The Enemy Within book 1: The Demon

[Grand Master Aldric]

This is the complete prologue for my inquisitor story. enjoy and C and C welcome!  

Prologue: It was a dark and stormy night. The rain had just stopped, and inquisitor Loris Triestan Rogers was hot on the trail of the red fish chaos cult leader. ''It seem as though he wants me to be able to follow him.'' Loris thought to himself . Continuing on through inch deep rainwater Loris made a right turn and went straight until coming to a dead end. He looked behind his back to make sure no one was waiting to attack him. Pushed at the wall. It opened slightly, loris pushed all the way open.

It was dark dank and smelt like soggy cardboard. He drew his bolt pistol and took three steps forward looking left and right for possible enemy’s. Loris heard a squeak he snapped his head right and saw a rodent skitter across the floor. Bring his bolt pistol up loris fired above were here saw the rodent come from. Something fell and smacked against the floor. Then he saw the shape of something lunge at him. Loris fired twice another thing fell to the floor. Loris turned around and continued on trough the tunnel. Loris came to a door, an old fashioned wooden door with a with a metal knob.

''How quaint.'' loris thought. Using his psychic ability’s Loris sensed three people behind the door. Grabbing a grenade off his belt loris twisted the door knob and opened the door a little then tossed the grenade in. The gas grenade went off and they started coughing Loris rushed in drawing a stun gun using his psychic ability’s loris pinpointed three targets. Firing three times he hit them all on the mark dropping them all. When the smoke cleared Loris saw that his target was not here.

''Damn'' he whispered. Loris reached up to his ear and pressed his com-link. ''loris to Raven tell the magistratum to move in.''

''Roger.'' Raven replied. ''Oh and Ziria's investigation turned up dry.'' Thought it would.'' Getting up clearly with effort one of the heretics tried to attack loris with an axe but loris stepped to the side. The axe cut in the loris's Gray coat pulling it away and revealing his power armour. Loris kick the mutant in the stomach making him topple over in pain. Just then four magistratum officers stormed in.

''SECURE THEM'' shouted the lead magistratum officer. The other three moved forward and bound the heretics.

''You seem to have everything under Control inquisitor.'' said the lead officer. ''Hhhmmm.'' replied Loris. Just then Loris sensed something through the wall at the front of the room. He was about to say something but it was too late. The thing burst through the wall and impaled the first officer. The monster was big with long blades were hand should have been. It had five eyes and long fang-like upper canine teeth. The thing tossed the officer aside and roared it was more like a high-pitched scream mixed with a hiss. The other three magistratum officers opened fire with their auto-guns . It did not seem to hurt the creature much just make scream more which extremely painful to ones ears. Loris shoved the monster back with his mind sending the mutant into the wall. Then it fell over from the force of the pys-wave and Loris dropped to one knee. As the creature got up a man clad black kaskrin armour rushed in, saw the monster then started firing his hell gun on full auto. The las bolts went right through the mutant as it was getting up, it fell back down immediately. One of the dark blue magistratum officers rushed over to the aid of their wounded comrade.

''Thanks Raven.'' Said Loris. ''Welcome Loris.'' Raven replied. Raven removed his helmet to reveal strongly built face of blonde hair and brown eyed man somewhere in his late 30's. A thin woman with brown hair green, eyes in her mid-20's wearing a hardened body clove strode in accompanied by two magistratum offices.

''You okay Loris?''

''Just fine Ziria.''Loris said standing up.

''Looks like another tunnel ahead.''

Said Raven. Loris strode over to him and said:

''yeah we should get going.

'' Shouldn’t we wait for Rigal?'' ''Our target might escape while we wait.''

''Then lets get going.'' All three of the turned to see the source of the voice: Rigal Edwards the interrogator. ''Well? Come on.'' he said while crossing the room. Rave look at Loris shrugged put his helmet on and began walking to the hole in the wall. Loris and Zirria started walking too. Rigal said :

''Geez what’s that?'' As he was stepping over the dead mutant. ''Dead I hope.'' Zirria said. The four of them walked until coming to another door. ''I hear thrusters.'' said Raven. ''Damn it.'' Loris cursed. Loris kicked the door open only to find a lander flying off into the early dawn. ''RAVEN!'' Loris shouted ''Already on it.'' Raven responded while firing his hell gun. But it was already out of range. Loris pressed the com-link in his ear ''Loris to magistratum HQ track red flyer within a mile of my homing beacon.'' Roger.'' magistratum HQ responded. ''Wait.. we can't!'' ''Why not! Loris said. ''It might have a cloaking field!'' Loris look up but the flyer was gone. Hidden behind the hive spire. ''Lock down the area don't let any ships leave!'' loris said. ''We already did that sir.'' ''Good.'' It was four hours later and none of the ships here had red landers. Loris had then told the magistratum to unlock the area and left reina 5.

[Grand Master Aldric]

So this is what I have written up so far for chapter 1. Enjoy!
 

chapter 1 the hunt It had been a year since that annoying incident on Reina 5 and my team had grown some. I looked around at my team. The first was Raven, my oldest acolyte, I had gotten him from the blood hound chapter system PDF. Then I looked at Rigal my interrogator a man of redish-brown hair, brown eyes and a wealthy family. Next I saw Zirria she was my psyker and more then a little unfriendly next was sirrena my blunter but only 10 so a little young to take in to combat. my medic graphe was not here he was up in the medical bay checking through the Supplies to see if we need any thing before we leave. And me? Well im a man of 29 Standard years brown hair and blues eyes, I am a beta grade psyker and at the moment very tired. Graphe came down the stair way behind me ''Were ready sir.'' he said ''Alright, tell the captain to get ready to leave.'' I responded ''okay.'' Graphe says as he goes back up the stairs. Sirrena came over. ''Are we leaving?'' She asked. I was happy to see that the albinos limiter was active. ''Yes.'' I responded. She nodded and walked off to the stairs. I went to the other stair case toward the bridge. Once I got the bridge I found captain Ferro quickly by his bright purple coat with gold out line. I strode over to the captain. ''Captain.'' I whispered. ' The startled captain turned around in a half jumping ''You never cease to amaze me at how you manage to sneak up on me like that.'' ''You need to be more observant of your surroundings.'' I said. ''Well I don’t think you came all the way up here to scare me.'' the captain said. ''Your right Ferro, I came to tell you that we need to head to the xion system. Nothing more then a little chaos cult thought to lead up to the planetary governor on xion 6.'' '' Fine.'' Ferro replied. ''I will be my room if you need me.'' I said. ''Ill inform you of the time it will take once we have a course set.'' Ferro said as Loris left the bridge. I went to my room and sat on my bed. my room was rather plain with a bed an armoury, a kitchen and a video screen. I awoke on my bed I must have fallen asleep. The vox chimed ''Sir its Ferro we have a course set it should take about a 2 days to get to xion 6.'' I clicked the wall vox button. ''Good that’s about perfect.'' I replied. I sent a vox message to all my team telling them to report to the main cargo bay in 10 minutes. IT was 9 minutes later and all of my team was assembled in main cargo bay. ''In two days we will be on a planet known as xion 6'' To investigate a possible chaos cult which may have links to the planetary governor ''It is a imperial world and a vacation spot for the upper class of the system''. ''I have given each of you aliases and I want you to study them carefully for the next 2 days.'' I said as I passed out folders to all of my team. ''That is all.'' I said and all of my team began to leave, except Rigal who was busy reading the folder I had given him. As I walked by he said: ''Merry Rondona?'' 'Yes what of it?'' I responded. ''Oh nothing just a strange name.'' He replied. ''Well get used to it because after 2 days its what you'll be called for a while.'' The next day everyone was busy getting ready to go down to xion 6 tomorrow. There was a lot to do, ready our lander, get our Jeep in the lander. We had to load weapons and extra suits of kaskrin armour in to our chimera. Then load the chimaera under another lander in case we needed it quickly. And finally we had to practice being our aliases. ''All right listen up heres the plan.'' I said. ''When we go down tomorrow we need to be prepared. ''First our aliases, Rigal, zirria, and Sirrena you’ll be a noble family on vacation.'' ''And we'll be your bodyguards 1 for 1.'' I brought a map of the city we'll be going to up on the screen. '' We will need to check out these 4 locations.'' I said as I used a controller to circle in red the 4 areas. I pointed to the first. ''A bar.'' ''Rigal you will go here with Graphe.'' I pointed to the second. ''A gambling house.'' ''Zirria, me and you will go here. Then I pointed to the third. ''A jewellery store.'' ''Raven, you and Sirrena will go here.'' Then I pointed to the fourth. ''and finally all of us well go here, a hotel.'' ''We'll spend the night here and investigate in the dark.''

On the day of are arrival in the xion system everything and everyone was ready. When we left the warp into realspace the first thing

we saw was a bright gold star that when looked at cause temporary blindness. As the ship came to port our lander left the launch bay and we descended towards the planet. When we landed the first things we saw were the enormous buildings that went so high that the tops were difficult to see. I looked around to make sure that everyone was ready, first here was Rigal in a sky blue suit with a frilly white shirt beneath his open top coat and cuffs so frilly they look like the were alive. Next was Zirria ans Sirrena, both of the wore white dresses with blue rose designs circling around the waist and bottom. As I look at them Zirria gave me the most unfriendly glare, then I remembered how hard it had been to get her to ware anything but an armoured body glove. I sighed and looked at Raven and Graphe, both of them like me were wearing black kaskrin armour. Raven was carrying a hellgun with an under slung grenade laucher and Graphe a long las with a under slung plasma pistol ,lastly me with a bolter and power sword. ''Alright break into your teams and follow the plan.'' I said. Even before I finished my sentence everybody already been forming into their teams, and so we set off all in three totally different directions. As me and Zirria made our down the street I noticed the large amount of multi coloured birds flying all around, the were very pretty with green bodies red necks purple heads and yellow tipped wings. When we reach the gambling house it was more then I had expected to say the least a white silver building with gold doors and carvings coving most of the building. ''Well lets get this over with.'' I said. When we entered the the building we were stopped by a guard who said: ''No weapons allowed.'' I sighed as I turned over my bolter and power sword to the guard. Then Zirria went over to the nearest counsel and started playing, I on the other and qiuckly went out of camera view, made sure no one was watching then swept my camiloline coat over myself and made my way to the back of the building. I went one of the doors leading into the staff part of the building and wait for one of the gold dressed workers to go into this door then I swiftly followed getting in just before the door closed behind me. ''Well'' Loris sighed.''There was nothing.'' At least nothing pointing to the presence of a chaos cult.'' ''same here.'' said raven. ''Us also.'' said rigal. They all sighed. ''By the way does it seem kinda empty around here or is it just me.'' Asked Graphe. ''Good point.'' I said ''Raven you got here first did you see anybody?'' ''Yes but they were being told at the front desk that the water in their room was under maintenance and that they would transfer them to a different hotel in the business chain.'' Raven replied. Just then the lights went out and Serena who was sleeping suddenly awoke. Me and Raven went out with our night vision and came down into the lobby. Just as we finished getting of the stairs we came under las-fire and I jumped behind a desk , Raven behind a pillar. We returned fire and raven used his grenade launcher to good effect blowing up desk and other things were the las fire came from. After about ten minutes the fire fight ended we check around the lobby and found the broken bodies of seven men in pink robes with mark the slaneesh upon them. ''Apparently we were right about the hotel.'' Raven said.I went down the hallway and Raven stayed behind

[Grand Master Aldric]

 The story's name has been changed and chapter 1 fixed.

[Akragth]

In the nicest possible way, you really need to fix the formatting. The story lacks any paragraphing, which is absolutely imperative if you want what you write to actually be read. 

 

You need paragraphs where a new speaker first speaks. You need them when you start a new topic, or when time shifts forward. Slower parts can use longer paragraphs, and faster paced parts should use smaller paragraphs. There are other errors in your grammar, but they can largely be ignored in this context. Paragraphing, though, is essential in any story, it can never be ignored. Currently I see that gigantic clump of text, and it hurts my eyes to look at. My brain says ''nah, not reading that'' because my eyes can't focus on it. 

 

Presumably you posted it here to be read, and possibly for some feedback, and I for one would be willing to do both. But at the minute to read this I would have to copy it out, and break it in to paragraphs myself. So as it is right now you're making me do work for the pleasure of being able to read it, and that's for you to do, not me.

[Grand Master Aldric]

In the nicest possible way, you really need to fix the formatting. The story lacks any paragraphing, which is absolutely imperative if you want what you write to actually be read. 

 

You need paragraphs where a new speaker first speaks. You need them when you start a new topic, or when time shifts forward. Slower parts can use longer paragraphs, and faster paced parts should use smaller paragraphs. There are other errors in your grammar, but they can largely be ignored in this context. Paragraphing, though, is essential in any story, it can never be ignored. Currently I see that gigantic clump of text, and it hurts my eyes to look at. My brain says ''nah, not reading that'' because my eyes can't focus on it. 

 

Presumably you posted it here to be read, and possibly for some feedback, and I for one would be willing to do both. But at the minute to read this I would have to copy it out, and break it in to paragraphs myself. So as it is right now you're making me do work for the pleasure of being able to read it, and that's for you to do, not me.

Okay well I think I fixed it but if you want real paragraphs you will have to hold on because I just found out that my tab key suddenly started working again. Thank for the feed back!

[Sanguine_Knight]

You can just hit enter at the end of a sentence, maybe twice, it may not indent but at least there will be some spacing. That's just in case the tab key is still wonky. But I agree with Akragth, it is very tough to read as is.

[Grand Master Aldric]

fixed.

[Grand Master Aldric]

story edited and arrrgh! i hate trying to do formatting.

[Draakur]

I'm still seeing huge chunks of text largely, though I am on my phone. First post looks like it's been slightly edited but not much, second still looks like one enormous paragraph. Is it meant to be changed?

[Grand Master Aldric]

I'm still seeing huge chunks of text largely, though I am on my phone. First post looks like it's been slightly edited but not much, second still looks like one enormous paragraph. Is it meant to be changed?

Only the top one is fixed.