Jonas Stromclaw Posted January 18, 2010 Share Posted January 18, 2010 Perhaps a little about the returned traitors confusion, such as, "The returned astartes gaped at their surroundings, their astonished voices echoing around the cavernous throne chamber. Their surprise turned to joy as they recognized their revered primarchs, once more whole and untainted, standing around the Throne." Something like that. It's a little too bland as is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 18, 2010 Author Share Posted January 18, 2010 Thanks Jonas, umm i liked that soo much please can i 'borrow' it and put it into my story? Eited the last chapter as Jonas had a much better way for the fallen legiosn return. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
astartes88 Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 well that settles the concern of the traitor legions leaving the eye. Abit corny about the big E changing the whole heresy but hey i guess it would work. good work old chap keep it coming!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted January 19, 2010 Share Posted January 19, 2010 It's good, but I think the monologue at the end could be improved on. Other than that, great read, keep up the work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 19, 2010 Author Share Posted January 19, 2010 Yes i know it is a bit corny but i think it is very plausible as the Emperor would have a connection with them, one which he could exploit. Thank you though Astartes. Thanks Skirax, i just dont know how to write ii, but anyways i changed it and hope it is better than what i wrote before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swarffy Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 This story is really sweet. May not be in fluff but i like it. The only problem i have is that i dont feel like there is enough meat on it. It feels as though you rushed the revival of the emperor, and receiving the emperor's forgiveness should have been a little harder. They should have at least got a smack to the face. I also feel as though there is gonna be some mistrust, and tension. between the primarchs. Its not easy to just forgive someone for turning to chaos, even if a god tells you. Hope you explore that area as well. K, im not gonna lie. Making billions, maybe trillions, of people and marines forget something that happened 10k years ago. Thats farfetched, even for this story. But i also dont know how you would do that. Maybe the transaction would be long, couple hundred years or something, but in the mean time the traitor legions and loyal legions fight on different fronts so as to avoid confrontation. On a side note are they just gonna tear up all xenos? Cuz i remember reading that one of the reasons that the eldar started fighting the imperium, was because when they first met, forget who, he was carrying a sword that contained a demon, and thats the main reason they started fighting. But i dont know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonas Stromclaw Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Thanks Jonas, umm i liked that soo much please can i 'borrow' it and put it into my story? Eited the last chapter as Jonas had a much better way for the fallen legiosn return. Pfff, sure, take any of my ideas. I can never remember them more than 5 seconds :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 Swarffy thank you for your comments, personally i think the idea of him wiping a memory is quite possible as he has a connection with them. Just like the chaos gods have a connection with their worshipper and bestow gifts(if you can call them that) upon their servants. Yes i will be exploring the tensions, just because when the Emperors around things seem rosesy doesn't mean they've forgiven one another ;) Jonas, hah ;) I will add another chapter maybe 2 tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Captain Ming Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Um, Calgar? I'm waiting very impatiently for an update... :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 26, 2010 Author Share Posted January 26, 2010 Didn't realise people were, writing up some stuff now but getting bit stuck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 26, 2010 Author Share Posted January 26, 2010 Constantin drew his sword, "Robute, Dorn with me! Let us cast out these foul traitors from His most inner most Sanctum!" he roared. The Space Marines below looked around confused; they were being labelled traitors, such a stupid notion. “You dare accuse us of turning from the Emperors light?” Abaddon shouted, his voice reverberated around the Throne room. “The Emperor wills our return, do not draw your weapons on us” Magnus commanded. “Why should we listen to you? Only the Emperor commands our blades! And now he has been interred again on His throne, no doubt by your traitorous hand! Valdor retorted. “No. This is the Will of the Emperor, will you disobey Him?” Sanguinius questioned. “Stand your men down, Captain-General; there has been enough blood shed between brothers” he continued. There was a high pitched whine and the ring of several armoured foot steps. The Emperor strode forth, resplendent in his armour, His eyes were ablaze with power. “All fighting amongst one another will cease! The time to unite humanity and conquer the stars has come again, we will put our differences aside and our crusade will begin again! Any one who disobeys my decree will face my wrath; our differences matter not now, let us turn back the tide of Mans enemies my sons!” The whole room erupted into cheers and cries of jubilation. Every single Custodian Guard and space Marine knelt, showing their devotion and loyalty to their Emperor. “I sense at the heart of this world lies corruption and deceit. We will remove this stain, I will have to entrust this onto you my sons for there is much I have to do, alone” The Emperor was now speaking to just the Primarchs and Constantin. “What is that Father?” Magnus asked. “It is not your place to ask or to know” Guilliman interrupted. “Actually, you do all need to know. As you know we use the warp to travel and you know of all the dangers that come with that. I was working on an Imperial Web way, underneath my throne there is a connection to the Eldar web way system. Now when Magnus warned me before he broke the wards that protected this palace and allowed thousands of daemons into here through the web way. Now I will be required to stay here to keep the web way from being breached again and to work on the Imperial Web way with the help of Magnus. I am afraid I cannot lead and fight with you, I will be appointing Sanguinius as Warmaster to lead you.” the Emperor added. A look of confusion crossed Sanguinius face, “Not to question your judgement Father but wasn’t this how trouble started last time by having a figure of power?” “Ha! Bet your not happy Robute? Being made second best again” Leman chortled. “I have never expressed a desire to become Warmaster Russ. If I had, I could have easily done so after the Scouring, could I not?” Guilliman replied through gritted teeth. “I have the utmost faith and support for Sanguinius” he added. “I am sorry Father but I will not accept this” Sanguinius said, rejecting the Emperors offer. “Horus should be Warmaster. He has the natural ability to lead and the experience Father” Sanguinius added. “I would not let that traitorous bastard lead me into a tavern!” Russ roared. Vulkan, Ferrus and Khan nodded in agreement. A wave of shame and guilt flooded Horus, who now was looking down at his feet. “Sanguinius has a point, up until Isstvan Horus was doing a good job that you cannot deny brothers.” The Lion spoke out. “Trust you to side with him, turning your back on us again” Taunted Russ. “Do not question my loyalty, you flea ridden mutt!” Johnson roared in anger, making for Russ, “Lion does have a valid point Leman, if you weren’t so hot headed you would see this” Guilliman intervened, now positioning himself in between the Lion and the Wolf. “Sanguinius it should be you, as I said when I was first made Warmaster, it should be you. For all your aloof coolness brother you have the strength and vision to carry us to victory and the wisdom to rule once the victory is won. Each of us carries a part of our Emperor in us, Magnus has his psychic talent, Angron and Russ his martial prowess, Johnson his tactical mind and so forth; but you my brother you have it all. Out of any of us the title of Warmaster belongs to you the most” Horus orated passionately. “Horus is right” Dorn added. Sanguinius spun around looking at each and every of his brother Primarch. Each giving him words of encouragement and support. “So be it Father, I accept your appointment of Warmaster” Sanguinius spoke softly, his head bowed in thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Wow, an Angel as a master of War... Now I didn't see that one coming! ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 26, 2010 Author Share Posted January 26, 2010 Well he is the best suited for the job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Captain Ming Posted January 26, 2010 Share Posted January 26, 2010 Yes, I totally agree Calgar. So far it's still a good read. What are you stuck on? I'll be happy to help. PM me so I know what direction you're trying to take this story...but Gazkull (sp?) is always a good bad guy, so are the Necrons, and I bet the Eldar aren't too happy with this...and there's the shadow in the warp to deal with...oh where to start? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 Well, there was a comedic thread not long ago that had all of the Legions fighting the C'tan. But, maybe do this: Alpha Legion in a campaign vs. Eldar; Trickery versus Trickery. Imperial Fists + Iron Warriors vs. the Tyranids/Orks? There are a lot of the xenos, but there are also a lot of Marine heavy guns. Ultramarines vs. Tau. I'm sure they're bored now of them. All the rest vs. Chaos/Necrons. Have the Inquisition raize any Tomb Worlds with Exterminatus, then the Legions move in to kill any remaining survivors in the collapsed catacombs. Then have the Emperor and his Custodes and the entire Grey Knights Chapter go on a campaign in the Eye of Terror to find the Chaos Gods. I'm sure that by now the Emperor nows where they are, or has some idea. Plus, since Custodes have the Pariah gene, no Psychic powers can affect them, which is what all Daemonic attacks are (Fluff-wise). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Share Posted January 27, 2010 Well we'll see what happens :) :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antique_nova Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 not bad at all, but it could still flow better at times ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Share Posted January 27, 2010 Thanks, care to point out these 'times?' Alos tonight will hopefully see and epic fight between two Gods :P and some Tau get slaughtered, muwhahahaha, ummm bye :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 Two Gods? *in best Yoda impression* Interesting, this shall be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 27, 2010 Author Share Posted January 27, 2010 Tired after hockey practice, so wont be adding tonight but two chapters tomorrow, sorry folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 28, 2010 Author Share Posted January 28, 2010 “Now that I am assured that the rebuilding of our Imperium is in safe hands I must go to Mars, there is much I have to do my sons. I will explain this in due course” the Emperor informed the Primarchs. “Magnus I need you to stay here, for when I return I will need your help with the Imperial web way.” he added looking at the Cyclopean giant. “As you command Father” Magnus answered. The air was filled with heavy static, the hairs on the backs of the Primarchs necks standing up. A white ball began to envelope the Emperor, there was a discharge of warp energy and the Emperor was gone. The Emperor looked around, the red walls had weird symbols engraved into them; the Emperor recognized them as prayers to the Omnissiah. He looked ahead, there was a massive door; a cog with skull on one half and bionic skull on the other. Two Warlord titans flanked the door way. Their huge guns turned to point at the Emperor; “The Omnissiah commands you to stand down” he ordered his eyes were glowing orange in colour. For a brief second the Warlords were surrounded by an orange light; their guns stopping in their tracks. He walked forwards, the door turned transparent; as if it was not there the Emperor strode forth. The Emperor was now in a huge cavernous room; servitors milled about, various machines lay about on tables. “Who dares enter my domain?” came a booming, mechanical voice. “I do the Omnissiah and Emperor of mankind” the Emperor shouted back. The whir of cogs and pistons filled the air; the little light that came from the wall mounted torches cast a big, shifting shadow. A large figure loomed, mechadendrites flexed in the air behind the Fabricator General like a swarm. “You are not the Omnissiah, impostor!” Roared the Mago’s mechanical voice, it was as cold and unemotional as the metallic alloys his mechadendrites were made from. Like darts several mechadendrites shot out from the mass towards the Emperor. The Emperors sword slashed through with ease, leaving sparks shooting from their ends. The Fabricator General screamed in pain, and then he shouted something in binary; several servitors sporting combat weapons for arms. Unlike other servitors these had bionic limbs and were bounding toward the Emperor. Their faces lacked fear or any emotion at all. Red lightning leapt from the Emperors hand and encased the combat servitors; within moments they were smoking husks. “Do you wish for this to continue? Send more of my worshippers forwards to fight me, it will end in the same was as them” The Emperor remarked. “I will never yield to an impostor!” the fabricator General retorted, stepping forwards out of the shadows. Steam shot out of his pistons, as they strained to keep him upright, “You will bow before your god!” The Emperors voiced boomed, shaking the room. The Fabricator General was now on his knees, his mechadendrites were now snaking their way around his body and neck. “Do you still dare to refute that I am the Omnissiah?” the Emperor snarled. “Yes, for the Omnissiah is already here” the Fabricator General wheezed. The Emperor growled, his face a sea of anger, he left through the door. The fabricator general still lay on the floor, his life force slowly ebbing out of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 Nice, great cliffhanger at the end. Who is posing as the Omnissiah?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 28, 2010 Author Share Posted January 28, 2010 I like to leave each chapters with cliffhangers if possible, and well the former fabricator general seems to think the Emperor is.... going to write another chapter now but its going to be a bit anti-climactic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 28, 2010 Author Share Posted January 28, 2010 The Emperor looked ahead, the plain door was unguarded; there would be no interruptions he thought. Pistons whirred and there was a hiss of steam as the door opened. Apart from the green glowing of strange symbols upon the cavern walls. The Emperor closed his eyes; he felt his mind wander onwards throughout the vast expanse, nothing, nothing. He could feel its hunger, oh how it desired to feast upon something, anything. The air around the Emperor began to become saturated with static as he began to focus his psychic might. His head was aglow with a nimbus of power, lightning danced around his hands, his sword was glowing orange, it could have been likened to a sun. He continued on in the relative darkness, and then he saw it. The beast lay there chains pinned it down; a sheath of blue light covered it; the stasis field had been emplaced there by the Emperor himself and he now returned to finish what he had started. An expression of sheer determination filled the Emperors face even as the bolt of warp power destroyed the stasis field. For a moment there was silence, and then the beast stirred. Its eyes shot open, revealing a fluorescent green light. A primordial and ravenous scream erupted through the cavern as the Void Dragon awoke from its millennial slumber. “Foul beast, your demise will soon be upon you; your stain will be removed from this galaxy!” The Emperor roared as he charged the C’tan. It shook its silvery head and charged; it stood a whole head and shoulders taller then the Emperor, its necrodermis too was made from the living metal that the Necrons made use of. The Void Dragon resembled a bipedal reptilian; its two arms were spread out before him as he let out another low, guttural roar. The Emperor drew near, poised to swing his blade at the beasts head. A silver armoured fist smashed into the Emperors chest, sending him sprawling into the cavern wall, his sword skidded off out of his reach. Before he could react a silver foot pinned the Emperor to the floor, he cried out in frustration as memories of his battle with Horus flooded into his head. “Yours will a very tasty soul indeed, foul warp being” The C’tan mocked, his head next to the Emperors. The cavern shook, rocks falling from the unseen ceiling as the Emperor roared in fury. Red lightning snaked up the Emperors left arm and it began to wind its way up the Void Dragons leg; with a thunderous noise the Void Dragon was blasted away through the air. He quickly got to his feet, summoning his sword he charged the Void Dragon again. The Void Dragon outstretched his right arm, a staff began to form. It was tipped with a fluorescent green blade. There was a deafening noise as a stream of gauss energy was shot from the C’tans staff. With agility that belied his size the Emperor dodged what he regarded a desperate attack. He felt the air become even more saturated with the warp and he felt his power building inside him. The staff came swinging at him, his sword came up instantly blocking the attack; sparks of green and orange flew through the air. “I can taste your soul from here, let me feast. It won’t be that painful” the Void Dragon laughed, its mechanical voiced echoed throughout the cavern. Blow after blow was traded between the two gods, blows that would of cleaved mountains apart. They were to fast for even the eyes of the Eldar to register, even the god-like sons of the Emperor would have had difficulty of following the titanic duel between the Emperor and the Void Dragon. With skill of millennia the Emperor parried blow after erratic blow; the Void dragon although weakened in its state of hunger was still a formidable opponent. The Emperor let out a cry of anger and slashed through the Void dragons staff, who in turn hefted the Emperor in to the air by his neck. A smile crossed the Master of Mankind’s face, once again red lighting leapt from his body and struck the Void Dragon square in the face; causing it to fall to the ground. The Emperor felt a huge surge of the warp channel through him, his armour was surrounded by the power of the warp, bolts of power danced all over his armour. The Emperor pointed his sword towards the Void Dragons head, “Like the foul beast you are I will smite you down” he roared triumphantly. The noise was deafening, the ear drums if lesser beings would have been immediately have exploded. A beam of purple energy shot down the Emperors blade and thundered in to the beleaguered Void Dragon. The static that filled the air had now gone, the Emperor was doubled over panting, his energy spent. There was a loud ear piercing screech, one that forced the Emperor to cover his head. The Void Dragons necrodermis was split down his front, a green light was glowing from it. The screeches of the Void Dragon got louder, then the green light disappeared and the necrodermis fell lifelessly to the floor. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted January 28, 2010 Author Share Posted January 28, 2010 No one wants to comment? :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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