IA: Leopards Argent

[Ferrus Manus]

I think the Chapter is looking pretty good. I think all the main ideas are in place, now you just need a Lexicanium to go over it find all the issues that I'm just not qualified to point out.

You called....

Before I start 'Combat Doctrine' and 'Organisation' needs a banner.

 

Origins

 

The origins of the Leopards Argent can be traced back to the time of the Twentieth Founding when, in response to the growing eldar threat in the galactic south east, the High Lords of Terra commissioned a Chapter to purge these xenos from Imperial held space.

'Eldar' needs a capital it is a name. I don't like the word 'commission' doesn't seem to fit, I'd suggest maybe 'charged' or 'tasked' much more W40k.

Selecting geneseed from the noble stock of Roboutte Guillieman

I think the general accepted spelling is 'Roboute Gulliman.'

Given a small fleet and enough arms to begin their crusade

Sentence fragment. Either link with previous sentence or change the start of it.

Lucian was regarded highly for not only his tactical skills was also a strong beleiver in the ideal of unity through diversity.

Sentence doesn't read right, I think you need a 'but' after skills. Spelling mistake in bold. Also, in the next sentence.

As such he would often learn of and follow the planets native culture, to a degree.

Needs an apostraphe.

Many of these new recruits brought with them some of the cultural practices from their homeworlds and the Chapter embraced such diversity, after it had been examined and approved by the Chapter's Chaplains.

Eh, I'm not sure. I think diversity can lead to conflict, that's way generally chapters indoctrinate their aspirants.

The crusade would finally end when the Leopards assaulted and destroyed a small craftworld in the Pardus Nebula after a protracted siege aboard the space born city.

Needs an apostrophe

 

Homeworld

 

Whilst the planet was beautiful and lush it was also uninhabited. The Leopards had no ideal recruitment grounds to recover the Chapters losses with and, as such, thought the planet mostly useless.

Why take it as a homeworld then? Astartes need a constant supply of initiates.

Doting the planet were the ruins of an Iron Age civilisation that seemed to have completely vanished.

Iron Age doesn't work here as it applies to a previous period of our history. I'd suggest changing it to 'feral civilisation' or something along those lines.

 

Combat Doctrine

 

There is nothing in here that really adds to the Chapter, I'd suggest that you look at some of the IAs that are in the Librarium and see what sorts of things they have written about in that section.

 

Organisation

 

Nothing major

 

Beliefs

 

Thus it is the duty of the Leopards Chaplains to monitor these cultural trends to ensure they do not weaken the Chapter or, worse, spread the taint of Chaos to the Leopards ranks.

Needs an apostrophe

Some of these cultural rights, such as the totem worship of the island world Fyos, are declared hazardous to the Chapter and the recruits are mind scrubbed or simply released from service on a distant world.

Surely it would be easier to just not recruit from Fyos?

See above for my comments on diverse beliefs.

 

Geneseed

 

Although the Ultramarine geneseed is as pure as it is stable the Leopards Argent are beginning to discover slight failures in some of their implants, namely the Omophagea and the Betcher’s Gland. This has caused some alarm amongst the Apothecaries of the Chapter whom seek to discover the cause for this failure and try to halt it before organs begin to fail completely and the problems become wide spread.

Adds nothing to the Chapter.

 

+++++++++++++++++

 

The foundations are there now you just have to build upon what you have. There are a lot of grammatical errors when it comes to capitals. I would seriously suggest you read through and find them.

 

Hope that helps.

[Brother Argent]

Thanks alot Ferrus. This is still very much a WIP and its good to get a thorough going over in regards to the article. Grammar, as you can tell, has never been one of my strong points. Its like the mold lines of my writing. I intend to give it a good editing. Oh, and he reasons that those sections don't have headers is that I'm still in the process of redoing them. I've only given banners to the sections I've reworked. But looking at it now it does make it look fairly silly.

 

So thanks again and, hopefully in the next couple of days, I'll have a nice edited and spiffy IA here, I'll call it Version 2. (Or something).

 

Thanks again for all the help you've given me here Codex Grey, one of the main reasons I've kep on going with this, instead of it fading away like so many of my previous IAs. Anyho, to the Schemeatorium!

 

EDIT: Added IA image at start and my WIP Map of the Pardus Nebula. Map has kinda exploded formatting. Will hopoefully get the polish onto article soon.

[Brother Argent]

Okay so a couple of days became a month but whose judging. ;)

 

I have edited the whole shebang, formatted and added a few tidbits here and there. Not much different in content to last time but I'm looking to add a side bar or two perhaps later today. Anyway, let my know what you think.

[Ace Debonair]

Cool!

 

Are you still going to explain why things keep disappearing? :blush:

 

Apart from "strength through diversity", the disappearing act seems to be the only consistent theme with the chapter, so more on that could be fun.

 

I couldn't find any major flaws in this edition, but I am still rather a novice at such things.

[Codex Grey]

First of all, please limit yourself to maximum one dropcap per section. It just doesn't look good.

 

Origins:

Looks really good. I like the transition from crusaders to homeworld dwelling.

 

Homeworld:

The first part of the first paragraph begs to ask the question 'why on earth did they base themselves there then?'. Maybe if you added a small bit about them wanting a permanent base of operations.

I would also drop the last line about the Librarians studying the ruins and all. IMO just the single line saying that the world shows signs of an ancient civilization, is much more mysterious.

In the second paragraph, you forget to mention that the Honor Holds are remnants of their crusading years.

I'm not sure I like the whole feudal lords aspect. They're already watched closely by the Inq. regarding their recruiting methods.

 

Combat Doctrine: Good. I would completely drop mentioning the Black Templars though.

 

Organization: Very nice! Some small characterful differences, but still pretty much Codex. I like.

 

The rest looks good.

 

Overall, I very much like these guys. I'm glad to see people stick to their Chapter and continue develop it as you have done here, because it really pays off.

I'm also severely intrigued by the disappearing stuff. Will we ever get to know?

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

First of all, please limit yourself to maximum one dropcap per section. It just doesn't look good.

 

Seconded. Majorly seconded.

 

I think you need a banner or main header for the top of the article and move the official-IA-style chapter colour pic further down in the article, at the moment it's just a huge blocker for the text.

[Brother Argent]

Thanks guys. I noticed the drop cap thing myself and was thinking of changing it, but ended up being to lazy to. I still have to rewrite the Combat Doctrines section so the mention of the Black Templars will dissappear. I have actually mentioned why they settled on Caliga but people seem to keep missing it. In my mind a Chapter doesn't just rock up to a planet and say, hey this planet is ours now. I more see it as being given a planet by the Administratum and having to take what they are given. See the last paragraph in origins for this bit. The dissappearing stuff is going to remain a mystery for now. I will eventually write a bit of fiction explaining what happened (happens) at a later stage. For now I'm trying to get this done and polished.

 

In regards to the feudal lords thing. They haven't really established themselves as lords over the planet, just decided the planet is under their personal protection. The planets still have their official Governor etc. just that the Leopards take a special interest in the goings on in the Pardus Nebula. Most of the worlds there are recruitment worlds anyway so thats why the Leopards keep an eye on things.

 

Thanks again for the comments and sticking with me on this one. Good to know that every time I ressurect this Chapter I should get at least one comment from His holiness Codex the Grey :huh: . Uh, I'll go back to editing now...

[Dazzo]

Is that the actual chapter symbol in the above image or do they use somthing simpler on their armour.

[Brother Argent]

The Chapter symbol is just the Leopard head, not all the fancyness behind it. Just one simple, green leopard face. The termies have leopards print power fists as well. But the symbol is just the leopard face.

[Dazzo]

Thanks for getting back to me on this, I can use the tactical marine from the image you have posted but if you have the leopard head or a varient thereof on its own that would be great :)

[Brother Argent]

I do indeed have one somewhere on this computer. PM me your email or something and I'll send it asap.

[Magnus Thane]

Good job so far. ^__^

I like what you did so far.

[Brother Michaels]

i really like your chapter

 

nice job :) :)

[theredcorsair]

This is a fantastic chapter. It reads very well, but what you need is a personality or theme.