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Well. How about we first make the easy stuff togheter. So that is done. And then we go for the new stuff togheter as i like to work on it. But i want first dive into the writing style of forgeworld
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Got it. In that case, we'll go through it sequentially. I'll take the first page, Age of the Emperor. It's not a lot, but I want to completely replace the quote, so there's going to be some research work involved. 

 

Sigismund, the next section is yours: Darkness of Old Night.

 

Mikhal, you have the The Unification Wars.

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The Age of the Emperor

 

"No man, no matter his origins, is ever free from the touch of evil. From the lowly abhuman serf to the almighty gene-wrought lord, all are tempted by foul whispers to turn from the path of righteousness. That is why they must be tested and not found wanting. For any man who believes himself above evil has already fallen into its trap!"

 

-Last words of Bischof Surven of Jermani, moments before he was executed for rejecting the Emperor as the OberMann

 

True understanding of the Insurrection requires knowing what came before it, for no event exists in a vacuum. For before the Insurrection were the brief yet bright centuries of the Great Crusade. Before the Great Crusade was the aptly-named Age of Strife and all of its darkness. From darkness to light to darkness, if we are ever to resurrect the light once again, we must know how it was brought forth and how it was extinguished. If we fail in this, then we will be forever shackled to the Insurrection and its horrors.   

 

 

 

[How's that? Is that a good opening and follow-up to the Preface?]

Edited by simison
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I like it.

 

Will rewite mine followinf my response paper for university

 

Sounds good. Unless anyone has anything to say about the opening page, I'll move onto the next section. Technically, that'd be The Dawn of the Imperium, but that's just a two-paragraph section. Since I've already gotten one of the smaller ones, I'll leave that for someone else and tackle The Lords of the Red Planet.

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The Lords of the Red Planet

 

In millennia past, Mars once stood at the forefront of technological prowess, sharing its gifts with all of Humankind. The Age of Strife would forever change that as it scoured its lands with poisonous radiation. Technology was now devoted to maintaining survival instead of searching for a better tomorrow. The survivors would band together to create the Mechanicum, a technological theocracy devoted to preserving and maintaining the secrets of the past. Worshipping the fabled Machine God, or known as the Omnissah, the Tech-priests administered to their laity as they banded together as a parliament of feudal overlords. Henceforth, science and religion were married on a red altar. Ritual and experiments walked hand-in-hand as the Mechanicum transformed the mundane into sacred, creating an enduring civilization that would outlast the Age of Strife.

 

Although it survived, Mars paid a high price. When the warp storms struck and isolated all of Humanity from one and another, the Red Planet lost all contact with its many galactic colonies. Its thrall-navigators unable to find safe passage, Mars soon found itself facing the ancient ills of war, famine, and chaos. While Ancient Earth suffered as well, in some measures, Mars faced worse. After relying on its colonies for food and water for untold millennia, starvation became one of Mars’ chief opponents. The war for the few resources crippled the planet as war claimed planetary radiation shields and macro industrial plants in collateral damage. The artificial ecosystem, completely depended on Humanity for its survival, died in agony as it was slowly poisoned. This began a retreat to life-sustaining bunkers, leaving the surface for the dregs to rule. Within those bunkers, the foundation of the Mechanicum was established as death hungered for their lives. What had begun as a cult of survival evolved into a complex, techno-mysticism. As the bunkers opened, a new war broke out as the Mechanicum sought to take the planet back from a horde of cannibal rad-mutants, half-insane automata, and false minds. The Tech-priest overlords defeated them and restored the ancient rad-shields as they restored order. Creating vast machine-temples, the Tech-priests produced artificial rations and oxygen. Fed and secure, the Mechanicum focused its attention on worshipping technology as they remade Mars in the Machine-God’s image.  

 

 

[First two paragraphs. Anyone want to read over them and give me a thumbs up or down?]

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Just a thought; are we going to Include the Legiones Astartes rules for all legions in Book 1? We can go more in depth, but if all Legions have their minimum ruleset (as opposed to relying on Stubborn or Furious Charge) it allows people to get a taster of all of the legions abilities rather than having to wait until books 2-5?

 

Just needs a page for each legion in the back.

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Okay mates,

 

here is the rewrite of the unification wars. woulc be cool if you reread and revise it, cause as i am no mother tong speaker, there are for sure so many mistakes inside, that a bit of correction would be awesome.

 

Updated the Updated Version: Thx Mr. Squig;;)

 

 

The Unification Wars

 

These were dark times, times without hope, for the people of terra suffered war after war, a never ending cycle of death and destruction. And yet hope rose in form of a single man. It rose from wasted lands, once flowing with life. A warlord, unrivaled in power, emerged and sought to reclaim the lands, unifying them under a single banner. For he was the Emperor, and his strength was not only based on that of arms alone, but also in his mastery of science and the ability of great foresight and rationality, although few surmised the true potential of his might and abilities.

The Emperor reclaimed great portions of Old Earth, unifying those who were willing to join him and destroying those who dared to oppose him. Although he waded through a sea of blood to conquer Earth, he was following a higher calling, restoring humanity to the heights it once had known and casting aside the darkness that befallen it.

When his the time of his conquest arrived, the idols of fear and blind faith were cast down and in their place order and rationality ruled once more.

 

Kalagann of Ursh, Narthan Dume, Simision the three-eyed and countless others were dragged from their thrones by the Emperors hand, aided first by his regiments of genetically enhanced Thunder Warriors and later the nascent Legiones Astartes.

The war went on without yield, until finally all Old Earth’s techno-barbarian factions and all fractured city-states were defeated and swore fealty to the Emperor. And so, after millennia of warfare, Terra was finally united under one golden leader.

 

But the Emperor knew that securing military victory wasn’t enough, and in order to fulfill his dreams of improvement and restoration of humanity more was needed.

He took the means necessary even before the task of conquering all of Terra was accomplished. So the Emperor gathered learned souls around him and started to experiment with genetics in order to first and foremost cleanse Mankind from the taint that had cursed the population after generations under the influence of radiation storms and weaponry that wracked the pure geneseed of humanity.

His second goal was to create a 'new man' in order to retake the stars. The genetic enhancements and heavy augments which had begun with his Thunder Warriors were only the first step in the creation of superhuman fighters, which finally peaked in the creation of that which would later become known as the Space Marine Legions.

Alongside this, the Emperor created an all-embracing civil administration to recreate the civilisation and government of old and to order and rebuild his new world. Houses of learning and education were established to shape the minds of the population and to reclaim lost lore and knowledge from the ashen waste that this once blue planet had become.

The Unification of Terra would only be the beginning, and thus the time of the Unification Wars was ended and the Age of the Great Crusade was begun.

Edited by MikhalLeNoir
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Second that. Just a core ruleset for each legion and in depth in their respective books. Maybe in form of an appendix maybe?

 

No special units. Legion specific wargear maybe. Only base rules.

 

It's a good idea, I'm just concerned about pacing and book size. Because, you happened to remind me: we're a 40k supplement, not a HH one. Which means we need to port in the entire HH base unit roster. 

 

I'll read over your re-write right after this post. 

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I'd say we just put something in saying we're an expansion to the Age of Darkness setting. That way we show we're following  on from FW and don't have to port the whole Crusade list over, which is something I wouldn't be completely comfortable doing. Then we can focus on our Legion uniques and BotL vehicles/equipment etc.

 

If someone wants to pirate the Forgeworld books I'm sure they'll find a way to do it, but this way we won't be helping them to do it.

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Okay mates,

 

here is the rewrite of the unification wars. woulc be cool if you reread and revise it, cause as i am no mother tong speaker, there are for sure so many mistakes inside, that a bit of correction would be awesome.

 

The Unification Wars

These were dark times, times without hope, for the people of terra suffered war after war, a never ending cycle of death and destruction. And yet hope rose in form of a single man. It rose from wasted lands, once flowing with life. A warlord, unrivaled in power, emerged and sought out to reclaim the lands, unifying them under a single banner. For he was the Emperor, and his strength was not only based on that of arms alone, but also in his mastery of science and the ability of great foresight and rationality, although few surmised the true potential of his might and abilities.

The Emperor reclaimed great portions of Old Earth, unifying those who were willing to join him and destroying the those who dared to oppose him. Although he waded through a sea of blood to conquer earth, he was following a higher calling, restoring humanity to the heights it once had known and casting aside the darkness that befallen it.

When his conquest arrived, the idols of fear and blind faith were cast down, and instead order and rationality ruled once more.

 

Kalagann Ursh, Narthan Dume, Simision the three-eyed and countless others were dragged from their thrones by the emperors hands, aided first by his regiments of genetically enhanced Thunder Warriors and later the nascent Legiones Astartes.

The war went on without yield, until finally all of Old Earth’s techno-barbarian factions and all fractured city-states were defeated and swore fealty to the Emperor. And so, after millenia of warfare, Terra was finally united under one golden Leader.

 

But the Emperor knew, that securing military victory wasn’t enough, and to fullfill his dreams of improvement and restoration of humanity more was needed.

He took the means necessary even before the task of conquering all of terra was accomplished. So the Emperor gathered learned souls around him and started to experiment with genetics in order to first and foremost cleanse Mankind from the taint, that had cursed the population after generations under the influence of radiation storms and weaponry that wracked the pure geneseed of humanity.

His second goal was to create a new man in order to retake the stars. The genetic enhancements and heavy augments which had begun with his Thunder Warriors were only the first step in the creation of superhuman fighters, which finally peaked in the creation of that which would later become known as the Space Marine Legions.

Alongside this, the Emperor created an all-embracing civil administration to recreate the civilisation and government of old and to order and rebuild his new world. Houses of learning and education were established to shape the minds of the population and to reclaim lost lore and knowledge from the ashen waste that this once blue planet had become.

The Unification of Terra would only be the beginning, and thus the time of the unification wars had ended and the age of the great crusade had begun.

 

Nice piece!  Red means grammar, spelling or stylistic corrections/additions, and green means unnecessary words/punctuation.  Apologies for the stickler-ness

Edited by Big Bad Squig
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The Unification Wars

... hope rised in form of a single man. It rised from...

...Lord of War...

....strenght...

... unifying those who are willing to join him.... 

...emperors hands...

...tot he...

...golden Leader.

 

...Emperor knew, that securing...

...fullfill...

...restoration of humanity it needed more...

...terra...

...So the Emperor...

...taint, that had cursed...

...geneseed...

...unifiquation wars...

....the age of the great crusade...

 

 Some minor fixes:

 

Bold the subtitle, please. 

 

Replace 'rised' with 'rose'. 

 

'Terra' is always capitalized. 

 

'Lord of War' doesn't need caps.

 

'strenght' is properly spelled as 'strength'

 

'are' is the improper tone, 'were' is the correct tone

 

'emperors hand', capitalize Emperor always & show possessive form, 'Emperor's hand'

 

'tot he', pretty sure you understand the error, simple typo

 

'Leader', needs to be lowercase. 

 

'knew, that', in the US, we don't put commas in front of the word 'that'. Can someone from the UK verify this?

 

'fullfill', it only has one L in 'ful', 'fulfill' is the correct spelling

 

"of humanity it needed', need a comma between 'humanity' & 'it' (they are two different clauses [sentence sections, if that helps])

 

'So the Emperor', need a comma between 'So' & 'the'

 

Again commas and 'that' don't get along

 

Geneseed is strictly space marines. Just say 'genes'

 

Both 'uniquation wars' & 'age of the great crusade' need to be capitalized, like so 'Unification Wars' & 'Age of the Great Crusade'

 

 

Alright, that's all of the minor fixes. Overall, you did really good. Most of this is just because of your difficulty with English, which even many Americans struggle with. Two points:

 

One, who's this guy 'Simision'? The name sounds awfully familiar for some reason. :wink:

 

Two, this line: "So the Emperor gathered learned souls around him and started to experiment with genetics in order to first and foremost cleanse Mankind from the taint..." Right here, we have the first seeds of the Vizenko Prosecution and the entire debate over using genetic research to enhance Humanity.

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I'd say we just put something in saying we're an expansion to the Age of Darkness setting. That way we show we're following  on from FW and don't have to port the whole Crusade list over, which is something I wouldn't be completely comfortable doing. Then we can focus on our Legion uniques and BotL vehicles/equipment etc.

 

If someone wants to pirate the Forgeworld books I'm sure they'll find a way to do it, but this way we won't be helping them to do it.

 

My mistake. I was under the impression that we were outright trying to replace Betrayal. If that's the case, how do we handle the unit descriptions that mention the canon Primarchs? 

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Hmmm, that's a bit of a puzzler. I'm not really sure to be honest. I'm half tempted to say we don't do anything about it, and simply mention who invented which tanks if it comes up in our own fluff. Alternately, we could put in the units, but leave out points values. Or maybe only put the base point values in and none of the upgrades, so that it is necessary to use the FW books.

 

I really don't know. I'm sure we can come up with an agreeable solution between us though.

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Hmmm, that's a bit of a puzzler. I'm not really sure to be honest. I'm half tempted to say we don't do anything about it, and simply mention who invented which tanks if it comes up in our own fluff. Alternately, we could put in the units, but leave out points values. Or maybe only put the base point values in and none of the upgrades, so that it is necessary to use the FW books.

 

I really don't know. I'm sure we can come up with an agreeable solution between us though.

 

I've got an idea. Why don't we have a subsection devoted to that? Call it 'Fruits of the Smith Primarchs' and introduce the tanks but with their new names?

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