Dosjetka Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 Why the different colour scheme? The first is a bit dull, but goes with the Chapter well IMO. My 2 cents BBL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 9, 2010 Author Share Posted February 9, 2010 The second was actually the sort of colour I originally envisaged, so I thought I'd put it up here. I admit I prefer the first though, gives the effect of the Pre-Heresy Death Guard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
War Angel Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 In part you are wrong.. Wolf Guard in the SW are veterans, but even a Blood Claw can be elevated to the WG. I have been rethink keeping the double-strength first company, a la the First Cohort of a Roman Legion, but having the Vets spread through the Chapter. i had missed this, and just wanted to share, wolf Guard in the SW army are much differnt from a real chapter. theres 13 companies (minus th missing 13th is 12) and, im not sure about the new codex, but you can only have 20 wolf guard, regardless of weather they are battle leaders, a squad, or a squad leader. so 12companies times 20 guard, 240... for some reason before i started writeing, my math was... wrong lol. any way, the space wolf companies have no known strenght, its said that because the chapter only made one company become a second founding, that it is much larger then normal chapters. And as i metioned above, A full strength chapter of 10 companies, Has 10 veterans per company as squad leaders thats 80 additional veterans (minus 10 for the veteran company which are already being counted, and 10 for the scouts) and im not sure on the math, but i think the command squad is another 5 per company? so in effect, a codex chapter will have 230 veterans (not includeing honor guard). there just not in the same company, you gota spread the tallent out :( and i know youve already gone with the spreading the wealth idea, i just wanted to let you know that whe youre chapter has full strenght, they have 200 some vets. also i like the larger company for youre Chaptermaster, and the new paint scheem (but for the love of the Emperor change the eyes so they stick out a bit) Also wouldnt mind seein some red on these guys, even if its just red tally marks on there shoulders for every tratorius skum they've killed. "The only reason the origin of the geneseed is 'unknow' is because i insinuate.. in a really unsubtle way.. that it may have come from the original Legion." im assuming you mean one of the lost two? in the HH books (which i hate) supposedly whatever happened to thoes chapters, happened before there where any heritics to kil. but a second founding chapter from one of the other 9 chapters could easily have been made to hunt down thoes dogs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 9, 2010 Author Share Posted February 9, 2010 im assuming you mean one of the lost two? in the HH books (which i hate) supposedly whatever happened to thoes chapters, happened before there where any heritics to kil. but a second founding chapter from one of the other 9 chapters could easily have been made to hunt down thoes dogs. No, I mean that the geneseed is rumoured to come from a stock of geneseed from the LEGIO Imperial Fists.. I.e. not from a successor but from an the actual Fists. The eyes is to do with justice being blind... So I don't want them to stand out, as its symbolic! I don't really like using more than 2 colours, 3 if you consider lenses, on a scheme... So no red as standard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
War Angel Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 fair enough brother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 This Is Not Here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solomon de Gravier Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 The Just "Forgive you? Forgiveness is between you and the Emperor, it is my job to arrange that meeting." - Executioner Horek, before slaying the renegade Raven Guard Sergeant Voraad. Except him dying would not be meeting the great E because ... he's not dead! Also renegade RG is bad. Don't widdle on other chapters lamposts, especially a major 1st founding chapter like that! The Chapter was founded in response to an increase in Traitor Legion (maybe 'Chaos' instead) attacks in the area of space surrounding a planet called Cypra Mundi and it is rumoured that the Inquisition, most particularly the Ordo Hereticus, had a hand in its creation. ^see above^ on the NO WIDDLING rant. Why would the Inquisition plan a Chaos invasion?!?!?!? The Just have a hatred of all the enemies of the Imperium, but they maintain a special reserve of hatred for Traitors. Though they spend most of the time hunting members of the Traitor Legions, The Just deal with any betrayal using the harshest measures. Be you serf or High Lord of Terra, justice is blind and justice will find you for justice is eternal. ^see above^. YOUR STILL WIDDLING! A High Lord of Terra would NEVER turn Traitor! (and if they did then a minor chapter like yours wouldn't even feature in the battles!) The Chapter calls Jericia their homeworld. Don't you mean 'The Chapter calls their Homeworld Jericia'? Blood Lions of Volta I'm not against nicknames for companies but this is a bit long. 'The Great Red Warriors of the Planet Arrakis' :) ;) ;) The only point of note is that The Just maintain very close links with the Inquisiton, possibly due to their mandate regarding the hunting of the Traitor Legions. Plenty of the SM chapters hate Traitors (most of them in fact) yet they're not all pals with ol' Iqui'. You use the Inquisiton as a whole organisation, but it would only realistically be 1-3 Inquisitors even if you were good friends. The origin of the Chapters genessed is the subject of an uncomfirmed rumour, which neither the Chapter nor anyone else in a position of power will comment on. Been there, done that (badly), got the t-shirt with "Stupid Un-original Idiot" written on it in Byro (next to a picture of a windmil)! I myself have used this 'I don't know the Geneseed' thing a few times but it has never worked. This is why: The Geneseed adds a great aspect of coming from somewhere which is hard to re-create. The lack of Geneseed rips a hole in the heart of the chapter. This affects the entire IA! The Battle of Tervans Drift - Executioner Horek and his Cadre successfully slay the Champion of Khorne Vishkar the Dread after a forty day running battle through the streets of the capital of Verdin Prime, taking his head upon the small island at the heart of the city known as Tervans Drift. Sarok's Folly - Captain Sarok and his Second Company rout a force of the Black Legion many times their own size using sudden and repeated charges. However in the final charge that breaks the Black Legion Sarok is grieviously wounded and his last words are "My service to the Throne is not at an end!". Weeks later, Sarok would awake inside the hull of a precious Dreadnaught having retained the command of his Company; a command he would keep for another seventy-three years until the entire Dreadnaught was vapourized by a Traitor Titan. Lord Justice Virtok - Chapter Master. Marshal Tirek - First Company Commander. Executioner Horek - Chief Executioner and leader of the First Cadre. Veteran Sergeant Roak - Chapter Standard Bearer. Ancient Lortan - Former Lord Justice and advisor. Um. Do you really need all this? Work on the heart of the chapter before putting all your work into little add-ons like this. The basics of this chapter is good but some details need changing. good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Why would the Inquisition plan a Chaos invasion?!?!?!? Obviously, you've never heard of a faction called the Istvaanians, see here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UltimateJake Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Some of the stuff Solomon said is good, but the Just could see the Emperor very differently then you do, Solomon. So they might believe that the Emperor is akin to God or running some spiritual place where the dead go... Also their is nothing wrong with having a traitor Raven Guard in the quote because its nothing massive. If you had a Captain of the Raven Guard turn traitor then you might have a little bit of a problem... But you didn't so it is okay. So far I like everything, but take out the High Lord of Terra part like Solomon said. Replace it with Noble or Imperial General or something similar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
War Angel Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 the thing is youre taking some one eles chapter, and telling them they couldnt handel there own issues, but you can. its best just to say tratior marine, and it could mean any one, it could be a chapter that actualy IS trator Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 The Just "Forgive you? Forgiveness is between you and the Emperor, it is my job to arrange that meeting." - Executioner Horek, before slaying the renegade Raven Guard Sergeant Voraad. Except him dying would not be meeting the great E because ... he's not dead! Also renegade RG is bad. Don't widdle on other chapters lamposts, especially a major 1st founding chapter like that! It's a phrase... As for a renegade Raven Guard, RE: 'Skull Harvest' short story. Just because I'm not being paid for this, I can't include one? The Chapter was founded in response to an increase in Traitor Legion (maybe 'Chaos' instead) attacks in the area of space surrounding a planet called Cypra Mundi and it is rumoured that the Inquisition, most particularly the Ordo Hereticus, had a hand in its creation. ^see above^ on the NO WIDDLING rant. Why would the Inquisition plan a Chaos invasion?!?!?!? You have misread/it is not as clear as it could be. The Just have a hatred of all the enemies of the Imperium, but they maintain a special reserve of hatred for Traitors. Though they spend most of the time hunting members of the Traitor Legions, The Just deal with any betrayal using the harshest measures. Be you serf or High Lord of Terra, justice is blind and justice will find you for justice is eternal. ^see above^. YOUR STILL WIDDLING! A High Lord of Terra would NEVER turn Traitor! (and if they did then a minor chapter like yours wouldn't even feature in the battles!) No... Its a statement of fact that no matter how powerful the individual they will justice to the unjust. Just because "it would never happen", a statement you cannot make about 40k, doesnt mean it cannot be used as an example. The Chapter calls Jericia their homeworld. Don't you mean 'The Chapter calls their Homeworld Jericia'? Nope... Its another another way of saying the homeworld is called Jericia. Blood Lions of Volta I'm not against nicknames for companies but this is a bit long. 'The Great Red Warriors of the Planet Arrakis' ;) :D B) Its not that long.. And it wasnt to last. The only point of note is that The Just maintain very close links with the Inquisiton, possibly due to their mandate regarding the hunting of the Traitor Legions. Plenty of the SM chapters hate Traitors (most of them in fact) yet they're not all pals with ol' Iqui'. You use the Inquisiton as a whole organisation, but it would only realistically be 1-3 Inquisitors even if you were good friends. I never claimed every Inquisitor, but an Inquisitor has the right to say they speak on behalf of the Inquisiton (if no on else outranks them) hence the wording. The origin of the Chapters genessed is the subject of an uncomfirmed rumour, which neither the Chapter nor anyone else in a position of power will comment on. Been there, done that (badly), got the t-shirt with "Stupid Un-original Idiot" written on it in Byro (next to a picture of a windmil)! I myself have used this 'I don't know the Geneseed' thing a few times but it has never worked. This is why: The Geneseed adds a great aspect of coming from somewhere which is hard to re-create. The lack of Geneseed rips a hole in the heart of the chapter. This affects the entire IA! Not in this case... The Chapter bears characteristics that directly point to descendants of Dorn, however the only "unknown" is whether the rumour that it came from the original Legio Imperial Fists or not. The Battle of Tervans Drift - Executioner Horek and his Cadre successfully slay the Champion of Khorne Vishkar the Dread after a forty day running battle through the streets of the capital of Verdin Prime, taking his head upon the small island at the heart of the city known as Tervans Drift. Sarok's Folly - Captain Sarok and his Second Company rout a force of the Black Legion many times their own size using sudden and repeated charges. However in the final charge that breaks the Black Legion Sarok is grieviously wounded and his last words are "My service to the Throne is not at an end!". Weeks later, Sarok would awake inside the hull of a precious Dreadnaught having retained the command of his Company; a command he would keep for another seventy-three years until the entire Dreadnaught was vapourized by a Traitor Titan. Lord Justice Virtok - Chapter Master. Marshal Tirek - First Company Commander. Executioner Horek - Chief Executioner and leader of the First Cadre. Veteran Sergeant Roak - Chapter Standard Bearer. Ancient Lortan - Former Lord Justice and advisor. Um. Do you really need all this? Work on the heart of the chapter before putting all your work into little add-ons like this. It adds a bit of colour. The basics of this chapter is good but some details need changing. good luck! Cheers! :sweat: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 the thing is youre taking some one eles chapter, and telling them they couldnt handel there own issues, but you can. its best just to say tratior marine, and it could mean any one, it could be a chapter that actualy IS trator That is in no way true, sir! It is not about The Just being able to better handle a traitor, its that it is their raison detre. It is what they do, who they are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 Some of the stuff Solomon said is good, but the Just could see the Emperor very differently then you do, Solomon. So they might believe that the Emperor is akin to God or running some spiritual place where the dead go... Also their is nothing wrong with having a traitor Raven Guard in the quote because its nothing massive. If you had a Captain of the Raven Guard turn traitor then you might have a little bit of a problem... But you didn't so it is okay. So far I like everything, but take out the High Lord of Terra part like Solomon said. Replace it with Noble or Imperial General or something similar. It appears that it is going to be the overwhelming consensus that the HLoT is too much, I shall remove it.. Odd though, that it escaped notice in V 1.0 ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UltimateJake Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 the thing is youre taking some one eles chapter, and telling them they couldnt handel there own issues, but you can. its best just to say tratior marine, and it could mean any one, it could be a chapter that actualy IS trator That is in no way true, sir! It is not about The Just being able to better handle a traitor, its that it is their raison detre. It is what they do, who they are. I agree with you. He's in no way saying anything negative about the Raven Guard and as he said before look at the Skull Harvest. It has Vaane (sp?) the Raven Guard traitor. As I said before and as I will say again it is not to much of a big deal. I could see if he said Chapter Master or Captain of the Raven Guard, but he didn't. So just leave it their as IMHO it is not bothering anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solomon de Gravier Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Why would the Inquisition plan a Chaos invasion?!?!?!? Obviously, you've never heard of a faction called the Istvaanians, see here. What I meant was that the Inquisition (if they did do anything so bad!) wouldn't allow anyone to hear about it. If someone realised that a group of the Inquisition was planning to DESTROY the IMPERIUM ITSELF! then they would start to think that maybe they don't need the =][= after all! Some of the stuff Solomon said is good, but the Just could see the Emperor very differently then you do, Solomon. So they might believe that the Emperor is akin to God or running some spiritual place where the dead go... Also their is nothing wrong with having a traitor Raven Guard in the quote because its nothing massive. If you had a Captain of the Raven Guard turn traitor then you might have a little bit of a problem... But you didn't so it is okay. So far I like everything, but take out the High Lord of Terra part like Solomon said. Replace it with Noble or Imperial General or something similar. Yeh! I guess I didn't think about that. Well, I disagree with you on that point. Saying he saw a marine of a major chapter turn traitor just sounds like he just placed the name of a chapter in there without thinkng about it. Not using the name at all would work much better. HLoT is just too HUGE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 Solomon de Gravier: I admit may the HLoT was a msitake, but the idea was to get across that The Just will permit no traitors to the Emperor. I picked the Raven Guard for a specific reason, they are a well known Chapter but have at least known a traitor in their ranks. No Chapter is immune from betrayal, except perhaps the GK, and I wanted to get this across. hell, even the just have traitors in the ranks which i shall note down in a bit of fiction I'm working on. Please don't think I went the slap-dash route on this, alot of this already passed muster in my V 1.0 but I added a few parts and wanted to see how it went. I have edited and changed the beliefs section partly, as well as downgrading from a HLoT to a IG Warmaster *waiting for cries of horror*. My one big concern at the moment is tying in the Chapters Librarians and Chaplains. my idea for Chaplains is to subtitle them 'Lawgivers' and make each bear a tome with the names of every Traitor to have been sent to the Emperors judgement but this kinda makes it Book of the Fallen-ish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grey Hunter Ydalir Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 I picked the Raven Guard for a specific reason, they are a well known Chapter but have at least known a traitor in their ranks Fair enough. However, it doesn't look quite right to me either. It's more in the fact that before you've even reached the opening paragraph of the article your being presented with how great the chapter is and how deficient the Raven Guard is that they couldn't deal with their own renegades. No that is not how it is intended I know, no it's not a deliberate namedrop of any one chapter either but the fact is the negative associations with the mention of a first founding chapter in a DIY still stand. Changing it will not only lose you absolutely nothing in terms of character but it will also relieve the issues with what is there already. I have edited and changed the beliefs section partly, as well as downgrading from a HLoT to a IG Warmaster Well Warmaster is a rare title and not the best pick, not least of which because the individuals picked for such a rank are usually beyond reproach. I don't see you mentioning Inquisitors in that list, and they are some of the most suspicious individuals in the galaxy. If justice really is blind then the chapter would have no choice but to land itself in extremely hot water and liable to be excommunicated. They might just get themselves excommunicated anyway for their seeming rampage through the Imperial command structure. Not only that but if they go after such high profile targets, did you ever think that their potential targets themselves might call in as many favours as they can to remove the threat of an overzealous and overly judgemental band of supersoldiers away from them? There has been another chapter in the same vein as these guys that has been through Liber before but damned if I can remember their name, perhaps it will come to me but if you can find them yourself, you might want to take a look. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 I picked the Raven Guard for a specific reason, they are a well known Chapter but have at least known a traitor in their ranks Fair enough. However, it doesn't look quite right to me either. It's more in the fact that before you've even reached the opening paragraph of the article your being presented with how great the chapter is and how deficient the Raven Guard is that they couldn't deal with their own renegades. No that is not how it is intended I know, no it's not a deliberate namedrop of any one chapter either but the fact is the negative associations with the mention of a first founding chapter in a DIY still stand. Changing it will not only lose you absolutely nothing in terms of character but it will also relieve the issues with what is there already. I have edited and changed the beliefs section partly, as well as downgrading from a HLoT to a IG Warmaster Well Warmaster is a rare title and not the best pick, not least of which because the individuals picked for such a rank are usually beyond reproach. I don't see you mentioning Inquisitors in that list, and they are some of the most suspicious individuals in the galaxy. If justice really is blind then the chapter would have no choice but to land itself in extremely hot water and liable to be excommunicated. They might just get themselves excommunicated anyway for their seeming rampage through the Imperial command structure. Not only that but if they go after such high profile targets, did you ever think that their potential targets themselves might call in as many favours as they can to remove the threat of an overzealous and overly judgemental band of supersoldiers away from them? There has been another chapter in the same vein as these guys that has been through Liber before but damned if I can remember their name, perhaps it will come to me but if you can find them yourself, you might want to take a look. You make mucho sense.. Although I believed 'Warmaster' to be a more widely used title now. To be honest, given their hardline attitude over dispensing justice I was thinking of converting them to a renegade Chapter.. Forced to carry on their fight in spite of the Imperium. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UltimateJake Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 I picked the Raven Guard for a specific reason, they are a well known Chapter but have at least known a traitor in their ranks Fair enough. However, it doesn't look quite right to me either. It's more in the fact that before you've even reached the opening paragraph of the article your being presented with how great the chapter is and how deficient the Raven Guard is that they couldn't deal with their own renegades. No that is not how it is intended I know, no it's not a deliberate namedrop of any one chapter either but the fact is the negative associations with the mention of a first founding chapter in a DIY still stand. Changing it will not only lose you absolutely nothing in terms of character but it will also relieve the issues with what is there already. I have edited and changed the beliefs section partly, as well as downgrading from a HLoT to a IG Warmaster Well Warmaster is a rare title and not the best pick, not least of which because the individuals picked for such a rank are usually beyond reproach. I don't see you mentioning Inquisitors in that list, and they are some of the most suspicious individuals in the galaxy. If justice really is blind then the chapter would have no choice but to land itself in extremely hot water and liable to be excommunicated. They might just get themselves excommunicated anyway for their seeming rampage through the Imperial command structure. Not only that but if they go after such high profile targets, did you ever think that their potential targets themselves might call in as many favours as they can to remove the threat of an overzealous and overly judgemental band of supersoldiers away from them? There has been another chapter in the same vein as these guys that has been through Liber before but damned if I can remember their name, perhaps it will come to me but if you can find them yourself, you might want to take a look. You make mucho sense.. Although I believed 'Warmaster' to be a more widely used title now. To be honest, given their hardline attitude over dispensing justice I was thinking of converting them to a renegade Chapter.. Forced to carry on their fight in spite of the Imperium. Warmaster is given to men who command crusades if I am correct. But, they are still very very rare and only given to the best of the best. Warmaster seems a bit to big either, just change it to Imperial Guard General or something lower. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 Warmaster is given to men who command crusades if I am correct. But, they are still very very rare and only given to the best of the best. Warmaster seems a bit to big either, just change it to Imperial Guard General or something lower. Already done, I also added Inquisitor in there too.. I'm still wondering about the whole renegade thing.. but i cannot seem to think of a good enough event to lead them down that route! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thoughtweaver Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 This is probably just me, but I like a tad more detail in my articles. ^_^ How, having said that my question becomes why did they settle on a planet that has no human population? Why not remain fleet based in that case? Is there planets in the system that have human pupulations that they recruit from and they just like to remain separated by more than a few miles of distance from them to keep their focus on dispensing Justice? As others have said, the planet name is a bit...over the top, maybe? I like the idea of an earlier suggestion for finding a Latin-style name for the word Justice or similar. A little bit more information on the Executioners would be nice, like do they report directly to the Chapter Master? Could their duties be counter-manded by a Captain if he requires additional support for his own efforts? Othewise, I like the basic ideas in here. Keeping things simple instead of an overflow of information can be a very good thing, but just as hard to balance as providing more. I've found in my writing that sometimes it can be too bare of information, however. Mind you I usually suffer from a deluge of details and have to cut things back a bit. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 Quasi-shameless bump... Inclusion of an expanded Executioner bit, as well as adding a bit more about the homeworld. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UltimateJake Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 Warmaster is given to men who command crusades if I am correct. But, they are still very very rare and only given to the best of the best. Warmaster seems a bit to big either, just change it to Imperial Guard General or something lower. Already done, I also added Inquisitor in there too.. I'm still wondering about the whole renegade thing.. but i cannot seem to think of a good enough event to lead them down that route! Here's a good enough event: A powerful inquisitor is deemed radical by the Just and executed. They are excommunicated by the remnants of the Inquisitor's powerful allies who escaped. They flee the Imperium and are counted as renegades, but they still fight for the Emperor and Mankind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted February 10, 2010 Author Share Posted February 10, 2010 A powerful inquisitor is deemed radical by the Just and executed. They are excommunicated by the remnants of the Inquisitor's powerful allies who escaped. They flee the Imperium and are counted as renegades, but they still fight for the Emperor and Mankind. I considered that but it seems too obvious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walter Payton Posted February 10, 2010 Share Posted February 10, 2010 It appears that it is going to be the overwhelming consensus that the HLoT is too much, I shall remove it.. Odd though, that it escaped notice in V 1.0 :lol: Naah, keep it in there, I like it! Also, they do, occasionally misbehave: Eigth from the top of the timeline Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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