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IA: Bronze Prophets

Octavulg Loyalist IA Cursed Founding

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75 replies to this topic

#26
Ace Debonair

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This is a really, really minor point, but it might be worth drawing to your attention.


Origins
Ranks upon ranks of them in the dark, calling out, though they do not see me. A cacophony of lies, half-truths, and secrets none was ever meant to know. Would that I could forget it. - Ander Geddarm at his trial for heresy. Executed 937.M39


And They Are Evil in My Sight
The spirit of the Emperor is said to contain the very stars themselves. All the knowledge of the universe, that ever was and ever will be. Would that we could witness such a thing. – Montress the Golden, Chief Librarian of the Bronze Prophets


Both of these quotes are pretty close to each other, and both end with very similar statements. I like the sort of 'if only' theme running through the article, but it might be worth re-wording one of these since the endings are so similar.

Then again, perhaps I'm just picky, and it's perfectly fine. :sweat:

Edited by Ace Debonair, 09 January 2010 - 08:21 PM.

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#27
Argon

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Fancy word is fancy laugh.gif . I had to look it up, which is a rare experience for me. I'm curious as to why you chose that word. You could replace it with "powerful" and keep the meaning of the sentence.


I could. But I like fancy words. Hell, you should use as many fancy words as you can - but you should always try and be sure you know what they mean. :blink:

Also, it seemed to fit with the slightly-overwrought nature of the original prose for the piece. I was thinking of "The Cask of Amontillado" a lot when I wrote it first. As you might notice from the protagonist's name. :blink:


I see. I may have to find space for such fun words as "defenestrate", "decollate", and "gralloch" in my IA. Yes, those are real words. Look them up.


Good taste in short stories, Octavulg. Are you a mason laugh.gif ?


I'd change the people, too, don't worry. And trust me, there were a lot of good pious folk in the Renaissance.

I prefer Scotch Tape.


That is terrifying ;).
QUOTE (1000heathens @ Sep 8 2010, 07:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
'A Loyalist Marine once tried to best me. I ate his gene-seed with some fava beans and a nice chianti.'


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#28
Octavulg

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I could have sworn I replied to these. I remember typing the replies...

Anyway...

The Nephilim:

I find this one a stretch. How could a single chapter destroy an entire grand company that also uses slave-fodder and traitor guard, which probably outnumbers the Codex Chapter anywhere from 2:1-3:1 in marines alone? That seems highly unlikely.


If it makes you feel better, pretend they dropped an asteroid on them. ;)

More seriously - a Grand Company would not necessarily be that big, and the Bronze Prophets most certainly didn't play fair.

Whole companies? That’s alpha level psyker power. Those are rare. You have multiple alpha level psykers in a Chapter sounds a little ridiculous. Not even the Blood Ravens have that. You’re like Blood Ravens on psyker-steroids.


*Sigh* Down to one man. It's hyperbole, but you're right.

Aren’t there psykers monitoring the Emperor? If such a thing was detected, the retaliation would be swift and brutal. The way the Black Library has described the use of psychic energy is similar to that of throwing a pebble into a pond. The bigger the peddle, to bigger the waves. Something like that I would imagine being a freaking boulder thrown into the pawn. Sentries would be alerted people scrambled and so on. How did they avoid that detection? Was there a battle with the monitors? Were the librarians traced back to their homeworld? If they were, what was the Inquisition’s response?


There likely are. However, that's assuming that they managed to reach the Emperor at all, and that they didn't just burn out their brains by co-operating all at once. The magnitude of the power may have been what did it.

Besides - explaining the consequences of a legend feels...odd. :P

Also what does the Chapter do with the crazy librarians? It wouldn’t do well for them at all to have them escape, so are the restrained, put down, something else? Has one ever escaped and sown terror somewhere?


Shoves 'em under the Chapter keep. I do say that.

I don't see them as lucid enough to cause anything but odd looks, but there is almost certainly going to be a hulking, rambling figure that wanders the capital by night now. Probably terrifies the citizens. :P

* * *

Ace:

Then again, perhaps I'm just picky, and it's perfectly fine. msn-wink.gif


Nope. Got rid of the one I liked less.

* * *
Argon:

I see. I may have to find space for such fun words as "defenestrate", "decollate", and "gralloch" in my IA. Yes, those are real words. Look them up.


Only needed to look up one. David Eddings and common sense sufficed for the other two. :)

* * *

The IA has been updated, with a new home world! Now that's exciting stuff, kids!

Edited by Octavulg, 07 March 2010 - 03:35 AM.

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#29
Lysimachus

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Love the new Homeworld, the ‘italian’ theme is a perfect setting for the ‘horror’ feel of the Chapter. You’ve captured it very well too, with the architecture and religion. Good job!

Few little points:

The church on Pawrath is a powerful institution – the Ecclesiarchy has deep roots in the world, and the depth of belief in the Divine Emperor goes at least as deep in the hearts of the citizens.

I’m sorry, to me this a confusing sentence. Too many ‘deep/depth’s. Maybe just cut part of the sentence?:

The church on Pawrath is a powerful institution – the Ecclesiarchy has deep roots in the world, and belief in the Divine Emperor goes at least as deep in the hearts of the citizens.


The predictive gifts of the Librarians are not easily utilized in tactical combat, where the battle can be over before the Librarian determine what route will secure victory.

Should be either ‘can determine’ or ‘determines’. Not sure but I might say ‘a Librarian’ rather than ‘the Librarian’ too.


Crazy giant beggar who wanders the streets by night and is clearly an escaped crazy Librarian from beneath the Auguria.

That is a very, very cool image. Although, wouldn’t they catch him pretty quick and put him back…… or are his precognitive powers too strong and he keeps moving before they can get him? Have you ever read ‘Dragon Tears’ by Dean Koontz, reminded me a little of the bad guy in that when he first appears, called ‘Tick Tock’?


Think I might have asked before but do the regular non-psychic brethren have any genetic issues. Are they ok, do they have problems, or are all brethren psychic to a greater or lesser degree?




Still awesome.

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Edited by Strike Captain Lysimachus, 07 March 2010 - 08:02 AM.


#30
Ace Debonair

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The population of the planet has little contact with the Prophets, looking at them as something between protectors, demons and gods. Many former Chapter Masters and Captains are preserved in the memory of the population as mystical heroes and villains – and as demons and demigods.


I think you only need to say this the once. :lol:

Apart from that, all I can say is bring on the sidebars!

The new homeworld is excellent, by the by. Really liking the city-centre monastery combined with the minimal contact approach. Very cool.
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#31
Octavulg

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Lysimachus:

I’m sorry, to me this a confusing sentence. Too many ‘deep/depth’s. Maybe just cut part of the sentence?:


Revised to:

"The church on Pawrath is a powerful institution – the Ecclesiarchy has deep roots in the world, and belief in the Divine Emperor runs at least as deep in the hearts of the citizens."

Should be either ‘can determine’ or ‘determines’. Not sure but I might say ‘a Librarian’ rather than ‘the Librarian’ too.


Changed to: "... the battle can be over before a Librarian can determine what route will secure victory."

That is a very, very cool image. Although, wouldn’t they catch him pretty quick and put him back…… or are his precognitive powers too strong and he keeps moving before they can get him? Have you ever read ‘Dragon Tears’ by Dean Koontz, reminded me a little of the bad guy in that when he first appears, called ‘Tick Tock’?


I have not (and I wish the image was mine. ;) The Nephilim suggested it).

Think I might have asked before but do the regular non-psychic brethren have any genetic issues. Are they ok, do they have problems, or are all brethren psychic to a greater or lesser degree?


I should explore that, shouldn't I. Fair enough. I'll add it next draft.

Still awesome.


:P Thank you. ;)

* * *
Ace:

I think you only need to say this the once. biggrin.gif


En-once-ed, and the paragraph has now been revised so it's not so pathetically short.

Apart from that, all I can say is bring on the sidebars!


Oh, there'll be sidebars. There'll be sidebars...

The new homeworld is excellent, by the by. Really liking the city-centre monastery combined with the minimal contact approach. Very cool.


Yeah. Renaissance Italy does work much better with this Chapter. Time to play it up in a sidebar or two.

* * *
General Note:

New draft adds sidebars and accomodates most suggestions that have been made by doing so. That worked out well.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#32
Grey Hunter Ydalir

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I'm relatively suprised that this chapter doesn't share it's homeworlds beliefs on the Emperor given how powerful you say the Ecclesiarchy is on this world. Or is it one of those chapter-cult-inspired-homeworld-churches?

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#33
Octavulg

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I'm relatively suprised that this chapter doesn't share it's homeworlds beliefs on the Emperor given how powerful you say the Ecclesiarchy is on this world. Or is it one of those chapter-cult-inspired-homeworld-churches?


They use the same magical method all the other Space Marine chapters use to beat a decade of religious indoctrination out of the children in order to produce an atheism that appears theoretical at best. :)

That and recruit ages are two of the great irksome points of Space Marine background (in my view, anyway). I accept them, but I honestly can't rationalize them out that well.

Now that you mention it, I don't know if I committed either way on how they feel about the Emperor.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#34
Lysimachus

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The first sidebar is excellent, I really like the idea of the Monastery expanding over such a wide area and it explains well how the Chapter can remain more aloof from the population as much of their comings and goings will presumably be via the facilities in the mountains.


If I’m being entirely honest, however, I’m slightly disappointed with the second one. It’s quite factual where I was expecting something a bit more theatrical/classic horror story.

I think bringing in the Inquisition is a bit odd too. I mean, a Chapter controls everything coming on and off its Homeworld pretty rigorously, surely they’d have suppressed the story way before it could have reached the ears of an offworlder, probably before it spread to most of the other city states too? Even if it did get out, it’d only be in one or two cases that would be quickly dismissed as just another tall tale (of which there are so many in the Imperium) by anyone hearing it. I just question that it would spread enough to reach the Inquisition and for them to react to it?......unless there was an Inquisitor already looking into the Chapter……?

I think it would be better to do it from the viewpoint of a report from someone, perhaps a local police force officer, to an administrative official of Cariz?


Aside from this, few little bits:

wanders the streets of the city of the mountain city of Cariz by night

typo.

It is said that any who see this spectre will hear their death in his roars and babblings.

I’d put ‘who listen to him for too long’ rather than ‘see’, I think everyone will be hiding at night fairly quickly :huh: Should be more scary too, perhaps have a few early cases where people have died of shock and fright?

the Spectre's appearance was heralded by lights and roarings from the mountains surrounding the city, and it is also whispered that other giants walk among the population, asking if it has been seen.

Are they really that dumb? Surely anyone who lives on an Astartes homeworld (where they know the Chapter is there anyway) is going to connect ‘giants’ to Space Marines? Also, might be better to clarify in the first sidebar that the populace knows nothing of how the Fortress Monastery extends into the mountains, otherwise again it’s a case of putting two and two together and realising that the ‘lights and roarings’ are something to do with the Prophets.




Wow, for me that was quite critical… :down:

Lysimachus

IG PC 33/40

Edited by Strike Captain Lysimachus, 08 March 2010 - 01:13 PM.


#35
Octavulg

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If I’m being entirely honest, however, I’m slightly disappointed with the second one. It’s quite factual where I was expecting something a bit more theatrical/classic horror story.


Lysimachus, I want you to be entirely honest. Worry less. :P

I've revised it to be more of what you expected (and more of what I had admittedly pictured), but it's now a lot longer...

I think bringing in the Inquisition is a bit odd too. I mean, a Chapter controls everything coming on and off its Homeworld pretty rigorously, surely they’d have suppressed the story way before it could have reached the ears of an offworlder, probably before it spread to most of the other city states too? Even if it did get out, it’d only be in one or two cases that would be quickly dismissed as just another tall tale (of which there are so many in the Imperium) by anyone hearing it. I just question that it would spread enough to reach the Inquisition and for them to react to it?......unless there was an Inquisitor already looking into the Chapter……?

I think it would be better to do it from the viewpoint of a report from someone, perhaps a local police force officer, to an administrative official of Cariz?


Cursed Founding Chapters endure more scrutiny than most Chapters, and honestly I think most Space Marine Chapters endure a fair amount of Inquisitorial oversight (though not necessarily with their knowledge). Plus, the Bronze Prophets are rather hands-off in their home world management. I'm sure they watch in-system traffic fairly carefully, but otherwise I doubt they worry too much.

Are they really that dumb? Surely anyone who lives on an Astartes homeworld (where they know the Chapter is there anyway) is going to connect ‘giants’ to Space Marines?


Not necessarily - they don't see Space Marines often at all, and most public appearances would be quickly mythologized and blown out of proportion. Plus, this is a superstitious feudal population.

Look at the population in Deathwing and how often they saw the Marines.

Also, might be better to clarify in the first sidebar that the populace knows nothing of how the Fortress Monastery extends into the mountains, otherwise again it’s a case of putting two and two together and realising that the ‘lights and roarings’ are something to do with the Prophets.


Added a nice bit where everyone who stumbles upon such things disappears (likely Chapter serfdom).

EDIT:

Updated the "Spectre of Cariz" sidebar.

Edited by Octavulg, 08 March 2010 - 03:50 PM.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

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"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#36
Captain Juan Juarez

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In addition to the prophetic gifts of their own Librarians, they also eagerly seek out other potential sources of information about the future and its prediction...


I may be making things needlessly complicated, but have you consider some form of contact with Eldar Farseers; a la Ravenor?

EDIT: Oh, also, pink!? :huh:

Edited by Captain Juan Juarez, 08 March 2010 - 04:15 PM.

" They made you to be untouched by God or mortal. As I cannot kill you, so I curse you, not with death but with life.

I curse you - with the pain of ten thousand days in the Dark Place, with the life's blood of a mage's sacrifice, with Death's authority held in my hands.

I curse you, and I strike your name from history, stripped of arrogance and pride, empty of the self you once knew, gutted of all you are. I take your name and all you have won by the strength of your hand. I curse you for eternity, to find only darkness where once you knew your own face.

And I dub you the Ragged Man."

#37
Ecritter

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I'm not even going to try to go over the writing, its just not my style .. not saying it isnt' good, but I tried with the Ice Lords and it just doesn't work for me.

Now the color scheme, and your reasons for it .... just don't make sense. When I think Bronze Lords I see bronze (brown) and perhaps a bit of greenish patina trim. White and pink ... just doesn't work for me.

But in the end its your chapter and color is the least of concerns. At least its original.

#38
Captain Juan Juarez

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But in the end its your chapter and color is the least of concerns.


I think it's a large concern, as it doesn't fit what i consider would be the character of the Chapter.

I had envisioned more of a burnished gold - despite them being Bronze Prophets.
" They made you to be untouched by God or mortal. As I cannot kill you, so I curse you, not with death but with life.

I curse you - with the pain of ten thousand days in the Dark Place, with the life's blood of a mage's sacrifice, with Death's authority held in my hands.

I curse you, and I strike your name from history, stripped of arrogance and pride, empty of the self you once knew, gutted of all you are. I take your name and all you have won by the strength of your hand. I curse you for eternity, to find only darkness where once you knew your own face.

And I dub you the Ragged Man."

#39
Octavulg

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CJJ:

I may be making things needlessly complicated, but have you consider some form of contact with Eldar Farseers; a la Ravenor?


Haven't read Ravenor. I have pondered adding some stuff about involvement with aliens, but the IA feels pretty full as-is - it's over 4000 words, and 5000 is usually a good limit. And I think they've got enough secrets as-is without adding secret alien dissections and information exchanges.

EDIT: Oh, also, pink!? huh.gif


Lavender. Which is a very light purple. What? I like the color scheme. Wanted to do it with the Praetors of Orpheus. Turns out they had a (remarkably similar) scheme. So here we are.

* * *

Ecritter:

I'm not even going to try to go over the writing, its just not my style .. not saying it isnt' good, but I tried with the Ice Lords and it just doesn't work for me.


Fair enough. Anything particular you can put your finger on? Or is this an example of the way I feel about Fritz Leiber?

Now the color scheme, and your reasons for it .... just don't make sense. When I think Bronze Lords I see bronze (brown) and perhaps a bit of greenish patina trim. White and pink ... just doesn't work for me.


Prophets. Bronze Prophets. And I know what you mean (though it's lavender. Lavender). The chapter symbol will involve a rather large bronze aquila (among some black elements), if that helps. There is going to be a decent amount of bronze on all of them.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#40
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I look forward to seeing the Bronze Prophets then.

#41
Captain Juan Juarez

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Octavulg,

The scheme looks pink on my monitor, I tells ya!

RE: the Ravenor bit - He consorts with Eldar, particulary a Farseer, because of their prediction abilities (or whatever you want to call them). Theoretically you don't have to go down the sinister dark secret route, but if you think the IA is full already.. Cool ;)

Edited by Captain Juan Juarez, 08 March 2010 - 05:13 PM.

" They made you to be untouched by God or mortal. As I cannot kill you, so I curse you, not with death but with life.

I curse you - with the pain of ten thousand days in the Dark Place, with the life's blood of a mage's sacrifice, with Death's authority held in my hands.

I curse you, and I strike your name from history, stripped of arrogance and pride, empty of the self you once knew, gutted of all you are. I take your name and all you have won by the strength of your hand. I curse you for eternity, to find only darkness where once you knew your own face.

And I dub you the Ragged Man."

#42
Grand Admiral Thrawn

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I'm going to have to repeat the pink sentiment. I whipped up my own Bronze Prophet with REAL lavender on it :huh:
Real Lavender.

Now, on to the meat and potatoes.

It is said that it was this pleasure that was their downfall

I think "pride" would be a better word instead of "pleasure".

with which he swore he could see the true path for the chapter and the Imperium

"chapter" should be capitalized.

(and by extension the Bronze Prophets and even the Imperium)

Get rid of the parenthesis and replace them with commas. Parenthesis tells the reader that what is contained within is useless information that can be omitted.

their eyes rot away, and their minds rot with their eyes.

I think the second "rot" could be replaced with "disintegrate" so I'm not reading it twice in the same sentence.

city states

This should be hyphenated. "City-states."

Duchies and republics, petty empires and anarcho-syndicalist communes, all vie against each other with pike, sword, and other, stranger weapons.

There should be a comma after "empires" and no comma after "communes".

The people are united only by their faith, and the commonalities of architecture, thought and language it has brought.

How can the people be united if they constantly fight each other?

and its extensive archives have been eyed covetously by many in the Inquisition for the variety of knowledge they possess on the subject of psychics, prophecy and the Emperor.

There should be a comma after "prophecy".

known as the Halls of the Blind to many outside the Chapter and as the Auguria to the Marines themselves, sits within the large Church complex within the largest city on Pawrath

Doesn't the Church belong to the Ecclesiarchy? If so, why would they allow the Chapter to set up shop within their holy building, especially with the Space Marines' tendency to deny the divinity of the Emperor?

(though, of course, the Bronze Prophets are closer than most).

Get rid of the parenthesis. Replace the left one with a comma and get rid of the right one.

no doubt at least partly due to the influence of the people of their home world, who are if anything more obsessed with the same practice.

There should a comma after "who are" and after "anything".

Information is ammunition.

Wicked awesome quote.

(as well as their conduct off the field)

Again with the parenthesis! Replace with commas.

The Marines of the chapter enjoy using their gifts to taunt and toy with the enemy, and seem to take an almost perverse delight in allowing their enemies the apparent opportunity to escape - though their prophetic gifts make it nearly-impossible for the enemy to do so. Sometimes, however, this has been known to cost the Prophets what would have been an easy victory, a fact that does not seem to diminish their cruel tendencies in this regard.

I really like this paragraph. I would suggest adding "to a humiliating defeat," after "this has been known to cost the Prophets what would have been an easy victory".

So far I'm really liking this Chapter, especially the PINK and white color scheme going on. It's a nice twist from the usual Librarian fetish that I often see when someone tries to make them and prophecies the focal point of his or her article.

#43
Heru

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The weapons they bore weapons were the best a wealthy man could buy

The second weapons needs removed.

And in regards to the colour scheme, that is most certainly a pink (as is the bar at the top). What Grand Admiral Thrawn posted is proper lavender.
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#44
Octavulg

Octavulg

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A general note on the color scheme:

Firstly, lavender is defined on Wikipedia as "a light pinkish purple", among other things. So even if it is overly pink, it's still lavender. The term is widely variable. It may not be your lavender, but it is a lavender.

Secondly, the proportions of red and blue in the color above are roughly equal. The proportions of red and blue in pink involves about 25% more red than blue (using #FFC0CB as pink). I may have a light magenta (indeed, I probably do). I do not have a pink. There's too much blue.

Thirdly, the color in question, Delta Ceramcoat's Lilac Dusk, is considered a highlight to Grape, Royal Fuchsia and Magenta, none of which sound likely to be pinks. It is definitely purplish. It may also be pinkish, but it's purpitude is pronounced.

I found the actual bottle, and have adjusted the color closer to reality. It will still seem pink to some of you, and I must strive to console myself with the knowledge that I am right, and you are all wrong. ;) That and liquor should see me through. :)

* * *
GAT:

I think "pride" would be a better word instead of "pleasure".


Pleasure sounds morally weaker. Pride is a strong, powerful emotion. Pleasure is weak, and sybaritic, and open to corruption. It also has ssssssibilantsssss.

QUOTE
(and by extension the Bronze Prophets and even the Imperium)

Get rid of the parenthesis and replace them with commas. Parenthesis tells the reader that what is contained within is useless information that can be omitted.


...No they don't. It tells the reader that it's supplementary information, which isn't strictly necessary. Not reading the information in parentheses is a good way to miss context.

And looking at what I have in parentheses (which is the plural form, BTW), supplementary-but-not-strictly-necessary seems to describe it pretty well. :)

I think the second "rot" could be replaced with "disintegrate" so I'm not reading it twice in the same sentence.


Literary conceit, meant to make it sound all ominous and important. See Genesis 1:1.

There should be a comma after "empires" and no comma after "communes".


Read it aloud. "Duchies and republics (pause) petty empires and anarcho-syndicalist communes (pause) all vie against..."

A more common example: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages...

How can the people be united if they constantly fight each other?


Those are the ways in which they are. In every other way, they are not. Union need not be a total thing.

There should be a comma after "prophecy".


Not necessarily.

Doesn't the Church belong to the Ecclesiarchy? If so, why would they allow the Chapter to set up shop within their holy building, especially with the Space Marines' tendency to deny the divinity of the Emperor?


The building is within their building. I suspect they were offered the choice of moving first, or not. Considering the fact that the Chapter would be well within their rights to kick them off the world entirely, this seems a fairly good deal.

Wicked awesome quote.


Not mine. General Adam Steiner in Battletech. Its companion quote is "The hell with information! Ammunition is ammunition!" which is a response to the frequent quoting of the above by a Tech Sergeant in the General's regiment. It occurs to me that they may actually thus be from the Battletech cartoon series. This fills me with dread. Oh well. It's still an awesome quote.

A lot of the quotes are references to various things. It's fun. :P

I really like this paragraph. I would suggest adding "to a humiliating defeat," after "this has been known to cost the Prophets what would have been an easy victory".


I like leaving the range of consequences open. This way, I've got everything from "hard victory" to "massive loss that takes decades to recover from".

So far I'm really liking this Chapter, especially the PINK and white color scheme going on. It's a nice twist from the usual Librarian fetish that I often see when someone tries to make them and prophecies the focal point of his or her article.


Purple. And thank you. I think it helps that I set out to write about the prophecies/fallen librarians, not about functioning ones.

Anything I'm not arguing with you about, I fixed, BTW. Thanks very much. ;)

* * *
Heru Talon:

The second weapons needs removed.


Fixed. Thanks. :HQ:

* * *

IA updated. Writing and colors revised.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

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"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#45
Heru

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I can only think of one other Chapter that has lavender in it's colourscheme... the Pretty Marines.

Though admittedly your lavender is more pinkish than theirs is. :D

Edited by Heru Talon, 09 March 2010 - 02:52 AM.

My Chapters (Blue) & Traitors (Red):
gallery_20677_1567_12051.jpg
1st Row: Falcon Knights, Darkwatch, Silver Scorpions, Phantom Hounds, Onyx Warlords, Wicked Gods, Wolves of Horus, The Blight, The Bloodborn
2nd Row: Iron Raptors, Immortals, Imperial Monarchs, Starbreakers, The Shadow Kings, The Fallen Lords, Black Wasps, Black Oracles, Dream Eaters

#46
Octavulg

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Then clearly, I am in exalted company. :D

Edited by Octavulg, 09 March 2010 - 02:50 AM.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#47
voi shet magir

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Red Scorpions are grey. The Rainbow Warriors are blue.

#48
Captain Nightengel

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The city-states of Pawrath vary wildly in governmental styles and favored methods of warfare, but all eagerly prosecute the struggles between them with abandon. Duchies and republics, petty empires and anarcho-syndicalist communes, all vie against each other with pike, sword, and other, stranger weapons. The people are united only by their faith, and the commonalities of architecture, thought and language it has brought.

Whatever the Bronze Prophets may think of the beliefs of the people, their Fortress Monastery remains a silent observer of all these things. The Fortress Monastery, known as the Halls of the Blind to many outside the Chapter and as the Auguria to the Marines themselves, sits within the large Church complex within the largest city on Pawrath. Though initially the citizens were sure that this was a sign of divine blessing for the city, and that the Space Marines would aid them against their enemies, it soon became clear that the choice was driven far more by the city's central location and large population base than any other consideration. Other than for recruiting parties to leave and enter, the walls of the Auguria do not open to the outside. It only watches, its presence reminding the people equally of their duties to the Emperor and the consequences of failing in that duty.

The population of the planet has little contact with the Prophets, looking at them as something between protectors, demons and gods. Many former Chapter Masters and Captains are preserved in the memory of the population as mystical heroes and villains. Their only real interaction with the Chapter is during recruitment drives, which are conducted as trials of strength and skill in every city. These trials will be organized by the local authorities under the direction of a Chapter representative. Those who succeed will be taken to the Auguria for further training. Those who fail remain in the cities, ever dreaming of their lost chance to serve the Emperor.


I don't know it may just be me but this screams ancient Greek. Bronze age type culture, warring city states, coastline, prophets/oracles, gods watching the people. With the addition of the Church its like Christianity in Greece. Might not have intended this or perhaps I am reading to far into the home world culture but it seems as if you ripped the Greeks off earth and added some Christianity. Not all that original imo could change it a bit maybe add deviations perhaps something to throw off some of the Italian/Greek base.

Of course there arnt an infinite amount of cultures to draw influence from but just my two cents.

Edited by Captain Nightengel, 09 March 2010 - 08:56 AM.

"A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshiping we are becoming."
 
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#49
Octavulg

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I don't know it may just be me but this screams ancient Greek.


There's definite overtones, I admit. I added the island chains bit to muddy it up a bit instead of it just having be Renaissance Italy.

Bronze age type culture, warring city states, coastline, prophets/oracles, gods watching the people.


Dunno where you got Bronze Age culture. The prophets are bronze, but among other things the sidebar mentions Carizian steel. Working out what the god(s) want has been something of an obsession in many cultures down the ages, Renaissance Italy included at times. Plus, I would have said the whole "united only by the Church" thing tied them more toward medieval Europe than Bronze-Age Greece (if only because religion did not have the same dominance of thought in at least some parts of Greece).

With the addition of the Church its like Christianity in Greece. Might not have intended this or perhaps I am reading to far into the home world culture but it seems as if you ripped the Greeks off earth and added some Christianity. Not all that original imo could change it a bit maybe add deviations perhaps something to throw off some of the Italian/Greek base.


The Greeks? I ripped the Renaissance Italians off Earth, cranked up the religiousness (though not as much as you might expect, honestly) and added some Space Marines. :P

The culture in this case isn't supposed to be that original - Renaissance Italy fits well both with the subject matter that inspired the story, with the kind of world necessary for the Chapter, and with my own personal foibles. Honestly, the culture works pretty well straight and is the sort of thing that could naturally arise. In this case, I'm OK with it not necessarily being that original.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#50
Captain Juan Juarez

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There's not really alot of original ideas left, really, so its a case of tweaking and putting together in interesting ways.
" They made you to be untouched by God or mortal. As I cannot kill you, so I curse you, not with death but with life.

I curse you - with the pain of ten thousand days in the Dark Place, with the life's blood of a mage's sacrifice, with Death's authority held in my hands.

I curse you, and I strike your name from history, stripped of arrogance and pride, empty of the self you once knew, gutted of all you are. I take your name and all you have won by the strength of your hand. I curse you for eternity, to find only darkness where once you knew your own face.

And I dub you the Ragged Man."





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