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AH IA: Alpha Legion


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#26
Sigismund Himself

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Still looking for some feedback ;) I know John is still working on some but any more would be great.

#27
Aurelius Rex

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Sorry, Matt! I will get back to you this evening with some feedback. ;)
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Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#28
Ferrus Manus

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Something that stood out for me:

So when Dorn, the Emperor's Praetorian, came to his fellow Primarchs warning of Segmentum Ultramar's secession from the Imperium, many felt their views were vindicated.

Shouldn't there be a 'with' inbetween these two?

Otherwise I thought the overall feel of the article is excellent.
 
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#29
Aurelius Rex

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RL stopped any feedback yesterday - RL and in-laws... long story. :) I will put up the feedback in little chunks, but I will get there. :)

Regarding Manchurian Candidate Lysander revealed in the colourpieces, I really love this idea. To corrupt the first company captain of a Traitor Legion would be a massive coup for the loyalists, and take an enormous effort to get to work. Consequently, the payoff (betrayal of his legion) for this would have to be suitably impressive. Perhaps a side-effect of writing these DH articles, but in the colourpieces I was thinking that he could be thinking back to his harrowing torture from the Iron Warriors, and his subsequent escape, (just like the norm-'verse) and during his rememberances he remembers being dragged out of his cell to be tortured by blue armoured Astartes (the AL) and then corrects himself... of course they were steel armoured IW - what was he thinking! This would be a subtle hint of what really happened. All the while he is working in his command console, he is unconsciously downloading secret legion files about the defence of the base (Cadia? I am aiming to have it the IF / Black Legion's stronghold in real-space in their IA) to the Imperium.

There could be a second colourpiece detailing the Imperial attack on the Cadian system, which Lysander would have been in charge of defending, and as you have already, his turncoat personality surfacing at a vital moment and him attacking his own brothers. It could be a flip of 'Abaddon's' 13th black crusade in the norm-'verse, but it is the Imperium led by Abaddon's successor high lords assaulting Cadia.

I think that we have the scope to do something epic with this plotline - still restrict the word-count, but make it momentous! If you like, I have the image firmly in my head, so I can do the colourpiece(s) if you are interested. :)

More later.

John.
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Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#30
Sigismund Himself

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Matt: I think it works but my commas may be an issue in that sentence. I'll see what I can do to fix it. Thanks :lol:

John: The current payoff for Lysander's turning is the devastation of the Imperial Fists' Grand First Company, the loss of many Legion relics and the information on the Legion/Cadia's defences which occurs at Malodrax, Lysander previously having been planted as First Company Captain during the Haddrake Tor disaster. If you feel that that isn't enough or I should increase the payoff (or make the link you suggested with Cadia and the crusade) I'll try and include that. It might work better as the length of the colourpiece was threatening to overwhelm...

#31
Aurelius Rex

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John: The current payoff for Lysander's turning is the devastation of the Imperial Fists' Grand First Company, the loss of many Legion relics and the information on the Legion/Cadia's defences which occurs at Malodrax, Lysander previously having been planted as First Company Captain during the Haddrake Tor disaster. If you feel that that isn't enough or I should increase the payoff (or make the link you suggested with Cadia and the crusade) I'll try and include that. It might work better as the length of the colourpiece was threatening to overwhelm...

It was unclear what you were intending from the colourpiece in the original post, but from the post above it is clear you have a plan.

The colourpieces can be problematic, as you only have a couple of paragraphs to get over a mass of information - or rather impart a lot of character in a very brief span. Because of that, I have found it important to pare down any irrelevant sub-plots and only focus on what is important. You could use the reader's knowledge of the norm-'verse Lysander's capture by Iron Warriors and his subsequent escape - converted here to his 'shell' thinking he had done that when it was in fact the AL.

Splitting it into two colourpieces might help the apparent length (one for the setup, another for some action showing him reveal his true colours).

Not certain what you are doing with Malodrax, but at the moment I'm not sure it has the punch of an assault on Cadia... unless of course you have it as an obvious teaser that it sets up the later loss of Cadia or at least significantly weakening the defences of Cadia.


As to the colourpiece with Fulgrim giving the AL the Hydra ring... I still think it is unclear what it is saying. If it is that Fulgrim is giving back a ring that Guilliman took from one of the dead brother primarchs Esk, which I think would be a nice nod to the twin primarch thing, then could a line about the survivor thinking of his brother's sacrifice be included? I think you have already explained this, but was there another meaning of the ring that I have forgotten? ;)


EDIT: Hmmm... Apologies for the post above - I was rushing to get it done before lunch was over and it covers things you already know, Matt. :(

Edited by Aurelius Rex, 01 June 2010 - 07:19 PM.

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Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#32
Sigismund Himself

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It's alright John, I need to be reminded of things in my old age :)

I've changed the Fulgrim colourpiece so he places the ring next to an identical one. I want to keep it fairly subtle if I can.

Changed the Lysander situation to match your recommendations and split it in two. I'm still drafting it though.

#33
Aurelius Rex

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Sorry for not giving better / more feedback on this, Matt. I have been finding it to be like wading through custard to get back into the swing of the Alt-IA's after the formatting hell of getting part one published. I spent so much time sequestered away on the PC during that time that I have consciously reduced the board time to make way for family time as payback.

However, things seem to be returning to a happy medium now, and I am even making headway with pulling the IH IA together on pater, if not on the board. I am also re-reading the selected bits of Legion to get back into the swing of the Alphas. From a previous reading I got the feeling that the reader was still not able to get under the skin of what the Alpha Legion were about - I know this might be intentional as they are the masters of lies and deceit, and the GW IA was intentionally vague, but there may be scope to make things more definite, as at the moment it is difficult to really empathise with what they are like and what drives them. I will get back to you on this more later - I promise. :tu:
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Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn