I can’t really find anything I don’t like here, just a couple of grammatical issues:
This new threshold appeared to provoke the creatures still further, and the furious alien onslaught pushed Taramant and his forces back into the under-tunnels.
Surely this should start “Crossing this threshold…”?
The Ice Lords recruit extensively from every city on Franklin's World, though even more extensively from among the people of Falconscott.
Doesn’t sound quite right, change one of the ‘extensively’ 's perhaps?
The only other thing I might do is swap the first Placeholder bit (and move it up next to the Knights and Wolves bit) for another of those omniscient sidebars from Taramants point of view, y’know like “fury at Telemachus for abandoning his people, but also recognition of situation and hollow fear that all things happened before, all the things tried to prevent, might happen again”, etc. to my mind would just make clear how the new schism fits in with the past and the theme of the Chapter (I get it already, but someone reading the IA as a stand alone piece might not). Just a small thought, as always ignore if it doesn’t fit.
It’s actually very interesting, the question of loyalty to the people of the Imperium or loyalty to the Chapter and the Primarch. Can Taramant keep his men following his beliefs or does Telemachus’ change of viewpoint to something much more like their DA forebears and their Primarch, show that the selfishness (as Taramant sees it, anyway) of their attitude is something in their blood (or geneseed) that in the end he can’t change at all? Is he fighting for nothing, doomed to fail anyway?
Not sure, maybe I’m missing the point!
Anyway, every time I read it I like it more! Good stuff!
Edited by Strike Captain Lysimachus, 19 August 2008 - 12:01 PM.