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Seraph's Wings


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#1
DarkGuard

DarkGuard

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Hi there guys. A while ago (well a very long while ago) I made a DIY Chapter named the Knights Seraphic. It's nestled in the Librarium now, link is in my sig. Now I haven't been idle in their fluff though, and about a year ago typed up a quick short story, only a couple of pages long. It was after a doubles tournament I went to with the DIY article, with an instruction being to bring background on your army. So I did. But actually the task was to write a short story about why our two forces were fighting with each other. Personally the winning story wasn't that great, and it only focused on one force, so I decided I'd write a short story on my force. The idea was to focus on what Marines do best (fighting), while also naturally imparting some of my Chapter's ways to pique the interest of readers into my Chapter. So this is the result. It's probably very bad, I've never been great at short story writing, I'm awful at dialogue and suspense and everything, but any helpful hints would be much appreciated.


Waaagh!! Carnesir heard the ork’s warcry, and smiled. Turning into the attack the alien bounced off his armour. Disoriented, the greenskin was powerless to prevent Carnesir’s quick, decapitating strike. Two more of the foul beasts closed on him, the first swinging a massive cleaver at his head. The First Captain stepped back, out of the cleaver’s reach, and parried the attack from the other with his blade. He took a third blow on his shoulder guard, before jumping backwards from another blow aimed at his midrift. He was losing too much ground. The first ork came at him again, bellowing curses in its foul, alien tongue. Carnesir stepped inside its arc, striking its head with the pommel of his blade. The greenskin, dazed, was powerless to avoid the powerful bark of gunfire emitting from the First Captain’s wrist-mounted boltgun. The second took a strike at Carnesir, but its blow was easily deflected by the Captain’s blade. Before it could defend itself, Carnesir had already disembowelled it with his two-handed return swing. It fell to its knees, attempting to return its innards to its body. “No mercy”, came the grating voice from the Captain’s helmet, and the ork’s head fell squarely off its shoulders.
Taking a second to look up and inspect his surroundings, First Captain Angrod Carnesir of the Third Company of the Knights Seraphic Chapter looked around the battlefield. His strike cruiser had heard this world’s distress call, and they had quickly deployed to protect the world’s civilians from the greenskin menace. The orks, while having been pushed back with great casualties, had returned, and Carnesir’s Knights Seraphic were fighting to hold them back, allowing the civilians of this city to evacuate. He surveyed his surroundings, taking in every intricate detail. Squad Aravik were to his right, holding the ork horde back with bursts of bolter fire. The Tactical squad had not yet taken a casualty, typical Aravik. To his left, in the ruins of a bombed household, was squad Tatovrai. A Devastator squad, they were wielding heavy bolters, pushing back the orks through weight of fire. But it was not enough; even now Carnesir could see the orks about to break through their fire. And at the centre strode what was undoubtedly their leader, an ork of massive size.
“Atonius?” enquired the First Captain. A burst of static, and then the reply from the Third Company’s Chaplain came.
“First Captain. How may I serve?”
“The orks are breaking through, are you in a position to redeploy?” A pause, then: “affirmative First Captain.”
Carnesir closed the channel knowing what would come next. Rallying the members of his Honour Guard, he held his sword aloft. Distinctive, the blade was two thirds the size of a Marine, honed on one edge. It had a long, double handed grip, while gilded angel wings ran down the base of the blade. Seraph’s wings. Pointing at the oncoming horde, First Captain Angrod Carnesir cried, “For the Emperor, and for Caisus”. The cry echoed around the battlefield, and as it did, Carnesir led his Honour Guard forward Aravik and Tatovrai providing suppression fire. With his homeworld’s name on his lips, Angrod Carnesir crashed into the front rank of the orks, bowling them over with the force of his charge. Beside him his Honour Guard did likewise. His Champion Silus took the head off the lead ork without a breaking a stride. His life long battle-brother and friend, Karidus held his banner aloft, smiting any ork who came too close with his blade.

Angrod blocked one strike with his blade, dodged another and replied with a sweeping strike, disembowling two orks quickly. A high pitched whine alerted him to what would happen next, and Chaplain Atonius alongside the members of Assault squad Dervite crashed into the middle of the ork horde. Jump pack burners incinerated greenskins where they stood, while chainswords hacked into the press around them. Dervite and Atonius smashed skulls in with their thunder hammer and Crozius Arcanum respectively. This intervention opened up the way for Carnesir. Bowling past the disoriented orks in front of him, he charged at the Warboss. The greenskin leader, seeing his intent roared and met his charge swinging his massive cleaver up high. As it came near Carnesir slide onto one knee, allowing the ork’s blade to pass over him, while he himself brought a low blow against his knee, tearing a huge gash out. Using his momentum he came to hit feet, swirling to block the Warlord’s return strike. Their blades caught with neither combatant willing to relent. With a mighty roar, the ork leader pushed Carnesir back, their blades separated, and he lashed out at the First Captain. With nowhere to turn in the press of bodies, his blade low, Carnesir shifted his body, taking the blow on his shoulder. The axe bit deep, and stuck there. Roaring with frustration at not being able to free his blade the ork tried to headbutt the Captain. Ducking beneath it, Carnesir rammed his blade up into the ork’s stomach. Lurching back the ork attempted to punch him. Easily dodging the blow, Angrod pushed forwards. The ork, caught off balance fell onto its back, Carnesir on top of him. Before it could dislodge the Captain, Carnesir had brought his wrist mounted bolter up to the greenskin’s head, and unleashed a hail of bullets into its skull, blowing it out from within. Carnesir took the axe out of his shoulder guard with difficulty, just in time to see an ork rushing at him with murder in its eyes, with no time to grab his sword Carnesir brought the axe up, preparing to meet the ork’s charge. The greenskin came to within a feet of the Captain, and then hit the floor as his skull exploded in a shower of gore. Nearby Karidus stood, banner held aloft. Carnesir extricated his blade and re-joined the fray. As he hacked into the press of bodies, the orks started to break and fall back, demoralised by the fall of their Warlord. “Tatovrai, Aravik, cut them down. Tobias, bring your Speeder squadron and pick off the stragglers”. Confirmation runes confrimed his orders have been heard and Carnesir turned to thank his saviour.

“Thank you for your intervention brother Karidus, although it was quite unnecessary”.
“It is not I you should thank”, replied Karidus, instead nodding towards the ruins. Turning, Carnesir thought he saw a shadow move. Opening a private channel, he said “it seems I have you to thank. Good that your aim is true, brother”. A shadow detached itself from the building, and walked towards the First Captain.
“Redemptor Captain Siriel”, Carnesir greeted him with his full title.
“First Captain Carnesir” replied Siriel. He wore carapace armour, rather than power armour, his cloak shrouded him. In his grip was held a rare stalker pattern boltgun.
“To what do I owe the pleasure?” Although he’d never show it, Carnesir was never comfortable around the Masters of the Redemption Fleets, those forces that sought the Fallen. In his view the quest was a fool’s errand; only service to the Emperor could clear the names of the Dark Angels and their Successors, collectively called the Unforgiven. But the Redemption Fleets hunted their quarry down with a distasteful vigour unbefitting or a Knight of the Imperium.
“I have news to bring, of them.”
“Elaborate, please”
Siriel smiled. “My Pathfinders have tracked a ship to a nearby planet. They have scouted a compound led by one known as “The Truth”. From the information we’ve gleaned, we believe it to be one of the Fallen.”
The First Captain looked away. “And you’re telling me because?”
“We need your help”, answered Siriel.
“Surely your Redemption Fleet has sufficient force for the task. Unless you haven’t noticed, the Third Company is busy here, doing our duty.” replied the First Captain.
“Their forces far outnumber ours, they have corrupted the PDF from the system, and he is operating within a Chaos warband. A swift strike against the command structure could be conducted easily, but then we will suffer loses against the traitor militia. Traitor militia your Third Company will easily push back”. Carnesir was silent. “It is also your duty to uphold the honour of our forebears; I trust you have not forgotten that”.
Carnesir, looked back at him. “Very well, once we have finished here we will accompany you. But I will not leave this world unless I am certain that it is secure.”
“Naturally” replied the Redemptor Captain. At this moment two of his Pathfinders, veterans of the Redemption Fleet who operate as Scouts in the field, started picking their way towards him. Turning to address them, he said, “hunt down the stragglers, scout for the main Ork force, and report back. If necessary, terminate any orks attempting to reconstruct a command structure”. They nodded, and disappeared into the shadows.
Carnesir started to walk towards his Honour Guard, but then paused. Turning, he asked Siriel, “what is the name of the planet?” Siriel’s smile was stretched, “Rytol III” he answered, his face searching for a reaction from the First Captain. Carnesir turned away, his helmet impassive. But underneath his face was wrought with worry and shock. Rytol III. The place his former master and Captain of the Third Company had died. Rytol III, the place where he had struck down the Daemon Prince Ingher, and been promoted to Captaincy. Rytol III, the place Ingher had sworn to get revenge.


I'm not too sure about the ending. The idea I've had is to then do a short story on Rytol III, reflecting on how the Orks were swiftly dealt with, and then a meeting discussing tactics to capturing this Fallen, and then the actual attack itself. The attack may be separate itself. The aftermath of the attack would then lead into an event that I had originally included in my DIY article and is now in an appendix article on my computer. This event would be the attack of a splinter fleet of Tyranids, and is one of Carnesir's finest hours, driving into the main Tyranid force and providing much relief and reinforcements to allow the Chapter to overcome it. The article mentioned that Carnesir and the two Redemption Fleets were absent elsewhere, but that they returned. The short stories would be designed to tell of where they were and what happened.

Just to mention this is a very long term project due to work etc, so I will be slowly working on it.

So I hope you enjoyed reading it, and now take your best shots. ;)

Edited by DarkGuard, 21 May 2012 - 12:10 AM.

IA: Knights Seraphic - Sons of the Lion, Condemners of the Hunt, Knights of the Imperium.
Seraph's Wings - WIP, short story of the Knights Seraphic
Knights Seraphic special characters
Codex: Space Marines 101 - a basic guide to using Codex: Space Marines
Enemies 101 - a basic guide for fighting the armies of WH40K, by Shadowstalker Grim
Sternguard: a Tactical Analysis - a comprehensive guide on using Sternguard Veteran squads in C:SM

#2
DarkGuard

DarkGuard

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Note that I have now decided upon the title of Seraph's Wings for this working project, relating to an early line in the first paragraph about the First Captain's sword. This could change though. Hopefully I'll be able to push forwards with the next part soon as well.
IA: Knights Seraphic - Sons of the Lion, Condemners of the Hunt, Knights of the Imperium.
Seraph's Wings - WIP, short story of the Knights Seraphic
Knights Seraphic special characters
Codex: Space Marines 101 - a basic guide to using Codex: Space Marines
Enemies 101 - a basic guide for fighting the armies of WH40K, by Shadowstalker Grim
Sternguard: a Tactical Analysis - a comprehensive guide on using Sternguard Veteran squads in C:SM

#3
GrimApostle

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Looks good so far.

I'd suggest breaking up the wall of text a bit more just to make it easier to read and go sparingly on the italics.

Other than that, looking good! Keep it up!

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#4
DarkGuard

DarkGuard

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Cheers for commenting on the story, and sorry I took so much time getting back to you. Real life commitments caught up with me, and I found myself with less times on the forums, which unfortunately meant I forgot that.

I'll get the edited in the next couple of days, break the text up more, and then look at expanding it. Thanks. :evil:
IA: Knights Seraphic - Sons of the Lion, Condemners of the Hunt, Knights of the Imperium.
Seraph's Wings - WIP, short story of the Knights Seraphic
Knights Seraphic special characters
Codex: Space Marines 101 - a basic guide to using Codex: Space Marines
Enemies 101 - a basic guide for fighting the armies of WH40K, by Shadowstalker Grim
Sternguard: a Tactical Analysis - a comprehensive guide on using Sternguard Veteran squads in C:SM

#5
Chaplain Dosjetka

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I haven't read the whole text, only the first paragraph (don't have much time), but I can't figure out something: is Carnesir the Third Company Captain or the First Company Captain (unless First Captain is a special title)?

Cheers,

Ludovic

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Accept all challenges, no matter the odds. | You carry the Emperor's will as your torch, with it destroy the shadows. | Suffer not the Heretic to live. | Abhor the Typo.