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[LI01] Alt-Heresy IA: White Scars WIP


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#101
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Just a brief word to say the White Scars article has been fully updated, and I'm thankful for the comments. I'll look to update the copy of the version in this thread and post it in Liber tomorrow.

#102
Aurelius Rex

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Great news, Phil! It looks like there will be two articles completed on the same weekend. <_< I hope your interview went well, by the way!

Would you mind if we get to see the new update before it goes live on the main board? I have been proofing the hell out of the Thousand Sons IA this last few days and it has thrown up loads of changes even after several passes. A fresh pair of eyes is always useful, and if you can I promise to get you feedback within a day! :D
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Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#103
Aurelius Rex

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Have to say that the article looks absolutely brilliant, Phil! :tu: It is an excellent addition to the Dornian Heresy. :D

I have some comments, but they are fewer than the changes I had to make the last time I proof-passed the Thousand Sons article, so you are doing better than me! Unfortunately tonight is a complete disaster area, but I will get them to you ASAP.

Again, great work, mate! :D
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Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#104
Sigismund Himself

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Looking forward to seeing this unleashed upon the Liber, Phil :D Great work.

#105
Aurelius Rex

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This is the first part... please bear with me.

+++

Though a trusted friend to the Warmaster, it was Jaghatai Khan’s fate to fall to the clutches of Slaanesh. The Dark Lord of Ecstasy enticed the White Scars’ Primarch with promises of material wealth, power and, above all else, freedom from the confines of the Imperial war machine. Their betrayal was as swift as their attacks and equally devastating; bringing a tear to the eye of the sternest warrior. Since the decline of Jaghatai into his own pleasure and luxury, his Khans terrorise the Imperium with lightning strikes; each a mockery of The Emperor they used to serve. [The rest of the introduction is good, although the last sentence sounds a little wobbly by comparison. How about something along the lines of "Though Jaghatai himself has long-since lapsed into the decadent and ecstatic (sp?) repose, his Khans still terrorise the Imperium with etc..."]

+++

Sensing the power and potential of his son, Ong heeded the young Jaghatai's words, approaching many tribes under banners of peace. Initially few gave them presence in their camps, deeming such friendships signs of weakness, a plea for aid. Countless times the Talskar had to prove their strength in arms to be allowed to leave alive. But, against the odds, and eased by the smooth tongue of Jaghatai, a fledging alliance grew around Ong and the Talskar. Unfortunately many still refuted this new nation and war continued to rage across the Empty Quarter. When brute force did not achieve the desired result, raiders of the Kurayed tribe ambushed the Ong and Jaghatai. Father and son fought back-to-back, the last two remaining souls of their hunting party. Skill and courage won the day and the two returned to their encampment more determined in their quest. Reinvigorated, the united tribe prospered, gaining from each other’s strengths more flocked to the banner. [This sentence needs some work... probably just an 'and' before 'gaining' and a comma after 'strengths.] Soon they lived an ease of life [This line sounds a bit off to me.] which had not been seen upon the steppes before, where food could be promised and children were allowed to play. Jaghatai was held as a champion of the times, holding true to the ideals and virtues of his teachings. Even as this young nation bloomed to life, fate would play heavily against it.

+++

The Palatine was not a foolish man; he knew full well the strengths and weakness of his enemy like all great commanders. As vanguard to his army, a force of diplomats visited the tribes, offering money, horses and countless luxuries if they refused to take to battle. The campaign of subterfuge and bribery succeeded in the [This word isn't needed. ]turning the heads of Ong’s allies, leaving the Talskar alone on the battlefield. Though they had been abandoned they fought like beasts. They were almost slaughtered to a man before they fled the battlefield. The few who were able to retreat were left to do so in peace, the broken ranks of the Palatine unwilling to pursue further into the field of blood. Unfortunately for the tribesmen, amongst the survivors was Jaghatai, a son who had lost his father and a man who had seen his dream shattered by the weaknesses of others.

+++

More tomorrow. :)
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Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#106
Aurelius Rex

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Part 2. Sorry this is taking longer than I expected - my car looks like it is going to need replacing imminently so I have been rushing around madly looking for the best option. Urgh! This is going to cost me!

+++

The legends of the Aŭdac took form from these horrors and by taking their rights of conquest in armour, horses and women, the Talskar grew in strength. Not even a united force, like the one Jaghatai himself had dreamt of, could withstand their fury, their warlord Temüjin slain by the Primarch’s own hand.
[Although you have mentioned Audac as an alternative name for Jaghatai before, but I am concerned that it might confuse the casual reader. For simplicity's sake, would it be clearer to call him Jaghatai? In the second sentence the name Temujin is included, but I did not register that he had been mentioned elsewhere to show that he deserves the namecheck. I assume he is an important warlord among the empty quarter, and guess he is a namecheck from your researches into Genghis Khan, but here it just seems to be an odd dangling reference. Would 'their warlords slain one by one to the great Jaghatai Khan'?]

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Without council from those who he respected, such as Horus and Mortarion, he took the responsibility of each and every death, either brother, ally or foe - all his own personal sins. [Would 'as' flow better there? On another note, why does he feel guilt for the deaths of his enemies? It seems out of character, or at least an odd thing for a warrior-primarch to feel. Is there a reason for this aspect of him, as it is interesting and unexpected?]

+++

The item [ 'items']?which gained the lion’s share of the Khan’s pride was ['were']the twin pair of gauntlets named Mamonas and Avauras, who had been bestowed to him by the High Priest of Ikesentii. The jewel incrusted gages were of little combat use,['use in combat'?] their protection compromised by the golden weaving and the delicately placed stones, but the Great Khan had a decreasing need [How about 'but by then the Great Khan had little need...'?]for weapons of war, instead his vanity took dominance.

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The Dorian['Dornian'! :P ] Heresy

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Even when the ships warp engines failed, he would not be distracted from his obsession.
[I am not clear - was it the whole Scars fleet (or at least a sizable portion) or just Jaghatai's ship? If the former then it might be more accurate to say "... the fleet's warp...", or if the latter, "... the ship's warp..." ]

+++

He couldn’t remember a time when the two spirits didn’t guide ['hadn't guided'?]his way – a blessed gift from the Sky Father.
On the subject of the colourpiece itself, very good stuff! ;)

+++

The anti-air defences, in addition to the heavy shields, were left activated, the commanding officer realising the aggressive formation of the White Scars crafts.[I think you need an apostrophe after 'Scars' and isn't it 'craft' for more than one... like 'sheep'? Hey, if in doubt, there is always 'vessels'. :D ] Only the direct command of the Warmaster himself finally deactivating the systems; just in time for the arrival of the White Scars – one of Horus’s greatest errors. [Couldn't you leave out the red line there and just have 'It was one of Horus's greatest errors.' instead, which has more drama.]

+++

Horus yelled through his vox caster – his usual calm demeanour finally broken through the stress of the Siege of Terra. Whilst his men, and those of the other loyalist legions present, threw themselves at the walls of The Emperor’s Palace [You had almost the exact same phrasing at the start of the previous paragraph. Could one or the other be altered to avoid the replication, if not the intent? ]to rescue their father; this captain, this damn captain, refused to allow allies to land. Every second the anti-air defences remained up was a second the White Scars could not be fighting alongside him.

+++

[On a general note about their actions, it is not clear exactly what they did during the Siege. It is certainly more illustrative than the Scars IA in White Dwarf, but I am left wondering what they did that was of such note before they upped and left again. :) Did they take Dorn's bribe and then go off and do their own thing (more looting) or did they actually put their unique skills and speed to use harrying the loyalist legions in the flanks as requested or did they even tracking down The Emperor? After such a hassle getting there, it seems an anticlimax.]
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Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#107
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Temujin was Genghis Khan's name before he took up the title Genghis Khan.

As for their actions on Terra; all I had planned was that the Sons of Horus ranked up on mass and received the charge of the White Scars. The Sons won and the Scars fled. I just presummed that any more detail would be over the top; though I had the idea was Dorn just wanted Horus occupied and busy (which could be the reason he finally got into the Throne Room as there was a legion missing from the assault).

#108
Aurelius Rex

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As for their actions on Terra; all I had planned was that the Sons of Horus ranked up on mass and received the charge of the White Scars. The Sons won and the Scars fled. I just presummed that any more detail would be over the top; though I had the idea was Dorn just wanted Horus occupied and busy (which could be the reason he finally got into the Throne Room as there was a legion missing from the assault).

That itself sounds like a good reason. :lol: It doesn't come over as well in the article at the moment, but I am sure there is room in the wordcount for some more clarification along the lines of what you had above.

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"When I was a youngling, my father honoured me with his company on a hunt. He was a man many thought weak due to my teachings, my dreams. The vultures of the plains swooped down from their hidden perches, striking our party. Our strength in arms saw victory that day, but maybe it would have been better if my father had died instead of falling this night. ‘Words’ I told my father, ‘promises and pacts’ was the way forward, the way to unite the tribes, not by sword and bow. We shared our food, our gers and our horses; we gave and ask for nothing in return. I was wrong. Silent words and dirty handshakes have defeated the alliance, slain my father, your Khan. Tonight we take back our lands, our homes, our women. Tonight we unite the tribes through fear!"
[A very good colourpiece. My only quibble is the 'silent words' phrasing... perhaps 'Weasle' or 'whispered'?]

+++

Since the Heresy
Whilst the victorious Loyalists still wept at the death of The Emperor, the White Scars slaughtered world after worldWould it flow better to add '... and ransacked them for their riches.' . These targets were not at random, Relic worlds, Shrine worlds and Forge worlds all suffered from the lightning strikes of the Scars. Hundreds upon hundreds of planets were ransacked for all their wealth, , with countless treasures lost to the greed of Jaghatai before he finally retreated into the Heart of Chaos.



Jaghatai never set foot upon Chogoris again, seemingly forgetting his childhood home. The , but the fate of the planet is detailed extensively in the chronicles of Abaddon’s Crusades , after . After stabilising what remained of the Imperium;, the High Lord turned his gaze to the worlds of the Traitors. A combined force of Death Guard and Black Templar under the dead-eyes of Mortarion was given the honour of 'reclaiming'? Chogoris. The skeleton Not sure this word works well in this context... perhaps 'patchwork'?brotherhood abandoned by Jaghatai fought like wolves, alongside the endless tides of tribal horsemen and Palatine infantry. Still heeding the words of their Khan, none dared to question the rightfulness of their cause. Though their hearts were full of sorrow, the coming of the enemy meant Jaghatai, and indeed The Emperor had failed, they were the last warriors of His memory.

There would be only one result to this war; a triumphant Imperium. The tragedy of this conflict would only come to light when the few surviving White Scars were interrogated for the locations 'location'? of their Primarch. The defenders believed themselves the final guardians of The Emperor’s dream, the invading force, to them, were the traitors. As the truth was told, many refused to accept that their father could discard them. Others wept as it struck chords within them, their souls telling them all they needed to know. Those left by Jaghatai were those he was had beenunable to taint, those too noble , too 'and' (This is a judgement call - I know you were going for the poetic repetition here. :D pure. For their virtues, they had led their people into a massacre. A remembrance remembrancer of Abaddon’s fleet penned the words for this most harrowing of events; Chogoris, burnt to ashes, bloodied by war. Not an evil man fell that day, as the loyal fought the loyal. Quote marks or italics for this bit?

The first few millennia after the Great Betrayal, a daemon-centaur, claiming to be Jaghatai, led invasions into the Imperium, striking without warning and seemingly without logic. During this time, the beast commanded the legion to such horrors as the Red Highway Massacre, a feat which, even with their bitter hatred of one another, the Khornite Khornate ' Space Wolves respect as a martial conquest almost without comparison. As the centuries wore on, Jaghatai became increasingly distracted from his conquests, instead depending upon his Khans to fight in his name whilst he lived in ecstasy surrounded by treasures and pleasures. It has been many millennia since the Daemon Lord of Slaanesh 'Daemon Primarch of Slaanesh' might be a more specific phrasing which would differentiate him from other Scars that rose to daemon princehood. :Phas personally made war upon the Imperium, with many scholars believing he no longer truly commands his Legion.

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Many weaklings fail, their physical forms to too frail for the power of Jaghatai.

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There is one more post to go... I will complete it this evening or tomorrow.
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Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#109
Aurelius Rex

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I just e-mailed you the final section of feedback in Word format, Phil. You are right - it is much easier than doing it via bbcoded replies like above. Shout if you haven't got it. :)

I am really looking forward to seeing the article hit the board - I really enjoyed it and I am sure the others following the Dornian Heresy will too. :rolleyes:

John.
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Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#110
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All done. Thanks for the feedback - now to post to the real world. As for a couple of pointers for what has been changed to your questions -

Feeling sin in the deaths of his enemies;

Without council from those who he respected, such as Horus and Mortarion, he took the responsibility of every death, either brother or ally as his own personal failures. He even lamented the deaths of his enemies, when words had failed and force was necessary.


What they did during the SoT

At first, Horus refused to believe the reports which reached his command post but once Jaghatai had accepted the bounty of the Golden Palace; a prize which was rightly his after the promises of his father, and begun massacring the citizens of Terra, the Warmaster was forced to accept even one of his closest friends could betray him in these darkest of days

I know this seems like the real EC but it is meant to be a tactical move over a pleasure move. Enraging Horus and making him move against the Scars (Dorn happy to throw away the life of his little brother)

It is meant to be the Storm Lords - I thought it made sense they would be kings (or Lords) of the Stormseers.

#111
Aurelius Rex

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The line explaining the reason for his anguish over the deaths of those he killed in battle is very nice and adds a lot, I think. ;)

It makes sense about the Storm Lords being the head sorcerers (Stormseers), Phil. It is a nice nod to the successor chapter. ;) Having read it through a couple of times I suspected that it might be the case, but perhaps a few words to clarify the position would be worthwhile.

Have you managed to get your net access back, or are you still having to use the Uni library PC's? The last post was after ten at night, so I am guessing you have other sources of access now.
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Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#112
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Well, I'm going for the short story. We got the internet working but due to some frak up on their (virgin) end. This means I'm without the net until wednesday - bar Laura's blackberry which I'm only using to send this.

#113
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Have you managed to get your net access back, or are you still having to use the Uni library PC's? The last post was after ten at night, so I am guessing you have other sources of access now.

*Imagines Ferrata breaking into uni grounds, avoiding security Mission Impossible style just so he can get to the Library's computers to post IA*

#114
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Look Here

All I want now is some good names to replace "Great Crusade/Dornian Heresy/Since the Heresy"