((This is my first IA and it is a very rough draft, more of an outline really. I’m struggling to think of an original theme as everything I think of I find somewhere else . I hope to come up with an original story. Anyway, this is what I’ve got so far any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. ))
Welcome to the Liber.
Be forewarned - your IA might attract criticism, but all C&C is intended only to highlight errors and inconsistencies and allow you to improve your IA.
So, now the disclaimer's aside, on with the show!
Originality isn't everything, but you could always take a couple of ideas you like and combine them in a way you've not seen before.
The apex predator of Anatolia was a mysterious creature known by the locals as the “Dire Wolf”. It is said to be four times the size a man, to have a head of a wolf and body of a bear. The only time the marines encountered it was when a patrol, lead by Brother-Captain Canis, was ambushed. Canis lost an arm during the fight; he was only saved when the combined fire of the squad managed to drive it off. Brother-Captain Canis was so impressed by the deadly creature that he named his newly trained Marines after it as a mark of great respect.
The Captain loses an arm to a wolf, and names his Chapter after the wolf?
"Arrgh, that wolf bit my arm off! That's badass! I must name my chapter after it!"
It seems very, well, silly. You could just have big, nasty wolves on whichever planet he's been recruited from, and he could harken back to the memories of those deadly predators when naming his chapter.
Their training was to be cut short however, the “Dire Retribution” had received incoming urgent message from the local Hive World of Ankara. A Space hulk called the Messenger of Woe had just dropped out of the warp and was heading for the Planet. Initial scans had indicated a large infestation of Genestealers, but also that parts of the ship dated back to the Horus Heresy. The local Imperial Navy managed to divert its course but It was ordered by ((I don’t really know? Adeptus Mechamicus or local government?)) to be purged and investigated. Brother-Captain Canis decided this would be the perfect test for his marines and ordered the “Dire Retribution” to intercept. After a month of brutal close quarter fighting with bolters, flamers and Chain-swords, within the tight confines of the Hulk. The Dire Wolves emerged victorious and were well rewarded. They had gained precious combat experience but suffered 15% casualties, including Interrogator-Chaplain Lupus. Many relics were discovered deep among the ruins of the Hulk, but in a sealed section was found the ultimate prize. Twenty suits of Tactical Dreadnought Armour and a Dreadnought that dated back to the time of the Horus Heresy. These were claimed by the Chapter and were to form the foundation of their future DeathWing ((Might the change name to fit better)). It was soon decided that Brother-Captain Canis and the remaining “Angels of Vengeance” were to join the “Dire Wolves”. Canis became the new Grand Master but Chaplain Lupus had suffered grievous wounds during a fight with the Genestealer Patriarch. So it was that he had the honour of being interned in the chapter’s first dreadnought.
I don't really see what this section is here for.
It adds nothing except an implausibly ancient Dreadnought, which you don't really need.
Remember - the great and mighty deeds of your marines aren't important. Combat is only important for the consequences - and even then only if the battle changes the Chapter in some way.
Home world: WIP ((initially going to be a fleet based chapter but eventually finding a feral home world. An Archipelago made up of several warring kingdoms))
Organisation: WIP ((The same organisation as their fellow Unforgiven just with a few name changes.))
Combat Doctrine: WIP ((Like all marines they are well trained with all forms of combat but they seam to prefer and excel at close quarter combat. Space Hulks, urban combat, sieges anything that’s brings them up-close and personal with the enemy))
Likewise, sounds alright.
Provided the name changes in the Organisation aren't just changes for changes' sake - if you can come up with some sort of reason to adapt the names, then so much the better.
Beliefs: WIP ((They believe that’s it’s their duty to help search for the fallen but this is not their driving force like the dark angels. They believe the only way to absolve their shame is through the total destruction of the emperors enemies, especially traitors of all kinds, which they had developed a deep hatred for. Just the sight of a traitor sends them into a rage and refuses to stop fighting until they are defeated. They also believe that they have to constantly prove themselves, the tougher the enemy the better, both as a chapter and as individuals.))
Sounds like a good starting point.
All in all, not bad.But
, there's not much sense of personality in the Chapter.
Do they like any other Imperial Factions? Do they dislike any Imperial Factions?
You've got a hatred of traitors penned in - that can expand and form a strong central theme in the IA.
But, what are your marines like? Are they superstitious and feral at heart, with a pack mentality? Are they hyper-disciplined warriors that carry out their roles on the battlefield with dilligence to bring down numerically superior forces, likes a pack of wolves bringing down larger prey? Are they somewhere between the two, or something else entirely?
Just some things to mull over, hopefully it helps.
Bah, more typos.
Edited by Ace Debonair, 20 April 2011 - 03:09 PM.