Brother Cambrius Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 Well I'm back again, this time with a rework on my Cursed Foundings Competition entry from 2007. Please comment/critique. [size=5; background-image:url(http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/hq2.gif); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: 8px 2px; padding: 12px 8px 12px 8px; border: 1px solid #DDD; margin-left: 0 auto; text-align: left; color: #fff; text-indent:50px; font-size:130%; width:50%;">Death Riders[/size] Statistics: Chapter: Death Riders Founding: 21st Homeworld: Firax Geneseed: Raven Guard Organisation: Non-Codex. Mainly a bike based chapter. Chapter Master: Krall Neopyren Chapter Symbol Chapter's Heraldry Early History At the time of the infamous cursed founding of Space Marines, the High Lords of terra decreed that a chapter should be founded from the seed of Corax. Deep within the devoted halls of the Mechanicum on Mars, genetic changes were made to the Primarch’s geneseed. The records of the alterations that were made have since been lost to the Imperium, by the records being expunged or simply lost it is unknown. The Captain of the Black Guard's 8th company was presented the honour to become the new chapter’s Master, who’s name was Simmern Nehkben. During the initial tests, the Chapter proved to be exceedingly successful at lightning assaults and Planetstrike assaults compared to some of its fellow chapters. From then, it was decided that the Chapter would become a specialized assault chapter used in shock attacks at the very heart of the enemy and leaving before the enemy knew what was happening. It was decided by the training cadre of the fledgling chapter that all units should be mobile, thus leading to all units being given access to a jump pack or a mode of mechanised transport. Chapter Master Nehkben declared to call his chapter the Death Riders, as they were the wave of oblivion to their enemies, waiting to wreck and annihilate them like a wave of a firestorm. As the early centuries of the Death Riders’ history passed, time after time the chapter’s victories multiplied. Its first independent campaign was upon the former Imperial system of Faeron, where Ork Warboss Kruncha’s WAAAAGH! had subjugated the Imperial presence upon the worlds, the strength and numbers of the Orks gathering to the system was alarmingly increasing at a potentially catastrophic pace. And thus with fire in their hearts and the word of the Emperor upon their lips, the Death Riders descended upon the first planet of the system. The planet, Firax was a deadly planet with a constantly shifting surface, its tectonic activity was a perfect place for gathering ores and other precious materials, an ideal location for an Warboss’ Meks to gather material for a giant war machine. Within a lightning raid, Kruncha was killed with a lightning quick strike upon his central fortress. Leaderless, the Ork warband became a dismembered rabble of smaller groups as new leaders fought for the vacated top rank. With the planet in disarray, the Death Riders struck again and soon cleared the planet of Firax and its neighbouring planets of the greenskin. As the bedraggled and awed human inhabitants of Firax emerged, Chapter Master Nehkben instantly saw the potential for battle worthy recruits. He declared at the end of the chapter’s maiden crusade that the planet of Firax would become the Death Rider’s homeworld. Curiously as the numbers of the chapter slowly grew, a large excess of psykers appeared to become space marines. Noticing this as a possible change in recruitment, the Inquisition kept a close eye on the chapter. The Doom Riders were sent on many crusades around the Eye of Terror and nearby due to their proximity to the area. Each time the chapter proved its prowess as a strike force and soon its name became a byword for lightning assaults in the surrounding sector. The Change About ten years after the Death Riders were sent out on their crusades around the Eye, mostly fighting the Black Legion and other forces of Chaos, the great change occurred that would send them to the same inevitable fate fellow chapters founded at the same time suffered. At the battle for the planet Neosol, Chief Librarian Lessen Sentrum cast bolts of vengeful lightning from his hand out into the mass of Chaos, which was being led by a Greater Daemon. Strangely, he found that his lightning bonded with the warp fire of the Greater Daemon. These two mighty powers were locked in an almighty struggle. Sentrum fought with all of his might, but he wasn't powerful enough to kill the daemon and the hellish flames of chaos engulfed him. With a scream of pain, Sentrum turned into to ash and molten slag. Suddenly a great explosion of unearthly flame emitted from the fallen Librarian as his power dissipated, engulfing the rest of the chapter in chaotic flames. Every marine braced themselves to fight the heat and power of the fire, but none of them fell as Sentrum had done. Amazed by this, Chapter Master Nehkbet roared a battlecry and the chapter charged at the Greater Daemon and its army before the Riders soon cleansed the planet of its taint. As the chapter celebrated upon their fleet, the first change happened to the Chapter Master Neopyren, as he lay in his quarters. His sword hand burst into flame and soon his entire arm did the same. Immediately he sought counsel with his command retinue. But after much discussion, tests of faith and purity, nothing could be found to deduce that Neopyren was not a threat to the chapter and could still command. Soon it was seen that members of the First Company saw the same symptoms, strangely no marine that had flames emitting from their sword arm burnt any of their brethren. Neopyren declared the change a gift from the Emperor, the flames representing their task of cleansing the enemies of the Imperium with His holy wrath. It was seen that not until a member of the chapter achieved a great act of courage or heroism, that their sword arm burst into flame as the first company had done. http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/hq2.gif); background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: 8px 2px; padding: 12px 8px 12px 8px; border: 1px solid #DDD; margin-left: 0 auto; text-align: left; color: #fff; text-indent:50px; font-size:130%; ">Combat Doctrine and Organisation The Death Riders were a close combat oriented chapter, preferring to fight eye to eye with their enemy, so their victims knew exactly who had killed them. The most common battle tactic used by the chapter, was to strike with their small Devastator squads first, softening up the target before as described by Captain Furon of the 3rd company, "Release living Hell upon them" with punishing strikes from their assault squads and finally outflanking the remnants with their hidden tactical squads. The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy whilst they believed that the Death Riders have left them, only to be ambushed with their guard down. This had proven to very effective against almost all of the Chapter’s enemies. The Death Riders relied on being a fully mechanised force, using Rhinos and Razorbacks to keep their forces in time with the advancing squadrons of bikes and Land Speeders. Death Riders’ Battle Company Squad Structure The make up of Death Riders’ company was a non-codex oriented method. Each company relied on Assault squads more than any other squadron type. Whilst Devastators are seen to be vital to success within the chapter, only a single squad exists in each battle company, with the spare squad element used for an extra assault squad. The same applies within the tactical squad elements, with the fifth squad being used as an assault squad. The fourth company is a unique one within the Death Riders, as it is one that holds no biker squads, the four places being used as jump pack assault squads. Terminator is not commonly used by the chapter, but there are a number of suits ready for a heavy assault when necessary, with the veterans of the chapter preferring more on jump packed assaults. Home World The Death Rider's former home planet was a volcanic death world called, Firax. The population on average would only spend 21 years on the black rock, whose face changed daily from fissures and volcanic eruptions. The planet was also infested with a deadly reptile called the Black Reaper, superbly quick creatures that could only be caught when chased down by bikes or other forms of fast transport. Whenever an initiate had passed his training, the final test consisted of being left with only a combat knife and jetpack with limited fuel to hunt and kill a Black Reaper. He would then have to return over the jagged and sharp mountain ranges that encircled the fortress with its skull. The newly ascended brother then traditionally wore the teeth of the creature around their neck or somewhere else on his armour. Some marines (mostly officers) would hold at least 5 pairs of teeth, providing them supreme respect amongst their brothers. The Mechanicum of Mars had established a space port upon the southern hemisphere of the planet where the tectonic activity was at its lowest, providing the ability for fresh ores and other important industrial raw materials to be transported out to the Forgeworlds. It is also where the Death Riders’ fleet would reside and be refitted and fixed if necessary by the techpriests and techmarines of the chapter, who had a permanent garrison at the centre of the spaceport. Battlecry The battlecry of the Death Riders was originally “For Firax and the Emperor!” Once the Chapter joined the Inquisition, it became “Burn the Damned!” due to their mutation of the gene-seed. The Chaplains generally roared the battlecry but in a fight any member of the chapter would thunder it as they charge into the enemy. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ All C+C appreciated. :) Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 Hey Cam, nice to see you around again. I take it Uni's going well? But anyway... Origins the High Lords of Terra decreed for the founding of a chapter to be made from the seed of Corax This bit is a bit awkward. 'the High Lords of terra decreed that a chapter should be founded from the seed of Corax'? Deep within the devoted halls of the Mechanicum on Mars, genetic changes were made to the Primarch’s geneseed. The records of the alterations that were made have since been lost to the Imperium, by the records being expunged or simply lost it is unknown. Granted, GW have told us this; try and keep an air of mystery about it, don't be so explict. It's what makes these cursed founding chapters more interesting :P A marine of the Black Guard's Vanguard was chosen to be this new chapter’s Master, who’s name was Simmern Nehkben. They couldn't find someone more senior than a 1st Coy Vet? No one in the Chapter's command ranks wanted the honour of leading a new Chapter? During the initial tests, the Chapter proved to be exceedingly successful at lightning assaults and Planetstrike assaults. Hrmm, it could be argued that this is standard Astartes tactics. I'd suggest saying something that the chapter preferred this kind of thing, and chose not to get bogged down. I'm not sure. where Ork Warboss Kruncha’s WAAAAGH! had subjugated the Imperial presence upon the worlds. The strength and numbers of the Orks gathering to the system was alarmingly increasing at a potentially catastrophic pace. With fire in their hearts and the word of the Emperor upon their lips, the Doom Riders fell upon the first planet of the system. You're starting these sentences in mid-sentence. Either change the full stops to a semi-colon or a comma. Watch out for this later on in the article as well. The Change At the battle for the planet Neosol, Chief Librarian, Lessen Sentrum cast bolts of vengeful lightning from his hand, out into the mass of Chaos, which was being led by a Greater Daemon. Too many commas, take out the ones in bold. Strangely, he found that the lightning bonded with the flames coming out of the hand of the Greater Daemon and the two were locked in an almighty power struggle. This is a bit clunky. 'Strangely, he found that his lightning bonded with the warp fire of the Greater Daemon. These two mighty powers were locked in an almighty struggle.'? With a scream of pain, Sentrum turned into to ash and molten slag from his armour. Every marine braced themselves to fight the heat and power of the fire, but none of them fell as Sentrum had done to the same flames. the fire representing their task of cleansing the enemies of the Imperium with His holy fire. Don't use 'fire' twice, go with 'wrath' or something the second time. +++++++++++++++++++ It's getting late, I'll finish going through the rest of it tomorrow. So far I think the basics are there, they just need refining. Just a suggestion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Apostle Thirst Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 The only thing that I have to say is most people won't like the name Doom Riders if only because of that horrible model. Change it to Riders of Doom or Doom Bringers? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 As promised Cam... The Inquisition The Inquisition was immediately called to watch over the chapter after receiving the news of what had happened to the chapter and their gene-seed. You've repeated 'the chapter' it jars the sentence. I would stop after 'what had happened'. the Orks lines soon began to break as an unknown source of bombardment pounded and smashed their lines. Out in orbit of the planet, Inquisitor Pullox watched as the Doom Riders fought hard and protected the positions against their battering ram of Chaos Marines Emphasis mine. The rest of the section is fine B) Combat Doctrine and Organisation The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy whilst they believed that the Doom Riders have left them and were then attacked by surprise from the Tactical Squads. Same as before, you're repeating yourself at the end of a sentence. I'd change the ending to something like '...left them, they would then be ambushed whilst their guard was down.' Or something. The entire chapter were is a mechanised force, relying on Rhinos and Razorbacks to keep their forces in time with the advancing squadrons of bikes and Land Speeders. Emphasis mine. The make up of Doom Riders’ company was is a non-codex oriented method. Same again, you're in past tense when the Chapter is still alive and kicking. No issues with the Homeworld section, except it's a bit short. +++++++++++++++++++ Anyway, I hope that helps. As I said before, the groundwork is there it just needs refinement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted January 7, 2010 Author Share Posted January 7, 2010 Hey Cam, nice to see you around again. I take it Uni's going well? But anyway... Yep all is going well at Aber Uni. I managed to discover that a new friend was the Redshirt who got me into this 40k business when he worked at Cardiff GW too. Oh the fool he was. :D If only he knew what he had released upon the fictional universe. Origins Deep within the devoted halls of the Mechanicum on Mars, genetic changes were made to the Primarch’s geneseed. The records of the alterations that were made have since been lost to the Imperium, by the records being expunged or simply lost it is unknown. Granted, GW have told us this; try and keep an air of mystery about it, don't be so explict. It's what makes these cursed founding chapters more interesting ;) Now this is interesting. The last time I posted this I was told to do the exact opposite, so I'm not sure where to lie on this one. I haven't let on what exactly was changed mind, so a little air of mystery still exists. :) A marine of the Black Guard's Vanguard was chosen to be this new chapter’s Master, who’s name was Simmern Nehkben. They couldn't find someone more senior than a 1st Coy Vet? No one in the Chapter's command ranks wanted the honour of leading a new Chapter? I've decided to go Captain of the 8th company now instead. Makes sense for the leader of the all assault company to be the one in charge to start with. where Ork Warboss Kruncha’s WAAAAGH! had subjugated the Imperial presence upon the worlds. The strength and numbers of the Orks gathering to the system was alarmingly increasing at a potentially catastrophic pace. With fire in their hearts and the word of the Emperor upon their lips, the Doom Riders fell upon the first planet of the system. You're starting these sentences in mid-sentence. Either change the full stops to a semi-colon or a comma. Watch out for this later on in the article as well. Ahh my old nemesis...Adjusted where spotted. The Change Strangely, he found that the lightning bonded with the flames coming out of the hand of the Greater Daemon and the two were locked in an almighty power struggle. This is a bit clunky. 'Strangely, he found that his lightning bonded with the warp fire of the Greater Daemon. These two mighty powers were locked in an almighty struggle.'? Changed. The only thing that I have to say is most people won't like the name Doom Riders if only because of that horrible model. Change it to Riders of Doom or Doom Bringers? Hmm, well the Doom Bringers was actually the first name of the DIY army I own now (see sig for current name) and it's already taken by another member who's established a Doom Bringer chapter well. I'm considering the name Death Riders as an alternative. Opinions? The entire chapter were is a mechanised force, relying on Rhinos and Razorbacks to keep their forces in time with the advancing squadrons of bikes and Land Speeders. Emphasis mine. The make up of Doom Riders’ company was is a non-codex oriented method. Same again, you're in past tense when the Chapter is still alive and kicking. No issues with the Homeworld section, except it's a bit short. Ah but are they alive and kicking? ;) Thanks for the readthrough and suggestions. As you can see some changes have been made to refine the IA. Name of chapter is still debated within my head. Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starblayde Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 It was seen that when a Chaos warrior touched the armour or vehicle of a Doom Rider, they instantly caught fire and were burned to death. A little too uber, I'd say otherwise why wouldn't the Inquisition just order the Doom Riders to go and bump into every Daemon they can find until the Eye of Terror is clear? Some unusual beneficial power against Chaos is one thing, but insta-touch-death is too much. Tone this down somewhat and it'll work better. After months of deliberation, the Inquisition declared the chapter as not being Excommunicate and was to be only used as fighters around the Eye of Terror... To hide their tracks and any evidence of the chapter still existing to avoid questions from others, the Doom Riders were to be listed as “Lost in the Warp” and would remain that way. Should someone discover that the chapter existed, they would be immediately silenced. Incredibly useful to the Imperium, yet kept more-secret than the Grey Knights, LotD or the Blood Angels' Rage/Thirst/Flaw? A shadowy Chapter is one thing, but something so secret as to slaughter anyone who even knew about it is, for me, again too much. Listed as 'Missing' or 'Lost' should be enough for them, and orders for Marine and Guard captains to keep their mouths shut (or, indeed, mis-information about when they do appear) would help them be less of the Cursed by Awesome stereotype. Iron Gauntlet Challenge 1: 3/20 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted January 7, 2010 Author Share Posted January 7, 2010 It was seen that when a Chaos warrior touched the armour or vehicle of a Doom Rider, they instantly caught fire and were burned to death. A little too uber, I'd say otherwise why wouldn't the Inquisition just order the Doom Riders to go and bump into every Daemon they can find until the Eye of Terror is clear? Some unusual beneficial power against Chaos is one thing, but insta-touch-death is too much. Tone this down somewhat and it'll work better. After months of deliberation, the Inquisition declared the chapter as not being Excommunicate and was to be only used as fighters around the Eye of Terror... To hide their tracks and any evidence of the chapter still existing to avoid questions from others, the Doom Riders were to be listed as “Lost in the Warp” and would remain that way. Should someone discover that the chapter existed, they would be immediately silenced. Incredibly useful to the Imperium, yet kept more-secret than the Grey Knights, LotD or the Blood Angels' Rage/Thirst/Flaw? A shadowy Chapter is one thing, but something so secret as to slaughter anyone who even knew about it is, for me, again too much. Listed as 'Missing' or 'Lost' should be enough for them, and orders for Marine and Guard captains to keep their mouths shut (or, indeed, mis-information about when they do appear) would help them be less of the Cursed by Awesome stereotype. Iron Guantlet Challenge 1: 3/20 Hmm yes I had a suspicion that it was suffering MIA syndrome...I'll look through that and tone down that part, perhaps the fires simply cause the sins of chaos marines to roar through their minds or similar? The =][= part shall recieve some adjustments too, perhaps displaying them as a new form of the Excorsists as previously mentioned, or believed to be the fabled Legion of the Damned perhaps? Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted January 7, 2010 Author Share Posted January 7, 2010 Some more edits and a small edition in the Homeworld section have been added. :lol: Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Soon it was seen that members of the First Company saw the same symptoms, strangely no marine that didn’t have flames emitting from their sword arm burnt any of their brethren. Oddly enough, I suspect the ones with no fire on their arms would be the least capable of burning their allies. :) I suspect I've spotted a mistake. :D Death Riders is a solid name, should you decide to change it. Also Sword Riders, Blade Riders, Edge Riders or something else related to the chapter's badge or colours. This chapter's pretty good, all in all. Keep up the good work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted January 7, 2010 Author Share Posted January 7, 2010 Soon it was seen that members of the First Company saw the same symptoms, strangely no marine that didn’t have flames emitting from their sword arm burnt any of their brethren. Oddly enough, I suspect the ones with no fire on their arms would be the least capable of burning their allies. :) I suspect I've spotted a mistake. :) Death Riders is a solid name, should you decide to change it. Also Sword Riders, Blade Riders, Edge Riders or something else related to the chapter's badge or colours. Gah! :) To the Pain Glove with me! Death Riders it will be maybe then. :D Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Like I said, that's a pretty solid name. Sounds very much like rapidly approaching termination. I wonder, can I count my previous post as 6/20 helpful comments? ;) I'm uncertain if it's warranted for just one mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted January 7, 2010 Author Share Posted January 7, 2010 And so their name shall be the Death riders! Let the enemies of man fear its very mention! Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master Tyrak Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 His sword hand burst into flame and soon his entire arm did the same. Immediately he sought counsel with his command retinue. But after much discussion, tests of faith and purity, nothing could be found to deduce that Neopyren was not a threat to the chapter and could still command. Soon it was seen that members of the First Company saw the same symptoms, strangely no marine that had flames emitting from their sword arm burnt any of their brethren I hate to throw cold water on this idea (no pun intended), but that's more or less what happened to the Flame Falcons. They were then purged and destroyed by the Grey Knights. This is going to be a problem for you, unless you find some influential friends or run away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Argon Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Each time the chapter proved its prowess as a strike force and soon its name became a byword for lightning assaults in the surrounding sector Generally speaking, every Chapter acts as a strike force. The Astartes aren't made for extended periods of fighting. They can go for a year or two or possibly even three, but after a certain period of time it either becomes the Guard's problem or gets Exterminatus'd. , the great change occurred that would send them to an inevitable fate amongst their fellow chapters founded at the same time The Minotaurs called, they'd like to talk to you :) . As the chapter celebrated upon their fleet I get what you're going for here. but it doesn't read very well. I suggest replacing "fleet" with "ships" it became clear that is was no ally of the Imperium Didn't your teachers teach you to use Gothic properly? :D From that time on, the chapter would only fight against the ruinous powers of the Warp alongside the Ordos Inquisition and the Praeses around the Eye of Terror You are aware that there's forces other than the Traitor Legions around the Eye, right? Ulthwé Craftworld, for starters, and I imagine there's more than a few Orks and Hrud. softening up the target before as described by Captain Furon of the 3rd company, "Releasing living Hell upon them" The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy whilst they believed that the Death Riders had left them and without warning, would be ambushed with their guard down Again, I see what you mean here, but it reads poorly. Also, you usually don't get a warning before an ambush ;) . I'd change this to something like "The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy, who believed the Death Riders had left them only to be ambushed with their guard down." GAUNTLET COMMENTS CHALLENGE: 2/20 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted January 8, 2010 Author Share Posted January 8, 2010 His sword hand burst into flame and soon his entire arm did the same. Immediately he sought counsel with his command retinue. But after much discussion, tests of faith and purity, nothing could be found to deduce that Neopyren was not a threat to the chapter and could still command. Soon it was seen that members of the First Company saw the same symptoms, strangely no marine that had flames emitting from their sword arm burnt any of their brethren I hate to throw cold water on this idea (no pun intended), but that's more or less what happened to the Flame Falcons. They were then purged and destroyed by the Grey Knights. This is going to be a problem for you, unless you find some influential friends or run away. Ah... -_- Forgot about that little feature. Well I may consider adjusting it slightly so that instead the Doom riders become the mercenaries of Inquisitor Pullox and work for him in a bid to keep alive. Maybe then they are discovered by the rest of the Ordos Hereticus and so Pullox is excecuted and the Death Riders "disappear". Thoughts? Each time the chapter proved its prowess as a strike force and soon its name became a byword for lightning assaults in the surrounding sector Generally speaking, every Chapter acts as a strike force. The Astartes aren't made for extended periods of fighting. They can go for a year or two or possibly even three, but after a certain period of time it either becomes the Guard's problem or gets Exterminatus'd. :lol: I'm trying to emphasize them as being better than your average chapter in this area of expertise, but I'm having trouble bringing it across. Any ideas on how to show that? the great change occurred that would send them to an inevitable fate amongst their fellow chapters founded at the same time The Minotaurs called, they'd like to talk to you. Tell them I'm busy. :P I think adding the word "most" will be most appropriate here to avoid a vicious boarding action of my vessel... As the chapter celebrated upon their fleet I get what you're going for here. but it doesn't read very well. I suggest replacing "fleet" with "ships" Maybe change "upon" to "in" would work? it became clear that is was no ally of the Imperium Didn't your teachers teach you to use Gothic properly? :huh: Nah, they taught me Welsh instead. :huh: Has TISWAS on the brain thanks to my Dad... From that time on, the chapter would only fight against the ruinous powers of the Warp alongside the Ordos Inquisition and the Praeses around the Eye of Terror You are aware that there's forces other than the Traitor Legions around the Eye, right? Ulthwé Craftworld, for starters, and I imagine there's more than a few Orks and Hrud. Will be changed slightly to show they fought against xenos as well as warp entities, but mostly the chaotic kind compared to the greenskin and star elves. ;) softening up the target before as described by Captain Furon of the 3rd company, "Releasing living Hell upon them" The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy whilst they believed that the Death Riders had left them and without warning, would be ambushed with their guard down Again, I see what you mean here, but it reads poorly. Also, you usually don't get a warning before an ambush ;) . I'd change this to something like "The tactical squads generally used stealth to attack the enemy, who believed the Death Riders had left them only to be ambushed with their guard down." So adjusted. ;) slight edits made again above. Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Nephilim Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 Curiously as the numbers of the chapter slowly grew, a large excess of psykers appeared to become space marines. Noticing this as a possible change in recruitment, the Inquisition kept a close eye on the chapter. The Death Riders were sent on many crusades around the Eye of Terror and nearby due to their proximity to the area. Each time the chapter proved its prowess as a strike force and soon its name became a byword for lightning assaults in the surrounding sector. Fixed. But after two centuries since the agreement had been made with the Inquisition, the chapter mysteriously disappeared after being ordered to find a new homeworld to choose as their own instead of their existing one. After becoming Inquisitorial lapdogs, they would be assigned a homeworld. I don’t see them being given a choice. After thoughts: Your IA is good, but the curse isn’t original. There’s already a cursed founding that goes all Human Torch. In addition, the name Death Riders seems all 1980s biker gang and in a nutshell, weaksauce. Chapter Master Nehkben declared to call his chapter the Death Riders, as they were the wave of oblivion to their enemies, waiting to wreck and annihilate them like a wave of a firestorm. So using your own words here, here’s some word-vomit maybe to help inspire a better sounding, not old biker gang, sounding name: - Oblivion, Annihilation, Desolation, Extinction - Knights, Reavers, Heralds, Harbingers, Bringers Some combinations I like: Knights of Desolation Extinction Heralds Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UltimateJake Posted January 9, 2010 Share Posted January 9, 2010 The flaming thing was done with the Flame Falcons and they were wiped out by Grey Knights. So you might want to change that. Also the lost in the warp has been done before, although you really aren't using that as an excuse so it should be okay. I want to stress that you need to be carfeul when mentioning the Excorcists and all that because it makes your chapter seem like Grey Knights and purest of the all. They also seem to have over the top good relations with the Inquisition if they were spared and the Flame Falcons weren't. It's a good idea, but it seems to me that you are trying to copy the Legion of the Damned and possibly the Grey Knights. IE the flames have been overdone with the LotD and the Flame Falcons were wiped out because of it. What makes your chapter so special. Other than those I like the idea and as for names how about Exermination Knights, Dead Riders (since your chapter is basically damned now), or Annihilation Lords. Iron Gauntlet: 9/20 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted January 13, 2010 Author Share Posted January 13, 2010 Well after much thought, I have a few ideas that you can maul: Name change - Death/Doom Reavers, Doom/Death Heralds, Desolation Lords, Sons of Extinction, Dark Raiders, Doom Raiders, Sons of Wrath, Fire Wraiths. I don't want to tone down the mutation bit as it's a bit defining...but I'm trying to think of similar alternatives, perhaps when the marine's rage reaches its peak on the battlefield they immolate and fight even harder than before. I'm not sure what happens next, whether they continue to burn with unearthly flames, the flames go or they simply die from the empyrean flames that engulf them due to exposure to them. Thoughts on the suggesitons? Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Heremes Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 hey i know the name might not but confirmed as of yet but i noticed that in the last paragraphe of your "inquisition" section you reverted back to Doom riders instead of death riders Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted January 14, 2010 Author Share Posted January 14, 2010 hey i know the name might not but confirmed as of yet but i noticed that in the last paragraphe of your "inquisition" section you reverted back to Doom riders instead of death riders It won't be there for long in the near future. :) Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hubernator Posted January 14, 2010 Share Posted January 14, 2010 I see they're back :) Where's the scary Chaplain idea I remember from last time? Did he burst into flame too? :P Nah it's good to see them again. I did notice one thing though. At the start you mmention they're a biker army, yet in no way you mention how the bikes are in use. Whoopsie? That and as a personally thought, I would've swapped the roles of the assault and the tac squads - have the tacs push them back then the assaults fly in from above and finish them off. Just my thoughts Keep it going :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted January 15, 2010 Share Posted January 15, 2010 I like the suggestion that the burning kills them, but you might have it so it kills them slowly. You know, disappears painfully the first few times (different for each marine) then finally kills them. Possibly it could be extended to an all-over fire as well, although that might be a bit... overkill. nyway, you could then marshal anyone afflicted by this malady into something akin to a death company, should you so choose. As far as alternate names go, I'm unsure. Blaze Reavers isn't a bad one, though. Ace's Iron Gauntlet Constructive Criticism: 10/20 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Cambrius Posted January 24, 2010 Author Share Posted January 24, 2010 I see they're back ;) Where's the scary Chaplain idea I remember from last time? Did he burst into flame too? -_- Nah it's good to see them again. I did notice one thing though. At the start you mmention they're a biker army, yet in no way you mention how the bikes are in use. Whoopsie? That and as a personally thought, I would've swapped the roles of the assault and the tac squads - have the tacs push them back then the assaults fly in from above and finish them off. Just my thoughts Keep it going :) Yeah he burst into flame and led his brothers to a righteous end! ;) Yep a whoopsie that's soon to be eradicated. Hmm, I may switch them about. But with the tecital squads they can hide a little easier than the assault marines and thus make a more deadly, unexpected attack after the nutty assaulty boys have finished with their "fun". ;) I like the suggestion that the burning kills them, but you might have it so it kills them slowly. You know, disappears painfully the first few times (different for each marine) then finally kills them.Possibly it could be extended to an all-over fire as well, although that might be a bit... overkill. nyway, you could then marshal anyone afflicted by this malady into something akin to a death company, should you so choose. As far as alternate names go, I'm unsure. Blaze Reavers isn't a bad one, though. :P Ace's Iron Gauntlet Constructive Criticism: 10/20 ;) Hmm, an on and off thing doesn't really osund too good, but I think the death company squads will be the best working and with the BA codex emerging this year, these ugys may just be out in plastic at somepoint on my tabe. ;) So current plan is the following: Name: Death Reavers Those that "light up" with the flames are ordered into a chaplain led Death Company style and eventually either die from the empyrean flames that they posses or by the honour of dying in battle. Perhaps along those lines those that become "blessed" with the "Flames of the Emperor" feel that they have been chosen to die in the upocoming battle and must fight until their end, Thoughts? Cambrius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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