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IA: The Red Lords


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#1
Ace Debonair

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Purity, Fire and Blood: The Red Lords
"The heretics do not deserve to meet us in combat. Have the Whirlwinds strike them down, Sergeant. Deny them that honour." - Chapter Master Mordrim Vaulther.


A tactical marine of the Red Lords 6th Company.
Posted Image


Early History

"Out of the grip of heresy will rise a new paradise, one free of repulsive Chaos. That is the task before us, and the Emperor bids us begin." First Chapter Master Ervard Brodin on the arrival of the Red Lords at the Rucio System.

The Red Lords were created during the Tenth Founding with the goal of thwarting the spreading shadow of corruption in the Galactic North. The chapter would be proud bearers of the gene-seed of Corax, and led by Ervard Brodin, former Captain of the Raven Guard's Second Company. A proud and zealous man, who put his duty before all else, he filled the Chapter with a determination to not only succeed in their missions, but to excel. As soon as the Chapter reached full strength, the Red Lords went immediately to the Rucio System to ward off possible taint of that region by the forces of Chaos. The system itself was near the border leading to Segmentum Obscurus, and would be the ideal place to start their campaign. Eager to prove themselves in their first mission, the Red Lords were utterly determined to transform the Rucio system into an incorruptible sanctuary amidst the darkness. The Chapter resolved that no one would escape their judgement - even the slightest of heretical infractions would find no forgiveness.

They began their purge of the Rucio System at Venicia, the outermost planet, and though no overt Chaotic influences were found, worship of the Emperor had grown to include a being known as Zecnat, Lord of Immortality. The Chapter noticed this obvious heresy and brutally purged all traces of Zecnat's worship from the planet, from worshippers to temples. They moved on through the system, at each world finding more heretics than the last. All met the same fate, much to the concern of Rucio's Governor-General, who grew increasingly nervous as the implacable marines approached his palace on Cestelion, the paramount planet of Rucio.

Cestelion should have been the jewel of the Rucio system, a devout paradise which dedicated its every action to The Emperor. But when they arrived, all the Red Lords could see about them was evidence of treachery. Shrines to Zecnat littered the cities and towns. Cultists roamed the streets unafraid, sporting the cult's insignia brazenly. The Governor-General was confronted by Chapter Master Brodin before the city's magnificent temple to The Emperor, and accused of allowing heresy to fester. The Red Lords stated simply that either all trace of Zecnat would be purged from the capital by sundown, or the entire city would be reduced to ash and rubble. The Red Lords pulled back from the city, and watched the gates intently. They made certain that nobody was able to enter the city or more importantly, to leave it.

As the day wore on, sounds of conflict begun to echo within the city, and the Astartes moved in. They quickly found that a large portion of the population had rebelled, fighting to the death in the name of Zecnat and defiling the Imperial churches. The Red Lords left the city, ignoring the Governor-General's plea for help. After citing the Governor's own weakness and impurity for the resultant corruption, the Red Lords fulfilled their promise by having their artillery reduce the capital to rubble and ash; the bodies of loyalist and traitor alike destroyed utterly beneath the pitiful remains of the city.

Chapter Master Brodin and his men saw this mission as a failure - that Chaos should take even the smallest of holds on a supposed bastion of the Emperor's will was an abomination. The Red Lords knew all too well now the fragility of the human mind, and how weakness of the mind could create more catastrophe than weakness of the body. The Red Lords renewed their vows to drive impurity from the Imperium, and to eradicate all traces of the taint of Chaos.

The Red Lords faced many insidious, secretive cults in their early days - enemies lurking within the heart of Imperial cities and forces, hiding like rats before the judgement of the Red Lords. Gradually, the chapter grew away from the ways of the Raven Guard, striking at targets boldly, almost daring their enemies to attack them in the open.

Mordrim Vaulther
"Either all days are holy, or none are. Either way, we must remain vigilant. There is no time for feasting or celebrations whilst impurity exists." Chapter Master Vaulther on banning the annual celebrations held on the day the founding of the chapter.

By the time Chapter Master Brodin was slain in battle many years later, it had long been decided his replacement would be First Company Captain Mordrim Vaulther. Vaulther was considered the 'voice' of a large faction within the Red Lords who were embittered with the failure of humanity to fight Chaos. Try though they might, the influence of the Enemy seemed to grow at every turn. Frustration at the lack of success in driving out Chaos turned slowly to contempt and anger in the hearts and minds of the Chapter.

With Vaulther's rise to power, he exercised his extraodinary charisma, winning all but a handful of the chapter completely to his ideals. The new Chapter Master had decided the only true bastion against the predations of Chaos were the Astartes. However even they, as the Red Lords were aware, could be fallible. From that time onwards, the Red Lords percieved themselves protectors of a fragile, foolish species. Vaulther concluded that if the Space Marines were all that stood against Chaos's domination, the fall of even a single Astartes not only weakened the chapter, it weakened the Emperor's grip on the Imperium - which was unacceptable. The new leader of the Red Lords vowed to do everything in their power to minimize losses in battle, and his men quickly altered their strategies to mostly include artillery strikes - from orbit or from the surface of a planet - to all but destroy an enemy force before closing for the kill. Only the few miserable beings that survived the explosive barrages would earn the glory of dying at the hands of an Astartes. Vaulther also proclaimed that rather than lurking in the shadows, like the despicable minions of Chaos, an Astartes should stand tall and proud - defying enemies to come forth and receive judgement. This last edict was the cause of much clamour and concern from within the chapter - were they not sons of Corax, the man who risked his own legacy for the sake of the Emperor and Imperium? The man who made shadows his domain and weapon of choice? However, over time Vaulther's eloquent speech and dedication to his principles wore down his opposition's misgivings - and the success of his approach could hardly be denied. Under his rule, the Red Lords flourished.

Vaulther's dedication to purity was absolute - banning celebration days from his chapter and insisting on at least two hours of every day spent in solitary meditation for every marine. In his mind, only purity marked the difference between the fallible minds of humanity, and the guiding light of the Astartes. It is a testament to his charisma and fervour that he was able to convince the chapter that his way was the only way. Many scholars assert that by this time the majority of Red Lords had lost faith in humanity and were easy to steer, though the truth of this is uncertain. In any case, even though Vaulther died in battle one hundred and ten years after his rise to power, the edicts he made whilst in charge have been enforced by chapter masters ever since.


Homeworld

"While meditating today, I remembered the place I came from. I remembered how the people quaked with fear at the thought of the Red Lords. As they rightly should. " Seventh company Sergeant Ulthur Gatlock.

Though the planet of Cestelion was almost completely purged, a few colonies of people who followed only the Emperor's truth remained. The same can be said of many planets in the Rucio system - here and there small colonies consisting solely of those found to be pure enough by the Red Lords cling to survival. It is from these colonies that the new recruits of the Red Lords are now drawn. Cestelion was a civilized world, with large, isolated cities. Between these are thick forests, rugged mountains, tundras and deserts, marking the planet as a superb site for the Red Lords to train new recruits. The native Cestelions, like many other surviving people in the Rucio System are a fairly hardy breed, made hardier by the stark reality of having to hunt for food and resources, since the destruction of most of the industrial cities by the Red Lords themselves when purging the System. These practices, along with the close monitoring of the planets by the Red Lords for signs of impurity, make the Rucio System an ideal ground from which to draw young recruits. However, the number of recruits who successfully complete the training is relatively small, thanks in part to the diminished populations of their native worlds. This is compounded by the fact that the Red Lords are exceedingly thorough in their selection of potential members. The tests run by the chapter last upwards of two years in total before a potential member is even inducted into the Tenth Company.

The population of Cestelion have learned to both revere and fear the Red Lords. Those who fail the chapter's intermittent purity checks are never seen again, and even those who pass such tests are frequently mind-wiped. There are literally thousands of rumours and stories whispered about the chapter - but not too loudly, lest the Red Lords hear them and deem the words impure. When the Red Lords come to recruit, however, the people of Cestelion organize competitions, under the instructions of the chapter, to see which children are most worthy of being recruited. After the Red Lords leave with the best available recruits, the population is permitted to celebrate modestly, and the Astartes and their new recruits return to their fortress monastery. The Fortress Monastery, known as the Red Crown, lies deep in the mountains. Only the Red Lords know its precise location, and new recruits are transported there sedated, leaving them in the heart of unknown lands when they awake.

The Red Lords infrequently recruit from suitable planets as they are found, and only under the most dire of circumstances. The Red Lords are careful to distance themselves from mortal men, knowing the uprising on Cestelion could easily happen again without due vigilance. As a result, Marines generally spend most of their lives serving aboard the chapter's fleets, ranging wherever they detect traces of Chaos in order to eradicate all vestiges of the Great Enemy.

Combat Doctrine

"Our duty now is to stand firm; the enemy must know that here we will stand, and here he will never take hold."
2nd company Captain Adgar Raithlund.


The Red Lords often choose to fight in a way infrequently relied upon amongst Astartes, preferring sustained artillery attacks to cripple an enemy before closing to finish the attack against their targets. The infantry of the Red Lords pride themselves on patience and marksmanship, and many of the veteran marines have also spent much time in the chapter's Whirlwinds at one stage or another in their lives. The Red Lords have not forsaken close combat, recognizing it as an effective way to eradicate enemy forces once the firepower breaks them, but it is by no means the specialty of the chapter. Unlike their parent chapter, the Raven Guard, the Red Lords seldom rely on stealth other than to pinpoint loacations for artillery attacks. The Chapter propounds the theory that excess deceit and trickery are too close to the domains of Chaos, and that without Corax himself to oversee such conduct, the constant imitation of such tactics bear risk to the soul.

Occasionally the Red Lords will enter combat alongside Imperial Guard forces, generally participating by co-ordinating artillery strikes on enemy positions. Other times, the Red Lords arrive on the battlefield unannounced, and carry out their own plans - almost always using the guardsmen as bait to draw enemies out for the Red Lords to destroy. Survivors of these 'co-operative assault' conflicts are notoriously both rare, and exceedingly wary of Astartes.

Whilst the Red Lords strive to preserve humanity, the Red Lords will purge cities down to the bedrock if a heretic is said to shelter there. Cities that know the Red Lords are coming often round up anyone they can find who has questionable views in an attempt to deflect such forceful wrath.


Organization

"Our numbers matter not, for our purity gives us the strength and valour of thousands." From the Red Lords' prayer chant "Valour", said in the hours before battles.

The Red Lords are a codex adherent chapter when at full strength. However, nearly constant conflict and a slow recruitment rate have drained the available number of marines in the chapter, and presently they have numbers enough to operate eight functional companies rather than ten - although marines from the diminished companies still bear their company's number. The reserve companies are presently somehwat smaller than usual due to this lack of able-bodied marines. The Red Lords are further hampered in their efforts to recover their numbers by the number of recruits who fail the extensive testing and screening even before admittance to the Tenth Company, leading to a smaller pool of Scouts to serve the chapter.

The number of Whirlwinds in the chapter is larger than average, thanks to some ceremonial exchanges of armour with other chapters, allowing each of the active companies to deploy more artillery. It is sometimes speculated by scholars that the heavy use of hypno-conditioning on the chapter's recruits has taken its toll on the Red Lords' ability to react quickly as a force. The unifying factor in almost all of the Chapter's defeats is the use of enemy stealth and surprise attacks. Ironically, many of these same scholars postulate that if the Red Lords chose to follow closer to the footsteps of their parent chapter, many of these losses could have been avoided.


Beliefs

"If a thousand civilian lives must be spent so that a heretic dies, then those lives were spent in the Emperor's name." Chapter Master Mordrim Vaulther.

The Red Lords believe themselves the sole guardians against the lures of Chaos, as they believe not even other Astartes maintain sufficient dedication to purity. Although some other chapters in truth follow an equally dedicated number of rituals and prayers, The Red Lords see any deviation from the path they walk as risking corruption. When in co-operation with other Astartes, the Red Lords are quick to preach the worth of purity, although this advice is seldom acted upon, to the concern of the Red Lords. Since their creation the Red Lords have combatted the wiles of Chaos, and their beliefs were strongly reinforced by Mordrim Vaulther and a succession of Chapter Masters who stood by his ideals. Since Vaulther's tenure as Chapter Master, purity has become uppermost in all aspects of a Red Lord's life - they must be pure of thought, word and deed. Impure thoughts beget heresy, and many Red Lords are known to sternly punish themselves for their own infractions. The punishment for the breaking of oaths or vows made in the Chapter is almost always death, though some warriors have been offered the chance to atone for their failings by leading charges in the coming battles.


Also key amongst the Chapter's beliefs is a reverence of the Emperor and the loyal Primarchs; recongized as heroes whose purity allowed them to resist the Ruinous Powers, irrespective of the cost to themselves. The Red Lords are fiercely proud of Corax, Primarch of the Raven Gaurd, as it is from this genetic line that they descend. The 'flaws' usually associated with the Raven Guard are seen by the Red Lords as the necessary removal of unworthy organs, arguing that neither one contributes truly to what makes a Space Marine great.


Gene-seed

"There is no flaw in our Geneseed. Only a means to judge the unworthy." Third Company Captain Admund Black.

Descended from the genetic line of Corax, the Red Lords take fierce pride in their heritage, even if their battle tactics do not reflect those favoured by their Primarch. The Red Lords know that Corax compromised his geneseed to bring his legion back up to fighting strength - but they see it as the lesson which he left them. Purity must be paramount - any other choice can have far-flung and devastating consequences. Corruption must always be met with extermination, and no cost is too great to destroy utterly the heretic. The Chapter often boasts that the gene-seed of Corax is most efficient of the Primarch's gene-lines for rooting out the impure, claiming those who fail the implantation process harbour impurity deep in their hearts. Questions adressed to the chapter about the state of their geneseed are always met with either stony silence or contempt, but the samples kept by the Adeptus Mechanicus are in no better condition than any other Raven Guard successor.


Battlecry
"At the distance from which we will strike them down, it matters not which war cry we sound." Sergeant Vallai of the Fifth Company
The Red Lords seldom make use of a formal battle-cry, although the chapter's motto of "Where purity fails, we strike!" is often recited by squads when engaging in close-quarter combat.


-=-=-=-=

Updated! - 25/05/2011 (English date)

Any opinions, praise, scornful mockery or C&C of the ideas above is more than welcome. ^_^

Edited by Ace Debonair, 31 July 2012 - 09:38 PM.


#2
The Burt

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Hey thete buddy, i am in absolutely no expert in such manners, and i have only skimmed over your Chapters but so far they look good.

However, without trying to come across nasty- i find it quite hard to read, due to it being just a wall of text. Maybe break it up slightly using bold lettering for headings/sections??

Cheers, trub.

gallery_48988_6285_85185.png
 


#3
Dazzo

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What is their colour scheme(a pic would be nice) and chapter symbol?
Hope is the denial of reality-Raistlin

The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity-Legend

Damn right-Dazzo

My colour scheme blog

#4
Ace Debonair

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It 's been a long, long time in the making, but here they are again - the brand new, hopefully much improved Red Lords.

I'm too tired to criticize my own stuff, so if you guys would kindly tear this apart for me, I'd much appreciate it. :rolleyes:

#5
curant

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i like the quote from their chapter master, it reeks appropriately of Astartes arrogance... lol

keep some IG in tow to borrow the basilisk maybe? nice addition to your artillery :rolleyes:
"so how do you become a dreadnought?"
"well aside from being amazing, you have to be nearly dead......"

#6
Ace Debonair

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That's not a bad idea.
I'll try and cook up a quick tale of how they interact with the IG. EDIT: Done that. :P

Glad you like the quote - I'm pretty happy with that one myself. :(

Edited by Ace Debonair, 18 December 2009 - 07:59 AM.


#7
Ace Debonair

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Alright, nobody had anything to say about these guys last time. ;)

How about now? :D
There's a few new touches and ideas thrown in for good measure.
In all likelihood they'll need taking out again in the next revision.

I'll also take this time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. :P

#8
Dark Apostle Thirst

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No, these guys are good. I sympathize, though, I had to rewrite my Angels of Adamantium 3 or 4 times. After I did that, I wasn't able to acces my own fluff! :P Ah well, then Bolter and Chainsword accepted me...


Like I said before, I really like the Red Lords. Keep them coming.

#9
Ace Debonair

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Much obliged for the encouraging words, Dark Apostle Thirst.

Do you have any suggestions on what to add or take away from the Red Lords?
Or, better still, spot any gaping mistakes in the stuff I've written?

The Angels of Adamantium sound interesting.
I just hope it's not a thousand Wolverines in space. :P
You can have too many lightning claws, you know?

#10
Dark Apostle Thirst

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Any ideas? Well, although I like the whole idea of barrages before closing in for the kill, it put the idea in my head that your marines didn't have a whole lot of combat experience besides mopping up the remains from the barrages. Something I like to do when trying to get an army some experience, I say that they have most of their marines go on campaigns as part of a larger war effort, getting vauluble experience without actually commiting a large amount of marine to a campaign.


As for the Angels of Adamantium, for some reason I thought Adamantium was a substance in 40k, wasn't thinking of X men at all. When I found out, I had already rewrote the chapter's fluff a number of times. So the name stuck.

Still, gotta love the lightning claws.

#11
Ace Debonair

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Hey, good one.

I was actually thinking of including something along those lines.
The basic idea being that the Red Lords will pitch in with fighting, but they'll do it their way, and only so they can show off how disciplined and pure they are compared to some of the less... strict astartes forces.

#12
Donkey Kong

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Well, Ace, it took a little time, but I think you IA will be better for it:

The Red Lords, created in the time of the tenth founding,

Tenth Founding needs capitalization

assigned by the Lords Of Terra to the Rucio system

System needs to be capitalized

The chapter proudly bore the geneseed of the great primarch Corax of the Raven Guard

spelling: gene-seed
capitalization: Primarch
put commas around Corax ie: of the great Primarch, Corax, of the Raven Guard.

and was led by chapter master Ervard Brodin, formerly a talented captain from the Raven Gaurd's second company.

Chapter Master and Second Company should be capitalized
wording I think: formerly a talented captain of the Raven Guard's Second Company

the Red Lords were quite simply utterly determined to do the best job they could.

to do the best job they could doesn't fit with the ideals of a confident chapter, “determined to see their task complete” reads better, I think.

Rucio system

Again, capitalization. I'll just leave this as a note for the rest of the IA.

The whole Zecnat cultist incident can be summed up in a sidebar if you feel it is necessary, I don't think it really matters to the origin of the Chapter. If you decide to keep it, you have a couple misspellings:
realized
fueled

It really can be summed up as a global purge made by the Chapter done with the cold, heartless efficiency of the Adeptus Astartes.

Personal opinion: I never felt that Characters belonged in an IA unless it was a sidebar.
Regardless, it doesn't detract from the IA, you have a couple other misspellings though:
realized
perceived

the physical experimentation (I think that might have been my idea too, just saying :cuss ), I think would fit very well into the gene-seed section.

There is nothing wrong with the Homeworld Section, but add a little, how are the Red Lords seen by the local populace? They obviously make regular investigations to check for purity, do they make an example of those they find impure? They're not seen often since they spend most of their time aboard their ships, so they're not seen constantly. Finally, where is their Fortress Monastery?

and many of the veteran marines have spent much time in the chapter's whirlwinds at one stage or another in their careers.

I don't really like the wording in this clause. “have spent much time” could be worded better as “have spent a great deal of time” and “careers” could be changed to “service” or “lives”.

It's also a little odd for you to go from marksmanship to artillery.

other than to pinpoint loacations for artillery attacks.

Locations is spelled wrong.

Those that then surrender and renounce their heretical ways are then welcomed briefly into prisoner camps and sent to join the Emperor and seek salvation at His side.


“Then” is unnecessary in the beginning, “welcomed” seems to kind and “briefly” isn't necessary. “are then inducted into prison camps and . . .” works better. I have mixed feelings on “sent to join the Emperor”, I perfectly understand massed executions, and I can't decide if I like it for being witty or dislike it for being indirect on something a proud chapter should be very direct about.

Which eight, even understrength, ten should exist by tradition alone with marines in various stage of advancement in the reserve companies, for example, even it Ninth Company only has two Devastator Squads, it should still exist.

How do the Red Lords view the Emperor.

Expand on your Combat Doctrine and Chapter Cult.

Purity must be paramount - any other choice can have far-flung and devastating consequences.


I really like this ideal, and it makes it even more ironic when, or if, you add the line about genetic experimentation to make the Marines more robust.
EDIT: I also apologize if any of the spelling corrections I made are because they're British English.

Hopefully my comments helped.

KHK

Edited by KingHongKong, 30 December 2009 - 02:06 PM.


#13
Ace Debonair

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Good stuff KHK!

I made a lot of the edits you suggested.

With regards to you talking about removing the Zecnat Cultists and stuff, I think I can see where you're coming from, but for now I'll leave it in.

Your comments regarding characters in an IA intrigue me, particularly since I know more characters from your Death Heads IA than I do for any of my own. :D

I assume, however, you mean Orvain Corwell, the marine whose beliefs and characteristics shape the chapter. Quite simply, it is through Corwell that the Red Lords truly come into their own, and I'm not sure that chopping both Corwell and what I consider the Red Lords' first mission out of this IA would leave me with anything explaining why the chapter is the way it is.

Your comments about phyiscal experimentations also puzzle me somewhat, especially since I thought you meant the genetic experimentation that I made certain to include.
Yes, it was your idea in the first place - and a damn good one, at that. I've spent a lot of time kicking myself for not having your idea first. :P

I already have a line saying how the Red Lords see The Emperor in the IA, and I'm not sure another one would serve any purpose.

You were bang on target with the comments about the companies - I didn't actually intend for it to sound like the ninth and tenth didn't exist, but that the chapter has 800 or less marines.

I'm fairly sure the spelling mistakes you highlighted are just that - mistakes.
I haven't had time to find them all yet, but rest assured I'll keep any that turn out to be UK English. :P



Anybody else got any opinions for me? Good? Bad? Indifferent? Let me know!

#14
Severus6

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A notable detail since Corwell's rise to power is the unusual physical size of the Red Lords. The Red Lords are noted by authorities to be tall and powerfully built, even for Astartes, and there are dark rumors of terrible genetic experiments by apothecaries on a mission to create the perfect, incorruptible marine. However, no evidence of these procedures can be found in Imperial records from any source, leading a paranoid few to suspect the involvement or approval of the High Lords of Terra themselves in these experiments.


At the risk of sounding snooty,...this reeks of "my guys are uber-super-cool" and everybody that matters (High Lords) is OK with that, so let it slide fluff wise fellas. I would be careful with that might think to rewrite or rethink that passage. I am of the mindset that is not what you are going for but perception is reality when in the world of hints and innuendos.

That and bringing recruits to the fortress blind-folded,...why not simply sedate them, allowing them to wake up in an area where they have absolutely no idea where they are at in any way shape or form.

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#15
Octavulg

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"Death by our holy bolters is a glory unbecoming of these traitors. Have the Whirlwinds reduce their hiding place to ash, Sergeant. I seek to deny them that glory." - Chapter Master Orvain Corwell.


Last sentence detracts from the awesome. We know why they're getting blasted by Whirlwinds.

The Red Lords, created in the time of the Tenth Founding, were immediately assigned by the Lords Of Terra to the Rucio System to ward off the threat of possible corruption. The chapter proudly bore the geneseed of the great primarch, Corax, of the Raven Guard and was led by the newly promoted Chapter Master Ervard Brodin, a talented captain from the Raven Gaurd's Second Company. The approach of the Red Lords to their task was simple - nobody was to be spared their attention. Any heretical act would be judged, and short of the direct intervention of the Emperor himself, none would be found worthy of forgiveness. This was not done through any overwhelming piety - the Red Lords were quite simply utterly determined to see their mission completed. The Red Lords, arriving at the Rucio System, started at the heart of the rot - the planet of Venicia, at the farthest end of the system. They quickly found whatever chaos presence had been at Venicia had retreated, leaving behind few traces. But the local faith there had grown to worship both The Emperor, and a being known to the locals as Zecnat, lord of immortality. The chapter quickly identified this as heresy, and the Red Lords brutally purged all traces of 'Zecnat' from the world. The cult's followers were executed and their temples destroyed utterly. There were large portions of the population on the worlds of the Rucio System that suffered the wrath of the Red Lords - and the numbers grew and grew as they drew closer to the edge of the system nearest the heart of Imperial space. The local leader was an Imperial Governor-General, who until this time had controlled the system in The Emperor's name. The Governor-General grew increasingly nervous as the Red Lords moved closer and closer to his home world of Cestelion. The Red Lords had seen much horror as they drew closer to Cestelion. To their dismay, on many worlds they had found evidence of guardsmen who had subscribed to the beliefs of the Zecnat cult. They were ruthlessly eradicated by the chapter - and taken as evidence of the weakness of human minds to the influence of chaos.


Paragraph too big. Break down into several. I also think it could use a bit of rewriting - it feels a little rushed and a little bit like you wrote it at several different times and places and pasted it together. Tighten it up a little. :)

I'd do something like:

The Red Lords were created in the Tenth Founding, proud bearers of the gene-seed of Corax, and lead by Ervard Brodin, former Captain of the Raven Guard's Second Company. They were immediately sent to the Rucio System to ward off possible corruption of that region by the forces of Chaos. The Red Lords were utterly determined to perform their first mission to the full extent of their abilities, and resolved that no one would escape their judgement, and even the slightest heretical infraction would find no forgiveness.

They began their purge of the Rucio System at Venicia, the outermost planet. Though no overt Chaotic influences were found, the worship of the Emperor had grown to include a being known as Zecnat, Lord of Immortality. The Chapter noted this obvious heresy, and brutally purged all traces of Zecnat's worship from the planet, from worshippers to temples. They moved on through the system, and at each world found more heretics than the last. All met the same fate, much to the concern of Rucio's Governor-General, who grew increasingly nervous as the implacable marines approached his palace on Cestelion, the paramount planet of Rucio.

A lot shorter, gets to the point more, and I think it flows a little better.

The Red Lords arrived at Cestelion, after a bloody, arduous journey. It was meant to be the jewel in the crown of the Rucio system, but all the Red Lords could see about them was evidence of treachery. Shrines to Zecnat littered the cities and towns. Cultists roamed the streets unafraid - some sporting the cult's insignia brazenly. The Governor-General was confronted by Ervard Brodin, and many marines of the Red Lords Third Company, before the city's magnificent temple to The Emperor. The Governor-General was accused of allowing heresy to fester. As part of their mission to purge heresy from the Rucio system, the Red Lords stated simply that either all trace of Zecnat would be purged from the capital by sundown, or the entire city would be reduced to ash and rubble. As the nominal leader of the system, the Governor-General was offered this solitary chance to redeem himself. The Red Lords pulled back from the city centre, and watched the gates intently. They made certain that nobody was able to enter the city, or more importantly, able to leave it.


Again, this could be tightened up a little:
Cestelian was meant to be the jewel of the Rucio system, but all the Red Lords could see about them was evidence of treachery. Shrines to Zecnat littered the cities and towns. Cultists roamed the streets unafraid, sporting the cult's insignia brazenly. The Governor-General was confronted by Ervard Brodin before the city's magnificent temple to The Emperor, and accused of allowing heresy to fester. The Red Lords stated simply that either all trace of Zecnat would be purged from the capital by sundown, or the entire city would be reduced to ash and rubble. The Red Lords pulled back from the city, and watched the gates intently. They made certain that nobody was able to enter the city or, more importantly, able to leave it.

Don't put things in the IA that are unnecessary. Be efficient. Every sentence needs to add something - and if it doesn't, it needs to go away.

You also seem to be a big fan of redundancy - we know what the Red Lords' mission is, you just told us last paragraph. Similarly, we know their journey was bloody and arduous, because you just finished telling us. And we know who the marines are confronting. Etc.

As the day wore on, Zecnat's temples were torn down, his statues destroyed, and those who clung to their heretical views were purged. But it was not the easy victory it should have been. At sundown, Chapter Master Ervard Brodin of the Red Lords returned to the temple of The Emperor. The Governor was waiting, his citizens massed before him, the Imperial Guard stationed there lining the streets. Chapter Master Brodin acknowledged the Governor-General's success at purging the taint of chaos. But the people there were sullen, and a well of fury in them was building, having been stirred for months by the insidious followers of chaos. Moreover, the purging of the 'Zecnat' cultists had not extended to all of the Imperial Guard stationed in the capital. The librarians of the Red Lords could taste the unholy presence in the air still, but had simply put it down as the death throes of a chaos energy routed. They realised all too late what was happening. The Imperial guard stationed there attacked the Red Lords - firing upon the Astartes warriors who, in their minds, had ordered the murder of so many citizens in the name of the Emperor - the deity meant to protect humanity. The civilians joined the battle - rushing away only to return with crude weapons, fuelled as much by the desire for revenge as by the twisted manipulations of chaos. Not all of the guard, however, had turned against the Astartes. The Governor-General and his most loyal followers fought with the Red Lords, firing on the traitor guardsmen and the insane civilians. The battle was fierce, but brief. The Red Lords and the loyalists triumphed. Chapter Master Brodin and his men, however, saw this as a major failure - that chaos should take even the smallest of holds on an Imperial world was unforgivable. That what should have been the Rucio System's strongest bastion of the Emperor's will was subverted and destroyed, was an abomination. The Red Lords knew all too well now the fragility of the human mind, and how weakness of the mind could create more catastrophe than weakness of the body. The Governor-General and his men who had allowed this to occur were suitably punished for their weakness and inability to identify the threat thusly posed. The bodies were then buried under the decimated ruins of the city, which was, as the Red Lords had promised, reduced to ash and rubble by artillery.


You like big paragraphs. Suppress this urge. Break it up. I'd say this should be two paragraphs, or more likely three.

They'd more likely be PDF than IG. PDF'd also be more likely to take the side of the locals. Guard garrison forces are usually brought in specifically when the locals CAN'T be trusted (as far as I can tell, anyway).

Commas are used to separate ideas or reflect natural pauses in speech. You're a little too eager with them sometimes.

"Either all days are holy, or none are. Either way, we must remain vigilant. There is no time for feasting or celebrations whilst impurity exists." Chapter Master Corwell on banning the annual celebrations held on the day the founding of the chapter.


Oh, I see what you did there. Look, just call him Dorfl, why don't you. :P Actually, D'Orfell would work...

By the time Chapter Master Brodin was slain in battle many years later, his replacement, Orvain Corwell, realised the only bastion against the predations of chaos were the Astartes. And even they, as the Red Lords were aware, could be fallible. From that time onwards, the Red Lords percieved themselves protectors of a fragile, foolish breed. Corwell decided that if the Red Lords were all that stood against chaos's domination of the system, the fall of an Astartes not only weakened the chapter, it weakened the Emperor's grip on the Imperium - which was unacceptable. The new leader of the Red Lords vowed to do everything in their power to minimize losses in battle, and his men quickly became extremely reliant on artillery strikes to all but destroy an enemy force before closing for the kill - conferring on the few miserable beings that survived the explosive barrages the glory of dying at the hands of an Astartes. Corwell's dedication to purity was absolute - banning celebration days from his chapter and insisting on at least two hours of every day spent in solitary meditation for every marine. Although Corwell died in battle long ago, the edicts he made whilst in charge have been enforced by chapter masters ever since.


Humanity is a species, not a breed. Breed implies a subspecies.

Anyone who relies on artillery raises the question of why they don't just nuke the site from orbit.

Chapters aren't assigned to specific systems - there is one chapter per one thousand worlds. They are assigned and behave accordingly. Just a minor point, but an important one to grasp.

I think the ideas here could use a little more development - right now they feel a little disjointed. Start from the basics - humanity is weak, easily corrupted, and a little flighty. The Astartes generally aren't. What should a Chapter do under these circumstances?

Personally, I'd expect an emphasis on orbital bombardment as well as artillery and an eager acceptance of civilian casualties to preserve Astartes combat capability and safety (possible parallels to any modern militaries are purely in the eye of the beholder. :P). Corruption is met with extermination of all possible sources. No respect for local forces, little for Imperial authority (though much for the Emperor personally and other Astartes). Likely other stuff.

A notable detail since Corwell's rise to power is the unusual physical size of the Red Lords. The Red Lords are noted by authorities to be tall and powerfully built, even for Astartes, and there are dark rumors of terrible genetic experiments by apothecaries on a mission to create the perfect, incorruptible marine. However, no evidence of these procedures can be found in Imperial records from any source, leading a paranoid few to suspect the involvement or approval of the High Lords of Terra themselves in these experiments.


Put it in geneseed. That section usually needs all the help it can get.

General Notes:
Proper nouns need to be capitalized. Guardsmen, Astartes, Whirlwind...all are proper nouns. 'The', 'a' and 'of' are capitalized only at the start of sentences: hence "Of Mice and Men" or "A Tale of Two Cities", while "Their parent chapter, The Raven Guard" should be "Their parent Chapter, the Raven Guard". Also, nouns that end with an 's' do not get an apostrophe-s at the end when possessive. Jesus becomes Jesus'.

As always, a once over, reading aloud as you go, will likely help improve writing and word choice. It usually quite helps me.

It's pretty good, but still needs a bit of touching up to improve it. Giving them a bit more character couldn't hurt - a little detail about how they do things is always kind of interesting.

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"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#16
Ace Debonair

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Edited, as the flaws and general consensus dictated.

QUOTE
"Either all days are holy, or none are. Either way, we must remain vigilant. There is no time for feasting or celebrations whilst impurity exists." Chapter Master Corwell on banning the annual celebrations held on the day the founding of the chapter.

Oh, I see what you did there. Look, just call him Dorfl, why don't you. Actually, D'Orfell would work...


Yes indeed, along with Chaplain Currot and Techmarine Gnobi.
I felt the line was suited to the character. And if I can tip the nod to my favourite author at the same time, then why not? :)
Unless, of course, the quote needs getting rid of, in which case I've got the wrong end of the stick. Again.

I never was good at paragraphing, and this lack of skill has apprently come back to haunt me a further time. Drat.

However, nobody seems to have picked up on which particular facet of a real world culture I've inserted here.
I must have become more skilled in the art of subtlety, which is nice. That, or I've picked a culture at a time that nobody else on this board has studied, in which case... oh well. :P
If anyone wants a clue, or wants to guess, PM me. Don't spoil the mystery for everyone else.

Anyway - most recent version of the IA: Red Lords is now open for review!
Tear it apart as you see fit - help me to isolate and destroy any and all impurities in my writing! For the Emperor! :)

#17
Octavulg

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Yes indeed, along with Chaplain Currot and Techmarine Gnobi.
I felt the line was suited to the character. And if I can tip the nod to my favourite author at the same time, then why not? biggrin.gif
Unless, of course, the quote needs getting rid of, in which case I've got the wrong end of the stick. Again.


No, it's fine. Though I really think Chapter Master Orwain D'Orfell has a ring to it.

However, nobody seems to have picked up on which particular facet of a real world culture I've inserted here.
I must have become more skilled in the art of subtlety, which is nice. That, or I've picked a culture at a time that nobody else on this board has studied, in which case... oh well. tongue.gif
If anyone wants a clue, or wants to guess, PM me. Don't spoil the mystery for everyone else.


I assume you're not talking about the concentration camps?

There's shades of Reformation-era Germany, but that's mostly the quote about "here we stand".

Anyway - most recent version of the IA: Red Lords is now open for review!
Tear it apart as you see fit - help me to isolate and destroy any and all impurities in my writing! For the Emperor! tongue.gif


Change one of the glories in the first quote to honor. Repeating words too soon after each other is discordiant to the ear.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#18
Ace Debonair

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Actually, the clue is in Orvain Corwell's name.

It's a not-quite-subtle alteration of a real-world figure, although it seems it was subtle enough after all. :P

#19
Ace Debonair

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Ok, it's been a good three weeks or so since I even thought about these guys.

Perhaps, with all the Iron Gauntlet competitors looking for ways to improve their criticism score, this is the perfect time to re-introduce my Red Lords to the world. ;)

So, any views on faults, flaws, failings or any other words beginning with F and meaning mistakes are welcome. ;)

In fact... let's be generous... any views at all on anything to do with this chapter will be welcome. ^_^

#20
Lt. Smash

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No offence intended, but, does Chapter Master Orvain Corwell ever shut up?
He seems according to those quotes, which are cool, to be just about the most talkative Chapter Master in existence.
Apart from that it's all pretty good.
As far as I know original paint scheme too.

#21
Ace Debonair

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The number of quotes is intentional, demonstrating how the Red Lords hold him in high regard. :lol:

I might consider plastering one or two on someone else if everyone else agrees.

#22
Lt. Smash

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The number of quotes is intentional, demonstrating how the Red Lords hold him in high regard.
Opps. My bad. Sorry. :whistling:

#23
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Personally, I find it's best to have quotes from multiple sources because it gives the Chapter the appearance of depth.

The Ice Lords IA has quotes from Taramant (a lot of them), but it also has quotes from Lahdemor and Belicarius (Chief Librarian and Chaplain), Tull (the Head Apothecary) and Darius (the First Company Captain). And some Techmarine whose name I forget. Oh, and a Chapter history. It keeps it from being "The Story of Taramant Son of Trias, and His Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day" (though he's quite obviously still the focus a LOT of the time).

Focusing on one character too much can make the IA feel like it should be a story about that character. Even if that's basically true (as it arguably is for the Ice Lords), you should try and bring the rest of the chapter up out of the background.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

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Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#24
Ace Debonair

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Alrighty then.

Added a few more quotes from folks other than Corwell.
I can take more of his out if I have to, but I'll see how it looks now before doing anything rash.

Today's my birthday, so I'm hoping to get some criticism to go with my cake. :)
(Seriously though, don't feel obliged. :) )

#25
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Alright, Ace, let's get started.

Early History

They made certain that nobody was able to enter the city or, more importantly, able to leave it.


The second “able to” is unnecessary. “or, more importantly, leave it.” works far better, I think.

and a well of fury in them was building,


Terrible wording, “was building in them” and even “fury welled within them” would work.

The PDF stationed there attacked the Red Lords - firing upon the Astartes warriors who, in their minds, had ordered the murder of so many citizens in the name of the Emperor, their 'protector'. The civilians joined the battle - rushing away only to return with crude weapons, fuelled as much by the desire for revenge as by the twisted manipulations of chaos.


This is silly on two levels:
1.Why did the soldiers take down the temples if they were going to rebel regardless?
2.Why did the civilians let them tear down the temples at all?
Even if you have it as “Red Lords came, Red Lords punish governor and issue threat, soldiers of the cult rebel, civilians riot and follow, loyal soldiers listen, city is flattened with loyalists and traitors alike” embodies the complete intolerance the Red Lords have.

Orvain Corwell


I still think he should be a sidebar.

Homeworld

a few bastions of people who followed only the Emperor's truth remained.


bastions of people doesn't make sense. Bastions are fortifications, bastions of people are, well, they're that wall the Spartans built out of Persian bodies in 300. At this point, wouldn't the Emperor's truth be better stated as the Imperial Church or Emperor's Light?

Between these are thick forests, rugged mountains, tundras and deserts, marking the planet as a superb site for the Red Lords to train new recruits in combat on all terrains.


“on all terrains” at the end is redundant.

The Red Lords have also recruited from other suitable planets as they find them, but only very infrequently and usually only when the chapter has sustained extensive losses.


Too wordy. “The Red Lords infrequently recruit from suitable planets as they are found, and only under the most dire of circumstances.”

Perhaps because the Red Lords are careful not to get too close to the planets of the Rucio system and it's inhabitants, however, they spend most of their lives serving aboard the chapter's fleets, ranging wherever they detect traces of chaos in order to eradicate all vestiges of the great enemy.


What frightens me the most is that this is a single sentence. It begins somewhat poorly with perhaps. Look at it this way, and I'll take Octavulg's IAs as an example. His Dark Angel successors and Bronze Prophets IAs are secretive, because the Chapter is. The Red Lords are so blatant they don't even need to lie, simply hide knowledge from the unworthy. Be definite in your writing.

Combat Doctrine

The Red Lords often choose fight in a way infrequently relied on amongst Astartes,


Choose to fight in a way

preferring sustained artillery attacks to cripple an enemy before closing to finish the attack against their enemies.


Repetition of enemy

or by using the guardsmen essentially as bait to draw enemies out for the Red Lords to destroy.


Essentially is unnecessary, they do what they do and that's all there is.

Whilst the Red Lords certainly seek to preserve humanity


Certainly is unnecessary, again, it's definite, you're not trying to persuade everyone, they do what they do.

To put this in context, at one point the Death Heads had a line concerning their trophies, it went something like: “Admittedly, their trophies are worthless and have been accused of being heretical”

Who is admitting anything? Who is accusing them? That is more important, stick with it.

Organization

I'd think they'd have a more remarkable First Company, maybe even with some kind of extra nasty title, like the Red Barons.

Other than that, the section simply needs expanding.


Beliefs

The Red Lords believe themselves the sole guardians against the lures of Chaos. The Red Lords revere the Emperor and the loyal Primarchs as heroes whose purity allowed them to resist the ruinous powers, albeit at a terrible cost. The Red Lords are fiercely proud of Corax, Primarch of the Raven Gaurd, as it is from this genetic line that they descend. In other circumstances, perhaps the Red Lords would have followed the footsteps of their parent chapter by making use of stealth operations.


Three of four sentences begin the same. I have absolutely no idea what “other circumstances” are. Even at the campaign against the cult, they're following their own methods.

Geneseed

and no price is above payment to destroy the heretic.


It's usually “no cost is too great” :lol

What is known for certain is that Red Lords who are not killed in battle age quicker in comparison to other astartes, and many have also been known to die significantly younger than in many other chapters.


Flowers for Algernon problems? If you ever make a story for these guys, I'd like to see how the Marines look at this. How do they age? Are they relics like Iacton Qruze? Are they venerable like Dante?

Not bad Ace, I'm really warming up to the Chapter. They're a little vague at some points, and I would recommend plugging the IA into a word document to find some spelling mistakes.

Happy Birthday again, sorry I couldn't respond yesterday, midterms and all that fun stuff to study for :D .