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The Crimson Warlords


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#1
RagingGriffon

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CRIMSON WARLORDS

Harbingers of Violence and Destruction


T
he Renegade Chapter devoted to the Blood God, known as The Crimson Warlords, have bled the Imperium for the last three thousand years. They strike from the triple warp storms, The Storms of Judgement, in the galactic southwest of the Segmentum Tempestus. The Crimson Warlords hone their anger into focused determination to slay their enemies. They believe that there is no offering to Khorne greater than the wholesale slaughter of an opposing army. They are ruled by Viktor Zur. He is a killer on a grand scale, and he reaps the skulls of armies, fleets, and titans for the Skull Throne. Once strategic targets are decimated, and enemies are thrown into disarray, he allows his followers to create torrents of blood for the Blood God.

Origins
Hate is an emotion that can be focused into a weapon. – Viktor Zur, Sovereign of the Crimson Warlords

The Paragons originated from the 20th Founding in late M35, and Dorn's lineage was selected to birth the geneseeds destined for the new Chapter. They were given a small space fleet, and tasked to patrol the border of Segmentum Tempestus and the Ultima Segmentum. They performed well for a novice Astartes Chapter. Their early accolades included halting an Ork incursion, the destruction of an Eldar pirate fleet, and the extermination of a pleasure cult on the planet, Segav. The latter conquest became their homeworld, and The Paragons took several measures to prevent the hedonism from regaining a footold on their new Homeworld. The Adeptus Astartes instituted strict discipline into the local laws, created a regimented military, and created ritualistic gladiatorial combat houses based on the Imperial Cult. The planet seemed to adapt well with the presence of The Paragons, and the gladiatorial arenas flourished and the gladiator's progeny provided outstanding recruits for the Chapter.

In mid M36, a distress call from an Adepta Sororitas Commandery outpost on a moderately populated Agri-world was answered by four companies from The Paragons. It was led by Chapter Master Augustus as a show of good-will to the Ecclesiarchy. The planet was in revolt, and the contingent Order was having difficulty eradicating the traitors. The initial drop pod assault intended to wipe out the command section of the heretics, but it resulted in the complete loss of forty Astartes. The uprising was led by a rogue-psyker manipulating the populace. His powers had swollen with corruption and he, his coven of rogue psykers, and cultists had proven more than capable of dealing with The Paragons. Chapter Master Augustus decided to draw the Magos into a trap. The bait would be the Adepta Sororitas outpost and all the Sisters under siege. The trap worked, the psyker was killed, but the losses to the Sisters were severe. The deaths included the Cannoness Commander, and an Inquisitor. The Adepta Sororitas screamed for retribution, and the Inquisition obliged with levying charges of dereliction of duty, and willful compliance in the death of Inquisitorial Agents. In the end, the trial concluded with the execution of Chapter Master Augustus. their homeworld became forfeit, and The Paragons were forced on a 100 year penitent crusade.

Captain Viktor Zur of the 1st Company was appointed the new Chapter Master. He took command with the death of his mentor on his shoulders. The Paragons were tasked to patrol the warp storms in the Segmentum Tempestus known as The Storms of Judgement. The triple Warp rifts were a safe haven for pirates, heretics, and worse. The Chapter Master urged his Battle Brothers to replace shame with fury, and despair with conviction. The Chapter fought with determination, zeal, and efficiency. They tore through humanity's foes, but even the successive victories had a mounting toll on the Chapter. The Paragons soon found that they were turned away from Imperial spaceports and planets. Aid would not be accommodated. Respite would not be given to the discredited Chapter. The burden of their crusade was theirs to bear alone.

Casualties started to rise, and supplies started to dwindle. Chapter Master Zur was faced with very few options. He could either allow his Chapter to die a slow death due to attrition, or he could coerce an Imperial Guard armory into providing logistic support. The decision was made to provide a show of force to intimidate a garrison of Imperial Guardsman regiment deployed to a moon located in XXXX. The Paragons prepared for deployment in orbit, and Viktor Zur gave the order to deploy.

The full capability of the Chapter deployed to the critical nodes of control of the bastion, and Chapter Master Zur and his retinue of honor guard teleported in their terminator armor to the command headquarters. A meeting was demanded with the General, the meeting was granted, but an Inquisitor attended as well. The Paragon’s demands for supplies were denied by the General and the Inquisitor. Chapter Master Zur was chided by the Inquisitor, and he threatened that Zur would suffer the same fate as Augustus. Seething, Chapter Master Zur ran the Inquisitor through with his powersword. The order to kill all guardsmen was issued. It took a scant two hours to kill every guardsmen fortifying the bastion. The killings were efficient and bloody. The thrum of war-lust, hate, and anger filled The Paragon’s souls. The warp reached out and embraced The Paragons. The flowing blood seemed to manifest itself into sneering faces. The Astartes looted all materiel, rejoined with their fleet, and then lanced the bastion into rubble.

The penitent crusade was over. There was no turning back after the destruction of the bastion on XXXX. The Paragons filled their souls with hate towards the Imperium, and they pointed towards the Storms of Judgement and embraced the rage. Blood would flow under the banner of Viktor Zur, Sovereign of the Crimson Warlords.

Homeworld
The Dominion
The Crimson Warlord’s homeworld is located in The Storms of Judgement. Their headquarters are built upon the former ruler’s temple. The planet’s population hub is based around the fortress known as, The Dominion. Viktor Zur rebuilt a more savage version of Segav’s gladiatorial scene. The Sovereign allows his Lieutenants to run slave stables for entertainment. The few Astartes recruits The Crimson Warlords produce come from these stables and the underground fight clubs in the slums.

The Crimson Warlord’s daemon forge is located inside the mountain chain behind their headquarters. It is here that Lieutenant Gustav has fashioned daemons and metal into terrible war-machines. Outside of the protective walls of The Dominion the planet has become infested with roaming tribes of Bloodletters, packs of Bloodhounds, stampeding herds of Juggernauts, and other daemonic monstrosities. It is here that daemons are captured and brought back to The Dominion's daemon forge to be turned into weapons for the Crimson Warlords.

The chaotic tides inside The Storms of Judgement settled The Crimson Warlords near a planet. It was protected by a Grand Crusier and multiple support ships. Initial scans showed a planet with a robust, yet simple, planetary defense network. Most of the inhabitation of the planet’s denizens were located in a sizeable city, and there were several military outposts scattered about. The only anomaly was a small temple with an inordinate amount of protection. Aside from the glaring tell as a strategic point of interest, Viktor Zur felt something tug at the edge of his consciousness demanding he personally attack that target.

The Marine’s Battle Barge and two Strike Cruisers made short work of the Grand Cruiser’s support ships. Master Zur sacrificed his fleet’s three Destroyers to allow a full two hundred fifty Marines to board and capture the Grand Cruiser. He then reconsolidated his forces, and prepared for the planetary assault.

The addition of the Grand Cruiser allowed The Paragons to dismantle the planet’s defense network with precision applications of force. The assualting Astartes forces encountered a twisted human guard force. Strange warp beasts that were a combination of bat and man enhanced the enemy. They had several super-heavy tanks, and Master Zur demanded that they be disabled so they could be usurped for his army's own use later. The planet was mostly secure, or the enemy was in tactical confusion, so Viktor Zur turned his gaze towards the temple.

The temple was situated flush to base of a nigh-impassable mountain chain which made orbital targetting difficult. The corrupted guardsmen were dug in with a series of trenches, pill boxes, tower emplacements, but very little anti-aircraft capability. The defenses would provide a difficult target against a land based attack, but Astartes had means to defeat such obstacles.

The mass attack of Thunderhawks overwhelmed the paltry air defenses and allowed a follow-on air drop of Assault Marines. The renegade Astartes killed efficiently like programmed machines, and the trenches ran ankle deep with blood. Master Viktor Zur teleported with his retinue at the height of the slaughter and proceeded into the temple.

In the center of the mezzanine was a throne which sat a being which vaguely resembled a giant human melded with a wolf. The humanoid-bats flew around the temple, and hundreds of cultists bowed at the base of the daemon lord. The battle erupted inside the temple and it was not long before bolter fire turned to close combat. The daemon lord and the Astarte Master clashed. The daemon seemed to gain an upper hand until Master Zur let out a guttural howl of rage and blood-lust. Zur opened his soul, and the essence of Khorne filled the void. He skewered the daemon lord’s throat and the black ichor that was the lord’s essence sprayed Master Viktor Zur. He drank the blood deeply and he howled in victory. At the moment, The Sovereign and The Crimson Warlords were born. They had claimed the planet for themselves and for their new liege: The Blood God.





Combat Doctrine
War is simple. Find your enemy. Find their weak points. Exploit their weaknesses. Then heap their skulls upon the Skull Throne. – Viktor Zur, Sovereign of the Crimson Warlords

The Crimson Warlords strike down their enemies before they have a chance to muster a counter-attack. Master Zur and his inner-circle pick strategic targets that will cripple the enemy. This usually entails the decapitation of command and control nodes from the rest of the army. The Crimson Warlords often strike from space so orbital bombardments and drop assaults are common. Parrallel operations are usually run with advanced placed cultists and infiltrated veteran Crimson Warlords that create diversions and general confusion. Once chaos is introduced into the target, and the entire enemy’s coordinated capabilities are suppressed, The Sovereign allows his followers to engage in wanton destruction of the enemy.

Organization
The Predicants
All Chaplains were executed once Master Zur took haven inside the The Storms of Judgement. Eventually, preachers speaking the eternal hatred and fury of Khorne replaced them. They now lead the Bezerkers into battle. The Sovereign has limited use for narrow-sighted warriors, and he uses the Predicants to funnel the unhinged Bezerkers' fury towards the enemy.
Viktor Zur is the absolute authority of The Crimson Warlords. He is the overlord of renegade Astartes that have fled to his banner, he commands battalions of corrupt Guardsmen, and he has pacts with Khornate daemons that follow the swathes of blood The Crimson Warlords creates in The Imperium. He demands strict martial discipline. He has eight Astartes Lieutenants which command various aspects of The Crimson Warlords. These include his veterans, infantry, Bezerkers, daemons/possessed, heavy armor, titans, traitor guardsmen, and logistics. Master Zur leads all fleet operations from his several thousand year-old Battle Barge, The Vehement Death.

The Sovereign maintains a contingent of cultists to infiltrate populations. They help in the preparation of the target and then they lead post-operations to scavenge useable materiel.

Beliefs
Every skull of a warrior that dies in battle adorns the Skull Throne. – Viktor Zur, Sovereign of the Crimson Warlords

The Crimson Warlords revere the Blood God as the Lord of War, Hate, and Murder. They honor the Blood God by being strategically and tactically efficient, disciplined, and brutal. There is no greater praise to Khorne than the complete annihilation of an enemy. They have operated for thousands years in The Storms of Judgement, and they make raids into Imperial space known as Red Conquests. The arrival of daemons in the material universe is thought to be Khorne showing The Crimson Warlords favor.

The majority of The Crimson Warlords are of Dorn lineage, and the stubborn traits still run through their veins. Maintenance of military bearing, martial discipline, and focus is paramount to Master Zur’s followers. They consider any entity that opposes the will of The Sovereign as their enemy. Any army, including other Khorne worshipping warbands, is a potential target to The Crimson Warlords. However, anyone can forsake their former allegiances and swear fealty to Viktor Zur and The Crimson Warlords.

Geneseed

The original members of The Crimson Warlords have the geneseed of Dorn. They have absorbed smaller warbands of traitors and renegades so it is near impossible to tell the current break-out of these member's geneseed make-up.

Symbol:

A hand crushing a planet in its palm.

Edited by RagingGriffon, 03 July 2010 - 09:06 PM.


#2
Codex Grey

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Originally known as The Paragons

Not a huge issue, but I feel this is the same as calling a Chapter 'the Knights'. All space marines are paragons. I think making it 'Imperial Paragons' or something would be better.

3rd Generation Imperial Fist Chapter (Decended from Dark Hands)

Dark Hands are not confirmed as IF successors. I think I get why you want the dark hands, but if I understand the concept right you don't need to say who their 'closest parent' is. State them as Imperial Fists successors, nothing else is really needed.

Strategic minded Chapter, had no qualms about killing swathes of populations or Imperial equipment/territory to stop a threat.

Fine, but the former doesn't equal the latter, if that is what you meant. Either way, detailing their beliefs and specifically why they had no qualms might be beneficial to better develop their fall from grace.


The idea is interesting. I get a sense of disciplined berzerkers, strategic and cold in their spilling of blood, but blood spilling nonetheless. Devoted to their God of War, but they honor their God by grand victories, won by strategical excellence, not by just rushing towards the enemy in a blind rage.
I feel bringing actual Berzerkers into their ranks would just water out the flavor of the former paragons, and I think it would be cooler if any recruited renegade were taught the ways of Zur. Deamons would still work, I think, as gifts for their excellence at the climax of a battle.

Edited by Codex Grey, 24 May 2010 - 07:13 PM.


#3
RagingGriffon

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I decided to mention 3rd generation because I feel like the further away from the original lineage they are the more chance they have to be divirgent (a copy, of a copy, of a copy).

You hit the nail on the head, Codex Grey, on how my warband worships Khorne. I am going to keep Bezerkers in the army, though. I imagine Assault Marines would go this route. I see what you are saying about incorporating World Eaters into my Liber. My favorite Character is Svarog from my Dynasty of Blood. He is a former Exorcist turned World Eater. I am now trying to get a more "military" minded Khorne army. Any ideas on how to get him into this new write-up?

Also, I am going to change Fists of Malice. Too close to "Sons of Malice." I gotta brainstorm a new name.

Edited by RagingGriffon, 24 May 2010 - 07:31 PM.


#4
Brother Argent

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Renegade Chapter. Originally known as The Paragons, 16th Founding, 3rd Generation Imperial Fist Chapter (Decended from Dark Hands).


I'm going to agree with Grey on this one, although this is a useful fact, I'm not sure its either necessary or put across in the right way. I have don something similar with my sons of Bennu but that is because of a shift in tactics from their parent legion, amoungst other things. With IA's always remember that everything should be about or have a WHY of it. Why do I need it or why did it hapen.

Strategic minded Chapter, had no qualms about killing swathes of populations or Imperial equipment/territory to stop a threat.


I like strategicly minded Khorne. However to state that the original Chapter was strategicly minded is kind of a given fact. Non-strategic Chapters dont last long. Oh and as for killing great swathes of the Imperium to achieve a goal. Remember that this is going to get you Imperial censure soon. Perhaps tie that in with why they are on Penetent Crusade.

In early M35, The Paragons were sentenced to a 100 year pentitent crusade due to destroying a city which housed an Inquisition Outpost, and they accidently killed one Inquisitor and nearly killed another. The Chapter Master was taken from The Paragons and forced into The Deathwatch. He died on his first mission. The new Chapter Master, Chapter Master Zur, was infuriated by his mentor's death.


See above comment. Perhaps instead of their Chapter Master being sent off on the Deathwatch, as I think that is an organisation to exemplary marines and why are they going to want a guy who just killed an Inquisitor. I would perhaps suggest the Chapter Master is executed for his 'crimes' or some other direct punishment. This would cause his successor to really have a reason to resent the Imperium.

They were tasked to secure several planets near The Storms of Judgement. Supplies stopped showing. Imperial worlds and spaceports refused aid to The Paragons. They were ostracized.


This is good. This is how I see a pentient crusade being. Banned from recruiting, ostracised by the Imperium. No one want to be your friend, that kinda thing. Expand this out a little when you write the rull IA.

Lord Zur, desperate, ambushed a World Eater warband with the intent to kill and loot. His seeming strategic superiority allowed him to gain leverage on the World Eaters. The Paragons enjoyed the fights with the World Eaters, the stubborn feelings they did not deserve the pentitent crusade, and prolonged exposure to the Warp caused fissures in their Imperial faith. Master Zur, in the end, called to the Blood God to help him defeat the World Eater's warband Lord in hand to hand combat. In doing so, Master Zur earned the fealty of the World Eaters, but Khorne gained The Paragons.


This shows promise, but I feel could be a little better structured. I'm not sure how but I suggest you read over it a couple of times and it will come to you.

Homeworld:

Daemon planet in The Storms of Judgement.


Expand

Combat Doctrine:

Strategic strikes first to cripple and target. This usually entails the destruction of Command and Control nodes. Once chaos is introduced into the target, Lord Zur allows his follwers to engage in wanton destruction of the enemy.

Organization:

Lord Zur is absolute authority of warband. He demands strict martial discipline. He has Eight Lieutenants which command various aspects of The Fists of Malice (ie: daemons/possessed, heavy armor, infiltrators, Bezerkers, etc.). He leads from his Battle Barge, The Vehement Death.

This I like, really like. The idea of a sternly diciplined, strategic and highly regimented Khorne Warband is unusual, in fact almost unheard of. People forget that Khorne is also about martial prowess and other good stuff.

Possessed and summoned daemons are led by Svarog, a former Exorcist who was repossessed by a Khornate daemon.

Possibly should be a side bar about Svarog, or could be seen as 'name dropping'

Geneseed:

Dorn lineage for former Paragons. World Eater seed for Bezerkers. The Fists of Malice also have turned loyalists in their ranks due techniques provided by Svarog.


Watch out for MISS here, particularly with the last line. I'd drop the part about the turned loyalists being because of Svarog as this implies your Chapter has some special thing to convert loyalists. Marines fall, its part of life, so you could still have some recent traitors from other Chapters anyway.


Okay, hope that helps. Thats the most detailed read I've given in a long time. I think your idea has huge amounts of promise and I hope my comments don't come across as too nasty. I genuinely l,ike your idea and I see its promise. Now get cracking and polish up this IT. We need more of those in the Librarium.

#5
RagingGriffon

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Thanks, Silver Phoenix! Yeah, this is just the outline to get my rough ideas down. The main premise I want is a disciplined, but ruthless Khornate force.

I think I should focus on The Paragons (name still in progress) descending towards Khorne. I see them as the rally point towards small warbands of Khorne and undivided Renegades. They focus the hate. I know World Eater warbands are always in the search of battle, and my Renegades are always devising some sort of massive attack. I'll just keep them out of my Liber (for the most part).

#6
Ace Debonair

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Righto then, let's see what you've got here. Observation powers on!

Combat Doctrine:

Strategic strikes first to cripple and target. This usually entails the destruction of Command and Control nodes. Once chaos is introduced into the target, Lord Zur allows his follwers to engage in wanton destruction of the enemy.


Nice. Organised carnage.

Organization:

Lord Zur is absolute authority of warband. He demands strict martial discipline. He has Eight Lieutenants which command various aspects of The Fists of Malice (ie: daemons/possessed, heavy armor, infiltrators, Bezerkers, etc.). He leads from his Battle Barge, The Vehement Death.

Former Paragons are more tactical. Quiet, efficient, killers.
World Eaters are the Bezerkers.
Possessed and summoned daemons are led by Svarog, a former Exorcist who was repossessed by a Khornate daemon.


Eh... I'd just keep the marines in here to former Paragons, to be honest. If your lot were killing World Eaters, I just can't see you working alongside them afterwards.
Get your own Berzerkers - there's no problem with having some of the marines go all crazy.

Svarog could just be one of the Fists of Malice, by the way. Why go for something complicated when something simple will work? ;)


Beliefs:

Lord Zur sees Khorne as the Lord of War, Hate, and Murder (in that order). Lord Zur allows his troops to engage in "micro" offerings to Khorne (ie: skulls for the Skull Throne, blood for the Blood God). Lord Zur offers "macro" offerings to Khorne. He destroys armies, titan legions, and fleets.


Views on the Imperium? And on other Chaos followers? In fact, how do they feel about the fact they've so obviously turned to Chaos?
Are they all just victims-in-waiting, or is there a grand plan?

Dorn lineage for former Paragons. World Eater seed for Bezerkers. The Fists of Malice also have turned loyalists in their ranks due techniques provided by Svarog.


...Or you could just recruit them. Unless you're saying Svarog is just taking credit for them. :)

Symbol:
A hand crushing a planet in its palm

Dornish 'n' Khornish all in one. Nice. :D

Grey and SP beat me to a lot of the points I was going to make. I'm liking the sound of a less-mindless force in worship of the Blood God. It makes a nice change from people shouting the same old lines and waving chain-axes around. :)

#7
RagingGriffon

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Grey and SP beat me to a lot of the points I was going to make. I'm liking the sound of a less-mindless force in worship of the Blood God. It makes a nice change from people shouting the same old lines and waving chain-axes around. ^_^


Hey, who said anything about a lack of waving chain-axes in the air? :)

I really appreciate the help, Ace Debonair. Good points on adding their view point of other Chaos followers, the Imperium, etc. I will definitely include that in my Liber. I feel like my warband has no problem falling into the loving arms of Khorne. They felt like they were betrayed by the Imperium, and they are instruments of war, so they fit right into the mold. I would also imagine if you spend enough time in the Warp then your mind tends to get... warped (uh, I feel like I could have a better word choice their, but it is early and coffee hasn't kicked in yet).

I think my biggest problem is trying to turn this into a novel, and when this is just the article stating who they are. I have to think of this as a Mission Statement, or an abstract.

#8
Grey Hunter Ydalir

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titan legions


It could be just me perhaps but I can't remember that many entire Titan Legions being wiped out. Depleted yes, but destroyed wholesale?

Grey and SP


Adding Ace to that list and there isn't much else I can really comment on.

I think my biggest problem is trying to turn this into a novel, and when this is just the article stating who they are. I have to think of this as a Mission Statement, or an abstract.


Less formal than a mission statement and less nebulous than an abstract has the potential to be.

A summary. You know how when you read in a workbook article how typically the most useful information is contained within the first and last paragraphs of the article? Think of a DiY in the same way, you must condense all that pertinent information into a concise summary on the chapters salient points, one that captures peoples attention.

The Octaguide.
The Thousand Marine Myth.

On the scale mismatch of bolts and bolters by Coldfyre

Commissar Molotov's Castigators - Essential reading for IA Creation.

"...I have seen the birth of this world and I have seen its death. I walked with the first men and I shared a beer with the last. For me everyone is both old and young at the same time as a million lifetimes pass before my eyes and humanity is like the grains of sand in the desert, each breath to me a sigh in the vast never-ending vacumn of space."
-Silver Phoenix


#9
RagingGriffon

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Thanks, GHY.

Do you guys think the Intro went too fast? Do I need to constrict or expand? Also, the "XXXX" is a place holder. I am on vacation and I don't have my Daemon Codex. It is a string of planets named "Spine" something something. I will fix that when I get back home. Thanks!

#10
Ace Debonair

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The origins you have are a good starting point, although the last sentence reads rather oddly.

If the tyranids are involved, then the Paragons have been around for a long while before falling to Chaos, then?

#11
RagingGriffon

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The origins you have are a good starting point, although the last sentence reads rather oddly.

If the tyranids are involved, then the Paragons have been around for a long while before falling to Chaos, then?



Ughhhh. That last sentence does sound terrible. That was the last thing I wrote last night. All day travel with a screaming two year old, scotch, and lack sleep will do that to you.

They have been around. The Paragons (I need to come up with a better name for them) were 16th Founding. So, they have been around for about 5000 years. I figured I have been playing for 16 years. I can have my guys a couple thousand years old :) Although, I can tweak their Founding to coincide with rise of Genestealer cults. I couldn't quite find when they were discovered on Ymgarl.

Edited by RagingGriffon, 27 May 2010 - 11:43 AM.


#12
Grey Hunter Ydalir

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They have been around. The Paragons (I need to come up with a better name for them) were 16th Founding. So, they have been around for about 5000 years.


I quite like the name of the Paragons frankly, though you could be right. The only problem is to come up with a fairly good reason for such a long-standing loyalist chapter to forsake their vows. What exactly corrupts them or causes them to question their course?

The Octaguide.
The Thousand Marine Myth.

On the scale mismatch of bolts and bolters by Coldfyre

Commissar Molotov's Castigators - Essential reading for IA Creation.

"...I have seen the birth of this world and I have seen its death. I walked with the first men and I shared a beer with the last. For me everyone is both old and young at the same time as a million lifetimes pass before my eyes and humanity is like the grains of sand in the desert, each breath to me a sigh in the vast never-ending vacumn of space."
-Silver Phoenix


#13
RagingGriffon

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They have been around. The Paragons (I need to come up with a better name for them) were 16th Founding. So, they have been around for about 5000 years.


I quite like the name of the Paragons frankly, though you could be right. The only problem is to come up with a fairly good reason for such a long-standing loyalist chapter to forsake their vows. What exactly corrupts them or causes them to question their course?


I see what you are saying, GHR. In my mind, they have been renegade for several thousand years, and they were loyalist only one hundred fifty years or so years. Apparently, I was not clear about that.

#14
The Normish

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Well, it seems good, though I'm sure you will flesh out those parts which are quite short.
Some sentences seem a bit awkward, a bit grammatically iffy. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but the wording may seem a little off.
Also, it seems a bit odd that the Inquisition would bring a Chapter master to trial. I know Inquisitors act outside the conventional Law, but don't Space Marines as well?
In addition, I agree with some previously expressed opinions concerning the reasons they turn to Chaos. It doesn't seem like what they've gone through would do that. At most, it would make them ostracized from the Imperium, vowing revenge, but you should probably include something about daemons whispering things and such. I just don't see where the Khornate worship comes from.

#15
Ace Debonair

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They have been around. The Paragons (I need to come up with a better name for them) were 16th Founding. So, they have been around for about 5000 years.


I quite like the name of the Paragons frankly, though you could be right. The only problem is to come up with a fairly good reason for such a long-standing loyalist chapter to forsake their vows. What exactly corrupts them or causes them to question their course?


I see what you are saying, GHR. In my mind, they have been renegade for several thousand years, and they were loyalist only one hundred fifty years or so years. Apparently, I was not clear about that.


Then you won't be fighting tyranids until long after they're the Crimson Warlords - tyranids only turned up a while after the most recent founding.
Your guys are from the 16th founding, so perhaps you might need to remove/alter the genestealer cult thing. ;)

#16
Codex Grey

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I am by no means a writing expert, but I have some suggestions if you don't mind.

The Paragons originated from the 16th Founding in late M34. Dorn's lineage was selected to birth the geneseeds destined for the The Paragons. They were given a small space fleet and were sent to patrol the borders of Segmentum Tempestus and the Ultima Segmentum. They performed well for novice Space Marine Chapter. Their early accolades included halting an Ork incursion, the destruction of an Eldar pirate fleet, and the extermination of a pleasure cult on the planet, Segav. This became their homeworld, and The Paragons took several measures to prevent the hedonism to return. The Adeptus Astartes instituted strict discipline into the local laws, created a regimented military, and created ritualistic gladiatorial combat houses. The planet seemed to adapt well with the pressence of The Paragons, and the gladiatorial arenas flourished and provided outstanding recruits for the Chapter.

I think the style of the sentences could be mixed up a bit. Right now, it's a bit like statement after statement after statement; sentence period. sentence period. And the sentences are often short as well. The style is prevalent throughout the section, but this paragraph particularly. Maybe you could try to bind lines together with commas and just generally make it flow a bit more. Hope that makes sense.

The Paragon's undoing came by a combination of chance and choice. A distress call from an Adepta Sororitas Commandery outpost on moderately populated Agri-world was answered by four companies from The Paragons. It was led by Chapter Master Augustus as a show of good-will to the Ecclesiarchy. The planet was in revolt, and the contingent Order was having difficulty eradicating the traitors. The initial drop pod assault intended to wipe out the command section of the heretics resulted in the complete loss of forty Astartes. The uprising was actually an infestation of a Genestealer Cult. The deadly xenos tore the initial assault teams to shreds. This changed the tactics completely for the Paragons. Eventually, the Paragons would succeed, but it was paid with a terrible price.

The origin sections is a bit long, so I would cut down where you can. Like here, I would remove the last sentence of the paragraph. It reduces the word count, and if you fuse this paragraph with the next one, you'll get a beefier paragraph, but you'll safe some space.

Drop Pods landed on the surface at critical nodes of control of the bastion. Thunderhawks demonstrated fly-bys and provided close air support orbits overhead. Land Raiders and Predators deployed to power plants and refineries. Chapter Master Zur and his retinue of honor guard teleported in their terminator armor to the command headquarters. He demanded a meeting with the General to request resupply. The meeting was granted, but an Inquisitor was in attendance as well.

This can be shortened down to a single sentence, and fused with the next paragraph. Too much detail for what we really need to know.

Looking forward to the developed Beliefs and Combat Doctrine sections.

#17
RagingGriffon

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I appreciate it the critical analysis, CG. Right now I am just getting ideas onto the page. I am sure it is choppy and wordy. When I get it all done I will definitely condense, re-word, and *tighten*

Working on the "Beliefs" and "Combat Doctrine" as we speak!

#18
RagingGriffon

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Alright! V1.0 is complete! After reading it, I realize, as Codex Grey said, textually choppy. I think that was my brain putting the floating ideas I have in my head into a coherent paragraph. These are the things I know I need to change:

- Either change Founding/Time, or change Genestealer Cult. I am probably going to opt with changing the Genestealer Cult, because I have been worshipping Chaos for a long time, and I want these guys to have been around the block
- Smooth up the senetences. It needs to flow better.
- I need some art, and colors for the army. I need to play with painter a bit. I am not sure how I want to paint them.
- Sidebars: one depicting the current state of their daemon planet, and another depicting their Bezerker squads led by psuedo-Chaplains. They have fallen from the grace of martial discipline and have turned to Bezerkers. They are treated as fodder... Well, not quite, but expendable because all they are good at is frenzied hand-to-hand combat, and thus not reliable strategically. They are used as breaching troops, and first boots on the ground to kill and shock the enemy.

Time to go drink some whiskey on the rocks, and spend time with the wife. I will let this percolate. Please feel free to comment on the content, and basis of the army. I will clean the sentence structure up before I submit, I promise!

Edited by RagingGriffon, 28 May 2010 - 12:13 AM.


#19
Codex Grey

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- Either change Founding/Time, or change Genestealer Cult. I am probably going to opt with changing the Genestealer Cult, because I have been worshipping Chaos for a long time, and I want these guys to have been around the block

Yeah, I would just change it into something other than a genestealer cult. Shouldn't be too hard.

- I need some art, and colors for the army. I need to play with painter a bit. I am not sure how I want to paint them.

Maybe something similar to the World Eaters Pre-Heresy scheme?

- Sidebars: one depicting the current state of their daemon planet, and another depicting their Bezerker squads led by psuedo-Chaplains. They have fallen from the grace of martial discipline and have turned to Bezerkers. They are treated as fodder... Well, not quite, but expendable because all they are good at is frenzied hand-to-hand combat, and thus not reliable strategically. They are used as breaching troops, and first boots on the ground to kill and shock the enemy.

When you put it like that, I quite like the idea of Berzerkers after all. Some marines will most likely loose themselves to the carnage of battle. But Zur stubbornly adheres to the importance of strategy, and since the Berzerkers are unreliable, he gathers them into an almost Death Company-like group, and uses them where they will make the most damage.

Speaking of stubborn. As an ex-Imperial Fist gene bearer, maybe Zur and his men displayed some of the arch typical Dorn traits. Maybe it's his stubbornness that keeps him from turning into a crazed madman, and most of his men to withstand the insanity? I just think exploring some of the characteristics that are usually associated with the Fsts and their successors could be interesting.

#20
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Updated!

Last post before I head home on vacation. Cleaned up a few things, got rid of the Genestealer Cult, added a current description of their homeworld, and Predicants.

So, what do you all think? I feel like I need to expand in a couple of places? Any suggestions?

#21
Kabuse

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I like it, the slow and subtle fall to Chaos is very well done, most renegade chapters have a demon to blame but shame + a taunting Inquisitor is a nice way to do it.
I think Executing a chapter master is a little harsh for what he did but we all know those darn inquisitors who like reminding us astartes whos boss :P

I do like the tactical 'bigger picture' plans, sacrificing the 3 cruisers to gain the flag ship was very nice, sacrificing the sisters to beet the magos was a little extreme but not unlogical, I can see why he would issue that order but In my opinion I think it would be a hard call to make, like a last resort, then again they are your marines and their personality is up to you, I'm just giving my 2-cents :unsure:

I reckon they would be worthy adversaries of the Blood Dragons :D
"Tonight Brothers we stand for the people of this world, Tonight we shield the innocent from harm, Tonight we stand as the Emperor's chosen, for we are the Blades of Dorn, the instruments of his will, FOR THE EMPEROR!" - Brother-Captain Shepard Aurallius, Warden Commander, during the assault on Edonus Prime.

#22
RagingGriffon

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Thanks for the reply, Kabuse!

I am sensing a recurring theme from C&C. People tend to feel the execution of Chapter Master Augustus was a bit too harsh. I think I am going to have to levy some specific charges against him. Time to go get into my military law books and find some cool charges :)

#23
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Far from being an expert on the twisted ways of the ruinous powers :) I'll keep my C&C fairly general.

I like The Paragons as a Chapter name, particularly ironic because of the fall from grace.

Not familiar with the term Macro-Killer, I assume it means he slaughters millions, but it dragged me right out of the narrative. But perhaps that’s just my unfamiliarity with it.

As has already been identified there are quite a lot of sentences that appear clipped and more like a string of statements, but you're working on that so I'll say no more and a full grammar sweep can wait until your vision is more fully realised.

I think your timeline is a little off with regards the Sororitas, I don't think Sebastian Thor formed the Orders Militant until early M36. Though you may want to double check that, I've been away from 40k for a long while and it may have been retconned since then.

Very much liking the base in The Storms of Judgment (even if that does make us galactic neighbors) the descriptions are fittingly nightmarish and bloody. Spookily enough my original name for my Chapters home system was The Dominions; we're obviously tuned into the same inspiration channel. :P

I also like the theme of your renegades being cold calculated precision mass murderers, with the Berserkers as a kind of expendable Death Company to be thrown into the breach. You are almost like an evil twin to my Blood Drinkers.

Hope it’s of some help, keep up the good work, you are founding a fitting enemy for the loyal forces of the Segmentum Tempestus.
WE WILL DO WHAT IS ORDERED AND AT EVERY COMMAND WE SHALL BE READY

Bix's Blood Drinkers

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#24
RagingGriffon

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Far from being an expert on the twisted ways of the ruinous powers :D I'll keep my C&C fairly general.

I like The Paragons as a Chapter name, particularly ironic because of the fall from grace.

Not familiar with the term Macro-Killer, I assume it means he slaughters millions, but it dragged me right out of the narrative. But perhaps that’s just my unfamiliarity with it.

As has already been identified there are quite a lot of sentences that appear clipped and more like a string of statements, but you're working on that so I'll say no more and a full grammar sweep can wait until your vision is more fully realised.

I think your timeline is a little off with regards the Sororitas, I don't think Sebastian Thor formed the Orders Militant until early M36. Though you may want to double check that, I've been away from 40k for a long while and it may have been retconned since then.

Very much liking the base in The Storms of Judgment (even if that does make us galactic neighbors) the descriptions are fittingly nightmarish and bloody. Spookily enough my original name for my Chapters home system was The Dominions; we're obviously tuned into the same inspiration channel. :D

I also like the theme of your renegades being cold calculated precision mass murderers, with the Berserkers as a kind of expendable Death Company to be thrown into the breach. You are almost like an evil twin to my Blood Drinkers.

Hope it’s of some help, keep up the good work, you are founding a fitting enemy for the loyal forces of the Segmentum Tempestus.


Thanks, Bix! You are absolutely correct on the timeline. I will change that right now! 20th Founding for me.

I am honored to be thought of as an evil twin to your Chapter. TBH, I never consciously said, "Hey, I want a Khorne version of Blood Angels." However, I have been playing for 15 years so I am sure it was rolling around in my head somewhere. I also know it was the people on here helping that forced that thought to the forefront. A big thanks to everyone here, and keep the suggestions coming!

#25
RagingGriffon

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Alright. I let this bad boy sit for about two weeks, noticed some awful grammar mistakes, and gave it a good editing.

As with any Liber, in my mind's eye I see my The Crimson Warlords perfectly clear. I doubt, however, everyone else gets it. Where do I need to attack? What do I need to beef up? What do I need to trim? I feel like I give a reasonable fall from grace narrative. Do I need to add more on what makes The Crimson Warlords the Crimson Warlords? I guess if I am asking the question then I should I go with my writer's instinct....

Edited by RagingGriffon, 22 June 2010 - 06:12 AM.





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