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IA: White Hand Chapter v2.2


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#1
Ecritter

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Posted Image IA: White Hand Chapter – Guardians of the Truth

Posted Image


"You stand before me now as men. As you undergo the rites of the Order this day, as men you will die.
A lucky few will find favor in the eyes of the Emperor and your journey will be done. The rest he will return to me as marines.
Those will spend the rest of their days fighting for the honor to return unto him. Praise be the Emperor."

- High Grand Master Christobar Tobun, Chapter Master of the White Hand Chapter


Born of harsh and humble beginnings, the marines of the White Hand Chapter are devout worshipers of the god-Emperor. They fight for their god with the hopes to find redemption and favor in his eyes. They do not fear death, instead they seek it out. They throw themselves into battle with no regard for their safety and they never retreat from a foe.


Posted Image Origins
Posted Image

Chapter Badge

In the days of the Great Crusade and the Heresy that followed, all those that questioned the Emperor or moved against the Imperium were quickly imprisoned and dumped on penal worlds. Separated from humanity, lest their belief spread like a cancer throughout the galaxy. It was their punishment to be locked away until such a time when death took them. They were to be forgotten.

Crimes on these penal worlds flourished. Inmates would fall upon each other over food, clothes or sometimes just for fun. Life, if it could be called that, was often harsh and very short. It was hoped that, left to their own demise, they would rid the Imperium of the very threat they had once been by killing each other.

On one such penal world, the Great Teachers arose. They were huge, towering, brutes of immense strength and speed. It is said they brought civilization back to the uncivilized. Crimes around them came to an end, whether it was due to respect or fear is not known. These Great Teachers saw the Emperor as a god among men and as time passed they began to share that belief with the other inmates. They taught them how to free their minds from a world where their bodies were forever locked away.

Posted Image

White Hand Marine

As the years passed, the movement they'd begun became more a religion within the inmate population, They became imprisoned monks and in time most of the inmate population became followers and true believers. Forged on the long forgotten penal world of Zel Primus, the Order was born. For a thousand years after the Great Teachers passed on to their after lives, serving the Emperor's will, the Order flourished on Zel Primus. It became a place of peace and serenity within cold subterranean walls.

The status of Zel Primus eventually changed and inmates stopped coming, but the Monks of the Order chose to remain in the only place where they'd truly felt at peace. They built a grand monastery above the caverns they'd once been imprisoned, their refuge from a galaxy gone mad. Word of the Order spread slowly and in time pilgrims and settlers began to arrive, seeking the peace they'd heard these monks had found. In time small amounts of adamantium and precious gem stones were discovered on Zel Primus followed quickly by settlements, mines and trading outposts. In this way the Order survived and slowly grew.

The fact that the Great Teachers were in fact imprisoned Space Marines is an understood reality. But the reason for their imprisonment is never questioned. Whatever their crimes, they redeemed themselves and in so doing, saved numerous others on Zel Primus.

The Hidden Truth

The events of the Horus Heresy, and in particular Lorgar's tale of treachery and betrayal, are well known. The less known story is of the small contingent of Word Bearers who remained loyal to the Emperor. Unwilling to tip his hand too early, or reveal his radically shifted alliance, Lorgar sent these loyal marines to Terra, under the guise of studying the Imperial Truth.

It was these marines who inadvertently did the most to cover the treachery of their brothers. These loyalist Word Bearers did many good works, generating much good will for their Legion, good will that Lorgar would twist and abuse in the coming days of the Crusade. When the Horus Heresy exploded, these loyal marines stood with their Emperor, eventually battling their own brothers at the final battle of the Siege of Terra.

After the battle ended and the Heresy was put down, only 18 loyal Word Bearers remained. They surrendered to the Imperial Guard to accept punishment for their brethren. The question now was what was to be their fate. Some said that they were just as bad as their fallen brothers and should be immediately put to death. Others, including the Imperial Guard that the loyal Word Bears fought along side, said that they were innocent of the taint of Chaos and moreover were honorable warriors and should be freed. As no Legion had ever fallen before, let alone ten at once, there was no guiding law on the matter. In the end, it was the survivors own words that damned them.

Brother against Brother

The smoke of battle swirled madly around the marine. He was hurt, near death, and blood seeped out of his cracked power armor. He was alone, alone in the sense that his brothers were nowhere to be seen, but surrounded by Chaos Marines, their armor adorned with the symbol of a burning book ... and they taunted him.

”You are lost young one.” One of the Chaos Marines called to him. ”But it does not have to be this way. Join us and embrace the mighty power of Chaos the true gods. Otherwise you die. Decide now.”

That of course, was no option for the marine. His teaching told him that his only salvation lay with the god-Emperor. Only he could deliver him, in life or in death.

Slowly he raised his hand to his chest, grasping the small metal tube that hang there. Inside was the smallest sliver of bone. A prized honor given him by his brothers. Suddenly the pain was gone, and he raised his head and called out in a voice that was not his own.

”I am Brother Caspin Nor, a true bearer of the god-Emperor's word. You are not the brothers I remember and you are wrong. It is you that will die for your heresy today.”

With a sudden flash, his armor grew a blinding white and heavenly bolts of pure energy flew from his body striking the heretics. It was over in only a blink of the eye. All that remained was the young marine, his armor smoking. The Chaos Marines all lay dead around him.

The marine stood for only a moment, then collapsed as his life departed him. He had found salvation and the god-Emperor welcomed him home.
The survivors felt true guilt for Lorgar and their brother's actions. They were convicted of belonging to a heretic legion based on that guilt. The only question now was what to do with them. They were Word Bearers and would always be a constant reminder of the Heresy. Though they were loyal, they were an embarrassment to the Imperium.

Many was the call for their heads, but just as vehemently was the call for leniency based on their actions at the final Siege of Terra. The wrong verdict could cause as much dissension as the Heresy itself. It was therefore decided that they be locked away, far from Terra, where they could do no harm. It was those 18 loyal Word Bearers that were the Great Teachers, founders of the Order on Zel Primus.


Posted Image Founding

The 36th Millennium of Man was a tumultuous time for the Imperium. In response to the ever growing threat of Chaos and the great losses suffered by Imperial forces, the High Lords of Terra ordered several foundings to replenish the dwindling numbers of the Adeptus Astartes. Under these orders, the Adeptus Mechanicus set about to organize and institute these foundings.

Under direct orders of the High Lords, the Adeptus Mechanicus called upon the venerated Ultramarines of the Adeptus Astartes to train a new chapter of Space Marines as part of the 19th Founding. The Ultramarine training cadre of aged veterans, along with an Inquisitor of the Ordo Malleus, were provided geneseed from an unspecified source and ordered to travel to Zel Primus. Once there, they were to coordinate with the Order housed there and recruit for a chapter to be known as the White Hand.

Upon completion of their duties, the Ultramarines returned to their chapter, but the Inquisitor remained. Since its inception, Inquisitorial presence has been a permanent fixture within the White Hand Chapter. The purpose of the Inquisitor within the chapter is unknown to all but the highest in power.


Posted Image Homeworld

The former Penal World of Zel Primus has little to offer the Imperium. Due to its orbital rotation, the north is always covered in in ice while the south is a scorching desert. Only a narrow band of temperate land circles the equator. Most of the settlements, drawn by the Order along with the planet's meager mining prospects, are in the equatorial temperate zone. Only a few have sprung up in the large desert and tundra regions.

In the frozen tundra of the north, the Imperium originally constructed the penal facility. The facility was only a few building, including a small spaceport, on the surface. Most of the facility was carved out of the frozen ground, miles of tunnels housed the inmates far below the surface. It is here, in the old penal facility, that the White Hand constructed their Monastery Fortress sharing it with the members of the Order.

The one point of unity shared by all on Zel Primus is the religion of the Order. They see the Emperor as the supreme god. They follow the teaching of the Great Teachers as passed down to the Order. The religion grew separate yet parallel to the Imperial Cult.

To say life for the settlers on Zel Primus is hard would be an understatement. Families often send their young to the Monastery to study in the hopes they find a life more fulfilled then their own. It is from these youths that the Chapter draws its recruits.


Posted Image Beliefs

Rituals, Rites and Relics

Song of Redemption
Prior to a battle, the Company Chaplain leads the troops in the Song of Redemption. This prepares the company to fight the enemies of the Emperor and die with honor. By the time the battle starts, they all act with a single mind. They press forward and fight till either the battle is won or they are dead. The sound of their singing continues to reverberate across the battle line as they fight and does not end until the battle is done.

Ritual of Combat
From the beginning, the Great Teachers taught the other inmates that a strong body was as important as a strong mind. Like the Shaolin monks of old, they practice the martial arts daily to build their bodies and calm their minds.

Ritual of Cleansing
The flesh is weak and driven to sin. Only through pain can it be purged. The bodies of the members of the Order and chapter are covered with scars from years of self mutilation and cleansing.

Rites of the Order
The final phase of becoming a Space Marine, the gaining of the geneseed. Many that undergo this rite do not survive. It is believed that they have found favor in the eyes of the Emperor. The rest were unworthy and returned as Space Marines so that they may, through heroic deeds, find the much sought favor.

Death Rites
Death is celebrated as a release from sin and the torment of life. Funerals are a celebration and not a time of mourning. Anyone outside the Order or chapter would find this highly disturbing to say the least.

Bones of the Great Teachers
The bones of the Great Teachers are objects of reverence. The skulls watch over the main hall of the temple. One bone, normally a finger bone, is presented to each company of the Chapter and adorns its battle standard and small slivers of bone are awarded to the most honored. Until the loss of the 4th company, no bones have ever been lost.

Librium Veritate
The Book of the Truth. Written by the Teachers before their deaths. The original is kept in the monastery and copies are carried by company Chaplains.
Mostly because of their tormented beginnings, the marines of the White Hand Chapter believe that life is punishment and only in an honorable death in service to the Emperor can they find peace. They must purge themselves of sin in the hope of finding favor in his eyes.

An example of this can be seen in the recently loss of the entire 4th Company in a battle against Chaos Marines. Rather then retreat when it was clear they were loosing, their company's Master ordered their Strike Cruiser Achilles to ram the much heavier cruiser of the Chaos Marines. The battle was won with the destruction of both cruisers.

As a devoutly religious order, the White Hand is rich in rituals, rites and relics. The god-Emperor is the most revered being in existence and honored as such. After the Emperor, the Great Teachers and their teachings are the leading force in the brother's lives.


Posted Image Combat Doctrine

Due to the martial training first instituted by the Great Teachers, the White Hand Chapter prefers close quarter combat. And unlike most other chapters, assault squads are reserved for the most experienced and proficient members of the chapter.

Marines of the White Hand Chapter throw themselves at the enemy in waves and its said that they have never retreated from battle. Though they often suffer great losses, it is not seen as a drawback. Their belief that to die in battle serving the Emperor is the path to redemption drives them forward.

In battle, they fight like zealots for the divine Emperor. They eagerly throw themselves into combat with any enemy of the Imperium, and stand where others falter and fail. Their reputation as fearless warriors continues to grow over the centuries and shows now sign of falling.


Posted Image Organization

In most respects, the White Hand Chapter are a codex adherent chapter. The few variations they have spring from their combat doctrine and beliefs. Unlike many other Space Marine chapters, Tactical Squads are not the base from which the army is formed. The White Hand Chapter prefers close combat and for this reason the Assault Squads are the pinnacle of their force. They also have no Devastator Squads, instead they use armored vehicles to fill that role. Brothers start as Scouts, then move up either to Tactical or Assault Squads then finally to Vanguard or Sternguard Squads.

For reasons known only to the High Lords of Terra, the White Hand Chapter is always accompanied by a representative from the Ordo Malleus. The Inquisitor seems to simply be observing the chapter, and has only pressed them into Inquisitorial service twice since the chapters founding.


Posted Image Geneseed

The source of the geneseed used to create the Space Marines of the White Hand Chapter is unknown to all but the High Lords and a few within the Adeptus Mechanicus. Even the Inquisitors, whose duty it is to observe the chapter, have no knowledge in this matter.

To the Disciples, the source is the geneseed is unimportant. They see the teachings of the Great Teachers as their guiding light. They neither question nor seek its source. The geneseed is not who they are, only their faith is.

Some within the Imperium speculate that is the geneseed of the great Primarch Roboute Guilliman, because of its purity and lack of any defined flaws. While others insist its the geneseed of the Great Teachers themselves. But the truth is that those who know are unwilling to say.


Posted Image Battle Cry

Acknowledgment

I'd like to thank the members of the Liber Astartes for their help in making this Chapter come to life.
In particular, I'd like to thank Hrvat, Shinzaren, and Octavulg, among other, for helping breathe new life in my dream.
“Our lives for the Emperor.” This remains the core belief of the chapter and their only battle cry, urging them forward to face the enemy.

Edited by Ecritter, 10 November 2010 - 01:37 PM.

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#2
Ecritter

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Okay, here's the White Hand as they appear now. Lots of mistakes that I want to fix.

No training cadre ... I'm thinking of using the Grey Knights (but not their geneseed of course)?

Rewriting to make it more like better IAs.

#3
Hrvat

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I will get back with comments a bit later, it is good to see the pious inmates back in action :tu:

Considering their Beliefs you could connect them to both Grey Knights and Sisters of Battle. I can envision SoB and your guys being friendly to each other considering SoB would not know the truth of the distant past of the people White Hands recruit from.

For many years, the Order of the White Hand had been observed by a few individuals on Terra with great interest. They were renown for their devotion and love of the god-Emperor. Segmentum Obscurus, where Zel Primus lay, had always been the home of many of the Imperium's problems, and early in the thirty-sixth millennium of man the Order was added to the great history of the Space Marines of the Legiones Astartes to bolster defenses in this hard pressed region. All members of the Disciples are drawn from worthy initiates within the Order. They undergo the Rites of the Order to join the Disciples as Space Marines.

The Disciples remain members of the Order of the White Hand, and as such serve the Order's Grand Master. Though it is possible for a Disciple to become Grand Master it is rare, due to the relatively small size of the Chapter in relation to the Order as a whole. At least once in the Order's history, it has been led by a Disciple. Chapter vessels are manned by brothers from the Order and are considered as equals to the Disciples in every way.


The second part of the first paragraph is confusing. I am also not sure but the last two sentances seem as if they were writen in the wrong tense. The second paragraph lost me completely.

Is a Disciple just another word for a battle-brother or something else?

I can accept that Logar didn't want those marines killed and sent them somewhere out of reach, but sending them to Terra to do the very thing Emperor forbade them to do and was against the Imperial Truth just breaks a very nice story for me. Something far more probable would be if Logar droped (without equipment) the unwanted on Zel Primus, Imperials later added other malcontnetns there without even checking where the loyalty of these Word Bearers lied. The premise for this idea to me is that Logar wanted these brethren alive to witness the fall of the Emperor and despair as their illusion of Emperors Divinty gets crushed by the power of Chaos.


The monastery is completely unheated and in the middle of the frozen wastes and visitors find it a frigid place, but true believers find it warm and comforting.


One of the two ands break the flow of the sentace, maybe you could reword it?


In the beliefs and organsation sections are some things that seem a bit to much.


They throw themselves into battle with no regard for their safety and they never retreat from a foe.

This doctrine has more then once brought them to near extinction.

The Disciples today prefer close quarter combat. Their assault squads are reserved for the most experienced and proficient members of the chapter.

The final phase of becoming a Space Marine, the gaining of the geneseed. Many that undergo this rite do not survive.

With their high mortality rate, the Disciples only field five over-sized companies when at full strength.

Unlike many other Space Marine Chapters, Tactical Squads are not the base from which the army is formed. The Disciples prefer close combat and for this reason the Assault Squads are the pinnacle of the Disciples army.


This in itself isn't bad but the problem comes from the fact that a very similar thing is mention really often over a small portion of the article. Even if there are only 5 companies at full strength I find it hard to invision such a chapter functioning at all, which is sad because I like their theme a lot.

If casulties are high, than recruitment needs to be high. As long as there is an equal number of recruits and casulties it doesn't matter how many marines you have (it is the same if you have 500 or 5000) but if there are more casulties than recruits no matter how many or how few marines you have they will be on a constant decline just waiting to be anihilated. This is puzzling because you tell us that they have been brought to extinction before but managed to overcome it. How is that possible with such an approach and beliefs? The refusal of geneseed is a much bigger problem than what seams at first. For each such marine not only have you lost the zygote implanted into that individual but also 2 future zygotes which is a huge loss to a Chapter.


If you wish to maintain the Assault squad theme (I guess that also means rapid assault considering the nature of Assault squad movement) why not have them relly on Land Speeders for heavy weapons support.


Overall a very interesting chapter with great potential for development with things that jump at you.


If I have read correctly White Hands are Crusader Zealot Shaolin Monks in Space and that is cool.



Cheers

Hrvat

Edited by Hrvat, 31 October 2010 - 05:31 PM.


#4
Ecritter

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Okay, I'm doing this one section at a time. First section (opening) done. Its gonna be a complete (mostly) rewrite ... so ignore the old IA for now.

#5
Shinzaren

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Opening quote reminds me of Proximo from Gladiator.

#6
Hrvat

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Nooooooooo! :)

The White Hand was a really cool name. Righteous Defenders just sounds so generic when Space Marines are concerned, well at least in my opinion.


What made you change the name?

#7
Octavulg

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Righteous Defenders is also a hell of a mouthful.

Stick with White Hand Chapter at this point. It's better than Righteous Defenders.

If you want to simplify, just call them the White Hands.

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#8
Dexter Kong

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I have to admit, the White Hand is an extremely cool name, and leaves the door open for extremely cool heraldry. I would really stick with it if I were you.

#9
Ecritter

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Oh come on ... everyone hated the name White Hand before, now I change it and everyone wants it back :)

Really the name, and later other things change to match the new feel (still pious decendents of Word Bears though) of the Chapter.

PS: White Hands never fit with old or new feel.

EDIT: Updated Origins up for review.

Edited by Ecritter, 02 November 2010 - 12:36 PM.


#10
Hrvat

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My comment about the Hidden Truth still stands. Your explanation breaks the shared universe. I am ok with every person having their own little version of 40k it is just a question if you want to be part of the shared univerese or are you making your own.

Cheers

#11
Ecritter

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My comment about the Hidden Truth still stands. Your explanation breaks the shared universe. I am ok with every person having their own little version of 40k it is just a question if you want to be part of the shared univerese or are you making your own.

Cheers


I have a two part answer for that.

First, the Emperor never told the Word Bearers not to worship him. From all I've read, he told them to stop pausing on each and every planet to build temples and convert the masses. He wanted them to get on with the Great Crusade. So having a small contingent of marines build a temple on Terra while the Legion got on with the crusade was not disobeying the Emperor.

Second and most importantly, as I eluded in the IA, the reason Logar sent the marines to Terra was to hide what he was really doing. To all it appeared that he was loyal and continuing as normal ... when in reality he was worshiping Chaos and plotting.

I hope that answers your question, if not let me know.

EDIT: I did add a part to better explain the deception.

Edited by Ecritter, 02 November 2010 - 03:08 PM.


#12
Hrvat

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The thing is that before the Heresy Imperial Truth ruled. There were no Gods, Emperor was just a man. By allowing the Word Bearers to build a temple on Terra Emperor and the Sigilite would be going against the Imperial Truth.

From "the last Church" and "Descent of Angels" we get a very good view point into religion. Emperor despises religion while Dark Angels became very aggitated even agressive to the Calibanite locals that might have considered Emperor godlike. So apart from Word Bearers naming Emperor god would be beyond imagination, not to mention against the law. World had been cleansed for less during the Crusade.


Cheers

Hrvat

#13
Ecritter

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The thing is that before the Heresy Imperial Truth ruled. There were no Gods, Emperor was just a man. By allowing the Word Bearers to build a temple on Terra Emperor and the Sigilite would be going against the Imperial Truth.

From "the last Church" and "Descent of Angels" we get a very good view point into religion. Emperor despises religion while Dark Angels became very aggitated even agressive to the Calibanite locals that might have considered Emperor godlike. So apart from Word Bearers naming Emperor god would be beyond imagination, not to mention against the law. World had been cleansed for less during the Crusade.


Cheers

Hrvat


From what I've read, the Emperor was indeed not happy with the Word Bearers worshiping him ... but allowed it as long as they continued the crusade. He let it go on for over 1 century before even calling them out on it the first time.

Would it be more believealbe if I moved the new temple to another world ... and if so which one? Has to be well within the view of the Emperor and High Council for the plan to work.

If not, I'll have to find another reason for them to be on Terra.

Edited by Ecritter, 02 November 2010 - 03:26 PM.


#14
Octavulg

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Why be explicit about the Word Bearers and how they came to be at all? If you just hint at it, you don't have to explain these things.

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#15
Ecritter

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I feel the Word Bearer history is important to the Chapter, it will become more clear as later parts are posted.

The White Hand Chapter is back.

Not on Terra to build a temple anymore, just there to study the Imperial Truth now.

#16
Ecritter

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Founding is up for review, also a proposed new sidebar. Thoughts?

Brother against Brother

The smoke of battle swirled madly around the marine. He was hurt, near death, and blood seeped out of his cracked power armor. He was alone, alone in the since that his brothers were nowhere to be seen, but surrounded by Word Bears, their armor adorned with the symbol of a burning book ... and they taunted him.

”You are lost young one.” One of the Chaos Marines called to him. ”But it does not have to be this way. Join us and embrace the mighty power of Chaos. Otherwise you die. Decide now.”

That of course, was no option for the marine. His teaching told him that his only salvation lay with the god-Emperor. Only he could deliver him, in life or in death.

Slowly he raised his hand to his chest, grasping the small metal tube that hang there. Inside was the smallest sliver of bone. A prized honor given him by his brothers. Suddenly the pain was gone, and he raised his head and called out in a voice that was not his own.

”I am Brother Caspin Nor, a true Word Bearer and you are wrong. It is you that will die for your crimes today.”

With a sudden flash, his armor grew a blinding white and psychic bolts flew from his body striking the heretic Word Bearers. It was over in only a blink of the eye. All that remained was the young marine, his armor smoking. The Chaos Marines all lay dead around him.

The marine stood for only a moment, then collapsed as his life departed him. He had found salvation and the god-Emperor welcomed him home.

It goes with the new feel of the Chapter.

Edited by Ecritter, 03 November 2010 - 01:05 PM.


#17
Octavulg

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I like it. But I think the story (generally) would be more interesting if you developed the influences of the Word Bearers without making their origins apparent.

Subtext and hints are almost always better than text and facts.

Edited by Octavulg, 03 November 2010 - 01:28 PM.

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#18
Ecritter

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How about this? Now the only thing that would show them as Word Bearers is the Burning Book symbol.

Brother against Brother

The smoke of battle swirled madly around the marine. He was hurt, near death, and blood seeped out of his cracked power armor. He was alone, alone in the since that his brothers were nowhere to be seen, but surrounded by Chaos Marines, their armor adorned with the symbol of a burning book ... and they taunted him.

”You are lost young one.” One of the Chaos Marines called to him. ”But it does not have to be this way. Join us and embrace the mighty power of Chaos the true gods. Otherwise you die. Decide now.”

That of course, was no option for the marine. His teaching told him that his only salvation lay with the god-Emperor. Only he could deliver him, in life or in death.

Slowly he raised his hand to his chest, grasping the small metal tube that hang there. Inside was the smallest sliver of bone. A prized honor given him by his brothers. Suddenly the pain was gone, and he raised his head and called out in a voice that was not his own.

”I am Brother Caspin Nor, a true Word Bearer and you are wrong. It is you that will die for your crimes today.”

With a sudden flash, his armor grew a blinding white and psychic bolts flew from his body striking the heretics. It was over in only a blink of the eye. All that remained was the young marine, his armor smoking. The Chaos Marines all lay dead around him.

The marine stood for only a moment, then collapsed as his life departed him. He had found salvation and the god-Emperor welcomed him home.

Edited by Ecritter, 03 November 2010 - 01:38 PM.


#19
Octavulg

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Try 'a true bearer of the Emperor's word'.

I think that'd do it.

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#20
Ecritter

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how about this? kind of a mix of your idea, but I still want it clear who is really speaking through the marine.

EDIT: changed their crimes to their heresy.

Brother against Brother

The smoke of battle swirled madly around the marine. He was hurt, near death, and blood seeped out of his cracked power armor. He was alone, alone in the since that his brothers were nowhere to be seen, but surrounded by Chaos Marines, their armor adorned with the symbol of a burning book ... and they taunted him.

”You are lost young one.” One of the Chaos Marines called to him. ”But it does not have to be this way. Join us and embrace the mighty power of Chaos the true gods. Otherwise you die. Decide now.”

That of course, was no option for the marine. His teaching told him that his only salvation lay with the god-Emperor. Only he could deliver him, in life or in death.

Slowly he raised his hand to his chest, grasping the small metal tube that hang there. Inside was the smallest sliver of bone. A prized honor given him by his brothers. Suddenly the pain was gone, and he raised his head and called out in a voice that was not his own.

”I am Brother Caspin Nor, a true believer in the god-Emperor and you are wrong. You are not the brothers I remember and it is you that will die for your heresy today.”

With a sudden flash, his armor grew a blinding white and psychic bolts flew from his body striking the heretics. It was over in only a blink of the eye. All that remained was the young marine, his armor smoking. The Chaos Marines all lay dead around him.

The marine stood for only a moment, then collapsed as his life departed him. He had found salvation and the god-Emperor welcomed him home.

Edited by Ecritter, 03 November 2010 - 02:01 PM.


#21
Ferrus Manus

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I like it, but this bit makes no sense:

'He was alone, alone in the since that his brothers were nowhere to be seen,'

Alone in the what?
 
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#22
Ecritter

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I like it, but this bit makes no sense:

'He was alone, alone in the since that his brothers were nowhere to be seen,'

Alone in the what?


Its the wrong word, sorry. Should be sence.

#23
Octavulg

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I think mine was actually clearer.

A true bearer of the Emperor's word?

Either'd work, though. ;)

I'd recommend calling the psychic bolts something else, though. It doesn't feel mystical and spiritual enough.

Edited by Octavulg, 03 November 2010 - 02:13 PM.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

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Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

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#24
Ecritter

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I think mine was actually clearer.

A true bearer of the Emperor's word?

Either'd work, though. ;)

I'd recommend calling the psychic bolts something else, though. It doesn't feel mystical and spiritual enough.


I actually missed that reference the first time (I work nights and kinda tired now) I like it, I'll use a bastardized version of it.

Bolts are now 'heavenly bolts of pure energy' now.

I think that about wraps up the sidebar. Any comments on the new 'Founding' section?

Brother against Brother

The smoke of battle swirled madly around the marine. He was hurt, near death, and blood seeped out of his cracked power armor. He was alone, alone in the sense that his brothers were nowhere to be seen, but surrounded by Chaos Marines, their armor adorned with the symbol of a burning book ... and they taunted him.

”You are lost young one.” One of the Chaos Marines called to him. ”But it does not have to be this way. Join us and embrace the mighty power of Chaos the true gods. Otherwise you die. Decide now.”

That of course, was no option for the marine. His teaching told him that his only salvation lay with the god-Emperor. Only he could deliver him, in life or in death.

Slowly he raised his hand to his chest, grasping the small metal tube that hang there. Inside was the smallest sliver of bone. A prized honor given him by his brothers. Suddenly the pain was gone, and he raised his head and called out in a voice that was not his own.

”I am Brother Caspin Nor, a true bearer of the god-Emperor's word. You are not the brothers I remember and you are wrong. It is you that will die for your heresy today.”

With a sudden flash, his armor grew a blinding white and heavenly bolts of pure energy flew from his body striking the heretics. It was over in only a blink of the eye. All that remained was the young marine, his armor smoking. The Chaos Marines all lay dead around him.

The marine stood for only a moment, then collapsed as his life departed him. He had found salvation and the god-Emperor welcomed him home.


#25
Octavulg

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Excellent. I like the way you threw god in there, works in the divinity smoothly.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08





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