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Index Xenos: Kurnel Baddakka's Panza Brigade


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Squigsquasher

Squigsquasher

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  • Location:Britannia
  • Faction: Emperor's Children

Wot'z dis? Ya ain't nevva 'urd of da Baddakka Panza Brigade? Well dis won't do! Sit down, get yerself a noice bowl of Squiggetti Bolognayz and lissen up, dis is a gud wun...

 

Da Orrijinz:

So once upon a time dere wuz a lickle planet called Garok. Kinda zogged up planet really, it wuz mostly pretty hot an' dry, but dere wuz sum bitz of it wot were very cold, an' uvver bitz wot were really green an' leafy. Really it wuz bit of everyfing I suppose, but anywayz, dat's not wut made it zogged up. So dere wuz all deez pointy monyooments an' fings all over da planet, and weird stuff 'appened around 'em. Like, sometimes da sky just turned red and it started raining teef, or da ground started skreemin' at us, and even every now an' again dere wuz deez ded killy monsta fings wut popped outta thin air and started krumpin' stuff. But dat's not important at da moment- for most of dis story dem weird fings wasn't 'appening every often anywayz. Dere 'ad been humies dere, but most of 'em had sodded off, tho dey did leave behind sum of dere wagons (which is important).

 

Dere wuz once an Ork tribe called da Red Choppaz, livin' in da Toofdust Desert, dessended from Blood Axes wot settled dere ages ago. Rather ickle tribe it wuz, but it 'ad sum roight gud mekboyz. Dey kould fix anyfing, for teef. Da tribe wuz ruled by da Mek Boss Graygear- 'e wuz kalled dat cuz 'e wuz very old an' very wize or sumfing. Sum sade he were a wizeguy, but 'e were roight smart. 'E knew dat da tribe wuz too small to go fightin' da bigga tribez, so 'e sided wiv 'oever paid da most teef an' 'e'd fix dere gear an' maybe send a few boyz ta 'elp 'em in da skwabblez. 'E nevva picked sides, but 'e nevva turned down a gud offer neither. Roight smart bloke 'e was.

 

Anywayz, one day sum zoggin' stoopid tribe called Burk's Basha Boyz sez dat we dun fixed dere gubbins wrong. Dat can't be right, sez Graygear, 'e alwayz fixes da gubbinz right. Well, Burk 'imself deklares war on da Red Choppaz! Poor Graygear bites it early on, an' da tribe is made bossless! Tragic, innit?

 

Fortunately, sum uvver tribez 'elp da Red Choppaz as a gesture of fankfulness, but da Basha Boyz is a big tribe- da biggest in da area, an' really tuff! Da Red Choppaz an' dere alliez is pushed back, until it looks like da game is up.

 

And dat's where da boss comes in. Squigsquasha was 'is name, just a regular boy, but not just ANY regular boy. See, he an' his frend, da Mekboy Treddhedd, are pretty smart, an' dey'z been 'avin ideaz. Treddhedd had an' idea fer a new type of battlewagon which 'e got from lookin' at da broken humie wagons behind da mek shop. “'Ere, Squiggy my mate” he used ta say. “Wut if we took a battlewagon but took da wheelz off, put an 'arder 'ard case on it an' put a really big shoota on it?” Most of da boyz laffed at 'im, but not Squigsquasha. “Dat sounds like a gud idea!” 'e replied. “In fakt, 'ow about a WAAAGH! dat wuz made almost only outta battlewagons, like da wun you just came up wiv? Dem ovva boyz wouldn't expect it!”.

 

So as da war looks like it's gone 'orribly wrong, Squigsquasha an' Treddhedd get da grotz and da mekboyz togevver an' start workin' on some flash new battlewagons. Sum of dem use sum parts from abandoned humie tankz, but dey iz mostly original gubbinz 'cuz da old humie tankz is so old an' rusty. Finally dey haz lodz of dem, all diffrent shapes an' sizes. Dere's big 'uns for da nobs, little 'uns for da grotz, an' finally da really, really big wun dat da boss kalls da “King Stripey-Squig”. 'Im an' Treddhedd kall da new wagons “Da Panzakrumpwagons” or “Panzas” for short.

 

So overnight 'e getz da tanks all set up an' tested, an' he hides dem around da junkyard. Den 'e tellz da new boss about his kunnin' plan. Da new boss tells da Basha Boyz to meet dem in da junkyard in front of da mek shop, to diskuss da surrenda termz. Da Bashaz akchooally agree, an' dey comes over expectin' ta give da remainin' Red Choppaz a good krumpin'.

 

So da boss Burk is standin' outside da mek shop waitin' fer da boss to come out.

“Come on out ya kowardly grot!” he yellz.

 

“Awright, 'ere I comes, yer rotten git!” comes back an angry voice wot definitely isn't da Red Choppaz' boss...

 

Den an enjin starts up, an' out of da mek shop rolls Squigsquasha in his King Stripey-Squig! Before Burk can say anyfing, da Stripey-Squig blows 'im up an' rolls over da remainz! Den da uvver boyz in dere tankz comes outta hiding an' splatters da rest of da Basha Boyz!

 

Now da Basha Boyz is bossless, an' dey falls into disarray. Dey get a new boss, but it's too late. Squigsquasha an' Treddhedd have started buildin' more Panzaz an' now dey'z attakkin' da remainin' Basha Boyz back!

 

Befoor long, wurd gets out about da ickle tribe wot stood up to da Basha Boyz, an' tribez of all sizez start followin' da Red Choppas! Da Basha Boyz is stomped, and da Red Choppas bekumms da top tribe on Garok!

 

So anywayz, everyfink's goin' well, when suddenly dem point monyooment fings start playin' up. Dey makes sum weird noizez, an' outta fin air comes deez deemon gitz! Dey'z all sortsa weird kolors, and dey lookz roight weird too- lods of squiggly beasties wiv horns an' stingas, lods of odd deemon tartz wiv snappy klawz an' not many klovez, an' sum really really big beastiez!

Sum uvva Orks woulda ran, but Squigsquasha wuz like “Roight, time ta send deez deemon tartz back ta where'z dey came from!”. So he getz da boyz ready for a proper WAAAGH! and sendz 'iz full force uv panzas against da deemons! Lods of tankz get wrekked but in da end, da monyoomentz is krumped and da deemons get stomped!

 

So Squigsquasha is roight angry 'kuz da deemons skratched da paint on da King Stripey-Squig, so he declarez a WAAAGH! against hooevver sent da deemonz. 'e renamez 'imself “Kurnel Squigsquasha Baddakka” and bekummz da new Warboss for da Red Choppaz, now named da Baddakka Panza Brigade. Dey gavvers da uvver tribez up an' buildz sum space rokkits, an' dey travvulz inta space!

Da Boyz:

We'z lead by da boss 'imself, Kurnel Squigsquasha Baddakka. He'z a roight klever Ork, dedd kunnin' he is. He ain't da biggest Ork ever but you'd betta not misundaestimate 'im. I fink dat's a word. He's dedd tuff an' vishuss. Uvver Orks might just nokk ya over da head, but Squigsquasha will punch ya in da goolies wivvout hesitatin'. But he's not a bad Ork, 'e looks afta 'is own. He's got an obzeshun wiv taktiks an' strattejee. 'e studdeez da uvver boyz' taktiks an' yoozes dem agenst demselvez, an' he reeds a lot uv looted books from da 'oomies. Well, some say he just lookz at da pretty pikturs but it seems to work. He'z no slouch in a scrap but he prefers ta lead from his King Stripey-Squig "Kommand Panza", tho 'e does like ta drive kloser so 'e can hit 'em wiv his choppa. His biggest weekness is dat he takes forvevva ta fink of planz, and if sumfink goes wrong he doezn't always know how ta adjust his strattajee.

Da Kurnel'z best buddy is Big Mek Treddhedd, AKA "Da Tankboss". He can build a panza outta anyfink- skrap metal, looted 'oomie veerkles, bitz of tree, dem floaty skwiggly tankz da knife-earz use...He even once built a panza outta da remainz of wun of doze Tyranid squiggas! It smellz a bit but it wurkz! He'z a jolly gud Ork, an' he'z loyal ta da Kurnel as they come. He'z a bit eksentrik though, 'e only buildz fings wot he finks is "Tanky". So 'e does build Kans an' Dreddz, but wiv trakks instedd of legz.

Baddakka also haz wot he kallz "Da Eleet Four", his best generalz an' advisers.

Dere'z Oddkogz, who'z da head uv soience. Whilst Treddhedd buildz da Panzas, Oddkogz makes new shootas an' arma materiulz for dem. He's a bit wurr but 'iz noggin is in da roight place.

Dere'z "Laffin' Git" Choplin, who'z da head uv sumfink 'e kallz "proppagander" as in "'av a gander at dis proppa Orky enteraynment!". He convinces da uvver Ork tribes ta ally wiv da Panza Brigade, an 'e keepz da Boyz happy wiv his Komedy Rooteen. Dedd funny it is!

Den dere'z Skullskuttle da Blakk Widdo, who'z a bit...odd. She'z one uv a weird batch a myootant Orkz who kall demselvez "Da Gurlz". Nobody knowz 'ow dat 'appened but it did, an' deyz every bit as tuff an' killy as any Boy so dey'z alright. Anywayz, she'z a master uv "psyko WAAAAGHfare," an' she 'elps da Kurnel use taktiks wot skare da dropz outta da enemy. She'z a bit skary though, even for a gurl. Too many eyez, an' she "likez da hurtin'".

Finally dere'z Blingfist da Banka, head uv supply. He wuz a Grot once, but 'e wuz so good at makin' tradez an' gettin' teef dat he managed ta buy 'imself a brain transplant into a spare Ork body! Well 'e sez it's spare anyway. He getz all da fundz for da WAAAGH! an makes sure da Panza Brigade doezn't go over somefink he kallz "Da Budjitt". No idea wot dat iz.

Den dere'z da rest of da Brigade. Dere'z not a huge amount ov dem but dere'z enuff dat I can't remember dem all. Notable onez is Choppa Sooey da cook, who makez da best nom-nomz ever, Sprogg Squigtailz an da uvver gurlz, Bakkakk Burdbusta who'z in charge ov da Flakka-Dakka-Trakkas, an' Mad Dok Kronchtoof, who'z aktyooally not dat bad a dok...or 'e wouldn't be if his hands wud stop shakin'.

Organizayshun:

Most of da boyz ridez on Panzaz- da only wunz who don't are da speshulists like da Tankbustaz an' Kommandoz. Even da regyoola boyz ridez in speshul armered trukkz wot don't even look like trukkz anymore. Da nobz ride in "kommand wagonz" an' of kourse da Boss ridez in da King Stripey-Squig. Our kolorz are a wurr mix uv khaki an purple- da Kurnel sez da khaki is 'ard ta see an' wiv da purple our panzas is almost as kunnin' as Mork! Aktual formayshunz...I 'unno, ask 'im.

Alliez:

We'z buddies wiv Orkfredd von Rikktoffen an' da Flyin' Circus. Dey'z da best flyboiz in da Segmentum Obscurus, wiv lodz of Stormboyz an' every kind uv flyin' machine from da proppella biplaynz ta da "Orkish Elektrik Zapp" intasepptor jet. 'e providez air support for da panzas an' we defend da air bases. Simple!

Enemiez:

We'z ded angry wiv da Leejun uv Voice, da pink spiky boyz led by da panzy Pattrokyluss or whateva da name wuz. 'e keepz tryin' ta rebuild dem monyoomentz on da homewurld, which we izn't too happy about!

Faymuss deedz:

We krumped an entire blue fishyboy army wiv our Panzas, took out da kommand battulsoot an' dey ran away! Da boss luvved da big stompy soots though, an' wanted ta kongratyoolate da fishboyz on dere "marvulz ov engineerin'" wotever dat means. But da fishboyz wuz just fish paste, so dat sukked. So we made da sootz into more Panzas instedd. Also we krumped lots of lesser Ork tribes, an even outsmarted Brainbasha da Smartypantz an' his Finkyboyz, but dat's anuvva story.

Kurrent Affairz:

We'z in a bit of a slog at da moment, da Deff Gard wot kall demselvez da Kongregashun of Filf started mukkin' about wiv us an' we is in a stalemate wiv dem. Hopefully da reinforsementz we kalled for arrive soon...


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