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[Ace Debonair]

Well, here's an update.
All opinions, views, thoughts and criticisms welcomed.

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Heralds of the Great Gods - The Rift Lords

Early History:

Origins:
"Where we come from is utterly unimportant. All that matters is what we must do to remain here in the future." - Keja the Sorceror

A typical marine of the Rift Lords warband.

The Warband known as the Rift Lords are, in many respects, an enigma to Imperial researchers. It is hard to say for certain where they came from, whether the Rift Lords are a fallen Space Marine chapter, or a fragment from one of the original Legions. Even amongst the Warband itself, the truth is not widely known - indeed such discussions are considered pointless, as the geneseed in its original form was intended only as a tool of the False Emperor.

Much of the early history of the warband is lost, even to them - though by chance or design is hard to say. Few of the original warband remain alive, and they keep their pasts to themselves. It is known that the Rift Lords have always been devout followers of the cult of Chaos Undivided, and have always preferred brutal ambushes against foes rather than pitched battles. In a way, however, the true history of the Rift Lords begins with Maluk, their current leader. With his rise to power, the Rift Lords became more agressive, - attacking Imperial forces more regularly and with greater ferocity. Maluk, however, was no fool. Knowing full well the might the Imperium could bring to bear against the warband, he always targeted Imperial forces that were either weakened by conflict or otherwise unable to defend themselves, allowing the Rift Lords to remain undetected. The Rift Lords were a potent, hidden threat within the Segmentum Pacificus, always in the shadows, biding their time before striking. Although there is no solid evidence, Imperial records suggest that at their strongest, the Rift Lords likely numbered over one and a haf thousand. Maluk was guided in his campaign by Keja, a wily sorcerer possessed of great intuition and cunning. It was through a combination of Maluk's ruthlessness and Keja's deadly insight that the Rift Lords were successful in prosecuting their hidden war and bringing glory to their Dark Gods. But Maluk was always driven by the spectre of ambition, and longed to strike a telling blow against the Imperium.

As time went on, he put together a plan of action to remove the greatest barrier to his goal of domination - the presence of the Red Sabres, a Chapter of the Imperium's Space Marines.

Avenging Angels:
"Even the greatest of walls will be brought low by those strong in faith!" - Riftmark Lucanis, at the Siege of the Red Fortress

'The Red Fortress

Captain Garret looked grimly at the scene before him. His men had been hunted for what seemed like years. In the aftermath of other missions, a force of what appeared to be other Astartes would appear, as though from nowhere, and launch a crippling assault on the Red Sabres.

Although the Red Sabres adapted their plans to compensate for the probability of enemy attacks, the enemy's plans seemed to adapt equally fast - they never relied on the same strategy twice. Several times they hadn't attacked until the battle-worn companies were in orbit - either in ship-to-ship combat or through boarding actions. Other times, communications would simply cease, although research would later reveal that explosive devices had been planted aboard the Chapter's ships while the marines had been in combat.

Attempts to hunt them, to fight back, had been as successful as punching fog. There was never any trace of these phantom assailants, outside of the ambushes they would spring.

And now, they were massing for the final strike. They were hidden, but after years of experience Garret could almost feel the enemy out there. He was the only surviving officer of the Red Sabres, and commanded less than a hundred able-bodied marines. He had sent out a call-to-arms, hoping for reinforcements, but he knew that his only real hope was for the enemy to become reckless, and try to topple the substantial defences of the Red Fortress in open combat. In the open, his Red Sabres would strike back. Delivering, with every shot fired, every blow struck, a small part of the vengeance the Chapter had been denied for so long.

Even then, he and his men would die if the Fortress was breached, but knowing that changed nothing. Death held no fear for a Space Marine.

All he needed was his enemy to make one mistake, and they would pay a bitter price for their war against the Imperium.

The first Imperium-confirmed combat against the Rift Lords was on the planet of Throka, at the Fortress-Monastery of the Red Sabres. After a long, difficult campaign, picking exclusively on the weakened and isolated Astartes forces, the Rift Lords had driven what remained of the chapter - less than a hundred marines - back to their homeworld. Maluk ordered his men to remain hidden, tightening the stranglehold by degrees on the Red Sabres. However, as the battle marched on, it became harder and harder to control the Rift Lords - each one eager to kill in the name of their Gods. Eventually even Maluk gave in to the siren promises of victory and glory, and he issued the order to openly attack, despite Keja's warnings. The walls of the Red Fortress were breached, and the killing began in earnest. The Rift Lords glorified their unholy deities that day with the total annihilation of the Red Sabres. At Maluk's command, tore down the once-proud Red Fortress, razing it to the ground amid the celebrations of a succesful campaign.The Rift Lords, however, had made a fatal mistake by revealing themselves.

For although the Red Sabres were utterly destroyed in the battle, reinforcements from the chapter known as the Stonebound were detected a short way from the planet at the battle's conclusion. They were hastening towards the planet, in response to a distress call sent out by the remnants of the Red Sabres just prior to their destruction.

Once the Stonebound arrived, Maluk quickly ordered a retreat, unsure of how many Astartes were arriving to avenge the fallen chapter. Leaving a hundred of the least experienced as a decoy to occupy the attention of the vengeful Stonebound, Maluk and his forces were able to slip away, boarding their ships and abandoning the planet. The gambit almost succeeded, but for the watchful eyes of the Stonebound, who were quick to pursue the escaping traitor forces.

This conflict marked the ruin of the Rift Lords' veil of secrecy - escaping the Imperial Navy and other threats like Astartes or Eldar proved too much of a challenge. The Stonebound in particular would pursue the Warband relentlessly, forcing them to flee across the Segmentum Pacificus. During this time, the Rift Lords were perpetually hunted, attacked by Imperial forces and xeno ships alike. Even Keja's psychic foresight could not keep them from the danger that threatened from every angle. Maluk had learned a harsh lesson - going from being a scourge of the Segmentum Pacificus to little more than a fugitive due to one oversight caused by blind ambition. Maluk also had to contend with several challenges to his leadership, each conflict creating further strife and tension within the warband.

Eventually, the Rift Lords were all but cornered, on the brink of extinction. Maluk had only one option - to abandon the Segmentum Pacificus altogether. The Firstblade organised his forces carefully, keeping only those who had shown unwavering devotion both to Maluk and the Chaos Gods near him, and placing the other, less stalwart Rift Lords in more perilous positions. As the Imperial forces closed in, Maluk hatched his plan. Taking only his chosen followers with him, Maluk snuck away aboard a Strike Cruiser, leaving the majority of the original warband to perish at the hands of the vengeful Imperium.

Into the Shroud:
"A hellish place. As though even the barren space was being tortured, twisted and made to feel pain. This is truly our new domain." - Riftmark Kaliburn

Masquerading as a loyalist force, the surviving Rift Lords traversed a great expanse of space, avoiding naval patrols and contact with enemy forces where possible. Eventually, after many years, the Rift Lords found themselves in the Segmentum Ultima, north of the area known as the Dominion of Storms. Constant evasion of Imperial forces had left the surviving Rift Lords haggard and weary. Seeking desperately to find a permanent shelter, they travelled haphazardly from system to system.

It was a perilous time for the Warband. They travelled from planet to planet, and for each unguarded Imperial settlement they could raid for supplies, there would be three that proved too well-protected.

Eventually, the Rift Lords eventually arrived at a place the Imperium knew as the Shroud Stars. The Shroud Stars were a number of barren planets and suns blanketed with harsh, unpredictable warp storms - throughout its length and breadth were the ruins of vessels - Imperial and Xeno - both from recent times and some dating back to perhaps before the great crusade. Even as they traversed the Shroud, the Rift Lords saw ancient,badly damaged ships being drawn through vast, focused funnels of warp energy. Those that were caught in these warp-vortexes were banished to the furthest reaches of space - although later the Warband would learn they also functioned to bring in new ships, launching them at deadly speed into the warp storms and drifting hulks. Navigating through the Shroud required all of the guile and skill of the Rift Lords, but they knew instinctively that here was a place where the Imperium would not easily reach them. At the centre of the warp storms sat a great space hulk, desolate and empty. The Rift Lords boarded it and swept through the vast, abandoned forgeship with the practiced ease common to Astartes. In the heart of the ship they found a vast, decorated altar room, covered from floor to ceiling in runic writing detailing the glories of the Chaos Gods and promising great power to those who glorify them with all their heart and soul.

In the room behind lay an even greater wonder - a daemon, bound within a golden cage. It whispered of how the Rift Lords could earn the favour of the Gods, and how they may even topple the dominion of the False Emperor. The daemon eventually revealed it could read the deadly warp storms, effectively granting the Rift Lords safe passage in and out of the Shroud, in exchange for prisoners taken during the Rift Lords' attacks.

Filled with a newfound zeal, and convinced to a man that the Gods had planned this for them, the Rift Lords would be forever changed. Maluk and Keja begun planning to rebuild the warband, and how best to strike back at the hated Imperium.

Recent History:

Revival:
The Rift Lords re-emerged from the Shroud as a very different force. Moving obliquely from planet to planet, small forces were given the mission to preach the virtues of the Great Gods to beleagured Imperial citizens. Often the Rift Lords would hire bandits or other lawless forces to help create more chaos, and add weight to the illusion that The Emperor had deserted his people. Maluk was careful not to let the hunger of his ambition guide his plans. The Rift Lords' success would come from fighting a hundred small battles with words, rather than single large battlea with force of arms.

Slowly, and after many years' work, isolated cities on many distant planets began forsaking the Imperial Creed altogether, and embracing the light of the Gods. From these converted cities the Rift Lords drew their newest recruits, transporting them back to the Shroud to undergo training and eventually the implantation of the gene-seed.

Maluk and Keja's plans were simple - by tearing away the faith of the Imperial planets, they would be depriving the Imperium of one of their strongest assets, and simultaneously increasing the power of the Gods. As the Warband began to regain its strength, Maluk organised missions further and further afield, sending small forces of Rift Lords far and wide, bringing more and more cities and planets into the fold. They were given sweeping objectives, such as the conversion or elimination of certain hives or population centres, and left to engineer the details. These missions were not always easy - detection by Imperial forces meant almost certain death, and targets unwilling to bend to the will of the Rift Lords presented the warband with many obstacles. As word of the Rift Lords' actions began to spread, Imperial presence around the sector containing the Shroud Stars began to thicken.

Keja's gift of foresight worked well for Maluk, allowing his forces to target weakened Imperial armies, preying on the diminshed formations like vultures picking at a carcass. But the real threat to the Rift Lords was the risk of open combat with other Astartes; equals to Rift Lords in both tactical acumen and cunning. Combat with Loyalist Space Marines always reaped a bitter toll on the Rift Lords, one Maluk was loath to pay. And over time, with more Chapters appearing in the north, the threat of extinction again loomed large for the Warband. Keja masterminded plans to attack the younger chapters before they could gain enough experience to match the veteran Rift Lords, aiming to mitigate the addition of fresh forces in the north. Although initially this plan met with some success, eventually the Rift Lords found themselves too weak in numbers to easily pursue such tactics.

The Gods Provide:
However, the will of the Gods was not to be denied. Other warbands, weakened by endless combat with Imperial forces, were driven into the Shroud. Some of these were absorbed into the Rift Lords' ranks, but some were too stubborn to openly join the Rift Lords. Maluk, however, was shrewd enough to see that even these forces had their uses. He negotiated deals with these other warbands - they would be allowed to shelter within the Shroud Stars, and permitted to foster their strength if they were willing to embrace the worship of the Great Gods, and work alongside the Rift Lords at Maluk's command. Many Warbands accepted these terms, some openly, some warily. Knowing that some of the Chaos Lords within these warbands were as power-hungry and ambitious as himself, Maluk had two ways to supress rebellion. Firstly, none of these warbands had working forgeships - the only functioning forges were to be found on the Rift Lords' space hulk, Runefaust. Maluk could, if displeased, simply refuse to supply a force with firepower. Secondly, if threatened, Maluk could have the daemon aboard the Runefaust issue false guidance through the Shroud to the upstart warband, seeing them either destroyed or dispersed across the galaxy.

The Rift Lords were able to use their new allies to deadly effect, comitting them to battles against heavily defended Imperial bastions or even Space Marine forces. Maluk and his emissaries were adept at motivating their allies into taking on these misions, some with promises of looting or revenge, others with the opportunity to honour their Gods by striking at the False Emperor's men. Keja's skill at foresight allowed Maluk to pick his fights with some care, striking only when the enemy was either worn down through combat or otherwise had lowered their guard. The reputation of the Rift Lords grew steadily throughout the upper echelons of the Imperium - they were known as zealous enemies who could strike at any time, from any angle. The Imperium is presently still unaware of the exact location of the Rift Lords' headquarters. Although recently Imperial forces have made experimental forays into the Shroud, the combination of vicious warp storms and orchestrated attacks by other Warbands mean the Rift Lords are still concealed from Imperial eyes.

Beliefs:

"People of Larn, your God has failed you! Your faith is wasted on a decaying, powerless corpse! Why not pray to Gods who will listen? Follow the path of the Great Gods, and you too can be saved!" - Excerpt from a recording of The Voice preaching to the civilians of Larn prior to the Larnate uprisings

The Rift Lords believe fervently in the glory of Chaos Undivided. Their great mission is to undermine the faith of the Imperium - a mission that seems virtually impossible. However, by sneaking small squads from planet to planet via civillian transports, moving like shadows from target to target, the Rift Lords chip away the faith of the Imperium in a thousand places.

The way they portray the 'Great Gods' is key to their mission. The average Imperial citizen is loath to put his faith in the fearsome Gods of Chaos, so the Rift Lords have adopted a new approach, painting the Gods as beneficent deities, with command over virtues. Those who value honour are encouraged to worship Khorne, and seekers of wisdom are guided to Tzeentch. Prayers concerning personal desires are to be entreated towards Slaanesh, and Nurgle is portrayed as the master of life, death - and immortality.

When the Rift Lords set out to convert a planet, their preferred approach is to deploy small forces, sometimes as few as one squad per major city or hive on a planet. However, each squad contains at least one member of The Voice. These gifted orators dress in white armour and robes, whilst wearing a mask that covers all parts of their face save for their mouth. They are the ones that speak to the crowds, denouncing the Emperor's power and compelling people to put faith in the Great Gods. Members of The Voice keep apart from other members of the squad when in the cities, living alone and sometimes allowing Imperial Citizens to freely come and discuss religion with them. The Voice is responsible for forming and organising cults within the populations, and also doubles as a recruiter for any of the right age to join the Rift Lords. Other Rift Lords in the squads will calculate viable or necessary targets for attacks, carrying them out in secret where possible, and further reinforcing the idea the Emperor has forsaken the potential converts.

Of some note is the surprisingly rigid discipline of the Rift Lords. Since the fateful events guiding the warband to the Shroud Stars, Maluk made it a personal duty to instill loyalty and devotion, not only to the Gods, but to the warband itself into his men. On missions, the Rift Lords conduct themselves with painstaking care, making sure every action they take can be portrayed as positive to watching citizens. For this reason, they keep their armour mostly plain, bearing only discreet marks of Chaos. Rift Lords take part in organised displays of worship, led by The Voice, who also encourages civilians to join the avatars of the Great Gods in prayer.

It is of note that the Rift Lords are fanatically against monotheism within their warband. Any who strive too hard to please one God risk displeasing the rest, and are punished appropriately, with the grossest trangressions being punished by feeding the offender to the daemon aboard the Runefaust. The Rift Lords are also wary of other warbands who venerate only one of the Great Gods, decrying their perceived lack of vision. While Maluk will grudgingly allow such warbands to shelter within the Shroud, they are frequently tasked with the most difficult missions, or used to deflect suspicions of Rift Lord involvement in high-profile systems.

Geneseed:

The Spreading Darkness

Riftmark Marnok looked again at the report he had been handed. It did not make for pleasant reading. He turned to the Sorceror, Keja, who was here to evaluate Marnok's forces, and brandished the data-slate.

"Another squad, dead. Not a wound on their bodies, save where they had coughed up blood."

The sorceror gave him a cool look, brushing his long, silver hair back away from his face. Marnok had an instinctive dislike of the sorceror, and he was certain that Keja knew something about the apparent curse that had recently taken hold. The sorcerer shrugged, dismissively.

"The Gods operate in mysterious ways, Marnok. To try and understand their thoughts is to overstep our bounds."

"You think the Gods did this to us? Is it some kind of punishment?" Marnok was incredulous. Keja looked pensive for a moment.

"Perhaps. Or perhaps a challenge, a test of our faith. Who knows?"

"So what are we to do about it?" Marnok said, tersely. Keja shrugged again.

"Replace the dead. The war goes on, Riftmark. Replace the dead, and hope you are not next."

"That is Maluk's concern, not mine. And certainly not yours, recruit." - Grull Savane.
It is unknown exactly what geneseed the Rift Lords use. Some Imperial scholars postulate that the warband could be a splinter of the Black Legion or the Word Bearers for their belief system. Others still put forward the view that they descend from the Alpha Legion or Night Lords. However, two theories are most commonly put forward.

Firstly, that the warband recovered its geneseed after fleeing to the Shroud Stars by either raiding geneseed facilities or taking geneseed from other warbands seeking shelter in the Shroud. Or, secondly, that the Rift Lords now make use of the captured and corrupted geneseed of the Red Sabres taken after the devastation of the Red Fortress.

The only fact that can be pinned down about the Rift Lords' geneseed is that in recent years, several members of the warband have succumbed to failures in various organs, seemingly at random. This trend is rare in the older Rift Lords, but has slowly become more and more prevalent amongst the newer recruits as they age and grow. Some within the warband suspect dwelling in the Shroud over such a long time has taken its toll on the geneseed, and others attribute the organ failure to a 'lack of faith', but the true cause of these failures is unknown.

Organisation:

"You may command more men here than I do, but without me you have nowhere to run to once this battle concludes. So listen well..." - Riftmark Kaliburn, on the eve of the battle at Eithor Prime
The insidious nature of the Rift Lords is perhaps best seen in the way they marshall their forces. While Maluk remains as the Firstblade, the ultimate authority within the warband, his main role is to dictate objectives to his four lieutenants, the Riftmarks. Each Riftmark is assumed to command roughly a quarter of the total of Maluk's forces. Their roles are largely to oversee campaigns, assigning squads of Rift Lords to their individual missions, and keeping an eye on all nearby Imperial forces during operations. The operations can be any scale, between targetting a specific world, or slowly poisoning the mind of an entire sector. The Riftmarks themselves seldom make planetfall outside of conducting combats, relying on squad leaders to relay information to him instead.

Thanks to the dispersed, fractal nature of the Rift Lords, it is hard to put a reliable estimate on their numbers. Some sources assume the warband must be a very small force, numbering fewer than four hundred marines, while some others postulate at least nine hundred Rift Lords. While in reality the number is most probably somewhere in-between, precise enumeration of the warband remains an impossible task for the present.

When combat is required of the Rift Lords, they are quick to call on the support of their allies - either cultists or other warbands that have been granted shelter within the Shroud. This serves a double purpose; the Rift Lords not only risk less of their own lives on the battlefield, but many attacks carried out under the supervision of the Rift Lords are attributed by the Imperium to other warbands, diverting the attention of the False Emperor's minions.

Combat Doctrine:

"Attacks the enemy do not forsee are ones they cannot guard against." - Coramus Alther, Rift Lord
In battle, the Rift Lords often rely on the support of other warbands, letting them engage the enemy as they see fit. However, when the Rift Lords themselves are forced to take the field, they prefer to dictate the terms of the engagement, often by springing ambushes on unsuspecting foes. Often this comes in the form of ranged volleys, allowing the enemy to take cover and begin planning a counter-attack. This is when the trap is sprung - fast attacking units, deep-striking terminators or even looted drop-pods appear behind the enemy lines, forcing them to swiftly adapt their plans to survive, even as the original force of Rift Lords close in to join the slaughter.

Maluk, and the warband as a whole, learned many lessons from the siege of the Red Fortress. They never under-estimate other Astartes, and almost never engage them without the support of other warbands. In these instances, the Rift Lords usually only appear in force once the battle is joined, striking at an unprotected flank. In return for the services of these ally warbands, Riftmarks often delegate a few squads of Rift Lords to aid their allies in the prosecution of battles against their hated enemies.

Battlecry:

"Let your faith be proclaimed, children of the Great Gods! Let the enemies of the divine tremble at the sound of our approach!" - The Voice, exhorting armed converts to engage loyalist forces

The most commonly used warcry of the Rift Lords is "Glory to the Great Gods!"

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Edited and updated! - 25/05/2011 (English date)

Any opinions, views, or C&C more than welcome.

Edited by Ace Debonair, 01 October 2011 - 06:48 PM.

[Hrvat]

Well this is an interesting story and has great potential. What I find slightly problematic is that Origins sections is quite big, I would guess arond 2000 words which could leave the rest of the article feeling either as apendages of the Origins or everything will evolve into something very long.

From the writing point of view you mention Maluk and Keja far to often and ocasionaly to close together.

Eventually, the Rift Lords were cornered. Maluk and Keja only had one option - to abandon the Segmentum Pacificus altogether. Maluk and Keja organised their forces carefully, keeping only those who had shown unwavering devotion both to Maluk and the Chaos Gods near them, and placing the other, less stalwart Rift Lords in more perilous positions. As the Imperial forces closed in, Maluk hatched his plan. Taking only his chosen followers with them, Maluk and Keja snuck away aboard a Strike Cruiser, leaving the majority of the original warband to perish at the hands of the vengeful Imperium.

A solid start nevertheless.


Cheers

Hrvat

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Sorry for taking so long to get to this, work is tiresome and tiresome is work, so to speak.

and have always preferred brutal, two-pronged surprise attacks against foes rather than pitched battles.

A two pronged attack will lead to a pitched battle and is also a fairly bog-standard military tactic even among the uninitiated and tactical-non-entities like bank managers and kindergarten teachers because it's more of a common sense thing.

I think you need to explain this a little better.

Maluk, however, was no fool. Knowing full well the might the Imperium could bring to bear against the warband, he always targeted Imperial forces that were either weakened from conflict or unable to defend themselves, allowing the Rift Lords to remain undetected.

There is a bit of a disconnect between this above statement and the one below.

The first Imperium-confirmed combat against the Rift Lords was on the planet of Throka, at the Fortress-Monastery of the Red Sabres. After a long, difficult campaign, picking exclusively on the weakened and isolated Astartes forces, the Rift Lords had driven what remained of the chapter back to their homeworld.

Just what possessed the Rift Lords to assault a Space Marine chapter. Not just a small portion of it's forces but the entire chapter? Other Astartes are one of the only forces that could really match the Rift Lords blow for blow and live to tell the tale, thereby destroying their cloak and dagger approach.

Regardless of the reasons the decision to prosecute an entire campaign to annihilate an entire chapter seems to lack foresight. The superlative insight that Keja is supposed to have was having a sick day here?

Even the Red Corsairs and their Night Lords allies only assaulted an under defended Fortress Monastery to make off with Geneseed. They didn't fight the whole chapter and the only reason the assault succeeded was the expertise of the Night Lords to bring down the fortresses main defenses, or so I remember.

Honestly it all seems a little 'too much'.

Now I know that this is your deus ex machina that forces the Rift Lords into the Shroud Stars but it could be accomplished more easily I think, in other ways. I know that this also ties into your other IA's that feature the Red Sabres.

Personally I think it would be better if it was a combination of a failure of Keja's warp-gained insight and Maluk's aggression that lead to them being discovered, rather than them simply 'doing that', by which I mean assaulting a chapter for what appears to be no real rhyme or reason.

Maybe they can destroy the fortress, just in a different and more crafty way than just hammering at it with their guns and swords until it dies, which isn't a fruitful endeavor, it has to be said.

*edit*

Apologies for being a little blunt.

Edited by Grey Hunter Ydalir, 29 October 2010 - 01:04 PM.

[elohimalpha]

Good read so far!

I too am curious about the change of tactics that almost got them wiped out by the Stonebound. They're picking off weakened Imperials, and it's working for them, so they take apart the Red Sabres piece by piece - did they get caught up in their own success and get sloppy? Was there some sort of bloodlust going on? It's clear that they break with their tactics and pay the price for it; it's just not clear why they break with their tactics. I know this sounds stupid even as I write it, but what is their motivation for attacking Imperial forces? It doesn't seem like they're after resources, and they don't appear to be hell-bent on destruction. Maybe theirs' is a more religious/ideological war - the Chaos Gods are the only Gods for humanity, and the Emperor (a False God) is going down.

I like the daemon that guides the warband in exchange for soul-snacks - is it responsible for guiding all four 'companies'? I'm assuming they all operate within the Shroud.

I dig the Beliefs section, how they turn the Chaos Gods into "beneficial deities". How do they view mutations/warp spawn? Do they have very many daemon allies?

I like where this is going!

[Mordray]

Personally given how much you've invested in making the leaders seem like masters of not being caught and exploiting weak points...

What I'd do in this situation is have the screw up that drove them into the Shroud Stars either occur before the big boss steps into power or have it be an upstart who was trying to prove himself better then the boss.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

It is hard to say for certain where they came from, whether the Rift Lords are a fallen Space Marine chapter, or a fragment from one of the original Legions.

I think that they wouldn't be one of original legions. Why would they have reason to hide that? And it would be... difficult... to have geneseed from certain legions (World Eaters spring to mind) and conceal their origins.

I would suggest that the Rift Lords have a variety of geneseed, and that they have members from many different chapters/legions - which chapters/legions are unknown As is their beginning...

Much of the early history of the warband is lost, even to them - though by chance or design is hard to say. It is known that the Rift Lords have always been devout followers of the cult of Chaos Undivided, and have always preferred brutal, two-pronged surprise attacks against foes rather than pitched battles. In a way, however, the true history of the Rift Lords begins with Maluk, their current leader. With his rise to power, the Rift Lords became more agressive, - attacking Imperial forces more regularly and with greater ferocity. Maluk, however, was no fool. Knowing full well the might the Imperium could bring to bear against the warband, he always targeted Imperial forces that were either weakened from conflict or unable to defend themselves, allowing the Rift Lords to remain undetected. The Rift Lords were a potent, hidden threat within the Segmentum Pacificus, always in the shadows, biding their time before striking. Maluk was guided in his campaign by Keja, a wily sorcerer possessed of great intuition and cunning. It was through a combination of Maluk's ruthlessness and Keja's deadly insight that the Rift Lords were successful in prosecuting their hidden war and bringing glory to their dark Gods.

How? How is it possible that a warband just appeared out of nowhere and only it's leader knows where any of them came from?

The first Imperium-confirmed combat against the Rift Lords was on the planet of Throka, at the Fortress-Monastery of the Red Sabres. After a long, difficult campaign, picking exclusively on the weakened and isolated Astartes forces, the Rift Lords had driven what remained of the chapter back to their homeworld. Although the Red Sabres were destroyed in the following battle, and their once-proud Red Fortress razed to the ground, reinforcements from the chapter known as the Stonebound were detected a short way from the planet at the battle's conclusion. Imperial records state that the Stonebound were able to engage the warband in open combat, killing many and driving the few survivng weary traitors from the planet. The truth is that Maluk quickly ordered a retreat, unsure of how many astartes were arriving to avenge the fallen chapter. Leaving only a hundred of the least experienced as a decoy to occupy the attention of the vengeful astartes, Maluk and his forces were able to slip away, boarding their ships and abandoning the planet.

This conflict marked the end of the Rift Lords' veil of secrecy. The Stonebound would pursue the warband relentlessly, forcing them to flee across the Segmentum Pacificus. During this time, the Rift Lords were perpetually hunted, attacked by naval forces and xeno ships alike. Even Keja's psychic foresight could not keep them from the danger that threatened from every angle. During this time, even some senior Rift Lords begun to doubt in the power of the Chaos Gods. Maluk had to contend with several challenges to his leadership, creating further strife and tension within the warband.

Again, this doesn't really make sense. Maluk left a decoy, and then the majority of the Rift Lords slipped away. So why are they still being followed? Especially if they hit the road so early? Why didn't the decoy work?

Eventually, the Rift Lords were cornered. Maluk and Keja only had one option - to abandon the Segmentum Pacificus altogether. Maluk and Keja organised their forces carefully, keeping only those who had shown unwavering devotion both to Maluk and the Chaos Gods near them, and placing the other, less stalwart Rift Lords in more perilous positions. As the Imperial forces closed in, Maluk hatched his plan. Taking only his chosen followers with them, Maluk and Keja snuck away aboard a Strike Cruiser, leaving the majority of the original warband to perish at the hands of the vengeful Imperium.

How did they recover geneseed from there? Make a minor note, but tell us how they managed to rebuild without a lot of geneseed.

Navigating through the Shroud required all of the guile and skill of the Rift Lords, but they knew instinctively that here was a place where the Imperium would not easily reach them. At the centre of the warp storms sat a great space hulk, desolate and empty.

Two things - if it was hard for them to do it, why would they think it would be any easier for the Imperium? And why did a space hulk manage to stay in one place if everything else was being treated like they were in a bipolar vacuum?

In the room behind lay an even greater wonder - a demon, bound within a golden cage. It whispered of how the Rift Lords could earn the favour of the Gods, and how they may even topple the dominion of the False Emperor. The demon revealed it could read the deadly warp storms, effectively granting the Rift Lords safe passage in and out of the Shroud, in exchange for priosners taken during the Rift Lords' attacks being brought to the demon.

Filled with a newfound zeal, and convinced to a man that the Gods had planned this for them, from that day the Rift Lords would be forever changed. Maluk and Keja begun planning to rebuild the warband, and how best to strike back at the hated Imperium.

The daemon told the truth? And they believed it? Some things aren't likely to happen even in the Warp. Those are two examples.

Revival:
The Rift Lords re-emerged from the Shroud as a very different force. Moving obliquely from planet to planet, small forces were given the mission to preach the virtues of the Great Gods to beleagured Imperial citizens. Often the Rift Lords would hire bandits or other lawless forces to help create more chaos, and add weight to the illusion that The Emperor had deserted his people. Their plans were fairly successful, many cities on many planets forsaking the Imperial Creed altogether, and embracing the light of the Gods. From these converted cities the Rift Lords drew their newest recruits, transporting them back to the Shroud to undergo training and eventually the implantation of the gene-seed.

Maluk and Keja's plans were simple - by tearing away the faith of the Imperial planets, they would be depriving the Imperium of one of their strongest assets, and increasing the power of the Gods. As the Warband began to regain it's strength, Maluk organised missions further and further afield, sending small forces of Rift Lords far and wide, bringing more and more cities and planets into the fold. They were given sweeping objectives, such as the conversion or elimination of certain hives or population centres, and left to engineer the details. These missions were not always easy - detection by Imperial forces meant almost certain death, and targets unwilling to bend to the will of the Rift Lords presented the warband with many obstacles. As word of the Rift Lords' actions began to spread, Imperial presence around the sector containing the Shroud Stars began to thicken.

Way too large of scale here. The Imperium would realize someone who was supposed to be dead wasn't or the DA would get you. Regardless, their would be some sort of reaction to this widespread actions that came out of nowhere, and there would be a lot of failure to go with the success that you described.

Keja's gift of foresight worked well for Maluk, allowing his forces to target weakened Imperial armies, preying on the diminshed forces like vultures picking at a carcass. But the real difficulty was the risk of open combat with other Astartes; equals to the Rift Lords in tactical acumen and cunning, combat with Loyalist Space Marines always reaped a bitter toll on the Rift Lords. And over time, with more chapters appearing in the north, the threat of extinction again loomed large for the Warband. Keja masterminded plans to attack the younger chapters before they could gain enough experience to match the veteran Rift Lords, aiming to mitigate the addition of fresh forces in the north. Although initially this plan met with some success, eventually the Rift Lords found themselves too weak in numbers to easily pursue such tactics.

Better

However, the will of the Gods was not to be denied. Other warbands, weakened by endless combat with Imperial forces, were driven into the Shroud. Some of these were absorbed into the Rift Lords' ranks, but some were too stubborn to openly join the Rift Lords. Maluk, however, was shrewd enough to see that even these forces had their uses. He negotiated deals with these other warbands - they would be allowed to shelter within the Shroud Stars, and permitted to foster their strength if they were willing to embrace the worship of the Great Gods, and work alongside the Rift Lords at Maluk's command. Many Warbands accepted these terms, some openly, some warily. Knowing that some of the Chaos Lords within these warbands were as power-hungry and ambitious as himself, Maluk had two ways to supress rebellion. Firstly, none of these warbands had working forgeships - the only functioning forges were to be found on the Rift Lords' space hulk, Runefaust. Maluk could, if displeased, simply refuse to supply a force with firepower. Secondly, if threatened, Maluk could have the demon aboard the Runefaust issue false guidance through the Shorud to the upstart warband, seeing them either destroyed or dispersed across the galaxy.

The Rift Lords were able to use their new allies to deadly effect, comitting them to battles against heavily defended Imperial bastions or even Space Marine forces. Keja's skill at foresight allowed Maluk to pick his fights with some care, striking only when the enemy was either worn down through combat or otherwise had lowered their guard. The reputation of the Rift Lords grew steadily throughout the upper echelons of the Imperium - they were known as zealous enemies who could strike at any time, from any angle. The Imperium is presently stil unaware of the exact location of the Rift Lords' headquarters. although recently Imperial forces have made experimental forays into the Shroud, the combination of vicious warp storms and orchestrated attacks by other Warbands mean the Rift Lords are still concealed from Imperial eyes.

Everything above is very good, although the Wraiths of Darkness would like to have a word with Maluk after reading the bolded section I also think you're making it seem that the Dark Gods favor the Rift Lords. The Dark Gods don't favor anybody, they keep the people who amuse them the most alive.

[Lodovico]

They seem like quite the pragmatic bunch. How do they make use of cults. In the original thread you mentioned something about them getting aid from some of their cults setup across the galaxy. I mean using things like trading companies to provide them supplies. Have some sort of military cadre consisting of guardsmen-turned traitors training some in military tactics and all that to provide support instead of the mindless fanatics I've so far only read about in the Cain omnibuses.


(And to be honest my knowledge of how those things work comes from reading what's in the Lexicanum and whatever mention of them that is in the Cain omnibuses so my understanding of the cults is rather... amateur at best .)

[Ace Debonair]

Wow.
I go away for a weekend and look what happens!

Alrighty, I'll try and cover everything that needs covering.

From the writing point of view you mention Maluk and Keja far to often and ocasionaly to close together.

True enough. I'll see what I can do about this.

A two pronged attack will lead to a pitched battle and is also a fairly bog-standard military tactic even among the uninitiated and tactical-non-entities like bank managers and kindergarten teachers because it's more of a common sense thing.

I think you need to explain this a little better.

Well, surprise attacks are hardly on the training course for bank maangers, to the best of my knowledge.
This is what the combat doctrine section will be for, anyway.

Just what possessed the Rift Lords to assault a Space Marine chapter. Not just a small portion of it's forces but the entire chapter? Other Astartes are one of the only forces that could really match the Rift Lords blow for blow and live to tell the tale, thereby destroying their cloak and dagger approach.

Regardless of the reasons the decision to prosecute an entire campaign to annihilate an entire chapter seems to lack foresight. The superlative insight that Keja is supposed to have was having a sick day here?

Well, the sentence is meant to imply that the attack on the monastery is the culmination of a highly succesful campaign against the Red Sabres, diminishing their numbers drastically. Perhaps I should be more explicit, or put a sidebar in briefly painting the picture.
As an aside, if Keja was infallible, wouldn't that be more overpowered?

Personally I think it would be better if it was a combination of a failure of Keja's warp-gained insight and Maluk's aggression that lead to them being discovered, rather than them simply 'doing that', by which I mean assaulting a chapter for what appears to be no real rhyme or reason.

Maybe they can destroy the fortress, just in a different and more crafty way than just hammering at it with their guns and swords until it dies, which isn't a fruitful endeavor, it has to be said.

That might be a better idea - have Keja counsel against the full-on attack, and have Maluk go with it anyway, 'cause the Gods demand it or whatever.

I too am curious about the change of tactics that almost got them wiped out by the Stonebound. They're picking off weakened Imperials, and it's working for them, so they take apart the Red Sabres piece by piece - did they get caught up in their own success and get sloppy? Was there some sort of bloodlust going on? It's clear that they break with their tactics and pay the price for it; it's just not clear why they break with their tactics.

I think I probably do need a sidebar for this. Must remember people aren't psychic.
I'll write something up detailing the fight from the point of view of the last Red Sabres, I think, talking about the terrible, un-named foe that has dogged them at every step and taken the lives of hundreds of marines, and how now, at the last, it makes the mistake of revealing itself.

I would suggest that the Rift Lords have a variety of geneseed, and that they have members from many different chapters/legions - which chapters/legions are unknown As is their beginning...

Uh, yeah, that's pretty much the truth of it.
They don't use the same geneseed for everyone, basically.

How? How is it possible that a warband just appeared out of nowhere and only it's leader knows where any of them came from?

I'll change that bit. Only a very small number of the original Rift Lords are still alive, and none of them talk about where they came from.
I swear it made sense when I wrote it.

Again, this doesn't really make sense. Maluk left a decoy, and then the majority of the Rift Lords slipped away. So why are they still being followed? Especially if they hit the road so early? Why didn't the decoy work?

Isn't it tradition that the villain's plan always has a fatal flaw?
Perhaps the astartes coming for them were just lucky. I'm not really sure how or why I should have that in the IT, though. And then there's all the Imperial navy and other stuff about - once the Rift Lords get spotted, I'd imagine it's quite hard for them to escape.

How did they recover geneseed from there? Make a minor note, but tell us how they managed to rebuild without a lot of geneseed.

I'd imagine they got some more by raiding and such like. I'll make a note to add that somewhere.

Two things - if it was hard for them to do it, why would they think it would be any easier for the Imperium? And why did a space hulk manage to stay in one place if everything else was being treated like they were in a bipolar vacuum?

Where does it say they think the Imperium would have an easy time of getting through the Shroud?
And the space hulk stays there because the demon onboard doesn't feel like getting torn apart, I should think.

The daemon told the truth? And they believed it? Some things aren't likely to happen even in the Warp. Those are two examples.

I don't know - did it tell the truth?
It convinced the Rift Lords to believe what it was saying. The fact that the Rift Lords then look at their religion a completely different way from other warbands might suggest something iffy.

Way too large of scale here. The Imperium would realize someone who was supposed to be dead wasn't or the DA would get you. Regardless, their would be some sort of reaction to this widespread actions that came out of nowhere, and there would be a lot of failure to go with the success that you described.

I'm not sure where the Dark Angels factor into this.
I should rather state that these were small-scale victories. They're not meant to be attention-grabbing, so I've slipped up there. Again.

Everything above is very good, although the Wraiths of Darkness would like to have a word with Maluk after reading the bolded section I also think you're making it seem that the Dark Gods favor the Rift Lords. The Dark Gods don't favor anybody, they keep the people who amuse them the most alive.

In response to the bolded section: Why?
The Rift Lords think the Dark Gods are favouring them. People who know this is not the case will know, er, that this is not the case.

They seem like quite the pragmatic bunch. How do they make use of cults. In the original thread you mentioned something about them getting aid from some of their cults setup across the galaxy. I mean using things like trading companies to provide them supplies.

That'll come in the organisation, and maybe get a line or two in combat doctrine.

Many thanks for the reviews, guys.
As you can see, the Rift Lords would be in a pretty bad state without you.

[Ace Debonair]

Duh.
I shoulda made that other post after I finished editing.
Now I've had to double post to confirm a proper update. Oh well, we live and learn.


Just the beliefs to hammer out now, I think - then I'll have an actual first draft.
But it'll probably suck without everyone's help - so feel free to tell me where all the mistakes are!

[Reyner]

This could have been mentioned but Codex wise Chaos Marines have no access to drop pods. But fluff wise they would probably still have them in their Strike Cruisers, maybe even some thunderhawks. Older Chaos armies might have Dreadclaws (thing before current drop pods) and Stormbirds (BIG thunderhawks).


*typo ftw*

Edited by Reyner, 01 November 2010 - 08:28 PM.

[Ace Debonair]

This could have been mentioned but Codex wise Chaos Marines have no access to drop pods. But fluff wise they would probably still have them in their Strike Cruisers, maybe even some thunderhawks. Older Chaos armies might have Dreadclaws (thing before current drop pods) and Stormbirds (BIG thunderhawks).


*typo ftw*

Cheers matey, I was waiting for clarificaton on that point.

Next quick question, for anyone who wants to answer: would looted drop pods be acceptable purely for story purposes?

[Reyner]

Of course. Hell there must be plenty of loot in the Shroud Stars in all the wreckage, have a bit of everything! Thunderhawks, Stormbirds, the works!

[Ace Debonair]

Of course. Hell there must be plenty of loot in the Shroud Stars in all the wreckage, have a bit of everything! Thunderhawks, Stormbirds, the works!

Bonza. I've changed up the sentence with the drop pods in to indicate they're looted ones.
I only hope the rest of the inevitable mistakes are as easily rectified.

On that note: can anyone see any other problems lurking within my present IT?

[Ace Debonair]

Gah, I hate double-posting.

But it's a neccesary evil - I finished the beliefs section, which in essence means a full first draft of the IT.
Took me long enough, I admit.

But since it's a first draft, you can bet your last bolter round there's going be all kinds of wacky, stupid mistakes that have slipped past my radar.
I'll just have to hope that everyone else is up to the challenge of brutally dismembering my work.

EDIT: And also I hope I've answered all the questions already posed to me. Feel free to hit me in the face with the same issues if they're still issues!

Edited by Ace Debonair, 02 November 2010 - 04:43 PM.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I would suggest that the Rift Lords have a variety of geneseed, and that they have members from many different chapters/legions - which chapters/legions are unknown As is their beginning...

Uh, yeah, that's pretty much the truth of it.
They don't use the same geneseed for everyone, basically.

Yes, but it suggests otherwise. The Rift Lords didn't come from one chapter. Their members came from many different chapters. The original Rift Lords came from something shadowy and mysterious. I feel like you're confusing the two, because you tell the story of the original Rift Lords, even though it's different from the current Rift Lords.

It's possibly because unlike most other IA/ITs, this story is centered around characters (Maluk and Keja) as much as it is around the Rift Lords as a warband.

How? How is it possible that a warband just appeared out of nowhere and only it's leader knows where any of them came from?

I'll change that bit. Only a very small number of the original Rift Lords are still alive, and none of them talk about where they came from.
I swear it made sense when I wrote it.

It just needs a little more explanation, which is alright, I have the same problem

Again, this doesn't really make sense. Maluk left a decoy, and then the majority of the Rift Lords slipped away. So why are they still being followed? Especially if they hit the road so early? Why didn't the decoy work?

Isn't it tradition that the villain's plan always has a fatal flaw?
Perhaps the astartes coming for them were just lucky. I'm not really sure how or why I should have that in the IT, though. And then there's all the Imperial navy and other stuff about - once the Rift Lords get spotted, I'd imagine it's quite hard for them to escape.

You should tell us how it happened. X should have caused Y to happen, but instead Z happened, and the reader is left wondering why. Your IT will benefit, trust me.

Two things - if it was hard for them to do it, why would they think it would be any easier for the Imperium? And why did a space hulk manage to stay in one place if everything else was being treated like they were in a bipolar vacuum?

Where does it say they think the Imperium would have an easy time of getting through the Shroud?
And the space hulk stays there because the demon onboard doesn't feel like getting torn apart, I should think.

It was more of a 'duh' thing, actually... it really didn't take that much thought to realize if the Rift Lords weren't having an easy time going the Imperium wouldn't either. Made the whole "They instictively knew the Imperium would have to be really lucky to reach them" comment redundant.

I find the daemons in golden cages tend to have problems controlling the Warp around them. It's why they're in a golden cage.

The daemon told the truth? And they believed it? Some things aren't likely to happen even in the Warp. Those are two examples.

I don't know - did it tell the truth?
It convinced the Rift Lords to believe what it was saying. The fact that the Rift Lords then look at their religion a completely different way from other warbands might suggest something iffy.

I'll have to reread it, I may just be missing something.

Way too large of scale here. The Imperium would realize someone who was supposed to be dead wasn't or the DA would get you. Regardless, their would be some sort of reaction to this widespread actions that came out of nowhere, and there would be a lot of failure to go with the success that you described.

I'm not sure where the Dark Angels factor into this.
I should rather state that these were small-scale victories. They're not meant to be attention-grabbing, so I've slipped up there. Again.

That's ok Ace, I have the same problem, just like every other IA/IT writer out there. Even Octavulg.

Everything above is very good, although the Wraiths of Darkness would like to have a word with Maluk after reading the bolded section I also think you're making it seem that the Dark Gods favor the Rift Lords. The Dark Gods don't favor anybody, they keep the people who amuse them the most alive.

In response to the bolded section: Why?
The Rift Lords think the Dark Gods are favouring them. People who know this is not the case will know, er, that this is not the case.

True. It just seemed like you were saying "Hey! The Rift Lords are blessed by the Dark Gods! " Wrong end of the awesome/cool scale there

Many thanks for the reviews, guys.
As you can see, the Rift Lords would be in a pretty bad state without you.

It's a pleasure, I can definitely see why you do this... being a bowling ball is fun

[Ace Debonair]

I would suggest that the Rift Lords have a variety of geneseed, and that they have members from many different chapters/legions - which chapters/legions are unknown As is their beginning...

Uh, yeah, that's pretty much the truth of it.
They don't use the same geneseed for everyone, basically.

Yes, but it suggests otherwise. The Rift Lords didn't come from one chapter. Their members came from many different chapters. The original Rift Lords came from something shadowy and mysterious. I feel like you're confusing the two, because you tell the story of the original Rift Lords, even though it's different from the current Rift Lords.

It's possibly because unlike most other IA/ITs, this story is centered around characters (Maluk and Keja) as much as it is around the Rift Lords as a warband.

Right. I'll try and come up with something that actually says what it needs to say instead.

How? How is it possible that a warband just appeared out of nowhere and only it's leader knows where any of them came from?

I'll change that bit. Only a very small number of the original Rift Lords are still alive, and none of them talk about where they came from.
I swear it made sense when I wrote it.

It just needs a little more explanation, which is alright, I have the same problem

Again, that's on the list of stuff to re-word so it says what it's meant to.

Two things - if it was hard for them to do it, why would they think it would be any easier for the Imperium? And why did a space hulk manage to stay in one place if everything else was being treated like they were in a bipolar vacuum?

Where does it say they think the Imperium would have an easy time of getting through the Shroud?
And the space hulk stays there because the demon onboard doesn't feel like getting torn apart, I should think.

It was more of a 'duh' thing, actually... it really didn't take that much thought to realize if the Rift Lords weren't having an easy time going the Imperium wouldn't either. Made the whole "They instictively knew the Imperium would have to be really lucky to reach them" comment redundant.

I find the daemons in golden cages tend to have problems controlling the Warp around them. It's why they're in a golden cage.

So you're suggesting the cage should be silver?
Honestly I'm not too smart at the demon stuff. I figured sticking it in a cage so it couldn't run off would be enough.

The daemon told the truth? And they believed it? Some things aren't likely to happen even in the Warp. Those are two examples.

I don't know - did it tell the truth?
It convinced the Rift Lords to believe what it was saying. The fact that the Rift Lords then look at their religion a completely different way from other warbands might suggest something iffy.

I'll have to reread it, I may just be missing something.

I didn't want to include all the inevitable lying and deceptions in the IT, and just thought I should focus on what the outcome of the encounter with the demon was.

Everything above is very good, although the Wraiths of Darkness would like to have a word with Maluk after reading the bolded section I also think you're making it seem that the Dark Gods favor the Rift Lords. The Dark Gods don't favor anybody, they keep the people who amuse them the most alive.

In response to the bolded section: Why?
The Rift Lords think the Dark Gods are favouring them. People who know this is not the case will know, er, that this is not the case.

True. It just seemed like you were saying "Hey! The Rift Lords are blessed by the Dark Gods! " Wrong end of the awesome/cool scale there

Hmm. Which bit gave that impression? I might as well re-write that too.

Many thanks for the reviews, guys.
As you can see, the Rift Lords would be in a pretty bad state without you.

It's a pleasure, I can definitely see why you do this... being a bowling ball is fun

I wouldn't know about that, not being part of the Librarium.
Although I'd like to think I have the critical power of a well-thrown half-brick, by comparison. It's not quite a bowling ball, but I can still knock bad ideas down.

Cheers, DAT. If I get time later, I'll get to work on re-writing those bits.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Although I'd like to think I have the critical power of a well-thrown half-brick, by comparison. It's not quite a bowling ball, but I can still knock bad ideas down.

Bowling balls? Bricks? In my day we used our hands if we were lucky, otherwise I'd rip off your arm and beat your ideas to a pulp with the soggy end.

Or we'd just use our Bolters. Either way.

I find the daemons in golden cages tend to have problems controlling the Warp around them. It's why they're in a golden cage.

Do you? Because this is the first time I've even heard of the idea, so I have no point of comparison. I don't actually understand the statement. If you mean by not speaking in riddles or misleading the chaos marines, yes I think a little bit of explanation is good. Negotiating with a Daemon is quite cool and fluffy for an IT, so long as you don't labour it. Having an interesting 'contract negotiation' with the daemon could be cool.

It would also allay some others impression of them being unduly favoured. But then, the Rift Lords believe it, so why wouldn't they impose that belief on others to accentuate their own self-aggrandisement? This is chaos we're talking about after all.

[Heru Talon]

Although I'd like to think I have the critical power of a well-thrown half-brick, by comparison. It's not quite a bowling ball, but I can still knock bad ideas down.

Bowling balls? Bricks? In my day we used our hands if we were lucky, otherwise I'd rip off your arm and beat your ideas to a pulp with the soggy end.

Or we'd just use our Bolters. Either way.

I preferred the method of ripping out the skull and spinal cord of some other author, and hitting the ideas with the skull end..

Honestly I'm not too smart at the demon stuff. I figured sticking it in a cage so it couldn't run off would be enough.

1. Did the daemon tell the truth? = Yes the daemon tells truth (but probably not the whole truth) because the Rift Lords are giving it captives to use for whatever ulterior motive it has.
Maybe it's using captives souls to slowly break free of it's imprisonment.
OR
Maybe it's just a wimp that is starving and can't survive without help.
OR
Maybe it's using the Rift Lord's faith as a method of gaining favour with whomever put it in the cage.
OR
Etc etc etc

2. And why did a space hulk manage to stay in one place if everything else was being treated like they were in a bipolar vacuum? = Again there can be a number of reasons.
Maybe whomever put the Daemon in the cage doesn't want it being thrown around the Galaxy, and so he put the hulk in the eye of the Shroud (like the eye of a twister).
OR
Maybe the hulk is the reason the Shroud exists.
OR
Maybe the Daemon or it's captivity is the reason the Shroud exists.
OR
Maybe whomever put the Daemon there created the Shroud.

The Daemon itself shouldn't have any free power other than it's ability to sense the funnels and storms in the Shroud.

Edited by Heru Talon, 03 November 2010 - 05:12 PM.

[Ace Debonair]

Although I'd like to think I have the critical power of a well-thrown half-brick, by comparison. It's not quite a bowling ball, but I can still knock bad ideas down.

Bowling balls? Bricks? In my day we used our hands if we were lucky, otherwise I'd rip off your arm and beat your ideas to a pulp with the soggy end.

Or we'd just use our Bolters. Either way.

I preferred the method of ripping out the skull and spinal cord of some other author, and hitting the ideas with the skull end..

Yeah, maybe I'm just soft in my old age.
A half-brick the face just doesn't have the critiquing power of a failed-author-skull-whip, no matter how you look at it.

Honestly I'm not too smart at the demon stuff. I figured sticking it in a cage so it couldn't run off would be enough.

1. Did the daemon tell the truth? = Yes the daemon tells truth (but probably not the whole truth) because the Rift Lords are giving it captives to use for whatever ulterior motive it has.
Maybe it's using captives souls to slowly break free of it's imprisonment.
OR
Maybe it's just a wimp that is starving and can't survive without help.
OR
Maybe it's using the Rift Lord's faith as a method of gaining favour with whomever put it in the cage.
OR
Etc etc etc

2. And why did a space hulk manage to stay in one place if everything else was being treated like they were in a bipolar vacuum? = Again there can be a number of reasons.
Maybe whomever put the Daemon in the cage doesn't want it being thrown around the Galaxy, and so he put the hulk in the eye of the Shroud (like the eye of a twister).
OR
Maybe the hulk is the reason the Shroud exists.
OR
Maybe the Daemon or it's captivity is the reason the Shroud exists.
OR
Maybe whomever put the Daemon there created the Shroud.

The Daemon itself shouldn't have any free power other than it's ability to sense the funnels and storms in the Shroud.

I like all of that, and most of those aren't mutually exclusive, meaning most, if not all of the above could be true.
I'm wondering how much of that to steal and put in the IT... or is it alright as it stands?
Thanks, Heru.

If you mean by not speaking in riddles or misleading the chaos marines, yes I think a little bit of explanation is good. Negotiating with a Daemon is quite cool and fluffy for an IT, so long as you don't labour it. Having an interesting 'contract negotiation' with the daemon could be cool.

Hmm, but I can't think of a way of writing it that wouldn't look absurd. "The Rift Lords were perplexed by the demon's riddles, only Keja figured them out, and they negotiated a contract." Hardly gripping stuff, I admit. Maybe once I've had some sleep I'll come up with something better to spice that bit up with.

Cheers guys, keep the critical stuff coming!

[Aurelius Rex]

From a first impression of the article, I think it has a lot of potential. If I could make some suggestions, though, I did feel that there was a lot that was unexplained, or speculative at the moment, to the point where I couldn't really get as much of a handle on them. For instance their origins are clouded in mystery, and the gene-seed section seemed more to be a list of possibilities than revealing any more of the story. While ambiguity can work very well in an IA / IT, I think that you may have to reveal a lot more to let the reader connect to them.

I did feel that I was missing something in the first couple of sections - with their destruction of the Red Sabres and the intervention of the Stonebound. Was this a vital tie-in to your other IA's? Coming to it cold, and perhaps without the context of the other parts of the puzzle, I wasn't sure what the earlier sections added to their character development. As I felt that the story really started to come alive once they got to the Shroud Stars, perhaps the earlier parts could be edited down or even cut them and focus on this instead unless they add something vital to their character along the way.

It may help to get a paragraph or two which really defines their theme - the thing which you can integrate into every part of the IA... They seem to differentiate themselves well from other renegade bands like the Red Corsairs based on their Word Bearer-esque corruption of the populace, and the hold they have over the other renegades from the forge-ship and access to the safe harbour of the warp rift. You of course can't give them too much great stuff without taking something away, or at least make it clear that the faustian pact (noted the name of its ship, by the way) is actually a poisoned chalice.

[Shinzaren]

Spot Reserved for when I wake up tomorrow The least I can do is a thorough critiquing of all your hard work Ace! See ya in the A.M.

[Ace Debonair]

From a first impression of the article, I think it has a lot of potential. If I could make some suggestions, though, I did feel that there was a lot that was unexplained, or speculative at the moment, to the point where I couldn't really get as much of a handle on them. For instance their origins are clouded in mystery, and the gene-seed section seemed more to be a list of possibilities than revealing any more of the story. While ambiguity can work very well in an IA / IT, I think that you may have to reveal a lot more to let the reader connect to them.

Well, to be honest, the reason there is no defined origin is that I can't come up with one that itsn't incredibly cliched.
As far as geneseed, I honestly don't know if I want to pin that down. I don't really think picking one would make any odds. Ironically, this warband genuinely has an unknown geneseed in that I don't have a clue what I'd actually go with if I did have to pick one.

I did feel that I was missing something in the first couple of sections - with their destruction of the Red Sabres and the intervention of the Stonebound. Was this a vital tie-in to your other IA's? Coming to it cold, and perhaps without the context of the other parts of the puzzle, I wasn't sure what the earlier sections added to their character development. As I felt that the story really started to come alive once they got to the Shroud Stars, perhaps the earlier parts could be edited down or even cut them and focus on this instead unless they add something vital to their character along the way.

The Red Sabres bit did link to the Stonebound IA. It still will when I re-write it. That bit is meant to skew the Rift Lords towards caution, really.
But in all honesty, that's basically the history from my old draft and I can probably improve it.

It may help to get a paragraph or two which really defines their theme - the thing which you can integrate into every part of the IA... They seem to differentiate themselves well from other renegade bands like the Red Corsairs based on their Word Bearer-esque corruption of the populace, and the hold they have over the other renegades from the forge-ship and access to the safe harbour of the warp rift. You of course can't give them too much great stuff without taking something away, or at least make it clear that the faustian pact (noted the name of its ship, by the way) is actually a poisoned chalice.

I'm open to suggestions for ways to handicap the Rift Lords, by the way.
I agree they need something to offset the Shroud Stars and all the other coolness.

Actually, I could perhaps do something with the geneseed there. Perhaps the geneseed used by the newer members of the warband can be mutated, causing random organs to fail after so many years - with, in many cases, disastrous results.

That might reinforce the idea that there aren't as many Rift Lords as people think, give me something useful to write in the geneseed section, and prove a serious handicap for the Rift Lords - only a handful of the old guard would be uneffected by the geneseed failure, maybe.

Any good?

Oh, and cheers for the read-through, Aurelius.

Spot Reserved for when I wake up tomorrow The least I can do is a thorough critiquing of all your hard work Ace! See ya in the A.M.

Bah! Sleep is for the weak!

Oh, and the tired, I suppose.

[Shinzaren]

Maluk was guided in his campaign by Keja, a wily sorcerer possessed of great intuition and cunning. It was through a combination of Maluk's ruthlessness and Keja's deadly insight that the Rift Lords were successful in prosecuting their hidden war and bringing glory to their dark Gods.

Keja, and nearly any name that uses the A after a soft consonant, sounds kind of female. Kejo, Keje, Keji, these sound a bit more masculine. Not a huge issue, just one that jumps at me. When you say they were successful, I get the feeling they won. Or they carried out some dark plan of their gods. Perhaps say

"...Keja's deadly insight that the Rift Lords had survived and even prospered in their hidden campaign, bringing glory to their Dark Gods."

The first Imperium-confirmed combat against the Rift Lords was on the planet of Throka, at the Fortress-Monastery of the Red Sabres. After a long, difficult campaign, picking exclusively on the weakened and isolated Astartes forces, the Rift Lords had driven what remained of the chapter - less than a hundred marines - back to their homeworld. Maluk ordered his men to remain hidden, tightening the stranglehold by degrees on the Red Sabres. However, as the battle marched on, it became harder and harder to control the Rift Lords - each one eager to kill in the name of their Gods. Eventually, even Maluk gave in to the siren promises of victory and glory, and he gave the order to attack. The walls of the Red Fortress were breached, and the killing began in earnest.

I think this needs to be a bigger deal. You've destroyed a chapter of the Emperor's mightiest troops. I would definitely make a bigger deal out of this. At least explain why they attacked the Red Sabres. For materials, recruits, or gene-seed? This is a big event in the Imperium.

Although the Red Sabres were utterly destroyed in the following battle, and their once-proud Red Fortress razed to the ground, reinforcements from the chapter known as the Stonebound were detected a short way from the planet at the battle's conclusion. Imperial records state that the Stonebound were able to engage the warband in open combat, killing many and driving the few survivng weary traitors from the planet. The truth is that once the Stonebound arrived, Maluk quickly ordered a retreat, unsure of how many astartes were arriving to avenge the fallen chapter. Leaving only a hundred of the least experienced as a decoy to occupy the attention of the vengeful Astartes, Maluk and his forces were able to slip away, boarding their ships and abandoning the planet.

I think it should read, "...driving the few weary survivors of the traitor forces from the planet." Seems clunky now. Astartes should be capitalized.

Masquerading as a loyalist force, the surviving Rift Lords traversed a great expanse of space, avoiding naval patrols and contact with enemy forces where possible. Eventually, after many years, the Rift Lords found themselves in the Segmentum Ultima, north of the Dominion of Storms. Constant evading of Imperial forces had left the surviving Rift Lords haggard and weary. Seeking desperately to find a permanent shelter, they travelled haphazardly from system to system. Eventually, on one planet, they heard tell of a place called the Shroud Stars, said to be a cursed place, forsaken by the Emperor. The Rift Lords navigated their way towards the Shroud cautiously, knowing Imperial forces resided watchfully in the areas of space around it.

How did they "hear tell" of a place? They are traitor Astartes. It's not like the rolled down to the local spaceport and had a pint. Perhaps instead of hearing tell, they received a message from their Dark Gods?

What they found there staggered their minds. The Shroud Stars were a number of barren planets and suns blanketed with unpredictable, harsh warp storms - throughout it's length and breadth were the ruins of vessels - Imperial and Xeno - both from recent times and some dating back to perhaps before the great crusade.

Switch harsh and unpredictable around to improve sentence flow. Great Crusade should be capitalized, as it is a proper name of an event.

Even as they traversed the Shroud, the Rift Lords saw badly damaged, ancient ships being drawn through vast, focused funnels of warp energy. Those that were caught in these warp-vortexes were banished to the furthest reaches of space - although later the Warband learned they also functioned to bring in new ships, launching them at deadly speed into the warp storms and drifting hulks. Navigating through the Shroud required all of the guile and skill of the Rift Lords, but they knew instinctively that here was a place where the Imperium would not easily reach them

Switch ancient and badly damaged to improve sentence flow. I think it would sound better if you said "would learn" instead of learned.

In the room behind lay an even greater wonder - a demon, bound within a golden cage. It whispered of how the Rift Lords could earn the favour of the Gods, and how they may even topple the dominion of the False Emperor. The demon eventually revealed it could read the deadly warp storms, effectively granting the Rift Lords safe passage in and out of the Shroud, in exchange for prisoners taken during the Rift Lords' attacks being brought to the demon.

Perhaps this needs to fleshed out a bit. This seems like a major turning point, this first meeting. I think it needs to have a bit more explanation, or maybe a sidebar detailing the first conversation? Too important to describe in three sentences.

Slowly, cities on many planets forsaking the Imperial Creed altogether, and embracing the light of the Gods. From these converted cities the Rift Lords drew their newest recruits, transporting them back to the Shroud to undergo training and eventually the implantation of the gene-seed.

Missing a word here I think. Began?

As the Warband began to regain it's strength, Maluk organised missions further and further afield, sending small forces of Rift Lords far and wide, bringing more and more cities and planets into the fold.

its. It's is the contraction: It is. Its is used to denote ownership. The more you know...

Keja's gift of foresight worked well for Maluk, allowing his forces to target weakened Imperial armies, preying on the diminshed forces like vultures picking at a carcass. But the real difficulty was the risk of open combat with other Astartes; equals to the Rift Lords in tactical acumen and cunning, combat with Loyalist Space Marines always reaped a bitter toll on the Rift Lords.

Seems a bit off. Perhaps:

"But the real threat to the Rift Lords was the risk of open combat with other Astartes; equals to Rift Lords in both tactical acumen and cunning. Combat with Loyalist Space Marines always reaped a bitter toll on the Rift Lords, one Maluk was loathe to pay."

The Rift Lords believe fervently in the glory of Chaos Undivided. Their great mission is to undermine the faith of the Imperium - a mission that seems virtually impossible. However, by sneaking small squads from planet to planet via civillian transports, moving like shadows from target to target, the Rift Lords chip away the faith of the Imperium in a thousand places.

Ummm.... An 8 foot tall super human warrior is sneaking from planet to planet on normal transports? That seems a bit much...

The way they portray the 'Great Gods' is key to their mission. The average Imperial citizen is loath to put his faith in the fearsome Gods of Chaos, so the Rift Lords have adopted a new approach, painting the Gods as beneficent deities, with command over virtues. Those who value honour are encouraged to worship Khorne, and seekers of wisdom are guided to Tzeentch. Prayers concerning personal desires are to be entreated towards Slaanesh, and Nurgle is portrayed as the master of life, death - and immortality.

That's.... kind of genius!

Members of The Voice keep apart from other Rift Lords when in the cities, living alone and allowing Imperial Citizens to freely come and discuss religion with them.

That seems...dangerous. Anyone can come and see him? What happens when word reaches the Governor about power armored giants preaching in the cities below? One of whom is flaunting his Heretical ways in public? Why wouldn't he call someone? An Inquisitor perhaps?

The Voice is responsible for forming and organising cults within the populations, and also doubles as a recruiter for any of the right age to join the Rift Lords. Other Rift Lords in the squads will calculate viable or neccesary targets for attacks, carrying them out in secret where possible, and further reinforcing the idea the Emperor has forsaken the potential converts.

One C in necessary

It is of note that the Rift Lords are fanatically against monotheism within their warband. Any who strive too hard to please one God risk displeasing the rest, and are punished appropriately, with the grossest trangressions being punished with immediate death. The Rift Lords are also wary of other warbands who venerate only one of the Great Gods, decrying their percieved lack of vision. While Maluk will allow such warbands to shelter within the Shroud, generally they must continually prove themselves useful to remain there for any length of time.

I think the grossest transgressions shouldn't be punished by immediate death, but rather, sacrifice to the Demon in the Golden Cage. I'm sure it would find Astartes, even Traitor Astartes, to be a fine meal

I before E, except after C. Perceived.

In battle, the Rift Lords often rely on the support of other warbands, letting them engage the enemy as they see fit. However, when the Rift Lords themselves are forced to take to the field, they prefer to dictate the terms of the battle themselves, by springing ambushes on unsuspecting foes.

Second sentence uses themselves twice and is kinda clunky. Perhaps:
"However, when the Rift Lords themselves are forced to take the field, they prefer to dictate the terms of the engagement, often by springing ambushes on unsuspecting foes."

The Rift Lords have learned from the siege of the Red Fortress. They never under-estimate other Astartes, and almost never engage them without the support of other warbands. In these instances, the Rift Lords usually only appear in force once the battle is joined, striking at an unprotected flank.
In return for the services of these ally warbands, Riftmarks often delegate a few squads of Rift Lords to aid their allies in the prosecution of battles against their hated enemies.

I think you hit the [Enter] key one to many times Noticable because of the spacing in the thread, but in your edit menu I think you'll see it

It is unknown exactly what geneseed the Rift Lords use. Some Imperial scholars postulate that the warband could be a splinter of the Black Legion or the Word Bearers for their belief system. Others still put forward the view that they descend from the Alpha Legion or Night Lords. However, the most likely theory is that the warband recovered it's geneseed after fleeing to the Shroud Stars by either raiding geneseed facilities or taking geneseed from other warbands seeking shelter in the Shroud.

Perhaps it is theorized that they are using captured and corrupted Red Sabers gene-seed? After all, they did attack and level their entire monastery for something right? Or was it just spite?

All in all Ace, looks very good. I'm less helpful on ITs than on IAs haha, but I tried. Mostly sentence structure and a few spelling mistakes. Some minor content issues, but overall, very cool concept. Definitely looking forward to seeing more

Edited by Shinzaren, 04 November 2010 - 05:14 PM.

[Heru Talon]

The Rift Lords believe fervently in the glory of Chaos Undivided. Their great mission is to undermine the faith of the Imperium - a mission that seems virtually impossible. However, by sneaking small squads from planet to planet via civillian transports, moving like shadows from target to target, the Rift Lords chip away the faith of the Imperium in a thousand places.

Ummm.... An 8 foot tall super human warrior is sneaking from planet to planet on normal transports? That seems a bit much...

There is a technology called a "displacer field" that can be used to mask an individual's size. A Custode uses it in Blood Games, from the Tales of Heresy book (part of the Horus Heresy series).

[Shinzaren]

The Rift Lords believe fervently in the glory of Chaos Undivided. Their great mission is to undermine the faith of the Imperium - a mission that seems virtually impossible. However, by sneaking small squads from planet to planet via civillian transports, moving like shadows from target to target, the Rift Lords chip away the faith of the Imperium in a thousand places.

Ummm.... An 8 foot tall super human warrior is sneaking from planet to planet on normal transports? That seems a bit much...

There is a technology called a "displacer field" that can be used to mask an individual's size. A Custode uses it in Blood Games, from the Tales of Heresy book (part of the Horus Heresy series).

But is that something the Rift Lords would have? Or have lots of?