tiny sam Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 Homeworld section is much better, but I think you go into too much detail now, especially concerning the tournament. In the name of brevity, I would just mention a tournament as the method of selection and leave it at that. I do like how it's a feudal world though, you don't see many of those. Otherwise, the usual grammar and spelling issues (not your first language, I know), and flow. Some of your sentences are a little crude or disjointed. Again, since you're Quebecois, I'll forgive it. Because I'm from Québec my sentences can be rude? ;) you are right however that the feudalism must be explain in a univers where space travel is possible :P Great concept, both in flavor and execution of the models. With your permission, I'd love to include a squad of them in my Apocalypse army (which follows a "Feast of Blades" theme with the Imperial Fist and successor chapters). Do me this honor :cuss As long as it's not for a comercial use I consider it a compliment :P (follow the Hall of Honor link in my signature if you need inspiration for them and as a personnal request, I want a picture of them :)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Normish Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 Great concept, both in flavor and execution of the models. With your permission, I'd love to include a squad of them in my Apocalypse army (which follows a "Feast of Blades" theme with the Imperial Fist and successor chapters). If you need any more, my Chapter is also Imperial Fist successor. Because I'm from Québec my sentences can be rude? :) you are right however that the feudalism must be explain in a univers where space travel is possible :) No, I mean how you use English. Though I can barely understand the "French" you guys supposedly speak, haha. It is very refreshing to see feudal worlds, most people seem to do tribal or civilized worlds, or fleets like myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiny sam Posted September 9, 2011 Author Share Posted September 9, 2011 I explain a little bit more my view of the feudal world Naticav VI and the defense of the system. No, I mean how you use English. Though I can barely understand the "French" you guys supposedly speak, haha. bha I'm sure we could come to an understanding, I'm from Québec city and not Québec's deep (THEY are hard to understand). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiny sam Posted September 14, 2011 Author Share Posted September 14, 2011 Spelling correction add a war cry section. I must admit I'm a little lost, what should I add/modify? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Normish Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Well, I think I think that if you standardized your use of headings and sub-headings, it would make it look more organized and more professional. Otherwise, I don't have much to add besides what I've already said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiny sam Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 Well, I think I think that if you standardized your use of headings and sub-headings Not quite sure of what you mean... do you have concrete example of flow problems? It seems ok to me, but again, I probably twisted some part with a french mind, or an incomprehensible hybrid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiny sam Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 just reorder the paragraph, putting Combat doctrines after Organisation for a more logical reading Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiny sam Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Just pimped a little the beliefs Sections. I'm trying to demonstrate the duality of the chapters faith.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Normish Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Sorry, I haven't looked in a while. I'll make my judgment known (I sound pompous, haha) later. As for "standardization of headings" and such, I meant using the BBCode to insert neat looking headers and sub-headings into the text, it would make it look more professional. Here's a link: BBCodes 101 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiny sam Posted September 27, 2011 Author Share Posted September 27, 2011 Sorry, I haven't looked in a while. I'll make my judgment known (I sound pompous, haha) later.As for "standardization of headings" and such, I meant using the BBCode to insert neat looking headers and sub-headings into the text, it would make it look more professional. Here's a link: BBCodes 101 it's weird that you says so, I always found those big squared sections to look silly. and due to the side notes and the pictures it does looks silly... I change the formating a bit to better separate the sections. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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