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Ellipsis Chapter

TheLordMarshal

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#26
Conn Eremon

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im looking for a chapter that is basically my own loyalist alpha legion.  

 

Okay, here we go then. So what you want is a Chapter based on the Alpha Legion as they existed during their Loyalist days? In that case, I would recommend toning down on the 'unknown' quality you currently have in this IA. The Alpha Legion was certainly capable of operating behind the scenes, but it is notable that while they were still Loyal they were open about their involvement or presence. Imperial Commanders might not have had any idea what they were doing, but they did know they were present and they did know it was the Alpha Legion's handiwork. Therefore, one would expect the Inquisition to be fully aware of this Chapter's identity and the aftermath of their battles, if not the actual methods involved or the exact details.

 

It might also be notable that the Alpha Legion wasn't just a Legion of covert operatives. They were effective as such, and they went full hog in that direction when they went traitor, but they were also known for being something of a showboat. They'd spend an inordinate amount of time preparing, allowing unnecessary Imperial casualties, simply so that their first strike was the killing blow, and that it comes off as spectacularly as possible. Their covert actions was simply one tool in the shed for setting their ducks all in a row for the true battle, within which they were unleashed with gusto. If you work this kind of grandstanding behavior into this Chapter, it might go far into making them a bit more well-rounded and interesting as a Chapter. It's what makes the Alpha Legion itself so interesting.

 

However, I have to say that if this Chapter is meant to be based on the Alpha Legion, I am seeing little of the flaws such inspiration should bring. I'm not seeing any of the self-destructiveness that the Alpha Legion's secretive, clandestine nature leads to, which makes them seem, to my eyes, like a "new and improved" Alpha Legion-style Chapter. But there's also the fact that the Alpha Legion was able to operate as it did because it was a Legion, led by one of the Emperor's sons. They were top dogs in the Great Crusade, and the Imperium at that time was the Great Crusade. This level of power was stripped from the Legions afterwards, though a small number of Chapters still enjoy something close to it, like the Ultramarines, Dark Angels, Space Wolves and a few others. Since your Chapter simply isn't among that number (unless we are making an alternate 40k universe where this Chapter of yours is equal to these kinds of Chapters), the Inquisition, who would seem to have an antagonistic view of this Chapter, is the more powerful institution. A single Inquisitor can sign the death warrant of a Chapter, and for less cause than this Chapter seems to be giving. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's something that we should probably be able to see. How is this Chapter handling the Inquisitorial threat, a threat that is more powerful and more clandestine than itself? Is it on the road to becoming a renegade, like the Sons of Malice? Or does the Chapter survive by handing the reigns over to the Inquisition, like other Chapters, such as the Red Hunters, have? Whichever way you go, we just need to see it, or at least witness how the process begins if the climax is meant to be post-'present day.' Otherwise, it might make it feel like there's too much going on, without what we might feel as adequate explanation for why it is.

 

im looking for help on how to make it work while still leaving room for people to wonder about their actual origins and such.  

 

There's a general writing tip I remember from way back when that went along the lines of "Show, don't tell." At the moment, the 'unknown' nature of your Chapter is being told to us. It might be best served if it was shown. You could, for instance, let us know what the Chapter's name is. Let the Inquisition know. But, in the writing of this article, show us how this identity is kept under wraps, denied or perhaps even faulty information. Do this not by saying that it is, but by showing us something that implies that it is. Maybe the supposed progenitor denies any connection to the Chapter. Maybe an investigative Inquisitor finds records of a Chapter bearing this name as being destroyed. Were the records faulty, and this was simply a defeat the Chapter survived? Was this Chapter's identity simply handed to a newly Founded Chapter following its destruction, or was its identity usurped by this other Chapter?
 

they are focused on small ops.

 

 

I would recommend adding in more than this, lest they be mistaken as 'one trick ponies.' The Alpha Legion itself, for instance, was far more than just a small ops Legion. The thing that made them effective, as an example, was their tendency for "multi-vector attacks," which was Forge World's fancy way of saying that they liked to set the enemy up and strike with everything they had from every potential angle all at the same time. Overwhelming the enemy, who cannot possibly defend against every attack simultaneously.

 

the inspiration is The Serpent Beneath from The Primarchs.

 

This story shined a spotlight on the self-destructive nature of the Alpha Legion. How it was a threat to itself, by its own secretive tendencies. I would really like to see that in your Chapter. I think it would go far to flesh them out and make them more believable as something that exists in this grimdark setting.


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#27
Olis

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Let's avoid inflammatory language, brothers. Points have been raised, harsh or otherwise, which would benefit from a more detached approach. 


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#28
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I think you're going to have difficulties trying to get this concept to be as strong as it was for the alpha legion. Lets make some analyzations:

The concept works well for the alpha legion because they are the bad guys. The good guys (Emperor and friends) have established bases and fortifications, manufactoriums and training facilities. The alpha legion could make open attacks on these, but the cost would slowly wear down on them. Instead, they prefer to infiltrate the orginizations, acting as a loyal chapter that's well respected in the area, staging rescues and attacks, then using their influence to trick the establisment into what they want.

Doing this they can con two army's to attack each other, then finish of the weakend forces. Get resources from willing enemy forces. Or even swae the forces faith in the emperor, tricking them into worshiping a chaos god.
(Note, this is only some of what they do)

This doesn't work as well for the imperium. Any force you try to infiltrate in order to do the above is going to notice that you're a space marine, because you're more or less interacting with them. Now you have to ask, what are you infiltrating? Loyal foces become renegade all the time, are you going to send a marine to each group and pose as a traitor? If they are still loyal, they try to kill the "chaos" marine, so you kill them for betraying you. If they are chaos, I doubt they would think it normal that a chaos marine is showing up. Maybe it works some of the time. Space Marines are the most effective military force mankind has ever known, designed to take the fight to te enemy. Can they preform this role? Yes, but there is an orginization specifically designed to do so already, why did some one decided that we needed space marines for this as opposed to them? These are questions that you really need to address. Imagine that this IA (which you're writing as an inquisition report) is being read by a high lord of terra with clearance. You need to justify to him why it is more important that these marines play spy kids instead of being at the front line, murddering known heritics. If he isn't 100% satisfied, well, e can't really force them to stop I suppose, but I'm sure there's ways he can influence them.


So think about these things....
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#29
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#30
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I'm going to try and do this delicately because I appreciate the practising of ones art whether it be for practice, entertainment or the sheer joy of it.

 

The trouble is that if you want to style this an Inquisition report, then the Inquisitor accessing is going to have the clearance to see the actual details and if anyone has that information, out of the myriad Imperial organisations, it is the Inquisition. In fact it is more likely to contain more information than less.

 

Equally, it is literally impossible to wipe out all records about something in the Imperium of Man because, like all bureaucracies everywhere, because someone somewhere will know or it will be recorded even if it is at the bottom of a pile of dateslates about the agricultural output of the Fri'ack system during the last 350 years. Removing all traces of even the smallest thing, let alone something like a Space Marine Chapter, is an incredibly difficult process and extremely time-consuming.

 

There is the potential to make this a "serious" piece if you willingly surrender the whole "loyalist Alpha Legion" schtick but as is? There really isn't anything to hold the readers interest because there is so much mystery that actual information is lacking.


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#31
The Lord Marshal

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very helpful feedback brothers! thanks.gif

 

 

im looking for a chapter that is basically my own loyalist alpha legion.  

 

Okay, here we go then. So what you want is a Chapter based on the Alpha Legion as they existed during their Loyalist days? In that case, I would recommend toning down on the 'unknown' quality you currently have in this IA. The Alpha Legion was certainly capable of operating behind the scenes, but it is notable that while they were still Loyal they were open about their involvement or presence. Imperial Commanders might not have had any idea what they were doing, but they did know they were present and they did know it was the Alpha Legion's handiwork. Therefore, one would expect the Inquisition to be fully aware of this Chapter's identity and the aftermath of their battles, if not the actual methods involved or the exact details.

 

It might also be notable that the Alpha Legion wasn't just a Legion of covert operatives. They were effective as such, and they went full hog in that direction when they went traitor, but they were also known for being something of a showboat. They'd spend an inordinate amount of time preparing, allowing unnecessary Imperial casualties, simply so that their first strike was the killing blow, and that it comes off as spectacularly as possible. Their covert actions was simply one tool in the shed for setting their ducks all in a row for the true battle, within which they were unleashed with gusto. If you work this kind of grandstanding behavior into this Chapter, it might go far into making them a bit more well-rounded and interesting as a Chapter. It's what makes the Alpha Legion itself so interesting.

 

However, I have to say that if this Chapter is meant to be based on the Alpha Legion, I am seeing little of the flaws such inspiration should bring. I'm not seeing any of the self-destructiveness that the Alpha Legion's secretive, clandestine nature leads to, which makes them seem, to my eyes, like a "new and improved" Alpha Legion-style Chapter. But there's also the fact that the Alpha Legion was able to operate as it did because it was a Legion, led by one of the Emperor's sons. They were top dogs in the Great Crusade, and the Imperium at that time was the Great Crusade. This level of power was stripped from the Legions afterwards, though a small number of Chapters still enjoy something close to it, like the Ultramarines, Dark Angels, Space Wolves and a few others. Since your Chapter simply isn't among that number (unless we are making an alternate 40k universe where this Chapter of yours is equal to these kinds of Chapters), the Inquisition, who would seem to have an antagonistic view of this Chapter, is the more powerful institution. A single Inquisitor can sign the death warrant of a Chapter, and for less cause than this Chapter seems to be giving. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's something that we should probably be able to see. How is this Chapter handling the Inquisitorial threat, a threat that is more powerful and more clandestine than itself? Is it on the road to becoming a renegade, like the Sons of Malice? Or does the Chapter survive by handing the reigns over to the Inquisition, like other Chapters, such as the Red Hunters, have? Whichever way you go, we just need to see it, or at least witness how the process begins if the climax is meant to be post-'present day.' Otherwise, it might make it feel like there's too much going on, without what we might feel as adequate explanation for why it is.

 

well its not completely loyalist alpha legion i guess. because it is focused entirely on the small ops like in The Serpent Beneath.  not sure if that helps things.  and i figured the chapter working for or with the Ordo Xenos alot would help their relationship with the Inq.

 

im looking for help on how to make it work while still leaving room for people to wonder about their actual origins and such.  

 

There's a general writing tip I remember from way back when that went along the lines of "Show, don't tell." At the moment, the 'unknown' nature of your Chapter is being told to us. It might be best served if it was shown. You could, for instance, let us know what the Chapter's name is. Let the Inquisition know. But, in the writing of this article, show us how this identity is kept under wraps, denied or perhaps even faulty information. Do this not by saying that it is, but by showing us something that implies that it is. Maybe the supposed progenitor denies any connection to the Chapter. Maybe an investigative Inquisitor finds records of a Chapter bearing this name as being destroyed. Were the records faulty, and this was simply a defeat the Chapter survived? Was this Chapter's identity simply handed to a newly Founded Chapter following its destruction, or was its identity usurped by this other Chapter?

 

ok but i have no idea what chapter might actually be appropriate.

 

they are focused on small ops.

 

 

I would recommend adding in more than this, lest they be mistaken as 'one trick ponies.' The Alpha Legion itself, for instance, was far more than just a small ops Legion. The thing that made them effective, as an example, was their tendency for "multi-vector attacks," which was Forge World's fancy way of saying that they liked to set the enemy up and strike with everything they had from every potential angle all at the same time. Overwhelming the enemy, who cannot possibly defend against every attack simultaneously.

like i said above do you think focusing entirely on small ops kinda puts me in a hole development wise?  i dont want to completely copy the AL as that would seem unimaginative.

 

the inspiration is The Serpent Beneath from The Primarchs.

 

This story shined a spotlight on the self-destructive nature of the Alpha Legion. How it was a threat to itself, by its own secretive tendencies. I would really like to see that in your Chapter. I think it would go far to flesh them out and make them more believable as something that exists in this grimdark setting.

 

can you expand on that a little?  i think i know what you mean in relation to the book but i want to be sure.

I think you're going to have difficulties trying to get this concept to be as strong as it was for the alpha legion. Lets make some analyzations:

The concept works well for the alpha legion because they are the bad guys. The good guys (Emperor and friends) have established bases and fortifications, manufactoriums and training facilities. The alpha legion could make open attacks on these, but the cost would slowly wear down on them. Instead, they prefer to infiltrate the orginizations, acting as a loyal chapter that's well respected in the area, staging rescues and attacks, then using their influence to trick the establisment into what they want.

Doing this they can con two army's to attack each other, then finish of the weakend forces. Get resources from willing enemy forces. Or even swae the forces faith in the emperor, tricking them into worshiping a chaos god.
(Note, this is only some of what they do)

This doesn't work as well for the imperium. Any force you try to infiltrate in order to do the above is going to notice that you're a space marine, because you're more or less interacting with them. Now you have to ask, what are you infiltrating? Loyal foces become renegade all the time, are you going to send a marine to each group and pose as a traitor? If they are still loyal, they try to kill the "chaos" marine, so you kill them for betraying you. If they are chaos, I doubt they would think it normal that a chaos marine is showing up. Maybe it works some of the time. Space Marines are the most effective military force mankind has ever known, designed to take the fight to te enemy. Can they preform this role? Yes, but there is an orginization specifically designed to do so already, why did some one decided that we needed space marines for this as opposed to them? These are questions that you really need to address. Imagine that this IA (which you're writing as an inquisition report) is being read by a high lord of terra with clearance. You need to justify to him why it is more important that these marines play spy kids instead of being at the front line, murddering known heritics. If he isn't 100% satisfied, well, e can't really force them to stop I suppose, but I'm sure there's ways he can influence them.


So think about these things....

 

but the loyalist AL managed to pull off such infiltration without fancy chaos stuff.  so to me i dont see why that couldnt be done by a loyalist chapter so long as they have the resources.  best example i can think of is where legionaires infiltrated an human-alien city of sorts in Legion.

I'm going to try and do this delicately because I appreciate the practising of ones art whether it be for practice, entertainment or the sheer joy of it.

 

The trouble is that if you want to style this an Inquisition report, then the Inquisitor accessing is going to have the clearance to see the actual details and if anyone has that information, out of the myriad Imperial organisations, it is the Inquisition. In fact it is more likely to contain more information than less.

 

Equally, it is literally impossible to wipe out all records about something in the Imperium of Man because, like all bureaucracies everywhere, because someone somewhere will know or it will be recorded even if it is at the bottom of a pile of dateslates about the agricultural output of the Fri'ack system during the last 350 years. Removing all traces of even the smallest thing, let alone something like a Space Marine Chapter, is an incredibly difficult process and extremely time-consuming.

 

There is the potential to make this a "serious" piece if you willingly surrender the whole "loyalist Alpha Legion" schtick but as is? There really isn't anything to hold the readers interest because there is so much mystery that actual information is lacking.

 

good point...


Edited by The Lord Marshal, 13 May 2014 - 02:39 PM.

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#32
War Angel

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That's fine, but you can't just say that they do it. You have to give why. The legions are very different from chapters.

So my questions to you, that I think need answering in the IA, are the following

1. Why is it important to have this force doing the ONI type black op missions? Why can't another larger orginization do this?

2. Who are these marines outside of their psy ops.


Something I want to compair for you.

Small cell operation.... Space marines operate in squads, usually 10 strong. Sometimes they split into two five man squads. This is normal procedure. There are not enough marines to commit a full battle company against any given threat, and it is sometimes common for a squad to be sent for this role.

Stealth infiltration.... All scouts are trained in this tactic. Weather they use it or not is debatable

I'm just noting that some of what you're chapter does is already something that the wider population of marines is also doing... Food for thought.
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#33
Plague Angel

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My question is, if they do missions designed for small, highly specialized teams and they work with the Ordo Xenos, with their own secrets kept from other Astartes and other Ordos, aren't they just the Deathwatch?



#34
The Lord Marshal

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That's fine, but you can't just say that they do it. You have to give why. The legions are very different from chapters.

So my questions to you, that I think need answering in the IA, are the following

1. Why is it important to have this force doing the ONI type black op missions? Why can't another larger orginization do this?

2. Who are these marines outside of their psy ops.


Something I want to compair for you.

Small cell operation.... Space marines operate in squads, usually 10 strong. Sometimes they split into two five man squads. This is normal procedure. There are not enough marines to commit a full battle company against any given threat, and it is sometimes common for a squad to be sent for this role.

Stealth infiltration.... All scouts are trained in this tactic. Weather they use it or not is debatable

I'm just noting that some of what you're chapter does is already something that the wider population of marines is also doing... Food for thought.

 

well apparently several whole chapters were destroyed fighting the Ghoul Stars so the Imps kinda gave up invading it.  so i guess i figured that when large scale traditional warfare doesnt work, perhaps it is better to have a small for dedicated to the current mission of simply keeping the Ghoul Stars contained.

 

My question is, if they do missions designed for small, highly specialized teams and they work with the Ordo Xenos, with their own secrets kept from other Astartes and other Ordos, aren't they just the Deathwatch?

 

well they be different in terms of combat doctrine focus, but i see your point. so i have find the middle ground between being a AL copy and being too Deathwatchy.


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#35
War Angel

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So there mission is to infiltrate the strange aliens that occupy that area? How ?
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#36
The Lord Marshal

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i havent abandoned the concept here folks just been a bit busy. ill get back to it


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#37
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sorry for the long wait brothers.  but i updated the name and added the first known operation.  I was thinking the other day and wondered if it might be useful to include an enemy in the Ghoul Stars that had been encountered before and was causing problems with the local xenos.  an eldar craftworld perhaps?  i already have 2 created.  what do you think?


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#38
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I'm going to pitch in because I'm a huge Alpha Legion fan and The Serpent Beneath has to be my all time favourite tale from the HH series thus far. Whilst taking on board the comments of the others in this thread, which to me appears to be well intentioned positive criticism, I think there is some scope here to make a plausible concept that takes the original ideas and offer up some things to think about.

 

Firstly, it's important to establish what the pre-Heresy Alpha Legion are about, in particular up to the events seen in The Serpent Beneath. To condense this:

  • As established in Legion, the Alpha Legion are utterly loyal to the Emperor. They recognise and agree with his long term view that for humanity to be the uppermost dominating species in the galaxy, it must be unified and strengthened through the intense application of martial violence.
  • Their abiding quality is pragmatism: any and all means necessary to get the job done.
  • Arguably next to the Thousand Sons, the Alpha Legion are dedicated to the accumulation of knowledge, especially that of a tactical nature. This gives them a large advantage when deciding the most effective course of action.
  • Operatives for the Alpha Legion in this era are more than just cannon fodder. Though ultimately expendable, the legion spends a lot of time and effort into collecting and utilising their operatives for specific purposes. They have a way of indoctrinating an extreme dedication and loyalty to the legion in return for the necessary resources the legion needs to carry out its operations.
  • The stories mentioned happen to focus on smaller scale operations, where significantly fewer astartes personnel are needed to achieve their targets, which appear to be very important to you. These victories are achieved not necessarily through numbers but the intense and strategic application of force.
  • As one other commenter noted, they operate in secrecy for a time, but do make themselves known to the relevant Imperial authorities. The Alpha Legion are almost a law unto themselves but not quite!
  • The Serpent Beneath is in my opinion, one of the most important stories to be told in the Heresy. Its consequences are far reaching and as the events of Scars tells, it allows the White Scars to make the choices they make which go onto becoming legendary in the Battle of Terra. Omegon fully anticipated such a thing to happen which is why he orchestrated the assault on Tenebrae. Shifting loyalties aside, the strength of the story is told through the way it is written, almost like an operational briefing: economical and effective.
  • The entire operation is planned in a great manner of detail in keeping with legion tradition, along with the many backup plans and scope for improvisation should the plan go awry. In keeping with their modus operandi, the attack though staged by only a handful of legionnaires and their operatives still manage to bring the station to its knees through a multi-pronged attack: releasing of captive psykers, diversions of the facilities stationed forces, the use of the alien mining technology, control of the central security etc. All of these things are assigned to different specialists who have been carefully selected.

 

Now, taking all of these brief statements, we could see the Elipses chapter as the following:

  • A very small chapter, perhaps only 200-300 astartes total;
  • They are dispersed over a wide area in the Ghoul Stars and are given a broad mandate by their chapter master. Perhaps they are then responsible for fulfilling their objectives through the training of operatives and other bodies of the Imperium (or beyond!). Maybe perhaps like the Alpha Legion in The Serpent Beneath, wage a lot of their wars through proxy and actually their astartes warriors subtly goad other races into conflict to achieve the Elipses own goals in the region;
  • They operate as single warriors or in small groups as the mission allows;
  • Rather than a chapter operating out of a base, they are dispersed as a network: hiding in asteroids, or hiding in plain view of existing Imperial infrastructure;
  • They work with a lot of Imperial forces and organise the attacks. They deploy their marines strategically to make sure that key objectives are met.

The point is they are highly specialised and there are not too many of them. This means that in a straight up fight, they would likely lose and therefore have to redress the balance in different ways, which I think your background has to reflect. Currently it reads like they are completely unstoppable, whereas it's their weaknesses and how they overcome them (be specific when approaching this when you write out your operation reports) that makes this plausible.


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A White Scars Successor Chapter

 


#39
The Lord Marshal

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I'm going to pitch in because I'm a huge Alpha Legion fan and The Serpent Beneath has to be my all time favourite tale from the HH series thus far. Whilst taking on board the comments of the others in this thread, which to me appears to be well intentioned positive criticism, I think there is some scope here to make a plausible concept that takes the original ideas and offer up some things to think about.

 

Firstly, it's important to establish what the pre-Heresy Alpha Legion are about, in particular up to the events seen in The Serpent Beneath. To condense this:

  • As established in Legion, the Alpha Legion are utterly loyal to the Emperor. They recognise and agree with his long term view that for humanity to be the uppermost dominating species in the galaxy, it must be unified and strengthened through the intense application of martial violence.
  • Their abiding quality is pragmatism: any and all means necessary to get the job done.
  • Arguably next to the Thousand Sons, the Alpha Legion are dedicated to the accumulation of knowledge, especially that of a tactical nature. This gives them a large advantage when deciding the most effective course of action.
  • Operatives for the Alpha Legion in this era are more than just cannon fodder. Though ultimately expendable, the legion spends a lot of time and effort into collecting and utilising their operatives for specific purposes. They have a way of indoctrinating an extreme dedication and loyalty to the legion in return for the necessary resources the legion needs to carry out its operations.
  • The stories mentioned happen to focus on smaller scale operations, where significantly fewer astartes personnel are needed to achieve their targets, which appear to be very important to you. These victories are achieved not necessarily through numbers but the intense and strategic application of force.  That is my exact focus with these guys, you nailed it.
  • As one other commenter noted, they operate in secrecy for a time, but do make themselves known to the relevant Imperial authorities. The Alpha Legion are almost a law unto themselves but not quite!
  • The Serpent Beneath is in my opinion, one of the most important stories to be told in the Heresy. Its consequences are far reaching and as the events of Scars tells, it allows the White Scars to make the choices they make which go onto becoming legendary in the Battle of Terra. Omegon fully anticipated such a thing to happen which is why he orchestrated the assault on Tenebrae. Shifting loyalties aside, the strength of the story is told through the way it is written, almost like an operational briefing: economical and effective.  I have not read Scars so no spoilers please! but this is very interesting that there is more to it!
  • The entire operation is planned in a great manner of detail in keeping with legion tradition, along with the many backup plans and scope for improvisation should the plan go awry. In keeping with their modus operandi, the attack though staged by only a handful of legionnaires and their operatives still manage to bring the station to its knees through a multi-pronged attack: releasing of captive psykers, diversions of the facilities stationed forces, the use of the alien mining technology, control of the central security etc. All of these things are assigned to different specialists who have been carefully selected.

 

Now, taking all of these brief statements, we could see the Elipses chapter as the following:

  • A very small chapter, perhaps only 200-300 astartes total;  I understand the reasoning behind this completely, but i have a problem.  I hate small numbers of units. but that doesnt rule out compromise.
  • They are dispersed over a wide area in the Ghoul Stars and are given a broad mandate by their chapter master. Perhaps they are then responsible for fulfilling their objectives through the training of operatives and other bodies of the Imperium (or beyond!). Maybe perhaps like the Alpha Legion in The Serpent Beneath, wage a lot of their wars through proxy and actually their astartes warriors subtly goad other races into conflict to achieve the Elipses own goals in the region;
  • They operate as single warriors or in small groups as the mission allows;
  • Rather than a chapter operating out of a base, they are dispersed as a network: hiding in asteroids, or hiding in plain view of existing Imperial infrastructure;
  • They work with a lot of Imperial forces and organise the attacks. They deploy their marines strategically to make sure that key objectives are met.  Pretty much exactly what i was thinking.  In short: focus on small unit tactics, use of  intelligence data, and elaborate strategy.

The point is they are highly specialised and there are not too many of them. This means that in a straight up fight, they would likely lose and therefore have to redress the balance in different ways, which I think your background has to reflect. Currently it reads like they are completely unstoppable, whereas it's their weaknesses and how they overcome them (be specific when approaching this when you write out your operation reports) that makes this plausible.  hm, ok well where specifically does it sound "too good to be true" so to speak?  i want to correct that.

 

thanks for the feedback! Hydra Dominatus!


Edited by The Lord Marshal, 09 June 2014 - 06:13 PM.

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#40
The Lord Marshal

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planning to return to this and my other threads brothers.  I have been gone to a really screwed up real life.


Founder and Master of the Doomgivers                            We are Legion!

Current Work: Ashen Claws Successor http://www.bolterand...arband-name-tdb

Catalog of all my DIYs: http://www.bolterand...TheLordMarshal/

Other interests:  My DeviantArt account: http://the-lord-mars...deviantart.com/

The Fleet Thread http://www.bolterand...-of-the-heresy/

The Liber Cluster http://www.bolterand...-liber-cluster/

Im also on TheDarkCity.net, a Dark Eldar fansite  http://www.thedarkcity.net/u1638