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Ellipsis Chapter

TheLordMarshal

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#1
The Lord Marshal

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new chapter that is basically loyalist alpha legion chapter (although not descended from them).  the lack of clarity is intended to make people form their own opinions about the chapter loyalty and origins.

 

++++Inquisitorial Index Astartes++++

+++++Classified File+++++

++++Ellipsis++++

++Status: Incomplete++

 

+++++Clearance: Alpha-Omega-Epsilon+++++

++++Accepted++++

 

Ellipsis Chapter

 

Founding: *Classified/Redacted*

Progenitor: *Classified/Redacted*

Homeworld: Unknown

Primary Sector of Operation: Ghoul Stars

 

Ghoul_Stars_Map.jpg

 

History

 

The Ellipsis Chapter Astartes were created primarily to investigate the Ghoul Stars and keep the alien threats at bay or destroy them completely.  This requires them to work closely with the Death Spectres Chapter and the Ordo Xenos, including the Deathwatch.  Both chapters are commended for there vigilance and their contributions to our understanding of the xenos of the Ghoul Stars.  Their secondary purpose is to execute missions of infiltration on suspected renegade Imperial forces and chaos cults.  Few are aware of this secondary mission, and none but the Inquisition and Highest Authorities in the Imperium have clearance to know anything more.  Any individual who comes to investigate or suspect their secondary purpose and does not have clearance is arrested by the Inquisition.  All data on their origins has been wiped from records.  Investigations suggest they are of very early founding, possibly even 2nd founding.  They operate in the shadows, their lives are secrets and each understands that secret will one day take their life.  But that is the price they pay, so that the Imperium might live.

 

Combat Doctrine

 

The Marines are experts in stealth operations.  They operate as a single operative, a small team or several squads at most.  Their armor is nearly identical and devoid of ornamentation.  They make use of bolter suppressors, gas grenades, ancient distortion devices to operate covertly.  They prefer to use bolters, combat knives and power swords as they are easier to conceal and quieter to use.  Additionally, their starships are painted in a dark almost black blue and are suspected of being equipped with stealth technology. They are known to utilized non-Astartes agents through their operations as well.  They also make use of more apothecaries than most chapters as they are needed to study the xenos of the Ghoul Stars.  They operate secret projects, infiltrate hostile groups and covertly eliminate hazards.  They have secret cells, agents and research projects throughout known space, many of which are operated on behalf of the Inquisition Ordos.  They infiltrated chaos cults, alien worlds, enemy projects even imperials organizations.  Each battle-brother is trained to handle anything, every aspect of Astartes warfare. Hence there are no dedicated assault, devastator, biker marines etc.  

 

Recruitment

 

It is unknown where specifically the Ellipsis Chapter recruits from, but it is known to be many worlds throughout the Imperium.  They draw non-Astartes operatives from anywhere, human organizations, Adeptus Mechanicus, and non-Imperial worlds.

 

*to be edited properly later*   "Remember, know your enemy better than he knows himself.  You must break them before you engage them, only then will you ensure victory."  - Astartes Source Unknown

 

Known Operations

 

Several operations by the Ellipsis Chapter have been executed on the orders of the Inquisition, but not all.  The chapter's operations in the Ghoul Stars requires that they often operate autonomously so there operations that have not been documented.

 

  • Vertigo 75-G1 Installation - Classification: Sigma-Omega-Epsilon Clearance - Location: Asylus Belt, Ghoul Stars - Mission: Listening/Weapons Experimentation/Supply Depot/Intelligence Post - Personnel: Protected and operated by Ellipsis Chapter and AdMech

 

*needs work here. also thinking of putting in ops reports*

 

Marine Images

 

Color Scheme: Necron Abyss, Blue #1f415c, Charadon Granite, Astronomican Grey, Enchanted Blue

 

EC typical Marine
Album: Ellipsis Chapter
7 images
0 comments

 

 

 

+++++Close File+++++

+++++++Firewalls Re-calibrating+++++++


Edited by The Lord Marshal, 27 April 2017 - 07:13 PM.

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#2
Ecritter

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Mystery for mystery sake adds nothing, it  really just takes away opportunity to write well about a chapter only you know everything about.

 

Edit:  And you do know just how impossible it is for a 7 foot tall man in power armor to be quiet is ... right?


Edited by Ecritter, 07 May 2014 - 04:22 PM.


#3
The Lord Marshal

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its more like an excuse for me to have my own alpha legion-ish loyalist chapter

 

i might write some operational reports


Edited by The Lord Marshal, 07 May 2014 - 04:21 PM.

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#4
Lord Commander Scrymgeour

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You could use the GK rule set, coteaz as an HQ to open up scoring operatives, and those teleporter ones as your super stealthy Astartes



#5
Dizzyeye

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Thing is, alpha legion are not just based on stealth operations. They attack from the least likely position, putting their foes down as quickly as possible. No affence is meant here and this just looks like mysteries chapter number 253 who -nobody- knows anything about. Killing -anyone- who even see's them? Not even the Alpha Legion went that far. You may want to consider a chapter that works a lot with the big Inquisition, meaning lots of their work is classsified.

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#6
The Lord Marshal

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You could use the GK rule set, coteaz as an HQ to open up scoring operatives, and those teleporter ones as your super stealthy Astartes

 

i dont do table top, just models.

 

Thing is, alpha legion are not just based on stealth operations. They attack from the least likely position, putting their foes down as quickly as possible. No affence is meant here and this just looks like mysteries chapter number 253 who -nobody- knows anything about. Killing -anyone- who even see's them? Not even the Alpha Legion went that far. You may want to consider a chapter that works a lot with the big Inquisition, meaning lots of their work is classsified.

 

They dont just kill anyone who sees them. Anyone is a threat is anyone who sees that they are not what seem to be, which would be an odd occurance.  But the alpha legion was involve in my covert ops.  They even killed their own legionaires (The Serpent Beneath in The Primarchs).  In terms of classified operations for the Inq, yes some of their ops would be such, but certainly several would not be. 


Edited by The Lord Marshal, 07 May 2014 - 05:18 PM.

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#7
Dizzyeye

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Due to the Inquisition focusing on Chaos I doubt they would publish a report on the very thing they are trying to keep a lid on. They even had the Grey Knights chasing after guardsmen forces who were involved with the First War of Armageddon just because they heard of daemons and chaos. That though shouldn't stop you saying they fought in certain battles, just the Imperium man wouldn't.

Also just because the Alpha Legion killed their own men doesn't allow your chapter to kill other Astartes because of knowing your existance. The only guys who could are the Grey Knights due to being associated with the Inquisition.

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#8
The Lord Marshal

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the idea depends on them having clearance for that, which they do.  plus the IA is a INq file thumbsup.gif


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#9
Dizzyeye

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Just seems a bit too snow flakey to me honestly, "very special Astartes" just screams that.

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#10
The Lord Marshal

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well i admit that i hate that phrase. ill replace it later but i just wanted to get the ideas out


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#11
Plague Angel

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Mystery for mystery sake adds nothing, it  really just takes away opportunity to write well about a chapter only you know everything about.

 

Edit:  And you do know just how impossible it is for a 7 foot tall man in power armor to be quiet is ... right?

 

And yet Raven Guard seem to do it somehow.



#12
Ecritter

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Mystery for mystery sake adds nothing, it  really just takes away opportunity to write well about a chapter only you know everything about.

 

Edit:  And you do know just how impossible it is for a 7 foot tall man in power armor to be quiet is ... right?

 

And yet Raven Guard seem to do it somehow.

If you're talking about the RGs use of "Wraith Slipping" you should just suggest he out right steal something only one chapter out of a thousand manages to do using a very specialized combination of mental discipline and martial art.



#13
Banelord

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Hmmm interesting but I think they would be stepping on the toes of the “Officio Assassinorum”. TBH the office of assassins would be the Inquisition first choice for anything sneaky. I think you need to define their roll more, what do they do different from the Assassins, Deathwatch or the Grey Knights? 


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#14
The Lord Marshal

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they wouldnt be the first choice for these types of missions.


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#15
Banelord

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they wouldnt be the first choice for these types of missions.

What missions? All you have said is they are experts in “stealth operations” and they operate on their own or in small groups. It would be nice to have some clue to what type of operations they conduct, is it simply intelligence gathering or taking down targets of interest? These both could be done by the Officio Assassinorum, depending on what temple you look at. Or do they operate deep within enemy held territory, disrupting communications and supply line ect ect..; say within the Eye of Terror? 


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#16
Dizzyeye

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What you really need to do is add detail explaining where this chapter came from, where they operate and generally giving the chapter a soul. Just because the galaxy doesn't know about them doesn't mean the reader can't as well.


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#17
Brother Scythe

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Okay not going to lie I thought this was a joke when I read it, but you seem to be replying as though it is serious. As such I will critique it, but if you can't really take it being pulled apart ignore my post.

 

Founding: Classified/Suspected to be very early

Progenitor: Unknown/Classified

Homeworld: Unknown/Classified


Does anybody know? It doesn't have to be public knowledge, but giving us something is nice...

 

History

 

 

These are the Astartes who do not exist, they complete the missions no one else can whatever the cost.  Few know they exist, and none but the Highest Authorities in the Imperium know anything more.  All data on their origins has been wiped from records.  Known activity suggests they are of very early founding, even 2nd founding.  It is known that they were created for one purpose, to do the dirty jobs that none but specialist Astartes could do.  Almost all individuals who have ever potentially jeopardized the secrecy of their existence have been neutralized.  Any threat from a lowly begger to a trained Astartes, that is the unusual persons who recognized that agents the chapter are not who they seem, is executed and the act covered up.  Only on orders from the highest authority is any loyal servant of the Emperor spared.  These few are sworn to secrecy on pain of death and are fed elaborate lies about the mysterious marines they have seen.  They operate in the shadows, their lives are secrets and each understands that secret will one day take their life.  But that is the price they pay, so that the Imperium might live.

 

They do exist. We know they do. So do whoever orders them to do their jobs. Also why would a chapter be founded to do un-Space Marine missions. They have countless operatives to do that for them. Marines are a tool to be used for missions unlike this. Why were they wiped from records? Wouldn't it be better for people to fear them? They are not (or shouldn't be) 2nd founding. We have an almost complete list, and if this is to be true then we know they are almost for certain Ultramarines stock as those are the few not listed with names. Unless you are going the traitor (Alpha Legion...) route in which case well eww.

It is known? I thought nothing was known. And Astartes can do A LOT, but what jobs are SO SPECIAL that only these SUPER SPECIALLY TRAINED marines can handle? And really they cover up anyone who knows about them? I wanna see that hit squad try and take out a Chapter Master/Captain. Me thinks this chapter would be destroyed when caught doing that. Of course I am sure they are so SUPER AWESOME AND SNEAKY that they do it with ease.

And of course they believe the lies, because of course they would. They are sworn on pain of death then lied to... red flag. These guys are so important wow.

 

 

 

Combat Doctrine

 

 

The Marines are experts in stealth operations.  They operate as a single operative, a small team or several squads at most.  Their armor is nearly identical and devoid of ornamentation.  They make use of bolter suppressors, gas grenades, ancient distortion devices to operate covertly.  They prefer to use bolters, combat knives and power swords as they are easier to conceal and quieter to use.  Additionally, their starships are painted in a dark almost black blue and are suspected of being equipped with stealth technology. They are known to utilized non-Astartes agents through their operations as well.  They operate secret projects, infiltrate hostile groups and covertly eliminate hazards.  They have secret cells, agents and research projects throughout known space.  They infiltrated chaos warbands, cults, alien worlds, enemy projects even imperials organizations.  Each battle-brother is trained to handle anything, every aspect of Astartes warfare. Hence there are no dedicated assault, devastator, biker marines etc.  

 

All marines can do stealth operations if needed. What makes them a better choice than for example the Raven Guard? You list them working in missions like normal marines. They work as singles (Iron Snakes) small teams (Tactical Squad deployments) and demi companies. Okay they don't deploy en masse but either do normal marines except for big threats which these guys never really face.

Where did they get this amazing tech. Mars must know about them. The colour of a starship won't actually make a difference in a world of radars, psykers and more. The stealth tech was used by the Raven Guard (again this is a lot of their niche you are stealing) so might be an answer. They use Alpha Legion (HEIL HYDRA!) operatives too huh. And I am sure the Inquisition LOVES them for infiltrating chaos warbands. Does anyone ever get concerned that Brother 193 (or Ted as I call him) now has three eyes and a tail? So they are tactical marines got it. Although an entire chapter with no specialized marines is gonna have a hard time if they well ever need specialists.

 

 

 

Recruitment

 

 

It is unknown where the chapter recruits from, but it suspected to be many worlds throughout the Imperium.  They draw non-Astartes operatives from anywhere, human organizations, Adeptus Mechanicus, and non-Imperial worlds.

 

*to be edited properly later*   "Remember, know your enemy better than he knows himself.  You must break them before you engage them, only then will you ensure victory."  - Astartes Source Unknown

 

Suspected by who? The few who know anything would know it all. And again HEIL HYDRA.

 

 

Known Operations

 

 

Several operations by the chapter have been executed on the orders of the Inquisition, but not all.  The chapter's secrecy requires that they often operate autonomously so there operations that have not been documented.

 

*thinking of putting in a ops reports*

 

So they work for the Inquisition...but they don't... which means they know they exist. Which means the information is out there to be found. Not really top secret is it. 

Honestly the only thing I read is Offico Assassinorum, Raven Guard and HEIL HYDRA. It seems really really bad. I am sorry, but these guys reek of the "My marines are the best at these non marine jobs because they are cool. Oh and they are awesomer than everyone else too!!!1!!one!11!!1eleven!. A stealth reliant chapter has a cool theme and twist and could work, but for the love of the Emperor start from scratch and get rid of 99% of what you have.

 

Normally I end with the following "As always. Please note that this is all in my [narrow] view of the 40K universe. Don't take what I say as an attack, and feel free to disregard." but you have disregarded so much already I pray you rethink this. It could be awesome, but it isn't/


Edited by Brother Scythe, 11 May 2014 - 03:16 AM.

QUOTE (By Leethal)
The Holy Inquisition of the Imperium of Man. Blowing up Planets for any reason since M32.

#18
The Lord Marshal

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Okay not going to lie I thought this was a joke when I read it, but you seem to be replying as though it is serious. As such I will critique it, but if you can't really take it being pulled apart ignore my post.

 

Founding: Classified/Suspected to be very early

Progenitor: Unknown/Classified

Homeworld: Unknown/Classified


Does anybody know? It doesn't have to be public knowledge, but giving us something is nice...

 

History

 

 

These are the Astartes who do not exist, they complete the missions no one else can whatever the cost.  Few know they exist, and none but the Highest Authorities in the Imperium know anything more.  All data on their origins has been wiped from records.  Known activity suggests they are of very early founding, even 2nd founding.  It is known that they were created for one purpose, to do the dirty jobs that none but specialist Astartes could do.  Almost all individuals who have ever potentially jeopardized the secrecy of their existence have been neutralized.  Any threat from a lowly begger to a trained Astartes, that is the unusual persons who recognized that agents the chapter are not who they seem, is executed and the act covered up.  Only on orders from the highest authority is any loyal servant of the Emperor spared.  These few are sworn to secrecy on pain of death and are fed elaborate lies about the mysterious marines they have seen.  They operate in the shadows, their lives are secrets and each understands that secret will one day take their life.  But that is the price they pay, so that the Imperium might live.

 

They do exist. We know they do. So do whoever orders them to do their jobs. Also why would a chapter be founded to do un-Space Marine missions. They have countless operatives to do that for them. Marines are a tool to be used for missions unlike this. Why were they wiped from records? Wouldn't it be better for people to fear them? They are not (or shouldn't be) 2nd founding. We have an almost complete list, and if this is to be true then we know they are almost for certain Ultramarines stock as those are the few not listed with names. Unless you are going the traitor (Alpha Legion...) route in which case well eww.

It is known? I thought nothing was known. And Astartes can do A LOT, but what jobs are SO SPECIAL that only these SUPER SPECIALLY TRAINED marines can handle? And really they cover up anyone who knows about them? I wanna see that hit squad try and take out a Chapter Master/Captain. Me thinks this chapter would be destroyed when caught doing that. Of course I am sure they are so SUPER AWESOME AND SNEAKY that they do it with ease.

And of course they believe the lies, because of course they would. They are sworn on pain of death then lied to... red flag. These guys are so important wow.

 

 

 

Combat Doctrine

 

 

The Marines are experts in stealth operations.  They operate as a single operative, a small team or several squads at most.  Their armor is nearly identical and devoid of ornamentation.  They make use of bolter suppressors, gas grenades, ancient distortion devices to operate covertly.  They prefer to use bolters, combat knives and power swords as they are easier to conceal and quieter to use.  Additionally, their starships are painted in a dark almost black blue and are suspected of being equipped with stealth technology. They are known to utilized non-Astartes agents through their operations as well.  They operate secret projects, infiltrate hostile groups and covertly eliminate hazards.  They have secret cells, agents and research projects throughout known space.  They infiltrated chaos warbands, cults, alien worlds, enemy projects even imperials organizations.  Each battle-brother is trained to handle anything, every aspect of Astartes warfare. Hence there are no dedicated assault, devastator, biker marines etc.  

 

All marines can do stealth operations if needed. What makes them a better choice than for example the Raven Guard? You list them working in missions like normal marines. They work as singles (Iron Snakes) small teams (Tactical Squad deployments) and demi companies. Okay they don't deploy en masse but either do normal marines except for big threats which these guys never really face.

Where did they get this amazing tech. Mars must know about them. The colour of a starship won't actually make a difference in a world of radars, psykers and more. The stealth tech was used by the Raven Guard (again this is a lot of their niche you are stealing) so might be an answer. They use Alpha Legion (HEIL HYDRA!) operatives too huh. And I am sure the Inquisition LOVES them for infiltrating chaos warbands. Does anyone ever get concerned that Brother 193 (or Ted as I call him) now has three eyes and a tail? So they are tactical marines got it. Although an entire chapter with no specialized marines is gonna have a hard time if they well ever need specialists.

 

 

 

Recruitment

 

 

It is unknown where the chapter recruits from, but it suspected to be many worlds throughout the Imperium.  They draw non-Astartes operatives from anywhere, human organizations, Adeptus Mechanicus, and non-Imperial worlds.

 

*to be edited properly later*   "Remember, know your enemy better than he knows himself.  You must break them before you engage them, only then will you ensure victory."  - Astartes Source Unknown

 

Suspected by who? The few who know anything would know it all. And again HEIL HYDRA.

 

 

Known Operations

 

 

Several operations by the chapter have been executed on the orders of the Inquisition, but not all.  The chapter's secrecy requires that they often operate autonomously so there operations that have not been documented.

 

*thinking of putting in a ops reports*

 

So they work for the Inquisition...but they don't... which means they know they exist. Which means the information is out there to be found. Not really top secret is it. 

Honestly the only thing I read is Offico Assassinorum, Raven Guard and HEIL HYDRA. It seems really really bad. I am sorry, but these guys reek of the "My marines are the best at these non marine jobs because they are cool. Oh and they are awesomer than everyone else too!!!1!!one!11!!1eleven!. A stealth reliant chapter has a cool theme and twist and could work, but for the love of the Emperor start from scratch and get rid of 99% of what you have.

 

Normally I end with the following "As always. Please note that this is all in my [narrow] view of the 40K universe. Don't take what I say as an attack, and feel free to disregard." but you have disregarded so much already I pray you rethink this. It could be awesome, but it isn't

 

do understand anything about writing?  half of what you wrote here is criticizing storyish-style writing rather than actual information.  for example "they do exist" do you really not think everyone knows that? it wouldnt be very interesting at all if all i did was write the obvious.  therefore, i was interested in your criticism, but then i saw no reason to continue reading.


Founder and Master of the Doomgivers                            We are Legion!

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The Liber Cluster http://www.bolterand...-liber-cluster/

Im also on TheDarkCity.net, a Dark Eldar fansite  http://www.thedarkcity.net/u1638


#19
The Lord Marshal

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anyway on a productive note, i have decided on a real sector/threat related purpose for the chapter that is more defined.  They operate mostly in the Ghoul Stars, investigating and fighting a covert war against the strange enemies there. they would work with the Death Spectres in that regard.  I was reading about that area and it seemed a good threat to warrant the creation of a new chapter, especially considering that the DS seem to be one of the few Imperial organizations watching over it.


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#20
Brother Scythe

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Awwh how adorable you got upset. Do I know anything about writing. I think that is what you asked, but I can`t be sure because you didn`t exactly say that. If you actually think I was literally saying that they do exist because it is obvious then I am sorry. The fact I was pointing out is that the sentence is pointless. They exist. Now saying These are Astartes who function behind the scenes, or work in unseen to the greater Imperium gives a sense of them being "invisible" without stating something pointlessly wrong. Try taking a read through that, but if you have a problem with getting feedback about your way to over the top "I AM SO SPECIAL AND SUCH A UNIQUE SNOW FLAKE LIKE OMG GUYS LOOK HOW SPECIAL WE ARE" then I would advise you not bothering to post on a forum that is used to well ask for feedback. You original idea was bad. Might seem harsh, might be confrontational but it is is bad. They are not operating like Astartes, they are stealing the thunder from a different Imperial organization and then ripping off parts you like from two of the oldest legions / chapters. It is not good writing, not good reading. There are parts that could work so well, but you have glossed over them with facts about how they kill everyone and no one knows who they are because they are so uber secret.

Now to your new point I like that. A chapter that operates outside Imperial mandate and space on an unknown mission of war into the Ghoul Stars is an AWESOME idea. It is not only something very few people DIY or official have really written about, but it makes sense for Astartes. For the most part they are an army independnt. While yes they do need resources now and again they could easily return to Imperial space to resupply before going off on their mission again. I like them, they have a purpose and are still unique and mysterious. I would build up from that. You could drop some of the secrecy about their creation (in general the working Imperium knows very little about the innate detail of a specific chapter anyways) and have the reason for the creation be somewhat cloudy as the threat they face in the Ghoul Stars in not a threat yet officially recognized by the Imperium. Make them sort of a first contact strike chapter. Like I said I like the new idea and hope you run with it.

 

Seriously though don't take my first post as me critiquing it as you did, I will address everything that makes them seem silly and pointless, and those are generally things other people agreed on so I would say they need working anyways. Good look on the new idea though, as I said I really like it and would be happy to offer critique / feedback on this new chapter. Oh and also give them a name!
 


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#21
Quozzo

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It sounds a lot like the deathwath really. You even mention they do missions for the inquisition but why would the inquisition call upon a chapter when they have their own militant arm who are better trained and equipped to deal with these kind of missions.

#22
Conn Eremon

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I think it might be worth noting that sometimes people want very different things. What is most important is ultimately what the author wants. Therefore, if this type of Chapter and writing is what is wanted by The Lord Marshall, then that is all that matters. You want it to be this way, then by all means let it be this way.

That said, posting the idea on the Liber implies an openness for feedback, whether as praise or constructive criticism. We Liberites are going to assume you want us to respond to your idea with our opinions on how we feel about the idea and how we think it can be improved. Now, in this particular case, that idea runs counter to what this sub-forum usually goes for. Meaning that most responses are going to be in the vein of constructive criticism, and lobby for major changes across the board.

This is the internet, so it can be easy to get riled up and defensive, whether you are the author or someone posting some C&C. It might be best to take a deep breath. Remember that all that matters is what the author wants, and that people who respond to this thread ultimately only want to help improve the idea, as they see it.

So, having said that, Lord Marshall: What is it that you want of this Chapter? What are you looking to us for help on?

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#23
The Lord Marshal

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I think it might be worth noting that sometimes people want very different things. What is most important is ultimately what the author wants. Therefore, if this type of Chapter and writing is what is wanted by The Lord Marshall, then that is all that matters. You want it to be this way, then by all means let it be this way.

That said, posting the idea on the Liber implies an openness for feedback, whether as praise or constructive criticism. We Liberites are going to assume you want us to respond to your idea with our opinions on how we feel about the idea and how we think it can be improved. Now, in this particular case, that idea runs counter to what this sub-forum usually goes for. Meaning that most responses are going to be in the vein of constructive criticism, and lobby for major changes across the board.

This is the internet, so it can be easy to get riled up and defensive, whether you are the author or someone posting some C&C. It might be best to take a deep breath. Remember that all that matters is what the author wants, and that people who respond to this thread ultimately only want to help improve the idea, as they see it.

So, having said that, Lord Marshall: What is it that you want of this Chapter? What are you looking to us for help on?

 

im looking for a chapter that is basically my own loyalist alpha legion.  im looking for help on how to make it work while still leaving room for people to wonder about their actual origins and such.  they are focused on small ops. the inspiration is The Serpent Beneath from The Primarchs.


Edited by The Lord Marshal, 12 May 2014 - 03:04 PM.

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#24
The Lord Marshal

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Awwh how adorable you got upset. Do I know anything about writing. I think that is what you asked, but I can`t be sure because you didn`t exactly say that. If you actually think I was literally saying that they do exist because it is obvious then I am sorry. The fact I was pointing out is that the sentence is pointless. They exist. Now saying These are Astartes who function behind the scenes, or work in unseen to the greater Imperium gives a sense of them being "invisible" without stating something pointlessly wrong. Try taking a read through that, but if you have a problem with getting feedback about your way to over the top "I AM SO SPECIAL AND SUCH A UNIQUE SNOW FLAKE LIKE OMG GUYS LOOK HOW SPECIAL WE ARE" then I would advise you not bothering to post on a forum that is used to well ask for feedback. You original idea was bad. Might seem harsh, might be confrontational but it is is bad. They are not operating like Astartes, they are stealing the thunder from a different Imperial organization and then ripping off parts you like from two of the oldest legions / chapters. It is not good writing, not good reading. There are parts that could work so well, but you have glossed over them with facts about how they kill everyone and no one knows who they are because they are so uber secret.

Now to your new point I like that. A chapter that operates outside Imperial mandate and space on an unknown mission of war into the Ghoul Stars is an AWESOME idea. It is not only something very few people DIY or official have really written about, but it makes sense for Astartes. For the most part they are an army independnt. While yes they do need resources now and again they could easily return to Imperial space to resupply before going off on their mission again. I like them, they have a purpose and are still unique and mysterious. I would build up from that. You could drop some of the secrecy about their creation (in general the working Imperium knows very little about the innate detail of a specific chapter anyways) and have the reason for the creation be somewhat cloudy as the threat they face in the Ghoul Stars in not a threat yet officially recognized by the Imperium. Make them sort of a first contact strike chapter. Like I said I like the new idea and hope you run with it.

 

Seriously though don't take my first post as me critiquing it as you did, I will address everything that makes them seem silly and pointless, and those are generally things other people agreed on so I would say they need working anyways. Good look on the new idea though, as I said I really like it and would be happy to offer critique / feedback on this new chapter. Oh and also give them a name!
 

 

 

the point was that you utterly missed the style the IA is written in.  it is meant to be a Inquisition file.  its completely fine to explain what the problems are beyond that.  for example the larger part of your second post is very useful and constructive.  i would welcome more feedback like this one.


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#25
The Lord Marshal

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original post has been edited to reflect the Ghoul Stars ideas. still needs work and im open to ideas. also please throw some names my way.


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