, I have read your post and you have plenty of good points. I do wish to tell you that it offends me to be the initial target of your crusade here. Not because you have criticism for me (that's what I asked for), but because you seem to consider my work to be a prime example of "nonsense, crap and stupid BS." I will try to get over it, of course, but your manner is incredibly off-putting. Now, I will go over your blow-by-blow with one of my own and see what comes of it.
Primarch: Rogol Dorn (who needs to spit acid, anyways?)
- Rogal Dorn. You really should know the name of your Primarch.
Fair enough, I thought it looked funny. A Google search could've corrected that.
Home-world: Tempus V (just Core-ward of the Veiled Region)
- The name (Tempus) clash with the name of Segmentum (Tempestus). Change it to something more... dissimilar.
Demeanor: Like their progenitors, the Marines Allegiant are notoriously stubborn and famously loyal to the Emperor.
- What it means "famously loyal"? Are there Chapters, who are ignominiously loyal to Emperor or something?
While this does make the marines paragons of virtue and determination, it also makes them contemptuous and critical of others.
- Yeah, because others aren't as loyal to Emperor as the Marines Allegiant... Did you hear this fact? Grey Knights are the purest of Space Marines and of Grey Knights the Purifiers are the purest and most pure of Purifiers is their commander, Castellan Crowe. huh.gif
I might not understand this particular criticism, steeped as it is in sarcasm. I suppose I could elaborate more on what I mean. In Dawn of War II, the Marine characters know they are better than humans, right? Avitus, the devastator, takes that to the extreme. He frequently scoffs at the Imperial Guard's failings during the campaign, and almost has a legitimate hate for regular humans. That's the attitude that I see being the norm for my chapter, as opposed to (relatively) humanitarian marines like the Salamanders.
Combat Doctrine: The Marines Allegiant follow the Codex Astartes faithfully, although they do specialize in the use of heavy(???) melee weaponry and their Sternguard are the leaders(???) of the 1st Company veterans.
This section is built of of my play style, and may just need to be re-written to better communicate what I mean. Heavy melee weapons would be the thunder hammer and power fist, which I prefer to take over power weapons nearly every time. That said, I've seen a bunch of new weaponry in the new rulebook, so this may need revision. The leaders part doesn't make a bunch of sense as written, correct... as I write other parts of the fluff, this bit may just vanish.
The warrior-priests had learned that several tribes had learned dark, necromantic secrets from a traveling giant known as "The Prophet of Change."
- You have to explain, who are the warrior-priest before using them in text, it's confusing.
- Since the necromancy is (sort of) playground of Nurgle, his champion wouldn't call himself the Prophet of Change.
That came from me mentioning the priests in the Home World section, which I worked on before going back up to the Service Record. So I thought I had, my mistake! Names are easy to change, Nurgle didn't immediately spring to mind for me.
This trial remains a closely-kept secret, as widespread news of this event could call the entire chapter into question as unwitting pawns of Chaos.
- How this trial affects your Chapter? If there isn't any lasting effect, then you could throw it away because it's worthless.
Fair enough. Maybe there is some subtle mutation or degree of resistance against "Nurgly" type things that could be a hat-tip to this event. I'm open to new ideas as well as shooting down my existing ones.
and yet they lent a half-dozen squads towards one hundred doomed defensive battles in the Segmentum Tempetus.
The words or the deed? I'm no great writer, unfortunately, but one hundred sieges seems like the things marines do.
Each time, the arrival of the marines and their unique stoicism inspired the besieged
- Ehm, but what? It's stoism, which is unique to Imperials? or it's an unique form of stoism?
Could be removed, sure. Marines are pretty starchy in general, and a pile showing up to help would make any defender happy. That, and it's probably more likely for the marines to try and break the besieging force than to defend against it.
earned a place for their Sternguard squads and two vindicators at the Second Siege of Terra.
- You did not. Don't sneak your Chapter where it doesn't belong.
- No seiging please.
There's a fair chance that I will agree to disagree with you on the issue of battles, however big or small, that have forces unaccounted for.
During the Age of Apostasy the Marines Allegiant still could not field a full company....
The Freebooter Warboss Gragnatz Big-Gunz made it his personal mission to dislodge the new gatekeepers in 233.M36, but the chapter had grown near to full power at this time.
- This is confusing. You have to mention Gragnatz-problem before you begin to talk about not being able to field a company-worth number of marines. Also, 233.M36 is already during Age of Apostasy.
- When I'm on it, it reeks of Rynn's World incident.
This was me trying to keep the original mission statement relevant, as it mentioned orks. The whole thing might get redone or removed.
Home World: Tempus
The Planetary Governor and the rest of his office reside in a large orbital station, never visiting the surface.
- Since this is Astartes homeworld, there wouldn't be any governor, he is not needed.
I thought most worlds had a Governor for the sake of it, but if not he will not be missed.
It is notable that access to Tempus by outsiders is usually impossible: the locals are kept ignorant of modern technology or potentially heretical ideas.
The station also serves as a base of operations for a small army of warrior-priests who are tasked with maintaining the spiritual health of the planet. They train to endure and survive the harsh surface below, always watchful for signs of primitive tribal religion that can often turns to Chaos worship in subtle ways.
- The locals are kept ignorant of potentially heretical ideas, but their primitive religion often slips into Chaos worship? Hmmm... dry.gif
- Are trying to tell me that your Chapter recruits from wannabe heretics?
- BTW, why are the warrior-priests on Tempus in the first place?
-The primitive religion bit was meant to be more a general statement on how such religions can pan out in the 40k universe, as opposed to "our planet keeps trying to turn to Chaos dag-nabbit."
-No, they don't. See above.
-"a small army of warrior-priests who are tasked with maintaining the spiritual health of the planet." I could elaborate on this a bit more, but they perform the same role as an Inquisitor might. I guess there could even be an Ordo Hereticus inquisitor or retainer present at all times. Maybe they know about the close call with Chaotic forces during the founding, and their constant scrutiny and judgment translates into the marines being extra uptight about heresy.
Both parties have a chance of attracting the attention of the honorably dead warriors of ages past (Why?): those that do will encounter the skull of one such warrior(Why?) who them summons them to the Hall of the Dead to become legend (Legend of disappearing without trace. happy.gif ).
The Hall of the Dead is the local name (Why?) for the fortress monastery of the Marines Allegiant.
- The almighty why?
More elaboration needed, definitely. Maybe even it's own section in the fluff. The basic idea is that the marines do not usually appear in person to the aspirants, instead sending servo skulls to recruit them. The locals assume that the skulls float and speak since they are ghosts of dead warriors, come to guide the chosen to eternal glory... sort of like a Valkyrie but without the prerequisite of dying first.
Otherwise, there isn't much to comment. From my POV, your Chapter shows some signs of pending ideas, but they are weak and faint. As it stands now, this Chapter is just run of the mill successor of Imperial Fists, which is not good start. No one wants to read article about bland (and dull) Chapter. If you want to improve this article, then you will need to emphasise what makes your Chapter different and/or outstanding in crowd of other Chapters.
By the way, Index Astartes, as is understood around here, is a certain format. People will get wrong idea, if you call your article as such.
Fair enough, I'll look into this formatting thing (it wasn't first priority since I was going for content first). A few of the issues in my article come from my writing. I don't want to drone on and on about things, events, or whatnot, so I try and condense things. I suppose information that is more critical than I assume could be lost in the process.
I do look forward to your continued feedback, NightrawenII
, although I do hope future exchanges are slightly less vitriolic.
EDIT: I need to rework my founding as I recently read that most chapters are usually taking part in combat operations inside of a century. The Age of Apostasy happens 400 years after the chapter is founded, yet I have them under-strength. Either a later founding (that isn't the Cursed 21st, of course) or maybe something that brought them low for a while? Ideas always welcome, of course!
EDIT THE SECOND: I also had some thought about theme and chapter symbol. Specifically, I have a bunch of Forge World Black Templar stuff that was gifted to me (and found a handful of unpainted guys with Maltese crosses on their shoulders), so a red Maltese cross may be the new symbol. Perhaps a Germanic knight feel, but I don't want to trespass too far into Templar Territory. This is tough stuff, here.
EDIT THE THIRD: Added some civility in there. Really wanting to avoid mixing inquisitors up with the chapter, the more I think of it. Honored dead also seems fairly Norse, doesn't it?
Edited by feuer_faust, 16 December 2012 - 07:48 AM.
It's a secret to everybody.