Omega Striker Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 IA: Dragons of the Void "I hear the song of my brothers, xenos. Do you know what they sing? They sing of your death, and the death of your entire species!" Brother-Captain Wirnex Davinac, to the xenos farseer Ventorai Origins: In the closing years of the 34th millennium, the Dragons of the Void were formed. After initially supporting Imperial forces in the Agarial sector, they began crusading across the northeastern corner of the Ultima Segmentum, to explore and reclaim relics lost from a task force of the Great Crusade lost somewhere on the fringes. They venture far beyond the light of the astronomican, seeking lost knowledge and relics. They face the perils of warp travel with no beacon to guide them, they face the cunning and brutal xenos, and they fight traitors and corrupt officials wherever they find them. Long periods of time have been spent without contact with the Imperium proper. Many had wondered if the Chapter met their doom out in the black void, only for the Chapter to arrive once again in the Imperium to pay it's tithes every 500 years. They have not faltered in their duty, and continue to find and bring back relics long thought lost to mankind. They serve honorably, but they are not the Emperor's most successful sons. They have won, they have lost, they have searched and found, been chased back into the Imperium, and set out again into the untraceable void. They are not cowards, for no coward would go where they go. They are not fools, for no fool would survive where they survive. They are not immortal, for an immortal would not die where they have died. Alright, this is much more epic. Got the feel of the chapter done pretty well, explained the basic mission and goals. Special thanks goes to Octavulg, for his invaluable assistance. Geneseed and Bio-mechanical Augmentation: The Dragons of the Void are of Salamanders Gene-seed, and share their gift of technology. The geneseed tithes have remained constant, one delivery five centuries, for the chapter's history. The geneseed brings with it the regular Salamander skin mutations, but in the controlled environment of the Chapter fleet, there are no contaminants to drive the change that is prominent of their parent chapter. The skin of their initiates does become paler, but this is caused by their lack of exposure to true sunlight, instead being exposed to interior lights of their ships. No other mutations have been noted in the Chapter's history. In their chapter's endless crusade on the edge of the galaxy, space marines are precious and good recruits are few and far between. This means all the more effort is spent on preserving the life of a battle brother, and returning him to active duty as soon as possible. This has pushed the chapter apothecaries to become masters of augmentation, as there are few dreadnaughts on the north-eastern fringes of the galaxy. Over the millenia, the art of augmentation has become a small part of the chapter cult as well, and now the apothecaries have developed the newest and best augmentations, able to surpass even the changes wrought by the geneseed and enhancement organs developed for space marines so long ago. This has become such a central part of the chapter, indeed it is true that every battle brother has some degree of augmentation, and some of the chapter elders have little flesh left in their bodies. This augmentation process renders the implantation organs useless, and so they are removed, one by one, and given to new initiates to begin the enhancement process that prepares their body for augmentations that would kill a normal man. Basic blurb on geneseed and how augmentation eventually replaces most of the body. Is this good? Any questions? Home Fleet: The Home Fleet of the Dragons of the Void is truly that: their home. Wherever they go, they bring their fleet with them. It is their chapel, where they worship their Emperor. It is their homeworld, where they train and recruit. It is their weapon, which they use to slaughter all who threaten their mission. Their fleet is the armor that protects them from the cold hunger of space and the hot wrath of mankind's enemies. With these ships, they travel the stars and slay their enemies. Over the millenia, the Chapter Fleet has grown with the addition of numerous ships recovered from the disaster that was the 55th Task Force of the Great Crusade. The former battlefields hold many relics, and the Chapter searches these lost graveyards out and reclaims the tools of war. Much knowledge has been lost, and these ancient weapons are more fierce than the ones made since the Emperor's Ascension. Although many of the ancient ships were completely destroyed or lost, several have been found intact, especially towards the end of the Task Force's crusade when the crews began to starve and the ships were hidden on dead worlds so that the Imperium could find them again. It is these ancient vessels that are the backbone of the Dragons' fleet. Many of these ships have secrets, places hidden even from their original masters, systems that have no known purpose. There are records of ancient history that have taught the Dragons much about the state of the Imperium during the Great Crusades and the Horus Heresy. Few there are now that remember the glory days of the Imeprium, but the dragons count themselves among those who do. The total size of the fleet is kept from all outside the Chapter. Not knowing how many vessels they will have to fight has doomed many a xenos and traitor. Those who assume that the fleet is a standard Astartes fleet assume so at their own folly. The Dragons keep this information from everyone, so that even those whom they tenuously deem as allies are unsure of the true strength of the Chapter Fleet. During deployment, they are careful to keep the number of ships in imperial space to the appropriate levels, lest those in power find out the Dragons exceed the bounds set on Astartes so long ago. The Chapter elders know that if they had followed the rules set by Guilliman they would have been destroyed several times in the chapter's history. Only by carefully testing and practice can they exceed these bounds. Combat Doctrine: When the Dragons of the Void leave their fleet behind and descend to fight the enemies of man on foot or on tread, they do so with great fervor. There first love is sending the Emperor's enemies to their end in the cold, just grip of the vacuum of space. However, they have had to make planet-fall regularly, and boarding actions provide plenty of soldiering opportunity. Their tactics center around overpowering ranged warfare, but they are no strangers to close combat. The Vanguard Veterans and Terminators of the first company have a great deal of experience boarding space hulks and the like, and their deadly efficiency is only enhanced by their augmentations. Having had to fend for themselves on the edges of the galaxy, they have learned to be self-sufficient, and how to replicate the Mars-pattern weapons they were given more than six thousand years ago. Some of the best techmarines in the chapter have almost learned how to duplicate the ancient technology they have found in their travels. These weapons form the core of their armory, and the tools of war they were given so long ago have been lovingly cared for, mended, and used, resulting in many ancient and honorable devices. This adds to their already augmented bodies, and the coolant systems in their bodies can be enlarged to handle the additional heat generated by various heavy weapons. Digital weapons are easily incorporated into their bodies, and other hidden weapons, like combat blades, are made retractable and kept hidden until an enemy foolish enough to attack them directly gets close. Their bodies, streamlined by the augmentation process, have room for additional ammunition, grenades, and other surprises one would not expect from those who still have most of their organs. When deployed, a company will not venture to far from their bothers. Too many times in the chapter's history has an inferior foe tricked the Dragons into dividing their forces, only to ambush the individual detachments with a force that, had the dragons been together, would have been negligible. This has made the company cautious and purposeful. They do not chase after shadows, but carefully employ the best means of defeating their enemies. Thousands of years of cautious warfare has kept the Dragons safer in a hostile corner of a hostile galaxy. Combat doctrine: fairly standard stuff, removed the bling. Any questions? Organization: The Dragons of the Void originally tried to follow the guidelines set by Guilliman so long ago in the Codex Astartes, but over the millenia the need has arisen to modify many of his tactics. Company organization has been shrunk to 50 combat men apiece, and the companies are allowed to specialize in ways they see fit. Each company uses wargear passed down to them from their predecessors in the company. The first company is composed the chapter command, in charge of facilitating the actions of the whole chapter. Not a true battle company, it is instead composed of those who bear responsibility for keeping the Chapter whole and intact on the edge of the galaxy. The next three companies are the veteran companies, the truly elite, those who have had the most augmentation, and whose battle experience covers hundreds of years. They are charged with the destruction of the Chapter's greatest foes, and specialize accordingly. There are six battle companies, two advanced recon companies, and three training companies. In this way the chapter has operated for thousands of years, and they continue to refine their deployments. Many battle brothers opt not to participate in the Chapter companies, instead wishing to be deployed as part of the fleet. Such marines may swap bolter and chainsword for command throne and weapons batteries. The Ark of Purpose requires a cluster of six controllers, each with a specialized task, to pilot and fight effectively. Each vessel has a security company, fashioned from chapter serfs after the mold of the Chapter, and led by a space marine dedicated to keeping the vessel safe. On board the hive ships, marines train their serfs much like a planetary defense force, and have produced a small private army to defend their fleet from within. The youths among the families of serfs are constantly checked by chapter apothecaries, checking for mutation and geneseed compatibility. The average serf on board the hive ships is checked for military skill, weapons proficiency, and leadership ability, to lead and serve in the Chapter fleet itself. Others are conscripted to work on board the forge ship, running machines under the careful watch of the chapter's master of the forge. Other positions are filled by servitors, criminals who have been pulled from the chapter breeding program and mind-wiped to give service in a more regulated way. Nothing is wasted among the ships of the fleet, and everyone has a purpose. Beliefs and the Chapter Cult: The Fall of the 6th The darkest days of the Chapter come in the 36th millennium, although the exact date has been expunged from chapter records. In these days, the chapter companies competed for honors and glory amongst themselves. This led to great pride and rivalries. Each company was seeking to be the best, and that's when the first deals were made with the dark gods. Everyone was surprised when the 6th company, never a standout, started to out do even the first company. When an investigation was made, it was found that they had made dark pacts for additional might. This was horrifying to the Chapter, but before they could be punished, the 6th company had fled with several ships of the fleet. The chapter elders believed that the inter-company competition was at fault. The honors and accolades were summarily purged, and the Master of Sanctity charged with seeing to it that nothing like this ever happened again. The northeastern edge of the galaxy is a harsh mistress. The price the chapter has paid for their freedoms has cost them dearly. The chapter cult, and the chapter serfs as well, have been isolated from the Imperium for long stretches of time. Surrounded by cunning enemies and incompetent allies, the Dragons have come to prefer doing things by themselves. This has allowed the Dragons to become both isolationist and secretive, but this puts incredible pressure to perform on the chapter. In the thousands of years of fighting, the Dragons have learned terrible lessons in how to wage war effectively alone. Gone are the war cries of past Dragons, buried under the current belief that yelling does not kill your enemies. Gone are the banners, personal heraldry, and company honors that led their brothers down the path of heresy and chaos. Even the mechanical tenets of the machine god, held resolute and unchangeable by the first Dragons, have been trimmed and streamlined in the never-ending search for the most efficient and perfect killing machine. Abandoning these things has made the Chapter cool and logical,and they have their anger and rage tightly controlled. Among the chapter serfs, another cult has grown up, albeit under the close scrutiny of the Master of Sanctity and his Chaplains. They are ritually tattooed with the crest of the chapter upon birth, and spend a lifetime in service to those who have given them shelter from the harshness of the galaxy. They do not worship the Dragons, but they venerate the Emperor of Mankind, who has tasked them with purging the galaxy alongside his servants, the space marines. The whole population of Chapter serfs is put to work, and they serve the chapter in menial but essential ways. They man the gun gangs and the maintenance crews and the munitorum line and they make sure every vessel is clean and orderly. Among the women, it is the greatest joy to give birth to a boy who has the correct genetic indicators for geneseed compatibility. When such a son is born, the father and mother are placed in the chapter breeding program, to ensure the propagation of the genes essential to the Chapter's survival. Although the apothecaries have become masters at augmentation, they are not gods, to chose who will live and who will die. Replacement recruits are needed regularly, and the chapter serfs are the only source the Dragons have. Special care is taken to ensure the serfs do not pollute the future of the Chapter. The chapter serfs hold a big part in the story of the chapter, so I included them here. Is that enough? Battle Cry: Although battle cries are common among space marine chapters, the Dragons of the Void have spent thousands of years not being within shouting distance of their enemies. Instead of shouting, the Dragons will just shoot them, and disabuse their enemies of their lives. Each Dragon is a vessel of duty, and with the emphasis of piety, no Dragon would shout their name, or proclaim some feat as great or worthy. They do their duty, quietly and effectively. But that does not mean nothing happens when the Dragons are on the battlefield. Though not actually audible, the unity signal resonates on a Dragon's implanted skeletal frame. Only the chapter's battle brothers can hear the "song" of battle. When a company fights together, the emotional waves begin to resemble a prayer or hymn as understood by the Ecclisiarchy, and when the whole chapter deploys, the song is a great inspiration to the Dragons, and it is the greatest sign of their unity. It is not words, but emotional cheers when enemies are slain, anger when an enemy is spotted, and pain and wrath when a brother falls. The unity music inspires battle brothers, and it is in full keeping with their belief that only a fellow Dragon can be truly trusted. Battle cry, is it good enough? Anything I need to fix? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
voi shet magir Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 The name has that verging-on-corny quality that chapter names are supposed to have and that can almost carry the thing by itself. The battle cry is also a cool concept and you should find some descriptive language for that. All the numbers and colons have to go, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Nephilim Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 Dragons of the Void is awfully close to the Void Dragons. Void Dragon Phoenix are variants of Phoenix Eldar flyers in use by a group of corsairs calling themselves the "Void Dragons". They differ from their parent model with their space-flight capabilities and the replacement of the fuselage Pulse Laser for twin-linked Starcannons. The Void Dragons corsairs are known to lend their service to Craftworld Eldar and Dark Eldar alike. Both variants of the Phoenix are capable of seemingly impossible maneuvers, and are equipped with strong Holo-fields, which together produce an effect comparable to the massive Holo-fields mounted on the Revenant Titan. -Imperial Armour: Apocalypse, or more conveniently, 40k Lexicanum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omega Striker Posted May 12, 2011 Author Share Posted May 12, 2011 Okay, everything is as good as I can get it on my own. Now, I need C&C. I have the questions italicized beneath each section, so if you could answer those for me, as well as ask any questions you think need to be asked. Thanks a ton in advance, and thanks to all who have gotten me this far! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madwolf Shadowmane Posted May 12, 2011 Share Posted May 12, 2011 What's the downside to the superskeleton and the Unity signal? Are they slower due to artificial joints? Does the entire Chapter feel the death of a single battle brother? Madwolf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omega Striker Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 Hmmmm....good point, Madwolf. Yes, each battle brother feels the intense pain of another brother's death. It also drives them up a wall, and replace 'drives them up a wall' with 'makes them want to kill everything'. I am editing the IA to suit. Check the geneseed and augmentation section. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaj Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Can't promise I'll give you any real help but I will give my thoughts, so feel free to ignore them. "Touch that relic again, zenos, and I will weld your skull to my shoulder pad and your remains will be a trophy for my brothers for all the ages to come!" Brother-Captain Wirnex Davinac, to the xenos trying to steal the Dark Age relic known as the Light of the Omnissiah Having read the IA I can't help but think this does not bring anything to it. As a stand alone quote its absolutely fine but I would write a new one that links in better with the IA. "I hear the song of my brothers, xenos, do you know what they sing? they sing of your death and the death of your species" I would write something along those lines as to me it draws in the reader and starts making them ask questions. In the closing years of the 34th millennium, there was a founding of space marine chapters. There were several chapters grown, recruited, trained, armed, and sent out to ensure the Emperor of Mankind's dominion of the stars. One of these was the Dragons of the Void. Initially formed for heavy support of Imperial forces in the Agarial sector, they instead retained their sizable fleet and began crusading around the northeastern corner of Segmentum Ultima, seeking to return that corner of the galaxy to Imperial control and slaying any xenos, heretic, or traitor that tried to stop them. There campaign to bring order to a wild and frontier place has never ended, because the enemies of man are numerous, and their allies few. Many threats come from outside mankind. The alien Eldar continually seek to stave off their inevitable demise. The Orks are an infestation that refuses to even die with dignity. And the last, the worst enemies are those that were once their friends. Former leaders and obedient citizens have left he Emperor's protection and sought refuge in the arms of the Dark Gods. Among them are Guard regiments, common citizens, and most horribly a whole company of their own Astartes who have fallen prey to the whispers of Chaos. Among these enemies the Dragons of the Void fight alone, not trusting any of the other Imperial forces. Not wanting to sound harsh but I was bored reading this part. Don't get me wrong it's got potential but we don't need to know about the plight of the Eldar or the fact that the orcs are akin to a plague of war and death. Nor to we need to know that even imperial forces can turn traitor but I personally would like to know more about the origins of the Dragons of the Void and not basic facts about the 40K background. Among the most central of the Chapter's current augmentations is an accidental one. When an initiate is promoted to battle brother, his skeletal structure is replaced with a special metal, forged to very specific densities. This not only functions as a new, enhanced skeleton, but adds a large-scale vox antenna to the space marine's body. It functions as the receiver for the chapter's coms system. But this is not all. The first few battle brothers to request a total skeletal replacement noticed that they could feel the emotions and moods of other battle brothers who had a similar treatment. They could empathically communicate. This provided an advantage in combat, as the emotions that came with excitement, anger, and victory were amplified through the marines, granting them immense bonding experiences and battlefield awareness that was not vulnerable to vox jamming. At first, the process was voluntary, but as more and more augmentation was sought for various inter-company competition, more and more asked for this specific augment. Each company eventually settled on their own 'recipe' for the augment, and after a certain incident, the whole chapter was changed to the same frequency. This 'unity signal' is one of the central features of the chapter, forming an incredibly strong bond between the battle brothers. It is this bond that gives the chapter an extra edge in combat, and an especially close eye on each other. Chapter techmarines have not been able to figure out why this is, or duplicate it in anything but a battle brother fully adjusted to their geneseed and implants. It remains a mystery, but a useful one none the less. Now I'm interested! first of if I were to ever face these guys I shall bring magnets lots of magnets!! second the questions I want to see answered have all ready been posed by Madwolf Shadowmane so I look forward to reading your responce. Edit - you answered them whilst I was posting! I like how you've explained it and it goes some way to addressing my concerns about there cautious nature. The Home Fleet, or Fleet Adeptus of the Dragons of the Void may be the largest chapter fleet of any chapter in the Imperium, but will absolutely win out in a contest of effectiveness. In the millennia following their first posting, they have become masters of naval-grade deployment. They may have almost as many ships as a full Imperial fleet, and they are all the more dangerous for this in skill and craftsmanship. Their ships are frequently more maneuverable and are better piloted and gunned, making the Dragons' fleet extremely effective. Six thousand years of naval battle against both cunning Eldar, butchering Chaos forces, blunt Ork assaults, and pirates human and otherwise have given the Chapter a wide variety of naval experience, that the Dragons do not fail to exploit against any they deem unworthy of existing in the Emperor's galaxy. I think many a fleet admiral (human, astartes or alien) would disagree with that statement. I would suggest you re-word this to perhaps say that a single ship crewed by the Dragons of the Void and/or there serfs is worth two or three of an enemies. I would also reduce the fleet down significantly to put them on par with other chapters and give them a more elite feel. Other than that I can't find any major faults with this part. Having had to fend for themselves on the edges of the galaxy, they have learned to be self-sufficient, and how to replicate the Mars-pattern weapons they were given more than six thousand years ago. Some of the best techmarines in the chapter have almost learned how to duplicate the ancient technology they have found in their travels. These weapons form the core of their armory, and the tools of war they were given so long ago have been lovingly cared for, mended, and used, resulting in many ancient and honorable devices. This adds to their already augmented bodies, and the coolant systems in their bodies can be enlarged to handle the additional heat generated by various heavy weapons. Digital weapons are easily incorporated into their bodies, and other hidden weapons, like combat blades, are made retractable and kept hidden until an enemy foolish enough to attack them directly gets close. Their bodies, streamlined by the augmentation process, have room for additional ammunition, grenades, and other surprises one would not expect from those who still have most of their organs. You sir, are a heretic for daring to go against the will of the ominssiah! - I like it! When deployed, a company will not venture to far from their bothers. Too many times in the chapter's history has an inferior foe tricked the Dragons into dividing their forces, only to ambush the individual detachments with a force that, had the dragons been together, would have been negligible. This has made the company cautious and purposeful. They do not chase after shadows, but direct large amounts of artillery and other ordinance after their enemies, only closing when the enemy appears defeated. Even then, the Dragons do not come too close, lest the bodies of their slain enemies be loaded with explosives in a last, desperate attempt to harm the marines. Thousands of years of cautious warfare has kept the Dragons safer in a hostile corner of the hostile galaxy. I think (I could be wrong) but most loyal chapters only have whirlwinds for mid-ranged artillery support. So where does your chapter get theres from? or do they just have an excessive amount of whirlwinds? Also I fail to see why they would be afraid to engage with the enemy at close quarters given there 'improvements' to marine biology and cautious marines? marines are superhuman warriors that, in my opinion, should never be anything close to cautious. The Dragons of the Void have tried to follow the Codex Astartes laid down by Guilliman so long ago. Company organization has been shrunk to 50 combat men apiece, and the companies are allowed to specialize in ways they see fit. Each company uses wargear passed down to them from their predecessors in the company. The first company is composed the chapter command, in charge of facilitating the actions of the whole chapter. Not a true battle company, it is instead composed of The next three companies are the veteran companies, the truly elite, those who have had the most augmentation, and whose battle experience covers hundreds of years. Each of the veteran companies specializes in destruction of a different enemy. The second trains to slay the mighty enemies of the chapter, such as traitor marines, and the heaviest of enemy monsters. The third specializes in destruction of hordes of enemies, such as ork mobs and lately, Tyranid swarms. The third is the veteran pilots of the Chapter armory, bringing the heavy vehicles, notably their Land raiders and predators. There are six battle companies, each of which takes a less focused approach to killing. There are two advanced recon companies, specializing in stealth and ambush tactics. Lastly, there are the three training companies, larger than standard companies, although they are never deployed in whole. Without the skeletal augments that make them easy to find by their brothers, they are added to the battle companies as attached units, and study the ways of war under the tutelage of their veteran sergeants. In this way the chapter has operated for thousands of years, and they continue to refine their deployments. Why are these veteran companies so specialized? I think you could expand on this more. Does the chapter always fight as one or does each task force select marines from each company that suit the nature of the enemy? They put the Emperor's charge to be the destroyers of mankind's enemies first and foremost. All else is secondary. Anything that takes away from their first duty is a heresy, and demands to be expunged. All the augmentation, all the training, all the wargear, all the Chapter is given to obeying the First Duty. The augmentations Dragons receive are to enhance their killing power. This appears to clash with the last part of your combat doctrine. Overall I'd say you've made a decent start but it does need some improvement. hope that helped a bit! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omega Striker Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 Can't promise I'll give you any real help but I will give my thoughts, so feel free to ignore them. "Touch that relic again, zenos, and I will weld your skull to my shoulder pad and your remains will be a trophy for my brothers for all the ages to come!" Brother-Captain Wirnex Davinac, to the xenos trying to steal the Dark Age relic known as the Light of the Omnissiah Having read the IA I can't help but think this does not bring anything to it. As a stand alone quote its absolutely fine but I would write a new one that links in better with the IA. "I hear the song of my brothers, xenos, do you know what they sing? they sing of your death and the death of your species" STOLEN! And quite possibly SIGGED! Thanks, Yaj. I was looking for another quote. The one I have fits with the old fluff pretty well, but this new one rocks space marine socks off. While they are still wearing their powered boots. I will get to work on the other ideas as I have time. Thanks a ton, brother! EDIT: I think (I could be wrong) but most loyal chapters only have whirlwinds for mid-ranged artillery support. So where does your chapter get theres from? or do they just have an excessive amount of whirlwinds? Also I fail to see why they would be afraid to engage with the enemy at close quarters given there 'improvements' to marine biology and cautious marines? marines are superhuman warriors that, in my opinion, should never be anything close to cautious. Hmmm..... Actually, they found a Land Raider relic similar in design to the Land Raider Helios. It has since been replicated. This provides the chapter with plenty of artillery, mostly because the Chapter violates the Omnissiah's command to not replicate or whatever. Although 8 of these doesn't sound serious, it is serious business. Now, to find where to put that in the IA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaj Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Note to self - Never give them your best quotes, they'll only nick them. -------------------------------------------------------- You are welcome to it but I want credit. I look forward to reading it when it's done. Glory to the Emperor! may the song of battle lead you to many a victory. Edit - I wondered what a Land Raider Helios was - now I know, thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soddinnutter Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 It's all so awesome. The character of the chapter feels like the Hammer. Big, hard, capable of ungodly damage and completely devoid of any distractions or deviations from its purpose. Only thing i can say is to reduce the size of the fleet a little. Not the awesomeness of it but just the sheer number of vessels. If any chapter has a fleet that size it's the Black Tempelars and they only get away with it because they are special. Perhaps you could say something like 'By the standards of their brother Chapters the armada of the Dragons is considered quite impressive'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omega Striker Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Thanks for the props, Soddy. I have updated just a few tidbits and grammar stuff throughout the IA, and added a Chapter Secrets section. Let me know what I need to change or keep the same. Also, I need some inspiration for my Origins section. Right now I am leaning towards an epic battle story, but that's been done before. How do I say "origins" without saying "the high lords of terra said 'MAKE MOAR SPESS MEHRINES!"? C&C appreciated guys, and I am almost almost almost done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Forcystus Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Also, I need some inspiration for my Origins section. Right now I am leaning towards an epic battle story, but that's been done before. How do I say "origins" without saying "the high lords of terra said 'MAKE MOAR SPESS MEHRINES!"? What I did was sort of describe the purpose of the founding essentially saying specifically where and why the High Lords of Terra needed more Space Marines after that I did a short little blurb about their predecessor chapter. It still was relatively short but said what it needed to say since the origins section doesnt need to be gargantuan in size with all other details being laid out elsewhere Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Had you considered Void Dragons? Shorter, rolls off the tongue, means the same thing. Under Inquisitorial review for 'so boring it's heresy' Don't worry. I can fix it, because I'm awesome. ;) "In the closing years of the 34th millennium, the Dragons of the Void were formed. After initially supporting Imperial forces in the Agarial sector, they began crusading across the northeastern corner of the Ultima Segmentum, and their campaign to bring order to a wild and frontier place has never ended. The alien Eldar continually seek to stave off their inevitable demise by destroying the worlds of Man. The Orks are an infestation that refuses to even die with dignity. The worst enemies are those that were once their allies - former leaders and obedient citizens have left the Emperor's protection and sought refuge in the arms of the Dark Gods. Amongst these enemies the Dragons of the Void fight alone, not trusting any of the other Imperial forces." Geneseed and Bio-mechanical Augmentation: As always, I recommend a conventional format for presenting the sections. Who their daddy was really isn't that important. Basic blurb on geneseed and how augmentation eventually replaces most of the body, along with a brief explanation of the Unity. Is this good? Any questions? Why is it so damn long? Something like this seems to have the same info, but be a lot shorter: "The Dragons of the Void are of Salamanders Gene-seed, and share their progenitor's gift of technology. Though they share the Salamanders' skin mutations, the controlled environment of the Chapter fleet has no contaminants to drive the change that is so prominent in their parent chapter. In their chapter's endless crusade on the edge of the galaxy, recruits are precious. Much effort is spent on preserving the life of a battle brother which has pushed chapter apothecaries to become masters of augmentation. Over the millenia, these arts have become a small part of the chapter cult - most battle brothers have some degree of augmentation, and some chapter elders are little more than metal. " I took out a few bits that didn't seem to make much sense - they could take the geneseed out when they augment the guys, for one. That does bring me to this bit, though: Among the most central of the Chapter's current augmentations is an accidental one. When an initiate is promoted to battle brother, his skeletal structure is replaced with a special metal, forged to very specific densities. This not only functions as a new, enhanced skeleton, but adds a large-scale vox antenna to the space marine's body. It functions as the receiver for the chapter's coms system. But this is not all. The first few battle brothers to request a total skeletal replacement noticed that they could feel the emotions and moods of other battle brothers who had a similar treatment. They could empathically communicate. This provided an advantage in combat, as the emotions that came with excitement, anger, and victory were amplified through the marines, granting them immense bonding experiences and battlefield awareness that was not vulnerable to vox jamming. At first, the process was voluntary, but as more and more augmentation was sought for various inter-company competition, more and more asked for this specific augment. Each company eventually settled on their own 'recipe' for the augment, and after a certain incident, the whole chapter was changed to the same frequency. This 'unity signal' is one of the central features of the chapter, forming an incredibly strong bond between the battle brothers. It bonds squads closely together while alive, and when one of the battle brothers dies in combat, his death pains echo across the unity and each battle brother left fights all the harder to avenge their fallen brothers. If enough battle brothers die in combat, the rage that overtakes the chapter can push them to fight and kill anything that moves. This drawback is one of the reasons the Dragons are so cautious in battle, always planning and deploying where they will be most effective and least likely to trigger the rage. It is this bond that gives the chapter an extra edge in combat, and an especially close eye on each other. Chapter techmarines have not been able to figure out why this is, or duplicate it in anything but a battle brother fully adjusted to their geneseed and implants. It remains a mystery, but a useful one none the less. To which my reaction is: WHAT? 1) This sounds impossible (how do you replace someone's skeleton? It's important, for one thing). 2) It sounds ridiculous (they replace their skeletons with funny metal and it lets them read each other's minds?). 3) What the hell does it really add to their character? If you really want the whole empath idea, I'd recommend making them Cursed Founding. The Home Fleet, or Fleet Adeptus of the Dragons of the Void may be the largest chapter fleet of any chapter in the Imperium, but few will compare is a measure of effectiveness. In the millennia following their first posting, they have become masters of naval-grade deployment. They may have almost as many ships as a full Imperial fleet, and they are all the more dangerous for this in skill and craftsmanship. Their ships are, with a few exceptions, more maneuverable and are better piloted and gunned than other Imperial or Astartes fleets, making the Dragons' fleet extremely effective. Six thousand years of naval battle against both cunning Eldar, butchering Chaos forces, blunt Ork assaults, and pirates human and otherwise have given the Chapter a wide variety of naval experience, that the Dragons do not fail to exploit against any they deem unworthy of existing in the Emperor's galaxy. So where'd they get them all? Shipyards are hard to come by. Plus, the Inquisition rather frowns on powerful Space Marine Chapters - and big fleets are definitely that. This is especially important for their unique ships and grand cruisers? Also, having all their stuff be better than everyone else? Really? Tsk tsk. Tone it down a little. Oh, and in regard to the fleet population - don't forget that even small 40K ships can accomodate tens of thousands. Okay, blurb on the chapter fleet. Is there too much mary sue here? I want the chapter to be, say, in the 120% range for number of normally allowed ships for a fleet based chapter, and in the 95-100% for skill and effectiveness. Is that possible in the current fluff? Let me know. Yes. I think you're way too high on ship numbers (compare the Ultramarines in C:SM 3e, for example - they have an entire eight systems and a shipyard and they would have way less than you seem to). Pull it back a bit, I think. When the Dragons of the Void leave their fleet behind and descend to fight the enemies of man on foot or on tread, they do so with reluctance. There first love is sending the Emperor's enemies to their end in the cold, just grip of the vacuum of space. However, they have had to make planetfall regularly, and boarding actions provide plenty of soldiering opportunity. Their tactics center around overpowering ranged warfare. The chapter has found a few lost relics in their millenia of searching. Some have been turned over to the Mechanicus, but others the chapter has kept for themselves. Among these relics are areotech plasma weapons, which have been duplicated by the chapter's techno-wizards. Another Chapter relic is a land raider crusader variant, lovingly cared for by the chapter armory. There are also several salvaged sets of ancient armor, weapons, and ships found in wreckage and returned to the Emperor's service. Boarding actions = overwhelming ranged warfare? Tone down the relics, by the way. Too many relics. Too much special. Character, not stuff, dude. When deployed, a company will not venture to far from their bothers. Too many times in the chapter's history has an inferior foe tricked the Dragons into dividing their forces, only to ambush the individual detachments with a force that, had the dragons been together, would have been negligible. This has made the company cautious and purposeful. They do not chase after shadows, but direct large amounts of artillery and other ordinance from their specialized land raiders after their enemies, only closing when the enemy appears defeated. Even then, the Dragons do not come too close, lest the bodies of their slain enemies be loaded with explosives in a last, desperate attempt to harm the marines. Thousands of years of cautious warfare has kept the Dragons safer in a hostile corner of the hostile galaxy. This bit I rather like. Interesting. Unique. Characterful. Less toys, more of this sort of thing. The Dragons of the Void have tried to follow the Codex Astartes laid down by Guilliman so long ago. Company organization has been shrunk to 50 combat men apiece, and the companies are allowed to specialize in ways they see fit. Each company uses wargear passed down to them from their predecessors in the company. The first company is composed the chapter command, in charge of facilitating the actions of the whole chapter. Not a true battle company, it is instead composed of The next three companies are the veteran companies, the truly elite, those who have had the most augmentation, and whose battle experience covers hundreds of years. Each of the veteran companies specializes in destruction of a different enemy. The second trains to slay the mighty enemies of the chapter, such as traitor marines, and the heaviest of enemy monsters. The third specializes in destruction of hordes of enemies, such as ork mobs and lately, Tyranid swarms. The third is the veteran pilots of the Chapter armory, bringing the heavy vehicles, notably their Land raiders and predators. There are six battle companies, each of which takes a less focused approach to killing. There are two advanced recon companies, specializing in stealth and ambush tactics. Lastly, there are the three training companies, larger than standard companies, although they are never deployed in whole. Without the skeletal augments that make them easy to find by their brothers, they are added to the battle companies as attached units, and study the ways of war under the tutelage of their veteran sergeants. In this way the chapter has operated for thousands of years, and they continue to refine their deployments. Why? What's wrong with Battle Companies? How are they trying to follow the organization if they've diverged from it so much? Some battle brothers opt not to participate in the Chapter companies, instead wishing to be deployed as part of the fleet. Such marines swap bolter and chainsword for command throne and weapons batteries. The Ark of Purpose requires a cluster of six controllers, each with a specialized task, to pilot and fight effectively. Each vessel has a security company, fashioned after the mold of the Chapter, and led by a space marine dedicated to keeping the vessel safe. On board the hive ships, marines train their serfs much like a planetary defense force, and have produced a small private army to defend their fleet from within. The youths among the families of serfs are constantly checked by chapter apothecaries, checking for mutation and geneseed compatibility. The average serf on board the hive ships is checked for military skill, weapons proficiency, or leadership ability, to lead and serve in the Chapter fleet itself. Others are conscripted to work on board the forge ship, running machines under the careful watch of the chapter's master of the forge. Other positions are filled by servitors, criminals who have been pulled from the chapter breeding program and mind-wiped to give service in a more regulated way. Nothing is wasted among the ships of the fleet, and everyone has a purpose. Interesting enough. "On the edge of the galaxy, no one can hear you weep at your fate."Master of Sanctity Abilla Ducreen Either do a quote for every section, or don't do any. Having a few just throws people, IMO. If you're having trouble coming up with quotes, add snarkiness. :lol: The northeastern edge of the galaxy is a harsh mistress. The price the chapter has paid for their freedoms has cost them dearly. The chapter cult, and the chapter serfs as well, have been isolated from the Imperium for long stretches of time. Surrounded by cunning enemies and incompetent allies, the Dragons have come to prefer doing things by themselves. This has allowed the Dragons to become both isolationist and secretive. This puts incredible pressure to perform on the chapter, and pushes them to their highest achievements and greatest failure. In the thousands of years of fighting, the Dragons have learned terrible lessons in how to wage war effectively alone. Gone are the war cries of past Dragons, buried under the belief that if you are yelling at your enemy, you are not using all your effort at killing them. Gone are the banners, personal heraldry, and company honors that led their brothers down the path of heresy and chaos. Even the mechanical tenets of the machine god, held resolute and unchangeable by the first Dragons, have been trimmed and streamlined in the never-ending search for the most efficient and perfect killing machine. Abandoning these things has made the Chapter cool and logical, their anger and rage tightly controlled and harnessed. Led which brothers down the path of heresy and chaos, exactly? [Later note: OK. Don't talk about things before they're introduced] An obvious explanation for most of the losses is simple lack of supplies - they can't afford luxury, and eventually those honors came to be seen as such. Might be worth keeping company icons or something, though. I have a hard time seeing Marines abandon that. They put the Emperor's charge to be the destroyers of mankind's enemies first and foremost. All else is secondary. Anything that takes away from their first duty is a heresy, and demands to be expunged. All the augmentation, all the training, all the wargear, all the Chapter is given to obeying the First Duty. The augmentations Dragons receive are to enhance their killing power. The most heavily augmented, the veterans of the first company, can fight for days, never needing to eat, sleep, breathe, or reload. Their duty as destroyers comes before even their personal needs. Their pride, their honor, their glory as space marines are cast aside in order to kill and kill and kill. Eh. Gilding the lily, I think. The darkest days of the Chapter come in the 36th millennium, although the exact date has been expunged from chapter records. In these days, the chapter companies competed for honors and glory amongst themselves. Glories were distributed for marksmanship, kills, speed, and hundreds of other displays of prowess. The chapter foundries were busier producing honorary awards than actual wargear. It was in these days that one company split from the chapter, and left the worship of the Emperor for the lusts of Slanesh and the machinations of Tzentch. In these times, the Astartes truly lusted after honor, seeking it more than their first duty. They wanted more and more, and the chapter command could not keep up with the demand. Many companies began to chafe at the number of awards other companies had, even the veteran first company had sought more honor than duty. It was then that several brethren began to change their skeletal augments, changing the frequency on which they felt. They isolated themselves from their chapter, seeking to leave behind the weaknesses they saw in their brothers. Their pride, and their lust for glory, drove them to make demonic pacts, and taint themselves so they could be faster, stronger, more deadly. When their deeds were discovered, the Chapter was shocked, but the retribution was not swift enough. The heretics, 77 in all, escaped the Chapter's decree of death, and took three ships of the fleet with them. This was a devastating blow to the chapter, and many wondered how they could desire demonic aid over the Emperor's sure protection. The chapter's glories were seen to be at fault, bringing their minds, bodies, and time away from the First Duty, and so they were summarily purged. The banners, the awards, the laurels, the honorary wargear, the special privileges, and everything else that went with the inter-company competition was destroyed. From then on, all were seen as equals, and the Chaplains of the chapter were forever scrutinous in their search for anything that detracted from the First Duty. It was the last time any Dragon of the Void would fall to chaos. Unnecessary, IMO. You could have the results of this grow naturally out of their isolation. Among the chapter serfs, another cult has grown up, albeit under the close scrutiny of the Master of Sanctity and his Chaplains. They are ritually tattooed with the crest of the chapter upon birth, and spend a lifetime in service to those who have given them shelter from the harshness of the galaxy. They do not worship the Dragons, but they venerate the Emperor of Mankind, who has tasked them with purging the galaxy alongside his servants, the space marines. They serve the chapter in menial but essential ways, providing the labor for the fleet to remain at full readiness at all times. They man the gun gangs and the maintenance crews and the munitorum line and they make sure every vessel is clean and orderly. Among the women, it is the greatest joy to give birth to a boy who has the correct genetic indicators for geneseed compatibility. When such a son is born, the father and mother are placed in the chapter breeding program, to ensure the propagation of the genes essential to the Chapter's survival. Although the apothecaries have become masters at augmentation, they are not gods, to chose who will live and who will die. Replacement recruits are needed regularly, and the chapter serfs are the only source the Dragons have. Special care is taken to ensure the serfs do not pollute the future of the Chapter. If there are no humans at all out where the chapter is, what, exactly, are they protecting? I'm really not sure this is necessary. This section is a bit longer than I thought it was going to be. The chapter serfs hold a big part in the story of the chapter, so I included them, too. BTW, how do I get the part in red into a little side-metal-box thing? [captionright=Title]Text[/captionright] or [leftsidebar=Title]Text[/leftsidebar] Note that I have one of those wrong - in one of them, you need to put the text where I have title and the title where I have text. You'll get the hang of it. Oh, and each time you edit a post, sidebar/caption coding alternates from displaying properly to displaying weird. So make sure you're careful about when you add them. Battle cry, short but sweet! Anything I need to fix? Well, it's not short. :P I'm tempted to tell you to say: "Like the space they travel, the Dragons of the Void are silent in battle." But that feels more than a little cheesy. All this is hidden from the rest of the Imperium, and from most of the Chapter. Much is buried in the Chapter librarium, hidden on memory plates and lost in archives. But the Chapter Master knows, and so do others. It remains to be seen if the Dragons can keep their secrets, especially when they are now returned to the Imperium proper. I wouldn't bother. A short sentence in the appropriate section could convey the same threats, and with much more economy of space. * * * 5000 words, dude? That's pretty long. I mean, the average GW IA is about 3800. I actually quite like this. It's kinda neat, and I think a bit of paring would make it very neat. Anything in particular you're trying to accomplish that you're worried isn't coming across? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InquisitorHayn Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Overall, I find the whole concept very intriguing and I'm curious to see how it cleans up after a good shave. Since Octavulg already covered almost everything I had, though, (and since it wouldn't do any good to elaborate on how the idea that Veteran Sergeant Snuffy can feel the "good vibrations" from Brother Claude after a long, refreshing latrine visit gives me a slight case of the heebie jeebies) I only have one question. Why is a (more so than most) technologically advanced chapter of superhuman giants in ridiculously strong armour who happen to be possessed of all manner of war materiel AND uber-awesome, touchy-feely endo-skeletons...*pant, pant, inhale*...so afraid to fight? It just seems that when they're not blasting things from the safety of their ships, the Chapter's marines are just throwing whatever they've got down range, poking the bodies with a stick to see if they're still moving, and then shooting the surviving crippled invalids in the head for good measure. Even the Guard has more guts than that. Other than that, I like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightrawenII Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Heh, so the waiting has already paid off. :D Mind-link Putting aside what was said above. I don't think that your marines will get away with the death of their own so easily. If they are able feel emotions of each other, then death will be huge blown to their mind, the degree of such thing will probably vary from the momental confusion to the shattering blow turning the marine in mumbling idiot. Just saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ace Debonair Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 I think (I could be wrong) but most loyal chapters only have whirlwinds for mid-ranged artillery support. So where does your chapter get theres from? or do they just have an excessive amount of whirlwinds? Also I fail to see why they would be afraid to engage with the enemy at close quarters given there 'improvements' to marine biology and cautious marines? marines are superhuman warriors that, in my opinion, should never be anything close to cautious. Hmmm..... Actually, they found a Land Raider relic similar in design to the Land Raider Helios. It has since been replicated. This provides the chapter with plenty of artillery, mostly because the Chapter violates the Omnissiah's command to not replicate or whatever. Although 8 of these doesn't sound serious, it is serious business. Now, to find where to put that in the IA. There's also Thunderfire Cannons, I believe, if you're looking for more ways to artillery foes into oblivion. :D EDIT: Huh, half the stuff I typed vanished. I'll take a proper look at this IA later, if I get the time, and see if I can actually suggest anything helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omega Striker Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 Wow, thanks for the responses! That's a lot to take in. One thing quick, I know it's a bit on the long side (black templars are kind of angry, too! :P ) Right now I am adding material and not really taking things away. I will begin paring down once I have everything explained, although it may never be that the only comment is: It's too long! I want to pare down after I have everything, so this IA may be longer before I start to the semi-final editing. Also, I get to add ideas in 10 minute bursts, so I am kind of all over the place and pay no attention to overall length. Maybe I will copy this out to Word or something and play around with word choice and whatnot. There is a lot of stuff that is simple duplication, and I can take out. The Gene-seed and augment section needs extensive trimming, and I wanted the relics to be from an arm of the great crusade that wandered out to the eastern fringe that the chapter is picking up, lots of awesome stuff from mankind's pinnacle under the emperor. I do want to focus on relics, so the question is this: how much bling is too much bling? Also, about the scardy marines comment: ;) :P :lol: I will have to fix that, because they are cautious, not afraid. But maybe a more aggressive chapter (BA, etc) would see that as FEAR! anyways......hmmmm. I don't know. Staying alive on the edge of the galaxy tends to make one cautious, but how cautious is too cautious for a marine? Well, you all have given me a lot to think about. I will have to ponder over this a few times, maybe take a break over this weekend and start fresh on monday. And again, thanks for all the comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Right now I am adding material and not really taking things away. And that's fine until you reach the point where you've got more than a complete IA. Which you're pretty much at. I want to pare down after I have everything, so this IA may be longer before I start to the semi-final editing. Everything is the enemy of a good IA. I have all kinds of plans about Falconscott, the Ice Lords, etc. They did not all make it into the IA, and the IA was improved by that. I do want to focus on relics, so the question is this: how much bling is too much bling? Any. Chapters aren't cool because they have cool things. The Imperial Fists would be awesome without Phalanx. Having Morkai doesn't make Grimnar cooler. And having all the various accolades, battle honors, and shiny toys doesn't make the Ultramarines interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omega Striker Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 There's also Thunderfire Cannons, I believe, if you're looking for more ways to artillery foes into oblivion. ^_^ How interesting. :woot: The land raider variant I want to use actually has two sponson mounted thunderfire cannons. On that same note, I found where I can stuff my chapter bling: the apoc threads. I can just post links to those at the bottom of my IA so that the wall of text is just elsewhere, accompanied by stat lines and a cool illustration or two. Same goes for the ships of the fleet. There's a battlefleet gothic sub-forum somewhere, and now that I know how to post links in my siggy I can keep all the different threads together, even though it is spread across the B&C forums. So I am going to edit and trim and splice and what not and get rid of the bling and then you all can re-evaluate for over-bling. After that, it looks like I will have to do some work on the skeletal augments, and maybe augments in general, because they are a pretty big deal for the chapter. Geneseed needs work, and other than that, it sounds like I am good. Now on to the slow covert editing over a period of several days. I will bump when I think I have finished with the +2 staff of un-bling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omega Striker Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 oops, double post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omega Striker Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Okay, a lot of trimming has been done. Let's give it a BUMP for the almost-final draft. I am still having length issues with Gene-seed and Augmentation. Kindly focus your help there, brothers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightrawenII Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Hell-o, this is my full-blown critique, prepare yourself... Origins: they began crusading across the northeastern corner of the Ultima Segmentum, to explore and reclaim relics lost from a task force of the Great Crusade lost somewhere on the fringes. They venture far beyond the light of the astronomican, seeking lost knowledge and relics. - This is basically Quest for Knowledge. - DoV are Chapter of genetically-engineered killing machines, looking for lost relics and knowledge is serious waste of Emperor's Finest. They are space marines, and they do the will of the God-Emperor of Mankind. - No, they aren't. The purpose of Adeptus Astartes is fighting for Him on the Terra, what are DoV doing is glorified archeology. Waste of time and effort. In their chapter's endless crusade on the edge of the galaxy, space marines are precious and good recruits are few and far between. This means all the more effort is spent on preserving the life of a battle brother, and returning him to active duty as soon as possible. - I have solution for them: #A Stop at nearest Feudal/Feral/Death World, kidnap around 10.000 young males. #B Make sure that the tests and examinations are rigorous enough. #C ??? #D Profit! This has pushed the chapter apothecaries to become masters of augmentation, as there are few dreadnaughts on the north-eastern fringes of the galaxy. - Dreadnoughts sarcophagi are shipped to Chapters from Forge Worlds, they aren't lying around on the ground. ...and now the apothecaries have developed the newest and best augmentations, able to surpass even the changes wrought by the geneseed and enhancement organs developed for space marines so long ago. - M.I.S.S. (Me? I'm So Super.) - The Adeptus Mechanicus, not to mention the Iron Hands, is augmenting its members for millenia... - Btw, the Apothecaries are bio-engineers and medics. Augmentation falls under Techmarines portfolio. This augmentation process renders the implantation organs useless, and so they are removed, one by one, and given to new initiates to begin the enhancement process that prepares their body for augmentations that would kill a normal man. - In case of some organs, impossible. Among the most central of the Chapter's current augmentations is an accidental one. When an initiate is promoted to battle brother, his skeletal structure is replaced with a special metal, forged to very specific densities. - Special metal? Phlebotinum, I suppose. - It was asked before and I will ask again; How do you remove the skeleton? Basic blurb on geneseed and how augmentation eventually replaces most of the body, along with a brief explanation of the Unity. Is this good? Any questions? - It's stretching the Suspension of Disbelief and borderline Gary Stu. Home Fleet: The largest secret held by the fleet is on board the vessel now deemed the Dragons' fortress monastery, The Ark of Purpose. It was once called The Glorious Message and it was the flagship for the 55th Task Force. Not only does it have all the logistical tools for waging long term war, cogitators for analysis of enemy tactics, and military power as a ship of the line, it is also sentient. - Sentient machines were outlawed long time ago, even before the Great Crusade. And they are vulnerable to corruption. - The rest is borderline M.I.S.S. Combat Doctrine: Their tactics center around overpowering ranged warfare, but they are no strangers to close combat. - Soo, in summary; They are very good at ranged warfare, but there is no shortage of CC abilities. :) Having had to fend for themselves on the edges of the galaxy, they have learned to be self-sufficient, and how to replicate the Mars-pattern weapons they were given more than six thousand years ago. - Do you realize that Forge of every Chapter is capable of production of almost every technology used by SM? Some of the best techmarines in the chapter have almost learned how to duplicate the ancient technology they have found in their travels. - Hmm, Dragons of Void are Chapter using augmentation surpassing gene-seed, have this problem with mind-link, but because they are so smart they have overcome it and even use it to greater success, have powerful fleet, have knowledge of Impeial Truth and now they are even capable of replication of ancient and forgotten technology? What next, they will display some god-like powers? This adds to their already augmented bodies, and the coolant systems in their bodies can be enlarged to handle the additional heat generated by various heavy weapons. Digital weapons are easily incorporated into their bodies, and other hidden weapons, like combat blades, are made retractable and kept hidden until an enemy foolish enough to attack them directly gets close. Their bodies, streamlined by the augmentation process, have room for additional ammunition, grenades, and other surprises one would not expect from those who still have most of their organs. - Oh, I have called for it. -_- Organization Many battle brothers opt not to participate in the Chapter companies, instead wishing to be deployed as part of the fleet. Such marines may swap bolter and chainsword for command throne and weapons batteries. - In all honesty; waste of Space Marine. The Ark of Purpose requires a cluster of six controllers, each with a specialized task, to pilot and fight effectively. - Really? The normal Battleship requires thousands of crewman. On board the hive ships, marines train their serfs much like a planetary defense force, and have produced a small private army to defend their fleet from within. The youths among the families of serfs are constantly checked by chapter apothecaries, checking for mutation and geneseed compatibility. The average serf on board the hive ships is checked for military skill, weapons proficiency, and leadership ability, to lead and serve in the Chapter fleet itself. Others are conscripted to work on board the forge ship, running machines under the careful watch of the chapter's master of the forge. Other positions are filled by servitors, criminals who have been pulled from the chapter breeding program and mind-wiped to give service in a more regulated way. Nothing is wasted among the ships of the fleet, and everyone has a purpose. - Nothing new or different. Organization: what do I have that is suck, and where am I lacking the awesome? - Oh! I see, there lies the problem. You know, when writing IA article the word awesome is "Insult of the Day". What you are looking for is cool, interesting and to some degree unique. Beliefs and the Chapter Cult: The price the chapter has paid for their freedoms has cost them dearly. - So I was rigth? Your Chapter is running away from its responsibilities and duties? The chapter cult, and the chapter serfs as well, have been isolated from the Imperium for long stretches of time. Surrounded by cunning enemies and incompetent allies, the Dragons have come to prefer doing things by themselves. This has allowed the Dragons to become both isolationist and secretive, but this puts incredible pressure to perform on the chapter. In the thousands of years of fighting, the Dragons have learned terrible lessons in how to wage war effectively alone. - And whose is this fault? No one asked them to travel outside of boundaries of Imperium. It was just their foolishness, mistaking the glory-hunting for the service to the Emperor. - Btw, Why are they waging wars alone? Among the chapter serfs, another cult has grown up, albeit under the close scrutiny of the Master of Sanctity and his Chaplains. They are ritually tattooed with the crest of the chapter upon birth, and spend a lifetime in service to those who have given them shelter from the harshness of the galaxy. They do not worship the Dragons, but they venerate the Emperor of Mankind, who has tasked them with purging the galaxy alongside his servants, the space marines. The whole population of Chapter serfs is put to work, and they serve the chapter in menial but essential ways. They man the gun gangs and the maintenance crews and the munitorum line and they make sure every vessel is clean and orderly. - Redundant. Chapter Secrets - So, the Dragons of Void have committed enough heresy to warrant Excommunicate Traitoris three times, but because they are super secretive, they can get away with that? ++++++++++++++ Warning! Warning! Extremely rude and ruthless message is coming! This is what I call "Flat and pathetic attempt of Awesome". Nothing, I repeat nothing, in this article gained my interest, mainly because its SOLE purpose is to make this Chapter awesome, without any drawback or/and negative repercussion: Even the so-so drawback of the "Unity Signal" leads to better performance, the Chapter commits heresy all over place, nevertheless because the appropriate authorities don't know, everything is just fine et cetera... et cetera... In all seriousness, I think this IA needs requires trimming, a lot of trimming to be precise, because I smell the foul stench of Gary Stu from every word of this text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Omega Striker Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Hell-o, this is my full-blown critique, prepare yourself... YAY! Nightrawen is angry! We're all gonna die..... :P Origins:they began crusading across the northeastern corner of the Ultima Segmentum, to explore and reclaim relics lost from a task force of the Great Crusade lost somewhere on the fringes. They venture far beyond the light of the astronomican, seeking lost knowledge and relics. - This is basically Quest for Knowledge. - DoV are Chapter of genetically-engineered killing machines, looking for lost relics and knowledge is serious waste of Emperor's Finest. 1. Yes it is. 2. Not when the emperor's finest are the only ones that can survive there. Many fleets, both Imperial and Explorator, have met their ends where the dragons go. Heck, a whole great crusade task force is in ruins spread across the outer arm. The only force that has survived is the Dragons, and they had to skip back into the Imperium regularly at first to resupply and replace losses. Not until later, after they had pioneered the new independent fleet design (aka hive and forge ships) did they become able to survive for long periods of time. And even then, they have to swing by the Imperium semi-regularly for various things. They are space marines, and they do the will of the God-Emperor of Mankind.- No, they aren't. The purpose of Adeptus Astartes is fighting for Him on the Terra, what are DoV doing is glorified archeology. Waste of time and effort. 1. See above. Skilled and Survivable is what they are for. In their chapter's endless crusade on the edge of the galaxy, space marines are precious and good recruits are few and far between. This means all the more effort is spent on preserving the life of a battle brother, and returning him to active duty as soon as possible. - I have solution for them: #A Stop at nearest Feudal/Feral/Death World, kidnap around 10.000 young males. #B Make sure that the tests and examinations are rigorous enough. #C ??? #D Profit! 1. Ummm, I don't know if you noticed, but you left step 3 out. Also, step one assumes that there are mid-size human worlds to recruit/kidnap from. That is not true in the Dragons' playground. They have to either stop by the Imperium after every major battle, or carry their recruiting worlds with them. At first they did the first, but now they do the second. This has pushed the chapter apothecaries to become masters of augmentation, as there are few dreadnaughts on the north-eastern fringes of the galaxy.- Dreadnoughts sarcophagi are shipped to Chapters from Forge Worlds, they aren't lying around on the ground. 1. Agreed. The problem is this: The Mechanicus doesn't do a delivery service. The Dragons have to come to them. The Mechanicus waits back in the Imperium, not on the outer arm of the galaxy. ...and now the apothecaries have developed the newest and best augmentations, able to surpass even the changes wrought by the geneseed and enhancement organs developed for space marines so long ago.- M.I.S.S. (Me? I'm So Super.) - The Adeptus Mechanicus, not to mention the Iron Hands, is augmenting its members for millenia... - Btw, the Apothecaries are bio-engineers and medics. Augmentation falls under Techmarines portfolio. 1. Yes, this is one of the areas that I want my chapter to focus on. 2. True, but there is a restriction on those two that is not on the Dragons: the tenets of the machine god. The necessity is arguably the same for the Iron Hands and the Dragons of the Void, but the Dragons innovate and sometimes copy xenos tech whereas the Iron Hands and Mechanicus replicate their millenia old patterns. 3. In this chapter, the two positions are sometimes mixed. Some are strictly apothecaries, and others are techmarines for the vehicles and ships, but others are Augmentors, who specialize in doing both to space marine bodies. This augmentation process renders the implantation organs useless, and so they are removed, one by one, and given to new initiates to begin the enhancement process that prepares their body for augmentations that would kill a normal man.- In case of some organs, impossible. 1. Which? Although I may be drawing from out-of-universe sources, all of the body's systems are replicatable. Bones can be dissolved out of the body and replaced with metal implants much the same way that copper is mined in my home state. Acid leaching removes the bones, and a similar calcium/adamantine mixture is injected, and the body rebuilds the skeleton naturally. It would occur in steps, probably while the marine was in supersleep because of the incredible pain, but it can be done. You just need 2 things: an acid that works on the calcium substrate that is bones (while not dissolving the living tissue) and a calcium-based heavy molecule that the body could replace the calcium based mineral in the bones with. The calcium molecule would be the hard part, but since this is science fiction, I would like to say that they have both of these things. Fair enough? For the brain, it's a matter of recreating the exact neural network that a person has in their head already. It's easy enough, and since the usual problems of not being able to learn anything are overcome by adding memory implants the regular way, that problem is resolved. In other sci-fi universes, like Rifts by Palladium Books, they have a neural network replacement process that replaces the brain but leaves the person unable to learn anymore (since the new network doesn't make connections like actual human neurons do). But my chapter already has a solution in this universe: memory augments. So end result: total cyborg, or now I guess they would be Androids. What other organs do you consider impossible to replace? Or were those the two? Among the most central of the Chapter's current augmentations is an accidental one. When an initiate is promoted to battle brother, his skeletal structure is replaced with a special metal, forged to very specific densities.- Special metal? Phlebotinum, I suppose. - It was asked before and I will ask again; How do you remove the skeleton? 1 & 2: see above! Also, here is a few wikipedia articles to explain in more detail. Copper Extraction Neural Networks Osseointegration Basic blurb on geneseed and how augmentation eventually replaces most of the body, along with a brief explanation of the Unity. Is this good? Any questions?- It's stretching the Suspension of Disbelief and borderline Gary Stu. 1. Hmmm...what would be something comperable, or another, better way of explaining it, then? Home Fleet:The largest secret held by the fleet is on board the vessel now deemed the Dragons' fortress monastery, The Ark of Purpose. It was once called The Glorious Message and it was the flagship for the 55th Task Force. Not only does it have all the logistical tools for waging long term war, cogitators for analysis of enemy tactics, and military power as a ship of the line, it is also sentient. - Sentient machines were outlawed long time ago, even before the Great Crusade. And they are vulnerable to corruption. - The rest is borderline M.I.S.S. 1. Yes they were. Hmmmm..... Maybe it needs to be a relic from before the Great Crusade. How far back would I have to go to get sentient ships? The Dark Age of Technology? 2. True. Combat Doctrine:Their tactics center around overpowering ranged warfare, but they are no strangers to close combat. - Soo, in summary; They are very good at ranged warfare, but there is no shortage of CC abilities. <_< 1. Sort of. Most of the chapter chooses to be ranged fighters, but there are a few who choose to be melee. It's a ratio of something like 2 out of 10. Having had to fend for themselves on the edges of the galaxy, they have learned to be self-sufficient, and how to replicate the Mars-pattern weapons they were given more than six thousand years ago.- Do you realize that Forge of every Chapter is capable of production of almost every technology used by SM? 1. Yes. The problem is a forge on a planet has space for raw materials and stuff. There is a shortage of available space in a fleet. Also, a regular chapter (let's say Ultramarines) has mining facilities and purification plants that produce the metals that the techpriests work with to make the stuff. The Dragons: no such thing. In reality, if they had stayed in the Imperium, they would have the Mechanicus do it for them, but there is no Mechanicus out here. They need an excavator/refinery/forge, which is a little bigger than just a forge. That is what the whole forge ship is for. Some of the best techmarines in the chapter have almost learned how to duplicate the ancient technology they have found in their travels.- Hmm, Dragons of Void are Chapter using augmentation surpassing gene-seed, have this problem with mind-link, but because they are so smart they have overcome it and even use it to greater success, have powerful fleet, have knowledge of Impeial Truth and now they are even capable of replication of ancient and forgotten technology? What next, they will display some god-like powers? 1. No, but they are going to have the whole Imperium as their enemy really quick. Some god-like powers might be used against them...... :) OrganizationMany battle brothers opt not to participate in the Chapter companies, instead wishing to be deployed as part of the fleet. Such marines may swap bolter and chainsword for command throne and weapons batteries. - In all honesty; waste of Space Marine. 1. It's not a waste of a space marine to guard a fortress monastary, is it? They guard their armory, their recruiting worlds, their forges. These can be done by servitors, or serfs, but the Dragons have to protect their ships, and a troop of serfs has a hard time stopping chaos space marines or orks. The Marines are there to make the boarders die faster. It happens frequently. Scouts are trained to hunt down Elder boarding parties that hide on the ships. Battle brothers patrol everywhere because they need the ships to survive. They can pray, or they can pray and keep the ships safe. They don't have much better to do in non-combat situations anyhow. The Ark of Purpose requires a cluster of six controllers, each with a specialized task, to pilot and fight effectively.- Really? The normal Battleship requires thousands of crewman. 1. No, this is just to point the ship in the right direction. There are tens of thousands of crewmen on board the fortress monastery. Organization: what do I have that is suck, and where am I lacking the awesome?- Oh! I see, there lies the problem. You know, when writing IA article the word awesome is "Insult of the Day". What you are looking for is cool, interesting and to some degree unique. 1. Okay. That actually explains a lot of your comments. Hmmmmm..... Beliefs and the Chapter Cult:The price the chapter has paid for their freedoms has cost them dearly. - So I was right? Your Chapter is running away from its responsibilities and duties? 1. To a degree, yes. They secured the sector they were sent to defend, and it has remained secure, so the Dragons feel that the time would be best spent by going into the regions where the attacks come from most frequently and pounding face. A grimdark take on "the best defense is a good offense". The chapter cult, and the chapter serfs as well, have been isolated from the Imperium for long stretches of time. Surrounded by cunning enemies and incompetent allies, the Dragons have come to prefer doing things by themselves. This has allowed the Dragons to become both isolationist and secretive, but this puts incredible pressure to perform on the chapter. In the thousands of years of fighting, the Dragons have learned terrible lessons in how to wage war effectively alone.- And whose is this fault? No one asked them to travel outside of boundaries of Imperium. It was just their foolishness, mistaking the glory-hunting for the service to the Emperor. - Btw, Why are they waging wars alone? 1. The Chapter's. They grew tired of sitting around waiting for the enemies to come pillage their homes, so they go and take the fight to them. Did it go well the first few times? No. But they are getting better and better at it. 2. The other Imperial forces can't be trusted, i.e. the planetary governors, various guardsmen generals, inquisitors, and arch-magos have all fallen to chaos or xenos taint. The only organization that hasn't turned on the Dragons yet is the one that is naturally inclined to like them the least: the Ecclesiarchy. Chapter Secrets- So, the Dragons of Void have committed enough heresy to warrant Excommunicate Traitoris three times, but because they are super secretive, they can get away with that? 1. Nope. Actually they will be declared excommunicatus technus by the Cult of Mars during the Liber Campaign. It'll be fun. :) Just watch. ++++++++++++++Warning! Warning! Extremely rude and ruthless message is coming! This is what I call "Flat and pathetic attempt of Awesome". Nothing, I repeat nothing, in this article gained my interest, mainly because its SOLE purpose is to make this Chapter awesome, without any drawback or/and negative repercussion: Even the so-so drawback of the "Unity Signal" leads to better performance, the Chapter commits heresy all over place, nevertheless because the appropriate authorities don't know, everything is just fine et cetera... et cetera... In all seriousness, I think this IA needs requires trimming, a lot of trimming to be precise, because I smell the foul stench of Gary Stu from every word of this text. 1. The unity signal does have drawbacks, but the chapter has learned to watch carefully for signs of Chaos. They have a weakness, and they compensate, like other, more canon, space marine chapters have. (coughBloodAngelscough) 2. They have only gotten away with it up till now. As mentioned before, in the Liber campaign, I will have them be found out. I mean, what's a thrice damnable secret for if it's not getting you in deep s---? Zing! Well, no offense taken. I was hoping you would be thorough. This gives me a lot to work with, and is immensely helpful. Always good to have an expert around. Reading this was probably painful for you, but thanks again for taking what was probably two hours out of your life and doing this, Nightrawen. It helps. One final question, though. How do I write an IA (that becomes a IT after a certain little campaign gets underway) that does brag about it's chapter without being Gary Stu? Each IA is kind of like a bragging session, right? How do I play up my chapter's strengths and downplay my chapter's weaknesses without being all "mine are better" ???? That seems to be your major beef with what I have here, but it's something that every codex does. How do I balance that? I know some Fraters prefer uber-grimdark in everything, but I guess I'm not one to make fail marines. What should I do to balance or cancel out my urge to top everyone else, even in the 2 things that my chapter does well at? (implants and their fleet) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Each IA is kind of like a bragging session, right? No. First, most IAs don't talk about specific accomplishments that much. They talk about generalities. Second, IAs spend relatively little time explaining how the chapter in question is better then other chapters - they explain how the chapters differ and mostly let the reader draw their own conclusions. They may be written as if the chapter thinks they're the best in existence, but they'll rarely state it (not least because IAs aren't written by the chapters). I'm not one to make fail marines Yes. Because nuance and fitting with the universe is so passe. :) Failure is not grimdark. Striving against the inevitable is grimdark. You can succeed all the time, so long as you're not actually getting anywhere. That said, when I last read this (and responded at length), I didn't notice any generalized excess of capabilities and stuff. There were just a few points - tone those specific points down and you should be fine. If it's a question of too much stuff, give them somewhat less. If they're better than other chapters, just make them great. Don't be absolute - be a little vague about where they rank overall. Saying they're "one of the greatest" at something is defensible in a way that "greatest" simply isn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nemesor Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I have to say that this Chapter right now is too Mary Sue. They have too much stuff, too few flaws, and they are just too unique to be plausible. Your Chapter just looks like it runs around screaming 'Look at meeeeeee!' all the time while the other marines actually do their jobs. You need to really look at everything that has been stated here and make serious changes. As it is, your DoV don't fit into the 40k setting, and it's a shame, as you do have some interesting ideas. You just need to stop focusing on being super awesome all the time, and just be cool. Remember flaws can be cool, too. Being perfect is boring, because everyone knows nothing can challenge them. Space marines are already demigods of war, your job isn't to make yours more awesome, but to make them different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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