EesiOh Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 (Hopefully I will update this regularly, also I'm new to writing so any advice given would be nice) ++Del'taar Sector++ ++Bordas System++ ++Umberon++ ++512.M38++ Chapter 1 Captain Alesandro Valleta roared a war cry and leapt towards the foe. His blood sang as the sound of battle surged all around him. He thumbed a button on his power axe and it hummed to life in his hands. He ran to the closest cultists, activating his jump pack with every step to gain more distance. He jumped and whilst in mid-air brought the axe down hard on the closets cultist’s head. The cultist split apart with a wet thud as two nearly identical halves of what had just been a body fell down on either side of Captain. He spun around at the other nearby cultists and unloaded a clip from his borrowed bolt pistol into their ranks. His normally trusty grav pistol was mag-clamped to his right leg. The graviton weapon would be next to useless against these particular foes. The mass reactive rounds tore through the ranks of the crazed cultists and caused carnage. Each shot taking a life or a limb without the Captain of the 6th even having to aim as the throng of demented cultists was so thick. Alesandro looked up as a shadow descended above him and grinned when he saw it was Aphael Uberos, Aphael was Alesandro’s second in command and delighted in the arts of war just as much as Alesandro. Together they charged forward. The rest of Alesandro’s personal squad forming up behind them. They drove a spearhead through the cultists slaughtering all those around them. When Alesandro looked up again they had cleared a large circle around them. Suddenly the familiar sound of bolter shells filled the air and Alesandro and his squad all ducked into cover as Chaos Space Marines bearing the symbols of the Word Bearers charged towards them bellowing war cries and blasphemous praises to their foul patrons. Aphael leant his head out from behind cover and then quickly ducked it back as a hail of gunfire whizzed past. “Nerus” Alesandro called out over the squad’s voxnet “Distract their attention while we try and get closer” Nerus pinged an affirmative and then sheathing his chainsword at his side and drew his twin bolt pistols. He began to fire indiscriminately at the approaching Word Bearers, hitting a few cultists as stray shots ricocheted off Chaos Space Marines ceramite plating and various wrecks and ruins that seemed to litter every battlefield in Umberon. Nerus managed to take out on of the Word Bearers with a lucky shot that went through the traitor’s eye lens. The mass reactive round made short work of the traitor’s brain. “Gearr Sìos!” (Cut them down!) Alesandro shouted as he and his squad rose from cover and jetted towards their foes. Whenever in combat the Archangels tended to speak in their native tongue of Gelaryian. Aphael led the charge ahead of his captain his plasma pistol sizzling in his hands as he fired it at the Word Bearers. The Word Bearers reacted with the speed and fluidity only Spacemarines seemed to possess and turned their fire towards their oncoming foe. Deadly bolts filled the air and Alesandro cursed as Bartello was hit and fell to the ground. He didn't see his battle brother get hit but he could see from Bartello's vital signs in his HUD that the veteran was not long for this world. He only allowed himself a fraction of a moment of sadness for his comrade before another Word Bearer was dropped by Nerus and then the two groups collided. Alesandro charged towards the leader of the Word Bearers, The aspiring Champion snarled a challenge and lunged towards the Captain, Alesandro only just managed to dodge the swipe, the Champion moved fast, faster than an Astartes should. He swung again and the Capitan of the 6th just managed to lock their weapons together. They struggled back and forth trying to get an upper hand until Alesandro simply just jumped straight into the air activating his thrusters on his jump pack. While in the air he unclamped his Grav-pistol and fired at the champion, watching in satisfaction as the traitor marine's helmet crumpled. He landed again and looked around at the carnage he and his honour guard had created. "Dontus, attend to brother Bartello. When this battle is finished we shall send him on his journey to Mohr" Alesandro said before radioing to a strike cruiser in Umberon's atmosphere "The DZ is secured, only mild resistance encountered, though brother Bartello has been slain. Send down the ships" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctor Perils Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Hey, pretty good ! You definitely feel like you're in the action, so that's a good sign. On the other hand, I would recommend you give a second look at the punctuation: it is often overlooked by some writers, but it contributes massively to the overall reading experience I find. Also, if possible, give the text the default font of the Bolter and Chainsword please (I've made a similar comment to somebody else recently, I hope people aren't going to start calling me font-guy ) The easiest way to do this is to cut all of your work in the visual editor, and paste it in the source editor: that way you'll get rid of the Word formatting that doesn't necessarily work well on the forum. But yes, for the actual story itself it's a good start. (Probably a very short introduction in italics so that you know what year and location it is, what kind of campaign you're fighting in, so that it doesn't feel as "in your face", but that's just a matter of taste) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EesiOh Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 Hey, pretty good ! You definitely feel like you're in the action, so that's a good sign. On the other hand, I would recommend you give a second look at the punctuation: it is often overlooked by some writers, but it contributes massively to the overall reading experience I find. Also, if possible, give the text the default font of the Bolter and Chainsword please (I've made a similar comment to somebody else recently, I hope people aren't going to start calling me font-guy ) The easiest way to do this is to cut all of your work in the visual editor, and paste it in the source editor: that way you'll get rid of the Word formatting that doesn't necessarily work well on the forum. But yes, for the actual story itself it's a good start. (Probably a very short introduction in italics so that you know what year and location it is, what kind of campaign you're fighting in, so that it doesn't feel as "in your face", but that's just a matter of taste) great advice. All of that shall be done some time today. Also thanks for taking up so much of your time and efforts for a new guy. Its really improved my experience 100% (TY Font Guy) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctor Perils Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Don't worry about it. You know, I'm a new guy too of course ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EesiOh Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 You know, I'm a new guy too of course ? No I had know idea. You talk and act like a veteran. Im doubly impressed with you. Ok ill do some touch ups on this and on my AI for Archangels and if its to your liking I will upload it to the Liber Astartes Wikia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EesiOh Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 ++Del'taar Sector++ ++Angelus System++ ++Angels Eyre, orbiting Gelarys++ Chapter 2 Alesandro stalked through hallowed halls of the very upper reaches of the Angels Eyre. Alesandro had just come out of a meeting with Araqiuel Harbex; Chapter Master of the Archangels. Alesandro radiated anger as he stalked towards his living quarters, his very presence sending Chapter Serfs and other underlings that wandering about scuttling out of the way. The Chapter Master's plan rankled with the captain of the 6th Company. He didn't mind that it was himself and his honour guard that would be leading the assault on Peleus Primae, an outlying planet in the Peleus system what rankled was that they were going to be supported, not by their chapter but by a regiment of Astra Militarum, The Vostroyan's to make it worse. Alesandro snarled his frustration as he keyed the access code to his chambers. Once inside he sent a message to all the members of his honour guard to come to his chambers. He placed his helmet down and then waited, the red hot anger slowly abating. Nerus frowned as a pulsing blip appeared in his heads up display. Holstering his smoking guns he left the gun range and began the trek up towards the command levels of the Angels Eyre. Aphael opened his eyes and, with a smile displaying his fangs, went to answer his Captains's call to war. In the training decks Bartello and Gavriel disengaged from each other in a flurry of blades, stowing away their weapons and bowing to each other they marched in lock step towards their summons. Dontus cursed as the alert beep began playing in his helmet over on the bench. He carefully removed his reductor from the corpse on his operating table and cleaned it before dashing out of the Apothacarium, leaving his helmet where it was in his hurry. The first to enter into his chambers was Aphael, which came as no surprise to Alesandro. Aphael walked in with his helmet by his side, he clasped his hand to a fist and banged it against his aquila "Ceàd Mîl Faèl" Aphael intoned solemnly to his captain before cracking a smile. "And welcome to you too brother" Alesandro returned, Aphael's near permanent good mood infecting even the moody captain. Aphael placed his helmet beside Alesandro's and then stood next to him and slightly behind him. Aphael opened his mouth to ask a question but as he did Nerus walked in. Nerus took off his helmet and nodded to both of them before placing it near theirs. The gun-slinger was a taciturn person at the best of times, happier in a firing range or on the field of battle than anywhere else. He merely stood near the other two, curious, but knowing that it was better to wait for everyone else to arrive to get answers. Bartello and Gavriel entered together. The two supporting members of the honour guard often did things together as unlike the specialists in the squad they fought with the same weapons and with similar styles making practising together the obvious logical choice. Bartello entered with his helmet off while Gavriel was in the middle of taking off his. They both placed theirs down near the others and standing together they placed a fist on the aquila and called out "Ceàd Mîl Faèl" which prompted an ironic smirk from Aphael. Alesandro ignored him as did the others in the room. "Ceàd Mîl Faèl" Replied Alesandro in the same way. Finally after a few more minutes of impatient waiting Dontus entered the room "My apologies brothers" Dontus said in a flustered voice. He wiped sweat off his bare forehead, he had not brought his helmet with him and he flusterdly muttered a quick apology along with the traditional Gelaryian greeting. "I am sorry my Captain, I was operating" he said apologetically before standing by the others Alesandro nodded his acceptance of the apology. The group formed a circle around their captain and listened to what he had to say. When he was finished none of his command squad were happy. "****ing Vostroyan's" Nerus muttered darkly. The others echoed his sentiments "But why does our Chapter Master give us the backing of Astra Miliatrum" Bartello spat "Rather than the backing of our chapter" Alesandro frowned at Bartello " I agree with you brother. However it does not do well to doubt out Chapter Master like that. He has his reasons... however distasteful they are" He paused for a moment "You all know what you must do. We need to take the Bordas System back, and we are the ones heading this task force, we have a week to prepare before we deploy. Ready yourselves my brothers" . With that last sentence he made a cutting motion with his hands and the meeting was over. The members all filed out save for Aphael "are you sure you don't know what our Chapter Masters reasons are?" He asked Alesandro just gave him a dirty look and turned away. Shrugging Aphael left the chamber. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EesiOh Posted August 6, 2015 Author Share Posted August 6, 2015 ++Del'taar Sector++ ++Bordas System++ ++Umberon++ ++512.M38++ Chapter 3 Alesandro stood in front of his squad, all of whom where standing rigidly stock still. They looked up at the distinctive roar of a Valkyrie Assault Carrier. Which, moments later roared into view bearing the large V marking it as a Vostroyan aircraft. Alesandro gritted his teeth slightly but kept his steely gaze focused right in front of him. The Valkyrie slowed and began to lower itself towards the designated DZ, it hovered just above the ground and the troops inside began to disembark. At the head of the troops was a jolly looking High-captain followed by his own officers "Greetings Astartes" He boomed, his thick accent adding to pure goodwill that seemed to emanate from him. Alesandro bowed his head and with his hand to his aquila intoned "Téigh ort féina" (Go **** yourself) Only Aphael reacted, by raising one eyebrow by a minute fraction. The High-captain merely smiled, not understanding Alesandro's words. "Thank you for securing the area for us... Alesandro, I believe your name is" Alesandro merely nodded as he swallowed the anger that had bubbled up inside him. Retrospectively, swearing at an Astra Militarum High-Captain wasn't necessarily a good choice, but the pompous prick had deserved it. Where had his promised soldiers been when Alesandro and his group had had to nearly single handedly secure the drop zone, with only 40 imperial guardsmen at their backs. "It was a pity that one of your brothers had to die-" The High-captain didn't manage to get further before Gavriel angrily cut him off "He didn't have to die if we had had the amount of men you said we would have Bartello would still be alive." Gavriel's eyes blazed with anger as he looked at the Guardsmen "Striapach Ma, Hifreann leat" (Whore-son, To the warp with you) Gavriel was so angry that he had begun to slip into speaking Gelarysian. "Gavriel, Shut your mouth or I will shut it for you. You're stripped of your wings you here me you insubordinate dog!" Aphael was disappointed but inwardly pleased that Alesandro had come to his senses. Whilst Gavriel's sentiments were echoed by the whole squad talking that way to a High-Captains face was dangerous at best. Alesandro turned and gave the captain a tight smile. "I'm sorry, Borishkov, he and Bartello were... very close, He will be severely disciplined" Borishkov nodded and the High-Captains seemingly never ending good mood returned "It is uncommon for Space Marines to be so emotional isn't it. no? he said as Alesandro and Borishkov and their respective groups moved towards the designated command area, with the disgraced Gavriel bringing up the rear. Alesandro, Aphael and Borishkov entered the command tent while the rest of the Alesandro's squad went off to different areas of the camp to do their duties. Borishkov turned to Aphael and Alesandro. "As the highest ranking person on this planet, you all answer to me. I did not want to disrespect a space marine in front of my guardsmen, but if I sense any dissent from any of you I have no doubt you're chapter master will not react well" Borishkov said, some of the humour leaving him replaced by a cool, imperious attitude, something all members of the Vostroyan elite seemed to posses. Alesandro nodded his head slightly but inside he was fuming, 'how DARE a human talk to a captain in anyway, mortal ranks meant little to a post-human, especially an Archangel' Aphael could sense the anger from his captain and hoped he wouldn't snap, He seriously doubted that Araqiuel Harbex, the Archangel Chapter Master would take any kind of action against Alesandro or his men, but the High-captain could believe what he wanted. With the two space marines seemingly agreeing with him Borishkov smirked and then began to talk about war. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrack Posted August 9, 2015 Share Posted August 9, 2015 Good stuff. I like how you started the story with some compelling action scenes to set the hooks into the readers before reeling us in with the character development. I also like the chapter's language, it adds flavor to the chapter, and it used in just the right amount, not overdone, but not too sparse either. Are you using a real life language for Gelatysian? I guess if I had to offer any suggestions, I would go through the first chapter and check the capitalization. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EesiOh Posted August 9, 2015 Author Share Posted August 9, 2015 Good stuff. I like how you started the story with some compelling action scenes to set the hooks into the readers before reeling us in with the character development. I also like the chapter's language, it adds flavor to the chapter, and it used in just the right amount, not overdone, but not too sparse either. Are you using a real life language for Gelatysian? I guess if I had to offer any suggestions, I would go through the first chapter and check the capitalization. its pretty much just bastardised gaelige(Irish Gaelic) (put stuff in Google translate, if i like the sound of it use it, if not alter it slightly) ty for both support and the advice, i will do that right now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EesiOh Posted August 16, 2015 Author Share Posted August 16, 2015 ++Del'taar Sector++ ++Bordas System++ ++Savaaz++ ++513.M38++ Chapter 4 Alesandro snarled in frustration, It had been a 11 months since the Archngels first deployed to the Bordas system, having retaken Umberon from the Word Bearers they had begun the process known colloquially as planet-hopping. Using Umberon as a staging post the Archangels and Vostroyans had been moving from planet to planet. Despite their progress, and despite reinforcement in the form of the rest of the 6th company finally being deployed, Alesandro was still not happy. Borishkov still had overall command of the ground forces though and seemed determined to use the majority of the Space Marines in the most idiotic ways he could think of. As the war dragged on Alesandro found himself getting more and more frustrated with both the Vostroyan commander, but also all the Vostroyans in general. Their arrogance and snobbery a match for that of any one of the Archangels, but whereas the Vostroyans believed they were superior to there counterpart guardsmen, the Archangels knew they were. Alesandro went down to the makeshift firing range and nodded to Nerus, he was not at all surprised to see the veteran gunslinger there. He began to fire away at the targets, attempting to clear his mind and focus on his training, yet even as every mass-reactive round found its mark, his thoughts couldn't clear. Giving a reciprocated nod of farewell to Nerus he laid down the two bolt pistols he had been using and left to seek out his command area Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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