Jump to content

Welcome to The Bolter and Chainsword
Register now to gain access to all of our features. Once registered and logged in, you will be able to create topics, post replies to existing threads, give reputation to your fellow members, get your own private messenger, post status updates, manage your profile and so much more. If you already have an account, login here - otherwise create an account for free today!
Photo

IA: Broken Arrows

Loyalist White Scars

This topic has been archived. This means that you cannot reply to this topic.
113 replies to this topic

#51
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts

To avoid a painful amount of quoting, I'll just address your points by order of appearance Oct.

1- Yeah, spellcheck fooled me on that one. I went 'doesn't this start with an e?' MSWord said nope. tongue.png

2- As at least a dozen posts in this thread should already show, that has been something of an issue since square one. But, I would say your solution is the best I've heard yet. Having the concept of a broken arrow exist on Lacrum without having the same definition makes more sense than the fits-like-a-prescient-glove solution I've seen so far. I like it.

3- That was actually kind of intentional. I like the idea of the Tribes' skill sounding quasi-supernatural, but the fact that concepts like psychic/sorcerous powers actually exist in the fiction does kind of undermine the subtlety. Still, I think I'll stick with it. Hopefully the Lacrum's Whisper bit will make readers go 'Oh, so that's what that means' before calling the Inquisition on me.  Editing possibly due.

4- It was sort of meant to show an inherent empathy between the Arrows and Tribes, but yeah, I think it's probably a bit much. Editing due.

5- This was one of those 'I hope no one notices' bits. Once again, I should've known that someone in the Liber would eventually catch it. Editing due.

6- Yeah, that should be made more clear. Editing due.

7- Trimming the fat there has been something of a pain already, but I too felt it wasn't perfect yet. The bit about tattling can probably go into the trash, yeah. Editing due.

8- Should I be? tongue.png I got all the bleeding heart sympathetic crap out of my system when I wrote 'IA: The Saviors.' Even then, by the time I was done I felt it was inappropriate for 40k. 'Relentless' doesn't make much sense if they're comfortable with going 'OK, just his one time it's cool.' msn-wink.gif

9- It does imply that, yeah. But rather I intended to portray that it is a fortress, but the gates are left open unless necessary. Not a particularly wise practice either, in the most pragmatic sense, but I like when spirituality conflicts with common sense a bit. Editing possibly due.

10- You have a good point there...again. I'm thinking that they should have exceptional pilots, but not an abundance like the Scars have with bikes. Fewer pilots, but superior ones, given the environment they acquire their skills in. As such, they could still form a core pillar of the Arrows' strategy. Editing due.

11- Actually, 'corps' is a French word to begin with. biggrin.png I think it sounds cool.

12- I never took that into account, to be honest. I didn't think ferocity was actually ingrained into the gene-seed, but then I suppose I should've taken a closer look at my old Index Astartes book before writing that section anyway.  Editing due.

13- Yeah, it needs some trimming. I was quite proud of that 'claws' sentence myself smile.png I've got a handful of lines like that throughout the draft that I'm very attached too. But I think 'omniscient' makes more sense than 'omnipotent,' if we're going to get pedantic msn-wink.gif Editing due.

14- Yeah, I actually already know what to write for their battle-cry. For some reason I didn't include it.

This is awesome. Honestly.

Awww!  wub.png

 

Thanks much.  I've written several IA's in the past, some better than others.  But this is the first one where I've really felt the concept was...'right,' for lack of a better word.  It fits in 40k, but it's just different enough to have a proper identity.  I've already got lots of fanfic and painting/modelling ideas bouncing around in my head to play with once I shore up the foundation with a concrete IA.

 

One concern that keeps popping up to me is the link the Arrows have to the White Scars.  As is, there are only a couple of sentences that even bring them up.  Playing with the gene-seed bit could add a bit to the connection I suppose.  But what I'm asking is are the Arrows strong enough in their identity that readers won't care about their genetic roots, are the mentions of the White Scars sufficient, or do I need to make that link stronger (or just more obvious)?

 

Many thanks for the help I've received so far from all of you!  This was a pretty half baked idea before throwing it into the Liber for peer review and summary beatings. msn-wink.gif


Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#52
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts

3- That was actually kind of intentional. I like the idea of the Tribes' skill sounding quasi-supernatural, but the fact that concepts like psychic/sorcerous powers actually exist in the fiction does kind of undermine the subtlety. Still, I think I'll stick with it. Hopefully the Lacrum's Whisper bit will make readers go 'Oh, so that's what that means' before calling the Inquisition on me. Editing possibly due.

But Lacrum's Whisper comes up AFTER this. (Present things in order. It builds character).

I'd just go with something like "using the winds that bombarded the skiffs to knock raiders from the sky with dancing arrows" or something like that. A bit less sorcery.

5- This was one of those 'I hope no one notices' bits. Once again, I should've known that someone in the Liber would eventually catch it. Editing due.

I see all and know all, except that which I do not. FACT.

8- Should I be?

Not necessarily. Just unusual.

9- It does imply that, yeah. But rather I intended to portray that it is a fortress, but the gates are left open unless necessary. Not a particularly wise practice either, in the most pragmatic sense, but I like when spirituality conflicts with common sense a bit. Editing possibly due.

It's more the way stuff would wander in. tongue.png

10- You have a good point there...again. I'm thinking that they should have exceptional pilots, but not an abundance like the Scars have with bikes. Fewer pilots, but superior ones, given the environment they acquire their skills in. As such, they could still form a core pillar of the Arrows' strategy. Editing due.

It's mostly the speeders that feel really dicey to me. Thunderhawks are tough as hell, and I could certainly see them being able to power through the winds. But on a troop level, I'd expect them to stay on the ground.

11- Actually, 'corps' is a French word to begin with. biggrin.png I think it sounds cool.

So's elite. It may sound cool, but you're effectively just reversing two words to say something that means the exact same thing. You're like the Quebec language police. tongue.png

12- I never took that into account, to be honest. I didn't think ferocity was actually ingrained into the gene-seed, but then I suppose I should've taken a closer look at my old Index Astartes book before writing that section anyway. Editing due.

Well, you've got at least two options. Ferocity could be useful to what you're writing, though I think the geneseed absorbing the traits of the locals would be very interesting. You'd kind of be decreeing how the White Scars' geneseed works, though, so some caution would be required in the presentation.

But I think 'omniscient' makes more sense than 'omnipotent,' if we're going to get pedantic msn-wink.gif Editing due.

Hush.

Thanks much. I've written several IA's in the past, some better than others. But this is the first one where I've really felt the concept was...'right,' for lack of a better word. It fits in 40k, but it's just different enough to have a proper identity. I've already got lots of fanfic and painting/modelling ideas bouncing around in my head to play with once I shore up the foundation with a concrete IA.

It's good stuff. You are right to be pleased with it.

One concern that keeps popping up to me is the link the Arrows have to the White Scars. As is, there are only a couple of sentences that even bring them up. Playing with the gene-seed bit could add a bit to the connection I suppose. But what I'm asking is are the Arrows strong enough in their identity that readers won't care about their genetic roots, are the mentions of the White Scars sufficient, or do I need to make that link stronger (or just more obvious)?

Mentioning them in the gene-seed section would be good. And perhaps a sidebar. But honestly, they feel like White Scars successors as-is (are you paying attention, Ace?), and not really paying much attention to their history is well-explained already. So not mentioning the Scars much is fine. The Stone Hearts never mention the Ultramarines, the Bronze Prophets never mention the *redacted* and the Steel Dogs mention the Fists maybe once or twice. The founding chapter doesn't HAVE to define their successor.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#53
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts

Well, you've got at least two options. Ferocity could be useful to what you're writing, though I think the geneseed absorbing the traits of the locals would be very interesting. You'd kind of be decreeing how the White Scars' geneseed works, though, so some caution would be required in the presentation.

Ohhh...this, this here sounds interesting. biggrin.png

Care to clarify?

Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#54
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts
Well, the White Scars geneseed is suspected to have absorbed the ferocity of the tribespeople on Chogoris (the other explanation is that it's always been that way).

That suggests it'd be possible for the White Scars' geneseed to absorb the traits of any particular population. So your marines could end up with...whatever Lacrite traits you feel appropriate, I guess.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#55
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts

Huh...so then, ferocity isn't a White Scar property, but a Chogorin one?

 

How is it a factor in the Khan's gene-seed then? Or if it's just a matter of amplifying the traits within the hosts, the Whisper's Ghost could very well be an example of the gene-seed absorbing local traits...

 

huh.png


Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#56
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts
It may be. It may not be. That's why one must be careful with it.

"The gene-seed of the White Scars appears to be stable and initially displayed on aberrations or mutation. However, with the introduction of genetic material from the steppes tribesmen, the genome seems to have inherited their wild savagery and thirst for war. Despite the teachings of the Khans and Stormseers, it is not unheard of for tribal feuds to flare up between fello squad members. In addition to this, there have been several recorded instances where White Scars Brotherhoods have bloodily exceeded their mission objectives, such as the infamous `Red Highway Massacre`.

Whether such incidents are as a result of some inherent flaw in the White Scars` genetic material or came about after the integration of the tribesmen is unknown, but the Adeptus Mechanicus is eager to know which. The White Scars successor Chapters, the Rampagers, Marauders, Destroyers and the Storm Lords are all equally ferocious and fine examples of the combat teachings of Jaghatai Khan."

That's the section in question. Ponder to your contentment. smile.png

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#57
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts

Goody goody goody goody!  Oh there are so many ways I can use this!

 

Must show restraint, must show restraint!  Subtlety is key...


Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#58
NightrawenII

NightrawenII

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 2,212 posts

Well, few things.

 

#1 I would say the Throne Guard Incident is at odds with BA's tactics. I mean, you actually talk about tactical retreat in the aforementioned paragraph.

#2 Khan is not name, it's title. ~ I know I'm nitpicking, but it annoys me to no end wherever I see 'Khan's gene-seed' and the like.

#3 To be honest, the 'unyielding determination no matter the odds' feels too much arbitrary = it's credo of Chapter with elusive and evasive combat doctrine.

 

Edit:

I have almost forget... Howl's Moving Castle?msn-wink.gifdevil.gif

 

 

~NightrawenII.


Edited by NightrawenII, 25 February 2013 - 06:18 PM.

It may seem counterintuitive but in ancient warfare, fleeing from battle was usually a good way to get oneself killed.
~ Jeffrey R. Cox - Cascading Failure: The Roman Disaster at Adrianople AD 378

 

Give the peasants neither life nor death.

~ Tokugawa Ieyasu

 

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.

~ Blaise Pascal


#59
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts
The original post has been turned into a proper first draft. smile.png

Well, a first draft with some editing. So like a first and a half draft... tongue.png

Edited by Firepower, 26 February 2013 - 08:48 PM.

Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#60
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts
Nitpicking time!

You should totally come up with a neat title for these:

"BLAHDEBLAH: The Broken Arrows"
(For example, the Night Lords IA is actually "BRINGERS OF DARKNESS: The Night Lords")

SONS OF THE WIND, THE LIGHT IN THE STORM, HOWLING GALE, or something like that.
 

The Broken Arrows’ history is almost entirely a matter of oral tradition. Issues of exact specifics are seen to have value in planning, not retrospect, and stories are considered tools for imparting lessons rather than simple information. Consequentially, pinpointing exact years, locations, and even names from the Chapter’s vast collection of narratives is often a herculean task. Were anyone to take the time to actually attempt such an endeavor in interest of finding the Broken Arrows’ founding or the date of their arrival on their homeworld of Lacrum, best estimates would put both somewhere in the early 34th millennium.

Something like "Determining the origins of the Broken Arrows has been a difficult task for Imperial historians." would introduce this paragraph well. It feels slightly abrupt as-is.
 

Chapter lore has it that the Broken Arrows, successors to the White Scars, were founded on the purpose of hunting the ancestral enemies to all sons of the Great Khan: the dark kin of the Eldar.

"with the purpose" not "on the purpose".

Just calling them Dark Eldar would seem better. Eldar is, after all, a general term, even if it also denotes a specific group.
 

Elusive as the quarry was, the Arrows’ oldest stories speak of a successful campaign of detecting, repelling, and running the xenos raiding parties to ground from system to system, until the hunt brought them to a nexus of their foes' activity, the world of Lacrum.

You should either switch the "as" to "though" or say "Elusive as the Dark Eldar are".

I'd say "tell" over "speak", personally.

You can't repeatedly run things to ground, I think. They'd be run to ground in Lacrum, while being pursued from system to system.
 

Initial scouting of the world revealed unexpected results. Remnants of seemingly human civilization from an age before the Imperium itself were centralized towards the middle of the world’s single super continent, dilapidated and skin-stripped by the planets unrelenting winds, but whole. The Arrows’ investigation also turned up a sizable native human population, though far from the ruins and spread thin amongst nomadic tribes.

It'd be orbital scans and observation flights, I would've thought. A good chance to mention the winds if you do observation flights.

Skin-stripped? I'd cut "but whole", since you just said how they're dilapidated and stripped.

Investigation doesn't seem like a great descriptory term for this. It's not really an investigation.

Your word choice kind of implies the nomadic tribes include nonhumans. Go with "far from the ruins in thinly spread nomadic tribes." Though that makes them sound a bit like jam.
 

The story of first contact with Lacrum’s Tribes is among the closest to the Arrows’ core philosophy and identity, and the first that aspiring initiates into the Chapter learn.

I'd say something like "among the most important to the Arrows'". I think your word choice is weird, and I am judging you for it. msn-wink.gif

Aspiring Initiates is probably redundant. Surely they'd be aspirants. "Into the Chapter" is DEFINITELY redundant. Omit it.
 

‘To find the Tribes here, on a world owned by the enemy, was a shock. We met them, and asked them of their lives, of their world. They told us of the ruins, and how they hid and wandered the mountains to avoid notice by the shadow things that called them home. Our arrival was a threat to that. When they heard our sacred name, they shuddered and grasped at tokens of warding. In those old and haunted days on Mother Lacrum, a broken arrow was a curse among the Tribes, an omen of misfortune and disaster.

The word choice at the first implies some kind of pre-existing relationship, which seems unlikely.

The "them" in the second sentence is a little ambiguous.

Nodding sagely was way more awesome. I meant that you should have the CHAPTER think their name was unlucky and a sign of misfortune. Then the native interpretation makes them respect the wisdom of the Emperor in naming them so. You could have a quote at the start of the section from their founding Chapter Master about how the Emperor had guided him to a name of misfortune, and he hoped it'd all work out. Would also explain why they respect these folks as much as they do.
 

The hunters came the first night on shrieking wings and screaming airboats, and their fears seemed vindicated. The Tribes fought beside us, using bows crafted from the bone and sinew of Mother Lacrum’s beasts. They bombarded the skiffs and knocked wingriders from their mounts with wind-dancing arrows. Our heavier guns of blessed metals met their tally tenfold. By the night’s end, both sides suffered loss, and the xenos fled back to the ruins. The Tribes tended to their fallen and wept for those less fortunate, those dragged off to the hunters’ home, and the many among those still standing regarded us with venomous glares and whispered curses for the disaster they saw as a fault of our arrival.

Hunters is a poor choice of term in this context, since the tribes are hunters too. Distinction in who you're talking about is good.

I'd cut "both sides suffered loss". I mean, duh.

You've got a "the" before "many" that shouldn't be there.
 

But we had a hunt to complete, and we sharpened our anger to an executioner’s edge. We set off for the ruins, and the bravest of the Tribes were allowed a chance for retribution alongside us. They guided us to the quarry's haven, and we walked side by side into the ruins and the caves beneath. The aliens burst forth from their ghostdoors to defend their foothold, and the Tribesmen fought with us to put them into the ground for their trouble. Our mortal allies wanted the ruins destroyed, to see the ethereal thresholds crushed and sealed off forever. We refused, and taught them the true meaning of a Broken Arrow.

If you're in caves, EVERYTHING'S in the ground.
 

It is why we live in these tunnels now. We live in our ancestral enemy’s former lair, we make hunters of their former prey, and we wait with smiles and blades. We are the patient hunters of Mother Lacrum now, letting the wretched devil kin keep their foothold. We took their own fortress, their pathway into our galaxy, and turned it into a bulwark against their return. They must come up to feed, and we are here to punish them for their unholy hunger.'

I'd cut "ancestral", though I can't quite say why.
 

The narrative is archetypical form for the Arrows’ oral traditions. Its historical precision is questionable at best. But more importantly, it teaches that their union with Lacrum and her Tribes was predestined, that all three are of a single purpose: retribution for the uncountable sins of the Dark Eldar.

I'd say "the chapter" instead of "their" in the second sentence. Makes it even clearer who the "three" are (I'll be honest, I was a little confused for a second.

I REALLY think this would be a good place to put the last section. Keeps all that hanging over the rest of the IA. That's a Good Thing.
 

Unlike most Chapters, the Arrows have a familiarity and rapport with their mortal kin, and unlike most mortals the Tribes are largely aware of the true hostility of the galaxy. By mutual respect and frequency of contact, it is little wonder then that local customs and the Chapter’s customs have gradually come to mirror one another. Bone whistles and tokens of feathers created from their homeworld’s most revered and spiritually significant fauna are common fetishes among the Arrows. Iconography and symbols that adorn the Arrows’ armor and flesh are echoes of the tattoos seen among the Tribes. Even common methodologies and tactics are loosely analogous with fundamental strategies of hunting that Arrows learn as humans.

Might want to mention how the Tribes' understanding is limited by their tribal perspective or somesuch.

Also might be worth taking a look at the bit in the Stonebound thread where I list of various relevant things about the White Scars that you might find useful as little touches.
 

But regardless of their motivation and belief, humans who die without blood on their hands are wasted lives. Station and place within the hierarchy of the Imperium, training and background, the weapons and armor available, all are seen as irrelevant. If an opportunity to fight in defense of the Emperor’s domain is presented, the Arrows accept no excuse to do otherwise. Even as child savages, the Arrows learn that life is won by taking it from others, be they beast or man, and those who cower in the face of such a reality are best left to the terminal rewards of their own inaction.

The first part of the first sentence feels awkward. Also, using "their" before what you're referring to is unhelpful.

Also, how do they then view the evacuation of civilians from combat zones?
 

This uncompromising credo has led to ‘diplomatic issues’ on more than one occasion. The Arrows have a particularly notorious tradition with which to browbeat allies that they find wanting, rooted in another piece of Chapter lore pertaining to a war waged alongside a brother Chapter, The Throneguard, against an Ork incursion.

"The Throneguard" should be "the Throneguard".
 

‘They failed. The Throneguard were honored with a chance for glory when we crafted our strategy, and they did not seize it. We fought on and repelled the green tide from the field, but with losses that should not have been nearly as grave.

I'd just even go with: "The Throneguard faltered in their duty, and victory was at risk when it should not have been." You don't really need more (and mentioning losses is bad, because it implies this is about those, rather than the failure of the Throneguard).

>Our
Chapter Master, Cayowakan the Stonesoul, to be Cayowakan the Redeemer in soon coming days, approached them at battle’s end. He sought their Champion, and threw dispersions and curses at his feet, each one with a piece from his holy bolter. He named them cowards, fools, weak and unworthy of His blessings, until he stood with nothing but a receiver rod in his fist. When their Champion accepted the challenge, Cayowakan speared the last fragment of his gun through his skull.

"The Emperor's" not "His". Pronoun confusions is BAD, and you must fight it at all turns.

Also, I'm not sure I'd give Cayowakan an epithet. Or give him one that's more ambiguous, anyway.

To be completely accurate, the contingent of Throneguard, numbering only 30, was unable to join the battle as planned because they diverted to instead cut off an unanticipated attack to the joint force’s flank.

"Other sources in Imperial records" would be better than just some omnipotent declaration.

Similar circumstances throughout the Arrows’ history have invariably been met with an honor duel challenge, with more than a few champions and generals killed by shattered knifes, bits of detritus from the battlefield, and on one particularly infamous occasion the victim’s own discarded rations tin.

Knives.

The Broken Arrows instead labor over their own weaponry in those precious few moments of peace, modifying range, recoil, and sights of their guns, and the payload, rifling and warheads of their ammunition.

"Those" is the wrong word here, since you haven't referred to a particular time or the like.

For every prey there is a perfectly suited weapon, and the Arrows’ battle-brothers take great pride (and no small amount of amusement) in slaying opponents that most would deploy special and heavy weapons against with their lovingly modified standard issue Bolters.

Lovingly-modified standard issue is a bit of an oxymoron.

The Broken Arrows’ fortress monastery, the Howlhalls, resides under the dilapidated remains of Lacrum’s presumably Old Night era civilization, and atop the Dark Eldar webway exits that first brought the Chapter to their homeworld. The ruins themselves were pilfered, eroded and crumbled into empty husks long before the Broken Arrows’ arrival. The labyrinthine tunnel complex underneath them, built by unknown hands (and subtly reinforced into a formidable fortification by the Arrows), has proven much more useful as a home for the Chapter. The winding caverns exit out from dozens of cave mouths peppering the neighboring mountains’ rock faces, each guarded by the impaled skulls of the Arrows’ chosen foes staring inward: a ritual shield against any evil escaping the threshold of the world’s former tormentors.

"Presumably Old Night era" disrupts the flow.

Take out "eroded". In that sentence, you'd normally say "had eroded", and so having it in with the two "were" words makes it sound weird.

The bit about "of the Arrows' chosen foes" also disrupts the flow a bit, I think.

The last bit of the last sentence feels a bit awkward and could use rewording.

The base earned its title from an otherworldly howl that can be heard echoing through the adjacent mountain range for dozens of miles, with pitch, timing and duration changing with Lacrum’s mercurial winds. The complex of caves serves as an enormous wind instrument, creating a constant dull vibration throughout the center holds before building to an unnerving and deafening pitch at the exits. The Arrows regard the phenomenon as a sort of communion with Lacrum, interpreting their world’s wills, omens, and portents by its breath passing through their home.

I'd say "the". "An" implies there could be more.

Timing AND duration would seem to be redundant. Pick one (I'd recommend duration).

Also, an "its" before pitch (or instead of "with") would help, I think.

Wildlife is predominately of avian and reptilian nature. In both cases, the typical adaptation to Lacrum’s environment is either an evolution of bulk and strength to resist and push through the turbulent winds, or an evolution of nimbleness and grace to flow with it. Many species, such as the segmented centipede-like Whipbird and hulking Mammogoth of the lower slopes supply the majority of raw materials Lacrum’s native humans use to survive; bone, pelt, sinew, meat, scales and feathers.

I'd say "Lacrum's wildife is predominantly avian or reptilian. Adaptation to the planet's turbulent winds tends in two directions: either bulk and strength to resist the winds, or grace and nimbleness to flow with them. These creatures, made up of diverse species like the Segmented Whipbird and the Mammogoth, supply the majority of the raw materials Lacrum's natives use to survive."

There's a variety of reasons for that, which I will unpack if you really want me to.

The human population has adapted over the millennia in its own subtle way, a combination of the smallest of mutations lending them an evolutionary edge known colloquially as Lacrum’s Whisper. Primarily a product of an altered inner ear, a slightly enlarged nasal cavity, and a general heightened sensory sensitivity, the Whisper has allowed Lacrum’s natives to effectively function in the turbulent environment. Specifically, the population shares an abnormally acute sense of physical balance and sensitivity to temperature and barometric pressures. Aside from traversing the landscape, the most dramatic demonstration of the Whisper is in the archery based hunting of the Tribes. The humans have what looks outwardly like an unnatural talent for not only overcoming, but utilizing the Lacrum’s winds in their marksmanship, using a combination of advanced fletching techniques and the natural sensitivities of the Whisper to curve shots along crosswinds, updrafts, downdrafts, hot and cold air pockets, etc.. Although no marksman can ever hope to have a flawless record, it is not uncommon for a Lacrum arrow to change course several times in flight before striking the intended target.

Don't say etc.

You should probably cut one of the sets of details. It's a bit much.

The bit about "Although no marksman" is unnecessary. Start the sentence at "It is not uncommon".

The natives consider it a spiritual matter, given the lack of scientific measures or incentives to understand the phenomenon as a product of natural selection. It is known as the Whisper because Lacrum’s people, particularly the hunters, are taught from childhood to focus on the subtlest sensations to effectively utilize their higher level sense perception. Or, in native terms, to listen for Lacrum’s Whisper.

The middle sentence is weak - I recommend removal. I'd find a way to combine this paragraph with the previous one.

TACTICS

Oh, just say Combat Doctrine. It's a more useful term anyway.

* * *

Still good. You're a bit wordier than you need to be, and need to be cautious with your pronouns.

Edited by Octavulg, 27 February 2013 - 06:12 AM.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#61
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts

You're a bit wordier than you need to be

Academia really beat that into me. Stretching singular simple thoughts into 30 page papers eventually makes it hard to be succinct. Just take that sentence for example tongue.png

Most of this is good advice. Nit picking means the hard parts are behind me, and the idea is sound smile.png

The one I'm still fretting over is the name/naming of the Chapter. I don't think the original Chapter Master would choose a name with no meaning attached to it aside from 'bad luck,' even if it was suggested by the Tarot.

There needs to be more to it than that. I have to find a middle ground that doesn't have the Arrows looking like total dopes and doesn't have the Tribes look like mewling cowards. The golden compromise to me would be having the title originally be a concept of bad luck with noble thought, which is later made a more sound and complete philosophy by the wisdom of the Tribes. So 'We're Broken Arrows, and that kinda sucks, but we roll with it because of X. But then we meet these guys, and we find out it's actually pretty badass because it means Y!' With Y being the obvious conclusion.

The alternative is to have broken arrow mean something entirely different to the Chapter before ever finding Lacrum. That will come with its own pile of annoyances.

But seeing as this is sort of the 'hook' part of the story, it's worth the extra effort I suppose. I'll deal with the tittles and quirks of the writing while I ponder.

Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#62
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts

Academia really beat that into me. Stretching singular simple thoughts into 30 page papers eventually makes it hard to be succinct. Just take that sentence for example tongue.png

Tsk tsk. Academia may be stupid, but you shouldn't let it make you so.

The one I'm still fretting over is the name/naming of the Chapter. I don't think the original Chapter Master would choose a name with no meaning attached to it aside from 'bad luck,' even if it was suggested by the Tarot.

Oral history lets you gloss over that a little, though.

There needs to be more to it than that. I have to find a middle ground that doesn't have the Arrows looking like total dopes and doesn't have the Tribes look like mewling cowards. The golden compromise to me would be having the title originally be a concept of bad luck with noble thought, which is later made a more sound and complete philosophy by the wisdom of the Tribes. So 'We're Broken Arrows, and that kinda sucks, but we roll with it because of X. But then we meet these guys, and we find out it's actually pretty badass because it means Y!' With Y being the obvious conclusion.

You could have them see it initially as a challenge from the Emperor. Losses against the Dark Eldar might make them begin to see it as a sign of misfortune, then the tribes turn it around.

Not necessarily what actually happened, mind. Just what they say did now.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#63
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts
Idea:

The original implication of the Broken Arrow was a representation of the Scars (and by extension their successors) while the Khan remained missing and the Dark Eldar remained alive. With their Primarch missing and the enemy responsible still alive, his sons' wrath (arrowhead) was separated from its guidance and unable to fly forward (fletching).

Alternatively, those failings could be seen as a slight on their honor, and the Broken Arrow implies that the Chapter is incomplete so long as that slight is not rectified.

After hunting the Dark Eldar for a while, they begin to realize that the mission itself is impossible to complete. The Broken Arrow comes to represent misfortune.

The hunt takes them to Lacrum, and sagely nods and comments by the Tribes lead to the end conclusion of the Broken Arrow metaphor.

Including a hope of finding the Khan in their basic mission wouldn't really take any significant editing at all. But the alternate option wouldn't necessarily have to include the a search for him at all- a need for revenge against the Dark Eldar would serve as motivation enough.

Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#64
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts
Sounds pretty good, I think.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#65
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts
Another round of editing done, despite this damn BBCode fighting and taunting me every-freaking-STEP of the way. Significant changes made to the Origins section in particular.

Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#66
Messor

Messor

    ++ PROCREATOR COHORS ++

  • ++ MODERATI CEDO ++
  • 1,176 posts
Olha, I honestly think it's a little presumptuous and silly of them to think they could ever eliminate the DE, unless this is a belief shared by the WS and others of their successors. There's a difference between revenging yourself on a race, and making its extermination your life's work. The latter will never bring the Broken Arrows satisfaction. Realizing that it's impossible goes hand in hand with abandoning it as a waste of time, so still holding onto it as a mission(It sounds like it is) seems counter productive. Meeting the tribes should probably enable them to let go of it, and ease the frustration of knowing it's unattainable. Again, if its commonly held among Khans that they'll be the ones to exterminate the DE, then this doesn't apply.

Different tangent, and this is only personal, 'The Unabated Storm' feels like one 'the' too many. Perhaps simply 'Unabated Storms' or 'An Unabated Storm'. I just get like that.

In the origin, I get the need to introduce the Tribes' version of the Broken Arrow meaning, but the way its going right now is strange. The Tribesman stop them pursuing their mutual ancestral enemy...for philosophy? From then on I'm unclear on whether or not the DE are still there. As a whole, the origin is an epic laced with bad:cuss-ness

The Black Horizons section is vaguely named, 'Black Horizons' seems more like a prefix, like your Unabated Storms. What to call it, I don't know. Recent History? Notable History? It'd also help to tie it to the theme: "Like the skies of Lacrum before a storm..."

Beliefs, nailed it, with the possible exception of the 'exterminate the DE' bit. Point of curiosity, was Cayowakan the CM when the Throneguard incident went down? I feel like its not as impressive for a CM to beat down a Champion.

Homeworld. Difference between oppressively constant and constant and oppressive is distinct, so make sure its what you want. It came across as ambiguous/unintended. Another personal thing(read: nitpick), I try as much as possible to avoid parenthesis in IA's. That always breaks me out of the 'I'm reading an Index Astartes article' groove.

Organization, solid. Combat Doctrine, solid. Gene-seed, love it, especially the potential threat to the Chapter's future. I like the idea of the War Cry, but am failing completely to imagine it.

Edited by Messor, 02 March 2013 - 05:33 AM.

gallery_26154_15777_721.png

The Liber; it's like a Biscopea for DIYs!

Messor's Content


#67
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts

Olha, I honestly think it's a little presumptuous and silly of them to think they could ever eliminate the DE, unless this is a belief shared by the WS and others of their successors. There's a difference between revenging yourself on a race, and making its extermination your life's work. The latter will never bring the Broken Arrows satisfaction. Realizing that it's impossible goes hand in hand with abandoning it as a waste of time, so still holding onto it as a mission(It sounds like it is) seems counter productive.

Hmm, fair point. Perhaps it's not so much 'We can never kill them all,' and more 'we can never kill enough.' A sense of pragmatic fatalism lends to the Broken Arrow metaphor, but I suppose it may be too much to go all the way with it.

Different tangent, and this is only personal, 'The Unabated Storm' feels like one 'the' too many. Perhaps simply 'Unabated Storms' or 'An Unabated Storm'. I just get like that.

I had the same issue, to be honest. 'The Unabated Storm' sounds wicked. But adjacent to 'The Broken Arrows' it sounds kinda...off. But until I come up with something better, I feel the former outweighs the latter. smile.png

In the origin, I get the need to introduce the Tribes' version of the Broken Arrow meaning, but the way its going right now is strange. The Tribesman stop them pursuing their mutual ancestral enemy...for philosophy? From then on I'm unclear on whether or not the DE are still there. As a whole, the origin is an epic laced with bad:cuss-ness

Is that the good cuss or the bad cuss?

It's not that the pursuit of the enemy is halted. I feel I need to sneak in there that it's only the one reserve company that actually stays on Lacrum while the rest continue to pursue any leads on the DE, but I at least suggest as much in the Organization section. Rather, the Tribes simply convince them not to smash the webway gates in what will become the Howlhalls, instead setting up shop on top of them as an epic middle finger to the DE that escaped the initial purge.

The Black Horizons section is vaguely named, 'Black Horizons' seems more like a prefix, like your Unabated Storms. What to call it, I don't know. Recent History? Notable History? It'd also help to tie it to the theme: "Like the skies of Lacrum before a storm..."

I'm honestly not sure what to do with this. Recent History was the original name, but it lacked in epic ominous...ness. Perhaps simply adding a bit to the header itself, like 'Black Horizons: The Coming Nemesis.' I think it looks better than naming it 'Recent History' and slipping in an epic first sentence about Black Horizons and Oncoming Storms. [Vaguely relevant note- Yay Dr. Who! Still tempted to make a Weeping Angels chapter]

I feel like its not as impressive for a CM to beat down a Champion.

Good point. I will meditate on this...where's that Ohm emoticon?

Homeworld. Difference between oppressively constant and constant and oppressive is distinct, so make sure its what you want. It came across as ambiguous/unintended. Another personal thing(read: nitpick), I try as much as possible to avoid parenthesis in IA's. That always breaks me out of the 'I'm reading an Index Astartes article' groove.

I will take this (anal retentive) note on parenthesis into consideration. msn-wink.gif

I like the idea of the War Cry, but am failing completely to imagine it.

Well, it was a vague reference to the loose Native American theme I'm working from. Think every stereotypical warcry you would hear in a 'Cowboys n' Indians' show, but through a voxgrill.

Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#68
Messor

Messor

    ++ PROCREATOR COHORS ++

  • ++ MODERATI CEDO ++
  • 1,176 posts

Firepower, on 01 Mar 2013 - 23:18, said:
Is that the good cuss or the bad cuss?

It's not that the pursuit of the enemy is halted. I feel I need to sneak in there that it's only the one reserve company that actually stays on Lacrum while the rest continue to pursue any leads on the DE, but I at least suggest as much in the Organization section. Rather, the Tribes simply convince them not to smash the webway gates in what will become the Howlhalls, instead setting up shop on top of them as an epic middle finger to the DE that escaped the initial purge.

Good cuss. Badass. I think the epic middle finger would come off better if it was the Broken Arrows' idea. As it is, it sounds more like the tribes saying "nah, don't worry about it" instead of "stick it to 'em". Could just be me, though.

Quote
I'm honestly not sure what to do with this. Recent History was the original name, but it lacked in epic ominous...ness. Perhaps simply adding a bit to the header itself, like 'Black Horizons: The Coming Nemesis.' I think it looks better than naming it 'Recent History' and slipping in an epic first sentence about Black Horizons and Oncoming Storms. [Vaguely relevant note- Yay Dr. Who! Still tempted to make a Weeping Angels chapter]

It would have more meaning if the other sections had different headings as well. Black Horizons in the middle of Origin, Organization, Combat Doctrine, sticks out instead of blending.

Quote
I will take this (anal retentive) note on parenthesis into consideration. msn-wink.gif

msn-wink.gif

Quote
Well, it was a vague reference to the loose Native American theme I'm working from. Think every stereotypical warcry you would hear in a 'Cowboys n' Indians' show, but through a voxgrill.

Oh I got that, just not calling it up.

gallery_26154_15777_721.png

The Liber; it's like a Biscopea for DIYs!

Messor's Content


#69
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts

It would have more meaning if the other sections had different headings as well. Black Horizons in the middle of Origin, Organization, Combat Doctrine, sticks out instead of blending.

Fair point. But the orthodox Liberites might burn me at the stake if I title them 'The Dawn,' 'Black Horizons,' 'Spirit of the Arrow,' 'Mother Lacrum,' 'Tribes Ascended,' 'Ways of the Hunt,' 'Gift of the Great Khan,' and 'The Call of War.'

Although that does sound kinda cool...

Ah, the eternal tug of war between self expression and public immolation.

Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#70
Messor

Messor

    ++ PROCREATOR COHORS ++

  • ++ MODERATI CEDO ++
  • 1,176 posts
Let self expression win. Those're good headings. If you catch flak, add on the old stuff as post script. I used to chain myself to the almighty template(actually, I still mostly do), but its not necessary, and in this case I think you would benefit from cutting loose.

gallery_26154_15777_721.png

The Liber; it's like a Biscopea for DIYs!

Messor's Content


#71
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts

Different tangent, and this is only personal, 'The Unabated Storm' feels like one 'the' too many. Perhaps simply 'Unabated Storms' or 'An Unabated Storm'. I just get like that.

I concur with Messor on this.

That said, I think Black Horizons is fine. Also, IA: IF, IA:SW, IA:BA, IA:NL, and IA: BL all have similar things. Most less poetical and metaphorical than "Black Horizons", but I think it works well enough. It seems a bit ominous, and then people read it and get the metaphor. It works, and it works well.

Regardless, don't you dare start renaming all the sections. Section headings are supposed to make things clearer, not obfuscate them. The solution to Black Horizons seeming confusing is NOT to make all the rest of the section headings less clear. tongue.png

Edited by Octavulg, 02 March 2013 - 08:01 PM.

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08


#72
Messor

Messor

    ++ PROCREATOR COHORS ++

  • ++ MODERATI CEDO ++
  • 1,176 posts
Black Horizons: Recent History
Tribes Ascended: Organization

Problem with things like that, is it gets wordy/obtrusive. It wouldn't in a particularly long document(where it'd end up being more like a chapter title), but since IAs are not meant to be really long...its an awkward situation, any way you slice it. Some of the other ones are pretty stand alone/clear though. Like Ways of the Hunt, Mother Lacrum, even Gift of the Khan is pretty easy to figure out.

gallery_26154_15777_721.png

The Liber; it's like a Biscopea for DIYs!

Messor's Content


#73
Firepower

Firepower

    +FRATER DOMUS+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 10,357 posts

On the title, perhaps reversing order and dropping a 'the'- BROKEN ARROWS: THE UNABATED STORM

 

An Unabated Storm or Unabated Storms sound kind of...weird. 

 

On the secondary titles, hmm.  RECENT HISTORY and CURRENT EVENTS take a lot of fun out of it.  But naming everything dramatically would admittedly be a bit confusing, especially as subjects occasionally melt into multiple sections.

 

The multi-titles might work, or it might be too clunky.  Perhaps if I make the dramatic versions a bit shorter to compensate for the joining.


Suffer not the xeno psyker kitten, as to it the souls of man are but balls of yarn and jingly amusements!
Brother Chaplain Kage: "I don't think anything makes Firepower happy."
gallery_38474_6916_27314.jpggallery_38474_6916_19616.jpgBT_Chaos_at_the_Gates_Banner.gifgallery_38474_6916_5384.jpggallery_29004_6198_9307.pngsml_gallery_29004_10691_1994.pnggallery_38474_6917_1744.pnggallery_38474_6916_16905.png
Templars a la Firepower -- IA: Broken Arrows -- Broken Arrows WIP Blog -- My Crummy Sketches


#74
Messor

Messor

    ++ PROCREATOR COHORS ++

  • ++ MODERATI CEDO ++
  • 1,176 posts
Both of those idea could work well. Good solution to the article title, I think.

gallery_26154_15777_721.png

The Liber; it's like a Biscopea for DIYs!

Messor's Content


#75
Octavulg

Octavulg

    +LEXICANIUM+

  • + FRATER DOMUS +
  • 8,018 posts
Thing is, the titles don't work like that. Chapter name's the subtitle. When I read that, I think the chapter's the Unabated Storm (in part because "The" is almost always in front of Chapter names). You could just do Endless or Eternal or some similar word instead of Unabated.

If you change "Black Horizons" to "Dark Horizons", I think it removes some of the ambiguity (since it sounds less like a name for something) and you'd still get the same effect. I really think you're trying to solve a very minor problem with a sledgehammer, though - it doesn't stick out that much. Hell, it'd barely stick out at all if it didn't have a big shiny blue header around it. tongue.png

Proud author of the Ice Lords, the Bronze Prophets, the Stone Hearts, the Steel Dogs and the The Marines Tenebric.

The Octaguide - Your very long guide to very long IAs

Help me update the Big Liber Timeline!

"Wake up. Pray. Train. Pray. Drop screaming through the atmosphere from low orbit into a raging battlefield, and take the fight to enemies that may outnumber us by as little as three to one. Do battle with the most horrific enemies of mankind imaginable and charge into lines of weapons that could shred a tank into ribbons. Afterward, lunch, time permitting." - Marshal Arturas, 15/05/08