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IA: Bronze Prophets

Octavulg Loyalist IA Cursed Founding

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#51
Captain Nightengel

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Ahh now I see it. I was tired read the whole thing and passed over that little bit, my mistake might want to emphasize their tech level a little more but ambiguity does have its touches. :P

Humm I see what you are trying to do with the Renaissance Italy theme, perhaps I was reading into it a bit far. Thanks for clearing that up it was a very enjoyable read I must admit.

Cheers
"A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshiping we are becoming."
 
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#52
Lysimachus

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Ok, had a look at the second sidebar and it’s much, much better. However, you’re right, it’s waaaaay too long. Remember your Spiderman anecdote (that’s right isn’t it……? ;) ).
Some areas to possibly cut it down:
The first and last paragraphs could easily be simplified into one, or the last one could come out all together. I think the bit about the Duke’s daughter could be cut, and the bit about the armour too. Also, I wonder if it might be more scary if the Spectre doesn’t need to fight with it’s hands at all?

EDIT: I hope you aren’t offended but I was thinking about this all day and ended up doing my own version in my head so I figured I might as well put it up just in case it’s in any way useful. Feel free to use all/some/none

The Spectre of Cadiz
Inquisitorial authorities have noted with interest a popular rumour which has of late surged through the cities of Pawrath, believing that it may hold some clue as to the truth at the heart of many of the legends surrounding the Bronze Prophets Chapter. Inquisitor Terpsichor Govannin has submitted her intention to proceed to Pawrath to conduct a more thorough investigation. Below is a transcript of information provided to Rogue Trader Takeshi Maisonneuve by a local source 9.172.982.M41.

Dozens of years ago, the first man saw the Spectre. We did not know it at the time, of course – he was found dead in the street by his house one morning, his face contorted and his eyes wide. No one knew what he had seen. Then, some days later, another man was found. Then a woman, her baby squalling over her terrified corpse.

Each new sunrise revealed more and more corpses until finally, the Duke of Cariz himself was forced to set out with his personal guard to find and destroy the night terror. They stalked the darkened streets, peering into the shadows, hands on their sword hilts, fingers on the triggers of their off-world pistols. They came to the Plaza of the Dukes, and it was there they saw the monster.

It sat on the edge of a fountain, clad in a torn and tattered hooded robe. Its frame was fully half again the height of a man, but the flashes of its body beneath the robe revealed that it was gaunt, nearly a skeleton. From the dark hood poured a constant stream of imprecations and twisted, nonsense sayings, sayings that nonetheless seemed to echo with meaning in the ears of the Ducal Guard. The survivors claimed that although nothing they heard made any sense to them, with each word that spilled from the creature's mouth another guard turned grey with fright, running screaming into the night or collapsing incoherently to the ground, riven by terror.

Only the Duke himself, a brave but somewhat unimaginative man, could bring himself to approach further. He stood before the beast and raised his pistol and it was only then that the creature seemed to notice his presence. It raised its head and for a moment the Duke was able to look the monster full in the face. For one horrible moment the rambling stopped and its voice became terrifyingly clear, though only the Duke was close enough to hear its words. With a whimpering cry, he collapsed to the ground. As he lay gurgling on the cobblestones, the beast stood, peering from the darkness of its hood at the remaining guards. As one, they turned to flee, suddenly sure that life as cowards and traitors to their lord could be no worse than the fate the awaited them in that dark square.

To call it living is hardly truth, however. Many died over the next weeks by their own hands. The Duke, found the following morning lying alone and gibbering in the plaza, sits even now in a tower, where he has lived ever since, whispering of ‘things only blinded eyes can see’. His son rules the city in his name, now, and will be Duke some day.

And at night we lock our doors, and hope the Spectre passes by.



Two hundred-ish less words and (hopefully) still gets the idea across? Anyway, like I said if it's no good, ignore it entirely! :tu:


IG PC 34/40

Edited by Strike Captain Lysimachus, 16 March 2010 - 12:52 PM.


#53
Captain Juan Juarez

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Going to say I like the second version, that of Strike Captain Lysimachus, out of the two.
" They made you to be untouched by God or mortal. As I cannot kill you, so I curse you, not with death but with life.

I curse you - with the pain of ten thousand days in the Dark Place, with the life's blood of a mage's sacrifice, with Death's authority held in my hands.

I curse you, and I strike your name from history, stripped of arrogance and pride, empty of the self you once knew, gutted of all you are. I take your name and all you have won by the strength of your hand. I curse you for eternity, to find only darkness where once you knew your own face.

And I dub you the Ragged Man."

#54
Ace Debonair

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Well, both sidebars are good. Lysimachus' edit is a more concise retelling, but I liked the line:

The Duke sits even now in a tower, where he has lived ever since, calling the empty air by his daughter's name.


in the original, because it's more personal to the duke, making it a bit more believable. And also because it's a bit more...spooky. :P
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#55
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”The Spectre of Cariz”

Inquisitorial authorities have noted with interest a popular rumour which has of late surged through the cities of Pawrath, believing that it may hold some clue as to the truth at the heart of many of the legends surrounding the Bronze Prophets Chapter. Inquisitor Terpsichor Govannin has submitted her intention to proceed to Pawrath to conduct a more thorough investigation. Below is a transcript of information provided to Rogue Trader Takeshi Maisonneuve by a local source 9.172.982.M41.

Dozens of years ago, the first man saw the Spectre. We did not know it at the time, of course – he was found dead in the street by his house one morning, his face contorted and his eyes wide. No one knew what he had seen. Then, some days later, another man was found. Finally, the daughter of the Duke of Cariz himself, Baratzia the Fair, was found with her guards – only she had survived, and her mind was destroyed by the horror of what she had encountered. She babbled of a giant demon, and a curse of the Emperor, and clawed at her rescuers, begging to be freed. It is said the Duke himself freed her from the torment her life had become that night, before setting out with his personal guard to seize the monster's head.

There were fifty of them, that night. Their armor was crafted in the finest steel, smelted in this very city and forged into perfect plate in Valisi. The weapons they bore were the best a wealthy man could buy – and the Dukes of Cariz have always been wealthy. They stalked the darkened streets, peering into the shadows, hands on their sword hilts, fingers on the triggers of their offworld pistols. They came to the Plaza of the Dukes, and it was there they saw the monster.

It sat on the edge of a fountain, clad in a torn and tattered robe, its frame fully half again the height of a man. The flashes of its body beneath the robe revealed that it was gaunt, nearly a skeleton, and from its mouth poured a constant stream of imprecations and twisted, nonsense sayings – sayings that nonetheless seemed to echo with meaning in the ears of the Ducal Guard. The survivors claimed that nothing they heard made sense to them, but it seemed as though with each word that spilled from the creature's mouth, another guard ran screaming into the night or collapsed incoherently to the ground, riven by terror. Only the Duke himself could bring himself to approach the monster.

He stood before the beast and raised his pistol, and it was only then that the creature seemed to notice his presence. It raised its head and for a moment the Duke was able to look the monster full in the face. For one horrible moment the rambling stopped and its voice became terrifyingly clear, though only the Duke was close enough to hear its words. With a whimpering cry, he collapsed to the ground. As he lay gurgling on the cobblestones, the beast stood, peering from the darkness of its hood at the remaining guards. As one, they turned to flee, suddenly sure that life as cowards and traitors to their lord could be no worse than the fate the awaited them in that dark square.

They were wrong. Many died over the next weeks by their own hands. The Duke sits even now in a tower, where he has lived ever since, calling the empty air by his daughter's name, telling it ‘things only blinded eyes can see’. His son rules the city in his name, now, and will be Duke some day.

And at night we lock our doors, and hope the Spectre passes by.

Inquisitorial authorities have noted with interest a popular rumour which has of late surged through the cities of Pawrath, believing that it may hold some clue as to the truth at the heart of many of the legends surrounding the Bronze Prophets Chapter. Inquisitor Terpsichor Govannin has submitted her intention to proceed to Pawrath to conduct a more thorough investigation. Below is a transcript of information provided to Rogue Trader Takeshi Maisonneuve by a local source 9.172.982.M41.


Definitely using this. Story closes much better.

Dozens of years ago, the first man saw the Spectre. We did not know it at the time, of course – he was found dead in the street by his house one morning, his face contorted and his eyes wide. No one knew what he had seen. Then, some days later, another man was found. Then a woman, her baby squalling over her terrified corpse.


I'm keeping the daughter angle. Feels more gothic, somehow.

Each new sunrise revealed more and more corpses until finally, the Duke of Cariz himself was forced to set out with his personal guard to find and destroy the night terror. They stalked the darkened streets, peering into the shadows, hands on their sword hilts, fingers on the triggers of their off-world pistols. They came to the Plaza of the Dukes, and it was there they saw the monster.


Shortened my own version of this, but kept some of the detail. Felt more "storytelling" and less matter-of-fact.

Only the Duke himself, a brave but somewhat unimaginative man, could bring himself to approach further. He stood before the beast and raised his pistol and it was only then that the creature seemed to notice his presence. It raised its head and for a moment the Duke was able to look the monster full in the face. For one horrible moment the rambling stopped and its voice became terrifyingly clear, though only the Duke was close enough to hear its words. With a whimpering cry, he collapsed to the ground. As he lay gurgling on the cobblestones, the beast stood, peering from the darkness of its hood at the remaining guards. As one, they turned to flee, suddenly sure that life as cowards and traitors to their lord could be no worse than the fate the awaited them in that dark square.


Used this almost entirely.

Two hundred-ish less words and (hopefully) still gets the idea across? Anyway, like I said if it's no good, ignore it entirely! tongue.gif


It's now much better than the original was, and much shorter, but it still keeps a bit of the flavor that felt appropriate for a story from credulous merchants. :D Ended up about 150 words shorter.

Thanks very much, Lysimachus. It is now much better, and it's your fault...no, wait. That's not right. But something like that, anyway. :)

Edited by Octavulg, 12 March 2010 - 02:52 PM.

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#56
Lysimachus

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No worries, I'm delighted to be able to help! ;)

It's now much better than the original was, and much shorter, but it still keeps a bit of the flavor that felt appropriate for a story from credulous merchants.


Agreed, the mix of the two is better than either. We should work together more often... B)

Edit: Small point, just noticed, you've not changed the first paragraph of the sidebar, doesn't make any difference really, just wasn't sure if you'd changed your mind about using it or just forgotten to swap it over...?

Edited by Strike Captain Lysimachus, 12 March 2010 - 02:38 PM.


#57
Octavulg

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That's a forgotten, right there. Oops. Fixed.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

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"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#58
Lysimachus

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Ah, glad I pointed it out then! :P

Sorry, just noticed one other:


Only the Duke himself could bring himself to approach the monster.


sounds a bit odd, cut the first?

Edited by Strike Captain Lysimachus, 12 March 2010 - 07:55 PM.


#59
Octavulg

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Fixed in the text document. I'll update the post itself in time, but doing it for one word always bugs me.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

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Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#60
Ace Debonair

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His son rules the city in his name, now, and will be Duke some day.


I think perhaps the humble comma is over-represented in this sentence. It's from the current incarnation of "The Spectre of Cariz”, just near the end.

No other errors revealed themselves on this read-through. Excellent stuff!
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#61
Captain Juan Juarez

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His son rules the city in his name, now, and will be Duke some day.


I think perhaps the humble comma is over-represented in this sentence. It's from the current incarnation of "The Spectre of Cariz”, just near the end.

No other errors revealed themselves on this read-through. Excellent stuff!


As Grand Master of the Ordos Comma I demand removal of the offending articles!

Edited by Captain Juan Juarez, 13 March 2010 - 01:58 PM.

" They made you to be untouched by God or mortal. As I cannot kill you, so I curse you, not with death but with life.

I curse you - with the pain of ten thousand days in the Dark Place, with the life's blood of a mage's sacrifice, with Death's authority held in my hands.

I curse you, and I strike your name from history, stripped of arrogance and pride, empty of the self you once knew, gutted of all you are. I take your name and all you have won by the strength of your hand. I curse you for eternity, to find only darkness where once you knew your own face.

And I dub you the Ragged Man."

#62
Lysimachus

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Is this submitted yet? One day to go! :D

#63
Octavulg

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Submitted a few days ago, actually. :D

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

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Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#64
Sigismund Himself

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Feedback, late as usual ;) I blame uni and the cold weather we're having making me want to sleep (it almost reached 10˚C :blink: ).

They can see what you see not...vision milky then eyes rot...when you turn, they will be gone...whispering their hidden song... - Excerpt from the heretical ramblings of the 'prophet' Melchior Keb

Very cool. Though I would change the first sentence to either just 'They see...' or'...what you cannot' as it flows better IMO.

The destruction those wounds wreak may leave nothing.

Takes a few reads to get the correct meaning of this sentence, you may want to consider rewording.

The Bronze Prophets' Librarians were some of the most puissant the Imperium had ever seen, and their gifts at foreseeing the future almost unparalleled.

Perhaps you should mention again here that this is according to the legends, otherwise sounds a little MISS.

In dark corners of the Imperium, it was whispered that the power and might of the Prophets heralded the dawning of a new era for the Imperium, and that their capability, honor, and foresight might be a sign of the Emperor's return.

Unneeded comma before the 'and' before 'foresight'.

Such mutterings drifted to the Bronze Prophets' ears, and they were pleased. It is said that it was this pleasure that was their downfall.


This reads a little weakly to me. "they were pleased" in particular stands out and there isn't enough use of the word "hubris" :P

The spirit of the Emperor is said to contain the very stars themselves. All the knowledge of the universe, that ever was and ever will be. Would that we could witness such a thing. - Montress the Golden, Chief Librarian of the Bronze Prophets

Not sure the first sentence really makes that much sense or is that powerful when you say it. Second sentence, I think after the first comma it needs an 'all' again.

Sometimes alone, and sometimes with the help of other Librarians, he looked back in time to the very dawn of the Imperium itself, to see what was now lost to the knowledge of Man.

Not sure I like the use of the first comma here. Also I think that 'see' could be replaced with something a little stronger.

He knew them all, and the weaknesses inside their minds, and the Bronze Prophets used these weaknesses to win victory after victory.

Not liking the use of commas and 'and' here, it just makes it a really choppy sentence.

They looked forward into the future, and back into the past at the same time, and at the same time as that they looked nowhere at all.

'at the same time' is repeated close together.

The city-states of Pawrath vary wildly in governmental styles and favored methods of warfare, but all eagerly prosecute the struggles between them with abandon.

Perhaps replace 'them' with 'each other'?

Many former Chapter Masters and Captains are preserved in the memory of the population as mystical heroes and villains.

I htink 'mythical' would work better than 'mystical'. And villains? :huh: Perhaps given the faithful nature of the planet saints would be appropriate?

These trials will be organized by the local authorities under the direction of a Chapter representative.

Perhaps organised by the Imperial Church? Would save the marines a fair bit of effort.

They see the predictive abilities of psykers as the means by which humanity can ensure its eventual triumph over its enemies, and see their own remarkable gifts in this area as a sign both of the Emperor's favor and of their superiority to humanity in general, and even to other Adeptus Astartes.

This sentence drags on a fair bit.

Not sure on the lengthy sidebar about the beast. It doesn't seem to add that much itself to the IA/chapter. I didn't read through the rest of the replies in this thread but I'm guessing it has something to do with the inspiration for this chapter.

Anyhow, once again a beautiful chapter :tu: Just a few little fix ups and it's pretty much ready for the Librarium.

#65
Ferrus Manus

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I blame uni and the cold weather we're having making me want to sleep (it almost reached 10˚C ).


You wouldn't make a very good Brit then would ya? :)
 
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#66
Octavulg

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Very cool. Though I would change the first sentence to either just 'They see...' or'...what you cannot' as it flows better IMO.


You young whippersnappers need to play Diablo, that's what you need!

Hell, I need to play Diablo again.

Excuse me. I'm going to go find my perfectly legal backup copy.

Takes a few reads to get the correct meaning of this sentence, you may want to consider rewording.


Revised to: "and the destruction of our wounds leaves nothing behind."

Perhaps you should mention again here that this is according to the legends, otherwise sounds a little MISS.


They're a Cursed Founding Chapter. It's an occupational hazard. ;)

Unneeded comma before the 'and' before 'foresight'. & Such mutterings drifted to the Bronze Prophets' ears, and they were pleased. It is said that it was this pleasure that was their downfall.


Actually, I ended up greatly revising this whole paragraph at the suggestion of Apothete.

"In dark corners of the Imperium it was whispered that the might of the Prophets heralded the dawning of a new era for the realm of Man. Even in the halls of power and the palaces of the mighty, the unwise and the foolish swore to each other that the capability, honor, and foresight of the Chapter might be a sign of the Emperor's return. With their gifts the Chapter soon came to know of these thoughts, and what they heard pleased them. It is said that this pleasure was the seed of their downfall."

Not sure the first sentence really makes that much sense or is that powerful when you say it. Second sentence, I think after the first comma it needs an 'all' again.


Perhaps if I change it to 'mind' instead of spirit? Good idea on the 'all'.

QUOTE
Sometimes alone, and sometimes with the help of other Librarians, he looked back in time to the very dawn of the Imperium itself, to see what was now lost to the knowledge of Man.

Not sure I like the use of the first comma here. Also I think that 'see' could be replaced with something a little stronger.


Cut it back to just: "He looked back in time..."

Not liking the use of commas and 'and' here, it just makes it a really choppy sentence.


Another Apothetal revision:

"He knew them all, and the weaknesses in their thoughts, and the Bronze Prophets used those weaknesses to win victory after victory."

And, well...it kind of is a choppy sentence. Without those commas, the flow gets very wrong very quickly.

'at the same time' is repeated close together.


"They looked forward into the future, and back into the past, and at the same time as that they looked nowhere at all."

Another Apothete revision. :) I really should have updated.

Perhaps replace 'them' with 'each other'?


"The city-states of Pawrath vary wildly in governmental styles and favored methods of warfare, but all eagerly prosecute their fratricidal struggles with abandon."

I htink 'mythical' would work better than 'mystical'. And villains? huh.gif Perhaps given the faithful nature of the planet saints would be appropriate?


Swtiched to "nigh-mythical". In regard to villains - Space Marines are not always kind masters. Saints might be appropriate, but then I'd have to explain how the Ecclesiarchy feels about all that - and the Space Marines have

Perhaps organised by the Imperial Church? Would save the marines a fair bit of effort.


No. The BP are slightly too secular. Well, perhaps not secular. Perhaps more that they're not particularly eager to outsource things to the Church.

This sentence drags on a fair bit.


Shortened to: "They see the predictive gifts of psykers as the means of humanity's eventual triumph, and see their own remarkable capacity in this area as a sign both of the Emperor's favor and of their superiority to both humanity and other Astartes."

Not sure on the lengthy sidebar about the beast. It doesn't seem to add that much itself to the IA/chapter. I didn't read through the rest of the replies in this thread but I'm guessing it has something to do with the inspiration for this chapter.


Oh, Sigismund...

What must the Spectre be?

Anyhow, once again a beautiful chapter thumbsup.gif Just a few little fix ups and it's pretty much ready for the Librarium.


Dandy. Fix-ups hopefully provided...

EDIT:

Thanks very much for the critique, BTW. :)

Edited by Octavulg, 18 June 2010 - 08:17 PM.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#67
AlexCrute

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Hi Octavulg, I must say your IA efforts are most enjoyable.

Question (and admission of blunt-mindedness): What's the yellow stuff on the chapter badge? And the significance thereof?
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#68
Octavulg

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It's a modified version of the symbol of torment (well, one of them) from Planescape: Torment. It's a weeping woman with very long hair. My version, of course, has no eyes. :)

Edited by Octavulg, 01 July 2011 - 04:52 AM.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#69
AlexCrute

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Aha, now I see it. The lamentations of their womenfolk and all that, very good.

Still, it's not very clear is it? I'm looking at the icon in a resolution approximating a tank-size decal and I (having not played Planescape: Anything) had no hope of figuring out what it was. Multiply my difficulty by a factor of six* or so for shoulder-pad size. Icons are supposed to be iconic (which has something to do with 'clear', 'universal' and 'obvious' I'm pretty sure). Enlarge and simplify the icon, for the love of shiftless forum-addicts like myself.

Also, a woman with no eyes? Is there a particular blind female librarian or chapter master of note in the chapter's history (notable for reasons besides gender)? Is it the mad Duke's daughter? Why is she the chapter icon?

The icon's gender begs explanation and the explaining would take some doing I think, as well as add an unnecessary and distracting hook.

SUGGESTION ALERT

A genderless, eyeless soul (turning the hair into soul-stuff) would raise fewer questions. Or (I'm trying not to sound excited) square the jaw a bit and then include a throwaway line somewhere of someone whispering in his early career that Montress the Golden was the very image of Sanguinius, golden mane of goldilocks and all**.

*I wonder what impossible x 6 equals. Is there a mathematician in the house?

**Do not use the term goldilocks in your article, I beg you.

Edited by AlexCrute, 01 July 2011 - 08:05 AM.

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#70
Octavulg

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Prompted by Madwolf liking the first post... thanks.gifsmile.png

Updated the text. Revised the Origins quote, Montress' quote and the geneseed quote. Revised Montres' section a little, too (no, I did not rip off the Moirae). Reworked a lot of wording generally - should read a bit better.

Oh, and AlexCrute, I hope a year and a half isn't too late to agree that, at minimum, a larger version of the icon would probably be a good idea. msn-wink.gif

Though I'm not sure I'll mess with it too much. It was enough of a pain getting it superimposed over the eagle. I mean, I did that in Paint.

Edited by Octavulg, 07 March 2013 - 07:14 AM.

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#71
Messor

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Quite a fun read. I didn't pick up on much more Cask of Amontillado besides Montress, besides the setting on Pawrath, was there more? I snagged one typo for you: no worse than the fate the awaited them in that dark square.

And my comment probably wouldn't be complete without saying it looks pink(Red vs Blue wouldn't have let me keep quiet anyway), but it doesn't seem particularly jarring(speaking from experience, as you well know).

Also, what was your process for making the icon? Recoloring the original and erasing/covering the extra bits, or did you draw it all from scratch? I wouldn't have recognized it without hearing what it was. Knowing that, it looks fine, if on the small side. Otherwise, it just kind of looks like a rune that has no meaning except to the Chapter.

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#72
Madwolf Shadowmane

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Glad to prompt.  I read it at your suggestion in my IA thread and I liked it.  I see what you mean by less detail, but I haven't decided what to make vague in my IA.

 

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#73
Octavulg

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Messor

Quite a fun read. I didn't pick up on much more Cask of Amontillado besides Montress, besides the setting on Pawrath, was there more?

Not really, other than the original writing style (which may or may not have been preserved by this point. This is something like the fifth draft). Glad you enjoyed it.

I snagged one typo for you: no worse than the fate the awaited them in that dark square.

Will be fixed when I can bring myself to edit the post. I swear I fought with the coding for over an hour.

And my comment probably wouldn't be complete without saying it looks pink(Red vs Blue wouldn't have let me keep quiet anyway), but it doesn't seem particularly jarring(speaking from experience, as you well know).

Dammit! MATH SAYS IT'S PURPLE! tongue.png

Also, what was your process for making the icon? Recoloring the original and erasing/covering the extra bits, or did you draw it all from scratch? I wouldn't have recognized it without hearing what it was. Knowing that, it looks fine, if on the small side. Otherwise, it just kind of looks like a rune that has no meaning except to the Chapter.

Color the symbol of torment gold. Chop it in two. Overlay the Imperial eagle over one half, then overlay the other half over the eagle.

I think. It's been a while.

* * *

Madwolf

Glad to prompt. I read it at your suggestion in my IA thread and I liked it. I see what you mean by less detail, but I haven't decided what to make vague in my IA.

I don't really remember whether I had anything particular in mind, honestly. I think I might have. I'll take a look in the near future.

You know the link to the Hounds in your sig is broken, right (as are the others, at that)?

EDIT: Having checked it out again - it's more a tone thing than an actual detail thing. Your IA tells us the way things are, when it should be telling us the way people think things are - exact same information, slightly different presentation. Imperial sources should be uncertain, speculate about meanings, that sort of thing.

Edited by Octavulg, 08 March 2013 - 04:58 AM.

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#74
Firepower

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A fun read smile.png The one thing that stuck out to me was this sentence:

Whatever the Bronze Prophets may think of the beliefs of the people, their Fortress Monastery remains a silent observer of all these things

I would just stop at 'observer.'

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#75
Shinzaren

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But their prowess was not limited to the battlefield. The Bronze Prophets' Librarians were some of the most puissant the Imperium had ever seen, and their gifts at foreseeing the future almost unparalleled. They took the myriad strands of the future and wove them to form a tapestry which pleased them, letting the Emperor guide them toward the best course of action. Indeed, these gifts of prophecy were a large part of what allowed the Bronze Prophets to achieve their great successes on the battlefield. Nonetheless, their talents were not limited to mere prediction - stories of Bronze Prophet Librarians striking enemy fighters from the sky with their minds and annihilating men with a word still echo in the ears of the enemies of Man.

Did the Inquisition fear them? Apparently they are/were the most psychic Chapter since the 1000 Sons, and we all know how that turned out. Was anyone investigating them before their issues became apparent?
 

In dark corners of the Imperium, it was whispered that the power and might of the Prophets heralded the dawning of a new era for the realm of Man. Even in the halls of power and the palaces of the mighty, the unwise and the foolish swore to each other that the Chapter’s victories were a sign of the Emperor's return. Such mutterings drifted to the Bronze Prophets' ears, and they were pleased. It is said that it was this pleasure that was their downfall.

How famous were they exactly? This describes them as being well-known across the entire Realm of Man. Apparently everyone was in awe of these guys, from peasents to Governors? How did they get so famous? Winning battles is what Space Marines do, so how did your Chapter become famous amongst these storied legions of warriors?
 

The Chief Librarian of the Bronze Prophets was Montress the Golden, a man whose powers surpassed even those of his abnormally powerful brethren. Montress was a gifted soothsayer and powerful psyker, eager to scry beyond the limits which bound his compatriots. He looked back in time to the very dawn of the Imperium itself and forward to times where even the stars would fade away. It is also said that Montress reached out and touched the minds of the enemies of Man – Orks, Eldar, heretics, and the darkest of aliens that are only whispered of today. He knew them all, and the weaknesses inside them, and the Bronze Prophets used those weaknesses to win victory after victory. But still there was knowledge he did not possess, and he grew obsessed with touching the mind he knew contained the knowledge of the future of humanity itself – the mind of the Emperor.

While awesome, this seems like a little too much awesome... Eldrard Uthren vs Montress the Golden. Who is better? This paragraph suggests that Montress would crush him like a gnat. I understand that the idea is to build his pride, skill, and arrogance up for the inevitable fall, but this is a lot of skill and pride.
 

Together, they reached out across the fullness and breadth of space and time, twisting the fabric of reality with their efforts, reaching for the Astronomican and the mind of their Lord and ultimate creator. They looked forward into the future, and back into the past at the same time, and at the same time as that they looked nowhere at all. And as they raised their heads, triumphant, their very eyes poured from their heads as dust, and their sanity poured away with it.

This is amazingly cool.

 

Unsurprisingly, it is by the prophetic abilities of their Librarians that the Bronze Prophets define themselves. They see the predictive abilities of psykers as the means of humanity's eventual triumph over its enemies, and see their own remarkable gifts in this area as a sign both of the Emperor's favor and of their superiority to humanity in general, and even to other Adeptus Astartes.

Proud as Astartes are, does this lead to conflict with other chapters? With the Inquisition or the Church? Their views are unique, and in the Imperium, the unique nail gets hammered hardest...

 

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That whole sidebar was amazing. Seriously, a perfect addition to this IA.

 

Their reliance on the visionary gifts of the Librarians is correspondingly immense. Librarians will be consulted for many decisions made by Marines, whether personal decisions or choices which affect the whole chapter. In addition to the words of their own Librarians, they also eagerly seek out other potential sources of information about the future and its prediction – the tunnels beneath their Fortress-Monastery are reputed to be full of tome after tome of ancient prophecy, some accurate, some merely the ramblings of madmen. All of it is analyzed and searched for meaning before being stored in the Chapter Librarium, as are the many other tomes they discover in their hunt for prophetic lore. Those Marines who do not possess prophetic gifts themselves still often participate in the interpretation of the prophecies of others, and many of the chapter’s greatest leaders have lacked the gift of sight themselves.

They don't look down on non-psykers? Seems like they would, since they see themselves as more evolved and closer to the Emperor for being psychic. Also, the whole eye-melting thing didn't change their views at all? 
 

Generally speaking, the Bronze Prophets are a Codex chapter. The predictive gifts of the Librarians are not easily utilized in tactical combat, where the battle can be over before a Librarian can determine what route will secure victory. Thus, the Chapter follows the Codex Astartes and maintains dedicated adherence to its principles of warfare.

They don't predict the strategies and outcomes of battles/wars? I would assume they would use their foresight most prevalently here, aiming to outmaneuver and prepare for the future of each fight?
 

The Librarians of the Bronze Prophets are found throughout the chapter in combat roles, providing a valuable role in assisting their brethren in battle. Their oracular gifts are used to do what the chapter knows their enemies will not expect, and also to bolster the abilities of warriors in combat. Bronze Prophet Librarians have been recorded as producing a wide variety of effects in their compatriots, ranging from the swiftness of an Eldar to maniacal rage to increased potency of weapons and armor.

No shooting fire from their hands, lightning from their arse, and thunder from their eyes? If they were able to drag fighters from the skies, they clearly possess some offensive psychic talent. Why is it absent from here?
 

The amazing power displayed by the Librarians is coupled with an unusually short service life - few Librarians seem to see more than a century of combat before they disappear from public view. This, of course, only adds to the dark rumours surrounding the eventual fate of Chapter Librarians.

 If they keep burning out, why do they rely on them so heavily? Seems like an unreliable system.
 

The Bronze Prophets prefer to use their psychic gifts and psychological warfare against an opponent instead of direct force. A few days of being constantly outmaneuvered is usually enough to break the morale of any force, and the Prophets see this as a key component of ensuring their victories. Often Chapter Librarians will reach out to touch the minds of their enemies, wracking the foe with demoralizing nightmares and visions before a final, crushing, assault.

How do they combat foes like the Tyranids, Necrons, Daemons, and the like? What is their strategy against enemies that aren't vulnerable to psychic assault and whose actions can't be planned, or who suffer no psychological warfare effects? 
 

The Marines of the chapter enjoy using their gifts to taunt and toy with the enemy. They seem to take an almost perverse delight in allowing their enemies the apparent opportunity to escape - though their prophetic gifts make it nearly impossible for the enemy to do so. This has been known to cost the Prophets what would have been an easy victory, a fact that does not seem to diminish their cruel tendencies in this regard.

Again, what of enemies that can't be intimidated, frightened, etc? What do they do then?

 

I like it Octy. Like all your IAs, I like it a lot, and it was hard to find anything to criticize. I tried to find something to ask about, but it was hard. Another well written IA. I like the psyker angle, and you have managed it well. 







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