The Templar Guide to the Galaxy

[Acebaur]

Welcome to the Templar's guide to the Galaxy. The place where Neophytes and Sword Brethren alike can find the answers to those pressing questions like "Who should I be friends with?" and "How much faith should I put in my allies?" So step right up and follow this guide and you can't go wrong!

 

 

What the Templars think of X Chapter/person/human/alien/xenos/psyker/mutant.........

 

1. Human - The lifeblood of the Imperium, but you are a mere mortal whose fragile life can be snuffed out like a candle in the wind. Try to not to get in the way of my bolt pistol as I save your pitiful life.

 

2. Imperial Guardsmen - You're still just a mortal, but at least you've picked up a weapon and learned to defend yourself. Heck if your regiment acutally preforms well, we might even let you bear the heraldic cross on some of your tanks. Try not to piss yourself when Y alien horde charges at you screaming foul xenos warcries at the top of their lungs, and watch where you point that flashlight..er Lasgun.

 

3. Servitor - As long you go about your job effeciantly you won't get deactivated... wait why am I talking to you? You don't care because you are essentially mindless. Nevermind.

 

4. Astartes - You are one of the Emperor's Chosen, a brother Space Marine, an Angel of Death. Unfortunately you belong to one of the lesser Astartes chapters and therefore you can never measure up to the Black Templars. You are not a knight.

 

5. Son of Dorn Astartes - Not only are you all that awesome stuff I said above, but you have the blood of Dorn as well. This means you are one of our staunch allies, Astartes we can count on to get the job done, you are respected by us and we would fight by your side anytime.... But you still aren't a knight.

 

6. Grey Knights - You are the purest of the pure, incorruptible knights who purge foul daemons from this galaxy. You wear cool armor, wield badass weapons, and have storm bolters mounted on your armor. Is there anything not cool about you?

 

7. Sisters of Battle - Nuns with Guns! Didn't anyone ever tell you that women can't be Space Marines? No? Oh well, that's why you're Strength and Tough 3 in case you are wondering. But you purge the galaxy of witches, so thats cool in our book.

 

8. Inquisitor - We don't like you and we don't trust you. You harrass our High Marshal about how many knights we have and you walk around all high and mighty and try to order us around. We don't like that....Better watch your back.....

 

9. Inquisitor with lots of psychic powers with cool sounding names like " Wrath of the Emperor" and "The Gate of Infinity" - We hate you. Not only are you all those things we didn't like above, but now you are an abomination, a witch, fit only to be purged from this galaxy. We'll work with you if we have to but we don't have to like it and we still won't trust you because you could become a warp spawned daemon at any moment. (Remember the Vinculus crusade?). We have a couple of bolt pistol rounds with your name on them....just in case.

 

10. Psyker - We hate you too, see all the reasons above.

 

11. Astropath/Navigator - If we could travel the galaxy and comunicate without you, we would eject your ass out of the nearest airlock. Unfortunately, we need you so even though you are "sanctioned" you'll stay in your little holes and do your jobs. If you don't do your jobs we'll toss you into said airlock. If you manage to get possessed by a daemon, we'll shoot you and then throw you into the airlock.

 

12. Adeptus Mechanicus - Ah yes the AdMech, can't live with 'em can't live without 'em. We like you guys, you make those crazy Machine Spirit's happy in our tanks(do you think you could train them to aim better though? I mean come on the Neophytes have better aim) Thanks for training our Techmarines to fix our stuff too, we're on the road a lot. But stop asking why we are ordering so many LRC's and other equipment...stuff...er.. gets lost on long journeys through space and we fight a lot too, so STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!

 

13. High Lords of Terra - Not only are you a puny mortal, but you are a pretender to the Emperor's Throne, a usurper who attempts to rule in the "in the Emperor's stead". HA. As if an insignifigant being such as yourself could possibly hope to grasp even a fraction of the Emperor's will. You also try to order us around...That's a no-no Mr High Lord.

 

14. Alien or otherwise non-human being - You are xenos scum. You are to be purged from this galaxy and scraped off of my ceramite boot. Nothing less than your total destruction will satisfy me. (That goes for you too Mr Tau, trust me, it's for the "Greater Good")

 

15. Xenos Pysker - Not only are you a psychic abomination, but you are a xenos to boot! Double hatred for you! In fact I think we hate you more than anyone else, congratulations you really know how to piss us off.

 

16. Traitor Marines - Ah yes, last and most certainly least. You have betrayed everything that is holy in the galaxy: the Emperor, your brothers, and humanity itself. You have sold your soul to the foul daemons that roam the warp for what? Power? Power is useless without something to control. And you have nothing, because you are nothing. You are worse than the xenos(maybe not the xenos psykers, it's a toss up), because while those wretched filth were born that way, you choose to abandon your vows to the Emperor and betray your brothers.

 

So there ends this chapter of the Templar Guide to the Galaxy, hope you enjoyed it and see you next time when we discuss "How to play nice with the Templars"

 

 

****The preceding was a paid advertisment from the Templar Association for Astartes Who Are Tired of Answering Questions About Who We Are Friends With. (TAAWATAQAWWAFW for short). None of the preceding opinions are in any way related to anyone who has any relation or association with GW, Forge World, Warhammer 40K, Warhammer, the UK, the US, the EU, All of Europe, The Imperium of Man or human civilization until at least 38,000 years from now. Thank you****

[Firepower]

HA! A great read man, but you forgot something.

 

How do the Templars feel about kittens? Psyker kittens? Xeno psyker kittens? I mean sure, No Pity! No Remorse! No Fear! But...kittens?! Can we really bring ourselves to purge the kitten?

[Marshal Laeroth]

I don't think I could point my bolt pistol at this little guy:

 

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w215/RavenUSIMP/2473548737_ec717ae6c6.jpg

[Messanger of Death]

This is just perfect. We should have this stickied :lol: And what about Game Designers* and Little Annoying Sisters?

 

Messanger

 

*they are worse then the High Lords of Terra.

[Brother Loring]

I can't promise any stickies, but I can certainly say there is nothing against some mild humour in our BT review.

 

Great work Acebaur. I thought it was going to be all too serious at first!

 

I will say no matter how cute kittens usually are, this one does appear to have been tainted! Sorry!

 

*BANG*

 

No Pity! No Remorse! No Fear!

[Hazard]

Those templars are a-holes!

 

Just kidding... Funny read, I don't agree on Grey Knights though: they're psykers AND have close ties to the =I=.

[Focke]

I have to agree with Brother Loring. However I don't think you need to wast a bolt round on it. A chain sword should work just fine. Unless it is a phyker kitty. Then kill it as soon as possible, and as far away as possible, before it can corrupt your mind.

[Rider-75]

lol. some one else got fed up with the plethora of threads on "What do BTs think of.....?".

 

i have to agree with Loring, that kitty is tainted....

 

look deep into it's eyes. you can clearly see the outline of the demon possessing it..... :D

[Messanger of Death]

Somehow we need to tie this into The Guide:

http://fc03.deviantart.com/fs41/f/2009/051/c/1/Space_Marine_Motivation_Poster_by_Kasin971.jpg

[Brother Grius]

I don't think I could point my bolt pistol at this little guy:

 

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w215/RavenUSIMP/2473548737_ec717ae6c6.jpg

 

It wouldn't be difficult for me. He's so tiny I wouldn't be able to see him behind the bolt pistol. I wouldn't even have to look!

[Wulff]

BLAM>>>BOOM>> BUZZZZZZZZ >>Splut.. dead cat..

 

Sorry guys.. my inate templar self just purged another xeno.. its not human it dies..

 

Loved the read there Acebaur.. just u forgot the important one?

 

Me and cowboy still want to know how do templars feel about 2nd company of the tallarn guard?

 

LOL

 

Wulff

[Inquisitor Kravin]

Good read.

 

Grey Knights - they're all psykers

- what everyone thinks if they meet a Grey Knight is, "Who is this guy?!" since GK officially don't exist (nor do daemons, or traitors)

 

Traitor Marines - perhaps not as clear cut as it first seems - World Eaters hate psykers and Word Bearers are one of the few other groups who know what proper religious zeal is so they have their redeeming features.

[chaplain belisarius]

;) awesome thread...truly awesome!

[Firepower]

BLAM>>>BOOM>> BUZZZZZZZZ >>Splut.. dead cat..

 

My hat's off to you Wulff. Of all the possible sound effects for the evisceration of a kitten by a chainsword, "SPLUT!" is simply the perfect selection.

 

Back to the slightly less silly matter at hand, what about the BT's views on the Ad Mech?

[Acebaur]

Oh yeah I did forget about Traitor Marines. I've edited the orginal post to include Tratior Marines. Thanks for your comments guys I'm glad you liked it! I have to admit this thread was inspired by the recent plethora of threads asking what BT think about X faction. But I wanted to make a funny thing sort of along the lines of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I think I may have to expand on this with other chapters. What do you guys think?

 

 

Hazard - Grey Knights are cool in our book because while they are psykers, they are incorruptible (hence why we can take them as allies with psychic powers) And while they do have close ties to the inquisition they are still Space Marines and that garners more respect than just about anything else.

 

 

Edit: Firepower: Hmm didn't think about that one either. I'll have to think on it and come up with something funny

[Head Mook]

I don't think I could point my bolt pistol at this little guy:

 

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w215/RavenUSIMP/2473548737_ec717ae6c6.jpg

 

Look at those eyes, those whiskers. All it wants is love! :lol:

 

...

 

It must be the Lesser Least Daemon of Slannesh. No Remorse, brothers.

[Brother Loring]

Head Mook... does this mean you've been tainted by the Chaos God of Desire?

 

Sorry Brother... as you stated, No Remorse!

 

*BANG*

[Drac0]

I don't think I could point my bolt pistol at this little guy:

 

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w215/RavenUSIMP/2473548737_ec717ae6c6.jpg

 

 

No problems, that's why we also carry a chainsword. ^_^

[Hazard]

Hazard - Grey Knights are cool in our book because while they are psykers, they are incorruptible (hence why we can take them as allies with psychic powers) And while they do have close ties to the inquisition they are still Space Marines and that garners more respect than just about anything else.

 

I'll bite... So the Templars concede that Grey Knights are their superiors? After all no Black Templar is strong/pure enough to actualy wield the Warp as a weapon? :P

[Brother Mord]

You might have to edit the part about psykers a bit.

 

IF you are a psyker AND you have:

 

1) Turned yourself into the proper authorities at an early age and

 

2)Undergone lengthy testing and training at the approved schools and

 

3) Been properly sanctioned as authorized by the Emperor

 

Then you are allowed to live and serve mankind as a penance for your foul existance. But you must sit in your little metal bubble alone while driving our ships through the warp or stay secluded in your room while sending our messages across the Galaxy, never allowing your presence to sully our company.

 

If you didn't meet any of the above requirements then you are simply a WITCH and are only good enough to have your body clog the teeth of my chainsword, have your head house a spent bolt gun round or serve as a source of illumination at night as our holy promethium burns your body.

 

 

And I would also shoot the kitten :pinch:

[Acebaur]

Hazard - Grey Knights are cool in our book because while they are psykers, they are incorruptible (hence why we can take them as allies with psychic powers) And while they do have close ties to the inquisition they are still Space Marines and that garners more respect than just about anything else.

 

I'll bite... So the Templars concede that Grey Knights are their superiors? After all no Black Templar is strong/pure enough to actualy wield the Warp as a weapon? :lol:

 

No, we do not concede. There is a difference between being strong enough to wield the Warp and willing to wield it are two different things. The Templars distrust and hate the warp, we have no desire to wield it as a weapon. No Grey Knight has ever been corrupted and none every will. That is why the Templars trust them.

 

Mord:Yeah I think I may have to include astropaths and navigators too.

[Head Mook]

Loring! I never even considered that possibility. But I guess that is the insidious nature of corruption for you. D'oh!

[Brother_Cowboy]

http://www.gifbin.com/bin/1233928590_citizen%20kane%20clapping.gif

[BigDunc]

Nice Acebaur, very nice.

 

No pity, no remorse, no fear! (even for kittens)

[Requiem of the Wolf]

Yes...because it's not as if the Emperor himself pointed at the Navigators and said "These Psykers are cool by me...and you can deal with that!"

 

But then again,never let it be said that a Black Templar actually paid attention to what the Emperor has said when determining his course of action.

(Just kidding Guys..Have to pop in and poke fun at you guys every now and then,It's a requirement you know)