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IA: Angels of Shadow 10/01/18 - added two Heroes

Dark Angels 11th Founding

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#76
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Well as you know, my Chapter is somewhat lenient towards the Eldar, and have "allied" with them on several occasion (not on purpose...enemy of my enemy thing. We aren't Blood Ravens!). Now, during a war council a trusting Autarch (again, rare but not unheard of...I hope) finds himself in conversation with a Dark Master. Both parties muse on how they have to clean up the galaxy after their former brethren made a mess. I might expand on this in the future, probably as a sidebar or something.

Yes, I have had this bit stored in the master document. I just haven't gotten around to fleshing it out, as it is a rather tough subject to delve into without stepping on Inquisitorial toes.

#77
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I have updated the Culture section in relation to the views on swords. Please read, comment/tear it a new one.

Next I will be updating the origins to remove the random names of characters and make it more streamlined.

#78
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Added more to Culture, and some to Combat Doctrine. Next I will be working on the origins. As always have at it! Pull no punches...well maybe hold back anything too harsh :)

#79
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So I am working on the new re-write and need some advice. Where do I put the information about the 1st Chapter Master, and how much detail do I go into to avoid making him a Deus Ex Machina?



#80
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What does he do? Because if he doesn't do much, don't worry about him.

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#81
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Here is the new Origins section I am working on, introducing Draconis Umbra (the first Chapter Master). He will be a big part in making the Chapter less like their parent Chapter and more like the contemporary Angels of Shadow.

 

 

The Angels of Shadow were created during the 11th Founding from the gene-seed of the Angels of  Absolution and therefore are of the lineage of the Dark Angels and Lion El'Jonson. 
Many rumours exist as to the reason for the Chapter's creation but the most popular is that the Angels of Shadow were created to replace the Angels of Vengeance as they appeared suicidal in their stubbornness. Whether this is fact or simply a perceived slight there is a noticeable animosity between the Angels of Shadow and Vengeance which considering the closeness of most Unforgiven Chapters is astonishing. The only effect this has had on the Angels of Shadow was a edict imposed upon them by the then-Chapter Master of the Angels of Vengeance: The Angels of Shadow must be worthy of following in the steps of the Angels of Vengeance and thus must have a leader suitable to command them. Thus it was that no Chapter Master was to be appointed without the unanimous consent of the Chapter Masters of both the Angels of Angels of Absolution, the Angels of Vengeance and the Supreme Grand Master of the Dark Angels themselves.
So it was that the Angels of Shadow spent their first Three Centuries without a Master, following orders from the Angels of Absolution's Chapter Master and assisting their parent Chapter. It was at that time that Invalice was found, a planet right at the very edge of Ultima Segmentum and thus was Draconis Umbra recruited into the Chapter.


#82
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Here is the new Origins section I am working on, introducing Draconis Umbra (the first Chapter Master). He will be a big part in making the Chapter less like their parent Chapter and more like the contemporary Angels of Shadow.

 

 

The Angels of Shadow were created during the 11th Founding from the gene-seed of the Angels of  Absolution and therefore are of the lineage of the Dark Angels and Lion El'Jonson. 
Many rumours exist as to the reason for the Chapter's creation but the most popular is that the Angels of Shadow were created to replace the Angels of Vengeance as they appeared suicidal in their stubbornness. Whether this is fact or simply a perceived slight there is a noticeable animosity between the Angels of Shadow and Vengeance which considering the closeness of most Unforgiven Chapters is astonishing. The only effect this has had on the Angels of Shadow was a edict imposed upon them by the then-Chapter Master of the Angels of Vengeance: The Angels of Shadow must be worthy of following in the steps of the Angels of Vengeance and thus must have a leader suitable to command them. Thus it was that no Chapter Master was to be appointed without the unanimous consent of the Chapter Masters of both the Angels of Angels of Absolution, the Angels of Vengeance and the Supreme Grand Master of the Dark Angels themselves.
So it was that the Angels of Shadow spent their first Three Centuries without a Master, following orders from the Angels of Absolution's Chapter Master and assisting their parent Chapter. It was at that time that Invalice was found, a planet right at the very edge of Ultima Segmentum and thus was Draconis Umbra recruited into the Chapter.

 

 

The only issue I can see with this is that most chapters are not created for express reasons (bar the 13th and 21st), and the only DA successor created for an express purpose is the DoC which was unique and not expected.

 

Also, though we do not yet know for certain, I am one of those who subscribes to the view that a Captain/Company-Master of the parent Chapter becomes the first Chapter-Master of the new Chapter, however, just because they are the first doesn't mean that they are the one with the biggest mark on the Chapter. Often that can come from the second or third or 25th.

 

Still, it is your chapter however, your setting it right up for mary sue calls, as you yourself have recognised. I think I preferred the old origins where he just was a pretty smart individual, talented and naturally rose up the ranks as it were due to natural ability to eventually take command of the Chapter. Thats the way I would go, you don't even need to make him particularly OP, just that he was a pretty good, talented dude, sure he made mistakes, but he learnt and was widely seen as the foremost Astartes in the Chapter, when it came to his time to lead no-one opposed him and he led the Chapter to new glories and successes leaving his mark upon the Chapter until today.



#83
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Well my new idea is basically the Chapter is run by a council of the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Company Masters until they can choose who of them shall run the Chapter. Then the AoV, naturally annoyed by the rumour of their creation do the whole "Run it by us first...and Azrael and the AoA" which leaves them down a Chapter Master until Draconis enters the scene. His rise through the ranks is so fast and his skill so...uh...skillful that nobody denies that he is worthy of leadership.

 

I am open to suggestions on better ways to go about this, and if the old origins was better I can revert to that.



#84
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Well my new idea is basically the Chapter is run by a council of the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Company Masters until they can choose who of them shall run the Chapter. Then the AoV, naturally annoyed by the rumour of their creation do the whole "Run it by us first...and Azrael and the AoA" which leaves them down a Chapter Master until Draconis enters the scene. His rise through the ranks is so fast and his skill so...uh...skillful that nobody denies that he is worthy of leadership.

 

I am open to suggestions on better ways to go about this, and if the old origins was better I can revert to that.

 

Keeping them without a Chapter-Master for so long would raise suspicions elsewhere, something the Unforgiven are not desirous...

 

(also Azrael is not the SGM during the 11th Founding :P

 

I would actually drop any remarks to the AoV replacement to be honest and just work on developing their unique character, which is only really developed through history and events that occur to a Chapter as well as HW customs with a little bit of predecessor influence as well. They can insanely hate traitors and not be better AoV.

 

Do they still have a massive split with the Angels of Light? I always thought was a great part of their history, and probably THE defining moment of the Chapter. Actually, I would make everything, their intense hatred of traitors spin around that event, even their first chapter-master is not as important as that event. each chapter has several defining moments in their history, sometimes its the origin, others its an epic battle, treachery, shame, victory, defeat etc.

 

Do you get where I am thinking alone these lines? 

 

For ideas around an influential leader, check out my IA: Paladrean Knights, I think you have read it before, but I try to address the issue of influence from an historical figure. Octavious Rydor is the second Chapter-Master and is also an Ultramarine Captain to boot, however, his influence is such because he basically tears up part of the Codex, writes his own tome and sets the pattern for like 6-7 thousand years of history, though, he does this all after a phyricc victory right after the Chapters founding.

 

I think I manage to strike the balance between Mary Sue and believable, though, you are free to judge me on that (and let me know :P)! It is a very fine line to walk, and generally speaking, it is best to go with the simplest way of doing it, which, for the AoS would be that he basically was judged to be the best candidate by the training cadre, was appointed, then they left him to do his own thing. Perhaps he spent some time as the First Captain as well where learnt the ropes of Chapter command?

 

I hope my rambling makes sense...



#85
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Why did I write Azrael? Silly me :P

 

I had intended to retcon the Angels of Light out but I hadn't realised that with out them the Angels of Shadow really are just the Angels of Vengeance. Guess they get to come back...which means a rather lengthy Origins. Unless I have a new section with a snazzy title..."The Cataclysm" or something?

 

Thanks for the additional reading. I will, of course, offer what advice I can in return for your help.

 

So new plan: revert back to old origins focusing on Draconis Umbra and how he influenced the Chapter. Add in section detailing falling of the 8th company and how that affected the Chapter.



#86
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I really think the fall of the 8th can be something that is uber defining. I imagine that the double failure, the first being Fall of Caliban was traumatic enough, but a second fall would be devastating, especially how they come to grips with it.



#87
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That settles it. The Angels of Light will be un-retconned...

 

which means I have to update THEIR article soon .__.



#88
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That settles it. The Angels of Light will be un-retconned...

 

which means I have to update THEIR article soon .__.

 

Never ending cycle :D



#89
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Introductions are good things. Have one. Laying out where the chapter came from is important - it eases the reader into the article, and gives them a grounding for what will come next.

In the early days of the Chapter the young that were recruited to become Astartes were not only trained by the Chapter veterans but old warriors and knights from Invalice helped train them and formed the Chapter Auxilia

This sentence is almost incoherent.

Librarians of the Chapter have long since trained in the arts of pyromancy, focusing their zeal and hatred into great walls of emerald fire or into spears of brilliant green flame. While some members of the Librarium choose to study the secrets of telepathy or utilise the powers of telekinesis, pyromancy is considered a more useful talent both in the battlefield and within the Chapter fortress.

This really, really, really doesn't matter.

Upon the completion of the Fortress-Monastary the Angels of Shadow were given a boost to it's Armoury, including a collection of tanks, suits of armour and weapons requisitioned by the first Chapter Master from the Adeptus Mechanicus. Extra suits of Tactical Dreadnought Armour, as well as a fleet of bikes and Land Speeders was also gifted to the Chapter from the Dark Angels' own vast Armoury to compliment the supplies granted by the Adeptus Mechanicus so that they could fulfil the mission of the Unforgiven. It is also known that a MkXIV jetbike was given to the Chapter and locked away in their Armoury until such a time that it was required by the master of the Second Company of the new Chapter.

Ditto.

The Angels of Shadow have been described as ruthless, never ceasing until their foe is vanquished entirely. At first look they are just like their progenitors the Dark Angels in their almost Codex-adherent structure and basic tactics. When it comes to complex battlefield and navel tactics they consult the tome known as the Omnibus. This mighty tome has more than once been called “the Codex by another name” but it is in fact quite different. It details all the formations, manoeuvres and wargear the Chapter has access to and which foe to utilise them against. The idea of the application of precise and overwhelming firepower is a central point for the Omnibus, for many foes can simply be outgunned by the Astartes on the ground and in naval warfare. When facing a army that goes to ground, you must leave no ground to go to. When facing a tactically adaptable army the best course of action is to divide and conquer preferably through the manoeuvre known as “Falling of Two Scythes”. There are those who say that the Omnibus is even more restrictive than the Codex, enforcing the view that a certain force can only be countered by a certain unit or tactic. The Omnibus has, since the founding of the Chapter, served them well in any case.

Why? What's wrong with the Codex?

Also, none of the rest of these details have added anything to my understanding of the chapter. I know nothing of what separates the Angels of Shadow from any other chapter. Though boy do I know more than I ever cared to about what kind of flamers they like.

Following the Fall of Sulln, the Angels of Shadow no longer view every enemy as equal, seeking to hunt down and exterminate every betrayer, turncoat and renegade in the galaxy. They are zealous to a point of narrow-mindedness, but in truth they seek only to purge the stain from their honour as their kin seek to do with the Fallen. The Chapter rarely takes prisoners, save for those of the Fallen whom they deliver to The Rock. Those that are captured alive are interrogated for the location of more traitors so that the Angels of Shadow may bring a swift death to them. Rather than following the idea that fire is required to purge taint, the Chapter has taken up the belief of their home-world that a traitor can only be slain by a blade.

You haven't explained the Fall of Sulln. Furthermore, since all DA successors hunt the Fallen, this is hardly some revelatory and innovative character trait.

The Angels of Shadow have developed a grudging respect for the Eldar of the Craftworlds, viewing their history as painfully familiar and have on more than one occasion allied with the xenos when confronting the depraved Dark Eldar, although how they have come to know of The Fall is a mystery. This has brought much scrutiny upon the Chapter, from one Inquisitor Matthew Tanthius in particular. The Dark Masters of the Chapter reply that the Eldar simply turn up to the battles the Chapter partakes in against traitors, arguing that they know nothing of the xenos' intentions.

What? The DA hate aliens. Why would your boys like them? Just because of the parallels between the Fall of Caliban and the Fall of the Eldar?

Also, the Eldar and Dark Eldar get along fine! Well, acceptably. The Craftworld Eldar don't hunt down the Dark Eldar.

Due to the tragic second betrayal orchestrated by Sulln Avitus, the Angels take on the hunt for their fallen kin with unmatched determination. The Chapter has developed a controversial view on Xenos such as the Eldar and the Tau, viewing them as less of a threat to the Chapter than traitors - of any kind. They would rather see an Imperial World fall to those Xenos than see one traitor escape vengeance.

That's...dumb. Unless they have some actual reasoning behind it.

* * *

There is nothing here. There's a lot of details about organization and what color everyone's sword tassels are, but I have no greater insight into what separates this chapter from others than I did when I started reading. You've got hundreds of words, and virtually none of them actually tell the reader anything about what your chapter's actually like. What are you trying to get across, here? What are the defining elements of your chapter's character? What makes them unique? Having their own schism that paralleled the Dark Angels'? Liking swords? What do you want?

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#90
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I shall update the article with what I have so far. A lot of the things you have mentioned have not been updated yet but are on my list of things to change. I have, however, added to it. I wasn't aware I had gone so far off track.



#91
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As a suggestion: it's a massive amount of work to constantly redraft, and it's a massive amount of work to read new drafts over and over.

Answer the questions I asked. Then I'll be in a much better position to provide advice etc. smile.png

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#92
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Righto then. Will get to work on that ASAP



#93
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Where would be a good spot to go into detail about the Fall of Sulln and the 8th Company? hopefully it will add a bit of character to my Chapter.



#94
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Events matter when we care about or are interested in those involved. When we don't, they don't.

It depends on what you want the event to mean to your chapter. If it's a defining event that changed them forever, Origins would work. If it's not really that important but it adds a frisson of character, put it in a sidebar.

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#95
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So I was reading through my IA and came to the realization...I done goofed. I have lost what I wanted the Angels of Shadow to be while trying to make them stand out. They have become an amalgamation of Diet Dark Angels, too many influences and attempts to make them interesting and thus have become boring.

 

What this means: Another cursed re-write. However I do not believe that it will be a total loss, rather that I just need to refine the ideas to make the chapter the Angels of Shadow.

 

So if you fine ladies and gents could have a squizz at what I currently have and pick out things that you'd like to see stay and things you'd like to see purged with all due haste.



#96
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Alright. About time I get this done. Updated post #1 with my new IA.

 

The plan of attack is to move through each section until it is considered finished, upon which the section heading will be bolded. In the mean time I'll be working on artworks and things to add to the article.

 

First up: Origins

 

Have at it!


Edited by Cpt_Reaper, 12 April 2016 - 12:10 AM.


#97
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So, I believe that you were going to update this soon, going from the Liber Surgery thread, so I'll go right ahead and resurect it now.

I'll write down the comments in the order they appear in my head as I read the beginning of your article. Overall it is a good article, but there are some issues, so I'll be using the Rough Grit method spoken about in the Octaguide. Please bear in mind that I mean only to provide constructive criticism, and I don't mean to hurt your feelings smile.png

 

 

First remark is: FORMATING!

This is a common problem I find when reading an IA: people write the whole thing as if it were a block of text. It just isn't reader friendly.

Now, you have actually written some titles, which is better than some; however, the formatting as it is makes them look just like another line of text and they get lost in the mass. You need to break the block up and aerate the structure of the article: this will go a long way to get people actually reading the text.

I recommend using the basicheader type for titles, used like this:

[basicheader=000000]A Title[/basicheader]

Will give you this:

A Title

 

Other useful formating tips can be found in the bbcode guide.

 

Another thing that helps make an IA more reader-friendly is adding pictures to the article, eg the chapter symbol and colour scheme. As you mentioned in the second post, you have found a symbol and colour scheme: you should definitely add them into the article.

 

Also, be careful of mixing tenses: if the NTI took shape, the Angels of Shadow can't see if the fortress is still intact: IAs are written from a semi-omniscient view point, normally around the beginning of the 42nd millenium. Therefore, present tense indicates the very end of the 41st or the beginning of the 42nd millenia, anything before that sould be past tense.

 

+-+-+-+

 

If you have names in complicated languages for different elements (Faziigolzmiingovoldeim for instance), don't write them first. Write the "plain-text" version first, so that anybody can understand it and remember it: I garantee that nobody but you will ever remember the "Fuzzygoldsmith" name (if they even bother to decypher it in the first place), however they'll remember the "Emerald Eye" quite easily.

When writing in a different language, I also find that it is best to write it in italics, it is such a common convention that it also makes it more user friendly.

A lot of these names may not even need to be written outside the world or chapter culture sections, but that's up to you.

 

A number that is precise to the decimal point is not an estimate. Estimated 1080, or even 1100 is far more logical then Estimated 1076.

 

+-+-+-+

 

Having a founding number is great, but many people can't remember when the lesser Foundings happened, so add their founding date, or the date of their first major operation, it will go much further for providing a context. I think that the 11th Founding happens around the time of the Nova Terra Interregnum, so it is doubly important to give the date, and say who tasked them with assissting the Angels of Absolution.

I see that you provide the dates later, but this should be given right from the start.

 

+-+-+-+

 

You should explain how the legion fortress is remembered at that specific time: it has been forgotten for 4 millenia, with countless chaotic and xenos incursions all over the imperium in the intervening time. Why do the Dark Angels suddenly remember its presence, and fear what could become of it ?

More importantly, why is such an important location forgotten in the first place ?

 

+-+-+-+

 

Before setting foot on Invalice Prime, were the Angels of Shadow fleet based ? If so, why does the whole chapter go to the planet in the first place ? If they originally want to make sure everything is a-okay, a company (if not a squad) should be largely sufficient.

 

Who occupied the world before the arrival of the AoSh ? the inhabitants designing their own gear smacks of Tech-Heresy to me.

 

I'd find a different way of calling the installations on Invalice, as "Legion Forge" sounds like their main manufactoria and such, which would have been on Caliban. But even a "minor forge of the legion" would not have been forgotten so easily: you have to provide greater explanation for the world and forge, since it plays such a pivotal role in your chapter history.

 

+-+-+-+

 

Another important question is, why doesn't the chapter have it's own forges in the first place ? Chapter Forges are created as part of a founding, since they are absolutely necessary for a chapter to survive.

 

Whatsmore, Predators (and most simple Rhino variants) can actually be manufactured by a chapter. Saying that the chapter never receives a shipment of a single predator also won't be pushing the Mechanicum to send them more LRs: more likely, they'll cut off supplies from a potentially compromised chapter.

 

+-+-+-+

 

A lot of the information contained in the timeline (specifically concerning Draconis Umbra) should be added to the Origins in text format, with more explanations. For instance, say who the censored.gif is Draconis Umbra, and what a Master of Shadows is ? Is it the chapter master, is it a captain ? a specialist ? Giving chapter-specific ranks and names is nice, but you actually have to explain what it is as soon as you introduce it. The Alpha Eclipse and Mortisaur are likewise absolutely unknown elements.

You explain later that they are two battle barges, but it should be more explicit, earlier

 

+-+-+-+

 

If you have a planet named Invalice Prime, naming conventions would indicate that other Invalice [something] planets would be Secundus, Tertius, etc... If you have another planet called Invalice Minor, logically, the main planet will be named Invalice Major.

 

I like your idea of recruitment, though the section might do with some reorganisation: talking about the planet's nobility should be done either near the end of the section, or in the homeworld section.

 

+-+-+-+

 

I see you indicate that you wish to include several SMpainter images for chapter colour schemes: keep these to a bare minimum (three in the case of the Angel chapters, as they have three main colour schemes. That means, don't give a picture for each kind of rank in the chapter, it just confuses matters.

 

+-+-+-+

 

Place fleet assets next to arsenal and relic sections: fleet assets have no place between the homeworld and recruitment sections, it just breaks up the logical progression of the article. Similarly, local rituals should be placed next to homeworld.

 

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I'd suggest cutting the number of Champions of the Chapter down for the main IA article: the rest can be placed in some kind of appendix, but the "heros" of the chapter section should contain perhaps the three absolute paragons of the chapter throughout its history: Draconis Umbra should therefore be the first to figure here.

 

If Phantomkin is the best chapter master since Umbra, then he may also have a place, but don't believe that only the current captains should be included. In fact, if you look at Games Workshop's IAs, very few of the current officers are described, and even the chapter master doesn't always meet the mark: Do you even know who the chapter master of the Raven Guard is atm ? I know I don't.

 

Try to think of the three characters who have done the most to give your chapter the identity it had today, or those that embody its spirit in the fullest sense: these heros will probably be more interesting to understand what the chapter is about.


Edited by Lord Thørn, 23 May 2016 - 01:35 PM.

sml_gallery_29004_12090_3983.pnggallery_77459_13226_2824.png The War Wolves - Previously known as Lord Thørn

#98
Cpt_Reaper

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Quick question while I work through your suggestions, should I remove the timeline completely or is it right leaving it in?



#99
Doctor Perils

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Quick question while I work through your suggestions, should I remove the timeline completely or is it right leaving it in?

As with the extra characters, put it as an addendum I think. Don't delete it, definitely. You can possibly still put it in the article itself, but write a fuller version of the origins at least.


sml_gallery_29004_12090_3983.pnggallery_77459_13226_2824.png The War Wolves - Previously known as Lord Thørn

#100
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I'm just worried Origins will be too big...in fact the whole article may end up being huge. That's before I format the headings and stuff (I was saving that for last) and get some artwork done.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Dark Angels, 11th Founding

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