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Star Tridents Final


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#1
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

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Greetings brothers and sisters. After around a years work on this chapter, with the final parts edited (my thanks to Sigismund Himself for that) so here it is in all its glory. Any more suggestions or critique would be much appreciated.

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Star Tridents



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Location


T
heir Fortress Monastery, known as the "Sentinel" is based on an enormous, artificial island at the north pole of their homeplanet, Marina. The island was already on the planet when the chapter first arrived it’s believed that it was built during the great crusade but no records of the artificial island remained when it was rediscovered. All of the settlements on Marina are nearby the fortress due to the island being the only form of landmass on the planet; so young recruits are easy at hand. The citizens of Marina are all expert fishermen with different tribes throughout the area who fight for the best fishing grounds on the planet, making them adept hunters as well and expert ship to ship warriors. It is from these young tribes the Star Tridents choose their new recruits. When recruiting, the initial test for the young hopefuls would be to place ten in a pit, each armed with a blade or axe where the winner would be chosen to continue on the tough and arduous path to becoming a Star Trident. Then the tests would become tougher and after a few years of full training, the initiates must take the final test to become a fully-fledged brother of the Star Tridents. The initiates are dropped off on random places on the planet on a small rowing boat armed only with a trident and laspistol with only five shots in it. They must then navigate their way back to the Sentinel and walk to the fortress monastery without being killed by the feared Sea Dragons of the deep or the great storms that wrack the oceans of the planet with waves powerful enough to smash their little wooden rowing boat to pieces. When the initiate achieves this feat, he is given a ceremonial hunting dagger and must make the Trident Oath.

Beneath the artificial island, many leagues down into the dark blue sea, there are vast deposits of vital minerals and metals needed by the Mechanicum to create the weapons to protect and fight for humanity. But most importantly there is also a very rare metal, which is known by the locals as Tormium and is forged as an additive to create the fabled weapons used by the senior commanders of the chapter. It is a strong, tough but light metal, which is sent to the forges of Mars on occasion when a large deposit is discovered. It is rumoured that Grey Knights use the wonder material in their Nemesis weapons but these rumours are unconfirmed. Masterly forged by the Techmarines of the chapter, every new captain and high ranking officer chooses a weapon to be created out of this material from the metal of the weapon used by the last commander. It is believed to be a symbol of regeneration of the Astartes and is a very important ceremony in the chapter. Most commanders opt for the most famous weapon of the chapter, the Trident, which is a symbol of their homeplanet and of their brother chapters the Emperor's Spears and Tridents. When the mineral is heated to an extent, it is known for it and the weapon to glow xenon blue, which is believed by the Star Tridents depicts the light of the Emperor within their holy weaponry.


Early History - The battle for Herdim III

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Brother Tempestus of the Fifth Company
T
he chapter's history of war began well, with many victories in the Ultima Segmentum, where numerous planets were cleansed and captured from the enemies of the Emperor. But the chapter had a deep loathing to a band of Orks led by Warboss Nermus BigRukka, who had ransacked many if the planets retaken by the Star Tridents in the Goulan cluster due to the incompetence of the Imperial commanders who tried to rebuild the planets. Then came the greatest blow made by BigRukka’s clan, which would also be their last. Only days after the chapter's 500th founding day, the Warboss led a gigantic assault upon the Herdim system. The chapter received a distress signal from the system, claiming that they were in dire need of military support.

Chapter Master Lixamann declared an assault on the fleet of the Orks and within a day the Star Tridents headed for Herdim and assaulted the Ork hordes in ravage ship-to-ship battles and on the swampy grounds of the twin planets Herdim IV and V. All appeared to go well with the Star Tridents not suffering any significant casualties to the green tide and soon after a day and a half of battle, the final assault was to be prepared to completely exterminate the clan of BigRukka around and on Herdim III. Again the planet-fall was successful and the Orks were driven back to their ships in orbit and a large amount of them fled into the thick jungles at the equator of the planet. With the final battle ahead, the Chief Techmarine, Krillin Frazum, was given the honour of leading the 2nd and 3rd companies of the chapter in a bloody ship to ship battle against the Ork space hulks that were beginning to break away from orbit whilst Chapter Master Lixamann and the 4th and 5th companies purged the last of the Orks on the surface. When Frazum’s boarding forces entered into the heart of the Ork fleet in a raging space battle, the fusion generators failed on the central Ork ship after a lucky shot from a Nova Cannon. An enormous nuclear explosion occurred, lasting only for moments but cremating and incinerating all of the landing craft the space marines were travelling in to. Ironically, the lead ship that Frazum and his retinue were on was named the Phoenix’s Wrath. At the end of the campaign with the last of the Orks wiped out, the morale of the Star Tridents chapter plummeted to an all time low and they withdrew back to Marina to regroup and reform with the loss of over two hundred brothers in the catastrophic plasma core failure out in space and the loss of over seventy on the surface of Herdim III. Master Lixamann was devastated to lose his Master Forgeman and two and a half of his companies in one fell swoop. When the chapter returned to Marina, a march of remembrance was made for the honour of their lost brethren, where the chapter sent any recovered bodies out to the ocean on their final voyage.

But despite the heavy and bloody losses at Herdim III, a miracle appeared to have happened in the aftermath of the battle. The trident of Frazum, known as the “Cleanser” amazingly survived the incinerating fireball by being blasted towards the surface of the planet and was discovered by local citizens within the grounds of the main religious complex on the planet. It was deemed a miracle by the chapter and it was placed in the main chapel of the fortress for it to be used when either the homeplanet of the Star Tridents was attacked or if there was a major conflict nearby their homeplanet. It is shown in a case of glass behind the main altar so that any initiate or imperial warrior can observe the wondrous weapon and remember that day of gore and destruction. It is now seen as a holy relic to the chapter and when taken into battle, their Master of Sanctity wields it and his bodyguard the “Black Tridents” protect it further.

It took over 150 years for the chapter to regain its full strength after losing so much gene-seed to the incineration of Herdim III. From then on, the Chapter have loathed and despised the greenskin and have set on countless crusades against many Ork systems in repentance of their mistake at Herdim. The chapter still go on a crusade against the Orks to honour their fallen every 50 years to "pay their dues" to Krillin Frazum and their brothers. In a more darkened time not long after the “Massacre” the colours of the chapter were changed. What was originally white on their armour was painted black in remembrance of their fallen comrades and it still remains black to this day.

The 3 Trident Chapters


T
he Star Tridents are part of a brotherhood of three linked chapters. They are The Emperor’s Spears of the Ark and the Tridents from Barbadus. Each chapter is said to represent a prong on of the Trident. The oldest chapter, the Emperor's Spears are the centre prong with the two other chapters taking the left and right side as they originate from the Emperor's Spears.

It is said that when all three chapters fight together, most recently on the battlefields of Medusa V, they gel together supremely and act as one fighting force. Despite their differences, the friendship between the three chapters is profound and they hold one of the closest relationships in the Imperium. Each chapter comes to their brother's aid if they hear a distress call. Unfortunately for the Star Tridents at Herdim III, help was too far away from either of their brother chapters. Members from both the Tridents and the Emperor's Spears attended the memorial march a month after the massacre when the representatives from both chapters reached Marina. As the Star Tridents rebuilt, their brothers aided them in some campaigns as the chapter’s strength and numbers increased.

The Trident Weapons


T
he first encounter regarding the vortex trident happened a few years after the Herdim III campaign, in the middle of the 39th millennium. The chapter masters of the three chapters convulsed uncontrollably whilst they saw a vision in their sleep. In it they each saw each other standing around a planet with a trident on a shield in the centre of a planet. They then heard a voice saying, "Protect it". When all three woke up, they were concerned, fearing that this was a chaos trick. Unsure of what had happened to them, he chapter masters consulted with their Epistolaries and Masters of Sanctity to understand what was the message meant. Their fellow brothers scanned their minds, trying to find an answer and to ensure that it was not a chaos trick. No taint was found and they declared it as a message from Dorn to protect something valuable to the Imperium. The Chapter Master of the Tridents did not believe that the message was true but when he heard of the other two masters having similar dreams at the same time, he knew that they could not be coincidence. After the chapter masters had contacted each other and they met on the planet of Resolute, which was pacified by the Imperial Fists during the Great Crusade. They agreed with their war council to start the crusade immediately to find the trident and planet before it was too late for them to protect it. The Chapter Masters decided to dedicate a single company of their chapter to go on the crusade, rotating the duty of which company every 10 Terran years. They named the weapon the Vortex Trident and after over a century of searching for it as well as aiding the Imperium, they could not find the fabled weapon or any clues of its location.

But after 112 years of searching, The Tridents came across a clue on the recently purged heretical planet of Golthu. The planet was originally a world that was pacified by the Imperial Fists. There they found a great clue to the Vortex Trident’s hiding place in the old archives recovered deep beneath the main city’s cathedral after a large shell had left a massive crater in the ground upon which a deep chamber was discovered, revealing a massive labyrinth of old data files from the Great Crusade. Soon with the vital information needed at hand, the Triumvirate came to the planet of Baros that they found what they had searched for over a century.

The Star Tridents and their extra companies of Tridents and Spears found a temple that was dedicated to the Emperor and the Imperial Fists. At the centre laid a tomb of an Imperial Fist captain, Decadus. Decadus was a great warrior and leader who had beaten back the old foes of the Imperial Fists, the Iron Warriors many times, including in the Black Crusades of the Despoiler. He finally fell to a strike to the heart from his old nemesis, Grand Captain Houson, who was also once an Imperial Fist before he descended into the dark depths of heresy and chaos. He was buried on Baros due to it being the place where he received his greatest honour and victory against the Iron Warriors and it was the popular belief to the local population that his spirit would return when the planet would be in a dire conflict and he would protect it. On the doorway into the tomb laid an inscription in High Gothic that described of a great weapon that laid in this tomb and that only a son of Dorn could find what they searched for.

Chapter Master Lixamann ordered for the calling of the two other chapter masters to come and open the tomb together. They came with haste to find the weapon that they had been ordered to Crusade for a millennium ago. As they opened the tomb and entered, they found a vast door stood before them. More Old Terran was written upon it. It told them to place a hand on the fist before them. All three-chapter masters placed their hands on the fist of Dorn before them and they immediately drew their hands away as a burning pain tore through them. Looking at each other they nodded in agreement and placed their hands on once more fighting back the pain brought through their bodies as though they were on fire. After touching the fist for what felt like an eternity of pain, which in reality was actually a minute the tomb opened slowly.

Inside they found relics and chronicles of Decadus’ life and at the centre of the tomb bathed in artificial light, lay the body of Decadus in his power armour draped in a cloth. As they came closer, they discovered that the cloth that was covering Decadus' body wasn't just a cloth. He was draped with a banner of the Imperial Fists containing Decadus' name and the image of three tridents pointed at Barbadus, the homeplanet of the Tridents. It was a strange banner also as it was not the yellow colours of the Imperial Fists, but a bright blue banner bearing Decadus' heraldry, on it were three Tridents facing towards a planet believed to be an image of when Holy Terra was known as Earth.

After searching through the histories of the three chapters emerged in the Librarium of the Emperor’s Spears that Decadus was originally from the planet of Barbadus, from which the Trident chapter descended. The Masters then lifted off the banner and were taken aback again by yet another surprise. A shield of the Imperial Fists that bore Decadus’ heraldry was found and beneath it, they found a Trident. It was the fabled Vortex Trident. A power weapon once wielded by Decadus against the Greenskin of Toromor and in many other campaigns before his death. It was clear that these relics had to be protected by the three chapters, though it was unsure from whom. They soon found out.


The Battle for Baros


A
transmission came through to the Chapter Masters warning them of an enormous fleet of Chaos was heading straight for their positions. It was the old enemy of the Imperial Fists and its descendants. It was the Iron Warriors. The Masters immediately came to the realisation that it was the Iron Warriors who came to steal the weapons and relics that lay in the tomb. They decided quickly to take one of the three relics and use it against the Iron Warriors.
Colonel of the Baros PDF
speaking to Chapter Master Lixamann
Colonel Atlans:

"You do realise that you're going to be surrounded when they attack?"

Lixamann aiming pistol down the square:

"We're Astartes Colonel. We're supposed to be surrounded."

Lixamann of the Star Tridents took the Shield of Decadus, knowing that he would defend the temple to the last man. He declared as he picked it up that by his blood he would return the shield to its rightful place when the battle was done. The two other chapter masters declared the same as the Star Tridents chapter master, Lord Ryven picked up the Trident since he would be assaulting the Iron Warriors and Phoenix of the Spears picked up the Trident Banner of Decadus as he would be on the highest ground, laying waste to all the enemies who came near with his heavy weaponry. The Masters quickly closed the tomb and made haste to regroup with their chapters. They did so just in time as the fleets of the Iron Warriors battered against the three Trident fleets.

The battle was an extremely bitter and blood soaked one, with losses of ships on both sides, but after the two Imperial ships had been destroyed, two large Iron Warriors frigates broke through the gap and drop-podded 4 companies of Iron Warriors onto the necropolis of Valinus where the tomb lay. Five companies from each of the triumvirate were there in the necropolis, waiting for any enemy to strike down on them with their guns raised at the sky towards where they enemy would come. It was there that the great battle began that decided the fate of Baros and the relics of Dorn and Decadus. As each chapter master returned to their respective companies, they decided to barricade the strong point of the city, being the tomb itself and the buildings around it. The 2nd company of the Tridents took a daring move to use the sewers of the city to attack from behind. Master Ryven lead them, with the Trident of Decadus in his hand.

Up on the ground, the Star Tridents and Emperor's Spears units were taking heavy losses from the Iron Warrior's countless defilers and baneblades that rumbled up the streets after being dropped by enemy Thunderhawks and landing craft, laying waste to all defences. They were whittled down to just two and a half companies each from their original five. It was there that the relics of Dorn took their true power. Lixamann noticed a gap in the Iron Warrior's lines and decided to lead a charge with his new shield and his own Trident of tormium. He roared the battlecry "Purge them!" and he led a great assault containing three assault squads and a veteran squad into the lines of the Iron Warriors. He brought his shield to bear and he rammed into the Iron Warriors. What happened as he rammed into them was amazing. At least three Iron Warriors were blown away by an enormous force and a couple were caught on the spikes of their own tanks, leaving them to hang there whilst their tanks burned, roasting them alive. Lixamann roared a cry of courage and relief and charged at the rest with his squads behind him just as Ryven emerged from the sewers. When Ryven used his trident as a spear, he was amazed by it's power. It managed to tear through a Warrior in front of him, stopping in the armour of an enemy Land Raider. His company charged into the rear lined of the Iron Warriors destroying much of the heavy weaponry and vehicles of the chaos legion.

At that time also, Chapter Master Phoenix of the Emperor's Spears revealed Decadus' banner and all of the Emperor's Spears felt a rush of righteous hatred flow through them whilst the Iron Warriors who saw the banner stood still in fear and shock from an unknown force. The Spears charged at the enemy with their newfound hatred and began to tear down the almost stationary chaos marines. The sheer power of all three chapters hitting at once was immense against even the Iron Warriors. Lixamann massacred them within hours of the initial charge. Any survivors of the Iron Warriors who retreated in the ruins didn't have a chance to escape via their spacecraft both as their fleet was half destroyed and was retreating. The Warriors held a last stand at Martyr's Hill and were purged with no mercy or respite. The planet was once again safe and the battle for Baros had ended in victory for the Imperium.

With the battle done, the chapter masters kept their vow and ordered for the Techmarines to clean up the weapons and re-bless them. When they entered the tomb they were shocked to find that the sarcophagus that held Decadus had collapsed into a pile of rubble after a stray shot from a baneblade’s cannon with no sign of Decadus' body. It was deemed as a sign by the three chapters that they were to keep the weapons and protect them from the Iron Warriors and other foul enemies of humanity. Declaring an oath of protection, each Chapter Master took the relic they inherited from Decadus. They're now seen as the holiest of relics to all three chapters, only to be used during the direst of circumstances.

With that, the 1st companies of each chapter held a service to honour the fallen of the battle and to honour Decadus and Primarch Dorn for granting them these weapons. The tomb of Decadus was re-built from the stones of the original, a shrine was built and on it bore the markings of each chapter's insignia to honour what he gave to them. The tomb has remained sealed from that day.


The Fallen Tridents


E
very chapter in the Imperium has its dark and shameful times, which are remembered by the members of the chapter to remind them of their mistakes by themselves and their ancestors, the Star Tridents are no exception in this and it was seen until recently as a great stain upon their honour. Around 300 years after the “Massacre” on Herdim III, a small heresy in the ranks of the chapter was beginning to take form inside a young scout called Proditor. During a cleansing operation in the Kiliad Sector against the Dark Pythons, Proditor saw his fellow squads round up individual civilians in the main square of a city after the battle there and he along with his squad were ordered to execute the group of civilians due to the fact that they were “tainted” by chaos. Proditor questioned the order but his sergeant barked back that if he didn’t fire upon the civilians he would join them for insubordination and refusing orders. Proditor shot them with his squad but it left a great question in his mind, was his chapter really heroes and protectors, or simply butchers acting as the gods of war deciding who was innocent or guilty. He quelled those thoughts, as they were the words of heresy to his chapter and family.

Twenty-Five years later on Baros Proditor questioned his loyalties once more when the same incident happened again. The Librarians sensed his questioning and ordered for him to repent his thoughts and to take a year’s repentance for his brush with heresy. Proditor endured the year of repentance, which included many punishments from the chaplains to cleanse him of the taints that clouded his mind. He was deemed worthy to return to the ranks of his fellow brothers but was kept under extreme scrutiny in case he put himself and his thoughts out of line again. For another 10 years he kept his thoughts well hidden underneath his trained mind and he was elevated to the rank of sergeant. But then an moment in the Star Tridents’ history proved to be the final nail in the coffin for the soon the be “Fallen Trident.”


The Heresy of Proditor


D
uring another fight against the Dark Pythons on the planet Dronus a small cohort of marines from Prodtior’s company and a small group of guardsmen were to be air lifted out of the planet before an Exterminatus as there was no other way of cleansing the planet from chaos, but their transport was shot down long en route to their beacon. Unfortunately the countdown for Exterminatus had all ready begun and there was no way another transport would be able to enter the atmosphere and leave with the units on board in time. The marines on the ground declared that they would fight to the end until the holy fire of the Emperor is brought upon the surface of Dromus. Proditor protested against the Exterminatus to go ahead and for the countdown to be stopped, but his calls were ignored and he was sent to his quarters along with other Star Tridents from his company who had protested. Around two weeks later the pain was still felt amongst the protestors at losing their brothers in such an undignified way, Proditor organized a meeting for all of the protestors so that they could “lament their loss” but underneath the meeting was something far worse and sinister.

Proditor announced that the Star Tridents had become “murderous butchers” who judged people by groups instead of individuals who slay their own brothers for victory and that they had lost their honour, thus he was going to rebel against the Star Tridents and form his own renegade retinue of marines who fight with honour and are not “murderous butchers.” He said that anyone here is willing to join him at his side and those who refused would be killed. Still blinded by their loss, forty out of the fifty-two agreed to join him and the ones who refused were executed quietly and were blasted out into space by opening up the hangar they were in after the ones who agreed to join Proditor left. Proditor masterminded the rebellion and made it so that the next day, they would turn against their brothers and flee to non-imperial space so that they could start their own chapter called the “Fallen Tridents”.

His plan worked almost to perfection, the traitors stormed their company’s ship and held their brothers hostage, and they killed the senior commanders. The Fallen Tridents then gave the choice for their former brothers to join them or die. Nobody joined them and they were executed by bolt pistol. The ship then broke away from the ranks of the Star Tridents and began to send shots towards some of the barges. The Star Tridents promptly fired back and gave chase, but the ship headed back towards the sector that was filled with the canker of chaos so the loyalists turned back. A message was sent to the Flagship of the Star Tridents, the Spear of Marina explaining the course of action made by Proditor and his Fallen Tridents. Enraged by the loss of the entire Fourth Company and the turning of over forty of his own marines, Lixamann vowed that the next time that the chapter met the Fallen Tridents, they would show no mercy to those who had so easily cast away their vows and had broken the “Trident Law”.


Aftermath


T
he heresy of the Fallen Tridents was a great black stain upon the Star Tridents history. It was kept as a deep secret, declaring that the entire fourth company had been destroyed in a raid by the forces of Chaos and it took over thirty years for the Star Tridents to hunt down all of the Fallen Tridents with the final battle against them taking place on the planet of Tallist, where the Fallen Tridents had joined the forces of chaos giving them innumerable allies including a swarm of daemons and a three full companies of cultist guardsmen. The Star Tridents attacked with their entire chapter in one fell swoop, ensuring that not a single enemy warrior had been left to live. The last to die was Proditor himself, who had become a mutated and psychopathic leader intent on victory against the Star Tridents. With the death of the Fallen Tridents, Lixamann declared that the stain upon the honour of the Star Tridents and the Triumvirate was restored.

It took fifty years for the Fourth Company to regain its full strength. Only a handful of the original members existed for the luck of being on different ships, but that meant the shame was only a greater burden to bear upon them. The small band became the most rigorous when it came to the purity of the mind and body and this became the trait amongst the fourth company when new members filled the ranks. They were taught about the Heresy of Proditor and the Fallen Tridents, it is still seen as a stain of dishonour upon the company and their company banner was edited slightly to show the Trident running through the body of a daemon of chaos. It was seen as a reminder of the dishonour Proditor brought upon the Fourth Company and the chapter as a whole. A veteran member of the First Company who had originally heralded from the Fourth was designated as the new captain and he formed the new basis of Purity in Faith, Body and Mind, which became the company's motto and it is still the same today, only the entire chapter now uses it as their motto.


Organisation


T
he Star Tridents keep to the laws of the codex almost by the letter and keep to the organisation of having in each battle company:

Company's Squad Structure

Squad NumberSquad Type
1st:P-Veteran
2nd-5th:wub:- Tactical
7th-8th:) Assault
9th-10th:) Devastator

The elite squads though, have a special honour guard, similar to that of the Ultramarines who protect the commander and his weapon. Each member posses a Trident that uses a unique electrical force, which when touched, launches an enormous shock through the enemy when it pierces through their armour. Large backpacks that create a giant electrical field are worn for the weapons to work and on the backpacks there are many holy writings and images depicting the wars the Star Tridents have fought in.

It is a symbolic weapon, similar to those used at the start of the chapter's history when they reclaimed the artificial island on Marina from large, amphibious beasts known as Sea Dragons. The Electric Trident weapons are considered some of the most holy relics in the chapter and it is known that they do not posses all of them, five were given to their brother trident chapters as a sign of brotherhood and close alliance between each other. The Star Tridents still posses ten and are considered as the weapons of the Emperor and Dorn and it is believed that their hands guide the tridents.

Combat Doctrine


T
he Star Tridents are a very Codex chapter, following almost all of the rules set by Guilliman. There aren’t many differences with the chapter apart from the fact that every senior officer or a highly ranked veteran sergeant always carries a power weapon made of tormium. The most common shape is the Trident, which can be used as a throwing spear as well as a two-handed weapon if the marine were to holster their pistol.

Storm bolters are very common amongst the officers of the chapter along with the power weapon as their close combat weapon. The Star Tridents mistrust the use of plasma weaponry and so have smaller numbers of the weapons compared to other chapters, normally using bolters and heavy bolters, although missile launchers are also very common amongst the ranks. The chapter traditionally fight by firing heavy weapons at the enemy first, so that the enemy is weakened by the onslaught, then the assault squads attack weakening the enemy further thus leaving the Tactical squads to clean up the rest. This traditional tactic does differ however with who the chapter are facing.

Beliefs


T
he Star Tridents took many of their beliefs from their originating chapter, the Emperor’s Spears. They believe that they owe their lives to the Emperor for he gave his life for theirs. Whenever an initiate is ascended to an astartes, his final test is to place his hand on one of the Electric Tridents and give the “Trident Oath” to the chapter on protecting the Imperium and all it's inhabitants. Their name is then engraved upon one of the “holy pillars”, shaped like tridents upholding the main chapel of the Star Tridents aboard their flagship “Spear of Marina”. Any marine who turns renegade has their name burned away and a black cross is painted on their spot. So far in their history there is only just over two hundred black crosses out of over thousands upon thousands of names.

The Trident Oath

“On my honour, I will promise that I will protect the Imperium, to do my duty and uphold the honour of the Star Tridents, Primarch Dorn and the Emperor, to help all the citizens of the Imperium and to keep the Trident’s Law.”


Since the vision that the three Trident chapters received, the Star Tridents are now even more loyal to the Imperium and Dorn. The Chaplains hold a vigil for their fallen brothers every 25 years on the twelfth day of the twelfth month on Marina, a great march of remembrance is held for the lost brothers. It is a heart wrenching sight for the local citizens of Marina and a solemn one for the Star Tridents to see all of the marines in black and carrying a candle for a fallen brother. When a
Chaplain Aquen
When I look upon the ranks upon ranks of my black cladded brothers each holding a candle displaying the light of the Emperor, my soul is filled with a righteous urge to purge every heretic and cleanse every xenos that killed my brothers.
member of the chapter dies, his remains are kept in stasis until the next time they return to Marina, where at midnight by candlelight, the bodies are laid to rest on small boats of wood, the boats are always made of oak and they're all the same shape and size, albeit there are markings on the boats left by their brethren, such as battle honours and their blessings. No changes or decorations are given for more senior officers, as it's their belief that "all are equal in death." The boats are pushed off the shores of the artificial island at the pole of the planet and are sent into the sea for their “final voyage". Each dead brother carries his trophies and other manner of possessions, although not their weaponry and each one has a candle at the prow of the boat so that they can follow the light of the Emperor and join him and Dorn in death and peace.

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Cambrius

Edited by Brother Cambrius, 11 August 2008 - 09:00 PM.

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#2
BlackRaptor93

BlackRaptor93

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Hey Cam! :tu:

Looking over this, i've gotta say this is Librarium worthy to be sure... considering i was here when you started work on these guys, they've really grown up ;)

Thanks,

BlackRaptor93

#3
GhostLegion

GhostLegion

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Though I have to say I am impressed with the overall effect of the piece and find it rather interesting, I do think you need another edit scrub or two.

Your content appears to be complete and quite well thought out, but from a grammar perspective, I do not think this is quite there yet. Now, this is only my own opinion, but after having to reread several sentances several times, I would imagine I am not the only one who wouldnt mind some smoothing out.

For instance, looking at the Origins section alone, below are some recommendations I would suggest.

At the time of the 23rd founding of the Adeptus Astartes, a chapter of aqua and white was founded on the oceanic world of Marina from the seed of Dorn.


Was is proper. Was is singular and conforms with your sentence here. The subject is "a chapter" making this singular. This can be illustrated by reducing the sentence to its purest form, in this case: A chapter of aqua and white was founded on the oceanic world of Marina from the seed of Dorn.

An elite member of the Emperor's Spears was chosen to be the Chapter Master of this band of a thousand warriors his name was Onyx Lixamann.


I would reword this. Putting the character's name first would make the sentance easier to read. EG: Onyx Lixamann, an elite member of the Emperor's Spears, was chosen to be the Chapter Master of this band of a thousand warriors. But that's just me.

with the Emperor's Spears and Tridents at their side to learn the Star Trident Astartes their skills and craft.


This reads kind of rough. Im sure you can reword it a little better. Personally, I would think splitting this sentance into two would clarify it and make it easier to read.

They passed with flying colours destroying the Xandra race and were declared ready to take on the xenos and heretics of the universe in the name of the Emperor, Rogal Dorn and the Imperium.


Again, this reads a little rough. Grammar would require a comma to make this sentance work. I think you might like it better if you reworded to "Passing with flying colours..." or "In destroying the Xandra race and passing with flying colours, they were declared ready..."
----------------------------

Looking at these, and several other rough spots I started to encounter, I think another round of review would serve you well and improve the piece. Reread it for yourself and see what you think.

Again...these are just my opinions mind you.
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#4
Octavulg

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I feel like an utter bastard doing this. I mean, you're a nice guy, and you've evidently put a lot of work into this...

But it just doesn't work. You've got way too much of the history focused on battles, stuff is explained poorly or in a strange order, the whole concept of the Trident Triumvirate is just...odd, and it's about 6900 words, which is about 2400 words too much, minimum.

I'd cut the entire history (at least for now), get the other stuff coherent and cohesive and then worry about the rest of it. As-is, it's just too damn big to get a handle on right now.

I'll give you some more detailed criticism on the non-history parts.

* * *

Origins
At the time of the 23rd founding of the Adeptus Astartes, a chapter of aqua and white were founded on the oceanic world of Marina from the seed of Dorn. They were the Star Tridents, the final member of the Trident Triumvirate. Their two brother chapters were the Emperor's Spears and the Tridents from Barbadus. An elite member of the Emperor's Spears was chosen to be the Chapter Master of this band of a thousand warriors his name was Onyx Lixamann. The chapter were given their final test, which was the cleansing of a local, menacing bird-like xenos known as the Xandra with the Emperor's Spears and Tridents at their side to learn the Star Trident Astartes their skills and craft. They passed with flying colours destroying the Xandra race and were declared ready to take on the xenos and heretics of the universe in the name of the Emperor, Rogal Dorn and the Imperium.


Barbadus sounds an awful lot like Barbarus, and you might consider changing it.

Explaining the whole relationship either needs to be done immediately, or it needs to be brought in later. You can't just drop it in without explaining it.

Aqua? Looks like plain ol' blue to me. Say azure if you must, since it means blue and sounds a bit more gothic (IMO).

They wipe out a whole species as a trial? A little over-the-top, IMO.

As has been previously mentioned, the writing and structure needs some work.

Their Fortress Monastery, known as the "Sentinel" is based on an enormous, artificial island at the north pole of their homeplanet, Marina. The island was already on the planet when the chapter first arrived it’s believed that it was built during the great crusade but no records of the artificial island remained when it was rediscovered. All of the settlements on Marina are nearby the fortress due to the island being the only form of landmass on the planet; so young recruits are easy at hand. The citizens of Marina are all expert fishermen with different tribes throughout the area who fight for the best fishing grounds on the planet, making them adept hunters as well and expert ship to ship warriors. It is from these young tribes the Star Tridents choose their new recruits. When recruiting, the initial test for the young hopefuls would be to place ten in a pit, each armed with a blade or axe where the winner would be chosen to continue on the tough and arduous path to becoming a Star Trident. Then the tests would become tougher and after a few years of full training, the initiates must take the final test to become a fully-fledged brother of the Star Tridents. The initiates are dropped off on random places on the planet on a small rowing boat armed only with a trident and laspistol with only five shots in it. They must then navigate their way back to the Sentinel and walk to the fortress monastery without being killed by the feared Sea Dragons of the deep or the great storms that wrack the oceans of the planet with waves powerful enough to smash their little wooden rowing boat to pieces. When the initiate achieves this feat, he is given a ceremonial hunting dagger and must make the Trident Oath.


Settlements are usually considered to be things with fixed locations. Also, if it's an artificial island but there's no landmass...wouldn't it float around?

As I believe I commented earlier, this does not sound like an efficient method of gathering recruits.

Beneath the artificial island, many leagues down into the dark blue sea, there are vast deposits of vital minerals and metals needed by the Mechanicum to create the weapons to protect and fight for humanity. But most importantly there is also a very rare metal, which is known by the locals as Tormium and is forged as an additive to create the fabled weapons used by the senior commanders of the chapter. It is a strong, tough but light metal, which is sent to the forges of Mars on occasion when a large deposit is discovered. It is rumoured that Grey Knights use the wonder material in their Nemesis weapons but these rumours are unconfirmed. Masterly forged by the Techmarines of the chapter, every new captain and high ranking officer chooses a weapon to be created out of this material from the metal of the weapon used by the last commander. It is believed to be a symbol of regeneration of the Astartes and is a very important ceremony in the chapter. Most commanders opt for the most famous weapon of the chapter, the Trident, which is a symbol of their homeplanet and of their brother chapters the Emperor's Spears and Tridents. When the mineral is heated to an extent, it is known for it and the weapon to glow xenon blue, which is believed by the Star Tridents depicts the light of the Emperor within their holy weaponry.


How would the primitive locals get near this stuff if it's miles under the ocean?

“On my honour, I will promise that I will protect the Imperium, to do my duty and uphold the honour of the Star Tridents, Primarch Dorn and the Emperor, to help all the citizens of the Imperium and to keep the Trident’s Law.”


The whole Trident Oath thing makes me expect Aquaman to pop up and endorse the chapter. It just doesn't have the right feel for Space Marines.

* * *

Again, spelling, grammar, and the general feel need some work. Get the basic stuff down, then worry about the history.

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#5
Brother Cambrius

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Thankyou for the comments and suggestions guys. I'm currently working on some of the edits including all of the ones suggested by GhostLegion. My grammar is my biggest downfall in writing articles. Do any of you know any good websites/books where I can read and improve on my grammatical skills?

I'll give answers to some reasons son and thanks again for the comments. ;)

Cambrius

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#6
Brother Cambrius

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OK, now for some answers.

Hey Cam! :lol:

Looking over this, i've gotta say this is Librarium worthy to be sure... considering i was here when you started work on these guys, they've really grown up :)

Thanks,

BlackRaptor93


Now there's a name I haven't seen for a while. How are you BR93? I see you've moved away from T'zeentch now and are following the depraved Slaaneshis. Why can't you just stay loyal with the Angels Avenged (coming soon for Xmas perhaps if I can work on the others first...)? ;) Thankyou for the comments made.

I feel like an utter bastard doing this. I mean, you're a nice guy, and you've evidently put a lot of work into this...


Don't worry Octy, your advice and critique is often the most important as you posses much information and common sense about the 40K realm. So critique away, I don't mind. :)

I'd cut the entire history (at least for now), get the other stuff coherent and cohesive and then worry about the rest of it. As-is, it's just too damn big to get a handle on right now.


Yes the history is currently being ignored at this time. I'm tempted to completely cut the story about the Triumvirate and just make it an alliance after a crusade together on Medusa V and during the 13th Black Crusade.

Barbadus sounds an awful lot like Barbarus, and you might consider changing it.


I'm afraid I can't change that as it's Philip S.'s work. I'll see if I can ask him nicely and change the planet name to Barbadon.

Aqua? Looks like plain ol' blue to me. Say azure if you must, since it means blue and sounds a bit more gothic (IMO).


Changed.

They wipe out a whole species as a trial? A little over-the-top, IMO.


Hmm, I can see where you're coming from. Could you give me a suggstion on what to do with that bit? Perhaps wipe out a number of systems that are owned by the Xandra?

Settlements are usually considered to be things with fixed locations. Also, if it's an artificial island but there's no landmass...wouldn't it float around?

As I believe I commented earlier, this does not sound like an efficient method of gathering recruits.

How would the primitive locals get near this stuff if it's miles under the ocean?


Argh! I forgot to mention the great metal pillars that anchor the island to the seabed. They're also giant lifts to transport workers down to the sea bed to mine to ores in small submersibles. The races aren't extremely primitive, they do have technology such as laspistols etc. and they also have access to some more high tech business like the submersibles and deep sea diving suits.

The Recruitment bit is currently being given a revamp including the fact that the Star Tridents recruit from a few other worlds as well.

The whole Trident Oath thing makes me expect Aquaman to pop up and endorse the chapter. It just doesn't have the right feel for Space Marines.


I'm extremely surprised no one has of yet discovered where I've taken the Trident Oath from. That may give answer to your question. Who's Aquaman? :D

My thanks again for the pointers and keep your eyes peeled for edits (apart from the history as of yet. ;)).

Cambrius

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#7
GhostLegion

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Do any of you know any good websites/books where I can read and improve on my grammatical skills?


Oddly enough, I find the best way to learn grammar is reading. Classes and books can teach some, but the easiest way to learn is pay attention while you read. Read more and learn more...or something like that. However, since you asked, Guide to Grammar and Writing is one site I found quickly that may be of use. I am sure there are more sites out there.

Looking at the basic level of your article, it is not the grammar (well it is, but anyway) that gets to me so much. I see you have a lot of ideas there. Some worded well, some not so well. I also see that your flow starts pretty strong, but then loses its pace somewhere and gets all sticky. What this means to me is you're missing two steps in your drafting. The first is self revision. You need to read your article before you post it for completeness, not from a personal view, but from a critical view. You are your own worst and harshest editor...and if you do not believe me, ask Octavulg or Molotov as I am sure they will agree here.

If you get through your own review and you think there is nothing more you can do, well then it's time to find an editor. In this case, you posted here (which is good) and some people might provide you some input and edits (useful), while others will do nothing but praise you and the colorscheme you chose (not so useful). Thus, you may or may not gain anything useful from posting here however, this is dependant upon multiple things. Suffice it to say, the key is not to take all edits and revisions blindly. This is your piece, you ( Y - O - U) need to maintain ownership of it and choose for yourself which edits make sense and which do not. If you decide to like the edits, then by all means take them and make the revisions. If you do not like them, there is no point in taking them as the article is yours.

If you're feeling really froggy about this article and would like a full up edit, let me know and I will see what I can do.

OBTW...beware of people who ask you to better explain something you've written...it can get wordy :P @ Octavulg....sooooo many edits to do now. ;)
Crafting a Chapter - Notes, Thoughts, Commentary. Worthwhile or not, it is what it is.
My answer to RAW v RAI? "We demand guaranteed, rigidly-defned, areas of doubt and uncertainty." - Douglas Adams