Luy22 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Index Astartes The Blazing Kitsunes http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/298185_10150347478811800_617466799_9824807_6437798_n.jpg Origins There was a section of space, the Tyloo subsector, facing an invasion by the Tau Empire in the 38th Millennium. Captain Suhk of the White Scars was sent to fend off the area. While they were successful, the system was now left undefended. The High Lords of Terra then created the Blazing Kitsunes Chapter, and made Suhk the first Chapter Master. From there the Chapter has prospered. Home World Their homeworld of Talko Prime is a beautiful one. It is covered in forests with massive trees, jungles, and bamboo forests that offworlders could easily get lost in. There are several cities, including the capitol that has a spaceport. The people on the Western continent are all civilized, but, beyond the bamboo forests, on the eastern continent, it is a different story. The eastern continent is full of barbarian tribes, from which the Kitsunes recruit from. There is a southern continent, but it is very dangerous, full of monstrous carnivores. Only one barbarian has mapped out the area and only his tribe, and the Blazing Kitsunes know their way around the island. Combat Doctrine They follow the codex to the book. Organization They are organized into 9 tribes, the nine tails of the Kitsune. The 9th is a council of librarians, chaplains, commanders and captains, and the Chapter Master. The 1st is made up of neophytes. The rest are armor, assault marines, tactical marines, devastators, etc. Beliefs Growing up in the feral tribes of the planet, the barbarians which make up most of the present-day Chapter have their own beliefs. They worship foxes and wolves as spirits, and were told that the local star of Talko was the eye of their god, the Golden Fox, was looking down upon them. Of course, after initiation into the chapter, they now believe the star is actually the eye of the Emperor of man. Recruitment A group of marines goes to different tribes within the jungles of the eastern continent and takes the young men they deem worthy to join the chapter. From here, they are sent off to the southern continent, to slay a mighty beast and bring back its head as proof. Only then are they allowed into the chapter as battle brothers. There is no way out of this. If they cannot bring back a trophy eventually, they will be left at the island to survive and fight for their life. Gene-seed White Scars Battle-cry "Kill them all! For Talko, for the Eye, kill them all!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StratoKhan Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Just moving this to Liber so you can get the appropriate feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Achaiah Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 :( Whoa, that's a wall of text if I ever did one. Don't worry I did read it and I quite enjoyed the great detail you described for your Chapter. The idea is original in its own right. However, a little niggle in the IA itself rather the Chapter. The IA slowly deviates away from describing the Blazing Kitsunes and how it works and starts to go into the local flora and fauna, the climate, etc. Don't get me wrong I liked reading it but it was quite pointless for IA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Race Bannon Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 Woah ... talk about detail!!! I'm going to have to print this out to finish reading it ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luy22 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 Well, it was originally made early this year. I got bored a lot, so I just kept adding more and more onto it... And... Viola... :huh: sorry if it hurt your eyes, guys. ;) I'd love to make a website for em... but I honestly dunno how... -.- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I think the best way to show this would be in serious over-exaggeration. HELP ME! HELP ME! I'M DROWNING! :P Now that I have got that out of the way, I'll try to read all this, although I might get lost :) :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luy22 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 I think the best way to show this would be in serious over-exaggeration. HELP ME! HELP ME! I'M DROWNING! :P Now that I have got that out of the way, I'll try to read all this, although I might get lost :P ;) *gives you a rope covered in Imperial symbols* :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 *gives you a rope covered in Imperial symbols* rolleyes.gif (gasping) Cheers :P OK, finally got through. First things first, reorganise it so it looks like an IA. Second get rid of whatever details you have in here that are not necessary; any details that you can shorten down please do. On to the minor things, I've noticed a good influence of Japanese in here. Some of the names I think you shouldn't have, like "Lol". I'm sure someone will think LOL rather than Lol. Apart from that I think it's alright :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Race Bannon Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I still couldn't finish this over lunch :P By the way ... where did you get the planet images? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luy22 Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 Google search. I've edited it to make it look more IA-y. Buuut after much headaches, I refuse to go back and edit it anymore. :P the headings and what-not kept getting deleted with each edit and... pissed me off... :D I hope ya'll like... ... Now I need to find out how to make a nice website... >.> ...C&C appreciated! ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Ah. An IA of size, with some skill, and yet flawed. How delicious. uring the Great Crusade, the unknown company made landfall and did battle with it's inhabitants, the Krak civilizations. A ) Some stuff from the first appears to be missing. B ) Space Marine chapters do not split off from Legions/chapters! They are founded at traditionally organized foundings. Read the DIY guide at the top of the Liber Astartes forum. Then read it again. Read the bit I did three times. :) They were completely leveled. Then just as the Heresy came to an end, great warp storms blocked Talko Prime from the rest of the galaxy. Deus ex machina in 3...2...1...a warp storm! By the Emperor! On the planet, the marines were being driven mad by this. They came to accept the Great Kitsune as their god, which is what the Krak worshiped. They changed the color of their armor. They made up their villages in the mountains within Grol. After one millennium, the storms cleared, and the Imperial colonists found that the marines on the planet were highly feral, adorning their painted armor with great bushy tails and skulls. After one year of conflict with the Imperial Guard, both the Krak tribes and the Space Marines had accepted the God-Emperor as their leader. Millenniums passed. The Chaos marines attacked, and were fought off. Huh? A group of marines turn to a heretical power and then are allowed back into the fold of the Imperium? After flat-out fighting with the Imperium? Leaving aside the supply issues inherent with a millenium of isolation? And then use that heretical power's name in the name of their chapter? Are you barking mad? (Oh yes. I intended that horrible, horrible pun. Fear me.) Finally, he will employ a Tea Ceremony with his Brothers (typically a superior, such as Sergeant or Captain, and a Tech-Sage). .......... There's such a thing as subtlety. When borrowing from cultures for an IA, it is very important to be subtle. Tea ceremonies are not subtle. Well, they are, but their prescence is not. Unlike most Chapters, the Kitsune Chaplains have the duty of teaching the Kitsunes to excel in the rituals of the Chapter, such as the tea ceremony. You will make tea BETTER! BETTER, I TELL YOU! THE EMPEROR WILL JUDGE THIS TEA, AND SHOULD IT NEED LEMON, IT SHALL GO HARD WITH YOU! Some have attributed this to the Chaplain being the head of ceremonies in the chapter. Gee. Do you think? They teach people rituals because they're in charge of rituals... It's crushingly obvious. Delete this bit. They do however, have a friendship of sorts with the tribe of 'Tail of faith' as their zealousness and the "Faith tribe" comes hand-in-hand. Thus it is common that they are seen with the tribe of "Tail of Faith". Logically, all the tails would be seen together on a not-irregular basis. What with the way the chapter would have great difficulty functioning considering the specialized roles of some of them. Tail of StrengthThe members of this tribe are the strongest and the hardiest of the tribes. However, their behavior are more or less the amalgam of all the other tribes. You ran out of ideas, didn't you? Perhaps they serve as the strong core of any offensive, holding lines and doing all that stuff? to the fighting forces of the valient Imperial Guard from faraway worlds, and to the mercenaries and bounty hunters wanting to fight for money. Marine inductees range from about ten to about fourteen. Thus, Guardsmen, mercenaries and bounty hunters are rather unsuitable. There are several cities, and many different continents, alas, there was an uprising of the barbarian tribes, which forced the Imperials to evacuate, yet they keep a close-eye on the Space Marines... Er...Space Marines are supposed to be Imperials... If the Kitsunes are independent, they would have been annihilated by now. Notable Characters Delete this section. It's honestly not that important. * * * You need to work on your spelling and grammar somewhat, and I fear the chapter's origin and history hold deep, deep flaws. The structure and such is interesting, if a little odd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigismund Himself Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 If you have have issues with coding changing when you edit it, keep a copy of the coding just before you click the Edit button to finish an edit. Then just paste it once you need to edit it again. A couple of things. It's better to spread the SM painter images around the article rather than have them in one place. The traitorous Marines that fled alongside the forces of the ruinous powers were marked down as the Hentai Legion. Please don't... Good to see you again Octavulg :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OwenCrute Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Yes, the hentai legion made me choke just a tad. Seriously, change the name, or people will either think it's a joke, or think it was just a strange excuse to get the word 'hentai' in there. Yes, I am aware that 'hentai' actually means 'pervert'. I am also aware that in 'English', 'Hentai' generally means animated 'pornography'... ^^^ that was just to head off a potential rebuttal. some potential here, but you've gone overboard. Tone it down, matey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Yes, the hentai legion made me choke just a tad. Seriously, change the name, or people will either think it's a joke, or think it was just a strange excuse to get the word 'hentai' in there. Yes, I am aware that 'hentai' actually means 'pervert'. I am also aware that in 'English', 'Hentai' generally means animated 'pornography'... ^^^ that was just to head off a potential rebuttal. some potential here, but you've gone overboard. Tone it down, matey. Really that made me cringe :) So dude, ditch it before someone gets sick. And yay Octy's back!! Let the IA shredding continue!! :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luy22 Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Edited a lot of the stuff... More to be edited later, once I figure out how to deal with it. Originally, this chapter was made with the help of two others on Tau Online, who had provided the tea ceremony and nine tail bits... Early morning, I'll have something done later on though. XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TyrantKaiser Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 They are a successor chapter of the Space Wolves, and are of the latest founding. Er, I don't want to rain on your parade, but I'm pretty sure that the only Space Wolves successors were the Wolf Brothers and they failed miserably... :D How come nobody else picked up on that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luy22 Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Oyyy... I'll edit it all up later. I need a nap (I haven't been feeling too good as of late...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 Er, I don't want to rain on your parade, but I'm pretty sure that the only Space Wolves successors were the Wolf Brothers and they failed miserably... pinch.gif How come nobody else picked up on that? You're dead right, and nobody picked up on that because he just edited it in. * * * They are a successor chapter of the Space Wolves, and are of the latest founding. The Space Wolves have no successors, due to the instability of their geneseed. The chapter known as the Blazing Kitsunes are unique that each one of them have a mutation that cause their fangs to grow longer and also silvery hair as soon as the geneseed of the chapter matures. The fangs bit sounds like the Space Wolves, making them "not unique". In addition, each tribe are responsible for their own recruitment as the Companies are basically the leaders of their tribe, thus making them similar to the Salamanders chapter. Generally, it's unwise to mention other chapters in an IA, as this draws direct comparision. You can only lose through direct comparision. The Astartes have two weapons they primarily call upon; Bolter and sword. The act of firing the Bolter is not so much an act of war as an act of faith. The Blazing Kitsunes believe their Bolter is an extension of their soul, their righteous fury made manifest. How'd this belief arise? Unlike most Chapters, the Kitsune Chaplains have the duty of teaching the Kitsunes to excel in the rituals of the Chapter, such as the tea ceremony. The ritualized nature of a tea ceremony conflicts somewhat with the implications of the term 'tribe'. The members of this tribe are the strongest and the hardiest of the tribes. However, their behavior are more or less the amalgam of all the other tribes. However, they are easily the slowest among the tribes as their response are slower than average in regards to the people of their homeworld, although they are quicker than a normal human. Again, this feels like you ran out of ideas. You need a role for the tail of Strength - personally, I feel that them working closely with other tribes to bring out their own strengths and further those of the other tribes might be neat, but you may have other ideas. The Kitsune's jaws/Blaze-Knights/EliteThis is the lead tribe. I'd use a term other than tribe here, since they seem to function very differently than their fellow tribes. Appearance You seriously need to work on the formatting here. And do you really need all three uniforms? Their homeworld of Talko Prime is a beautiful one. It is covered in forests with massive trees (like Yakushima) There are also massive thick bamboo forests that offworlders could easily get lost in. There are several cities, and many different continents, alas, there was an uprising of the barbarian tribes, which forced the Imperials to evacuate, yet they keep a close-eye on the Space Marines... This is very different from the usual way Space Marine homeworlds work. Normally, the marines control the world completely, and can administer it as they see fit - thus, an uprising would be against the marines as well. They were founded in between the 30th and 31st millennium. Mostly every chunk of time between the colonization of Talko Prime and after the Horus Heresy is completely blank due to horrific warp storms that clouded the planet for all those long millennium. Upon the dawn of the 40th millennium, something tragic occurred. The Chaos Marines came and slaughtered the majority of the planet. It began a 10-year war between the Kitsunes and the forces of Chaos. Soon, the 10th tribe succumbed to the darkness and left forever into the warp. From that point on they had long since recovered, and every single piece of writing containing the traitorous 10th tribe had been erased from the Chapter's fortress-monestary. Now, some millennium later, it has all been forgotten of this war. The Kitsunes do get interrogated alot and have many visits from the Inquisition. The Inquisition will never truly trust the Barbarian warriors of the Blazing Kitsunes or the Krak tribes, and the Kitsunes do not like the Administratum nor the forces of the Inquisition. Obviously, this stuff is no longer current. Delete it. Or revise it. Whichever. The battle of Tyloo pass This takes up a lot of space, but it doesn't really seem to add anything. * * * Your grammar needs work. Occasionally, I honestly can't tell what you mean, and your sentence structure is routinely poor. I dunno. In some ways, I think it'd be a good idea if you read a few more IAs and then wrote your own, so you have a more concrete idea of what is expected. Or you could read the DIY guide, as I have suggested twice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luy22 Posted August 16, 2011 Author Share Posted August 16, 2011 Hey guys, I am back, and worked on cleaning it up a tiny bit. It looked awful before. At least now it looks a bit cleaner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.