Hoo boy, I didn't expect this thread to be this busy!
Right, back to work:
Well, you didn't keep me waiting long!
I think you are onto something with the direction you're going with your theme.
I don't love bright green and brown on marines, so I like the Quelled version of the heraldry more.
Perhaps you could make it less Salamander-y, but when all is said and done, it's down to your personal taste.
To be fair, it looks at least twenty times better on the models I've painted than in the painter image.
There's a full squad of five Warminds now, I'll be sure to get a picture of them next time I get a day off (probably next month at this rate, haha)
The History section feels a little chaotic, but there are good ideas in there.
I feel that you may benefit from expanding some of the background for the Ghastheim Rift (why is it so emportant to deserve not one but three marines Chapters for its defence?) and perhaps even some battles.
Actually, there's five (Well...eventually six) Chapters.
I know that sounds like total overkill, but it's something that's going to build up over a long time.
You're right though - I'm starting to think some kind of 'Overview' thread like Kelborn had/has for his Dominion of Storms/Vraccarian Rift might help clarify the amount of stuff going on in and around Glastheim.
Waagh [REDACTED] sounds pretty important for the history of the Chapter. How did they adapt to face their costant enemy? Did they develop a particular enmity towards the greenskins, or a particular expertise in this field?
The same goes for the Inferash and their Primastic Battleships. Am I missing something here? Who are these people? I need to know!
I literally made the Inferash up on the spot - you've now got all the information I have on them!
Waaaagh [REDACTED] is going to be my next xenos side in development. I've got them all figured out (sort of) except for the name, and will expand on them as necessary when I don't have to type [REDACTED] quite so much!
I like the overall Chapter feel and behaviour.
Somewhat resigned, but determined, powerful but restrained, reflective while an (almost) inevitable doom is coming to claim them.
I enjoyed reading their diplomatic side. They are about to die, but will have lots of friends around their bed! Perhaps you could explore this side of the Warminds even further. What are their relationship with the wider Imperium? How do they behave towards the populace of the Ghasteim Rift?
Good thinking. That is something I'll need to think over a bit more!
Geffen sounds like a good recruiting world, but I would add another pinch of Grimdark to really drive home their desperate struggle for survival. What lenghts do they have to go to in order to see another day? I suspect this may cause them do develop a certain nihilistic and passionate worldview, something that the Chapter could work with (they battle against impending doom aswell, but perhaps they would smooth the more cynical aspects of their recruits teaching them a monastic approach to life? I'm picturing the Master of Recruits as some sort of Buddha in front of some bratty ganger they just recruited, funny as it is).
Hope my feedback helps.
I mean, the population is literally fighting each other to get enough food to keep their people alive. I can't think of any homeworld outside of Nostramo that was quite that grim in the canon, off the top of my head.
But you're right in a sense, in that there's zero mention of the obvious fix for this situation - cannibalism. The Warminds won't allow that to happen much amongst the Farm Clans, and the Raiders that turn to it will often find themselves without anyone willing to work with them, but it probably deserves a mention!
I didn't expect Triggered 'didn't think this through' Redshirt to make it to the history books.
You won the thread. There had to be some kind of prize!
And I can't help but think this [REDACTED] is code for [name pending]. Since when anyone in the Imperium bothers to cover the existence of orks, after all?
Spot on. I'm just working out a name (and waiting until the Warminds are mostly done) before I get to work on this particular band of orks.
From the name of their ships, I'm picturing the Harmony from the first Endless Space when I imagine the Inferash Tribune. Not that I actually played that game's only expansion. Whatever they may truly be—have been, since they apparently made their last stand in M40—they wouldn't be the first species to be mentioned in the lore as battling against space marines. It's 'minor civilizations' like that that helps remind the Milky Way is an enormous place, both in matters of time and space.
I hadn't heard of Endless Space or the Harmony at the time, but if the shoe fits...
For what it's worth I'd pictured a cross between a Star Destroyer and a cathedral made of unbreakable multi-hued glass.
I find it interesting that the Warminds' behavior towards the people they protect isn't mentioned, seeing as they descend from one of the friendliest chapters out there. Either way, I do think Corax would be proud of them (assuming there's any light left upstairs once he comes back from throwing himself at traitors in the Warp); they're convinced they're doomed, and what do they do? Do they give up on the futility of life and retreat within their fortress-monastery to wait for the end? Do they beseech all and any higher power to save them from their fate? Do they simply stop caring?
No! They're fulfilling their duty come hell or high water and fighting to the bitter end. To the last breath, indeed.
I probably should actually mention the Warminds going into wars to preserve Humanity no matter the cost, it's supposed to be a major reason for their attrition problems.
The rest was exactly the attitude I was hoping to convey with them - come what may, the Warminds will always, always fight. How could they go before the Emperor in anything but shame if they did otherwise?
The recruits must be quite salty when they see the Warminds have beautiful, carefully-tended gardens that aren't even used for food when they've been starving most of their previous life, though. They're monks, alright; and I'm even reminded of an interesting discovery early in the first Dune novel.
And this is an object lesson on why improvising ideas in the midst of a draft doesn't always work out.
I'm now torn between leaving it (and making the Warminds look kind of like jerks) and replacing it with zen gardens made of artfully raked dirt and well-placed stones (which is probably a better fit given the Monastery is in a wasteland) as a reminder that even in desolation there is purpose.
Moving on, I disagree with The_Bloody about adding grimdark to the world of Geffen for a few reasons. First, they were a flourishing agri-world that's been turned into a wraith of its former self because of a biological armageddon, and now will struggle to even have a life that's remotely comfortable until they die out for good. They're a post-apocalyptic culture for all intents and purposes, swapping the usual nuclear holocaust for a biological one, and without anything like the Brotherhood of Steel, the Enclave, the Commonwealth Institute of Technology or even a M. House to help the survivors gain back a sliver of their previous glory.
It's already rough enough from where I'm standing. And that's my second point: push the 'grimdark' enough, and it becomes a joke. Push it some more and the reader may actually walk away because the thing has become a caricature they can't take seriously anymore. Pust it one last time and it's formally knighted punchline to the universe's black comedy routine.
(This point can be very subjective, true, depending on each individual's personal preferences as it does.)
My last and biggest point, however, would be... is it actually necessary? Subjective again, but the 'raw deal' looks enough to me, as I mentioned. Would it actually contribute that much to the whole?
Of course, my obsession with that question is why I've not completed a story or even a draft of one in over a year, so import some salt from Medrengard.
I think Geffen already sounds like a pretty horrible place to live as it is, if I'm honest.
But I do think some mention of cannibals would add a little spice without ruining the flavour, so to speak.
Let me rephrase it: I didn't mean to say to make It worse for the sake of it. Their situation can be hard enough as it is. What I'm saying Is that I think their struggle would be better driven home, as a plot point, by a harder punch.
You can tell me that they're having a hard time, and that's ok, but for my taste, if you can really make me understand the entity of their struggle... That's better.
This Is what I meant, I'm not necessarily talking about exaggeration.
Ah, so perhaps I just need to look at how it is worded, rather than turning up the desolation.
I'll give the homeworld section another look, and see what I can do.
I very dig this first draft. Seeing a standing belief section prompted a question; given their strong beliefs surrounding death, do they maintain particular rights or observances with the death of a battle brother, compared to typical chapters?
You know, I bet they probably do.
I'll just need a couple of days to figure out what those rites are.
Also let me C&C myself here, I was supposed to make mention of the Chapter's extensive use of death-mask helmets, and plain old forgot. Oops!
I also agree with the notion you have of placing the history at or towards the end, particularly for the most recent history, but I could also see some of those more important details being distributed in other relevant sections.
Yeah, I think the Recent History bit in this case will be everything from the arrival of the Primaris Marines. So while that's only a hundred-odd years of history, really the story is how the Warminds will be gaining in number for the first time in, well, ever. This itself will have a large effect on the Chapter, as these new marines have to learn a set of beliefs that might, technically, be obsolete, and have to abide by them regardless until such time as they can adjust how the Firstborn Warminds think.
Thank you all for the C&C! There's plenty there for me to think over and work on. Hopefully the second draft will be an improvement!