92 replies to this topic

[Banelord]

“I, the Lion, will judge you, not on your success in the hunt, but upon your dedication to the vision of my Father; to this end I choose you to initiate a crusade to purge the Emperors enemies, to provide a shining beacon in these dark times” -Book of Revelations [/smindent]

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enturies after the Age of Apostasy, the might of the Imperium was still dangerously undermined. The devastation caused across the Segmentae, especially the destruction of several invaluable Chapters of Adeptus Astartes, had caused a massive shift in power. In the latter part of M37 the 23rd Founding was created in order to restore stability. Crafted from the gene-seed of the 1st Legion, although seldom used, and with a small cadre of veterans, including the now infamous Interrogator-Chaplain Salvius. The Dire Wolves were sent to bolster the defences of Segmentum Pacificus.

Salvius has always been a great influence on the Chapter. A fiery, inspiring but devoted individual, He was the primary choice to become their spiritual teacher. Legends say that during the chapters’ inception, Salvius began to have visions. At first he dismissed them, until Lion El'"float: right; width: 300px; text-align: center; padding: 8px 8px 8px 8px; ">

Origin of the Wolves

Bernicia has many tales about gods and monsters, one such myth was that of the Dire Wolf. The myth goes how the gods became angry with how immoral the people came. A creature was sent to punish them, known as the Dire Wolf, it killed and devour in a great slaughter and only the truly righteous were protected from its wrath…..

Home-world: Bernicia

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or several millenniums the Dire Wolves have been a fleet based chapter but the medieval world of Bernicia has always remained its source of recruitment. A temperate archipelago with a large central Island, dominated with forests, where courage, valour and dedication, are expected in the servant-hood to ones lord, the idea of being willing to give one’s life for another’s; whether he would be giving his life for a poor man or his lord, is considered the highest form of gallantry. However, cruelty, cowardice and disloyalty are punishable by death. Brutal Wars between its many Kingdoms are rare with most disputes being solved with a single battle. These clashes of arms between the rivals, with the winner taking all, are ensuring that each Kingdom compete to train the best warriors but its people remain unaffected by war. A grand tournament is held once every ten years at the Temple of Alvalon, where the “Dire Wolf” is believed to be imprisoned, the greatest young warriors compete become “Sentinels of the Temple”. In fact the Dire Wolves use this tournament for selecting new neophyte, the worthy becoming true protectors of mankind.

Beliefs:

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espected as courageous, resourceful but fierce in combat. They arrogantly uphold their exalted principles of courage, valour and dedication. Preferring to battle at close quarter; seeing it as a more honourable form of combat. They commit to battles which most would consider lost, lead crusades deep into Xeno territory and fight to the death to liberate Imperials from tyrants and heretics. Nevertheless, they are notorious for executing cowardly Guardsmen and tyrannical officers, which they regard as acts of righteousness. However; they do not worship the Emperor as a god but as the supreme lord of the Imperium. These traits have cultivated a deep mistrust with the more fanatical fractions; often putting them in opposition with other organizations, such as the Ecclesiarchy and Inquisition. Nevertheless, any kind of disloyalty to the Emperor is abhorred by the chapter.

Geneseed:

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reated from the gene-seed of the Angles of Vengeance, thus Lion El'Jonson is revered as the definitive warrior. From the moment they become a neophyte they are told of his great deeds during the Great Crusade and the Horus Heresy. Failing to arrive in time, during the siege of Terra, to prevent the wounding of the emperor is considered his greatest but only dishonour. Hence, the Dire Wolves endeavour to follow his example, to prove themselves in the eyes of the Emperor.

Inner Circle Veteran

Tactics and Organisation :

The Dire Wolves abide by the Codex Astartes, except 1st and 2nd companies which are uniquely organized into the Sentinels and the Watchers.

Inner Circle

Like all of the Unforgiven, the Dire Wolves are commanded by a mysterious group known as the Inner Circle. Only the most devoted and well proven battle-brothers are allowed to enter their ranks. Once deemed worthy by the Masters of the Chapter they are taken to the Halls of Remembrance, deep within the Chapter Monastery. Here they must stand Vigil, for one month, overseen by Master Interrogator-Chaplain Salvius, Keeper of the Truth. This is the time they gain knowledge of the traitor Luther the rest of the Fallen. They learn that it’s their duty to help search for the fallen but, unlike the Dark Angels, it should not become their only motivation. Once the Vigil is complete, Salvius determines which fraction they should join. They either join the ranks of the valiant Sentinels or the mysterious Watchers.

The Sentinels: The Sentinels are the most fanatical of Dire Wolves, inspired by Salvius and his visions; they uphold the beliefs of the chapter. Acting as the vanguard; they lead their battle-brothers, refusing to relent until they have proven themselves within the eyes Lion El'Jonson.

The Watchers: The Watchers are the disciplined hunters of the chapter and have the sinister duty of tracking down members of the Fallen. The Watchers remain secretive and detached, even among their brothers, fighting alongside the rest of the chapter in specialist hunter-killer squads. Preferring to work secretly, they stalk their prey until they expose a weakness, pursuing them across the sector if necessary, only to return once their target is destroyed.

“Nam et leonem Imperator!"

“For the Lion and for the Emperor!"
-Battle Cry

Edited by Banelord, 16 July 2012 - 02:53 PM.

[Ace Debonair]

((This is my first IA and it is a very rough draft, more of an outline really. I’m struggling to think of an original theme as everything I think of I find somewhere else . I hope to come up with an original story. Anyway, this is what I’ve got so far any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. ))

Welcome to the Liber.
Be forewarned - your IA might attract criticism, but all C&C is intended only to highlight errors and inconsistencies and allow you to improve your IA.

So, now the disclaimer's aside, on with the show!

Originality isn't everything, but you could always take a couple of ideas you like and combine them in a way you've not seen before.

The apex predator of Anatolia was a mysterious creature known by the locals as the “Dire Wolf”. It is said to be four times the size a man, to have a head of a wolf and body of a bear. The only time the marines encountered it was when a patrol, lead by Brother-Captain Canis, was ambushed. Canis lost an arm during the fight; he was only saved when the combined fire of the squad managed to drive it off. Brother-Captain Canis was so impressed by the deadly creature that he named his newly trained Marines after it as a mark of great respect.

What?
The Captain loses an arm to a wolf, and names his Chapter after the wolf?

"Arrgh, that wolf bit my arm off! That's badass! I must name my chapter after it!"
It seems very, well, silly. You could just have big, nasty wolves on whichever planet he's been recruited from, and he could harken back to the memories of those deadly predators when naming his chapter.

Their training was to be cut short however, the “Dire Retribution” had received incoming urgent message from the local Hive World of Ankara. A Space hulk called the Messenger of Woe had just dropped out of the warp and was heading for the Planet. Initial scans had indicated a large infestation of Genestealers, but also that parts of the ship dated back to the Horus Heresy. The local Imperial Navy managed to divert its course but It was ordered by ((I don’t really know? Adeptus Mechamicus or local government?)) to be purged and investigated. Brother-Captain Canis decided this would be the perfect test for his marines and ordered the “Dire Retribution” to intercept. After a month of brutal close quarter fighting with bolters, flamers and Chain-swords, within the tight confines of the Hulk. The Dire Wolves emerged victorious and were well rewarded. They had gained precious combat experience but suffered 15% casualties, including Interrogator-Chaplain Lupus. Many relics were discovered deep among the ruins of the Hulk, but in a sealed section was found the ultimate prize. Twenty suits of Tactical Dreadnought Armour and a Dreadnought that dated back to the time of the Horus Heresy. These were claimed by the Chapter and were to form the foundation of their future DeathWing ((Might the change name to fit better)). It was soon decided that Brother-Captain Canis and the remaining “Angels of Vengeance” were to join the “Dire Wolves”. Canis became the new Grand Master but Chaplain Lupus had suffered grievous wounds during a fight with the Genestealer Patriarch. So it was that he had the honour of being interned in the chapter’s first dreadnought.

I don't really see what this section is here for.
It adds nothing except an implausibly ancient Dreadnought, which you don't really need.

Remember - the great and mighty deeds of your marines aren't important. Combat is only important for the consequences - and even then only if the battle changes the Chapter in some way.

Home world: WIP ((initially going to be a fleet based chapter but eventually finding a feral home world. An Archipelago made up of several warring kingdoms))

Sounds fine.

Organisation: WIP ((The same organisation as their fellow Unforgiven just with a few name changes.))

Combat Doctrine: WIP ((Like all marines they are well trained with all forms of combat but they seam to prefer and excel at close quarter combat. Space Hulks, urban combat, sieges anything that’s brings them up-close and personal with the enemy))

Likewise, sounds alright.
Provided the name changes in the Organisation aren't just changes for changes' sake - if you can come up with some sort of reason to adapt the names, then so much the better.

Beliefs: WIP ((They believe that’s it’s their duty to help search for the fallen but this is not their driving force like the dark angels. They believe the only way to absolve their shame is through the total destruction of the emperors enemies, especially traitors of all kinds, which they had developed a deep hatred for. Just the sight of a traitor sends them into a rage and refuses to stop fighting until they are defeated. They also believe that they have to constantly prove themselves, the tougher the enemy the better, both as a chapter and as individuals.))

Sounds like a good starting point.


All in all, not bad.
But, there's not much sense of personality in the Chapter.

Do they like any other Imperial Factions? Do they dislike any Imperial Factions?
You've got a hatred of traitors penned in - that can expand and form a strong central theme in the IA.

But, what are your marines like? Are they superstitious and feral at heart, with a pack mentality? Are they hyper-disciplined warriors that carry out their roles on the battlefield with dilligence to bring down numerically superior forces, likes a pack of wolves bringing down larger prey? Are they somewhere between the two, or something else entirely?

Just some things to mull over, hopefully it helps.

EDIT:
Bah, more typos.

Edited by Ace Debonair, 20 April 2011 - 03:09 PM.

[Ferrata]

To add to Ace's comments. I always find it best to imagine the Joe Average Marine of your chapter - what would he be like? There is always different personailities within a chapter, a range of characters that make up the whole, but there is an average guy. For the Ultramarines this guy follows his strict code of honour and courage, tactical flexability etc. For my own Wings of Death it is an arrogant, self-centred who believes himself the very best but wants people to constantly tell him so . This goes a great way to help you develop your chapter as this one guy grows into the chapter.

A couple of the names made my raise an eyebrow. Random brothers Lupus and Canis get given a battlebarge called the Dire Retribution and decide to call their chapter the Dire Wolves after the planet they recruit from. Maybe attempt to change these names so they aren't so obvious.

[Banelord]

Welcome to the Liber.
Be forewarned - your IA might attract criticism, but all C&C is intended only to highlight errors and inconsistencies and allow you to improve your IA.

Thanks for the welcome! I just find it useful to have another persons point of view, even if it is criticism.

What?
The Captain loses an arm to a wolf, and names his Chapter after the wolf?

"Arrgh, that wolf bit my arm off! That's badass! I must name my chapter after it!"

It seems very, well, silly. You could just have big, nasty wolves on whichever planet he's been recruited from, and he could harken back to the memories of those deadly predators when naming his chapter.

I never looked at it that way. Now you’ve pointed it out it does seem silly. Might just keep it as a myth of the people or like you said memories of his home planet.

I don't really see what this section is here for.
It adds nothing except an implausibly ancient Dreadnought, which you don't really need.

Unnecessary detail really, might just use it as background to Interrogator-Chaplain. I was thinking of having him/it the keeper of the Knowledge, so to speak. He would judge who enter the Inner circle, keeps the list of the fallen ect ect…. I like the ideal of Terminator armour and Dreadnoughts being very rare, I don’t see a new chapter just being given 100 suits and “X” amount of Dreads. I wanted them to be earned giving them greater importance within the chapter. I don’t think its that implausible for it to be that old, can’t think of the name but their used to be a Space Wolf Dread that was that ancient.

Edit: Bjorn the Fell-Handed, thats his name

A couple of the names made my raise an eyebrow. Random brothers Lupus and Canis get given a battlebarge called the Dire Retribution and decide to call their chapter the Dire Wolves after the planet they recruit from. Maybe attempt to change these names so they aren't so obvious.

Didn’t really put much thought into names, just put dawn the first thing that came to mind. Can easily be changed.

Thanks for the comments, you’ve given me lots to think about.

Edited by Banelord, 20 April 2011 - 05:29 PM.

[Arkangilos]

What?
The Captain loses an arm to a wolf, and names his Chapter after the wolf?

"Arrgh, that wolf bit my arm off! That's badass! I must name my chapter after it!"
It seems very, well, silly. You could just have big, nasty wolves on whichever planet he's been recruited from, and he could harken back to the memories of those deadly predators when naming his chapter.

I agree with this Statement from Ace.

I might have another solution though. Just an idea to consider, what if they were on patroll, and they saw the Dire Wolf fighting off a LARGE group of something else (that would be smaller, but much more vicious). Then, the captain sees it and says, "Man, did you see that? That Dire Wolf just held off a rather large group of enemies, and though he suffered grevious wounds, he still prevailed... That is the symbol of our chapter!"
That adds quite a bit of symbolism to it. "The animal that suffered many wounds, but still fought on."

[Ace Debonair]

Unnecessary detail really, might just use it as background to Interrogator-Chaplain. I was thinking of having him/it the keeper of the Knowledge, so to speak. He would judge who enter the Inner circle, keeps the list of the fallen ect ect…. I like the ideal of Terminator armour and Dreadnoughts being very rare, I don’t see a new chapter just being given 100 suits and “X” amount of Dreads. I wanted them to be earned giving them greater importance within the chapter. I don’t think its that implausible for it to be that old, can’t think of the name but their used to be a Space Wolf Dread that was that ancient.

Edit: Bjorn the Fell-Handed, thats his name

Fair point. But they're the Space Wolves, and they've been around since the Heresy. Your lads are from the 25th founding, and are thusly stumbling across a relic that's almost 10,000 years old. It just seems a bit unlikely that they'd find a functioning Dread in that fashion, you know?

That said, this could just be me being nit-picky.

[Banelord]

agree with this Statement from Ace.

I might have another solution though. Just an idea to consider, what if they were on patroll, and they saw the Dire Wolf fighting off a LARGE group of something else (that would be smaller, but much more vicious). Then, the captain sees it and says, "Man, did you see that? That Dire Wolf just held off a rather large group of enemies, and though he suffered grevious wounds, he still prevailed... That is the symbol of our chapter!"
That adds quite a bit of symbolism to it. "The animal that suffered many wounds, but still fought on."

Thanks, I have a few ideals but I’ll still add this one to the pot.

Fair point. But they're the Space Wolves, and they've been around since the Heresy. Your lads are from the 25th founding, and are thusly stumbling across a relic that's almost 10,000 years old. It just seems a bit unlikely that they'd find a functioning Dread in that fashion, you know?

That said, this could just be me being nit-picky. 

I’ll see how it goes, if it sounds to unbelievable I’ll drop it.

[Banelord]

I've not had a lot of time to work on this project, but i've added the little i've had time to do to the first post.

Edited by Banelord, 22 April 2011 - 05:33 PM.

[Ecritter]

I like the work you've done on the beliefs section. keep up the good work.

[gaurdian31]

Also just because the dreadnought and the TDA suits are on a space hulk doesn't mean they have to be ancient. Not all of the hulks are. Just my two thrones. And I think it's interesting that they'd have Wolves as part of their chapter name being a DA succesor.

[Aqui]

agree with this Statement from Ace.

I might have another solution though. Just an idea to consider, what if they were on patroll, and they saw the Dire Wolf fighting off a LARGE group of something else (that would be smaller, but much more vicious). Then, the captain sees it and says, "Man, did you see that? That Dire Wolf just held off a rather large group of enemies, and though he suffered grevious wounds, he still prevailed... That is the symbol of our chapter!"
That adds quite a bit of symbolism to it. "The animal that suffered many wounds, but still fought on."

Thanks, I have a few ideals but I’ll still add this one to the pot.

Also remember that an injured/cornered animal (regardless of what they are) is the most dangerous kind

Can't really add much else to what has been said already, but I'll have a look at stuff you add in the future

P.S. Welcome to the Liber

[Banelord]

agree with this Statement from Ace.

I might have another solution though. Just an idea to consider, what if they were on patroll, and they saw the Dire Wolf fighting off a LARGE group of something else (that would be smaller, but much more vicious). Then, the captain sees it and says, "Man, did you see that? That Dire Wolf just held off a rather large group of enemies, and though he suffered grevious wounds, he still prevailed... That is the symbol of our chapter!"
That adds quite a bit of symbolism to it. "The animal that suffered many wounds, but still fought on."

Thanks, I have a few ideals but I’ll still add this one to the pot.

Also remember that an injured/cornered animal (regardless of what they are) is the most dangerous kind

Can't really add much else to what has been said already, but I'll have a look at stuff you add in the future

P.S. Welcome to the Liber

I’m going for the myth creature at the moment to see how that sounds, If it don’t work I’ll use this as my fallback.

I like the work you've done on the beliefs section. keep up the good work.

Thanks, I’ve just tried to expand it a little, I hope it explains them a little bit more.

Also just because the dreadnought and the TDA suits are on a space hulk doesn't mean they have to be ancient. Not all of the hulks are. Just my two thrones. And I think it's interesting that they'd have Wolves as part of their chapter name being a DA succesor.

Very true, I just like the ideal of them dating back that far.

[Banelord]

Still slowly building it up, but getting there.

[Walter Payton]

Hi Banelord,

I'm going to give some specific criticism, then some general criticism. If I seem harsh, it's because I care. patronising wink.gif

After first contact with the Necron Fleet in 666.M40, came the call to increase the amount of available chapters to counter this new threat. By 700.M40 The High Lords of Terra had ordered the 25th founding.

Did they really order the founding for this reason or is this something you have invented? If it is, then I would recommend shifting the boundaries a little, something more along the lines of: "Prior to the 25th Founding, the High Lords felt that Necron predations throughout the galaxy required a more active response. Thus it was that at the subsequent founding, the Dire Wovles were founded with the prupose of killing Necrons."

Initially many chapters were going to be created from gene-seed tithed stocks from Ultramarines and their successor Chapters, but pressure from various Chapter Masters allowed for other gene-seed lines to be used in limited numbers.

This really isn't relevant; every founding uses a variety of geneseed. IAs top out at 5000 words max; use them wisely.

It was during this founding that the “Dire Wolves” were created. Permission was given for gene-seed to be used from the “Angels of Vengeance”, due to the purity of their gene-seed. This was unexpected as the gene-seed from Lion El'Jonson was seldom used in previous founding’s.

This is somewhat weak. It can be summarized thus: "Normally this doesn't happen, but it did this time for no discernible reason." You need stronger reasoning, which you can provide in 2 ways:

1. Invent a halfway plausible reason that connects to the theme of the chapter
2. If you are going for a mysterious theme, have it be lost to history.

Personally, I wouldn't put the chapter's name in quotation marks but that's up to you.

"Foundings" as a plural doesn't have an apostrophe. I don't want to be pedantic, but careless grammar costs lives.

Anatolia is covered in lush forests and inhabited by thousands of deadly creatures. It is said that it closely resembles “Caliban” before its destruction. During their training, Aloysius lead the Dire Wolves in successfully purging the Space Hulk Messenger of Woe. It was then that the cadre of the “Angels of Vengeance” ultimately joined the “Dire Wolves” and Aloysius became the first Grand Master. Not only did they save Anatolia prime, but they also recovered several scared relics including several suits of Tactical Dreadnought Armour and a rare Dreadnought chassis. But Chaplain Salvius had suffered grievous wounds during the battle. So it was that he had the honour of being interned in the chapter’s first dreadnought. Salvius had heard many tales about gods and monsters during his time on Anatolia, one such myth was that of the “Dire Wolf”. The myth goes how the gods became angry with the people for their lack of faith. They sent a creature know as the “Dire Wolf” to punish them. It is said to be four times the size a man, to have a head of a wolf and body of a bear. It began to kill and devour people in a great slaughter; only the truly faithful were protected from its wrath… This reminded Salvius of the sacred mission of the Unforgiven, so deemed it a fitting name for the chapter.

This is good stuff, but it could be refined; there is a lot of irrelevant detail in there. Excessive detail is not good.

To the annoyance of the Ecclesiarchy, The Dire Wolves do not worship the Emperor as a god but as the founder of the Imperium and their creator.

The Ecclesiarchy has long accepted the independence of the Astartes. Why would they care about another chapter who do not worship them?

Inner Circle: Like all of the Unforgiven, the Dire Wolves are commanded by a mysterious group known as the Inner Circle. Only the most devoted and well proven battle-brothers are allowed to enter their ranks. Once deemed worthy by the Masters of the Chapter they are taken to the Halls of Remembrance, deep within the Chapter Monastery. Here they must stand Vigil, for one month, overseen by Master Interrogator-Chaplain Salvius, Keeper of the Truth. This is the time they gain knowledge of the traitor Luther the rest of the Fallen. They learn that’s it’s their duty to help search for the fallen but, unlike the Dark Angels, it should not become their only motivation. Once the Vigil is complete, Salvius determines which fraction they should join. The ranks of the Impulsive Death wing or the Indifferent Raven wing.

Indifferent is an...odd adjective for the Unforgiven; they seem to be one of the more care-laden chapters. Can't think why...

This passage would be an excellent sidebar.

Quote this coding

You make them like this.

Organisation: The Dire wolves follow same organisation as their fellow Unforgiven. Company’s still follow the Codex Astartes except 1st and 2nd which are uniquely organized into the death wing and raven wing.

Deathwing and Ravenwing should be capitalized. It's that phantom apostrophe again!

Death wing: The Death wing is the First Company of the Dire Wolves and is comprised of power armoured assault squads who deploy in land raiders or are equipped with jump packs, due to the limited numbers of Terminator Armour. Upon entering their ranks a marine learns many of the secrets and soon become the most fanatical of the Chapter, eager for battle, devoted to total destruction of all heretics. Once they enter combat they fight with the rage and savagery of wild beasts, refusing to relent until all their chosen prey lie dead at their feet

RavenWing:The Ravenwing is the Second Company of the Dire Wolves. They are considered the hunters and trackers of the chapter. The Ravenwing is a highly specialised formation, comprising entirely of bikes, attack bikes and land speeders. Their missions are primarily reconnaissance, skirmishing, raiding, and most importantly, hunting down heretics. They too are taught the secrets of the chapter yet they remain highly disciplined, compared to their Deathwing Brothers. They Prefer to stalk their prey and slowly wear them down until they expose a weakness, which they then quickly take full advantage of.

Again, this is good but flawed. We know what the Ravenwing and Deathwing do.

This is a good start, but the chapter lacks a unifying theme. Read the Octaguide.

Keep up the good work, though.

[Banelord]

Hi Banelord,
I’m going to give some specific criticism, then some general criticism. If I seem harsh, it's because I care. Patronising wink.gif

All criticism is welcome as long as it’s constructive.

Did they really order the founding for this reason or is this something you have invented? If it is, then I would recommend shifting the boundaries a little, something more along the lines of: "Prior to the 25th Founding, the High Lords felt that Necron predations throughout the galaxy required a more active response. Thus it was that at the subsequent founding, the Dire Wolves were founded with the purpose of killing Necrons."

This sounds a lot better than Want I had written . They were not founded just to kill Necrons; it’s more of the case for a call for reinforcements when a new front opens up on the battle-field. I think I saw it on the B&C timeline page, but anyway I get the point, lucky this is just a first draft.

This is good stuff, but it could be refined; there is a lot of irrelevant detail in there. Excessive detail is not good.

Good point, maybe a good start for another sidebar?

Again, this is good but flawed. We know what the Ravenwing and Deathwing do.

I think I’ve gone into to much technical detail; I wanted to try and show the stark difference between the two. One believes in instance fiery vengeance and the other slow, cold and calculating vengeance. I’ll work on it

[Banelord]

I have taken some of the useful advice and started to edit some of the stuff I’ve did so far.

But I have 2 fluff questions:

Would the Eldar destroy an Imperial world just to purge its sleeping Necron presence?


Is the Macharius Heresy still fluff? If you don’t know what that was its mentioned in the old Codex: Imperial Guard 2nd edition of the game.
Thanks

[Walter Payton]

Would the Eldar destroy an Imperial world just to purge its sleeping Necron presence?

The Eldar's motives are shrouded in mystery, and they are racist utilitarians. I think that combo more than justifies them doing just about anything.

Is the Macharian Heresy still fluff? If you don’t know what that was its mentioned in the old Codex: Imperial Guard 2nd edition of the game.
Thanks

Unless it has been contradicted, it's still fluff. And I don't see why GW would get rid of it, given that LSM is meant to be Alexander the Great.

[Walter Payton]

Contact with the Necron Fleet came just prior to the 25th Founding, the High Lords felt that the Necrons were an ominous threat to the Imperium. Thus, it was that the Dire Wolves were founded with the purpose of reinforcing Segmentum Pacificus…Master Interrogator-Chaplain Salvius

Would it not be better to have this as part of the passage and something more dramatic as a quotation?

"And lo did the Lion of Caliban appear unto me in a dream, and he spake thusly: "'Salvius, my instrument, go out into the Imperium and someone up."' - Master Interrogator-Chaplain Salvius (Gaius Liberalis, perchance?)

seldom used in previous foundlings.

Foundings.

But it is believed to be due to the purity of their gene-seed.

That's still a weak reason; Ultramarines successor are just as pure and have the added benefit of not running off to pursue mysterious ends in the middle of important battles.

the now infamous Interrogator-Chaplain Salvius.

Foreshadowing! I like it.

Training initially began on the death-World of Anatolia prime in the Anatolia Sector. Like Caliban of old, Anatolia was covered in lush forests and inhabited by thousands of deadly creatures. During their training, the first Grand Master Aloysius, lead the Dire Wolves in successfully purging the Space Hulk Messenger of Woe. It was during the purging that Chaplain Salvius had suffered grievous wounds. So it was that he had the honour of being interned in the chapter’s first dreadnought.

Sidebar it. If I were you, I would make the Origins section the tale of how they reached their homeworld and what it's like, or a defining event/events. Of course, this battle with the Hulk could be expanded into a defining event.

Chapters must have character. I as a reader should see what makes them tick, what flaws and features they have. The best ways to do this are to weave it into your chapter's description or give them a backstory that builds it. I personally prefer the 2nd feature, but it's up to you.

Chapters must also have a theme. This can be either historical (Space Imperial Germany, Space Samurai, Space Romans, Space Celts), fantastical (Space Vampires, Space Undead, Space Werewolves) philosophical (Death, Order, Corruption, Indifference, Love) or a mixture (the Ultramarines, for instance: Space Romans, but also order and justice. The Blood Angels: Space Renaissance Italian Vampires, but with rage, beauty and impermanence).

Home world: WIP ((initially going to be a fleet based chapter but eventually finding a feral home world. An Archipelago made up of several warring kingdoms))

Get right on this. Homeworld is often instrumental in building theme.

Organisation: The Dire wolves follow same organisation as their fellow Unforgiven. Companys follow the Codex Astartes except 1st and 2nd which are uniquely organized into the death wing and raven wing.

Death wing: The Death wing is the First Company of the Dire Wolves and contains the most fanatical of the Chapter, eager for battle, devoted to total destruction of all heretics. Once they enter combat they fight with the rage and savagery of wild beasts, refusing to relent until all their chosen prey lie dead at their feet.

RavenWing: The Ravenwing is the Second Company of the Dire Wolves. They remain highly disciplined compared to their Deathwing Brothers. They Prefer to stalk their prey and slowly wear them down until they expose a weakness, which they then quickly take full advantage of.

Expand.

It's coming on miles. Try to expand on a theme however, and check check check check check spellen, and, grammar Keep it up

[Banelord]

Would it not be better to have this as part of the passage and something more dramatic as a quotation?

"And lo did the Lion of Caliban appear unto me in a dream, and he spake thusly: "'Salvius, my instrument, go out into the Imperium and someone up."' - Master Interrogator-Chaplain Salvius (Gaius Liberalis, perchance?)

Just trying out some of the codes just to see how it looks really. Gaius Salvius Liberalis, yes that’s where I got the name

Sidebar it. If I were you, I would make the Origins section the tale of how they reached their home world and what it's like, or defining event/events. Of course, this battle with the Hulk could be expanded into a defining event

.

Makes sense, it more of a defining event for Salvius really. Its just how he ended up as a dreadnought. Just thought it be different to have the Master Interrogator-Chaplain as a dreadnought.

Chapters must have character. I as a reader should see what makes them tick, what flaws and features they have. The best ways to do this are to weave it into your chapter's description or give them a backstory that builds it. I personally prefer the 2nd feature, but it's up to you.

At the moment, The ideal I have is they start off as you typical unforgiving chapter, If there is a thing, but it turns out that Anatolia was in fact an Necron home-world. Not only do the marines get a good kicking, but Anatolia gets destroyed. I’m hoping that this would be enough to cause a change of thinking within the chapter. “yes capturing the fallen is important but these evil things are a much more of a greater threat.” sort of thing. But I do agree that backstory that builds a chapters character it better.

Chapters must also have a theme. This can be either historical (Space Imperial Germany, Space Samurai, Space Romans, Space Celts), fantastical (Space Vampires, Space Undead, Space Werewolves) philosophical (Death, Order, Corruption, Indifference, Love) or a mixture (the Ultramarines, for instance: Space Romans, but also order and justice. The Blood Angels: Space Renaissance Italian Vampires, but with rage, beauty and impermanence).

Space Celts/Saxons/Barbarians sort of thing.

Unless it has been contradicted, it's still fluff. And I don't see why GW would get rid of it, given that LSM is meant to be Alexander the Great.

Just an ideal I’m playing with. Its an interesting back drop, a 70 year civil war that involved over 100 chapters. Lots of room to play with

Edited by Banelord, 26 April 2011 - 09:24 AM.

[NightrawenII]

Contact with the Necron Fleet came just prior to the 25th Founding, the High Lords felt that the Necrons were an ominous threat to the Imperium.
The problems is that the this 'contact' was single encounter and the first recorded contact with Necrons itself comes in 897.M41.

[Banelord]

Contact with the Necron Fleet came just prior to the 25th Founding, the High Lords felt that the Necrons were an ominous threat to the Imperium.
The problems is that the this 'contact' was single encounter and the first recorded contact with Necrons itself comes in 897.M41.

Yes true, but in The Foundings page by Ferrata its says the 25th was potentially in response to Necron and Dark Eldar activity in middle of M40. So this single encounter must have worried them.
I’m guessing that 897.M41 was the first official contact, But it depends on how you look at it really.

[Arkangilos]

666.M40 First contact with Necron Fleet.


Founding Year Date Reason
25th M40 700.M40 WD248 suggests and potentially in response to Necron and Dark Eldar activity in middle of M40

This comes straight from the Time Line, Nightrawen

Edited by Telanicus, 26 April 2011 - 01:54 PM.

[NightrawenII]

666.M40 First contact with Necron Fleet.


Founding Year Date Reason
25th M40 700.M40 WD248 suggests and potentially in response to Necron and Dark Eldar activity in middle of M40

This comes straight from the Time Line, Nightrawen

More often than not all that remained of the Imperial craft which encountered these strange ships was the scattered wreckage of its remains, and the only clues to the nature of the enemy were garbled distress messages speaking of alien ships using weapons of quite terrifying destructiveness. Whenever such incidents were investigated nothing could be found of the perpetuators, and no useful evidence could be collected pointing to their nature or origin.

All this changed in the year 666.M40, when the first recorded incident of a Necron ‘harvest’ took place in the Yuctan system close to the Eastern Fringes. Although sparsely inhabited, the system included an Imperial Naval depot. At the time of the attack the depot was being used by small Imperial squadron consisting of the Dauntless class light cruiser Farsight and half a dozen escort craft. Squadron Farsight was undertaking a long range patrol, and was visiting Yuctan to refuel and re-arm, when it received distress messages from an Imperial colony on the outlying planet of Merida. The squadron moved to intercept and took part in the first recorded encounter between Imperial battlecraft and a Necron fleet. Only one of the Imperial craft survived to tell the tale (the Cobra class destroyer ON37452). The Necrons suffered no losses. By the time a full Imperial fleet could be despatched to the Yuctan system the Necrons had disappeared. And of the human colonists in the system there was not a single trace…

Since then there have been a further 27 recorded encounters between Imperial Navy ship and Necron raiding fleets. There are also anecdotal accounts of space battles between the Necrons and Eldar, Ork and even Chaos space fleets.
~ BattleFleet Gothic, the Necrons Supplement

The Imperium's first recorded contact with Necron race occured at Sanctuary 101 in 897.M41, an isolated Adepta Sororitas convent on Eastern Rim.
~ Codex: Witch Hunters; Planetstrike and Codex: Necrons

+++++
In other words the 25th Founding was in response to the Necron activity, not against the Necrons itself.

Edited by NightrawenII, 27 April 2011 - 10:14 AM.

[Banelord]

666.M40 First contact with Necron Fleet.


Founding Year Date Reason
25th M40 700.M40 WD248 suggests and potentially in response to Necron and Dark Eldar activity in middle of M40

This comes straight from the Time Line, Nightrawen

More often than not all that remained of the Imperial craft which encountered these strange ships was the scattered wreckage of its remains, and the only clues to the nature of the enemy were garbled distress messages speaking of alien ships using weapons of quite terrifying destructiveness. Whenever such incidents were investigated nothing could be found of the perpetuators, and no useful evidence could be collected pointing to their nature or origin.

All this changed in the year 666.M40, when the first recorded incident of a Necron ‘harvest’ took place in the Yuctan system close to the Eastern Fringes. Although sparsely inhabited, the system included an Imperial Naval depot. At the time of the attack the depot was being used by small Imperial squadron consisting of the Dauntless class light cruiser Farsight and half a dozen escort craft. Squadron Farsight was undertaking a long range patrol, and was visiting Yuctan to refuel and re-arm, when it received distress messages from an Imperial colony on the outlying planet of Merida. The squadron moved to intercept and took part in the first recorded encounter between Imperial battlecraft and a Necron fleet. Only one of the Imperial craft survived to tell the tale (the Cobra class destroyer ON37452). The Necrons suffered no losses. By the time a full Imperial fleet could be despatched to the Yuctan system the Necrons had disappeared. And of the human colonists in the system there was not a single trace…

Since then there have been a further 27 recorded encounters between Imperial Navy ship and Necron raiding fleets. There are also anecdotal accounts of space battles between the Necrons and Eldar, Ork and even Chaos space fleets.
~ BattleFleet Gothic, the Necrons Supplement

The Imperium's first recorded contact with Necron race occured at Sanctuary 101 in 897.M41, an isolated Adepta Sororitas convent on Eastern Rim.
~ Codex: Witch Hunters; Planetstrike and Codex: Necrons

+++++
In other words the 25th Founding was in response to the Necron activity, not against the Necrons itself.

I’m guessing at the time they didn’t know it was a Necron fleet but they still must have considered it a major threat and its activity must have been recorded. It probably was not until after 897.M41 that they put 2 and 2 together and thought that it must/could have been Necron activity. So in hindsight it would have been reasonable to suggest that the Necrons are one of the reasons for the 25th founding.
Thats the way I see it anyway

Edited by Banelord, 27 April 2011 - 11:08 AM.

[Walter Payton]

I have got a difficult diet of exams coming up, so I probably won't be able to offer more critique for a while, but I would advise giving each section its own skullheader.