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Deathwatch: The Series!


Leethal

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This is a pilot, let's see how it does. And I will probably be crucified by the Ultramarine fans. I'm sorry, but...I just had to do it. I just had to. You understand.

 

 

 

 

Deathwatch: The Series

Every Hour, On the Hour!

 

It is the 41st Millennium. For more than a hundred centuries the Emperor has sat immobile, and yadda yadda yadda. Something about you're screwed and things of that nature.

 

Inquisitor Jon von Drummond: Raka Thunderhoof, how long have you served with me?

 

Raka: Over a few years, my lord.

 

JvD: A few? My friend, you are too modest. Anyways, you have been promoted. A new batch of Space Marines have joined our Order. Lead them, train them, and try not to get them killed. You know your duty.

 

Raka: Aye, I will try. I will make the Ordos Xeno proud!

 

JvD: I know you will. Now...Why don't I have a color?

 

Raka: Perhaps...you are not special enough my lord?

 

JvD: I'm a fraggin' Inquisitor! How is that not special?! Sigh Anyways, let's go meet the new Marines.

 

They enter a grand hall covered in murals, and other artsy stuff we as readers don't care about

 

Space Wolf: Pansy Angel! Where's your dress lass?!

 

Dark Angel: Uncultured swine! Prepare to meet your doom!

 

Space Wolf: Bring on it! You little lass! Activates chainsword

 

Raka: What is this?! Stop! Both of you!

 

Both Space Marines stop, and stare at the new arrival. And then they continue to fight

 

Dark Angel: Filthy dog!

 

Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!

 

Dark Angel: Disgusting grox lover!

 

Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!

 

Dark Angel: Weakling puppy!

 

Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!

 

Raka: Stop this madness! Holds them apart

 

JvD: Well...I can tell this is going to be a greeaaaat day.

 

Raka: Cease your bickering! Save it for the xenogen!

 

Suddenly the door opens! A Space Marine of the Iron Hands Chapters enters

 

Iron Hand: Umm...am I in the right place? This is the Deathwatch Orientation Hall right? Not some sort of sick, perverted Dark Angel, Space Wolf love fest right?

 

Space Wolf: LOVE FEST?! Say that to my face!

 

Raka: Stop this nonsense! And you! Space Wolf put your groin plate back on!

 

Space Wolf: Grr...don't sleep Iron Hand.

 

Dark Angel: Yes, or else this untrained puppy might urinate in your wee little boots!

 

Iron Hand: Haha! The Dark Angel has charm!

 

Space Wolf: What?! Puppy?! Urinate?! I'M HOUSE TRAINED DAMNIT! GRR...

 

Raka: Stop this bickering!

 

JvD: Oh the Imperium's screwed. I just know it. Mum always said I should have been a pirate.

 

Gigantic BAM!

 

Imperial Fist: HERESY! Not while I breathe!

 

Space Wolf: Imperial Fists? You guys can do something BESIDES sitting on your fat arses?

 

Iron Hand: Oh ho ho! The wolf has teeth!

 

Imperial Fist: Buh-Of course! And I do declare, the hairy beast can speak!

 

Raka: Stop this nonsense! Stand at attention or I will smack thee with the Codex Astartes!

 

All the Space Marines stand at attention

 

Pio: Pio Furnac of the Salamanders has arrived for duty! Never fear ladies, for I will put the FIRE in your fair bosoms!

 

Raka: Fine, whatever. go line up next to them.

 

Pio: Can I set them aflame?

 

Raka: Yeah sur-WAIT. What?!

 

Pio: Nothing :) Soon my pet, soon Caresses his Flamer lovingly

 

Julis: Hark the angels sing! It is I, Julius Raseac! Son of Guilliman, the Emperor's finest! I...AM...ULTRAMARINE!

 

Raka: FINE! I don't give a heretic's ass! Go there, shut up and line up!

 

Julis: Line up where?

 

Raka: NEXT TO THEM! THOSE MARINES! SERIOUSLY!

 

Julis: Ah, I see now.

 

Raka: mutters Emperor-damned Ultramarines, so many of them. I wish I could kill them all

 

JvD: We're missing two.

 

Raka: Who? Hmm...the Blood Angel and the Raven Guard one...I thought I saw one earli-

 

Raven Guard: I'm right. Steps out of the shadows

 

Raka: How long were you standing there? And where did that shadow come from? We're in a highly illuminated room! You know what, never mind, my mind can't take any more broken laws of physics that is this universe. Go line up over there.

 

With a THUNDEROUS BOOM! A red armored figure enters

 

Raven Guard: Emperor's Toilet! He's paler than me!

 

Space Wolf: Emperor's Diaherria! His fangs are longer than mine!

 

Dark Angel: Emperor's Bloody Stools! He's prettier than me!

 

Julis: Emperor's Untouched Copy of the Codex Astartes! Ultramarines FRIGGIN ROCK!

 

Everyone just stares, somewhere a cricket dies

 

Raka: Iron Hand.

 

Iron Hand: Yes?

 

Raka: Smack him for me.

 

Iron Hand: With pleasure Smacks Julius in the back of the head with his metal hand

 

Raka: Blood Angel line up with them. AHEM I am Raka Thunderhoof, formerly of the White Scars Chapter! I will be your commanding officer as well as your Librarian during your service with the Deathwatch!

 

Space Wolf: Witchery!

 

Raka: Piercing GlareAnyways, you will be fighting along these Marines here as one, coherent fighting unit. The militant arm of the Ordos Xenos. Yes?

 

Dark Angel: I do believe that any squad with a Space Wolf would fail to be "coherent"

 

Smothered laughter from the others

 

Space Wolf: WHAT?!

 

Raka: SILENCE! <Casts Piercing Glare> Now, I am sure each of you, have been sent to me by your Chapters for a good reason. Tell me, for I am a Librarian, and naturally curious. Like...a curious monkey named George.

 

Pio: I burned innocents.

 

Space Wolf: I drank all the booze, screwed all the women, and cut down innocents.

 

Dark Angel: I shot innocents.

 

Blood Angel: I bit innocents.

 

Imperial Fist: I built a wall that I blew up with a Demolisher cannon, that was made up of innocents.

 

Raven Guard: I stabbed innocents.

 

Julis: I kept a termagaunt as a pet back on Macragge, and then it killed innocents. What? Fluffy was nice to me!

 

Raka: Okay...is there ANYONE who didn't kill an innocent?

 

Iron Hand: I did not, Brother Librarian.

 

Raka: Oh good, I thought I was leading a penal legion for a secon-

 

Iron Hand: I fed innocents to the fire drakes.

 

Raka: <Casts Piercing Glare>

 

JvD: Wow. I'm an Inquisitor of the Ordos Xenos right? Not some warden of a penal legion right?

 

Raka: Yes, Inquisitor.

 

JvD: All righty then, just checking to make sure.

 

Raka: Since all of your are horrendously psychotic, I will divvy you up into pairs. Your partner will be your bunk mate, your battle-brother, to the extreme! Now sound off!

 

Raziel: Veteran Raziel of the Dark Angels.

 

Iruel: Apothecary Iruel of the Blood Angels.

 

Stern: Howzer Stern of the Imperial Fists.

 

Bloodfang: Grey Hunter Hurin Bloodfang of the Space Wolves.

 

Pollux: Ferrus Pollux of the Iron Hands.

 

Skarr: Skarr Blackfeather of the Raven Guard.

 

Pio: Pio Furnac of the Salamanders.

 

Julis: Hark the angels sing! It is I, Julius Raseac! Son of Guilliman, the Emperor's finest! I...AM...ULTRAMARINE!

 

Raka: Pollux?

 

Pollux: Smacks Julius upside the head

 

Raka: Raziel, Hurin Bloodfang you two are bunkmates.

 

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

 

Raka: Silence. Iruel, Pollux you are together. Julius and Skarr. Pio and Stern, you are one. Now go find your damn room, and let me get some sanity back in my head!

 

JvD: Welcome to the Deathwatch. Killing Xenos every hour, on the hour! :P

 

 

 

Enough for Episode One the Pilot :)

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I am Raka Thunderhoof, formerly of the White Scars Chapter! I will be your commanding officer as well as your Librarian during your service with the Deathwatch!

 

Space Wolf: Witchery!

 

Raka: Piercing Glare

 

I see what you did there.

 

Subscribed. :thanks:

 

The second I saw that, I had to subscribe.

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I am usually more of a lurking type but this topic made me laugh so hard I had to stop by and give some positive feedback.

Seriously, that was great! :(

 

Consider your topic subscribed. Maybe in the future if you have spare time from silly things such as painting plastic men or eating you might want to consider doing one for the

traitor legions.

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This is pretty damn cool ;) How long did it take you to write? ( iask so i know how long untill the next awesome update ;) )

 

THe pilot took, me a while, I noticed a few errors reading through the final draft that I'm too lazy to go back and fix. but...you should expect an another episode somewhere in the general direction of 3-5 Days. Or...we'll just go with every other day, if you're lucky and my college professor don't give me as much homework.

 

Consider your topic subscribed. Maybe in the future if you have spare time from silly things such as painting plastic men or eating you might want to consider doing one for the

traitor legions.

 

Oh I have plans for them, don't you worry. :)

 

 

Everyone else, thanks for you support ;)

I'll be fixing upa few colors a well...Waaaaaay too many Grays.

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i shall be first to jump to my chapter's defense, pretty please stop picking on us.

Silence! Or I shall get the Iron Hand to belt you again! :P

That Salamander has some serious shades of Gollum about him - 'My Precciiiouuussss.' The reactions to the Blood Angel were just fantastic. Almost as good as the DA/SW needle.

 

More! The master of the Sapphire Scorpions demands more! ;)

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Heheh. I just thought of an idea- if your squad suffers casualties you could ask some of the IA-writers 'round these parts if you could induct a member of their Chapter. They'd be obliged to watch you take the piss out of their poor Battle-Brother though.

 

Anyway.

 

MOAR!

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i shall be first to jump to my chapter's defense, pretty please stop picking on us.

 

really good, hope you do some more(but be nice to ultra's)

 

Julius will have his revenge! Just not for a while. I'm working on a Roughdraft for a later episode where, gasp, He does SOMETHING! :P

 

Heheh. I just thought of an idea- if your squad suffers casualties you could ask some of the IA-writers 'round these parts if you could induct a member of their Chapter. They'd be obliged to watch you take the piss out of their poor Battle-Brother though.

 

Hmm, intresting idea. Maybe I'll do it for when they do a larger scenario. Mostly easy pathetic stuff for now. But intresting idea, I'll hold on to it for later.

 

Episode 2 is 75% Finished! :o

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Deathwatch: The Series!

 

Every Hour, on the Hour!

 

Written by Leethal of B&C

 

If you can't read Skarr Blackfeather's words, and there a few lines, I'd suggest highlighting them, or suggesting another damn color that is "Raven Guard-y".

 

Thought of the Day: Green Eggs and Ham. Colorful euphemism for the ancient Catachan delicacy of Ork meat and other certain parts of the Ork anatomy.

 

Narrator: *Gags* Ugh, that's disgusting! I think I'm gonna throw up.......

 

And now we return to our somewhat sporadic evening schedule. Stayed tuned for the news! Is there an exeterminatus coming to your planet? Stay tuned after the show to find out!

 

 

 

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Inquisitor, I'm surprised that no one has died yet.

 

Inq. Jun von Drummond: It's...only been 17 minutes sincie they left this room.

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Exactly. The sounds of battle can be heard

 

JvD: That better be an ork Waaagh, or I'm going to be disappointed in something.

 

Raka Thunderhoof: You know? I'm tired of sighing, lets go check the secret cameras. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!?!? Raziel PUT THAT DOWN!!

 

JvD: He can't hear you, you know.

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Dude! He's smashing your autographed portrait of Eisenhorn over the Space Wolf's head!

 

JvD: WHAT?! STOP THEM! I CAN'T GET ANOTHER ONE! WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHERE EISENHORN IS NOW?! IT'S UNREPLACABLE!!!

 

~~~~~Elsewhere~~~~~~

 

Ferrus Pollux: I'm just saying, that having a bionic hand is really cool! With it's turbo action and you can pick those really hard places where a normal pinky cant! And get those annoying boogers out!

 

Iruel: Bionics are fine, BUT WHY IN THE EMPEROR'S ETERNAL GRACE WOULD YOU CHOP OFF A PERFECTLY GOOD HAND?!?!

 

~~~~~Umm...Change Scene!~~~~~

 

Raziel: Come on you dog, you fight like a Guardsman!

 

Hurin Bloodfang: I will drink your blood! Awhooo!

 

Much smashing, crashing, smashing, smashing, crunching, and pain

 

~~~~~~I hate this job~~~~~

 

Howzer Stern: My, my my. What a BEAUTIFUL rendering and sculpture scale model of the Phalanx, and look it has working lights. 'Eavy Metal eat your hearts out. :) I'm so proud.

 

Pio Furnac: BURN BABY BURN! FAWHOOOOOOOOOOSH!

 

Howzer Stern: NO! OH THAT'S IT! I HAD IT WITH YOU! GET BACK HERE! I WILL END YOU! YOU...YOU...UNSUPERVISED CHILD IN A HOBBY STORE! END YOU!!!!

 

Pio Furnac: Bwahahahahahaha! Look at the pretty flames!

 

~~~~~And the Emperor spake, "Holy crap, THESE are Space Marines now?!~~~~~

 

Julis: Skarr? Where'd you go? I'm not done reading the Codex Astartes with full directors commentary by Roboute Guilliman himself! Skarr? Skarr Blackfeather?

 

Skarr Blackfeather: Nevermore...

Silently cuts his wrists to escape the pain that is Ultramarine

 

DA INTERCOM: Raka Thunderhoof's horribly trained, horribly pyschotic Kill Team report to training bay 17.

 

After much getting lost, fighting, bickering, and the maiming of a poor soul, they arrive....a few hours late

 

Raka Thunderhoof: We will have our first training session. It's an easy one, so don't frag it up! Piercing Glare Hurin Bloodfang! What is an ork?!

 

Hurin Bloodfang: Xenogen scum.

 

Raka Thunderhoof: WRONG! THAT IS SO WROOOOOOOOONG! An ork is a spore-creature, and not that SPORE Creature, not those, vaguely phallic shaped creatures, but a spore-creature. With a hyphen! They spread their numbers by spores, creating more orks! They are mean and green and smash you up!

 

Raziel: Like me :)

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Wipe that smug look! I have a surprise for you today! The Ordos has seen fit to capture some orks for you to kill! WHAT POLLUX?!?!

 

Ferrus Pollux: We dont have weapons.

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Aww realy? You're a SPACE MARINE for Emperor's sake! Punch them! Spit acid!

 

Skarr Blackfeather: Umm...I can't spit acid.

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Fine,kick them then! Now...here is a diagram of the ork's weaknesses. Study it well. Now you know.

 

Reveals a crude stick figure drawing in green with a face with teeth. There are red circles around it's limbs, face, torso, and groin

 

Iruel: ....Wow, I totally agree with the Librarian. By studying this, i f we're EVER attacked by green stick figures, we know how to win!

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Is that sarcasm, I detect? IMPROVISE! The Emperor in all his wisdom gave you a brain! Use it! Iruel! Enter the cage! For your snarky attitude you may face the Ork first!

 

Iruel: Craaaaaaaaaaaaaap. Enters the cage

 

Ork: WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Charges

 

Iruel raises Reducator and punches the Ork's brain out

 

Iruel: Umm...I win?

 

Raka Thunderhoof: ....Julius! You're next!

 

Julis: Yes my leige. Let me consult the Codex Astartes on how to handle Orks. The Codex states that I should shoot the Ork. Librarian Raka, may I have a bolter?

 

Raka Thunderhoof: WHAT?! NO! I'm teaching you how to handle an ork in close combat without weapons! Get in the cage Ultramarine!

 

Julis: But the Codex states!

 

Raka Thunderhoof: The Codex won't save you now! Presses button

 

Ork: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

 

Julis: Die! <Raises Imaginary Bolter> Bang! Bang! Bang!

 

Ork: Waaaghagha! Da Smurfie's a funnie onez! Attacks!

 

Julis: It won't die! Bang! Bang! Bang! I'm out of ammo! Draws an imaginary bolt pistol out of his imaginary holster Bang! Bang! Bang!

 

Hurin Bloodfang: Punch him laddie! Punch it!

 

Ork: Waaaaaagh!

 

CRASH

 

Julis: The Codex Astartes is so...shiny........

 

Pio Furnac: Boy's lost his brain.

 

Skarr Blackfeather: Ultramarines have brains?

 

Everyone: Ahahahahahahaha!

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Fight him! Fight back Ultramarine! You're a fragging Space Marine!

 

Julis: I have to reload my bolter daddy...

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Daddy? :devil: What the ****?!

 

Julis: Oooh! Birdies! Falls unconcious

 

Howzer Stern: Well, that was by far the most pathetic thing I ever saw.

 

Hurin Bloodfang: Aye.

 

Raziel: So THIS is why the Ultramarines lost their First Company to a bunch of bugs!

 

Ferrus Pollux: Yup, pretty pathetic.

 

Pio Furnac climbs into the cage

 

Pio Furnac: Come beast, come meeteth your destroyer! Have at thee heathen beast!

 

Ork: Waaaaaaagh!

 

Pio Furnac: SHORYUKEN!!!!!!!

 

Ork's head flies off

 

Space Marines: WHAT THE ****??!?!1/1/!?!1/1?11111oneone11!!!

 

Pio Furnac: That's RIGHT! You DON'T screw with DA SALAMANDAAAAA! WHOO!!

 

Raziel: Raise your hands if you think that was beyond messed up. Raises hand, followed by everyone else

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Iruel, go check on the Ultramarine.

 

JvD on DA INTERCOM!: Did he just uppercut the Ork's head off??!?!!

 

Raka Thunderhoof: Umm...yes.

 

JvD on DA INTERCOM!: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. No wonder no one plays Salamanders! They are nuckin' futs! How do you uppercut an Ork's head straight off?! HOW?! He doesn't even have a powerfist! My...my...my mind is boggled.

 

 

Narrator AKA Leethal AKA The Ninth Chaos God! AKA Saint of Saints, and etc : That's all for episode 2 :o Will Pio furnac continue to uppercut everyone's heads off?! Find out next week!

 

Pio Furnac: Damn straight, don't **** with me!

 

Howzer Stern: Did you just turn black?

 

Pio Furnac: What son?! You gonna do somethin' bout it?

 

Howzer Stern: umm...No, um I think I here my mother calling.

 

Pio Furnac: You don't have a mother!

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