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IA: Iron Warlords


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#51
Ecritter

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Added a favor for the Adeptus Mechanicus.

Any comments on it or Captain Venture and "the Beast"?

Edited by Ecritter, 21 May 2009 - 07:32 AM.


#52
Octavulg

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In an Imperium set upon from all sides by vile alien races and the forces of chaos, a new warrior chapter rises to counter the continuing threat. From the seed of Rogal Dorn, a new breed of cold, unfeeling space marines are born. With skill and drive, the Dragoon enter the war with one goal ... to completely destroy those that stand against the Emperor. They have but one simple rule, if you're not a space marine, you're scum and if you stand against the Imperium you must die. There can be no exception to the rule.


IAs are formal writing - don't use contractions.

Also, Iron Dragoons is not an appropriate name for a Space Marine chapter. They're a Chapter. Not Dragoons. Same reason chapters aren't called the Steel Grenadiers, Bronze Hussars or Zinc Light Horse.

Though if you change their name to the Zinc Light Horse, I'll be acommodating. :)

Chapter Master Lucas Karn was severely wounded and much of his chapter fell in the battle, but the Dragoon's had proven themselves in battle. Time healed the wounds and the Chapter took recruits from the most harsh of worlds as it traveled, allowing the Dragoons to rebuild its forces and spread its story throughout the galaxy.


Spread its story throughout the galaxy?

Young girls are also taken from these worlds, being the most acceptable of the lesser beings. They are raised and taught to be serfs of the Dragoons. These women are the only non-marines allowed within the fleet.


Why?

This is just a little creepy, honestly. And not in the good way.

* * *

Interesting ideas, hamstrung by excessively informal writing and a lack of elaboration. IAs are formal writing - use a formal tone, which avoids contractions and colloquialisms. Also raises the question of why a Marine chapter that thinks only Marines are worthwhile would bother fighting at all. And where they would get this idea - a point you have not explained well.

Edited by Octavulg, 21 May 2009 - 02:07 PM.

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#53
Ecritter

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IAs are formal writing - don't use contractions.

Also, Iron Dragoons is not an appropriate name for a Space Marine chapter. They're a Chapter. Not Dragoons. Same reason chapters aren't called the Steel Grenadiers, Bronze Hussars or Zinc Light Horse.


Contractions gone, except in quotes.

You disappoint me. I expected you comment on how you hate Dragon chapters and tell me I miss spelled it over an over. Name changed.

Spread its story throughout the galaxy?


Gone.

Young girls are also taken from these worlds, being the most acceptable of the lesser beings. They are raised and taught to be serfs of the Dragoons. These women are the only non-marines allowed within the fleet.

Why?

This is just a little creepy, honestly. And not in the good way.


As it says, of all the lesser being these are the most acceptable .... and marines do need serfs after all.


Interesting ideas, hamstrung by excessively informal writing and a lack of elaboration. IAs are formal writing - use a formal tone, which avoids contractions and colloquialisms. Also raises the question of why a Marine chapter that thinks only Marines are worthwhile would bother fighting at all. And where they would get this idea - a point you have not explained well.


As stated in the beliefs, the Guard hold the Emperor in the highest regards ... they fight for him.

#54
Ecritter

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Major changes to "Belief" sectoin.

Guard as godless marines added.

Relationship to women explained.

Relationship to Chaos Marines expanded.

#55
Telveryon

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Faithlessness seems to be quite prevalent these days, it does cut out most of the explanations about their relationship with their primarch and the Emperor unfortunately it comes with more baggage then it eliminates. Moreover, your premise is flawed from the get go. Only a small minority of chapters worship a god, and when they do it's either the Chaos gods or the Emperor, the others follow a form of ancestor worship or variation there of.

Now about the baggage it does bring. The first and most important one is the "why?" Why are they faithless? It's a very big thing, just plunking it down and say they're faithless isn't going to cut it. I've spent well over a year coming up with a half decent reason for faithlessness in my own chapter, you should come up with one too. Also, you should explain how does the faithlessness affect them, how does it affect their relations with the Ecclesiarchy, the Inquisition and maybe even the Mechanicus.

Also the reason about only women being taken as serfs seems a bit strange, if they are lifegivers, the first building blocks of a space marine, then why take them away to a place where they can't procreate?

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#56
gil galed

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I'm not sure about the change to iron warlords, it's a bit to close to Iron warriors and the Iron lords for my liking...

#57
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Faithlessness seems to be quite prevalent these days, it does cut out most of the explanations about their relationship with their primarch and the Emperor unfortunately it comes with more baggage then it eliminates. Moreover, your premise is flawed from the get go. Only a small minority of chapters worship a god, and when they do it's either the Chaos gods or the Emperor, the others follow a form of ancestor worship or variation there of.

Now about the baggage it does bring. The first and most important one is the "why?" Why are they faithless? It's a very big thing, just plunking it down and say they're faithless isn't going to cut it. I've spent well over a year coming up with a half decent reason for faithlessness in my own chapter, you should come up with one too. Also, you should explain how does the faithlessness affect them, how does it affect their relations with the Ecclesiarchy, the Inquisition and maybe even the Mechanicus.


Faithlessness dropped, it was only in to explain their beliefs on the Chaos gods.

Also the reason about only women being taken as serfs seems a bit strange, if they are lifegivers, the first building blocks of a space marine, then why take them away to a place where they can't procreate?


A few things to consider.

1. Space Marines need serfs

2. Those serfs must be worthy, the Iron Warlords think anyone not a Space Marine is unworthy ... however women hold a unique position in their beliefs, so are acceptable.

3. The Iron Warlords aren't taking every woman in existance to be serfs, just a very small number ... plenty left to make little marines.

4. If serfs are not slaves as I believe, these women are free to leave the chapter.

I'm not sure about the change to iron warlords, it's a bit to close to Iron warriors and the Iron lords for my liking...


Unfortunately, the good Iron names are taken ... Iron Guard by the Imperial Guard, Iron Lords, Iron Skulls, Iron Warriors, Iron Knights ... and so on, by Space Marine Chapters. Iron Warlords is original, and varied enough from the others in my view.

Edited by Ecritter, 24 May 2009 - 05:24 AM.


#58
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I think the Iron Warlords are done for the most part, and I thank everyone that helped me build them.

#59
Telveryon

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If you think so, but I believe the chapter could do with some more details. Why did they reorganize? The Aurora Chapter are masters of the armored assault yet they are still a Codex chapter, moreover your own progenitors are adherents to the Codex's teachings, an early hard fought battle isn't exactly the best reason to chuck the Codex Astartes out the window.

Another thing that could use explaining is their view of the Chaos Space Marines. Many chapters have fought pitched battles against the chaos marines yet they hold nothing but unbridled hatred for them. Why do chaos marines inspire respect in your marines rather then burning hatred like it does in most if not all others.

Last but not least, you still haven't give a reason why do the Iron Warlords think so lowly of average humans. Because, in the end, it's the marines job to keep those lowly humans alive.

My advice would be to try and make your chapter a bit older, it would open a series of possibilities to better detail your chapter, you have to many strange things going on for such a young chapter.

Edited by Telveryon, 24 May 2009 - 09:32 PM.


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#60
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My advice would be to try and make your chapter a bit older, it would open a series of possibilities to better detail your chapter, you have to many strange things going on for such a young chapter.

I agree with this advise and was about to say the same thing. But I would also advice you to reduce the scale of their re-organization. Dropping a battle company to create a new one that basically fills a more specified, but similar role to the armory doesn't make much sense IMHO.

Combine a few more years of existance to gradually form a preferance for this type of warfare, with some not-so-drastic-but-small-and-characterful modifications to their Organization, and I think these guys are on their way to become that more believable, at least in my eyes.

#61
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How far back do you suggest? Would it be better if the Iron Warlords were an Aurora successor?

Edited by Ecritter, 24 May 2009 - 10:00 PM.


#62
Telveryon

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How far back do you suggest? Would it be better if the Iron Warlords were an Aurora successor?

23rd or 22nd should be reasonable, here's a link to a Founding time line, browse through it chose the one you are most comfortable with. Also, try not give a single great battle as a reason for the changes to you, try to draw it for as long as it seems reasonable, a conflict last centuries wouldn't much of a stretch. Ork speed freaks might be good opponents for your chapter or maybe the Iron Warriors.

Iron Gauntlet IA: Harbingers of Woe

Proud owner of the The Golden Defenders (everyone's favorite faithless bastards, favorite because I'm pretty sure their the only ones) and the Will of the Lost (everyone's second favorite skeletal marines, Apothete stole the limelight with his Black Friars)

#63
Ecritter

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Okay, how about this?

Use earlier founding, 22th or 23rd, or stay same.

Space Marines fought at Jucha were Iron Warrors (if earlier founding, have dealt with them several times)

Aurora Space Marines were involved in the battle, combined with the Chapter Master's previous position as Predator commander.

#64
Telveryon

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Ok, now I'm going to give you the best advice I can: don't rush things! You don't have to write the IA right now, it took me over a year to get the Golden Defenders where they are now, Octavulg's Ice Lords are in the works for over a year and a half. Leave them for a while, start another IA if you really wish (not really recommended though), then return to them and add new things that you've thought up and remove bit you no longer like or need. If you wish, I can PM you two links to show you how much can six months of musing over a chapter can improve the quality of your IA.

Edited by Telveryon, 24 May 2009 - 10:55 PM.


Iron Gauntlet IA: Harbingers of Woe

Proud owner of the The Golden Defenders (everyone's favorite faithless bastards, favorite because I'm pretty sure their the only ones) and the Will of the Lost (everyone's second favorite skeletal marines, Apothete stole the limelight with his Black Friars)

#65
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Not a rush, my long life and training has taught me to absorb and adapt.

I'll mull over the ideas and do some more work on it tonite.

#66
Marshal Rohr

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The Iron Knights participate in a Feast of Blades with other Imperial Fist Successors. Don't have them as Ultramarines successors, it doesn't make sense, even if it doesn't say they arn't IF's.

Your opinion is important, and someone posting here probably does care what you think. You should go tell them. Remember that it really hurts to come up with an idea you care about and have no one else care. Go care about something and tell them what you think. Now. Think of what it would have meant to you when you were young.

 

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#67
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Okay a few changes made.

Changed to 22th Founding

Added working with Aurora Chapter in the long Campaign to push Iron Warriors from sector.

#68
Telveryon

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Just about every other chapter has the whole "my guys fought alongside these cool guys and they like so much how the cool guys fought that they copied them". Why not have your chapter fight alongside a chapter that is diametrically opposed to the Aurora Chapter, say the Hawk Lords, who specialize in Thunder Hawk insertion, or the Invaders, which prefer the the Drop Pod, who would need another chapter to either pin the enemy down until their arrive or provide heavy fire support since they couldn't carry much of the due to the method of insertion.

Iron Gauntlet IA: Harbingers of Woe

Proud owner of the The Golden Defenders (everyone's favorite faithless bastards, favorite because I'm pretty sure their the only ones) and the Will of the Lost (everyone's second favorite skeletal marines, Apothete stole the limelight with his Black Friars)

#69
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Cause that would make even less sense then it does now after the last change.

#70
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I have a marine painted now, I've updated the pic in first post to show how he's really painted now.

I still need company specific logos for the left shoulder before he'll be completely finished, any ideas?

Edit.

Okay I have a left shoulder for 3rd Company (the tactical marine I painted), but still need for Lancers and Grenediers. I'll have to make at least elements from those three companies to field an army.

3rd Company

Posted Image


Edited by Ecritter, 25 May 2009 - 09:02 AM.


#71
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Well, its been quite a while and Octavulg never replied to my message .... so I'm wondering if my chapters will ever be acceptable?

#72
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Well I have read this a couple of times and decided to see if I could get this thread going again as I truly believe that alot of hard work has been put into this chapter.

I noticed that the most controversial aspect of the chapter was the Ritual of Dominance and I think that we are all forgetting something here: The 40k universe is a sh*t hole (pardon my french). It is a place stricken by constant war, cruelty and evil. every Imperial subject must face massive hardships daily. I find it amusing that this is so offensive to all of you when, in the BL books, horrific acts of torture, hate, and multiple horrid acts are so vividly described. Although I do agree that in todays culture this would be highly unacceptable, we need to remember that 40k is not this culture. We are free to create whatever we wish in a vast and expanding universe of the future. I think that this ritual, while a little disturbing, perfectly reflects the widespread suffering of the 41st millennium and I think that it should be added again into the list of rituals that the chapter performs.

I like the idea and overall personality of the chapter and i do hope that this thread will be started up again so that this chapter may be completed.

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