lions’ destruction- the pride of which was the decimated Chapter’s Battle Barge, His Shining Blade, which, in defiance of the Navy, the Chapter took for their own by right of kinship and patronage from many influential allies.


The chapter being descended from the Brotherhood seems an improbable coincidence, even for 40K.

* * *

Interim skipped in the interests of finally providing you with feedback, and because if I tell you to tighten it up once more you may commit violence upon my person should we ever meet.

Basically, cut needless details. They distract. The writing can be tightened up, and thus should be. The writing's a little funny here and there, but overall one gets the sense you're trying too hard to be flowery. Don't be. Write naturally and simply - the effect will be much improved. This is long enough without excess details - remember, there is far less motivation to read this for some guy off the street than an official IA. Keep that in mind.

Word count = 6670. GW IAs are ~4000 odd. And, as I have mentioned on many occasions, they are inherently more interesting than our works of private fiction.

Also, I told you I'd find it. :D

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#35
Imperialis_Dominatus

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Oh boy...

As usual, all valid points, Octavulg. For brevity I only am responding directly to those issues I contest or otherwise feel the need to speak up on. First and foremost:

Might want to tighten it up a bit...(repeated ad infinitum :P)


I'll see what I can do. Basically, it's tug of war. My first IA had too much detail, so I shortened it up, and now it's creeped back to this length again. And part of me doesn't want to drop the stuff that needs to be dropped. You know how it is. But as the King (Stephen King, that is) said... kill your darlings. Always kill your darlings.

A name change is always a hit-and-miss idea. In this case, it would seem to add very little... (and later) I always question color changes. Name changes are one thing, but changing the color scheme is changing something sacred (and quite possibly not theirs to change) - the Mentors were assigned the heraldry and number of a previous chapter. They'd be intentionally defacing a part of their heritage. Might be best to just keep the AA color scheme as the only scheme they've had.


It's a tough one to lose. I see them commandeering Imperial forces (they're the Angels of Death, what Guard commander will say no?) who think they're loyal to the Imperium to accomplish the Chapter's own ends. This would be difficult if news of their Excommunication reaches the ears of those they're fighting alongside.

Of course, their new name and colors will eventually be known to the right people, but given:

a) the Chapter's spread-out style,
B) evasive nature and preference to operate on backwaters,
c) having their records expunged, and
d) the fact that their history of Excommunication lasts a relatively short span of time in 40k's history during a time when so many threats are converging on the Imperium at once

...this should be mitigated somewhat.

Aso, why not Angels of Wrath? Just out of curiousity.


I considered it and am considering it. But I hit on Angels Ascendant and stuck with it.

Psychic holocausts implies the elimination of millions of people, and might be better replaced with another term.


Indeed, although I counter that holocaust only implies that from an out-of-universe perspective. Grey Knights have a power called Holocaust (not trying to imply that Baphomen could cast it, but still). Its literal meaning is 'completely burnt' anyway. Something that many powerful psykers can and will do.

Though a different term might still be appropriate.

I'd take out 'the people', as it throws the sentence off-kilter. Liberated from heretical endeavors feels a little weird, and might be better as "heretical control" or "the grip of heresy". Otherwise, it's a wonderful paragraph. :)


Good, good. And thanks for the compliment. :)

Ambition is a bad thing in a Chapter Master. Leads to heresy and all kinds of things like that.



Kind of a thing with my Chapter, eh? Drive will drive you but where will it lead? I understand your point but ambition is not all bad. After all:

"There are those amongst our Ordo who say that I seek advancement for my own purposes, and they are correct. My purpose is to destroy the daemonic and if I must rise to command an entire sector to do so, then so be it. I am a servant of the Emperor and only those who consort with Warp-spawn need to fear my ambition."


Love that quote. :)

Leading a new chapter is a great honor, not an opportunity to get rid of the chapter members you don't like.

It might be better if he (and his) find their new beliefs en-route to the chapter. Explains how he could be chosen to mentor a new chapter and still believe something so at odds with the rest of the Angels Encarmine. Being chosen to mentor a chapter is an honorable post, and they don't choose mavericks for it.


Hmm. I've never read anything directly canon about it (that I remember) and got the general idea on a discussion about such postings over on Warseer. It seemed like a decent idea at the time. Oh, doesn't that sound familiar...

I will consider changing this but it's not one of the things I'm keen on changing.

The chapter being descended from the Brotherhood seems an improbable coincidence, even for 40K.


Then I was unclear. Didn't mean to imply coincidence. The Brotherhood would take special interest in a mission involving one of their Successors, don't you think? That was the idea, anyway.

Interim skipped in the interests of finally providing you with feedback, and because if I tell you to tighten it up once more you may commit violence upon my person should we ever meet.


Don't worry, the critiques you post are valid (especially about shortening it) and are not nearly as brutal as the ones in my head can be. No violence forthcoming. Just stay where you are while I pinpoint your locale and send you a present from my laser sat- er Happy Fun Time Delivery Service.

Edited by Imperialis_Dominatus, 19 March 2009 - 03:59 AM.

This signature to remain blank as a mark of penance following my long exile, to be redeemed by the creation of worthwhile content and the reclamation of my good name.


#36
Octavulg

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As usual, all valid points, Octavulg.


I also tell people what I think and pick at my nails in public. Truly, I am all that is worst of humanity... :P

I'll see what I can do. Basically, it's tug of war. My first IA had too much detail, so I shortened it up, and now it's creeped back to this length again. And part of me doesn't want to drop the stuff that needs to be dropped. You know how it is. But as the King (Stephen King, that is) said... kill your darlings. Always kill your darlings.


I know the feeling (look at how long the Ice Lords IA is. B)).

Convey the same information with less words. It makes you a better person. It's also fun to do with political philosophy, but that's beside the point. Get good at it, and you will seldom be misunderstood, since clarifying your thoughts will be easier.

It's a tough one to lose. I see them commandeering Imperial forces (they're the Angels of Death, what Guard commander will say no?) who think they're loyal to the Imperium to accomplish the Chapter's own ends. This would be difficult if news of their Excommunication reaches the ears of those they're fighting alongside.


There is no massive list of excommunicate chapters. If a Space Marine chapter shows up and demands assistance (or shows up to assist), no Guard Colonel demands credentials first. Maybe for long campaigns and such, but if they call themselves the Angels Ascendant no one's ever likely to figure it out. Sure, there colors are the same - but there's no organized list of THAT, either (probably - certainly not one Guard have access to).

Nothing really stops the Night Lords from dropping down on a world to fight off an Ork incursion, if they're so inclined. Or the Alpha Legion. Repaint their armor for a day, and no one would know.

cool.gif evasive nature and preference to operate on backwaters,


As an aside, getting into the habit of writing a ) b ) c ) instead of
a) b) c)
has served me well. :)

...this should be mitigated somewhat.


I just don't see it as necessary on a number of levels. You're not going to paint it, it doesn't signify anything, and it kinda makes less sense for them to use it on a few levels (as mentioned above). Plus, you can fight historical battles this way (if you actually have some painted).

I considered it and am considering it. But I hit on Angels Ascendant and stuck with it.


I believe I meant instead of Brotherhood of Wrath (it's been a while). Seems a bit more consistent, and gives more of a link between the two names.

Indeed, although I counter that holocaust only implies that from an out-of-universe perspective.


True, but that's not how we read. While the IA should be written from an in-universe perspective, the reading is almost always from an out-of-universe perspective. Fortunately, there's not usually too much tension between the two.

Though a different term might still be appropriate.


Hey, they're your decisions. If you swear to me that something is critical to the integrity of the work and its removal will hurt everything and make you cry, I'm hardly in a position to contradict you (I'll likely ask Sig for his thoughts, but that's about the extent of it).

Good, good. And thanks for the compliment. smile.gif


Hey. It was a wonderful paragraph. :)

Love that quote. yes.gif


Personally, I always got the impression Coteaz faked the evidence for the trial that brought him to power. I do not get the impression he is anything beyond ambition, paying lip service to the codes of the Imperium to serve his rise to power.

Hmm. I've never read anything directly canon about it (that I remember) and got the general idea on a discussion about such postings over on Warseer. It seemed like a decent idea at the time. Oh, doesn't that sound familiar...

I will consider changing this but it's not one of the things I'm keen on changing.


Indeed. The thoughts on how new chapters are lead are derived from the musings of Aurelius Rex. GW has kindly seen fit not to massively contradict this.

Really, it's a logical thing. Chapter is to be founded, and Chapter Q is to provide cadre. Chapter Q has the choice of the best young minds of their chapter for this great honor - they will send someone they see as worthy of this. This is unlikely to be someone who does not conform to their ideals.

So the question is - why would they choose him if his ideals differed. Two obvious explanations are either that his ideals differed in ways that didn't matter, or for some reason the Angels Encarmine felt it acceptable to send him elsewhere ("We recognize his abilities and merits, but they are not ours. Let him go elsewhere, and lead others in new ways to serve the Emperor." Or somesuch.)

Then I was unclear. Didn't mean to imply coincidence. The Brotherhood would take special interest in a mission involving one of their Successors, don't you think? That was the idea, anyway.


Ah. Fair enough.

Don't worry, the critiques you post are valid (especially about shortening it) and are not nearly as brutal as the ones in my head can be. No violence forthcoming. Just stay where you are while I pinpoint your locale and send you a present from my laser sat- er Happy Fun Time Delivery Service.


Ooooh. A package! For me!

It must be my birthday...

* * *

Oh, a point to remind you of (as all men forget it, myself included) - we can't read your mind, try not to forget to explain events. I haven't noticed it as a problem, but it's usually a pretty good warning. :)

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#37
Imperialis_Dominatus

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Convey the same information with less words. It makes you a better person. It's also fun to do with political philosophy, but that's beside the point. Get good at it, and you will seldom be misunderstood, since clarifying your thoughts will be easier.


Indeed.

There is no massive list of excommunicate chapters. If a Space Marine chapter shows up and demands assistance (or shows up to assist), no Guard Colonel demands credentials first. Maybe for long campaigns and such, but if they call themselves the Angels Ascendant no one's ever likely to figure it out. Sure, there colors are the same - but there's no organized list of THAT, either (probably - certainly not one Guard have access to).

Nothing really stops the Night Lords from dropping down on a world to fight off an Ork incursion, if they're so inclined. Or the Alpha Legion. Repaint their armor for a day, and no one would know.

...

I just don't see it as necessary on a number of levels. You're not going to paint it, it doesn't signify anything, and it kinda makes less sense for them to use it on a few levels (as mentioned above). Plus, you can fight historical battles this way (if you actually have some painted).


True, an Imperial Guard commander won't know, but these guys have the Inquisition (who nobody expects) after them. It seems to me that the vast network of communications most Inquisitors have would include rogue Chapters and they could put two and two together if they heard of an Imperial engagement with that Chapter on either side. Look at Eisenhorn- he has all his buddies to talk to, the communiques from the Ordo Xenos Helican, various other contacts and henchmen... word gets around when you cut out the Administratum middleman for information.

I believe I meant instead of Brotherhood of Wrath (it's been a while). Seems a bit more consistent, and gives more of a link between the two names.


Yeah, but Angels Ascendant, coupled with their mutations and 'daemons,' in addition to the fact that Astartes overall are known as Angels of Death, just seems to scream "THEY'RE ANGELS! ANGELS!" already. A theme overused is a dead theme, and I'm afraid I'm pushing it already.

True, but that's not how we read. While the IA should be written from an in-universe perspective, the reading is almost always from an out-of-universe perspective. Fortunately, there's not usually too much tension between the two.


I'll give you that- as much as I try to immerse myself in a story my real-world perceptions will affect things.

Personally, I always got the impression Coteaz faked the evidence for the trial that brought him to power. I do not get the impression he is anything beyond ambition, paying lip service to the codes of the Imperium to serve his rise to power.


Interesting theory!

Indeed. The thoughts on how new chapters are lead are derived from the musings of Aurelius Rex. GW has kindly seen fit not to massively contradict this.

Really, it's a logical thing. Chapter is to be founded, and Chapter Q is to provide cadre. Chapter Q has the choice of the best young minds of their chapter for this great honor - they will send someone they see as worthy of this. This is unlikely to be someone who does not conform to their ideals.

So the question is - why would they choose him if his ideals differed. Two obvious explanations are either that his ideals differed in ways that didn't matter, or for some reason the Angels Encarmine felt it acceptable to send him elsewhere ("We recognize his abilities and merits, but they are not ours. Let him go elsewhere, and lead others in new ways to serve the Emperor." Or somesuch.)


Ah. Well, I think the second idea would work best, since he is recognized as an awesome-but-eccentric Chaplain.

Oh, a point to remind you of (as all men forget it, myself included) - we can't read your mind, try not to forget to explain events. I haven't noticed it as a problem, but it's usually a pretty good warning. :)


Well, it was a problem with the Lions of Causata thing. I didn't really explain why they were there.

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#38
Octavulg

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True, an Imperial Guard commander won't know, but these guys have the Inquisition (who nobody expects) after them. It seems to me that the vast network of communications most Inquisitors have would include rogue Chapters and they could put two and two together if they heard of an Imperial engagement with that Chapter on either side. Look at Eisenhorn- he has all his buddies to talk to, the communiques from the Ordo Xenos Helican, various other contacts and henchmen... word gets around when you cut out the Administratum middleman for information.


True. But I didn't think that mattered - they're the Angels Ascendant after their excommunication, not before. So to an extent it doesn't matter - if they show up where an Inquisitor is, they're screwed in any case due to that same network of informants. If they don't, no one will know. So either way, they could keep their heraldry and avoid changing their scheme. Plus you get the nice duality of white and black between Death Company and the rest of the chapter.

Oh, a point about where the angels appear - a little more detail seems in order. As it is right now, you can almost miss it. That's not good for something so important.

Yeah, but Angels Ascendant, coupled with their mutations and 'daemons,' in addition to the fact that Astartes overall are known as Angels of Death, just seems to scream "THEY'RE ANGELS! ANGELS!" already. A theme overused is a dead theme, and I'm afraid I'm pushing it already.


That point came about when actual angels showed up to help them in battle. If anything, this would de-emphasize the theme. They were Angels before, and they're Angels after. Right now it's "LOOK! NOW THEY'RE ANGELS! ANGELS, I TELL YOU!". Change it to Angels of Wrath and it's "LOOK! THEY'VE ASCENDED! THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOU!".

It actually de-emphasizes the angelic thing, like I said. Plus, calling them Angels would actually be more likely - BA successors seem to be named Angels of Something with remarkable consistency.

I'll give you that- as much as I try to immerse myself in a story my real-world perceptions will affect things.


Yup. Read a novel about Ancient Greece, and you'll probably be left going "Uh...that ain't right" a few times - even though by their standards, it certainly was. Alternately, look at how many of the Roman nobility adopted their heirs - men who were usually perhaps ten years younger than them. It just doesn't make sense from a modern perspective - but it happened.

Interesting theory!


Well...look at how he rises. He assumes a position he has "long coveted" by killing the previous holder after a cross-examination where the previous holder apparently was found guilty. That, and the bit where people confess before the sand runs out - seems more to me like he's good at torture and doublespeak than he is actually dedicated.

"So, when did you first become a heretic?" is probably the opening question, and it just goes from there. :P

"Have you told your mother you're a heretic?"

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#39
Imperialis_Dominatus

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Got all the critiques you have written down, so I'll apply them to the IA soon.

True. But I didn't think that mattered - they're the Angels Ascendant after their excommunication, not before. So to an extent it doesn't matter - if they show up where an Inquisitor is, they're screwed in any case due to that same network of informants. If they don't, no one will know. So either way, they could keep their heraldry and avoid changing their scheme. Plus you get the nice duality of white and black between Death Company and the rest of the chapter.


Hmm. You know, you're starting to convince me.

Oh, a point about where the angels appear - a little more detail seems in order. As it is right now, you can almost miss it. That's not good for something so important.


:(

That isn't good at all. Need to fix that.

That point came about when actual angels showed up to help them in battle. If anything, this would de-emphasize the theme. They were Angels before, and they're Angels after. Right now it's "LOOK! NOW THEY'RE ANGELS! ANGELS, I TELL YOU!". Change it to Angels of Wrath and it's "LOOK! THEY'VE ASCENDED! THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOU!".

It actually de-emphasizes the angelic thing, like I said. Plus, calling them Angels would actually be more likely - BA successors seem to be named Angels of Something with remarkable consistency.


I gotcha. And the whole "THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOU!" would definitely fit...

"Have you told your mother you're a heretic?"


"No... er... oh bugger..."

*Coteaz starts doing the 'victory boogie,' which looks very odd in golden power armor*

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#40
Octavulg

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Hmm. You know, you're starting to convince me.


Good. :)

That isn't good at all. Need to fix that.


Indeed. I'd say it deserves a full paragraph, or even its own section (most IAs give massively important events their own section, which chronicles the lead-up to and a bit of the time afterward.

I gotcha. And the whole "THEY THINK THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOU!" would definitely fit...


They're like educated whales.

One warning - the Angels of Wrath are supposedly a DA successor chapter. But since that's from Citadel Journal, I wouldn't lose any sleep.

"No... er... oh bugger..."

*Coteaz starts doing the 'victory boogie,' which looks very odd in golden power armor*


"No, because I'm no-"
"Just yes or no answers, please."

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#41
Imperialis_Dominatus

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Alright. They never change their colors (though they adopt a golden wing). They go from the Angels Wrathful to the Angels Ascendant. Some things have been cleared up that were confusing, off, or easy to miss before. And... I managed to cut... erm... 120 words.

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#42
Ace Debonair

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Well, I've only read the up-to-date version.

I think it can be summarized as damn good. :P
It might be a bit long for some, but it had me hooked from start to finish.

But there are bits that refer to the "Brootherhood", which now has nothing to do with the name of your chapter.
Needless to say that's a bit confusing.

Also the side-stories about Malathion and the age of Apostasy seem to just cut-off, but that could just be my PC. :D
I couldn't spot any other faults, but I am still rather a novice at this whole thing.

#43
Imperialis_Dominatus

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Well, I've only read the up-to-date version.


Yeah, I just keep editing the original post.

I think it can be summarized as damn good. :P


Awesome, thank you. It's been the work of... like a couple years now.

It might be a bit long for some, but it had me hooked from start to finish.


Thank you. Good to hear not everyone wants me to tighten up (no offense Octavulg... and fitness trainer...).

But there are bits that refer to the "Brootherhood", which now has nothing to do with the name of your chapter.
Needless to say that's a bit confusing.


:cuss

Aaaaand that's why I need multiple people reading and commenting. In my head it all translates to 'my DIY Chapter.' Consider that fixed.

Also the side-stories about Malathion and the age of Apostasy seem to just cut-off, but that could just be my PC. :D


How do they seem cut-off? Is it a visual or word-flow problem?

I couldn't spot any other faults, but I am still rather a novice at this whole thing.


Nah, I'll just put that down to me being awesome. ;)

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#44
Ace Debonair

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Also the side-stories about Malathion and the age of Apostasy seem to just cut-off, but that could just be my PC. :D


How do they seem cut-off? Is it a visual or word-flow problem?


Visual. Malathion's box finishes with the words:
"them, would form the basis of the new chapter's"

And the other one finishes:
"of the Emperor's Wrath and Vandire's death are"

Oddly enough, the rest of the text shows up if you highlight the box. :D
This really might just be my pc. :o
Anyone else got the same problem?

#45
Imperialis_Dominatus

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Well, on my PC they show up alright, but I'd be curious to know if anyone else has the same problem or what might be causing it.

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#46
Ace Debonair

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Just me, it seems...

As you were, then.
No cause for alarm. :)

This is one of my favourite DIY traitor chapters so far.
I'm not much of a chaos fan so I naturally incline towards the 'misunderstood loyalist' angle myself, and this is a heck of a take on it.
I wonder... surely at one point one of them is bound to catch on... Could make a good side-story bit.
Hopefully one my PC sees fit to let me read. :P

#47
Imperialis_Dominatus

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This is one of my favourite DIY traitor chapters so far.
I'm not much of a chaos fan so I naturally incline towards the 'misunderstood loyalist' angle myself, and this is a heck of a take on it.


Yeah. I'd like to think I bridge the gap of 'loyal to the Emperor and the Imperium' and 'raargh kill all for teh Chaos!' The galaxy isn't a dichotomy of the two, after all.

I wonder... surely at one point one of them is bound to catch on... Could make a good side-story bit.
Hopefully one my PC sees fit to let me read. :Troops:


Side story? It's one of the big plot arcs! Of course, the character sees what he wants to see more than actually catching on...

Er.

Best keep mum. Wouldn't want to spoil anything.

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#48
Ace Debonair

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I wonder... surely at one point one of them is bound to catch on... Could make a good side-story bit.
Hopefully one my PC sees fit to let me read. ;)


Side story? It's one of the big plot arcs! Of course, the character sees what he wants to see more than actually catching on...

Best keep mum. Wouldn't want to spoil anything.



Oops, sorry. I didn't realise there was going to be more than just the IA for these guys.
As you were, then. ;)

#49
Imperialis_Dominatus

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I've updated the story of Malathion slightly after noticing an oversight that works in my favor.

Angels Encarmine are a Blood Angel Successor. Blood Angels Successors have to deal with the Black Rage and the Red Thirst. Their Chaplains are often preoccupied with this instead of the normal duties of the Chaplaincy. Ergo, Malathion's odd beliefs, though they set him at odds with the rest of the Chapter, didn't gain the spotlight very often. When he was assigned to the new Chapter, it turns out they suffer lower rates of the Black Rage and Red Thirst (though those who do are so bonkers they need to be chained down or killed instead of simply having their armor painted black). He and his disciples thus have more time to spend influencing the Chapter's doctrine. And so my Chapter believes in the godhood of the Emperor.

And if even this far down the line I can spot flaws, there may be some I haven't seen. That's where y'all come in. :Troops:

Oh, and there is far, far more coming for these guys Ace.

Edited by Imperialis_Dominatus, 25 August 2009 - 03:06 PM.

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#50
Shaolin_Monkey

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great work, i've often toyed with the idea of a DIY loyalist (kinda) chapter that consisted of the faithful believers of the Emperors godhood.
I like it all, but i feel that it leans towards suggesting that at least someone knew that it was never the emperor who began to offer guidance.
I think if you are banking on the chapter as a whole having such a firm belief in the big E's godhood then the thought that part of the upper heirarchy deliberately turned to chaos is a bit iffy - maybe its just me though.
Otherwise love the fluff, its inspired me to actually geta round to making a loyallist winged daemon prince




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