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Alt-IA Iron Warriors - Done!


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#26
Ferrus Manus

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Got the e-mail John, I'll give it a look through tonight.

Phil - edited, so that it serves as a warning to others. ;)
 
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#27
Sigismund Himself

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Armoured with a suspicion borne of bitter experience, the Iron Warriors have often been called paranoid, but as the events of the Dornian Heresy have proved, not even brother legions of the Astartes can be trusted implicitly. As consummate siege-masters, they were instrumental in the success of the Great Crusade, and after the Betrayal they refortified the Imperium to withstand assaults from within as well as without. While other legions place their trust in dangerous psychic powers or the superstition of blind faith, the Iron Warriors depend instead upon thick walls, overwhelming firepower and meticulous planning to carry the day.

I would also replace 'called' with 'labelled' or rework the sentence to use 'accused of being paranoid' as 'called' just seems a little limp. '...not even brother legions of the Astartes can be trusted implicitly' also reads a little weakly to me. Replacing it with something along the lines of 'no one, not even their brother legions, should be above suspicion' would work better. '..to carry the day' also reads a little weakly, perhaps something like 'to ensure victory' would give the wording a stronger edge.

First paragraph of Origins, should that first 'his' have a 'H'?

It is a testament to their Emperor-given abilities and strength of will that, in most cases, they rose to a position of command within the societies they found themselves.

Sentence is missing an 'in' at the end. I would look at rewording it to make it sound a bit less limp (I think it's the 'found themselves in' bit. I mean, in most cases they fell from the skies in a meteor ;) )

Olympia was a world divided into mountainous city-states, with conflict held in check by the heavy fortifications and strong defences that had been built up over centuries.

Perhaps say 'open conflict' instead of 'conflict'. 'built up over the centuries' could sound better with alternative wording.

Perturabo was a genius in the arts of siege-craft, but when it came to matters of human interaction, he was cold and detached. However, this disconnection was not evident at his first meeting with The Emperor, who he greeted with a warmth he had never felt before.

A little convenient. This bit needs a bit more of a better explanation.

He moulded the renamed Iron Warriors in his own image to make them masters in the art of siege-craft, but after speaking with his techmarines it became apparent that there was still much for him to learn.

I would have him seeking the knowledge of how to make the ultimate siege machines in Titans and Ordinatus or state this implicitly if this was what you intended. Seems more believable in his character. Also, how did his legion feel with their Primarch leaving them just after discovering them?

Despite the initial delay, the Iron Warriors’ abilities in combat engineering and siege-craft made them highly effective at claiming worlds for the burgeoning Imperium.

The 'despite the initial delay' bit doesn't really open the section well to me. Advise dropping it or replacing it with something else.

This frustration came out at the banquet to celebrate victory on the planet of Schravann. Even though it had been the Iron Warriors who had toppled the final enemy stronghold, Rogal Dorn was still heard to say that the Imperial Palace on Terra, which he had designed and his Imperial Fists guarded, was impregnable, and proof against any attack. Perturabo, with cold logic, pointed out that having studied the blueprints, he had found a number of vulnerabilities that a determined attacker could exploit, and further estimated that if the need arose his Iron Warriors could breach the walls within two months. At this, the hall exploded into uproar, as the Imperial Fists accused Perturabo of traitorous intent and of plotting to kill The Emperor. Amid accusation and insult, Perturabo’s genuine intention – to offer suggestions on how The Emperor’s security could be improved – was drowned out, and only the intervention of the other primarchs in the room prevented the event from degenerating into violence. Unsurprisingly, Schravann was the last planet on which these two legions fought as allies.

First sentence, 'came out' is very weak phrasing. Bolded sentence didn't make sense to me. Love the idea otherwise :)

While the logic of this was undeniable, it had a disastrous effect upon the legion’s state of mind. They were spread out thinly across the galaxy in numbers sometimes as small as a single squad, often with little to do except to hear of the valiant actions of others. With supply lines secured, the expeditions moved ever further into the galaxy, but the number of Iron Warriors at its forefront dropped to perilously low levels. They were unable to operate on their own, and became increasingly reliant upon others such as the Sons of Horus or the Titan Legions to carry out their battle plans.

Not sure 'state of mind' works particularly well here, morale would probably make more sense. Would advise looking at alternate wording of the bolded part, doesn't quite click with me. Not sure on 'into the galaxy' as it sounds like the legions are going into the galaxy, rather than expanding away from Terra. My spidey sense isn't liking the use of 'perilously' either, perhaps too much hyperbole? Also, I would rephrase the last sentence to include 'operate efficiently' rather than just 'operate' as that's a bit too definite.

The astropathic message he received in response was as curt as it was cryptic. It simply said that "A legion that cannot even hold its homeworld has no place facing other Astartes." Urgent communications with Olympia did indeed reveal that rioting had broken out all across the southern cities, and that demagogues were openly calling for the death of The Emperor. In the confusion, no-one thought to ask how Dorn had known of the riots before anyone else, and by the time they did, the Heresy had already claimed three loyal legions.

Meh, you've got Pertuarbo famed for his analytical mind and he doesn't immediately think something suspicious of his hated rival? Minor rethink needed here IMO.

With their homeworld in rebellion, Perturabo ordered the Iron Warriors to return to Olympia with all haste. While in transit, news reached them from Warmaster Horus of Dorn’s rebellion at Istvaan, and of the daemonic forces that stood ready to tip the Imperium into civil war. Though Perturabo was initially dismissive about the existence of such creatures of nightmare, it seemed that their suspicion and paranoia about Dorn had been well founded.

The bolded part has issues. I would replace 'tip' with 'plunge' and reconsider the use of 'civil war' as the current wording seems to indicate a civil war with the daemons (might be just me though).

They had previously been resentful of their garrison worlds, but on their journey they saw how effective they were at maintaining order in that time of turmoil, and the vital role they played in keeping open the loyalists’ supply lines.

Perhaps beginning the sentence with 'While' and reconfiguring the structure accordingly would let the sentence flow better and fit in better. 'that time of turmoil' also seems a little weak to me.

This mantra was hardest to bear when they heard the pleas from their allies on Mars. They were under attack not just from their Chaos-infected brethren and the fallen Titan Legions, but also by the Astartes of the Iron Hands, who it was said were preparing to unleash some terrible weapon from the depths of the Noctis Labyrinthus. Perturabo yearned to go to Mars, but with the Sons of Horus standing ready to make planet-fall on Terra, they had no choice. Desperate entreaties from the Mechanicus, drawing upon their previous bonds of comradeship, quickly turned to bitter, angry threats, and the ultimatum that if they did not come immediately, they would be dead to the Adeptus Mechanicus for all eternity. All manner of poisonous accusations were made, calling the Iron Warriors oath-breakers and worse, that by the time transmissions from the red planet fell ominously silent, the fleet had long-since blocked their frequencies.

'mantra' is a little weak to me. Would inject more conjecture to the Iron Hands' motives/plans as well. 'would be dead' should also get some alternate wording so it sounds more like threat.

The Iron Warriors, however, had not turned their backs on liberating the garrison worlds and on their friends in the Mechanicus only to walk away from confronting their most hated enemy and the chance of ending Dorn’s Heresy once and for all.

'turned their backs' doesn't quite work for me. 'allies' would probably work better than 'friends'. 'walk away' also seems a little weak to me.

like the last breath of a plague victim

What weak and hardly moving anything? ;) Get your ideas but doesn't quite click to me.

Devastated by the senseless loss of their primarch, the Iron Warriors regrouped for yet another assault upon the Ultimate Gate.

Senseless?

...at never truly getting to grips with the enemy was eating away at them. They were haunted by memories of the siege of the Imperial Palace, where they had broken through at great cost only to find their most hated enemy nowhere to be found.

'eating away' might need reworking. Should the 'seige' have a 'S'?

Steeled against their imminent destruction, yet welcoming the chance to finally attack their enemy, only the timely intervention of Abaddon leading a coalition of loyal Astartes prevented their annihilation and broke the Iron Cage.

They've been attacking their enemy the whole time! Replace 'attack' with something else or mention something like 'strike a telling blow' or even 'cause casualties;.

“Apologies for our intervention in your warzone, Warsmith Kruger,” came the bass growl, “but the Iron Warriors’ skills are required back upon Terra. We have a world to rebuild.”

I would remove the 'back' to make the speech sound more formal and possibly make mention of the Emperor's wishes?

With the galaxy ravaged by the consequences of the Dornian Heresy, the Iron Warriors were tasked with refortifying first Terra, and then the wider Imperium. They extended and rebuilt the fortifications around the Astronomicon, transforming it into an armoured city far more imposing than Dorn’s Imperial Palace.

'consequences' is a tame word for destruction and anarchy. I would consider changing it. Also would suggest inserting 'even' after 'than' and possibly examining the wording because you can read that Dorn owns the Imperial Palace :P

#28
Sigismund Himself

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To ensure the mistake of the Great Crusade was not repeated, they expanded their numbers far above their pre-Heresy levels, and augmented further with vast numbers of weapon servitors, war machines and other, more specialised engines of destruction. Their greater numbers also meant that they could be pro-active in their defence, striking out at enemies before they got a chance to attack. Another factor that drove their expansion was that while they appreciated Abaddon’s intervention in breaking the Iron Cage, the thought of being beholden in such a way, even to a close ally, went against the grain.

To ensure the mistakes aren't repeated, they expand? Don't quite get the reasoning here. Suggest replacing 'got a chance' with something along the lines of 'seized the opportunity'. 'went against the grain' is also some weak wording to me.

Such is their disdain of the accuracy of ordnance laid down by the Imperial Army and Navy that they have instead created their own force of heavy artillery.

What about them not trusting them, rather than not liking their accuracy?

This focus on the Chaos Legions, especially around the Eye of Terror, has come at the expense of the border with Guilliman’s Ultramar Segmentum. For all the legion’s size and power, even they cannot effectively garrison its entire length. Worlds under their aegis resist this implacable advance far better than those around them, which has resulted in small, embattled enclaves of the Imperium deep inside Ultramar space.

Cool :P

After the horrors of the Iron Cage Worlds, and the shame of being saved by Abaddon’s Massed Crusades, the Iron Warriors resolved never to find themselves in such a position again.

'find themselves in such a position' is a little weak here.

This has seen the number of Grand Companies expand beyond their original twelve, but is held in check as few Iron Warriors would countenance the loss of half their strength, with the corresponding vulnerability that would bring. Most prefer to bide their time and wait for the tides of battle and mortality to elevate them to the position of warsmith.

Should examine the wording of the bolded part, I know what you mean but the wording is iffy.

To the uninitiated outsider, the Iron Warriors simply deploy overwhelming firepower to pound the foe into submission, before assaulting the survivors. In truth, their approach is far more analytical, subtle and above all, effective. They retain Perturabo’s keen intellect, and see the defeat of the enemy as a puzzle to be cracked.

Perhaps replace 'puzzle' with 'enigma'

The most famous example was when the Third Grand Company transformed the shattered outskirts the Fortunis hive city into a killing ground within hours of arriving in orbit. This stalled the greenskin assault long enough for the Iron Warriors to deploy their heavier weaponry and defeat the horde once and for all.

Would replace 'within hours of arriving in orbit' to 'within hours of making planetfall' otherwise sounds like they're doing it from orbit. Would also replace 'heavier weaponry' with slightly more detailed description otherwise sounds like they're bringing down heavy bolters and lascannons.

'vindicator' in the paragraph below also needs a 'V'

Troublesome elements are ruthlessly suppress, be they misguided subversives, agents of the Ruinous Powers or the excessive rivalry of competing hives.

'suppres' needs an 'ed' on the end. Not sure on the last bit of the sentence after the 'or'. You've used groups of people for the first two descriptions on what they suppress and then a feeling. Just doesn't read right to me.

Such devices are a fortress against the insidious denizens and whispered madness of the Warp.

Replace 'fortress' with 'defence'.

Geneseed section seems a bit cut short.

They we are, hopefully this is halfway coherent ;)

Only name I can think of for the Space Port is the Sigferman Space Port :)

#29
Ferrus Manus

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E-mailed you my comments, John. :cuss
 
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#30
Aurelius Rex

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Many thanks, Matt and Matt. :) I am currently integrating the feedback - the note on the Sons of Horus being the Luna® Wolves at the time is a particularly good catch. B) It has pointed up many of the passages I was not completely happy with, and you have confirmed the places that still need more work.

In particular, you have both noted that Perturabo should have suspected that Dorn was behind the uprising on Olympia. Previous versions had the news of the riots being broken to Perturabo as he was offering Dorn his aid at Istvaan, but this was streamlined as being just too convenient. I really like the way it pans out at the moment, but obviously need to sell why Perturabo did not suspect Dorn until it was too late. Can I ask for your help as Hollywood-style script doctors (only without the massive paycheques) to succinctly reinforce the idea?

Obviously, what is needed is something simple and punchy - a throwaway explanation that covers things rather than a meticulous but leaden wodge of exposition that would kill the scene.

Here are my early options:

1) It is initially put down to Dorn having special access to messages on the Astronomicon / the Astropathic network as he is The Emperor's Praetorian, and his legion is based on Terra. Could the message have been thought to been relayed back first from Olympia to Terra, and then back out to the Iron Warrior fleet?

2) Make it clear that they may have disliked each other, but it had not occurred even to Perturabo that Dorn would ever turn out to be a traitor... For all his failings, he thought him to be loyal to his father. This might need their characteristic feelings of suspicion and paranoia to really only be triggered (or significantly heightened) by the events of the Heresy, and were caused by environmental factors rather than innate traits of the Perturabo gene-seed.

3) Foreshadow things so that disaffection with the legion has already been mentioned, and is at first believably attributable to something of Olympian origins... Going back to my earlier, pre-edited drafts, I considered either using the deposed Tyrant of Lochos kicking up a fuss at losing power (what happened in the norm-'verse, so it would be a good nod to that and perhaps work to make the reader believe it was really him rather than Dorn) or possibly cities with a rivalry with Lochos even before The Emperor arrived and imposed his rule on them.

4) Something else...


Any ideas you guys have will be appreciated about this - Having read it I am leaning towards the misdirect with the deposed former ruler of Lochos, but it may take a while to get it into place so everything is up for grabs.

It's going to be interesting. ;)


Thanks again for the help with this,
John.
Posted Image

Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn

#31
Ferrus Manus

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Out of the options you've given John, I think 2 sounds the best. However, I would look at possibly the idea that Perturabo receives the message from Olympia, this irritates him but he believes it's nothing that the IWs on Olympia can't handle - until Dorn sends him the message you originally put in. This mic taking sends Perturabo over the edge, clouds his reason and he goes home. This makes a trinity of events for the Iron Warriors where their logic was clouded by emotion; another reason to be cold and calculating, they could see it as the time they failed to stop Dorn before the Heresy could really kick off?

Edited by Ferrus Manus, 12 February 2010 - 09:16 PM.

 
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#32
Ferrata

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Just thinking of some random names for the Space Port

Hestia (Goddess of the hearth and home, the focal point of every household) I thought this worked nicely with the massive nature and supply idea of the port.

Ouranos (God of Heavens)

Alexiares and Anicetus (Twin guardians of Mount Olympus) for the Space Port and Mountain

And Matt, surely it should be Fermundman :P or Ferfersig :P

#33
Aurelius Rex

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Many, many thanks to you guys for the excellent feedback! :D It was invaluable. I have re-written whole paragraphs and even added another colourpiece (revealing just what a manipulator Horus is) over the last day or so, then proofed it twice more and still found things that had been staring me in the face. I hope you don't mind that I have not responded to specific points - there would be so much to cover that it would take a fortnight :( but suffice to say that they all got me thinking, and while there are the odd point that I ultimately didn't alter, it is probably because I couldn't think of a better way to present it, especially with time running out. :blink: If you guys were

@Phil - I went with your Olympian twins suggestion for the mountain / spaceport in the end. Your other suggestion got me thinking about a cornucopea (sp) reference, but Almaltheum seemed less punchy than what you had already suggested. FerSigMan or Matphimat were also in the running, but lost out at the last minute. I also loved your section for Perturabo's death - that went in word for word, I think. :tu:

@Matt - What did Dorn think of being assigned the garrisons? Well, that will be covered in the IF article, but it will be involved as one of the triggers for his fall to Chaos. Watch this space. :)


:yes: It was a scramble at the end - sidebar / colourpiece BBCoding is always a huge pain in the bum for me - but I think I managed to get most of it to work in the end.

Sorry for the lack of coherence at the moment, but my mind is like mush! Again, many thanks for your help with this, guys - I couldn't have got it to this stage without you. :)

Time to post it, and get some much needed sleep. -_-

Cheers,
John.
Posted Image

Alternate Heresy Index Astartes articles for the World Eaters, Emperor's Children, Raven Guard, Word Bearers,
Ultramarines, White Scars, Space Wolves, Thousand Sons and Blood Angels available as a pdf
Click here for the Legio Imprint download thread
Iron Warriors +++ Iron Hands +++ Alpha Legion +++ Dark Angels

Index Astartes: Scions of Dorn