Rayanne979 Posted January 25, 2017 Share Posted January 25, 2017 Hi, Here's your favorite nerdy girl again with a new freaky project. This is my new rewritten version. Hope it is better than it was. I welcome all comments and suggestions. 718.M40 Shadow Lynx were requested by the Inquisition to purge Hive City Clearmoor, on the planet of [insert name], of xenos. While on their way back to Primo Lyncis, the strike Cruisers “Pride of Summerset” and “Divine Judgement”, with on board the 6th company and 4 squads of the 10th company, where deemed closest by and redirected to assist. The Imperial ships “Grace of the emperor”, “Justitia Imperatoris” and “Shield of the Emperor” were already in orbit around the planet. Inquisitor Jothan d’El transferred together with his entourage and 2 squads of Sisters of Battle on board the “Pride of Summerset” which is commanded by Library-Captain Yan Kellen. After the pleasantries of introduction, Inquisitor Jothan d’El immediatly stressed the importance of a fast purging of the xenos. A plan was made by Library-Captain Yan Kellen, Inquisitor Jothan d’El and Canoness Hannah. All troops including the Adepta Sororitas were deployed. When the xenos were almost purged, all the forces were recalled to their ships by Inquisitor d’El. Library-Captain Yan Kellen hastely made his way to Canoness Hannah for answers, only to find himself halted by one of the sisters. The Captain caught a glimpse of a piece of Archeo-Tech being removed and transported away by the sisters. Very much displeased by a lack of answers and respect, Library-Captain Kellen still honored Canoness Hannah’s request to fly back to the ships to get some answers from Inquisitor d’El. Library-Captain Yan Kellen, the 6th company and a squad of Adepta Sororitas commanded by Canoness Hannah, flew back to “The Pride of Summerset”. The Scouts flew back to the “Divine Judgement”. The squad of Adepta Sororitas, in possession of the Archeo-Tech flew back to the “Grace of the Emperor” and awaited the arrival of the Inquisitor and their canoness and sisters. Yan Kallen just entered the bridge on board “The Pride of Summerset”, when Inquisitor d’El ordered a planetary bombardment, an “Exterminatus” of the entire planet. Librarian-Captain Kellen protested openly. Even refused to let the order be executed, while he silently opened a comm-channel and ordered several squads of Space Marines to the bridge. In the best case they’d escort the visitors off the ship, in the worst case there would be an all out war on the bridge. Furious beyond all measurements, Inquisitor d’El ordered the “Justitia Imperatoris” to take aim and prepare for planetary bombardment. Librarian-Captain kellen countered that order by ordering the crew of both the “Pride of Summerset” and “Divine Judgement” to prepare the weapons, take aim at the “grace of the Emperor” and wait for his command to fire. Inquisitor d’El ordered to an open channel to all ships and unexpectedly declared Librarian-Captain Yan Kellen, the entire 6th company and accompanying scouts Excommunicate Traitoris. Librarian-Captain Kellen raised his weapon to take aim at the Inquisitor when canoness Hannah stepped in between them to protect the Inquisitor and take aim at Kellen. Canoness Hannah took a shot at Kellen but it graced of his helmet due to his superior reflexes. Then he saw the other sisters take aim at him while the Space Marines stormed onto the bridge. Library-Captain Kellen yelled: “FIRE!” The Space Marines opened fire, but also did the “Pride of Summerset” and the “Divine Judgement”. The “Justitia Imperatoris” was shredded to pieces, the “Shield of the Emperor” started to fire at the “divine Judgement”. Library-Captain Kellen took canoness Hannah’s head clean off, while whole squads of Space Marines charged at the remaining Sisters of Battle and the entourage of the Inquisitor. Library-Captain Kellen beat the inquisitor to a bloody pulp, opened all comm-channels and yelled: “Inquisitor Jothan d’El and all of his heretic entourage are dead! His last last declaration is made invalid!” After which the sisters on board the “Grace of the Emperor” declared the Declaration of Inquisitor d’El still valid and ordered the surrender of the 6th company they could be purged. Kellen knew he’d reached an impasse and ordered a tactical withdraw. While speeding away from the imperial ships, destination coordinates were synchronised and just before transmission into the warp, Captain Kellen declared their name to be “The Betrayed Brothers” to save the honorable name of the “Shadow Lynx”. It was one of the darkest days of the Shadow Lynx chapter. The Betrayed Brothers Renegade Chapter Inquisitor Jothan d’El Lives, just. After the transmission into warp, it is found out that Inquisitor Jothan D’El is still alive. D’El is quickly transported to the infirmary where every effort is made to keep him alive. Once d’El is somewhat stabilized, although on life sustaining machinations beyond comprehension, Librarian-Captain Yan Kellen tries to convince the Inquisitor to retract the Excommunicate Traitoris. After weeks of interrogation and ultimately torture, no progress has been made. Librarian-Captain Kellen, far away from the comfort and teachings of the chapter, starts delving into forbidden library scrolls Hearing the news of the Librarian-Captain, spending most of his time searching the forbidden scrolls, Chaplain Maltak, transfers from the “Divine Judgement” over to the “pride of Summerset”, to confront him at the library. Librarian-Brother Kellen, just found his forbidden fruit, when Chaplain Maltak confronts him. “Brother Kellen, What are you doing? First getting us exiled, then beating an Inquisitor to pulp, now searching tirelessly through the forbidden scrolls. You are worrying me severely, brother.” “Brother Maltak, i wasn’t notified that you came aboard.” “I asked to keep it quiet, brother. You should have sensed it with your psyker powers, unless you had been too preoccupied. What are you doing?” “What has to be done. I want.. no.. we need to get this excommunicate traitoris reversed so we can join our brothers again.” “You cannot! You know that! No Excommunicate Traitoris has ever been reversed. The only thing left to do is to die in heroic battle and pray to the Emperor to grant us enough mercy to redeem us, so we may take our place at his right side. Give the Inquisitor the Emperor’s Mercy, brother.” “Never!” “Brother Kellen, what do you mean? Do we not try to redeem ourselves?” “I will not grant the source of our problems the Emperor’s Mercy. Not for a long time. Not after a lot more misery. “You are talking about torture of an Inquisitor. An Inquisitor of the Empire of Man. On of our own. By Throne, that man is so resilient, that if we gotten to him about 40 years ago, he probably would have made an excellent Space Marine. He is one of us. You cannot torture him for your own pleasure.” “He will endure a lot more pain until he’s granted a mercyfull death. And you, you will not stop me.” “Yes, i will. I will stop everybody and everything fighting against the Emperor.” “So be it. Farewell Brother.” The fighting between the brothers began. Harsh, Brutal blows were exchanged. Armour dented, jaws broken. Each fighting for what they think is just. none of the 2 willing to give in an inch. Librarian-Captain Kellen generates a Shockwave which throws Chaplain Maltak of his feet, confusing him for a second to which side of the room is up and which down. A second which is used to the fullest by Kellen who draws his knife and jams it into Maltak’s face, though his head and then twists it to break open his head. Kellen always was known for his unusually strong hands, which come in handy in knife fights like these.. On his way to the infirmary Captain Kellen spots something in a dark corner of an almost forgotten cargo bay. A dreadnought. A very damaged dreadnought. The first time a Space Marine from the 6th got interned into a dreadnought, he was killed on his very first mission. Taking this as a sign, the 6th Company as a whole swore never to inter a Space Marine from the 6th Company in a dreadnoughts again. On closer inspection this Dreadnought was in a very sorry state, legs laying nearby, arms ripped to shreds. Kellen thought: “What is a Space Marine in a Dreadnought like that anyway? A living Space Marine in a dead tomb for eternit---.” Then he rushed himself to the infirmary. Not for the Inquisitor, not directly, but to confer with the Apothecary. And so Inquisitor Jothan d’El was interred in the sarcophagus of the broken dreadnought and placed on display for everyone to see and spite, in an undead state. neither living, nor dead. Unable to move or die, but able to speak and to feel everything inflicted on him. The second part of Librarian-Captain Kellen’s plan involves a ritual found in the forbidden scrolls of the library and is even more gruesome. Librarian-Captain Yan Kellen changes his name in Gabri-El and links himself to Inquisitor d’El. All pain someone feels by the hands, actions or weapons of Gabri-El, is also felt by Inquisitor d’El. In short, every and all pain, Gabri-El inflicts, is felt by Inquisitor d’El. Lots of Space marines and scouts follow Captain Gabri-El’s example and follow the same ritual, changing their names into something ending with ‘El’, like Micha-El, Uri-El, Rapha-El, Emmnu-El, Isra-El and so forth and linking themselves to Inquisitor d’El in the same way as the Captain. Wrath of The Betrayed Brothers Some time after the hideous rituals, Captain Gabri-El comes to the conclusion, the Inquisition as a whole is the fault of their banishment. The decision is made to eradicate the Inquisition from the galaxy. “The Inquisition is rotten from the inside. It is due time to wipe it from the face of the galaxy.” - Captain Gabri-El Fueled by piracy, raids, and anger, The Betrayed Brothers go on a crusade to find and purge the evil called Inquisition from the galaxy. My questions: What do you all think of the story so far? The old post is in the spoiler. Hi, Here's your favorite nerdy girl again with a new freaky codex. Battle report 718.M40: Shadow Lynx were requested by the Inquisition to purge Hive City Clearmoor. 6h Company was closest by, so 6th Company and a 10th Company were dispatched. The Strike Cruisers “Pride of Summerset” and “Divine Judgement” with the 2 companies on board, reached Hive city Clearmoor without problems and started purging the xenos as planned. When the xenos where almost purged, Librarian-Captain Ian Kellen of the 6th Company, the entire 6th company and the accompanying 10th Company were recalled to their ships by the Inquisitor Jonathan El. Captain Ian Kellen caught a glimpse of a piece of Archeo-Tech being removed from the Hive-City. When the space marines were back onboard their ships, Inquisitor El ordered a planetary bombardment, an “Exterminatus” of the planet. Librarian-Captain Kellen protested openly. Even refused to let the order be executed. Librarian-Captain Captain Ian Kellen, the entire 6th Company and the accompanying 10th Company were declared renegade. Librarian-Captain Kellen killed Inquisitor El and his entourage, but not before the Excommunicate Traitoris had been transmitted to the rest of the Imperial Fleet. The Renegade Marines and Scouts fled the scene. Just before translation into warp they declared their name to be “Dark Ronin” from then on, to save the name of Shadow Lynx. It was one of the darkest days of the Shadow Lynx chapter. The rest of what i've thought up is down here: https://drive.google.com/open?id=10PNEkheZgeoHZzEM5kwLol_QAEhJ1bpYvMwLv-W7lwg The names "Dark Ronin" (very very very cheesy) and "Death Reapers" are temporary names untill someone thinks up better ones. I'm open for any and all suggestions. I'm thinking appearance wise of helmets with horns like Hellboy has. I was thinking of Khorne as chaos god, as that seemed most plausable, but i'm not sure. Is it even possible that the entire 6th Company and a 10th Company get a Excommunicate traitoris for what they did? And what about changing their names into anything ending with El, just to mock Inquisitor Jonathan El who bannished them? I'm ranting lol Anyway i'm just scratching the surface of writing a Chaos Codex and i'm totally lost. Who has ideas to get little ol' me on the path to Chaos?? whahahaha 'lightning and thunderstorm in the distance' Is it reasonable for a chapter to lose only 2 Space Marines and 3 scouts in the assault on the Hive City? and is it reasonable that they have lost only 1 space Marine in the battle on the bridge of "Pride of Summerset"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 could it be that my story is so incredibly bad, no one wants to burn his or her fingers on it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olis Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 could it be that my story is so incredibly bad, no one wants to burn his or her fingers on it? Sometimes, things move a little slowly down here in the basement of B&C. That said, I see that almost a full day has passed since the OP, so I will step in with some critique. First and foremost, the current composition of the battle report appears to be cliff notes, so we'll treat it as an early WIP for now. I must ask, do you intend for this thread to produce a full Index Astartes article for these renegades? If so, you do have the building blocks to make it but you'll need more than just this battle report. Second, the report itself. The names appear to be very... un-Gothic (well, that's just another way of saying they sound a bit too normal). My advise would be to 'mutate' the names a bit if you want to keep the references (assuming they are indeed references) - say, for example, Jonathan becomes Jothan and Ian becomes Yan. Maybe throw in an old world Nobiliary particle to add a touch of flavour. So, following the example so far, we go from Jonathan El to Jothan d'El. Not a substantial difference but, in my opinion, something a little bit more vigorous than the original. Third, more of a point of order than much else, is the deployment of the marines. The entire sixth company is fair enough. But I do not believe the whole of the tenth would go on one single mission unless circumstances were quite drastic. Maybe you could have elements of the tenth? The names "Dark Ronin" (very very very cheesy) and "Death Reapers" are temporary names untill someone thinks up better ones. I'm open for any and all suggestions. I'm thinking appearance wise of helmets with horns like Hellboy has. I was thinking of Khorne as chaos god, as that seemed most plausable, but i'm not sure. Is it even possible that the entire 6th Company and a 10th Company get a Excommunicate traitoris for what they did? Hmm, so these desperate marines, cut off from everything they hold dear, turn to Khorne. I think, without any extra information for now, given that they are led by a 'Librarian-Captain', one (or none) of the other Gods seem likelier candidates - Tzeentch is the clear forerunner here for obvious reasons. As for a name for the warband, there's a whole myriad of things from the traditional to the esoteric but, right now, 'Kellen's Lost Company' sounds vaguely reasonable and relevant (if somewhat bland). Or you could have something relating to Tzeentch? 'The Tzeenari'? 'Brothers of the Flame'? 'The Twisted'? In response to the question about the 6th and 10th companies, I would say that they could be excommunicated (provided that they left someone alive/something active to report the incident) although I'd advise escalating the encounter. The death of just the Inquisitor and his entourage is bad enough but can be construed or spun as a mere disappearance by those who perpetrated it. Maybe with the addition of other Imperial troops, the crime would seem that much more severe - a company of Imperial Guard, for example, or maybe some Sisters of Battle. And what about changing their names into anything ending with El, just to mock Inquisitor Jonathan El who bannished them? I think, if they wish to curse the one who (at least in this draft) banished them, then the name change doesn't cut it. Torturing his captured eternal soul might, though*. ;) * There's no canon support for such a thing but it does sound cool. And we all know 40k runs on the Rule of Cool. Has done for decades. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted January 26, 2017 Author Share Posted January 26, 2017 Thank you Redemptio Calidus, Sorry if i might have sounded a little blunt, unfriendly or impatient. but wow, you gave me a lot to think about. I need to meditate on it and rewrite a lot. Thank you again Repemptio Calidus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olis Posted January 26, 2017 Share Posted January 26, 2017 Thank you Redemptio Calidus, Sorry if i might have sounded a little blunt, unfriendly or impatient. but wow, you gave me a lot to think about. I need to meditate on it and rewrite a lot. Thank you again Repemptio Calidus No problem. Just keep tinkering with it and you'll get there. Also... I'm Olis. Redemptio Calidus is just my Mod title. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 I have posted my new rewritten version in the opeing post and put the old version in a spoiler. Hope it is better than it was. I welcome all comments and suggestions. Happy reading! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 The next piece of the story for the codex is complete. Let me know what you think of it. I welcome all comments and suggestions Happy reading!! The Betrayed Brothers Renegade Chapter Inquisitor Jothan d’El Lives, just. After the transmission into warp, it is found out that Inquisitor Jothan D’El is still alive. D’El is quickly transported to the infirmary where every effort is made to keep him alive. Once d’El is stabilized, Librarian-Captain Yan Kellen tries to convince the Inquisitor to retract the Excommunicate Traitoris. After weeks of interigation and ultimately torture, no progress has been made. Librarian-Captain Kellen, far away from the comfort and teachings of the chapter, starts delving into forbidden library scrolls and finds his forbidden fruit. With the first mystical ritual Inquisitor Jothan d’El is placed in an undead state. neither living, nor dead. Unable to move or die, but able to speak and to feel everything inflicted on him. The second mystical ritual is even more gruesome. Librarian-Captain Yan Kellen changes his name in Gabri-El and links himself to Inquisitor d’El. All pain someone feels by the hands, actions or weapons of Gabri-El, is also felt by Inquisitor d’El. In short, every and all pain, Gabri-El inflicts, is felt by Inquisitor d’El. Lots of Space marines and scouts follow Captain Gabri-El’s example and follow the same ritual, changing their names into something ending with ‘El’, like Micha-El, Uri-El, Rapha-El, Emmnu-El, Isra-El and so forth and linking themselves to Inquisitor d’El in the same way as the Captain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 Here's another piece. either good or bad. The Betrayed Brothers keep slipping down the rabbit hole into darkness and chaos. Let me know what you think! Wrath of The Betrayed Brothers Some time after the hideous rituals, Captain Gabri-El comes to the conclusion, the Inquisition as a whole is the fault of their banishment. The decision is made to eradicate the Inquisition from the galaxy. “The Inquisition is rotten from the inside. It is due time to wipe it from the face of the galaxy.” - Captain Gabri-El Fueled by piracy, raids, and anger, The Betrayed Brothers go on a crusade to find and purge the evil called Inquisition from the galaxy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 Is it reasonable for a chapter to lose 2 Space Marines and 3 scouts in the assault on the Hive City? and is it reasonable that they have lost only 1 space Marine in the battle on the bridge of "Pride of Summerset"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olis Posted January 27, 2017 Share Posted January 27, 2017 The Betrayed Brothers Renegade Chapter Inquisitor Jothan d’El Lives, just. After the transmission into warp, it is found out that Inquisitor Jothan D’El is still alive. D’El is quickly transported to the infirmary where every effort is made to keep him alive. Once d’El is stabilized, Librarian-Captain Yan Kellen tries to convince the Inquisitor to retract the Excommunicate Traitoris. After weeks of interigation and ultimately torture, no progress has been made. Librarian-Captain Kellen, far away from the comfort and teachings of the chapter, starts delving into forbidden library scrolls and finds his forbidden fruit. With the first mystical ritual Inquisitor Jothan d’El is placed in an undead state. neither living, nor dead. Unable to move or die, but able to speak and to feel everything inflicted on him. The second mystical ritual is even more gruesome. Librarian-Captain Yan Kellen changes his name in Gabri-El and links himself to Inquisitor d’El. All pain someone feels by the hands, actions or weapons of Gabri-El, is also felt by Inquisitor d’El. In short, every and all pain, Gabri-El inflicts, is felt by Inquisitor d’El. Lots of Space marines and scouts follow Captain Gabri-El’s example and follow the same ritual, changing their names into something ending with ‘El’, like Micha-El, Uri-El, Rapha-El, Emmnu-El, Isra-El and so forth and linking themselves to Inquisitor d’El in the same way as the Captain. Regarding the first ritual, I have a suggestion. Given that you want him to be unable to free himself but feel and speak every pain and horror visited upon him, maybe you could make his "undead state" some form of interment within a dreadnought sarcophagus? Just the sarcophagus, mind you - he'd be denied the chance of wreaking revenge, of course. This could then not only play on the living/unliving state of his existence but also contribute towards your current question of what plausible casualties may be. Losing a dreadnought (well, the guy inside at least) during the mission under d'El would feel like foreshadowing to the Betrayed Brothers when they decide to punish d'El for his impetuousness. You could then, say, place the d'El's sarcophagus-prison in some weird shrine and have his screams echo over meditating marines (or something). Just an idea is all. Speaking of the second ritual, I think this version of the name-change is much less arbitrary and much more... vengeful. It's a deliciously dark idea. Maybe, during ceremonies, one of the renamed marines would perform a 'ritual sacrifice' to provoke d'El into screaming? Could be a crewman, a prisoner... anyone. If the pain they inflict truly causes d'El pain, it would not matter who was the victim. Taking this one step further - maybe if a Betrayed is promoted or recognised in some form or another, they'd have the dubious honour of being hurt by their fellows, eliciting d'El's tortured screams. It could be seen as a blessing. Wrath of The Betrayed Brothers Some time after the hideous rituals, Captain Gabri-El comes to the conclusion, the Inquisition as a whole is the fault of their banishment. The decision is made to eradicate the Inquisition from the galaxy. “The Inquisition is rotten from the inside. It is due time to wipe it from the face of the galaxy.” - Captain Gabri-El Fueled by piracy, raids, and anger, The Betrayed Brothers go on a crusade to find and purge the evil called Inquisition from the galaxy. Waging war with an enemy that does not usually wish to be seen, let alone found, may prove somewhat frustrating I think. Striking at any Inquisitors they can out of spite is fine - it'd surely be a long standing grudge - but the real clever thing would be in getting Inquisitors to come to them. How and why could be discussed later, if the idea sounds any good. Is it reasonable for a chapter to lose 2 Space Marines and 3 scouts in the assault on the Hive City? and is it reasonable that they have lost only 1 space Marine in the battle on the bridge of "Pride of Summerset"? I always want to be somewhat brutal with the fictitious supermen under my control - hive cities are large and can be well-defended by anything from normal grunts to specialised life-guards of specific nobility. I'd say the longer the fight and the less 'surgical' the strike, the more they'd suffer. In my opinion, adding another ten to each figure sounds good if you want the Betrayed to feel bitter about it. As for the battle for the bridge of the Pride, with Sororitas involved as well? One is a bit low-ball, I think, but the marines would have clearly won with several squads present. Maybe make it seven? Not enough to worry about but not something insignificant. As with my earlier post, my ideas and suggestions are just that - suggestions. Feel free to use them or reject them as you see fit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted January 27, 2017 Author Share Posted January 27, 2017 The Betrayed Brothers Renegade Chapter Inquisitor Jothan d’El Lives, just. After the transmission into warp, it is found out that Inquisitor Jothan D’El is still alive. D’El is quickly transported to the infirmary where every effort is made to keep him alive. Once d’El is stabilized, Librarian-Captain Yan Kellen tries to convince the Inquisitor to retract the Excommunicate Traitoris. After weeks of interigation and ultimately torture, no progress has been made. Librarian-Captain Kellen, far away from the comfort and teachings of the chapter, starts delving into forbidden library scrolls and finds his forbidden fruit. With the first mystical ritual Inquisitor Jothan d’El is placed in an undead state. neither living, nor dead. Unable to move or die, but able to speak and to feel everything inflicted on him. The second mystical ritual is even more gruesome. Librarian-Captain Yan Kellen changes his name in Gabri-El and links himself to Inquisitor d’El. All pain someone feels by the hands, actions or weapons of Gabri-El, is also felt by Inquisitor d’El. In short, every and all pain, Gabri-El inflicts, is felt by Inquisitor d’El. Lots of Space marines and scouts follow Captain Gabri-El’s example and follow the same ritual, changing their names into something ending with ‘El’, like Micha-El, Uri-El, Rapha-El, Emmnu-El, Isra-El and so forth and linking themselves to Inquisitor d’El in the same way as the Captain. Regarding the first ritual, I have a suggestion. Given that you want him to be unable to free himself but feel and speak every pain and horror visited upon him, maybe you could make his "undead state" some form of interment within a dreadnought sarcophagus? Just the sarcophagus, mind you - he'd be denied the chance of wreaking revenge, of course. This could then not only play on the living/unliving state of his existence but also contribute towards your current question of what plausible casualties may be. Losing a dreadnought (well, the guy inside at least) during the mission under d'El would feel like foreshadowing to the Betrayed Brothers when they decide to punish d'El for his impetuousness. You could then, say, place the d'El's sarcophagus-prison in some weird shrine and have his screams echo over meditating marines (or something). Just an idea is all. Using the sarchophagus as the undead prison is an awesome idea. It's certainly way better than over using "Psyker-magic" and "finding" 2 forbidden scrolls in the library on board the Strike Cruiser. The 6th never has a dreadnought. no idea why really. i just thought it up one day as a chapter quirk. but.... they could have had a very damaged dreadnought in a cargo hold from when they interred their first Space Marine and he got killed during the first mission. Taking that as a bad omen, they could have vowed not to have any dreadnoughts in the 6th company. Speaking of the second ritual, I think this version of the name-change is much less arbitrary and much more... vengeful. It's a deliciously dark idea. Maybe, during ceremonies, one of the renamed marines would perform a 'ritual sacrifice' to provoke d'El into screaming? Could be a crewman, a prisoner... anyone. If the pain they inflict truly causes d'El pain, it would not matter who was the victim. Taking this one step further - maybe if a Betrayed is promoted or recognised in some form or another, they'd have the dubious honour of being hurt by their fellows, eliciting d'El's tortured screams. It could be seen as a blessing. I will keep this in mind At this point their still Loyalist altough Renegade Space Marines with a huge grudge. Well... let's say they are still somewhat sane. but... when they slip further into chaos, ritual scarification of each others bodies and continous torturing would please a chaos god very much, i recon. Wrath of The Betrayed Brothers Some time after the hideous rituals, Captain Gabri-El comes to the conclusion, the Inquisition as a whole is the fault of their banishment. The decision is made to eradicate the Inquisition from the galaxy. “The Inquisition is rotten from the inside. It is due time to wipe it from the face of the galaxy.” - Captain Gabri-El Fueled by piracy, raids, and anger, The Betrayed Brothers go on a crusade to find and purge the evil called Inquisition from the galaxy. Waging war with an enemy that does not usually wish to be seen, let alone found, may prove somewhat frustrating I think. Striking at any Inquisitors they can out of spite is fine - it'd surely be a long standing grudge - but the real clever thing would be in getting Inquisitors to come to them. How and why could be discussed later, if the idea sounds any good. I had the same idea, that Inquisitors wouldn't be easy to find. Inquisitors are the spies of the 40k universe (not the James Bond ones, lol) Maybe The Betrayed Brothers would be able to find one or two with psyker-hacking into the mind of an astropath of something like that, but they would find nowhere near enough Inquisitors to make a career out of it. But how would you lure "drones" of Inquisitors towards you without them taking an entire Imperial Regiment and a couple of Space Marine Chapters with them? I think Inquisiters are too smart to walk into a trap easily, but i can be wrong. Is it reasonable for a chapter to lose 2 Space Marines and 3 scouts in the assault on the Hive City? and is it reasonable that they have lost only 1 space Marine in the battle on the bridge of "Pride of Summerset"? I always want to be somewhat brutal with the fictitious supermen under my control - hive cities are large and can be well-defended by anything from normal grunts to specialised life-guards of specific nobility. I'd say the longer the fight and the less 'surgical' the strike, the more they'd suffer. In my opinion, adding another ten to each figure sounds good if you want the Betrayed to feel bitter about it. As for the battle for the bridge of the Pride, with Sororitas involved as well? One is a bit low-ball, I think, but the marines would have clearly won with several squads present. Maybe make it seven? Not enough to worry about but not something insignificant. I'm upping the casualties of the Clearmoor battle to at least 12 Space Marines and 13 scouts, as you suggested. A piece of Archeo-Tech won't go completely unnoticed and people are likely to pay hefty prices and body counts for it. The highter the casualties, the more bitter, they would indeed be. For the battle on the bridge of the Pride, i could make it 9. 9 is the number ot Tzeentch. It could be a subtile sign from 'him'. I don't know if Space Marines or Librarians would know a fact like that, but if they do, the pitching speech from Tzeench could benefit from it. As with my earlier post, my ideas and suggestions are just that - suggestions. Feel free to use them or reject them as you see fit. they are great! really! I envision this as a kind of intro story for the codex, as how they fell from Loyalist Space Marines to ultimately Chaos Marines. They may be 'just' ideas and suggestions, but they are great ideas and suggestions. I hope you'll continue to help me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted January 28, 2017 Author Share Posted January 28, 2017 Somewhere while writing, i forgot there's also a Chaplain and a Techmarine on board. (2 demi-companies and a techmarine for repairs and heavy support w/ a thunderfire cannon) Would a chaplain go along with Librarian-Captain Gabri-El? perhaps on blind faith, friendschip, chain of command or something like that? or would he have to be eliminated? Or would the timeframe for the discribed events have to be stretched from a few weeks to a few months because the chaplain keeps him on the straight and narrow? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olis Posted January 28, 2017 Share Posted January 28, 2017 I'd get rid of the Chaplain if the Betrayed turn their backs on the Imperium (or at least some of it). There's at least one example in the lore of a renegade company icing their Chaplain before reneging on their oaths. It makes sense considering what Chaplain's job description is... :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 A small update. Librarian-Captain Kellen took out Chaplain Maltak in a very brutal way. Read all about it in the rewritten: 'Inquisitor Jothan d’El Lives, just.' (Thank you Olis ) The betrayed brothers still fall slowly into the maws of chaos. But... How do they find Inquisitioners or how do the Inquisitioners find them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olis Posted January 30, 2017 Share Posted January 30, 2017 How do they find Inquisitioners or how do the Inquisitioners find them? Use some tempting bait? Like... a coded distress signal from d'El? I'm not convinced how effective that method might be but it should help you come up with some ideas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted January 30, 2017 Author Share Posted January 30, 2017 How do they find Inquisitioners or how do the Inquisitioners find them? Use some tempting bait? Like... a coded distress signal from d'El? I'm not convinced how effective that method might be but it should help you come up with some ideas. that could work. They have d'El's gear. although they've transmitted that he was dead, it could work. The Inquisition is always curious. Especially of a distress beacon of their own. And the universe is a huge place so not everybody knows things right away. Come to think of it, they also have the Sisters of battle bodies and gear. I'll meditate on it. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayanne979 Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 pffffew, i'm back. Ive been sick for about a week, but i'm betting better. It gave me time to think about two thinks... #1 It gave me some time to think about details. Coloring details to be precise. How to get from orange (Company-colors) to blue tzeench-colors? (Without looking too "9th company") well.... I found out that most librarians are colored blue and so is the 9th company oc. So i've changed out 6th company for the 9th company, who are already blue. it's only a 6-9 change :-) So now if i decide to paint my chaos Marines i only need 9th Company Space Marines and make them a little more chaosy. #2 The story.... Well.... i've really been way to sick for that, but ideas have been brewing in that little head of mine. It's important to make it not cheesy (btw you should check out that other guys' story on the Cheese Chapter, its awesome!) anyway i'm writing, re-writing, reading, re-reading, re-writing and putting it online....... Hope to read what you think! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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