Jump to content

Welcome to The Bolter and Chainsword
Register now to gain access to all of our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to create topics, post replies to existing threads, give reputation to your fellow members, get your own private messenger, post status updates, manage your profile and so much more. If you already have an account, login here - otherwise create an account for free today!
Photo

Death Riders IA


  • This topic is locked This topic is locked
22 replies to this topic

#1
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

    ++ VISUM COLORATOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI ++
  • 3,794 posts
  • Location:The Liber Heraldry Department
  • Faction: Sons Of Doom,Vanquishers
Well I'm back again, this time with a rework on my Cursed Foundings Competition entry from 2007. Please comment/critique.

The Inquisition


The Inquisition was immediately called to watch over the Death Riders after receiving the news of what had happened to the chapter and their gene-seed. A radical Inquisitor, Isaac Pullox was sent to enact the judgement of the Inquisition upon the chapter. He sent the chapter upon a crusade in the Ladonite system to see their intents and means of combat. The Death Riders fought against the Orks that had been plaguing the system, alongside the Catachan 659th Company of Imperial Guard in the fortress city of Tirith. As the battle reached its peak, the Ork lines soon began to break as an unknown source of bombardment pounded and smashed the lines. But soon the bombardment soon began to fall upon their lines, banners appeared on the horizon and it became clear that it was no ally of the Imperium. A chant of heretical litanies heralded the presence of the Word Bearers.

Out in orbit of the planet, Inquisitor Pullox watched as the Death Riders fought hard and protected the positions against their battering ram of Chaos Marines and their warriors after the Orks had been utterly annihilated by the Chaos force. He expected them to turn sides and join the forces of chaos, but it didn't happen. The Death Riders roared a cry of defiance and launched into a charge alongside the Catachans at the Word Bearers. Upon seeing this, Pullox sent a video transmission of the battle seeking advice from the Inquisition if the chapter is tainted and should be exterminated or are an asset to be used alongside the Exorcists and other members of the Ordos Inquisition.

After seeing this, the Inquisition sent the Death Riders on a second crusade in the Fermax system whilst they decided their fate. After months of deliberation, the Inquisition declared the chapter as not being Excommunicate and was to be only used as fighters around the Eye of Terror and they were to be kept under severe scrutiny. The chapter could also not be used by any other member of the Imperium apart from the Inquisition (bar the High Lords of Terra). To hide their tracks and any evidence of the chapter still existing to avoid questions from others, the Death Riders were to be listed as “Lost in the Warp” and would remain that way. Chapter Master Neopyren agreed to this with a heavy heart knowing that if he did not agree his brothers would be cast into the fiery depths of an Exterminatus.

From that time on, the chapter would only fight against the ruinous powers of the Warp alongside the Ordos Inquisition and the Praeses around the Eye of Terror. No other members of the Praeses knew exactly whom they are, the common belief being the Death Riders to be a new form of the Exorcists. Rumours have even whispered of them being members of the widely fabled Legion of the Damned. The Inquisition encouraged these rumours to ensure the actual identity of whom the Astartes were. During battles, the Death Riders were ordered to keep on a strict "no communications" to anyone but themselves.

But after two centuries since the agreement had been made with the Inquisition, the chapter mysteriously disappeared after being ordered to find a new homeworld to choose as their own instead of their existing one. They are currently declared as “Lost in the Warp.” But it is rumoured that they still exist and their location is only known to a handful of High Lord Inquisitors. During the 13th Black Crusade, it was said that marines in the heraldry of the Death Riders protected a company of the Thunder Axes but this was left unfounded. Since the Black Crusade, no other reported sightings of the Doom Riders were found, but a piece of writing discovered in the latter years of the 41st millennium from a chaos cult described of
“Black giants with burning arms wielding weapons of terror and destruction”, thus hinting that the Death Riders may still exist and fighting in the name of the Emperor.

Combat Doctrine and Organisation

The Death Riders were a close combat oriented chapter, preferring to fight eye to eye with their enemy, so their victims knew exactly who had killed them. The most common battle tactic used by the chapter, was to strike with their small Devastator squads first, softening up the target before as described by Captain Furon of the 3rd company, "Release living Hell upon them" with punishing strikes from their assault squads and finally outflanking the remnants with their hidden tactical squads. The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy whilst they believed that the Death Riders have left them, only to be ambushed with their guard down. This had proven to very effective against almost all of the Chapter’s enemies. The Death Riders relied on being a fully mechanised force, using Rhinos and Razorbacks to keep their forces in time with the advancing squadrons of bikes and Land Speeders.

Death Riders’ Battle Company Squad Structure

Squad NumberSquad Type
1st :tu:-Veteran
2nd-4th :)- Tactical
5th-9th:D Assault
10th:HS: Devastator

The make up of Death Riders’ company was a non-codex oriented method. Each company relied on Assault squads more than any other squadron type. Whilst Devastators are seen to be vital to success within the chapter, only a single squad exists in each battle company, with the spare squad element used for an extra assault squad. The same applies within the tactical squad elements, with the fifth squad being used as an assault squad. The fourth company is a unique one within the Death Riders, as it is one that holds no biker squads, the four places being used as jump pack assault squads. Terminator is not commonly used by the chapter, but there are a number of suits ready for a heavy assault when necessary, with the veterans of the chapter preferring more on jump packed assaults.

Home World

The Death Rider's former home planet was a volcanic death world called, Firax. The population on average would only spend 21 years on the black rock, whose face changed daily from fissures and volcanic eruptions.

The planet was also infested with a deadly reptile called the Black Reaper, superbly quick creatures that could only be caught when chased down by bikes or other forms of fast transport. Whenever an initiate had passed his training, the final test consisted of being left with only a combat knife and jetpack with limited fuel to hunt and kill a Black Reaper. He would then have to return over the jagged and sharp mountain ranges that encircled the fortress with its skull. The newly ascended brother then traditionally wore the teeth of the creature around their neck or somewhere else on his armour. Some marines (mostly officers) would hold at least 5 pairs of teeth, providing them supreme respect amongst their brothers.

The Mechanicum of Mars had established a space port upon the southern hemisphere of the planet where the tectonic activity was at its lowest, providing the ability for fresh ores and other important industrial raw materials to be transported out to the Forgeworlds. It is also where the Death Riders’ fleet would reside and be refitted and fixed if necessary by the techpriests and techmarines of the chapter, who had a permanent garrison at the centre of the spaceport.

Battlecry

The battlecry of the Death Riders was originally “For Firax and the Emperor!” Once the Chapter joined the Inquisition, it became “Burn the Damned!” due to their mutation of the gene-seed. The Chaplains generally roared the battlecry but in a fight any member of the chapter would thunder it as they charge into the enemy.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

All C+C appreciated. :)

Cambrius

Edited by Brother Cambrius, 08 January 2010 - 04:26 PM.

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#2
Ferrus Manus

Ferrus Manus

    +LEXICANUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 2,723 posts
  • Location:UK
  • Faction: Lions Eternal
Hey Cam, nice to see you around again. I take it Uni's going well?

But anyway...

Origins

the High Lords of Terra decreed for the founding of a chapter to be made from the seed of Corax

This bit is a bit awkward. 'the High Lords of terra decreed that a chapter should be founded from the seed of Corax'?

Deep within the devoted halls of the Mechanicum on Mars, genetic changes were made to the Primarch’s geneseed. The records of the alterations that were made have since been lost to the Imperium, by the records being expunged or simply lost it is unknown.

Granted, GW have told us this; try and keep an air of mystery about it, don't be so explict. It's what makes these cursed founding chapters more interesting :P

A marine of the Black Guard's Vanguard was chosen to be this new chapter’s Master, who’s name was Simmern Nehkben.

They couldn't find someone more senior than a 1st Coy Vet? No one in the Chapter's command ranks wanted the honour of leading a new Chapter?

During the initial tests, the Chapter proved to be exceedingly successful at lightning assaults and Planetstrike assaults.

Hrmm, it could be argued that this is standard Astartes tactics. I'd suggest saying something that the chapter preferred this kind of thing, and chose not to get bogged down. I'm not sure.

where Ork Warboss Kruncha’s WAAAAGH! had subjugated the Imperial presence upon the worlds. The strength and numbers of the Orks gathering to the system was alarmingly increasing at a potentially catastrophic pace. With fire in their hearts and the word of the Emperor upon their lips, the Doom Riders fell upon the first planet of the system.

You're starting these sentences in mid-sentence. Either change the full stops to a semi-colon or a comma. Watch out for this later on in the article as well.

The Change

At the battle for the planet Neosol, Chief Librarian, Lessen Sentrum cast bolts of vengeful lightning from his hand, out into the mass of Chaos, which was being led by a Greater Daemon.

Too many commas, take out the ones in bold.

Strangely, he found that the lightning bonded with the flames coming out of the hand of the Greater Daemon and the two were locked in an almighty power struggle.

This is a bit clunky. 'Strangely, he found that his lightning bonded with the warp fire of the Greater Daemon. These two mighty powers were locked in an almighty struggle.'?

With a scream of pain, Sentrum turned into to ash and molten slag from his armour.

Every marine braced themselves to fight the heat and power of the fire, but none of them fell as Sentrum had done to the same flames.

the fire representing their task of cleansing the enemies of the Imperium with His holy fire.

Don't use 'fire' twice, go with 'wrath' or something the second time.


+++++++++++++++++++

It's getting late, I'll finish going through the rest of it tomorrow. So far I think the basics are there, they just need refining.
Just a suggestion.
 
My WIP Space Marine Chapter

#3
Dark Apostle Thirst

Dark Apostle Thirst

    ++ DISCIPULUS GRADIOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI CEDO ++
  • 4,235 posts
  • Location:Compass of War
  • Faction: Storm Krakens
The only thing that I have to say is most people won't like the name Doom Riders if only because of that horrible model. Change it to Riders of Doom or Doom Bringers?

#4
Ferrus Manus

Ferrus Manus

    +LEXICANUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 2,723 posts
  • Location:UK
  • Faction: Lions Eternal
As promised Cam...

The Inquisition

The Inquisition was immediately called to watch over the chapter after receiving the news of what had happened to the chapter and their gene-seed.

You've repeated 'the chapter' it jars the sentence. I would stop after 'what had happened'.

the Orks lines soon began to break as an unknown source of bombardment pounded and smashed their lines.


Out in orbit of the planet, Inquisitor Pullox watched as the Doom Riders fought hard and protected the positions against their battering ram of Chaos Marines

Emphasis mine.

The rest of the section is fine B)

Combat Doctrine and Organisation

The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy whilst they believed that the Doom Riders have left them and were then attacked by surprise from the Tactical Squads.

Same as before, you're repeating yourself at the end of a sentence. I'd change the ending to something like '...left them, they would then be ambushed whilst their guard was down.' Or something.

The entire chapter were is a mechanised force, relying on Rhinos and Razorbacks to keep their forces in time with the advancing squadrons of bikes and Land Speeders.

Emphasis mine.

The make up of Doom Riders’ company was is a non-codex oriented method.

Same again, you're in past tense when the Chapter is still alive and kicking.

No issues with the Homeworld section, except it's a bit short.

+++++++++++++++++++

Anyway, I hope that helps. As I said before, the groundwork is there it just needs refinement.

Edited by Ferrus Manus, 07 January 2010 - 10:07 AM.

 
My WIP Space Marine Chapter

#5
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

    ++ VISUM COLORATOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI ++
  • 3,794 posts
  • Location:The Liber Heraldry Department
  • Faction: Sons Of Doom,Vanquishers

Hey Cam, nice to see you around again. I take it Uni's going well?

But anyway...


Yep all is going well at Aber Uni. I managed to discover that a new friend was the Redshirt who got me into this 40k business when he worked at Cardiff GW too. Oh the fool he was. :D If only he knew what he had released upon the fictional universe.

Origins

Deep within the devoted halls of the Mechanicum on Mars, genetic changes were made to the Primarch’s geneseed. The records of the alterations that were made have since been lost to the Imperium, by the records being expunged or simply lost it is unknown.


Granted, GW have told us this; try and keep an air of mystery about it, don't be so explict. It's what makes these cursed founding chapters more interesting ;)


Now this is interesting. The last time I posted this I was told to do the exact opposite, so I'm not sure where to lie on this one. I haven't let on what exactly was changed mind, so a little air of mystery still exists. :)

A marine of the Black Guard's Vanguard was chosen to be this new chapter’s Master, who’s name was Simmern Nehkben.

They couldn't find someone more senior than a 1st Coy Vet? No one in the Chapter's command ranks wanted the honour of leading a new Chapter?


I've decided to go Captain of the 8th company now instead. Makes sense for the leader of the all assault company to be the one in charge to start with.

where Ork Warboss Kruncha’s WAAAAGH! had subjugated the Imperial presence upon the worlds. The strength and numbers of the Orks gathering to the system was alarmingly increasing at a potentially catastrophic pace. With fire in their hearts and the word of the Emperor upon their lips, the Doom Riders fell upon the first planet of the system.


You're starting these sentences in mid-sentence. Either change the full stops to a semi-colon or a comma. Watch out for this later on in the article as well.


Ahh my old nemesis...Adjusted where spotted.

The Change

Strangely, he found that the lightning bonded with the flames coming out of the hand of the Greater Daemon and the two were locked in an almighty power struggle.

This is a bit clunky. 'Strangely, he found that his lightning bonded with the warp fire of the Greater Daemon. These two mighty powers were locked in an almighty struggle.'?


Changed.

The only thing that I have to say is most people won't like the name Doom Riders if only because of that horrible model. Change it to Riders of Doom or Doom Bringers?


Hmm, well the Doom Bringers was actually the first name of the DIY army I own now (see sig for current name) and it's already taken by another member who's established a Doom Bringer chapter well. I'm considering the name Death Riders as an alternative. Opinions?

The entire chapter were is a mechanised force, relying on Rhinos and Razorbacks to keep their forces in time with the advancing squadrons of bikes and Land Speeders.

Emphasis mine.

The make up of Doom Riders’ company was is a non-codex oriented method.

Same again, you're in past tense when the Chapter is still alive and kicking.

No issues with the Homeworld section, except it's a bit short.


Ah but are they alive and kicking? ;)

Thanks for the readthrough and suggestions. As you can see some changes have been made to refine the IA. Name of chapter is still debated within my head.

Cambrius

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#6
Starblayde

Starblayde

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 488 posts
  • Location:Staffordshire, UK
  • Faction: Angels Eternal

It was seen that when a Chaos warrior touched the armour or vehicle of a Doom Rider, they instantly caught fire and were burned to death.

A little too uber, I'd say otherwise why wouldn't the Inquisition just order the Doom Riders to go and bump into every Daemon they can find until the Eye of Terror is clear? Some unusual beneficial power against Chaos is one thing, but insta-touch-death is too much. Tone this down somewhat and it'll work better.

After months of deliberation, the Inquisition declared the chapter as not being Excommunicate and was to be only used as fighters around the Eye of Terror... To hide their tracks and any evidence of the chapter still existing to avoid questions from others, the Doom Riders were to be listed as “Lost in the Warp” and would remain that way. Should someone discover that the chapter existed, they would be immediately silenced.

Incredibly useful to the Imperium, yet kept more-secret than the Grey Knights, LotD or the Blood Angels' Rage/Thirst/Flaw? A shadowy Chapter is one thing, but something so secret as to slaughter anyone who even knew about it is, for me, again too much. Listed as 'Missing' or 'Lost' should be enough for them, and orders for Marine and Guard captains to keep their mouths shut (or, indeed, mis-information about when they do appear) would help them be less of the Cursed by Awesome stereotype.

Iron Gauntlet Challenge 1: 3/20

Edited by Starblayde, 07 January 2010 - 04:35 PM.

The Angels Eternal, an Iron Gauntlet Challenger: Index Astartes, Painting Log & Fiction
W/D/L? Pfft. Games Enjoyed/Disliked: 12/0.

#7
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

    ++ VISUM COLORATOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI ++
  • 3,794 posts
  • Location:The Liber Heraldry Department
  • Faction: Sons Of Doom,Vanquishers

It was seen that when a Chaos warrior touched the armour or vehicle of a Doom Rider, they instantly caught fire and were burned to death.

A little too uber, I'd say otherwise why wouldn't the Inquisition just order the Doom Riders to go and bump into every Daemon they can find until the Eye of Terror is clear? Some unusual beneficial power against Chaos is one thing, but insta-touch-death is too much. Tone this down somewhat and it'll work better.

After months of deliberation, the Inquisition declared the chapter as not being Excommunicate and was to be only used as fighters around the Eye of Terror... To hide their tracks and any evidence of the chapter still existing to avoid questions from others, the Doom Riders were to be listed as “Lost in the Warp” and would remain that way. Should someone discover that the chapter existed, they would be immediately silenced.

Incredibly useful to the Imperium, yet kept more-secret than the Grey Knights, LotD or the Blood Angels' Rage/Thirst/Flaw? A shadowy Chapter is one thing, but something so secret as to slaughter anyone who even knew about it is, for me, again too much. Listed as 'Missing' or 'Lost' should be enough for them, and orders for Marine and Guard captains to keep their mouths shut (or, indeed, mis-information about when they do appear) would help them be less of the Cursed by Awesome stereotype.

Iron Guantlet Challenge 1: 3/20


Hmm yes I had a suspicion that it was suffering MIA syndrome...I'll look through that and tone down that part, perhaps the fires simply cause the sins of chaos marines to roar through their minds or similar?

The =][= part shall recieve some adjustments too, perhaps displaying them as a new form of the Excorsists as previously mentioned, or believed to be the fabled Legion of the Damned perhaps?

Cambrius

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#8
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

    ++ VISUM COLORATOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI ++
  • 3,794 posts
  • Location:The Liber Heraldry Department
  • Faction: Sons Of Doom,Vanquishers
Some more edits and a small edition in the Homeworld section have been added. :lol:

Cambrius

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#9
Ace Debonair

Ace Debonair

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 5,755 posts
  • Location:England, where it's probably raining
  • Faction: The Thousand Ideas

Soon it was seen that members of the First Company saw the same symptoms, strangely no marine that didn’t have flames emitting from their sword arm burnt any of their brethren.


Oddly enough, I suspect the ones with no fire on their arms would be the least capable of burning their allies. :)
I suspect I've spotted a mistake. :D

Death Riders is a solid name, should you decide to change it.
Also Sword Riders, Blade Riders, Edge Riders or something else related to the chapter's badge or colours.


This chapter's pretty good, all in all. Keep up the good work!

#10
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

    ++ VISUM COLORATOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI ++
  • 3,794 posts
  • Location:The Liber Heraldry Department
  • Faction: Sons Of Doom,Vanquishers

Soon it was seen that members of the First Company saw the same symptoms, strangely no marine that didn’t have flames emitting from their sword arm burnt any of their brethren.


Oddly enough, I suspect the ones with no fire on their arms would be the least capable of burning their allies. :)
I suspect I've spotted a mistake. :)

Death Riders is a solid name, should you decide to change it.
Also Sword Riders, Blade Riders, Edge Riders or something else related to the chapter's badge or colours.


Gah! :) To the Pain Glove with me!

Death Riders it will be maybe then. :D

Cambrius

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#11
Ace Debonair

Ace Debonair

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 5,755 posts
  • Location:England, where it's probably raining
  • Faction: The Thousand Ideas
Like I said, that's a pretty solid name. Sounds very much like rapidly approaching termination.

I wonder, can I count my previous post as 6/20 helpful comments? ;)
I'm uncertain if it's warranted for just one mistake.

#12
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

    ++ VISUM COLORATOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI ++
  • 3,794 posts
  • Location:The Liber Heraldry Department
  • Faction: Sons Of Doom,Vanquishers
And so their name shall be the Death riders! Let the enemies of man fear its very mention!

Cambrius

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#13
Grand Master Tyrak

Grand Master Tyrak

    + FRATER DOMUS +

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 4,837 posts
  • Location:Unknown
  • Faction: Codex Daemonhunters

His sword hand burst into flame and soon his entire arm did the same. Immediately he sought counsel with his command retinue. But after much discussion, tests of faith and purity, nothing could be found to deduce that Neopyren was not a threat to the chapter and could still command. Soon it was seen that members of the First Company saw the same symptoms, strangely no marine that had flames emitting from their sword arm burnt any of their brethren



I hate to throw cold water on this idea (no pun intended), but that's more or less what happened to the Flame Falcons. They were then purged and destroyed by the Grey Knights.

This is going to be a problem for you, unless you find some influential friends or run away.

"Be an Inquisition informer, betray your friends and family - Fabulous Prizes to be Won!"


#14
Argon

Argon

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 796 posts
  • Location:A place you are not

Each time the chapter proved its prowess as a strike force and soon its name became a byword for lightning assaults in the surrounding sector


Generally speaking, every Chapter acts as a strike force. The Astartes aren't made for extended periods of fighting. They can go for a year or two or possibly even three, but after a certain period of time it either becomes the Guard's problem or gets Exterminatus'd.
,

the great change occurred that would send them to an inevitable fate amongst their fellow chapters founded at the same time


The Minotaurs called, they'd like to talk to you :) .

As the chapter celebrated upon their fleet


I get what you're going for here. but it doesn't read very well. I suggest replacing "fleet" with "ships"

it became clear that is was no ally of the Imperium


Didn't your teachers teach you to use Gothic properly? :D

From that time on, the chapter would only fight against the ruinous powers of the Warp alongside the Ordos Inquisition and the Praeses around the Eye of Terror



You are aware that there's forces other than the Traitor Legions around the Eye, right? Ulthwe Craftworld, for starters, and I imagine there's more than a few Orks and Hrud.

softening up the target before as described by Captain Furon of the 3rd company, "Releasing living Hell upon them"



The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy whilst they believed that the Death Riders had left them and without warning, would be ambushed with their guard down


Again, I see what you mean here, but it reads poorly. Also, you usually don't get a warning before an ambush ;) .

I'd change this to something like "The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy, who believed the Death Riders had left them only to be ambushed with their guard down."


GAUNTLET COMMENTS CHALLENGE: 2/20
QUOTE (1000heathens @ Sep 8 2010, 07:00 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
'A Loyalist Marine once tried to best me. I ate his gene-seed with some fava beans and a nice chianti.'


I have a blog now! You should look at it!

Current projects:
------------------
Index Traitoris: Oblivion Knights Theme found. Finishing imcomplete sections
Index Astartes: Marines Exemplar Currently working on: Combat Doctrine. For the Iron Gauntlet!

#15
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

    ++ VISUM COLORATOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI ++
  • 3,794 posts
  • Location:The Liber Heraldry Department
  • Faction: Sons Of Doom,Vanquishers

His sword hand burst into flame and soon his entire arm did the same. Immediately he sought counsel with his command retinue. But after much discussion, tests of faith and purity, nothing could be found to deduce that Neopyren was not a threat to the chapter and could still command. Soon it was seen that members of the First Company saw the same symptoms, strangely no marine that had flames emitting from their sword arm burnt any of their brethren



I hate to throw cold water on this idea (no pun intended), but that's more or less what happened to the Flame Falcons. They were then purged and destroyed by the Grey Knights.

This is going to be a problem for you, unless you find some influential friends or run away.


Ah... -_- Forgot about that little feature. Well I may consider adjusting it slightly so that instead the Doom riders become the mercenaries of Inquisitor Pullox and work for him in a bid to keep alive. Maybe then they are discovered by the rest of the Ordos Hereticus and so Pullox is excecuted and the Death Riders "disappear".

Thoughts?

Each time the chapter proved its prowess as a strike force and soon its name became a byword for lightning assaults in the surrounding sector


Generally speaking, every Chapter acts as a strike force. The Astartes aren't made for extended periods of fighting. They can go for a year or two or possibly even three, but after a certain period of time it either becomes the Guard's problem or gets Exterminatus'd.


:lol: I'm trying to emphasize them as being better than your average chapter in this area of expertise, but I'm having trouble bringing it across. Any ideas on how to show that?

the great change occurred that would send them to an inevitable fate amongst their fellow chapters founded at the same time


The Minotaurs called, they'd like to talk to you.


Tell them I'm busy. :P I think adding the word "most" will be most appropriate here to avoid a vicious boarding action of my vessel...

As the chapter celebrated upon their fleet


I get what you're going for here. but it doesn't read very well. I suggest replacing "fleet" with "ships"


Maybe change "upon" to "in" would work?

it became clear that is was no ally of the Imperium


Didn't your teachers teach you to use Gothic properly? :huh:


Nah, they taught me Welsh instead. :huh: Has TISWAS on the brain thanks to my Dad...

From that time on, the chapter would only fight against the ruinous powers of the Warp alongside the Ordos Inquisition and the Praeses around the Eye of Terror



You are aware that there's forces other than the Traitor Legions around the Eye, right? Ulthwe Craftworld, for starters, and I imagine there's more than a few Orks and Hrud.


Will be changed slightly to show they fought against xenos as well as warp entities, but mostly the chaotic kind compared to the greenskin and star elves. ;)

softening up the target before as described by Captain Furon of the 3rd company, "Releasing living Hell upon them"



The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy whilst they believed that the Death Riders had left them and without warning, would be ambushed with their guard down


Again, I see what you mean here, but it reads poorly. Also, you usually don't get a warning before an ambush ;) .

I'd change this to something like "The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy, who believed the Death Riders had left them only to be ambushed with their guard down."


So adjusted. ;)

slight edits made again above.

Cambrius

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#16
The Nephilim

The Nephilim

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 1,116 posts
  • Location:Kansas City, MO
  • Faction: The Nephilim

Curiously as the numbers of the chapter slowly grew, a large excess of psykers appeared to become space marines. Noticing this as a possible change in recruitment, the Inquisition kept a close eye on the chapter. The Death Riders were sent on many crusades around the Eye of Terror and nearby due to their proximity to the area. Each time the chapter proved its prowess as a strike force and soon its name became a byword for lightning assaults in the surrounding sector.

Fixed.

But after two centuries since the agreement had been made with the Inquisition, the chapter mysteriously disappeared after being ordered to find a new homeworld to choose as their own instead of their existing one.

After becoming Inquisitorial lapdogs, they would be assigned a homeworld. I don’t see them being given a choice.

After thoughts: Your IA is good, but the curse isn’t original. There’s already a cursed founding that goes all Human Torch. In addition, the name Death Riders seems all 1980s biker gang and in a nutshell, weaksauce.

Chapter Master Nehkben declared to call his chapter the Death Riders, as they were the wave of oblivion to their enemies, waiting to wreck and annihilate them like a wave of a firestorm.

So using your own words here, here’s some word-vomit maybe to help inspire a better sounding, not old biker gang, sounding name:
- Oblivion, Annihilation, Desolation, Extinction
- Knights, Reavers, Heralds, Harbingers, Bringers

Some combinations I like:
Knights of Desolation
Extinction Heralds

“I bring you the symphony of war, the bliss of ecstasy and the rapture of a pain-filled death to our enemies.” –Fulgrim, prior to the raid of Prismatica V
"No sacrifice, no degradation and no bliss will exist beyond our reach. I have such sights to show you all, my sons." –Fulgrim, spoken at the stage of La Fenice

"There will come a day when we are not bound by the wills of those child-gods. For now, we must do as we have learned to – prosecute their wars, pretend we are the masters of our own fate." –Eidolon, prior to the defense of the Kalium Gate

WIP Log: Something Wicked This Way Comes

ECPHBanner.pngECBanner.jpg


#17
UltimateJake

UltimateJake

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 481 posts
  • Location:USA
  • Faction: Not chosen
The flaming thing was done with the Flame Falcons and they were wiped out by Grey Knights. So you might want to change that.

Also the lost in the warp has been done before, although you really aren't using that as an excuse so it should be okay.

I want to stress that you need to be carfeul when mentioning the Excorcists and all that because it makes your chapter seem like Grey Knights and purest of the all. They also seem to have over the top good relations with the Inquisition if they were spared and the Flame Falcons weren't. It's a good idea, but it seems to me that you are trying to copy the Legion of the Damned and possibly the Grey Knights. IE the flames have been overdone with the LotD and the Flame Falcons were wiped out because of it.

What makes your chapter so special. Other than those I like the idea and as for names how about Exermination Knights, Dead Riders (since your chapter is basically damned now), or Annihilation Lords.

Iron Gauntlet: 9/20

Edited by UltimateJake, 09 January 2010 - 06:06 PM.

Sons of Redemption. A DIY chapter.

War Saints. A DIY Chapter.

If it is tainted by the warp, I will kill it.

I fear no evil. I fear no death. For the Emperor will protect me.

#18
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

    ++ VISUM COLORATOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI ++
  • 3,794 posts
  • Location:The Liber Heraldry Department
  • Faction: Sons Of Doom,Vanquishers
Well after much thought, I have a few ideas that you can maul:

Name change - Death/Doom Reavers, Doom/Death Heralds, Desolation Lords, Sons of Extinction, Dark Raiders, Doom Raiders, Sons of Wrath, Fire Wraiths.

I don't want to tone down the mutation bit as it's a bit defining...but I'm trying to think of similar alternatives, perhaps when the marine's rage reaches its peak on the battlefield they immolate and fight even harder than before. I'm not sure what happens next, whether they continue to burn with unearthly flames, the flames go or they simply die from the empyrean flames that engulf them due to exposure to them.

Thoughts on the suggesitons?

Cambrius

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#19
Lord Heremes

Lord Heremes

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 88 posts
  • Location:Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
hey i know the name might not but confirmed as of yet but i noticed that in the last paragraphe of your "inquisition" section you reverted back to Doom riders instead of death riders

#20
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

    ++ VISUM COLORATOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI ++
  • 3,794 posts
  • Location:The Liber Heraldry Department
  • Faction: Sons Of Doom,Vanquishers

hey i know the name might not but confirmed as of yet but i noticed that in the last paragraphe of your "inquisition" section you reverted back to Doom riders instead of death riders


It won't be there for long in the near future. :)

Cambrius

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#21
Hubernator

Hubernator

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 3,634 posts
  • Location:Northamptonshire, England
  • Faction: The Phantoms
I see they're back :) Where's the scary Chaplain idea I remember from last time? Did he burst into flame too? :P

Nah it's good to see them again. I did notice one thing though. At the start you mmention they're a biker army, yet in no way you mention how the bikes are in use. Whoopsie?

That and as a personally thought, I would've swapped the roles of the assault and the tac squads - have the tacs push them back then the assaults fly in from above and finish them off. Just my thoughts

Keep it going :lol:

QUOTE (StrangeGuy @ Jan 28 2010, 02:35 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
QUOTE (Jonny the Space Marine)
-Don't like Vampires. If they "sparkle" though, my wife and 2 daughters just may take up 40K!

Vampires don't sparkle!!!! *ragefilledheadexplosion*

#22
Ace Debonair

Ace Debonair

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 5,755 posts
  • Location:England, where it's probably raining
  • Faction: The Thousand Ideas
I like the suggestion that the burning kills them, but you might have it so it kills them slowly. You know, disappears painfully the first few times (different for each marine) then finally kills them.
Possibly it could be extended to an all-over fire as well, although that might be a bit... overkill.

nyway, you could then marshal anyone afflicted by this malady into something akin to a death company, should you so choose.

As far as alternate names go, I'm unsure. Blaze Reavers isn't a bad one, though. :Troops:

Ace's Iron Gauntlet Constructive Criticism: 10/20 :FA:

#23
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

    ++ VISUM COLORATOR ++

  • ++ MODERATI ++
  • 3,794 posts
  • Location:The Liber Heraldry Department
  • Faction: Sons Of Doom,Vanquishers

I see they're back ;) Where's the scary Chaplain idea I remember from last time? Did he burst into flame too? -_-

Nah it's good to see them again. I did notice one thing though. At the start you mmention they're a biker army, yet in no way you mention how the bikes are in use. Whoopsie?

That and as a personally thought, I would've swapped the roles of the assault and the tac squads - have the tacs push them back then the assaults fly in from above and finish them off. Just my thoughts

Keep it going :)


Yeah he burst into flame and led his brothers to a righteous end! ;)

Yep a whoopsie that's soon to be eradicated.

Hmm, I may switch them about. But with the tecital squads they can hide a little easier than the assault marines and thus make a more deadly, unexpected attack after the nutty assaulty boys have finished with their "fun". ;)

I like the suggestion that the burning kills them, but you might have it so it kills them slowly. You know, disappears painfully the first few times (different for each marine) then finally kills them.
Possibly it could be extended to an all-over fire as well, although that might be a bit... overkill.

nyway, you could then marshal anyone afflicted by this malady into something akin to a death company, should you so choose.

As far as alternate names go, I'm unsure. Blaze Reavers isn't a bad one, though. :P

Ace's Iron Gauntlet Constructive Criticism: 10/20 ;)


Hmm, an on and off thing doesn't really osund too good, but I think the death company squads will be the best working and with the BA codex emerging this year, these ugys may just be out in plastic at somepoint on my tabe. ;)

So current plan is the following:

Name: Death Reavers

Those that "light up" with the flames are ordered into a chaplain led Death Company style and eventually either die from the empyrean flames that they posses or by the honour of dying in battle. Perhaps along those lines those that become "blessed" with the "Flames of the Emperor" feel that they have been chosen to die in the upocoming battle and must fight until their end,

Thoughts?

Cambrius

Edited by Brother Cambrius, 27 January 2010 - 07:55 PM.

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users