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[Telanicus]

Dranus Prime[/s] [fleet]

Once a proud and honored chapter, the Primaris Legion fights for its survival and to remove the stain of the betrayal of one of its greatest heroes and his followers.

Home World

Before the Betrayal of Cane and his supporters, when the traitors of the 5th and 7th companies slaughtered the unsuspecting loyalists on Dranus Prime, the home world of the Primaris Legion was Dranus Prime, the capital of the Draco Sector.
Dranus Prime was a civilized world, and so had many great thinkers, architects, and schools. However, being a civilized world, the potential of recruits had gone down. As the quantities of those who had met the strong physical requirements had decreased on the world, they began drawing their recruits from through out the sector.
Soon however, as the other worlds civilized, they could not find a good number of recruits from them. There were simply not enough criminals, scum, or fit citizens to meet the recruitment requirements.
Seeing the growing threat of laziness, Chapter Master Josiah Vinnius ordered the planetary governors throughout the sector to raise the physical requirements of the worlds. Soon, it was a requirement for every boy between 3 and 50 to be an active participant in athletics, and every 5 years, the boys who reached the age of 13 would participate in a series of athletic tournaments. Those who were in the top 15 percent would then go onto take a test of will, intellegence, and tactical brilliance. The top 20 percent of those who made it through those tests are selected as recruits, and are taken to the fortress monastary, and administered additional testing and are given the first implants. Those that survive are inducted into the scout company.

One result of their recruiting worlds and home worlds being civilized is that they have more scholarly warriors, who know how to destroy, rebuild, lead, and kill.

All of this held true, until the Betrayal.
When Cane and his First Company cast aside his loyalties to the Imperium and killed the Chapter Master Veyer during the battle of Ayen, he began corrupting the once civilized worlds of Draco. Dranus Prime had replaced its beautiful palace and wonderful architecture with an unholy cathedral and corrupted constructions. The once proud people were reduced to mere slaves and playthings of chaos. The athletic games became games of blood and despair.
No longer could this world be a source for recruits of the now battered Primaris Legion, and so when they fled, they lost their home world.
After the home world fell to chaos, it did not take long for the rest of the system, and soon the recruiting worlds of the region became as rare as a suit of terminator armor. All they had left was their shattered fleet, and their battered brothers.

Beliefs

Before the Betrayal, when Cane's unholy pact burned the sector, the Primaris Legion held onto the belief that given enough time, the Imperium would rebuild itself, and they tried with all of their might to make that true. Indeed, the results from the region under their jurisdiction gave them this hope, as the region's population had transformed from being a terrified, backwards society, to being a strong, prosperous society.
The Primaris Legion, not only used the Codex Astartes for their chapter, but modified it to fit the civilians. This however, did make them go beyond their role of just defending, but they justified this by saying that they not only provided external defense, but internal defense. Their chapter's librarians, who they gave the title Scholars, would go back through the avaliable history (as not all historical referances were allowed to be reviewed) of the Imperium and it's many saints and great rulers to help organise their experimental Codex Civilitas.

A result of their methods made the Primaris Legion loved by those it protected, and many holidays were named after their great heroes. This would ultimately lead to the downfall of the chapter.

After the display of blood, when the chaplains that had been captured were skinned alive, however, they lost faith in their abilities to change the Imperium. They began to doubt all that they had done, and decided that the Imperium would not change. They did however, remember their past achievements, and vowed that even if the Imperium would not change, they would defend what they had achieved, and what the Imperium had achieved, to the death. As a result, they did not destroy the Codex Civilitas, only stored it away, to only be opened again when they hoped, in the far future, the Emperor and Primarchs would return.

Orginization

Until the Betrayal, like all codex chapters, the Primaris has 10 companies, and it's companies are orginized the same (with the exception of the order of the reserve companies).

After the simultanious battles of Ayen and their fortress monastary on Dranus, however, they could barely make two full companies. As a result, the survivors were orginized into the two companies known as the Companies of Survivors. Their helmets were repainted black, to show their hatred to their enemies, until they had brought honor back to their chapter.

Because the chapter had wanted to strike back, and buy time for those civilians wishing to flee, they needed to be in more places than was possible. As a result, they sent a squad of space marines to rally what PDF forces they could in planets that had not fallen yet, and they would fight together as long as they could to hold off the enemy. When they could fight no longer, they took the soldiers they could with them and left the planet to its fate.
This bolstered their numbers with some loyal PDF regiments, which would then help them fight for the next planet. Though world after world was lost, each world cost the chaos forces more troops. Ultimately, they were pushed to the complete edges of the Draco Sector, and dug in until the Draco Crusade was called by the High Lords of Terra.

The survivors:
Chapter Master: Teldon Moses
High Chaplain: Aaron Abraham
Apathocary: Joshua Tradon

Company of Liberators
Captain: Jebidia

Company of Avengers
Captain: Jethro

Colors

Before the Betrayal



Companies of Survivors

The Betrayal

"Whoever kills his brother in blood, him will I put to silence; whoever has dark thoughts and a corrupt heart, him will I not endure." Psalm of Brotherhood.

"Today, we survive an assault on hour lives. Today, we survive an attack to our souls. From now on, our chapter will live on in shame. Our souls and honor have been tarnished with the betrayal of our once great hero Cane, who shall now live on in infamy.
Cane, our prideful brother, had given orders to destroy all that we have achieved in our service to the Imperium. He has not failed, and now, as we lie broken and defeated, he murders those who we had defended. Why? Because he let pride and arrogance corrupt his heart. When the victory over the invading forces had been achieved, the people celebrated our leader, but Cane believed it was HIS victory, not Veyer's. He, who in his pride cast out the Emperor and declared Him dead, shot our chapter master, and slaughtered his brothers. He screamed out that Draco was his.
Well I say, 'Whoever kills his brother in blood, him will I put to silence; whoever has dark thoughts and a corrupt heart, him will I not endure!' We will fight back! When the Emperor's wrath strikes back at Cane, we shall be there! If we shall go into history, then we shall go silencing Draco and our fallen brothers! We will endure them not!"
~Speech of Chapter Master Teldon Moses on the regrouping and reorganization of the survivors.


See the archives of the Unholy Chosen for complete details.

Edited by Telanicus, 16 June 2011 - 12:08 AM.

IA Sanguinary Crusaders The Crusaders of Blood.
IA Primaris Legion The Survivors
IT Unholy Chosen The Chosen of the Unholy Imperium of Cane.
IT Star Saviors The Chapter for the Greater Good.

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[Darkchild130]

First off, let me say I really like your colour scheme (even though I only use subdued camo myself).

Now, I have a problem with the origins. They attack a planet under assault from a WAAAAGH and have it all tied up in a few weeks.
This is not physically possible, WAAAAGHs are Genuine invasions, consisting of many, many orks. It would take months if not years for a fully manned chapter to purge the planet of Ork presence.

I like the recruiting methods and training programs, though it feels a little modern and civilised for 40k.

I keep reading about "the betrayal", but there are not facts about it. I know you posted a link, but it would be nice to add a little snippet of information about the betrayal every time it is mentioned throughout the article.
This way the reader would build up a picture of what happened in the background while concentrating on the main article.

Darkchild

[Telanicus]

Ok, here is the edit that I have done to the origins, so you do not have to reread the things I have not changed.

"By the end of the week, the Orks attacking the city had been completely surrounded and destroyed.
With the Ork threat almost completely gone, the Primaris Legion began the clean up operations and rebuilding the damaged world. The planetary governor promised the Astartes they would have a home on their world. Taking this offer, the Primaris Legion also constructed their fortress monastary into the highest mountain. When their stronghold was complete, they began to fortify the entire sector. Within two years the Ork threat had been eradicated. "

Also, I have added a speech to the Betrayal section (that will add more insight to it). Ultimately I will add more to this, such as notable actions, heroes, and more of the betrayal.

Could you give me an example of the adding snippets to the differant articles? I know what you are saying, I believe, but I am sort of lost on what to necessarily say. One example of something similar would probably be enough to get me along.

The training methods are a little modern, but I believe it kind of emphasis that the system is a more civilised system, which adds to the tragety of the betrayal.

[Riconas]

Cool idea, and cool colour scheme.

One thing I am bit confused about, however, is the size of the Chapter; it appears as though this Chapter is what remains of a Chapter that turned Traitor, correct? That would certainly explain why there are only 2 companies, but why have they not been able to build their forces back up? Are they still in the midst of doing so?

Also, just out of curiosity, is the Primaris Legion an official Chapter (created by GW, or at least mentioned), or did you create them entirely on your own? Either way, nice job adding some background to them.

Edited by Riconas, 21 March 2011 - 02:40 AM.

[Telanicus]

Thank you

The Primaris Legion just went through the rebellion, and so they have not had the time nor the resources to rebuild. I actually created them to tie in with my Sanguinary Crusaders, as the Draco Crusade is part of a campaign that I came up with for table top.
If you look at my Sanguinary Crusaders (who I, in real life, came up with before I came up with the Draco Crusade and the Primaris Legion), two of their companies are involved in the Draco Crusade.

This chapter is my own. At least I believe it is, if you find it in the codex, let me know so I can change it

[Darkchild130]

Ok, here is the edit that I have done to the origins, so you do not have to reread the things I have not changed.

"By the end of the week, the Orks attacking the city had been completely surrounded and destroyed.
With the Ork threat almost completely gone, the Primaris Legion began the clean up operations and rebuilding the damaged world. The planetary governor promised the Astartes they would have a home on their world. Taking this offer, the Primaris Legion also constructed their fortress monastary into the highest mountain. When their stronghold was complete, they began to fortify the entire sector. Within two years the Ork threat had been eradicated. "

Better.

Also, I have added a speech to the Betrayal section (that will add more insight to it). Ultimately I will add more to this, such as notable actions, heroes, and more of the betrayal.

Could you give me an example of the adding snippets to the differant articles? I know what you are saying, I believe, but I am sort of lost on what to necessarily say. One example of something similar would probably be enough to get me along.

Examples, lets see...

The first time you mention Cane the sentence reads
"The prosperity would last for thousands of years, until Cane the Unholy destroyed the great bonds of the chapter."

You could write
"The prosperity would last for thousands of years until the fateful battle of Detori, at which the seeds of heresy were sown within the Chapter."

there's your hook.

then you just add a little more information about the betrayal every time you mention it, rather than a single block of text explaining the event. It adds an air of mystery.

Also, you write about Cane as though everybody already knows about your traitor chapter.
They do not.
First time you mention Cane, give him a short introduction, explain who he was within the chapter. Next time you mention him, talk about the decisions that made him turn.

All in all its a good start and I like it, I just feel that the betrayal, written in the right way, could make your IA really interesting.

Darkchild

[Telanicus]

Can anyone help me think of a theme for their Symbol?

[Leonaides]

I'd suggest leaving the symbol for now and getting the story sorted out. Priorities and all that...

[Telanicus]

So what is your critique then? I thought the story was good enough to move on

[Leonaides]

The Primaris Legion, not only used the Codex Astartes for their chapter, but modified it to fit the civilians. This however, did make them go beyond their role of just defending, but they justified this by saying that they not only provided external defense, but internal defense.

A result of their methods made the Primaris Legion loved by those it protected, and many holidays were named after their great heroes. This would ultimately lead to the downfall of the chapter.

After the display of blood, when the chaplains that had been captured were skinned alive, however, they lost faith in their abilities to change the Imperium. They began to doubt all that they had done, and decided that the Imperium would not change. They did however, remember their past achievements, and vowed that even if the Imperium would not change, they would defend what they had achieved, and what the Imperium had achieved, to the death. As a result, they did not destroy the Codex Civilitas, only stored it away, to only be opened again when they hoped, in the far future, the Emperor and Primarchs would return.

First para - do tell me exactly how the tactics, support structure and organisation of a marine chapter is of relevance to running a sector. The economics, trade routes, criminal jurisdiction, religious observances, etc... The Codex Astartes istn even used by the Ultramarines in Ultramar in the manner you seem to be trying to use it here.

Many holidays? Your worlds must be paradise worlds to have many hoidays. And I dont quite see why those holidays being named after chapter heroes is the cause of the downfall of your chapter. Do you mean to say that your chapter instigated so many holidays across the sector (in areas that they know that they have no right to meddle - so thats not only your chapter being heretical but also all the planetary governors being guilty of dereliction of duty) that they populace had too much tim eon thier hands and became lazy and corrupt?

Then suddenly there is this skinning of chaplians - mentioned as if we already are familiar with it. How did the renegade marines capture chaplains specifically? Did they raid the Reclusiam, or were these just the chaplians captured during fighting with the loyal marines? Or were they the guys who were with the Chapter Master when he was killed? To many questions...

[Telanicus]

The Primaris Legion, not only used the Codex Astartes for their chapter, but modified it to fit the civilians. This however, did make them go beyond their role of just defending, but they justified this by saying that they not only provided external defense, but internal defense.

A result of their methods made the Primaris Legion loved by those it protected, and many holidays were named after their great heroes. This would ultimately lead to the downfall of the chapter.

After the display of blood, when the chaplains that had been captured were skinned alive, however, they lost faith in their abilities to change the Imperium. They began to doubt all that they had done, and decided that the Imperium would not change. They did however, remember their past achievements, and vowed that even if the Imperium would not change, they would defend what they had achieved, and what the Imperium had achieved, to the death. As a result, they did not destroy the Codex Civilitas, only stored it away, to only be opened again when they hoped, in the far future, the Emperor and Primarchs would return.

First para - do tell me exactly how the tactics, support structure and organisation of a marine chapter is of relevance to running a sector. The economics, trade routes, criminal jurisdiction, religious observances, etc... The Codex Astartes istn even used by the Ultramarines in Ultramar in the manner you seem to be trying to use it here.

Many holidays? Your worlds must be paradise worlds to have many hoidays. And I dont quite see why those holidays being named after chapter heroes is the cause of the downfall of your chapter. Do you mean to say that your chapter instigated so many holidays across the sector (in areas that they know that they have no right to meddle - so thats not only your chapter being heretical but also all the planetary governors being guilty of dereliction of duty) that they populace had too much tim eon thier hands and became lazy and corrupt?

Then suddenly there is this skinning of chaplians - mentioned as if we already are familiar with it. How did the renegade marines capture chaplains specifically? Did they raid the Reclusiam, or were these just the chaplians captured during fighting with the loyal marines? Or were they the guys who were with the Chapter Master when he was killed? To many questions...

As so far you are the only one to have complaints with this, I will adress it without changing a single thing.

First, As I said, it was Modified to fit a civilian part. And as the Codex lays down regulations such as, "This many of this, in combination with this many of this, using this tactic, equals this." They did the same thing. They used the codex to set up orginized sectors, leaving some as "reserve" sectors (or Backups) and "Battle" Sectors (or the standard, this is what we use most of the time). The balanced forces can be easily translated into the civilian "balanced" economy, and balanced governments.

Just because you have a holiday does not mean you are a paradise. Look at how America is, we have a whole bunch of holidays. Holidays are merely days you pay reverance to. But yes, many of their worlds are civilized worlds and paradise worlds.

And the holidays were named after the HEROES, the ones who saved worlds (and usually it was the world in question that celebrates it). So, one world might recognise VeyersDay (their "Fourth of July), and another might recognise the Mass of Jebidia, a hero who died so that the world could survive. See what I am saying?

Why would those be the downfall? Well, pride. I mean, look at Cane. Why did he turn crazy? Because he was filled with pride, and a holiday was named for his chapter master, not for HIM. So, full of pride, he said angrily, "I DESERVE THIS! NOT HIM!" And began the trek down the long road of corruption.

Do you really have to ask about how they skinned chaplains? I said in there that the chapter split, it is only common sense that loyalists will be captured. This is what they do to captured chaplains.


Also, thank you for the Critique

Edited by Telanicus, 17 June 2011 - 11:32 PM.

[Leonaides]

I get the 'how' of skinning the chaplains - but you make it sound more than simply that. The fact of specifically mentionong it almost makes it sound like the Chaplains were strung up, flayed, in fron tof the loyalists before they counter-attacked, or that the loyalists eventually re-took somewehre (maybe the Reclusiam?) and found all the chaplains and trainees chaplains in there... Tha act of mentioning such a thing draws the eye, and the mind to it, but you give it no setting, no reason and dont seem to show how that particular act has such importance as to be mentined when you dont even say how/why Cane turned to Chaos... It jars the narrative.

Then modifying the Codex Astartes into a sector governance - you've altered the trade structure of your sector - how does this affect wider Imperial supply structure - for example, your agriworld now supplies your hive world so your hive world can concentrate on building weapons (in order to fit with your support sector), but now your agri-world isnt sending food to the Imperial Navy yard or that Adeptus Mechanicus world, which then means you've disrupted the Navy ships who have to go elsewhere to stock up, and the forgeworld has to get food from elsewhere, which means 2 other worlds food produce is taken from their current recipeints and it spreads in waves. You also have the problem of what happens if an inconsiderate enemy attacks one of your reserve sectors - there are no formal front and rear lines after all. You've concentrated your battle-ready forces in your battle sectors, but that means you've weakened the defences of other worlds. You've also done what the Tyrant of Badab did - made your own little empire, and you can expect a LOT of Inquisitorial (etc) interest and general poking around.

As for holidays - its not the holidays causing their downfall - it was pride, and you need to say that.

If i was to try and pin it down to a sngle thing that would most improve the IA - I'd say that you need to try and cut down on the mental jumps you make in the text - its those leaps where you think its obvious, but the reader cant see wahts in your head so it isnt necessarily obvious to them.

[Telanicus]

I get the 'how' of skinning the chaplains - but you make it sound more than simply that. The fact of specifically mentionong it almost makes it sound like the Chaplains were strung up, flayed, in fron tof the loyalists before they counter-attacked, or that the loyalists eventually re-took somewehre (maybe the Reclusiam?) and found all the chaplains and trainees chaplains in there... Tha act of mentioning such a thing draws the eye, and the mind to it, but you give it no setting, no reason and dont seem to show how that particular act has such importance as to be mentined when you dont even say how/why Cane turned to Chaos... It jars the narrative.

Then modifying the Codex Astartes into a sector governance - you've altered the trade structure of your sector - how does this affect wider Imperial supply structure - for example, your agriworld now supplies your hive world so your hive world can concentrate on building weapons (in order to fit with your support sector), but now your agri-world isnt sending food to the Imperial Navy yard or that Adeptus Mechanicus world, which then means you've disrupted the Navy ships who have to go elsewhere to stock up, and the forgeworld has to get food from elsewhere, which means 2 other worlds food produce is taken from their current recipeints and it spreads in waves. You also have the problem of what happens if an inconsiderate enemy attacks one of your reserve sectors - there are no formal front and rear lines after all. You've concentrated your battle-ready forces in your battle sectors, but that means you've weakened the defences of other worlds. You've also done what the Tyrant of Badab did - made your own little empire, and you can expect a LOT of Inquisitorial (etc) interest and general poking around.

As for holidays - its not the holidays causing their downfall - it was pride, and you need to say that.

If i was to try and pin it down to a sngle thing that would most improve the IA - I'd say that you need to try and cut down on the mental jumps you make in the text - its those leaps where you think its obvious, but the reader cant see wahts in your head so it isnt necessarily obvious to them.

I understand what you are saying, but that has not been addressed by anyone but you. Now, if someone else gets onboard and the majority says the same thing, I will start making changes. But as it is, two people like it, say it is good (with some things that needed to be changed, which I had addressed, and changed).

Don't think of it on completely economical levels for the entire sector, think of it on a more planetary level (ie, the planetary governments are divided into "companies" each consisting of certain things, with certain responsibilites of each one set in stone, how each one should react to differant circumstances, the proper order in which to do things, limitations, etc. etc.)

As I said, the codex is the "base" item they used for the Codex Civilitas. That does not mean it is word for word, but that it is where they got their ideas. Often times when you take something and adapt it to something else, it will change to some degree. It has to, because not everything will fit. They did the same. They adapted it for Civilian use.

Also, no where in it does it say that it acts as the governing power. It is like Guilliman. He laid down the structure, said, "Follow this." and then let each of the chapter masters run their chapters. Same thing, they laid down the Codex Civilitas and said, "Follow this." They then stepped back and let each Governor (or "Chapter Master") do their own thing. But this did help the events that were to come.

Holidays cause the pride. Thus the statement, "One of the causes." It does not say it IS the cause, it says it is "one" of the causes.

I should not have to hold your hand to help you figure out what everything means. One of the things about literature is you are supposed to figure out the meanings of what is in it. Such as the Lord of the Flies. What did the Lord of the Flies represent? Why did it represent that? And who exactly was the Lord of the Flies? It does not tell us directly, we have to figure it out. They don't hold our hand and tell us. Thus, I will not do the same in my IA.

Now, this is of course unless more than 2 people get on and say the same as you. Then I will change it. As for now, Majority Rules.

[Leonaides]

But at least the Lord of the Flies told you why the conch was important before you had it being ignored. It was introduced and explained within the setting, then used in the story as a plot point. You have a plot point with no introduction or explanation.

I dont want you to change your IA for me - in the nicest possible way I dont care that much about it. I assume you wanted opinions on how you might improve it, I have attempted to give you my opinion, and I hope at the very least you might want to ask yourself "Why has what I've written made him think that?". Then, its up to you to decide if what you then see is worth making any changes to yout writing structure, whether something needs adding/expanding/removing or whatever. And never ever go for majority rules. Stick to what you want to write. You can ask for advice, we can offer it, but you dont have to listen to it.

[Telanicus]

But at least the Lord of the Flies told you why the conch was important before you had it being ignored. It was introduced and explained within the setting, then used in the story as a plot point. You have a plot point with no introduction or explanation.

I dont want you to change your IA for me - in the nicest possible way I dont care that much about it. I assume you wanted opinions on how you might improve it, I have attempted to give you my opinion, and I hope at the very least you might want to ask yourself "Why has what I've written made him think that?". Then, its up to you to decide if what you then see is worth making any changes to yout writing structure, whether something needs adding/expanding/removing or whatever. And never ever go for majority rules. Stick to what you want to write. You can ask for advice, we can offer it, but you dont have to listen to it.

Well I am thinking about it, and again, I thank you for the advice. But right now my concern has shifted from the story to the symbol, so do you have any ideas on what the symbol should be?

[Leonaides]

Primaris - Prime - One? maybe have a look at a few different symbols for numerical 1?

[Telanicus]

Primaris - Prime - One? maybe have a look at a few different symbols for numerical 1?

Good idea

+edit+

not so much luck yet :/

Edited by Telanicus, 19 June 2011 - 11:29 PM.

[Leonaides]

Equally - you could look along the "Prime - 1 - single - alone" route... So you might have something symbolising that - the first alone kind of thing. Could be as simple as a circle - a perfect formation - no weakpoints to attack, since they're all the same (unlike say a square or other shape). You could have a single column, your marines holding up the sector alone, and a cracked column for the rebellion veterans (or maybe for the chaos-worshiping ones?).... It all depends how sideways you want to think.