MikhalLeNoir Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 (edited) If you have questions about travier, just ask moi, ao made me the travier expert. And he suffers not from schizophrenia. He is multiple^^. Edited March 5, 2017 by MikhalLeNoir Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheBlindPrimarch Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 lol sorry, that's what i meant. Would you say my depiction of his character is accurate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RikuEru Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 I'm really excited where this goes... Just one thing: How does the cathedral have a north-south orientation when the planet doesn't rotate and doesn't have any mass (so no useful magnetic field either, probably)? That startled me a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheBlindPrimarch Posted March 7, 2017 Author Share Posted March 7, 2017 I'm really excited where this goes... Just one thing: How does the cathedral have a north-south orientation when the planet doesn't rotate and doesn't have any mass (so no useful magnetic field either, probably)? That startled me a bit. Well thank you for the interest, Riku...I have to say, this short story is turning out to be a lot longer than I originally intended lol. To answer your question... The way it was playing out in my head was that lacking any provided magnetic headings Icarion would have inherently used his internal compass to describe it...So his perspective played heavily into the description, meaning the direction he's facing while describing the cathedral is north, behind him is south, etc. Not sure if I'm stretching it too far with that explanation...http://image.bolterandchainsword.com//public/style_emoticons/default/sweat.gif Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simison Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 "For it to happen[,] to a person..." "...in divination[; and] was a sensation..." (Semi-colons are used alone, no conjunctions. Commas are used with conjunctions. Either fix would work.) "...his brother had found[;] he could think of no better word to describe his emotion." (Comma need to replace the semi-colon here, since it's between a dependent and independent clause.) "...the bowl[,] except it..." (Recommend comma here.) "However, regardless of the many questions Icarion had concerning the bowl; who made it, how did they make it and why; It wasn't the bowl..." (Well, I'm confused. Colons are used for lists, but it's also a nonessential phrase which require two commas. But it's also a list with commas. The only thing I know for sure is that the last semi-colon is wrong, and "It" shouldn't be capitalized.) "...building justice[;] was reminiscent..." (End of the nonessential phrase requires a comma, not a semi-colon.) "...in length[;] pointing to..." (Dependent and independent clause again.) "...starburst[;] over..." (Either a nonessential phrase or dividing a dependent clause. A job for a comma.) "...angels[,] and..." (Comma is not needed in front of a conjunction between a dependent and independent clause.) "...more angels[,] and topped..." (Same.) Alright, that's enough corrections. I really like where this piece is going as well. I appreciate the level of detail you've put into the structure and location, that's something I've always struggled with. Now we have a creepy Mexacatii beetle adding some grimdark to the universe. Good job! Lastly, I like the portrayal of Travier's split personality. As far as I remember, it's the only fictional piece that has portrayed it to date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheBlindPrimarch Posted March 16, 2017 Author Share Posted March 16, 2017 edits added to part 3. Glad you like it Simi! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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