Jump to content

Welcome to The Bolter and Chainsword
Register now to gain access to all of our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to create topics, post replies to existing threads, give reputation to your fellow members, get your own private messenger, post status updates, manage your profile and so much more. If you already have an account, login here - otherwise create an account for free today!
Photo

Index Traitoris: Angels Ascendant


  • Please log in to reply
59 replies to this topic

#51
Imperialis_Dominatus

Imperialis_Dominatus

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 1,674 posts
  • Location:Alaska
  • Faction: Many and Various

great work, i've often toyed with the idea of a DIY loyalist (kinda) chapter that consisted of the faithful believers of the Emperors godhood.


Thank you! It's been a long process thus far, and there is still much to do.

Let me know if you ever go for that, I'd love to help with the article. The Liber in general are great at it.

I like it all, but i feel that it leans towards suggesting that at least someone knew that it was never the emperor who began to offer guidance.
I think if you are banking on the chapter as a whole having such a firm belief in the big E's godhood then the thought that part of the upper heirarchy deliberately turned to chaos is a bit iffy - maybe its just me though.


May I ask how so? I didn't try to make Algamar anything more than most-likely-deluded.

Otherwise love the fluff, its inspired me to actually geta round to making a loyallist winged daemon prince


Sweet! May I suggest the Artemis model?

This signature to remain blank as a mark of penance following my long exile, to be redeemed by the creation of worthwhile content and the reclamation of my good name.


#52
Imperialis_Dominatus

Imperialis_Dominatus

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 1,674 posts
  • Location:Alaska
  • Faction: Many and Various
Updated. Changed the main Battle-Barge's name. Shortened bits in the main IA as much as I feel I can without taking away from it. Comments would be great, especially if the other material I've come up with in the past three pages seems way out of whack.

This signature to remain blank as a mark of penance following my long exile, to be redeemed by the creation of worthwhile content and the reclamation of my good name.


#53
Imperialis_Dominatus

Imperialis_Dominatus

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 1,674 posts
  • Location:Alaska
  • Faction: Many and Various
And another pretty substantial edit in that I have switched the Holy Order of Origins-History-Home World to Origins-Home World-History. I think it lets the article flow better.

This signature to remain blank as a mark of penance following my long exile, to be redeemed by the creation of worthwhile content and the reclamation of my good name.


#54
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts
  • Location:Thompson, MB, Canada
I've read it over. There's a problem. It's a little dull (sorry). It takes a long time to get the plot to where it's going, and once we get there it's kind of an anti-climax - and we swiftly move past that into a lot of explanation of the way things are now and battles with the Inquisition.

I'm honestly not entirely sure whether it's me or the IA. I think tightening things up and changing the focus a little might help - right now, we don't move through the story trying to see what happens next. Improving that would help a lot.

The problem is, I think, that you spend more time talking about the events leading up to their fall then their fall and its consequences. I think you could introduce the status quo more simply, upset it more quickly, and then explore the consequences of that more fully.

I'd actually recommend considering not having them yet be traitors - have them just have manifestations of Angels. Mention the Inquisitorial debates etc in regard to their problems. Maybe put whasisname in a sidebar and explain how he may take matters into his own hands. It'd give you back some tension and mystery (even though the answer to the question "what'll happen to this Chapter" will be pretty obvious. A Chapter which might fall is intrinsically more interesting than one which did.

Anyway, more specific advice is below:

* * *

"You accuse me of heresy? You dare? Mutant, you call me; I am an avatar changed to His service. Traitor, you choke; I am guided by His ideals and not by my own falsity. Heretic, you croak... heretic, the insult that rings most hollow. The thought is laughable, for I am a son of the Emperor and Sanguinius. To doubt me is heresy. Do your worst, torturer, dungeon-dweller, corrupt; the Blessed Emperor is with me and I shall never falter."- attr. Heretic Reclusiarch De Molay, 914.M41


This quote makes very little sense in light of the fact that they no longer really deal with the Inquisition before running off into exile.

Also, De Molay? Subtle...:P

The Chapter formerly known as the Angels Wrathful was formed in the 12th Founding of late M35 from the geneseed of the Angels Encarmine. Through the Emperor’s Tarot and periods of meditation, their name and heraldry were chosen. White was to represent purity of body and soul; red for the blood shed in brotherhood; golden yellow to represent the glory of Him on Earth and the realm of His subjects. Finally, a roaring lion’s head became the Chapter’s symbol, to represent their ferocity and nobility.


I'd recommend Angels of Wrath over Angels Wrathful. More euphonious.

Chapter heraldry is assigned, not chosen by the Chapter.

By the 12th Founding I would have expected them to move away from the Blood Angels' geneseed - they were trying to fix it in the Cursed Founding, so I'd expect them to be winding down its use even earlier.

The newly christened Chapter crusaded around the Maelstrom's edges for twenty bloody years, long enough for their forces to fight on two hundred worlds in nearly twice as many engagements, before they found a home world that immediately struck a chord with one of their senior cadre leaders; Malathion, the Angels’ first Master of Sanctity, saw Altius III and its people as the “wellspring of a resurgence against the Darkness.” The new Chapter vowed to protect the planet and surrounding sectors from the predations of the denizens of the Maelstrom and spearhead assaults into that dangerous territory to claim new worlds for the Emperor-, which, it must be noted, they accomplished on several occasions.


What was it that made Malathion feel this way?

On the field of battle the Chapter was famed as any Astartes force inevitably is. True to the heritage of their parent Chapter, they kept the vast majority of their warriors on active duty. Their victories filled volumes, and their sparse defeats were bought at a terrible price for the foe. Even unforgiving Imperial histories and the sharp tongues of Inquisitors cannot expunge legends of the Angels Wrathful from the people of the planets they liberated from alien and heretical dominion.

As with any successor of the Blood Angels, however, some spoke darkly of them and their flaws. They were ferociously intent on getting to grips with the enemy, and many Guardsmen were horrified to fight beside them for fear that, instead of tearing the enemy limb from limb, they might be the victims of the Chapter’s bloodlust.


Comment on whole previous section:

I'm not sure this is the best way to lead into the Chapter. Especially coupled with the Home World section immediately after it. We complete one journey, and start another almost immediately. At minimum, this journey should be longer, but I don't think that's a good idea.

Start, I think, with the Violators destruction of their home world. Perhaps something like:

"The Angels Ascendant were born in hate and desperation. When the rogue Space Marines known as the Violators destroyed the Angels' home world of Altius III in the wake of the Eighth Black Crusade, the chapter then known as the Angels of Wrath swore vows of vengeance and annihilation."

Then follow all that up with the details of their hunts for the Violators and the depths they resort to - explain whasisname and their beliefs in Imperial divinity in a sidebar. I think it might be best if their beliefs in Imperial divinity developed through desperation rather than Single Charismatic Figure. They reach out to the Emperor, and the Emperor reaches back.

In medias res is a good choice here, I think. Screw what came before - it doesn't matter in this case. It exists only to change.

Home World


This mostly distracts, I'd recommend cutting it.

Malathion, first Master of Sanctity


I'd recommend their beliefs come from desperation, rather than from Malathion. Or from the Chaplains as a whole. Like I said - Single Charismatic Figure is weak. And overdone to death in ITs. If you don't remove him entirely, you could have him be a recent recruit with the same history, and in the desperation they start listening to him. It'd suit a little better, I'm thinking.

A Chapter descended from the Angels Wrathful themselves, the Lions of Ajax, was obliterated in an ill-fated feud with the Chaos Lord Zebulon Hellshrike. A strike force led by a contingent of the Angels Wrathful, intent on avenging their Successors, was able to capture much of their resources from the Chaotics who had seen to the Lions’ destruction- the pride of which was the decimated Chapter’s Battle Barge, His Shining Blade, which, in defiance of the Navy, the Chapter took for their own by right of kinship and patronage from many influential allies.


I can't buy more BA Chapters. It's a minor niggle, but dammit, they don't make them.

With a fleet to suit their needs, the Angels Wrathful fought across the galaxy, gaining new recruits for the Chapter and establishing numerous Keeps watched over by a small staff of officers and serfs. These Keeps would oversee the recruitment and creation of the Chapter’s Neophytes, and send them to the Rebirth for further training.

In this way the Chapter dealt out the Emperor’s wrath, striking fear into the hearts of the scum that inhabits the Maelstrom. Despite the blows fate had dealt them, they rose with greater furor than ever before. The area around the Maelstrom saw a noticeable improvement under their fury.

But there is a dark secret to the success of the Angels Wrathful. After the death of Altius III, every ounce of energy the Chapter possessed, every string they could pull, every tie they could use was exerted towards the destruction of the Violators and the gaining of power to slaughter the Emperor’s foes. Every hint at a chance for vengeance was seized upon, even those beyond the understanding of mortals.


Tighten the whole "Destruction" section up. It could be shorter, and clearer, and thus it should be.

The Ascension


Same goes for this section.

The Age of Apostasy (287.M36)


Excise it. Removes focus.

in two waves: the first wave of swift Astartes and Sororitas and other Ordo forces, and a second wave of the slightly more ponderous Imperial Guard; following this, a strike force was to attack their ships via teleport. For whatever reason, the Imperial Guard did not move to attack the Chapter; indeed, a small force defected to support the Angels Wrathful themselves. The assaulting forces, therefore, gave their lives but did not accomplish their task, despite decimating the Fifth Company down to its Wrathbringer, or Company Champion, and taking a heavy toll on the three other present Companies. The surviving Astartes were able to regroup in orbit above the planet, where the Battle Barge His Shining Blade and Rapid Strike Cruiser Lux Conquistas had been waiting in reserve.


Oh, good, they were saved by a deus ex machina. ;)

Too much detail. And their escape seems too implausible. Have them just escape before he can assemble a strike force, or have them put on trial. Just don't have them win because 'something happened'. Give 'em a trial, have 'em lose, have the fleet escape in the meantime. Gives you more Templar parallels, among other things.

Combat Doctrine


Too long. Shorten and tighten.

Given their hunted nature and often-unsupported operations, it is unsurprising that the Chapter's brothers appear ready for anything. They go into battle armed with grenades, bolt pistols and rifles, and all manner of hand-to-hand weapons. The fluidity of organization within the Chapter is astounding- squads of Astartes are normally tight-knit bands of brothers who have decades of experience alongside each other, but the Chapter's warriors seem able to assess casualties and amalgamate squads for peak efficiency without hesitation or doubt.

Heavy weapons, while more man-portable to Astartes than to Imperial Guard, are rarely used as the bulk and required ammunition for the weapons would slow the Space Marines down, and comparable anti-tank or infantry capability can be found in special weaponry. Heavy armor is rarely deployed, even the swift vehicles of the Astartes adapted with Lucifer engines unable to keep up with the Chapter’s relentless advance; excepting Vindicators and Baal Predators, which epitomize close support, standard Astartes vehicles are never seen alongside their forces. Perhaps even more rarely fielded are the Chapter’s Land Raiders, for the engagements in which a Lord of the Chapter would risk losing such hallowed vehicles are few and far between.


This seems especially unnecessary.

Organization


Ditto. Shorten. Tighten. Etc. Less unnecessary stuff, but still could be tighter.

Pict-record from Saria IV incident


:)

In addition, since the heresy of the Ascension, the Chapter has often seen aid from beings of the Warp. These creatures do not take the form of the obscene and horrifyingly unnatural beasts normally associated with the Empyrean; they instead appear as angels akin to those of myth, with silvery wings and blades of fire. These creatures, however, are of the Warp; all such denizens of Chaos' realm are craven and bloodthirsty.


Didn't you just explain this at the end of the last section?

Beliefs


Again, shorten and tighten.

”Tome of the Resting,” from Index Astartes: Angels Wrathful, a most secret report to the Office of Tithes and Titles by Maximus Pliny


The IA series is of uncertain place in-universe - remember that it tells us all about the Fallen.

My own impression is that they're in the Black Library.

I'd also argue that this is unneccessary.

* * *

Anyway. Like I said. Tighten it, etc. Etc.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#55
Imperialis_Dominatus

Imperialis_Dominatus

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 1,674 posts
  • Location:Alaska
  • Faction: Many and Various
Well, you did get around to it. Thank you.

I've copypasta'd everything I intend to take to heart into my notepad here. I particularly find the idea of going into them in media res intriguing, would cut down on a lot of baggage from their pre-Ascension state. It's pretty much two IAs in one.

What follows is what I feel the need to reply to rather than using to change the IA.

This quote makes very little sense in light of the fact that they no longer really deal with the Inquisition before running off into exile.


I see. It's not meant to 'dealing' with the Inquisition so much as them torturing him as is their primary information gathering technique (and fetish). It's his Big Damn Heroic Monologue before everything fades to black with the giggles of the torturer accompanying the beginning of the credits.

Also, De Molay? Subtle...:P


Yeah. Sure was. :P Might change his name to something a little more derived, but the influence will stay.

I'd recommend Angels of Wrath over Angels Wrathful. More euphonious.


I kinda prefer the Angels Adjective changing to the Angels Adjective, if plot demands a change. But I see your point.

By the 12th Founding I would have expected them to move away from the Blood Angels' geneseed - they were trying to fix it in the Cursed Founding, so I'd expect them to be winding down its use even earlier.



Cursed Founding was 21st, and the 36th millennium apparently included a lot of Foundings- lots of time for a few 'last shots' at using their geneseed. But I see your point.

I'd recommend their beliefs come from desperation, rather than from Malathion. Or from the Chaplains as a whole. Like I said - Single Charismatic Figure is weak. And overdone to death in ITs. If you don't remove him entirely, you could have him be a recent recruit with the same history, and in the desperation they start listening to him. It'd suit a little better, I'm thinking.



Their beliefs are rather intrinsic in the themes I want to use. From their early status as oddballs to their befriending of the Thorians to the very appearance of the reason for their Excommunication. It has to be there for this to work. I suppose Malathion being the sole vehicle for this is part of the problem.

I can't buy more BA Chapters. It's a minor niggle, but dammit, they don't make them.


If it's any consolation this Chapter won't have been made much longer after the Angels Wrathful themselves in the revision of their own IA. Though I know it's not much of a consolation given your views of it.

Oh, good, they were saved by a deus ex machina. ;)

Too much detail.


Indeed. It's either too much detail or not enough. See, in the novel version of this it's perfectly well explained due to the events of the Campaign they were involved in (which I'm not going to detail), and does not appear as a deus ex machina. But here I can't go into that sort of detail, so it appears so. So I'll summarize that bit a lot more.

Pict-record from Saria IV incident


:lol:


It was a good movie, okay?

This signature to remain blank as a mark of penance following my long exile, to be redeemed by the creation of worthwhile content and the reclamation of my good name.


#56
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts
  • Location:Thompson, MB, Canada

I see. It's not meant to 'dealing' with the Inquisition so much as them torturing him as is their primary information gathering technique (and fetish). It's his Big Damn Heroic Monologue before everything fades to black with the giggles of the torturer accompanying the beginning of the credits.


I figured it might be such, but it's still a little...disconnected from the rest of the proceedings.

Yeah. Sure was. tongue.gif Might change his name to something a little more derived, but the influence will stay.


They're fun for influences, those Templars.

Their beliefs are rather intrinsic in the themes I want to use. From their early status as oddballs to their befriending of the Thorians to the very appearance of the reason for their Excommunication. It has to be there for this to work. I suppose Malathion being the sole vehicle for this is part of the problem.


Ah, but the story of the Chapter isn't about their founding. It's about them dealing with the loss of their home world, and the depths to which they sink.

So begin at the beginning - when they lose their home world. Some people (including myself) might tell you that you should establish the normalcy before shattering it, but the establishment of normalcy doesn't need to be anything more than, say, a particularly good quote about the beauty etc. of the home world at the start of the IA.

If it's any consolation this Chapter won't have been made much longer after the Angels Wrathful themselves in the revision of their own IA. Though I know it's not much of a consolation given your views of it.


I'm just not sure it's entirely necessary. On either count. <_<

Indeed. It's either too much detail or not enough. See, in the novel version of this it's perfectly well explained due to the events of the Campaign they were involved in (which I'm not going to detail), and does not appear as a deus ex machina. But here I can't go into that sort of detail, so it appears so. So I'll summarize that bit a lot more.


Probably best.

Though I'd recommend having the Inquisitor and his marshalling armies be a good old Sword of Damocles.

It was a good movie, okay?


Though we shall fight valiantly, it is truly said that our presence here was not requested on this most auspicious of days. - Dante of the Blood Angels

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#57
Imperialis_Dominatus

Imperialis_Dominatus

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 1,674 posts
  • Location:Alaska
  • Faction: Many and Various
Had a couple things floating around on my computer. Which I recently resurrected. Have come to a couple conclusions.

One. I will make a huge revision to this project's IA that will throw a large amount of unposted work into disarray... but I will do it later.

Two. I don't like painting white. It's fiddly as all get-out. I would like a new color scheme, and I think Octavulg would appreciate that as well. I am considering purple and orange as base colors, as according to the Gospel Octavulg they are under-used.


Three. Think I'm going to split this into a previous loyalist IA and a post Excommunication IT. For it is long.

Some new material. Something a Chaplain would lead his brothers in during battle or before torching and eating large amounts of meat.

Catechism of Seven

W
e give praise to Him on Earth-

For the greatest sacrifice
And our undying charge

We pray for His vigilance-

To watch over us in war
And see our weapons strike true.

We draw from Him our great strength-

Both the strength of our bodies
And the greater of our souls.

To Him we give our glory-

Though others glorify us
There is none without Him.

Let Him grant us His hatred-

Tis more fuel to us than food
And a friend in dark places.

And we say, let there be death-

To fools who make us their foes
And brethren who have earned rest.

May His light shine eternal-

As a beacon to the faithful
And a pyre for the damned.

Canticle of Xenocide

L
ook not upon the Alien!

There will be little left to see when our task is done.

Listen not unto the Alien!

We will be deafened by the howls of our guns.

Speak not unto the alien!

What need have we of words while the bolter speaks?

Edited by Imperialis_Dominatus, 21 October 2010 - 08:06 AM.

This signature to remain blank as a mark of penance following my long exile, to be redeemed by the creation of worthwhile content and the reclamation of my good name.


#58
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts
  • Location:Thompson, MB, Canada

Two. I don't like painting white. It's fiddly as all get-out. I would like a new color scheme, and I think Octavulg would appreciate that as well. I am considering purple and orange as base colors, as according to the Gospel Octavulg they are under-used.


Dear lord, man. Just because they're underused doesn't mean they'll look good together.

The Canticle of Xenocide is awesome, BTW.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#59
Imperialis_Dominatus

Imperialis_Dominatus

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 1,674 posts
  • Location:Alaska
  • Faction: Many and Various

Dear lord, man. Just because they're underused doesn't mean they'll look good together.


Oh ye mighty Gods, no. I didn't mean that at all. :) I was considering one or the other, and leaning towards purple. But my Chapter's similar enough to Soul Drinkers already, and throw in some Blood Angel chalice images... ugh, might have to stick with orange. I don't want to be associated with the taint...

The Canticle of Xenocide is awesome, BTW.


Thank you.

This signature to remain blank as a mark of penance following my long exile, to be redeemed by the creation of worthwhile content and the reclamation of my good name.


#60
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts
  • Location:Thompson, MB, Canada
You'd be taking purple back for the cause of righteousness. Or somesuch.

Just avoid gold. Like the plague. White accents can work OK with purple. Red and blue look weird, yellow's fiddly, green just hurts, brown's clearly out of the question...

How about orange!? :)

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users