A general note on the color scheme:
Firstly, lavender is defined on Wikipedia as "a light pinkish purple", among other things. So even if it is overly pink, it's still lavender. The term is widely variable. It may not be your lavender, but it is a
Secondly, the proportions of red and blue in the color above are roughly equal. The proportions of red and blue in pink involves about 25% more red than blue (using #FFC0CB as pink). I may have a light magenta (indeed, I probably do). I do not
have a pink. There's too much blue.
Thirdly, the color in question, Delta Ceramcoat's Lilac Dusk, is considered a highlight to Grape, Royal Fuchsia and Magenta, none of which sound likely to be pinks. It is definitely purplish. It may also be pinkish, but it's purpitude is pronounced.
I found the actual bottle, and have adjusted the color closer to reality. It will still seem pink to some of you, and I must strive to console myself with the knowledge that I am right, and you are all wrong.
That and liquor should see me through.
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I think "pride" would be a better word instead of "pleasure".
Pleasure sounds morally weaker. Pride is a strong, powerful emotion. Pleasure is weak, and sybaritic, and open to corruption. It also has ssssssibilantsssss.
(and by extension the Bronze Prophets and even the Imperium)
Get rid of the parenthesis and replace them with commas. Parenthesis tells the reader that what is contained within is useless information that can be omitted.
...No they don't. It tells the reader that it's supplementary information, which isn't strictly necessary. Not reading the information in parentheses is a good way to miss context.
And looking at what I have in parentheses (which is the plural form, BTW
), supplementary-but-not-strictly-necessary seems to describe it pretty well.
I think the second "rot" could be replaced with "disintegrate" so I'm not reading it twice in the same sentence.
Literary conceit, meant to make it sound all ominous and important. See Genesis 1:1.
There should be a comma after "empires" and no comma after "communes".
Read it aloud. "Duchies and republics (pause) petty empires and anarcho-syndicalist communes (pause) all vie against..."
A more common example: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages...
How can the people be united if they constantly fight each other?
Those are the ways in which they are. In every other way, they are not. Union need not be a total thing.
There should be a comma after "prophecy".
Doesn't the Church belong to the Ecclesiarchy? If so, why would they allow the Chapter to set up shop within their holy building, especially with the Space Marines' tendency to deny the divinity of the Emperor?
The building is within their building. I suspect they were offered the choice of moving first, or not. Considering the fact that the Chapter would be well within their rights to kick them off the world entirely, this seems a fairly good deal.
Wicked awesome quote.
Not mine. General Adam Steiner in Battletech. Its companion quote is "The hell with information! Ammunition is ammunition!" which is a response to the frequent quoting of the above by a Tech Sergeant in the General's regiment. It occurs to me that they may actually thus be from the Battletech cartoon series. This fills me with dread. Oh well. It's still an awesome quote.
A lot of the quotes are references to various things. It's fun.
I really like this paragraph. I would suggest adding "to a humiliating defeat," after "this has been known to cost the Prophets what would have been an easy victory".
I like leaving the range of consequences open. This way, I've got everything from "hard victory" to "massive loss that takes decades to recover from".
So far I'm really liking this Chapter, especially the PINK and white color scheme going on. It's a nice twist from the usual Librarian fetish that I often see when someone tries to make them and prophecies the focal point of his or her article.
Purple. And thank you. I think it helps that I set out to write about the prophecies/fallen librarians, not about functioning ones.
Anything I'm not arguing with you about, I fixed, BTW
. Thanks very much.
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The second weapons needs removed.
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IA updated. Writing and colors revised.