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Shield Bearers IA


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#1
Brother Cambrius

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Shield Bearers


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Heraldry


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Chapter Master Arces Tarian M34.856
“Look upon the citizens of the Imperium my brothers. They are weak and easily destroyed by corruption and war. That is why we exist Shield Bearers, to protect the citizens of the Imperium from their own destruction from the horrors within the Universe. If we allowed them to be destroyed, what purpose would we have after? Where will the next generation of warriors for our chapter come from and how could the Emperor’s Imperium prosper without the next generation of citizens? We must protect them Shield Bearers, for it is our sworn duty to Guilliman and the Emperor!”


Legacy

Relinson Cluster + Homeworld
A region of vital importance for Imperial worlds on the far edges of the Eastern Fringe and the Ultramar Region, the Relinson Cluster, contains four solar systems within. It is a vital trade route between Ultramar and the outer worlds of the Imperium, providing food and raw materials as well as the weaponry needed to protect those outlying worlds from the Xenos horrors beyond. The forgeworld of Haeran is also present within the Tertius system, providing the chapter with the necessary technologies and weaponry for their battles. Within the systems, monuments to the leaders and heroes of the chapter are present within the hive cities and former battlefields to commemorate their greatest victories and sacrifices. The most revered of all monuments is the shrine of Chapter Master Arces Tarian himself, who heroically fell guarding the main gates of the hive-city Steelforge from Eldar raiders on Tarrex Prime. The chapter do not encourage the construction of such sites to be as lavish as the human populations eventually create, but they understand how important the monuments are to remind the citizens of the regions that the Shield Bearers are their guardians and executors should they fall to the perversions of Xenos or Chaos.

The Shield Bearers’ homeworld of Arbea is a moon that orbits a giant gas planet called Bloodstorm, named such due to the deep crimson storms that rage across its surface constantly. Arbea itself is a land of harsh, unforgiving weather and terrain, with mountain ranges spreading all across the moon’s surface and toxic tundra being present at the foot of these mountain ranges. Brutal storms rage throughout the year across the different regions of the planet, with vicious predators hunting across the mountain’s valleys and heights in search of food, often sourcing from the Imperial inhabitants themselves. Tribes of warriors fight each other for the safer places within the mountain ranges to protect their kin, the Shield Bearers anonymously helping to encourage the tribes to continue fighting. This near constant state of warfare between the tribes allows them to provide tough and fierce recruits for the chapter to train, alongside other recruits from the other worlds of the Relinson Cluster.
Created during the 16th Founding, in the wake of increased Chaos and Eldar pirate activity within the Relinson Star Cluster of the Eastern Fringe at the end of the 34th Millennium, the Shield Bearers have become the guardians and avenging angels of the region they swore to protect. As well as denying pirates the exploitation of significant trade routes sourced from the Ultramar region. The Shield Bearers have also dealt with a number of Ork incursions within the Relinson Primus and Tertius systems, keeping their numbers low. Whilst the Shield Bearers are seen as being a cold, blunt and relatively unforgiving chapter to their allies, the chapter believe that their duty is to protect the citizens of the Imperium above all else against the horrors of the Universe.

Origins

Forged from the seed of the Ultramarines’ successor chapter, the Praetors of Orpheus, Captain Arces Tarian of the Fourth Company was chosen to build a new chapter to protect the Relinson Cluster. Taking a retinue of select Astartes from his command, the veterans trained the recruits alongside the Praetors. After nearly a century, Tarian’s chapter was ready to become an independent chapter. Choosing the moon of the fourth planet in the Relinson Secundus system, Arbea was the ideal tactical location. A strong source of recruits were present and easily reached from the region and the moon itself and was located at the heart of the Relinson Cluster, allowing for the fastest response possible to any threat in the region.

Slowly building its strength by following the tenets of the Codex Astartes and utilising the technological knowledge of their parent chapter, the Shield Bearers became the heroes and the protectors of the Cluster. Many honours and titles have been bestowed upon the chapter in their long length of service to the Emperor, guarding the systems within the region they had been tasked to keep the enemies of the Imperium away. Priding themselves on their swift action and reaction to enemy activity, the Shield Bearers developed a strong bond of trust with the planets they protected. However the chapter soon learnt of the consequences of such bonds of trust with the events of the Betrayal of Relinson Primus

The Heresy of Relinson Primus

The Shield Bearers had gained strong ties of friendship with the inhabitants of the Relinson Primus system over their decades of guarding and protecting the region and system. The Astartes themselves were viewed by the population as being the system’s guardian angels, who watched over their every move judging them worthy citizens of the Emperor. The forgeworld of Haeran at the system’s centre provided plenty of war material for the chapter, its governing Tech-Lords over time grew strong bonds of friendship and trust with the Masters of the Forge and Chapter Masters of the Shield Bearers over time, aiding in the repair of chapter equipment returned from engagements. The chapter could often repair severely damaged armour and vehicles within a much shorter time span than the general average as a result.
This display of trust however would soon be lost during the middle of the 37th Millennium, when the Chaos warband known as the Silver Daggers brought themselves to the forefront of being one of the Shield Bearers’ most hated enemies. The Silver Daggers were a renowned Slaaneshi war band of traitor Astartes and cultists throughout the Eastern Fringe, razing and sacrificing whole planetary systems in chaos and fire in an offering their God of pleasure and pain. In an attempt to appease the Prince of Chaos and to summon one of its champions known as Mis’tes the Silver-tongued, the warband quietly began to plant the seeds of Chaos within the under-hives of Haeran and its neighbouring worlds of Kyros and Volensk. The Silver Daggers knew of the strong bonds of trust the Shield Bearers held with the planets and thus they knew that their downfall to worshipping Chaos would be all the more pleasurable to perform and to witness the Shield Bearers’ reaction to such a heavy betrayal. The slow conversion of the populace was veiled in secrecy over three decades, reliant upon the trust the Shield Bearers held for the planet’s governors in keeping the planets under control and loyal. As the year 459.M36 dawned, the Silver Daggers finally had enough converted inhabitants on all three planets to make their ploy and appeared in force above the three planets. As soon as the Silver Daggers appeared, rebellion flared up throughout the planets, its leaders and governors assassinated within hours or had already pledged themselves to the warband’s tainted commands.

When news reached the Shield Bearers of the presence of the Chaos warband and the betrayal of the once loyal planets, the chapter immediately responded, sending as much of their might as possible towards the tainted worlds. With the strength of seven companies, the Shield Bearers unleashed their wrath upon the Silver Daggers and the citizens of the planets beneath for allowing themselves to fall to Chaos. The war within the Relinson Primus system raged for months, the Shield Bearers slowly being ground down to half their number in the bloody conflict, as the decades of slow preparation by the turned populations created a formidable defence system, allied with the forces of daemons and the Chaos Marines dealt a bloody toll. Eventually the Silver Daggers were forced into a retreat and they out into the reaches beyond the Imperium, taking as many tainted citizens with them as slaves. With their numbers halved and with their trust betrayed, the Shield Bearers were lost in anger and rage. When the Chaos forces fled out of their reach, Chapter Master Brenen Stohl unleashed his chapter’s wrath upon the planets that had succumbed to the whims of chaos. The Astartes executed in cold, gene enhanced blood over three quarters of the population that still remained, only sparing those whom had truly proven themselves loyal in fighting the taints of Chaos. With the planets purged, the chapter set about repopulating them with only the most loyal subjects in the Imperium. After three centuries of rebuilding, Kyros, Haeran and Volensk returned to their former glory, more loyal to the Emperor than ever before. To ensure the planets would never again fall to the perversions of the Chaos, the chapter placed garrisons across each world, to strengthen the presence of the Emperor and his jurisdiction.

In the aftermath of the heresies upon the three planets the Shield Bearers’ purged clean, a harsh lesson was learnt by the chapter, shaping their beliefs upon the worlds of the Imperium and of how they should treat “lesser” citizens of the Emperor. Chapter Master Stohl declared that from that point, the Shield Bearers will not allow themselves the luxury of trusting non Astartes members of the Imperium from staying on the path of loyalty to the Imperium and the beloved Emperor. As a result, the Shield Bearers are reluctant in revealing information or intelligence to non Astartes groups, including Imperial Guard and Planetary Governors. However the chapter do hold a veiled form of trust to the Mechanicum, knowing that they rely upon the priests of Mars to aid the Shield Bearers in continuing to fight. The chapter also became even more open and loyal to the Inquisition, knowing that the Ordos help to keep the Imperium pure of all taints and corruption given by Xenos and Chaos alike. Whenever any of the Ordos summon the chapter or enter the systems the chapter protect, the Shield Bearers hide no secrets and act openly in all matters, willing to help the Inquisition in dealing with any threat or taint present.

Structure

The Serrated Blade Kabal
The Serrated Blade Kabal is regarded by the Shield Bearers as one of their greatest enemies alongside the Silver Daggers. The kabal has dealt many a terrible blow upon the chapter and its allies across the millennia of the chapter’s history with the Shield Bearers returning vengeance in kind whenever possible. The most infamous blow the twisted Xenos dealt was the destruction of the fortress city of “Greyspire” and the elements of the chapter’s Third and Fifth Companies protecting it from continued raids in 941.M38. The body of Captain Todas was never found in the aftermath the fall of Greyspire,. It is believed that the honoured Captain of the Fifth had been taken by the twisted Dark Eldar for their own malign purposes. Whenever the Serrated Blade makes their presence known to the chapter, the Astartes will immediately respond and act in exacting their revenge and reclaim the honour of their fallen brethren and the citizens of Greyspire.
The Shield Bearers follow the codex and much as possible, seeing it as the revered work of their gene-father Roboute Guilliman. The Shield Bearers’ parent chapter, the Praetors of Orpheus blessed the new chapter with the high amount of technological lore they themselves possessed. Thus the Shield Bearers are very rarely seen on the battlefield without a high representation from Mars’ servants. Inheriting the technological lore and knowledge of their parent chapter, the Shield Bearers have access to a large armoury of weapons and vehicles. This includes the possession of over thirty Terminator suits and a larger amount of Landraiders than the average chapter, including the exceptionally rare Prometheus and Ares. Due to their sworn task of protecting the vital trade routes and the planets within so large a region, the Shield Bearers have a sizeable fleet, with the chapter having at least three companies patrolling the different regions of the Relinson Cluster to deter and resist any enemies who make themselves known to them at any one time.

The Shield Bearers however are unique in one aspect; veteran marines of the chapter all wield a combat or storm shield to battle. The two colours of the chapter proudly displayed either side, with their company colour bordering and the name of the veteran placed at the centre in a strip of steel. Over their time in serving the chapter, the Astartes affix purity seals, markers and honour badges upon a ceremonial shield presented when they become fully fledged Astartes, commemorating their actions in previous campaigns. When a marine is promoted to the rank of a veteran, they are given the honour of carrying a shield into combat with their collected honour markings embossed into the shield itself. In some rare cases, the use of a second shield is necessary to account for their honours in combat, with the previous shield being kept within the hallowed halls of the Cathedral of Shields, the chapter’s main place of worship and prayer in their fortress monastery on Arbea.

Combat Doctrine + Beliefs

Geneseed
Having descended from one of the Second Founding chapters of Roboute Guilliman, the Shield Bearers’ geneseed is very pure, with no mutations or flaws. The chapter store a large proportion of their geneseed within the deepest chasms of their Fortress Monastery and have other stores of their geneseed hidden throughout the Relinson Cluster, in the event of their Fortress Monastery being pillaged or overrun by enemy forces. Thus, even if Arbea fell and all was lost upon the planet, the surviving elements of the Shield Bearers can rebuild and restore their numbers and legacy.
In the many millennia of facing the dark perversions of their prime enemy the Silver Daggers and numerous engagements against a kabal of Dark Eldar raiders known as the Serrated Blade, the chapter have grown into becoming a group of warriors who despise the taking of pleasure in any way. This demeanour has grown out of facing the Silver Daggers numerous times after the Heresy of Kyros, Haeran and Volensk. The many sights of depravity and disgusting rituals the Shield Bearers’ warriors have seen when fighting against the warband over the recent millennia, the chapter have developed a grim and cold personality, never taking the pleasure of killing an opponent, seeing it as a form of weakness that can be exploited by the malign powers of the Universe.

Because of the prolonged warfare against the twisted Dark Eldar and Slaaneshi forces, the Shield Bearers have developed a reputation across the sector they patrol as being a fast and manoeuvrable chapter, relying on quick strikes and faster reaction timing to new threats, especially against the warping Eldar. The chapter rely on brutal mechanised assaults, with Drop Pods raining down their assault teams overhead, while their vehicles of war beneath annihilate heavy resistance with their guns and the Astartes waiting within their transports.

The Shield Bearers, like most chapters do not view the Emperor as a deity, unlike the Imperium’s general population. The instead regard the Emperor of the Father of the Imperium and its great leader and protector. After the corruption of Haeran, Kyros and Volensk, the Shield Bearers have developed a strong belief in purity above all else, to deter any chance of the taint of Chaos creeping into their chapter in any way. Apothecaries test the genetic purity of their geneseed more often than the average and Librarians and Chaplains also ensure that any taint has not entered the thoughts or deeds of their brethren. Because of this, the Shield Bearers have developed a minor contempt to some chapters who have genetics flaws or defects that can be visible, including the sons of Sanguinius’ gene-seed, believing that such mutation and genetic flaws leave them more open to the perverse whispers of Chaos. Whilst the chapter rely heavily upon the technologies and weapons from Mars’ acolytes, they also respect the power of the flesh required to activate the equipment and to maintain the machine spirits within, knowing that if the machines of war fail, the flesh and will of the body will continue on to fight.

+++++


Well that\'s all I have for these guys. Please do leave a comment or some critique on this, I welcome it with open arms. Warts and all. :drool:

Cambrius

Edited by Brother Cambrius, 12 April 2012 - 04:48 PM.

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#2
Shinzaren

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Let's see post count: over 2,000.
Use of Lethal Force: Authorized.
Bring out the big guns :P


Created in the wake of increased Eldar Pirate activity in the Relinson Star Cluster in the Eastern Fringe at the end of the 34th Millennium, the Shield Bearers have been blessed with the high amount of technological lore as their parent chapter and are never seen on the battlefield without a high representation from Mars’ servants.

You announce that their parents have a lot of Technical Lore and good relations with the Adeptus Mechanicus before you tell us who their parent chapter is. Alluding to it just makes it a bit confusing.

As well as denying Eldar Pirates the exploitation of significant trade routes sourced from the Ultramar region, the Shield Bearers have also dealt with a number of Ork incursions within the Relinson Primus and Tertius systems. Whilst the Shield Bearers are seen as being a blunt and unforgiving chapter to their allies in the Imperium, they chapter hold a strong protectiveness over the citizens of the Imperium. In similar ways to the Salamanders, the Shield Bearers commit themselves to saving as many Imperial Citizens as possible against the horrors of the Universe.

Blunt and unforgiving in 40k speak means the exact opposite of rescuing civilians and saving the normal people from a universe of horrors. Blunt and unforgiving is like the Ordo Malleus, who purge entire populations to rid the taint of Chaos.

Created from the seed of the Ultramarines’ successor chapter, the Praetors of Orpheus, Captain Arces Tarian of the Fourth Company was chosen to build a new chapter to protect the Relinson cluster. Taking a retinue of veterans from his parent chapter and after nearly a hundred years of training fresh recruits alongside the Praetors in the Relinson Cluster, Tarian’s chapter was ready to become an independent chapter of their own. Choosing the mountainous moon of the fourth planet of Holos in the Relinson Secundus solar system, Arbea was the ideal tactical location, along with a strong source of recruits from the Cluster and Arbea itself, it was located at the heart of the Relinson Cluster itself.

So I am gathering that they hang out in the Relinson area.... :D

With the chapter continuing to build its strength, following the tenets of the Codex Astartes and with the aid of the technological knowledge passed down from their parent chapter, the Shield Bearers became the heroes and the protectors of the Cluster. The planets within the cluster containing Imperial citizens created vast temples and shrines to the leaders of the chapter the most sacred being the shrine of Chapter Master Arces Tarian himself, after falling to the tainted blades of the Silver Daggers Slaaneshi war band on the hive world of Tarrex Prime holding out long enough for reinforcements to arrive in the shape of the Avenging Fists chapter to fight away the Chaos tainted scum.

Whoa, they are being worshiped as Gods, with shrines built in their honor? Seems a bit... heretical. Not outright dangerous yet, but certainly the start of something suspicious. Also, you are bouncing around a lot. You are jumping from homeworld to religion to Chapter Master details, with little or no introduction to each new idea.

In the many millennia of facing the dark perversions of the Dark Eldar pirates that blight the Cluster and trade routes the chapter protect, the chapter have grown into becoming a group of warriors who despise the taking of pleasure in any way. This demeanour has also been grown out of facing the Silver Daggers, whom lurk within the sector to hunt down the Eldar Pirates in the name of Slaanesh and have razed planets and systems to appease their God of pleasure and pain. Because of this, the Shield Bearers have a grim, cold personality, never taking the pleasure of killing an opponent, seeing it as a form of weakness that can be exploited by the malign powers of the Universe. Allies have commented that they have never seen a Shield Bearer marine smile in their times fighting alongside them, even in victory or at times of jubilation. The chapter however does have humour in quantity, but it is often grim and dark.

Wait, so the Silver Daggers hunt the Eldar Pirates? Because that is how it reads at the moment. GrimDark™ humor? Again, jumping from one part to another rather suddenly.

In recent times since the Tau’s invasion of the Eastern Fringe, the Shield Bearers have been on numerous deployments in protecting and retaking Imperial worlds from the technologically advanced species. With the technological knowledge and their rapid means of combat, the Shield Bearers have been ideal in dealing with the Tau species. The chapter’s greatest enemies however are the Dark Eldar “Serrated Blade” Kabal, who dealt a terrible blow upon the chapter with the destruction of the fortress city of “Greyspire” and the fifth company on the icy planet of Glacis.

Here it bounces again, from Tau to Eldar to a battle with the 5th company.

The body of the Captain of the Fifth was never found, believed to have been taken by the twisted Dark Eldar. Thus, whenever the Serrated Blade makes their presence known to the chapter, they will immediately respond and act in exacting their revenge and reclaiming the honour of their fallen brethren and the citizens of Greyspire. Though this has caused the chapter to end up in vulnerable situations, the Shield Bearers are always endured to fight on in the name of their Primarch and the Emperor.

This seems like it should go in a sidebar perhaps.

Combat Doctrine


Because of the prolonged warfare against the twisted Dark Eldar and the Green Tide, the Shield Bearers have been renowned across the sector they patrol and protect as a fast and manoeuvrable chapter, relying on quick strikes and faster reaction timing to new threats, especially against the warping Eldar. The Shield Bearers however hold a high level of pride in their colours, traditionally displaying themselves to the enemy to show them who they were about to face in combat and who they’re executioners would be.

Now it jumps from tactics to colors. Quick strikes and fast reactions don't give any idea that your marines camouflage themselves anyone, so mentioning that they love their colors doesn't seem necessary.

The Shield Bearers are unique in one aspect, where all of the veteran marines of the chapter wield a combat shield to battle in the colour of their chapter, with their company colour bordering it alongside their other weaponry. Over their time in serving the chapter, the Astartes affix purity seals, markers and honour badges upon a ceremonial shield presented when they become fully fledged Astartes, commemorating their actions in previous campaigns. When a marine is promoted to the honoured rank of veteran, they are given the honour of carrying a shield into combat with their honour markings embossed into it. In some rare cases, the use of a second shield is necessary to account for their honours in combat, with the previous shield being kept within the hallowed halls of the Cathedral of Shields, the Shield Bearers’ main place of worship and prayer in their fortress monastery on Arbea. When a brother marine is laid to rest, his shield(s) are placed with him in his tomb so that he may protect the Imperium beyond the realms of mortality.

This doesn't belong in Combat Doctrine at all, though it would fit nicely into the Beliefs section I think.

The Shield Bearers follow the codex and much as possible, seeing it as the revered work of their gene-father Roboute Guilliman. Inheriting the technological lore and knowledge of their parent chapter, the Praetors of Orpheus, the chapter have access to a large armoury of weapons and vehicles. This includes the possession of over thirty Terminator suits and a larger amount of Landraiders than an average chapter, including the exceptionally rare Prometheus and Ares. The Shield Bearers however are not dedicated simply to technology like other chapters with such close ties to the Mechanicum and educate their aspirants that the power of their brothers in warfare is far stronger than any machine of war.

Seems rather contradictory to me. They love Mars but believe in the power of Man over Machine? I dunno, just reads kinda funky.


Overall, you have a lot of ideas that don't really all lead into each all that well. I think a lot of the ideas could be moved into other sections of the IA to improve the flow of it. The ideas and concept of the rather solid, though I don't get a real feel for what your marines are like, other than they don't like taking pleasure in things. Needs more character, which will obviously come as more of the IA is written and the ideas are fleshed out. A great start though. Looking forward to this one with interest.

#3
Brother Cambrius

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After having this slowly edited and worked on since first uploading it last summer, I have now updated the IA above, with fresh stuff on beliefs and others bits and pieces. Release the Liber hounds!

Cambrius

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#4
Ah-a-nothepsis

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Very exciting when someone takes pride in a certain chapter!
"Astartes first, psykers second." - Ahzek Ahriman

#5
Brother Cambrius

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Very exciting when someone takes pride in a certain chapter!


Thanks, I am proud of the creations I make at this level...even if they rarely are at Librarium standards. <_<

Cambrius

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#6
Brother Cambrius

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More edits and updates made. Please leave any comments or critiquing if anything needs fixing etc. :) :)

Cambrius

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#7
Andrew J

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Brother Cambrius my overall impression of your IA has left me with a few thoughts. I hope they do not come across harsh as I am stating them to help make your IA flow better and easier to read.

First I noticed that you are very longwinded and tend to drag out sentences. Many times you could cut them off as you tend to repeat what you say a lot. Other times you could break them into two and sometimes three sentences. I would suggest going back through and reading it carefully to see where you do this.

Second are some specific things.

In the many millennia of facing the dark perversions of their prime enemy, a Kabal known as the Serrated Blade, their presence blighting the Cluster and its trade routes, the chapter have grown into becoming a group of warriors who despise the taking of pleasure in any way. This demeanour has also been grown out of facing the Silver Daggers numerous times after the Heresy of Kyros, Haeran and Volensk. Because of the many sights of depravity and disgusting rituals seen when fighting against the Chaos forces, the Shield Bearers have developed a grim, cold personality over the time of their existence, never taking the pleasure of killing an opponent, seeing it as a form of weakness that can be exploited by the malign powers of the Universe.


This whole part of the combat doctrine currently seems to fit better in the beliefs section.

I feel like you should break up your LEGACY section into Origins and homeworld mixing in your last paragraph from your Beliefs section. I also feel like you could break out the Heresies of Kyros, Haeran and Volensk into its own section of their origins. Maybe to give the IA a more organized feel.

Another suggestion might be to focus solely on the Silver Daggers or the Dark eldar as having two main adversaries tends to stretch out the believability of your chapter too much. I like what you have for the Silver Daggers part and would suggest you stay with that as that tends to form your chapter more than anything you have of the DE.

I feel like you do have some good thoughts and a little honing of them would make this a much better IA.

That is my 2 cents. Hope my suggestions are helpful.
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#8
Brother Cambrius

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Brother Cambrius my overall impression of your IA has left me with a few thoughts. I hope they do not come across harsh as I am stating them to help make your IA flow better and easier to read.


They are welcomed Andrew J. :P After nearly 5 years of being here in the Liber I've come to develop a thick skin for critiquing. ;)

First I noticed that you are very longwinded and tend to drag out sentences. Many times you could cut them off as you tend to repeat what you say a lot. Other times you could break them into two and sometimes three sentences. I would suggest going back through and reading it carefully to see where you do this.


Yes the long winded thing is a general bane in my writings. I think I have GCSE English to thank for that making us try to spam as much marks in a single sentence as possible...No excuse now though. I'll give it a re-read over the next few days and fix up anything that missed my glance previously. ;)

This whole part of the combat doctrine currently seems to fit better in the beliefs section.

I feel like you should break up your LEGACY section into Origins and homeworld mixing in your last paragraph from your Beliefs section. I also feel like you could break out the Heresies of Kyros, Haeran and Volensk into its own section of their origins. Maybe to give the IA a more organized feel.


That makes sense on both parts, I wasn't sure whether I should have moved some of them or not. You've pretty much confirmed it now for me so thanks a bunch!

Another suggestion might be to focus solely on the Silver Daggers or the Dark eldar as having two main adversaries tends to stretch out the believability of your chapter too much. I like what you have for the Silver Daggers part and would suggest you stay with that as that tends to form your chapter more than anything you have of the DE.


Another thing that had me internally umming and ahhing over when I revisited this IA, because the Serrated Blade were the original villains to the Shield Bearers. I'll just leave their name in the early description methinks when I do the edits and replace that sidebar with a bit on the Silver Daggers a little more.

I feel like you do have some good thoughts and a little honing of them would make this a much better IA.

That is my 2 cents. Hope my suggestions are helpful.


Thank you very much and also thanks for reading through the IA and leaving some critique and comments (in no way harsh I may add.) They're super beneficial.

Edits incoming in the next few days! :cry:

Cambrius

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#9
Brother Cambrius

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Further edits and refinements made to this. Any and all critique will be welcomed! :D

Cambrius

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#10
Andrew J

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It reads much better and is much smoother to me. Pulling out the homeworld and other parts really makes it flow much easier.

Caught this:

However the chapter soon learnt of the consequences of such bonds of trust when the events of the Betrayal of Relinson Primus

It looks like you never finished the thought. Also would say "with" not "when".

Have you painted up any of your chapter?
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#11
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

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It reads much better and is much smoother to me. Pulling out the homeworld and other parts really makes it flow much easier.

Caught this:

However the chapter soon learnt of the consequences of such bonds of trust when the events of the Betrayal of Relinson Primus

It looks like you never finished the thought. Also would say "with" not "when".

Have you painted up any of your chapter?


Glad to hear it Andrew J.

The mis-write has become no more. :P

None yet as this is but a written chapter, my armies being my Sons of Doom and now the Vanquishers. I though will be painting up a Shield Bearer marine in the future as part of Operation Reclamation

Thanks for taking your time to read through and help me brother. ;)

Cambrius

Edited by Brother Cambrius, 23 March 2012 - 08:16 PM.

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#12
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

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A few more tweaks and edits made, including a small sidebar on the Chapter's geneseed and adjusting the flow of some of the writing to be easier to read. Critiques welcome! :confused:

Cambrius

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 


#13
Andrew J

Andrew J

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Just read through it and I didnt notice much changed. I guess thats good then, means it is well done and the minor tweaks are only enhancing it. I am looking forward to a veteran marine of the Shield Bearers show up in Operation Reclamation soon!
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#14
Brother Cambrius

Brother Cambrius

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Just read through it and I didnt notice much changed. I guess thats good then, means it is well done and the minor tweaks are only enhancing it. I am looking forward to a veteran marine of the Shield Bearers show up in Operation Reclamation soon!


Well that's good news! :)

I'll hopefully be breaking out my paint pots again soon to start on a Shield Bearer. It'll be the first time I've used yellow so that should be fun...

Cambrius

gallery_26154_15777_7413.png sml_gallery_81492_11492_822.pngjHkptLG.png]gallery_77459_13226_2824.pnggallery_48988_10069_2782.png gallery_48988_11572_5225.pnggallery_48988_15094_15503.png

 





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