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Liber Challenge VI - The Black Hands


Kelborn

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"Igor! It is moving! It is ALIVE!"

Hey there,

at long last I am ready to upload my war band for the Liber Challenge Six - Chaos Space Marines, the Black Hands!

First of all, my second post will include everything I made about them. This first post shall be a short introduction of what it is all about.

The Black Hands are a war band which separated from the Swords of Haldroth chapter. Who the hell are the Swords of Haldroth? Have a look at the Carmin Blades chapter and you will see.

My really first impression was a khornate war band that isn't as mindless as the stereotypical Khorne followers. So I searched the internet and found some quotes about the very first impressions of Khorne as a god of war. That would actually fit. Therefore the Black Hands do worship him as the god of war instead of the typical BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD-thing. They would be disciplined, venerating Khorne by waging war and fighting in his name. But on a tactical, strategic level. Although they do have their own kind of berserkers and possessed, but you will see. msn-wink.gif

I wanted to give them some fanatical behaviors. So I took the bloody culture of the Aztec and used it to create their belief, their organization and their home world, etc. I found this homepage (http://www.legendsandchronicles.com/ancient-warriors/aztec-warriors/) which helped me quite a lot.

After I put all of these in a mixer, the Black Hands came out. I still have one minor issue with their battle cry. Maybe some of you can help me when you read their fluff.

So I hope you enjoy reading like I had writing them.

As usual, feedback is welcomed. smile.png

Kind regards,

Kelborn

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Black Hands

 

 

Warcry: 

Founding:

Successors of: Swords of Haldroth

Successor Chapters: None

Number: ca. 500

Primarch: Roboute Guiliman

Chapter Master: Alek Venar

Homeworld: Haldroth (former); Chalamor V (currently),

Allegiance: Khorne

Colours: Carnelian Red, Bone White and Black Details

 

 

 

 

“When we are crushing the black and corrupt hearts of our foes, we will find our hands blackened. One cannot win a war without digging in the dirt.” – Alek Venar, Lord of the Black Hands

 

History

 

The Chapter which gave birth to the Black Hands was originally named the Swords of Haldroth after their feral recruiting world. They had long suffered from what they called the "blood-curse," but had hidden their Flaw from prying eyes for fear of Inquisitorial sanction. Officially they were recorded as successors of the Ultramarines. It is unclear whether this came about as a result of an error within the Administratum, or an intentional ruse put in place by the Chapter’s leaders in ages past.

 

The story, which leads to the Black Hand’s founding, began in a harmless system named Korrass. A relative peaceful system with three habitable and two uninhabitable planets, it only had some problems with raiding pirates. The fact that the three habitable planets, Amalis, Tagedu and Konax were so rich of resources and food, made them the main supporter of the nearby Forge World Texonas II and several hundred regiments of the Astra Militarum. Therefore it was reinforced with several regiments and orbital defense platforms. Even the lords of Texonas II established a small outpost at the edge of the system to prevent any further raiding and to guarantee a constant stream of supplies.

Likely as it was, Korrass would be attacked by the traitorous forces of Chaos. A huge fleet of several renegade warbands unified under the banner of the Iron Warriors invaded the system to plunder the system’s resources. Furthermore by raiding Korras, the lord of this crusade, warsmith Tso’tun, wanted to cut Texonas II off of their support lines as it was their main goal to invade the Forge World.

 

The invasion was so fast, brutal and efficient that the defenders of Korrass were scattered across the system. Planet by planet Tso'tun conquered the system until only Konax remained. The surviving defenders regrouped there and hoped to hold on long enough until reinforcements would come. Tso’tun laid siege on Konax and it lasted one week  because of the heroic commitment of its defenders. At long last the warp opened and a sizable loyal force including dozens of Astra Militarum regiments, elements of the high Inquisition and a strike force of the Swords of Haldroth, arrived and immediatly attacked the forces of chaos. The loyal forces were commanded by Lord Inquisitor Ingues Torkedaz of the Ordo Malleus and captain Alek Venar of the Swords of Haldroth chapter.

 

What happened then is unknown to the imperial scholars. Only when a second fleet of the Swords of Haldroth arrived in the system the Imperium got to know the results of this bloody crusade. The invading forces of Chaos were scattered and have fled into the warp. Nearly all of the Astra Militarum members were slain. Only a handful survived the atrocities on Konax and every each of them had to be silenced because of their contact with demonical forces. Lord Inquisitor Torkedaz was slain by Alek Venar himself, an unbelievable act of treachery. As it seems, all surviving members of Venar’s strike force had switched their loyalty and broke off of the Imperium. Only Bastis Shan, a Librarian attached to Venar’s forces tried to deny the opening of a warp rift on top of a huge construction, having the shape of a pyramid. By giving his life, he was able to close the Warp rift and prevent any further demonical invasions. The traitorous forces of Venar were immediately attacked by their former brothers to avenge the death of the heroic Bastis Shan and those who had fallen. Barely Venar’s forces escaped this engagement and fled into the warp as well. His last words to his former brothers were:

 

“You were fooled! Nothing is as it seems! You have damned your own brothers instead of listening to us!... When this war will end, just remember this... It was you who betrayed us!”

 

Shortly after the so called Korras Crusade a new threat started to raid the edge of the Yamatar sub-sector far away. They call themselves the Black Hands and if the records are true, it seems that they are indeed the remnants of Alek Venar's strike force.

 

Homeworld

 

Chalamor V, new homeworld of the Black Hands after escaping their pursuer, is a feral world and the landscape of the planet is verdant primordial jungle. Only ancient temples, mountains and small settlements break through the thick tendrils of creepers and dense forests. There is no central capital as the inhabitants, calling themselves Chalas live in several rivaling tribes. All of those tribes are in permanent conflict against each other. They are raiding each other to obtain resources and take prisoners to sacrifice them. The temples of Chalamor V are more pyramidal, which seems to have its roots in the cultural practices of the native peoples in the Age of Strife.

 

All of the native tribes sacrifice humans to specific gods like Elek-Cetentzh, god of death and debirth or Lanescha, the god of joy. Most of them worship Kholoharne, the god of war. Unknown to them, those gods are indeed the dark ones, feasting upon their souls. The poor victims of those heretical ceremonies are placed on a sacrificial stone. Then the priest would cut through the abdomen with an obsidian blade. Before and during the killing, priests and audience (who gathered in the plaza below) stabbed, pierced and bled themselves as autosacrifice. Hymns, whistles and percussive music marked different phases of the rite. The heart would be torn out still beating and held towards the sky in honor of the War-God; the body would be carried away and either cremated or given to the warrior responsible for the capture of the victim. He would either cut the body in pieces and send them to important people as an offering, or use the pieces for ritual ceremonies. The warrior would thus ascend one step in the hierarchy of the chalamorian social classes, a system that rewarded successful warriors.

 

Most victims were captured in so called Dawn Wars, a ritual warfare which was formed by the chalamorian people. The objectives of those Dawn Wars were to capture victims alive for human sacrifice, battle tactics were designed primarily to injure the enemy rather than kill him. After towns were conquered their inhabitants were no longer candidates for human sacrifice, only liable to regular tribute. Slaves also could be used for human sacrifice, but only if the slave was considered lazy and had been resold three times.

Those rituals were integrated in the existing ceremonies of the Black Hands which they brought with them from Haldroth.

 

 “You have to capture prisoners to show your skill in battle! Every idiot can kill and maim everything in front of him but only a true warrior can control his rage and is able to take prisoners. Only a true warrior is allowed to be part of the Blood-Giving and –Taking! Only then you can be one of us! Only then you will receive the blessings of our God!” – Gorgez, the voice of war, addressing members of the Brood

 

  • Base of Operations:  In order to carve out an existence as Renegades, the Black Hands needed to establish themselves in the most convoluted and hostile environment in the galaxy. To survive, they had to fight off the blood-curse, establish a new homeworld and make strange new alliances with other traitorous forces. No longer lapdogs of the Imperium, they learned to take what they needed. Good thing was, that nearly all of them stayed with Venar. Most of the new founded warbands were extinct even before they could be a threat because of rivalties and desertions. Their fleet had suffered damage -- the Korrass crusade and the following battles took their toll. Before their excommunication, the Black Hands had the same support as any other space Marines chapter. Like all Space Marines, they were able to service and maintain their arms and fleet. No matter where they were ordered to go in the galaxy, behind them were all the resources of their homeworld back in the home system. From Haldroth, had come a steady supply of genetically-enhanced replacements. The non-stop competition to be accepted by the Swords of Haldroth weeded out all but the most worthy of Aspirants from the feral kingdoms of their home star system. To maintain their fleet, weapons and machines, the Swords of Haldroth sent likely Techmarine candidates to Mars to be trained in the way of the Machine God, and at need they could call further upon the Forge Worlds. All that was now gone. Alek Venar and the Black Hands still had to learn the most basic of tenets for their new existence: to a Renegade nothing is given -- it must all be taken. Retracing their path to the floating Space Hulk the Whole, the Black Hands began to turn the drifting colossus into a new base of operations. To obtain the necessary ressoures they started to raid small encampements, outposts and convois. How long this new routine lasted none could say, but slowly, the Whole inched closer to becoming a protectable base. Han'tzo and his Servitors worked non-stop. Bis knowledge about binding the living energies of the Warp into metal was very helpfull in reclaiming additional parts and reviving specific systems. There was room to work with upon the Hulk, for it was a huge size, composed of several different freighter-class spacecraft melded together through Warp-fusion.It had been Venar’s intent to fill many of the large empty holds on board the Space Hulk with prisoners. These could be turned into slaves and Servitors to aid the Black Hands or for sacrifices. Although they now had a base of operations, Alek Venar knew that the Black Hands lacked the ability to sustain themselves. Luckily for them one large part of the Space Hulk is a ancient and nearly intact battle barge, the Thunderlord which seems to be as old as the Great Crusade and belongs to an unknown legion. Therefore they have the capabilities to transform aspirants into fully augmented battle brothers. Furthermore by supporting the foundry of Ironghast during a Red Corsair's invasion, they also made a pact with the Overseer, guaranteeing additional and sustainable resources. The Black Hands were ready to wage war.

 

The Whole
 

 

Organisation

 

The Swords of Haldroth are strictly organized like the Codex Astartes demands it and their assumed ancestor Roboute Guilliman had planed it.

After the disastrous Korras campaign and the following schism inside the chapter, the former captain Alek Venar rearranged his followers, prohibiting any potential conflicts. As he had crushed the hearts of his former best friend and of the infamous Lord Inquisitor, his gauntlets were blackened. Due to the fact that both, Inquisitor and librarian were corrupted by the same force, their hearts were blackened and rotten. This shall be the symbol for their crusade against the corrupted Imperium. Therefore he and his followers renamed themselves the Black Hands. Although they allied themselves with some forces of chaos, most notably the Ironghast Forges, they are still disciplined. Their everyday life consists of trainings, drills, unholy and bloody ceremonies and to strenghten their might. Through him, Khorne’s will meet reality. Through him, they will bring war, death and annihilation to the Imperium. Through him, they will tear out the corrupt heart of the false emperor and squash it. At last, the god of war will reign.

Alek Venar is their sole leader. He reigns with an iron fist and condemns internal rivalries and senseless bloodshed. At his side are the leaders of the different fractions of the Black Hands.

Because of the Korrass crusade and the betrayal of their former librarian, the Black Hands don’t have any psykers in their ranks. Only astropaths and navigators are tolerated. Their hate towards psykers is one of the many reasons why they joined Khorne’s service.

Gorgez, the only chaplain who survirved the Korrass crusade is still an important advisor of Venar. Instead of worshipping the Emperor of Mankind and his work, Gorgey preaches about war and bloodshed in the god of war’s name, Khorne. On the surface of their new homeworld, Chalamor V, he and Venar found ancient scripts which seem to be the dictates of Khorne. He and Venar used thos scripts and complemented them with their knowledge of the Codex Astartes. They called the result, the book of war. This book serves Gorgez as basis for the Black Hands believe. In the past few years, Gorgez started to train several fanatical followers to be his acolytes. They shall be the next generation of the Black hands Dark Apostles, heralding the coming of annihilation in Khorne’s name. He calls them, his sons of war.

Like the sons of war, the flesh masters, under the guidance of former Apothecary Lamentis, work each and every day to strengthen the Black Hands. They observe the introduction of new aspirants and transform them by implementing the necessary organs. Furthermore they, together with the sons of war, extended the bloody rituals of Haldroth to keep the Blood-Curse in check. Therefore there are many rituals, like the Bloodtaking and the Bloodgiving. By participating in those ceremonies, the Cursed, those brothers fallen to the Blood-Curse, are able to stabilize insofar that they stop their bloodshed and don’t kill themselves.

During the Korras crusade, Venar and his strike force were accompanied by several Techmarines. All of them were slain during a suprise attack which also costed them nearly all of their Devastor marines. Only Gorgez and Lamentis survived this massacre. After their separation of their loyal brothers, the Black Hands only had a handfull of lower Techadepts who had serious problems with keeping their wargear in a good shape. Shortly after their escape, they again met Han’tzo, an Iron Warrior warpsmith. He saw their potential of being Khorne’s chosen and therefore joined them. Furthermore he was upset with Tso’tun for failing the Korrass crusade and leaving him behind. Nowadays Han’tzo is the Black Hands warpsmith, keeping their wargear intact and creating further atrocities. All adepts now work under his perverted knowledge of the Dark Mechanicum.

Furthermore the Black Hands consists of several fractions:

  • The Brood; All aspirants who want to join the ranks of the Black Hands, are called the Brod. Other than most of the followers of chaos, the Black Hands still make use of a strict recruiting process. The Brood serves as the warbands eyes and scouts. While the enemy is distracted by the Black Hands, the Brood destroys their supply lines and take captives. Those captives are later sacrificed in Khorne’s name and are an important part of the Bloodtaking. An aspirant can achieve prestige by capturing more victims than his brothers. This is a necessary step in becoming a full pledged member of the Black Hands.

 

  • Brothers; All normal members of the Black Hands are simply called brothers. They are split in squads of 8 to 10 brothers. Those squads are called Talons and are named after their sergeant, i.e. Talon Akroma or Talon Huld. After the disastrous Korrass crusade, the few remaining Devastor marines were integrated into the tactical squads, enhancing their arsenal and firepower.

 

  • The Cursed; The Cursed are those members of the Black Hands, who have fallen to the Blood-Curse. While some of them maintain the role of the warbands assault squads and Berserkers, some of them are completely lost to the curse, losing nearly all of their humanity. Those nearly lost brothers pledge themselves to Khorne and open their bodies and souls to be entered by demons. Therefore the Black Hands have a pack of possessed marines. Besides Alek Venar, only Gorgez is able to control the Cursed and acts as their Alpha. 

A member of the Cursed

 

Symbols of Might

Chalamor V has many unusual species of flora and fauna, from the jewelled

rotorbug to the mighty Concolore. The Concolore (Puma Chalamores) is a

solitary, opportunistic, stalk-and-ambush predator at the top of the Chalamor V

food chain. A compact and well-muscled animal well adapted to Chalamor's

Jungles, the Concolor is an opportunistic hunter and its diet encompasses at

least 76 species, including unfortunate members of the Brood who happen to

be too close to a hungry Concolore. A member of the Brood who suceeds in

escaping one is seen as marked by the God of War for great things. The

Concolore has long been a symbol of power and strength to the nobles and

priests of Chalamor V. Wearing a Concolore’s coat is a common symbol along

the elite warriors of each tribe and furthermore the Black Hand’s Reapers.

  • The Reapers; Alek Venar’s strike force was joined by some of the deadliest members of the Swords of Haldroth. Squads of the famous first company have accompanied him and still do so. The survivors renamed themselves as the Reapers. They were the first who pledged their loyality to Venar after the shocking betrayal of their former friend and brother. Now they serve him as bodyguards and elite shock troops, crushing his foes with unmatched fury. They are the only members allowed to wear the few remaining suits of Terminator armor. Furthermore they kept the traditions of Haldroth by wearing trophies of their best fights, shaving their heads and wearing special tattoos which resemble their deeds.  

 

  • Burning Blades;  Hakkarax, herald of Khorne, serves his dark master since the beginning of time. Therefore he recognizes Khorne not only as the war of senseless slaughter but most of all as the god of war. During the centuries he gathered a sizable force of demons under his banner. Even a Bloodthirster of the eight rank joined his burning crusade. He and his demons fought on terra and after their defeat he allied himselve with Han’tzo. As Hakkarax would bring him his enemies and lesser demons, Han’tzo would transform them into hellish weapons of war which would serve the Burning Blades. Because of Han’tzo’s help, Hakkarax was able to drown several systems in their own blood until they were stopped by the Imperium. Recently he extended his alliance with Han’tzo and included Alek Venar and his Black Hands. The Black Hands, like Hakkarax, venerate Khorne by inflicting war and winning their battles rather then headless charging the enemies lines and being killed before reaching them. Together they will destroy the Imperium and the universe will be consumed by Hakkarax’s burning crusade.

In the last few years the Black Hands were able to restock their numbers. In the last years of the 41st millennium, their numbers are about 500 brothers, including several Dreadnaughts and Hellbrutes.

 

Recruitment

 

Space Marine Chapters recruit by seeking out the best of Mankind's natural warriors. This is why so many Chapters recruit from Feral or Death Worlds, where survival is not a birthright, but an accomplishment achieved by only the strongest and fittest. The Swords of Haldroth recruit from their home world Haldroth, a planet where warfare between rivals heightened the competition and ensured those who survived were excellent Space Marine candidates. Now, as the Black Hands, Venar sought to emulate their old recruitment and training cycle on their new base of operations, Chalamor V. Those who wish to become Black Hands have to proof themselves as capable warriors of their tribe. During the Dawn Wars the priests of a tribe have an eye on every warrior participating. Only those who are covered in the enemy’s blood and took some prisoners are proposed to Gorgez’s followers. Furthermore, there was another stream of potential candidates already en route to the Whole. The Black Hands were gaining a reputation inside the renegade forces of Chaos. Many bands of Cultists and the lesser enclaves of rebellious Chaos Space Marines remembered them with angst, recalling their efficient but brutal attacks during the defense of Ironghast. In all human societies, power has an alluring draw, but nowhere is that more true than in the Eye of Terror or in the Maelstrom. Many of these so-called "dark pilgrims" banded together and left the repressive Imperium, searching for a new life, seeking to make something of them. Most die horrible deaths, being but fodder or sport for Renegades or daemons. To survive in that environment requires skill, toughness and a certain psychotic edge -- the very same qualities produced by the most ferocious of Death Worlds. Some of the novices that reached the Whole were young enough to receive the gene-seed implants, although they still had to prove themselves to begin the process. Those who had spent too long near the Warp overflow already were too genetically contaminated for their bodies to accept the organs but they too served a purpose. Some were fashioned into Servitors, or joined the growing factions of Chaos Cultists that were drawn to joining the Black Hands's cause.

 

Combat Doctrine

 

Unique among the ranks of Khorne’s followers, the Blak Hands make heavily use of tactis and strategy instead of rushing the enemy down. As they venerate him as the absolute god of war, they are following his teachings deliverd in the book of war.

Before they go to war, the use the Brood to gather as much informations as possible. Capturing enemy troopers or officers is highly regarded in their ranks. When those captives have served their purpose, they are ritually sacrificed to gain Khorne’s favor in the coming war. This ceremony is called the Bloodtaking.

After evaluating the informations, the Black Hands march to war. Members of the Brood are send to destory the enemy’s infrastructure. The bulk of their forces will attack the weakest pont of the adversarial lines. Tanks and nightmarish creatures like Maulerfiends defend their flanks, while Cybots and Hellbrutes give fire support. When they reach the borderlines of the enemy, all resistance is futile. The Black Hands have come to praise the god of war and annihilate everything in their wake.

The Cursed will be set free and they will charge into the enemies line, slaughtering everyone on sight. The bloodshed can be so intense that the barriers between the mortal realm and the warp will breach. That is the time when Hakkarax and his Burning Blades will join the fight. When this is happening, all hope of salvation or mercy will be invalid, for there is none.

After defeating the enemy and achieving the mission, the Burning Blades leave the mortal realm. Gorgez and his sons of war move out to capture all members of the Cursed. The main bulk of the Black Hand will also move out and search for resources and captives for the following rituals. Those who survived the bloodshed will be brought to the Whole. Some of them will be reborn as servitors but most of them will fall victim to the unholy ritual called the Bloodgiving.

Most members of the Black hands modify their boltpistols and guns by adding small chainblades on them. Therefore they can use them in close combat more effectively. Furthermore they don’t have the possibilities to create power weapons. As a result, the bulk of them use chainblades. Some power weapons, treated as holy artifacts of war, remained over the years and are given to the most experienced warriors. A warrior holding a mighty power sword or lightning claws is one of the most respected members of the Black Hands.

 

Geneseed

 

The Swords of Haldroth’s geneseed is pure and stabil. At least that is what the records of the Administrarium said. They declared themselves being successors of the Ultramarines. If this is true, none can say. Neither the Ultramarines nor the Administrarium can confirm this. To make matters worse, all documents concerning the examinations of their geneseed and their founding are lost. Even the Swords of Haldroth don’t have any reports of their founding. All documents concerning their geneseed are locked away in the depths of the Administrarium. Rumors have it that a high ranking member of the Ordo Malleus had a decent role in their disappearance.

Unknown to the wider Imperium, the Swords of Haldroth suffers since their founding. The so called Blood-Curse damns them to be bloodthirsty and unstable. If a brother falls under the influence of the Blood-Curse, he nearly looses all of his humanity und becomes a frantic beast. The chapter is working on a cure but success is still missing. Therefore every brother falling to the curse will be brought to their fortress monastry and will be given the Emperor’s final peace. The Black Hands inherit this curse. Over the years since their separation, more and more brothers are lost to the senseless blood thirst. Alek Venar and his council still search for a cure but they only found a way to contain it's flaws by utilizing atrocious rituals. 

 

 

 

Known Members
  • Alek Venar, Lord of the Black Hand: Alek Venar was the captain of the chapter’s 4th company. Well known as a brilliant tactician and a master of war he was amongst the most entrusted members of the then known Swords of Haldroth. Rumors had it that he would succeed the current chapter master. As a hero he started a crusade to defend the Korrass system. As a traitor he returned, his hands blackened by smashing the corrupt hearts of his enemies. As Khorne’s chosen he rules the Black Hand and will bring death and annihilation to the Imperium of Man. Therefore he is venerated as their ultimate leader and prophet. Since the Korrass crusade only a few tried to challenge his leadership. None was successful. Furthermore his talents in tactics and strategies bolster his reputation even further up.
  • Mah‘lanis, the Eternal: Mah'lanis served the Swords of Haldroth since their founding. At least that is what he thinks.  None can say when we was embedded in the hull of a Contemptor-Dreadnaught. Be it because of his age or other reasons, his memories are obscure and bewildered. After the desastrous Korrass crusade he joined Alek Venar’s ranks. Disappointed and shocked by betrayal and deception he swore to avenge his fallen brothers and destroy the Imperium he served so long.
  • Mandar: Mandar is the leader of the Reapers. He was a sergeant of the former first company and now serves as Venar’s bodyguard and right hand.
  •  Gorgez, the voice of war: A former chaplain of the Swords of Haldroth, Gorgez was well known for his faith and his abilities as chaplain and as a warrior. He was one of the most trusted advisors for Alek Venar. After the betrayal during the Korrass crusade and the following attack of their own brothers, his faith was shattered. He became a shadow of his former self. After discovering the ancient scripts of Khorne, he had something to beliebe in: that war is the only truth! Nowadays he preaches of waging war in Khorne’s name. The Cursed gathered aroung him, seeing him as their Alpha. Next to Venar, Gorgez is the only person able to control the Cursed.
  • Lamentis, Priest of blood: Lamentis was the former Apothecary in Venar’s company.Well known for his sens of humor, he now is the extreme opposite. He performs his duties covered in silence. The few times he says something, it is fulfilled with sarcasm and bitterness. He is responsible for the introduction of new aspirants and their ascension to become a full member of the Black Hands.
  • Han'tzo, Warpsmith: Han‘tzo was once a member of the Iron Warriors legion. Under the eyes of his father, Perturabo, he created some of the most devastating weapons during the great crusade and later on during the Horus Heresy. Furthermore he was a member of the secret Lyssatra brotherhood. After their defeat on Terra, Han’tzo wandered through the Eye of Terror, taking every chance to learn more from the Dark Mechanicum. During this time he allied himself with the daemon Hakkarax. Shortly after the Korrass crusade he offered his service toAlek Venar, sensing his potential of destruction. As desperate as he was, Venar accepted. Since them the cruel warpsmith takes care for the Black Hand’s wargear. Furthermore he is in charge of creating more and more weapons for their ongoing war. Armor, weapons and even mighty daemon engines like Maulerfiends or Heldrakes are now among their arsenal. Furthermore he made the alliance betwenn the Black Hands and the Burning Blades possible.
  • Hakkarax, Herald of Khorne: Hakkarax was one of the first heralds Khorne created. Therefore he is one of a few beings who remembers Khorne being a cunning god of war instead of headless slaughter. Since the battle on Terra’s surface he is an ally of Han’tzo. Hakkarax would give him lesser demons and Han’tzo would forge them into mighty daemon engines which again would be used by Hakkarax. His Charnel Cohort, also known as Burning Blades, recently allied themselves with the Black Hands. Together, they will set the universe on fire in the name of the Khorne.
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Just out of interest, how did you come about the name?

 

Well to be honest, it was an accident.

First I tried the Sabretooths. But I couldn't found a reason to call them like that. So I searched the warhammer wiki and the lexicanum for inspiration but nearly every warband of Khorne has Blood in it's name. That wasn't what I was looking for. I was searching for a unique name.

So I ended up and combed through every franchise I knew until I found the Black Hand of NOD http://cnc.wikia.com/wiki/Black_Hand, a fanatical but still high disciplined faction of the NOD brotherhood acting as Kane's hidden hand. That was what I was looking for my own warband in relation to Khorne.

 

That was the behind-the-scenes-reason.

 

The fluff reason will follow in the "Korrass Crusade". You will see that this important event in their history is missing by now. As it is so important for me and for the Black Hand's development that I will upload it in a seperate post. When this is uploaded, you will understand why they call themselves the Black Hands. There are some hints concerning their name in my main article.

 

By the way, part one is online!

 

Kind regards,

 

Kelborn

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Finally, it is done.

 

All parts are online and my contribution for the Liber Challenge is ready for ideas for improvement.

 

I won't stop working on them as there is too much in my head concerning them. They still need some notable engagements and I'm looking forward to post them next.

 

There are two things I'm not quite happy with. I still need a a battlecry. Furthermore I'm searching for a better name for their Space Hulk. At the beginning the Whole seemed to be ok but by now there is really some space for improvement.

 

Hopefully some of you can help me.

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Right, as you asked, here's a break down of my different comments. I'm going to be fairly blunt as always, possibly more so (since you asked me, personally, I get the impression this is what you want).

Overall, I think this is a pretty good idea. I see quite a few loyalist Aztec chapters that are on the verge of being considered heretical (like Aquilanus's Rainbow Warriors), but Khornate sacrifices definitely seem like they would fit that culture (at least for someone like me who knows nearly nothing about the Aztec culture and takes all the stereotypes about them at face value tongue.png ).

Using a canon chapter as a starting point was always going to be dangerous, but you seem to have kept that influence fairly limited which is a good thing (possibly a bit too limited, but we'll come to that later...)

So, here's my list of things. As usual, no particular order:

  1. Pay attention to the general presentation of the article.
    1. Use the forum's default settings for normal text, I get the impression here that you are writing in size 14 rather than 12: this is not a huge problem (i've seen far worse), but it looks strange visually. When pasting from Word (I imagine this is what you did), use the little "paste from word" button at the top of the writing editior, it should normally format the text in the default style. (I was reading this in half screen originally, now that I've gone to full screen it looks more normal)
    2. When jumping lines from paragraph to paragraph, jump two lines, because the forum's format doesn't have double lines like in word: a bit of extra spacing will make the text much more agreeable to read.
    3. Have a quick look at the BBCode tutorial: you have differenciated the section headings already, which is a good thing, but there are some parts of the text would look much better as little side-bars like the ones you see when reading codices. I'm thinking in particular of the description of the Concolore: it's an entertaining read, but it cuts the rhythm of the Homeworld section.
  2. Make sure you keep a common set of tenses, at least in one section: for the moment, you seem to be jumping between past and present tenses in the same paragraph, and that is confusing.
  3. I'd recommend writing this article fully based on the Black Hands, and not jumping between the Black Hands, the Swords of Haldroth and the Carmine Blades. For instance, in the basic information section, you list the the "ancestor" chapter as the Blood Angels: since this is an article about the Black Hands and not the Swords of Haldroth, it would be best to write Swords of Haldroth as their ancestors. This will lead to less confusion in the whole article.
  4. I think it's nice to have a short introduction to what a chapter/warband is about in articles. I know that you already sort of did this in the first post, but that was described as a real world point of view, and not an in-universe one. I find it is useful for readers to have a brief overview, so's they know what to expect: then, if they like the look of it, they can read it; if they don't like the look of it, they just move on. Often though, when you don't see a quick overview, you'll move on in any case, and you then risk losing out on a good piece of entertainment.
    1. However, if you choose to do this, don't go overboard: I see some articles in the 40k wikia that have strictly every bit of information about a chapter in the introduction, which means that it is longer than the rest of the article.
    2. Keep to one or two paragraphs (five to twenty lines let's say), and you should be safe.
  5. I like seeing the little quotes here and there: it lets the reader have an insight into how the people think. It's something I really wish I could do better unsure.png
  6. Your history section unfortunately needs a lot of work: You spend two long paragraphs putting this crusade in place, and then skim over its resolution and the fall of these Swords in one line: "we don't know", then give a short list of supposed atrocities that were comitted. We want to know what happened, why it happened, how it happened, who made it happen... You've obviously got some good ideas in there, you just skip over them when they are in fact the most important part of the history, not putting in place the exact composition of the imperial army.
  7. I find that some of the names you use are disturbing in how derivative they are: when I read Lord Inquisitor Torkedaz, I hear Lord Inquisitor Torquemada Coteaz; when I read Bastis Shan, I hear Bastila Shan... using some names as inspiration is great, having three quarters of the names second hand sounds like rehash. If you have trouble imagining good sounding names, use a name generator, like BehindTheName, which can give you thousands of names from cultures you choose.
  8. "you started it" sounds like a kid having a tantrum. Try finding a better way of saying this.
  9. How did they get to Yamatar? You talk about the Whole a lot later, and we have strictly no idea how this pops up.
  10. You start the homeworld section saying that they come from Chalamor V. What on earth is this, and how did it appear? You don't introduce it before, especially in the History Section.
  11. When speaking about the Concolores, you also speak about the Brood and the Reapers. Again, these haven't yet been introduced. Putting the Concolores in a caption though might reduce this problem.
  12. Give a couple of other examples of gods. Are they all chaos gods? Are they earth spirits? Are they even Xenos gods?
  13. You say that most of Velar's strike force stay with him. Why do they? Is it because he is the strongest? the most cunning? does he systematically have his rivals executed?
  14. You say the fleet suffers damage because of the Korrass crusade and subsequent battles. What subsequent battles?
  15. How come the Black Hands have the same support as a fully fledged loyalist chapter of the Imperium? They are a bunch of new renegades that were part of a SM strike force that was (presumably) much smaller than a chapter, since it was only led by a captain. Why are they still getting support from Haldroth ? This seems extremely dodgy...
    1. I think you yourself are actually getting confused in this section between the Swords of Haldroth and the Black Hands, which further enhances my point about focussing only on the Black Hands, and not the Swords of Haldroth..
  16. How can they retrace their steps to a Space Hulk we know nothing about? Once again, this is poorly introduced.
  17. When do the Black Hands fall ? This is quite important to know, and you can't realistically say that no one in the imperium knows when this crusade happened.
  18. Who are Han'tzo and Bis ?
  19. It seems that the Space Hulk containing a battle barge is a bit Deus Ex Machina, but, hey, the great majority of 40k is Deus Ex Machina tongue.png
  20. The Inquisitor and the Librarian were corrupted? Waat? This is completely new information that comes out of nowhere?
  21. I'm unsure of your reasoning behind the corrupted hearts blackening the hands unsure.png Of course, since you haven't yet given any information on the nature of this corruption I can't really say. If I were you, I'd make it part of the ritual of sacrifice to Khorne, and to the creation of new chaos space marines: To become a true Black Hand, an aspirant needs to capture an enemy in battle, cut his beating heart out and burn it in his hand while he tours the town/congregation to show that he is strong enough to join this "august" brotherhood.
  22. How do they strengthen their might through anything other than training ?
  23. You never said how many swords of Haldroth took part in the Korrass crusade ? It could be as little as 50 or as big as 500, which is far too imprecise
  24. I like this idea of a new Holy Book to Khorne, with disciples and everything
  25. Apothecarii would be a plural. Stick with Apothecary
  26. Your Iron Warriors names all seem to follow the format of Warsmith Hon'su. This is an unusual name among the Iron Warriors (it is a contraction of Honourabl Sulane or something) so I'd recommend looking at the warhammer wiki page to look at other possible Iron Warrior name constructions.
  27. How do they meet Han'tzo the Warpsmith ?
  28. Be more explicit when you say that he creates Daemon Weapons form the Burning Blades, because I thought he was improving the Daemons themselves as warriors
  29. What are Cybots ?
  30. The first time you speak of the Defense of Ironghast as a proper battle is in the Recruitment section. Much too late, I just thought until then it was a Hellforge world that the Black Hands were sworn to defend in the case of a siege
  31. Never say that your chapter is unique in something, it comes across as arrogant in the best of cases, as the Galaxy is such a vast place, and the setting has such a long history that you can't say for sure that something is unique, or the best at this or at that. I haven't got any examples off hand of khornate warbands that follow special tactics or strategies, but I know that you aren't the only one creating a Khornate warband that likes capturing enemies, because my own warband, the Maul, does exactly that.
    1. However, do say that they are unusual in this. It still makes them stand out, but not in an arrogant way.
  32. Annihilating everything in their wake is weird, as the wake is what comes behind you: annihilating everything before you, or leaving destruction in their wake is more appropriate.
  33. You say basically that they kill everything in sight, but several sections ago you said that they took prisoners as sacrifice. Which is it ?
  34. Adding a chainblade to a pistol isn't possible for me, it would make it too bulky to use effectively.
  35. Who the :cuss is Mah'lanis the Eternal ? I'm assuming a Dreadnought who took part in the Siege of Terra ? Why the :cuss is he in a successor chapter ?
    1. Again, I'd focus on the Black Hands, but I can understand it here.
  36. You say that Torcoteaz (sorry, I can really only remember Coteaz, litterally) has found data on them. Yet you just said that all info was lost. Contradiction...
  37. How can we know that Mah'lanis would be one of the oldest soldiers of the imperium because he served with the Swords since their founding, we don't know when their founding was

So, the most important lesson is that you need to work on the introduction of the different elements of your story, because for the moment most elements appear out of nowhere, which is really confusing.

You also need to work on the History section: it really needs fleshing out a lot, because that is arguably the most important section of the whole article. It is also in this section where you should introduce most of the elements that pop up out of nowhere currently.

But it's also important for me to reiterate that this is an interesting article, and this is your fluff, so it's your choice to do what you want with it.

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Thanks!

That's what I was looking for. biggrin.png

Well, some points you mentioned happened only because of my lacking skills in writing English. Yesterday I realized some points like the confusing history or the "Whole out of nowhere" problem. Though I'm proud of completing it I do realize that there are MANY issues which need to be fixed. It is indeed my first completed fluff and I'm glad to get the chance of improving it.

Your right, I should have explained what happened during the Korrass crusade. It is a major part of their story and you as readers don't have the possibility to follow their fall. And this mix of Swords of Haldroth, Black Hands, Blood Angels, etc....man that's really confusing.

My first impressions of Alek Venar was the Jedi Revan, a hero who becomes a threat. I wanted to use those anagrams as easter eggs. Maybe that was a over the top. Today I do agree that some of their names sound to familiar and need to be replaced.

Cybots...omg, sorry. That's the german term for a dreadnaught. ^^"

You know what? I will print out your list and revise them.

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Thanks!

That's what I was looking for. biggrin.png

Well, some points you mentioned happened only because of my lacking skills in writing English. Yesterday I realized some points like the confusing history or the "Whole out of nowhere" problem. Though I'm proud of completing it I do realize that there are MANY issues which need to be fixed. It is indeed my first completed fluff and I'm glad to get the chance of improving it.

Your right, I should have explained what happened during the Korrass crusade. It is a major part of their story and you as readers don't have the possibility to follow their fall. And this mix of Swords of Haldroth, Black Hands, Blood Angels, etc....man that's really confusing.

My first impressions of Alek Venar was the Jedi Revan, a hero who becomes a threat. I wanted to use those anagrams as easter eggs. Maybe that was a over the top. Today I do agree that some of their names sound to familiar and need to be replaced.

Cybots...omg, sorry. That's the german term for a dreadnaught. ^^"

You know what? I will print out your list and revise them.

Ok, Cybots=Dreadnoughts laugh.png

For Venar, I hadn't noticed anything (even though Revan is probably my favourite SW character) so that one isn't such a problem. The names I mentioned particularly though are probably a bit too close...

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So...

some things were cleaned up. Hope that it looks better now.

 

As for the fluff, I really need to work on it. This will last a bit longer.

 

What happened:

 

- Cleaned up the presentation (took the most time as I am not familiar with those codes, etc.)

- cut Mah'Lanis's perplexing fluff

- put the Concolores in an extra box

- worked a bit on Alek Venar's profile

- worked a bit on Chalamor V and it's native's belief

- changed their heritage and primarch

 

To be honest, I still don't have a clue concerning their battlecry and in which millennium the Korrass crusade should happen. Anyone got an idea?

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