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A Broken Throne - Cognis Hereticia, dark mechanicum

dark mecahnicum brotherhood of the lost rules wip models

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#51
Beren

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Placeholder.


Edited by Beren, 01 January 2020 - 05:32 PM.


#52
simison

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BL Fluff Segment (12k words)

Anthology: 30% - Incomplete - (01101101 01101111 01110010 01100101!)

FW Fluff Segment (10k? words)

History: 15% - Incomplete - (Coming into shape)

Organization: 15% - N/A

Exemplary Battles: 15% - N/A

Crunch

Legiones Astartes & Unique Wargear: 10% - N/A

Rites of War: 5%

Unique Units: 5% - Incomplete - (AO had a couple of ideas, but it's up to Beren where to go with them.)

Unique Characters: 5% - N/A

Fabricator-General: 5% - N/A

 

Total - 0%

 

Considering their past ownership, any progress is a welcomed change. 


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#53
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Placeholder.


Edited by Beren, 01 January 2020 - 05:32 PM.


#54
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Question, why does Xander count as a Support Officer? Doesn't he lead his own Forge World?

 

What's 'Paragon of Metal'?

 

Is there a Mechanicum unit that benefits from the input of multiple forces? Perhaps their own version of a Master of Signal/Vilicus?


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#55
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1.He does, but most of the logistics and battle tactics is delegated to the Dominus cadre. He is not entirely inept when it comes to war and wil typically dictate strategic goals, but he also knows that there are specialists with far more experience and skill in the arena of battle than him, and given the choice he will always have them handle it while he works on other stuff.

2. Not subject to programmed behaviour, gains it will not die and rampage, may never count as a scoring unit, always goes malifica if cyberthergy is failed. Limited to a single maniple of a single automata in the detachment.

Meant to represent an exceptionally crafted and possibly heretek subject.

3. I don't think so? Part of the issue is that the interactions have to be with the same army list or the cybernetica reductor ones and it can't be that you get to do everything. Maybe something to do with the techno-arcana that Tech-Priests and Magi get to pick. If, and that's a complicated if, the stuff about dark mech in the Book 9: Your Thoughts thread pans out then it could be about the interactions between pursuits but we can't really decide how to intergrate that list at all until it's out.

#56
Grifftofer

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One relatively minor and simple way I thought of showing the Alliance theme was to restrict you to adding one Independent Character to each unit. To show that even though the Magi are working together there is a limit to the proximity they will allow others to their creations (paranoid? just a bit). Its also a relatively minor change as you don't get too many Independent Characters and the way Mechanicum characters work you don't tend to form them into "Deathstars" anyway.



#57
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1 - What's the difference between a Fabricator-General and an Archmagos Prime?

 

2 - "the state if the system" - State of the system?

 

3 - " of the [g]as [g]iant Menarta."

 

4 - "to launch themselves[, ]albeit with caution,"

 

5 - "a group[']s failure to"

 

6 - Since it's a specific title, I recommend capitalizing 'Frost-born'. I also love the concept.

 

7 - " they had[,] like him[,] been isolated from"

 

8 - "perceived mistreatment[,] they were"

 

9 - "and manipulate[,] until he was"

 

10 - "to himself[,] he was"

 

11 - "When an err on the" - error?

 

12 - I love how Xander uses stability to his own gain. 

 

13 - Is the Imperium's arrival going to have its own section?

 

14 - "was in early 904.M30 whe the " - This might be premature, but this would place the event before the Great Crusade's third decade. Is it intended to be that early?

 

15 - "system immediately[.] Recognising the"

 

16 - " Terran hour[,] later the"

 

17 - "days later[,] they received"

 

18 - "at Hepton[,] the Cognis Prime"

 

19 - What is Malagra?

 

20 - "he looked and the records" - Should it be 'at the records'?

 

21 - "space proper[,] they were" 

 

22 - "Narator’s departure[,] Xander had"

 

23 - " factions, attempting imposing their" - This either needs to be 'attempting to impose' or just delete 'attempting'

 

24 - "Even before assayors[ ]from Mars" - You mean, 'assessors'? Or 'surveyors'?

 

25 - "criticisms[ ]of his superior’s" 


Edited by simison, 07 May 2019 - 11:08 PM.

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#58
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26 - "actions,[ ]both in"

 

27 - "halter them[;] both secretly"

 

28 - " dubious experiments[,] the Fabricator"

 

29 - " Xander pact with one" - I'm confused here. Is it supposed to be 'a pact with one'?

 

30 - "Ten standard years after Xandria’s discovery[,] a new opportunity" - Also, this would place the date at 914.M30. Ixi was discovered on 902 in current fluff.

 

31 - "more covert[,] and many aspects"

 

32 - "notice, her drew parallels" - I'm confused and don't know what to say on this one.

 

33 - Still love how he uses Abyssii's reputation against them.

 

34 - "They approached the matter far more clinically and distantly than their hosts, their augmentation providing them some measure of protection, but one cannot reside in proximity to such powers without cost." - Run-on sentence.

 

35 - "Resultantly, only he" - May I recommend 'As a result'? It's less awkward.

 

36 - "unravelled[,] countless smaller"

 

37 - "[REDACTED].[ ]He had"

 

38 - "of the [W]arp came to" - Warp is always capitalized but not anything combined with Warp, ie warp storms is always lowercase. (Don't really understand FW on this one.)

 

39 - "realisation, Socraes['] own"

 

40 - "help [pave] the way"

 

41 - "careful planning[;] it was an"

 

42 - "guaranteed authority[,] the Astartes"

 

43 - " the Cognis[,] Xandria"

 

44 - " from [humanity's] distant"

 

45 - "vaults of [humanity's] other former"

 

46 - "in orbit[,] they found"

 

47 - "[Progress of the Past, an] ancient"

 

~~~

 

The big writing lesson is keep your dependent clauses separate with commas. Other than that, an enjoyable read. Once all of the fixes have been implemented and verified, we can check off the History box for the Cognis.


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#59
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1. There isn't one. That's just terminology specific to Xandria, like the Supreme Domini for Zhao Arkhad, High Ourteka of M'Pandex or Revered-Comptroller for Phaeton Prime.

 

2. Yes

 

11. I did intend it to be err, but in hindsight that's incorrect use of the word so I'll replace it with error.

 

13. Yes, I just hadn't thought of a name yet. Still not sure about the one I chose.

 

19. Malagra, alternately spelled Mhalagra, is the heretek hunting branch sect of the Mechanicum.

 

20. Yes.

 

24. Assayers. 'assayance taskforce' and 'sent to assay' have both been used in the Black Books to refer to Martian fleets sent to assess a Forgeworld and/or collect tribute.

 

29. Yes.

 

30. The wiki states that it was a further twelve years before he took command due to the whole 're-education' thing.

 

35. Decided to cut that part of the sentence all together. Seemed superfluous.

 

 



#60
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13 - How about the 'Threat of Regress'? It highlights Xander's view without necessarily the author agreeing with him.

 

24 - I stand corrected.

 

30 - I stand corrected again. 

 

On a private note, it's much easier to look at the text with a unified font size/shape. 

 

Number 17 has not been corrected.

 

Number 39 has not been corrected. 

 

Number 47, remove the apostrophes. The italics is enough to give the ship name.

 

48 - "power of the [W]arp."

 

Total Word Count: 4,850 words. 

 

Again, I'm not sure if we've determined the Mechanicum factions have to reach the full word count as a Legion. If we were to do so, 3k for the Exemplary, and 2.5k(?) for the Organization (if there is an organization), leaves the Cognis roughly 1k-1.7k words short of a full account.


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#61
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13 Agreed

The rest has been corrected. A Red Box detailing the Xandrian system in detail could be due. Another one detailing what could be a vaguely 'The Thing'esque outbreak resulting in an enclave's destruction (and a Cohortius' downfall) is a thought that has come to mind.

#62
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Verified the corrections. The main body of the chapter is now ready to be placed in a PDF.

 

The Xandrian system would give us the groundwork for a later Scouring Campaign to be completed in detail. I'm curious what the 'Thing' outbreak is. Sounds like a possibility to add some Grimdark to the setting if we're not sure the organism was actually destroyed. 


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#63
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Placeholder.


Edited by Beren, 01 January 2020 - 05:33 PM.


#64
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List of Edits:

 

  • " exterminate [the] the threat.
    With new [Add line break]
  • "Cohortius had [its] own"
  • "lacked any [enclaves] under their"
  • "the future[,] few would"
  • "these Dictates [to] refused"
  • "Cohortius Mulnissan, on the other hand had long, as gatherers of data, whether it be significant or not." [No verb/fragment.]
  • " by their lord[']s order,"
  • For the Founding Dictates, are the points about assisting Icarion and refusing the False Omnissiah part of the original set, or were they added a few years before the Day of Revelation?
  • Normally, the Disposition section would include hard numbers. How are you going to handle that?
  • " travel of Xandria[']s new allegiance"
  • "Even today, the complete destruction of many of these remains unverifiable." [Love this idea.]
  • I'm curious if the Gamma incident has any further implications beyond destroying enclave.
  • Is Beyond the Night another box?

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#65
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For the Founding Dictates, those phrases would be part of a more official version issued on the Day of Relavation. I wonder if it might make sense to append a 'Forge XXX variant, year XX' to the start of the red box to make clear that this isn't an entirely universal phrasing, and that different forges possess different iterations at different times.

On numbers, fortunately Tempest actually gives us an example of the strength for Taghmata's Xerxes and Barbarel (60,000 and 35,000 respectively I think) as well as unit grades, which I can play around with. We also get a look at some of the units for Taghmata Sataerel in Extermination, and are given 8,000 defenders at the Prosperine forge fane. The issue is that we are not, as far as I am aware, given the strength for a full Forgeworld, not even Xana or Zhao-Arkhad.

The Gamma incident is at the moment a potential loose end, but I don't have anything planned for it yet.

Beyond the Edge of Night is another Red Box.

Edited by Beren, 25 May 2019 - 03:54 PM.


#66
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  • I like the idea of making it a Forge World variant.
  • Well, at least we have some idea.
  • Fair, it gives us another mystery to play with.
  • Okay. It felt incomplete to me. Looking at it again, I'm not sure it is incomplete, and I'm just having a weird reaction to it. 

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#67
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Edits have been made.

#68
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One last error: " even [during] the early war"

 

The section comes to 2300 words, including just one red box. Pretty decent size. 


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#69
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Done.

#70
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Fixes verified. Created a new PM with Grifft titled 'Red Book: Cognis'. Updating progress tracker.

 

BL Fluff Segment (12k words)

Anthology: 30% - Incomplete - (01101101 01101111 01110010 01100101!)

FW Fluff Segment (10k? words)

History: 15% - Complete

Organization: 15% - Completed

Exemplary Battles: 15% - N/A

Crunch

Legiones Astartes & Unique Wargear: 10% - N/A

Rites of War: 5%

Unique Units: 5% - Incomplete

Unique Characters: 5% - N/A

Fabricator-General: 5% - N/A

 

Total - 30%


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#71
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Placeholder.


Edited by Beren, 01 January 2020 - 05:33 PM.


#72
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  1. "...the planet[']s primary orbital."
  2. "[Without] the lynchpin of the planetary defenses neutralised,[ ]the remnant..."
  3. "...network [was] exposed,..."
  4. "This[, ]however, was no"
  5. "...th[e]n [a] shriek filled"
  6. "...repairs and[,] under certain..."
  7. "... through the [the] fire that..."
  8. "... the Xandrian founded Legio Cybernetica present,..." [I'm a bit confused here. Is it supposed to be 'Xandrian-founded'?]
  9. "...the unsupported[???. ]Immediately the..."
  10. "...of the XIII[th] Legion [began]..."
  11. "... begun [to close]."
  12. "... neutralising weapon[s] emplacements..."
  13. "...writings [as] the..."
  14. "... and maintain[ing] their..."
  15. "...Maw returned[,] they expected..."
  16. "...partially effective this multiplied, but..." [What multiplied?]
  17. "...response [to be received]..."

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#73
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5. I'm fairly sure that the usage of than is correct, like the no sooner had/hardly had phrases.
8. Yep, I also forgot to add cohort to the end of that.
11.Actually that sentence was meant to indicate that they were already part way there, and has been modified accordingly.


Barring 5, the edits have been made. Also, I believe I made some minor edits to the history section (around the Eagle Warriors part) and in organisation (again around the cohort aligned with the Eagle Warriors.

Edited by Beren, 03 June 2019 - 08:56 PM.


#74
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18. "the fleet[']s head the Cognis"

19. "them to war[;] where they"

20. "ranks of Mymridons ever eager to test their capabilities against new foes in homage to the true Omnissiah" [No verb here, unlike the other two clauses.]

 

 

In regards to 5, are you using a passage of time (then) or are you comparing items (than)?


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#75
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Actually, looks like I was confusing 'no sooner had... than' with 'scarcely had... when'. I've corrected it.





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