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IA: Wings of Dawn - LASC 2019

Successor Chapter WIP LASC19

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#76
Berzul

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I suspected as much, you couldn't really get this much info into one piece if you weren't writing it for yourself. That much is fair enough in every way.

 

I imagine it happens to most people. After all, despite this being a solid community, we all still live on our own, each one of us. So, you make your backstory for your chapter for yourself, first and foremost. These are your guys, and in writting who they are, you are making a story for yourself to enjoy as you play them later. It's awesome to share it, but it is still for you, first, and for the rest second.

 

 

 

However, I think my criticism still stands, and if you're posting something in a public forum, you've got to accept some level of community-level standardization in a lot of ways. Now, I'm not just being critical, I'm trying to be constructive. I'm not actually telling you what you need to do to get something or go somewhere. More what I'm suggesting is that if you want to make an IA using this particular format that has a lot of community acceptance, which has been taken from the officially released IA's.

 

I never tried to even imply that your criticism did not stand, still. I am not defending the text as it is. I am explaining why the text is as it is, and, in fact, I think your suggestions are pretty freaking good, and make a lot of sense.

 

When I first wrote this IA I had no frame of reference really. I wrote it on my own, for myself, and only later did I find the LASC 2019, which I took as an opportunity to polish y writting and keep working the chapter. But then, at the same time, there was little standarized frame of reference, as each thread and post was actually quite different and the suggested frameworks on the pinned post of this subforum are also quite different between them. 

 

 

 

This is only if you want to and if you're happy with it I've no criticism of that and that's awesome and can disregard what I've put here anyway. However, for my money I'd still say it'd be beneficial to construct an IA from this, and keep this as the lore explosion for these guys as it is. It'll just allow people to have an easier time to read about your chapter.

 

Again, I am both happy with how the text is (in the sense that, long though the text may be still, I have already done all the trimming down I am comfortable with doing, and I think that cutting more text would be an excercise based just around reducing the length of the IA, but not of improving the quality of the lore presented, and so, if it is just about making it shorter, then that won't necessarily make it better).

 

At the same time, again, I agree with you and your suggestions, that the way it is presented causes a high obstacle to appear. The information would be better presented with a more comprehensive summary at the start, and maybe even with a switching of the information. Starting with how the chapter is organized, what their culture is, and how they fight, before jumping in to the backstory of how they got this way. Instead of starting by explaining all the history of the chapter, before getting into who they are as of today and why they might be an interesting chapter.

 

People most likely would prefer to know how the chapter works, first. Then, if they find it an interesting chapter, they might want to know what the story behind it is. Same as when you explain chapters to people that are outside of the game, I guess. If I wanted to go and explain to someone who the Dark Angels are, I'd probably start with how they are medieval knights in space, that they wear green armor, and robes, and how they have secrets and hide a 10.000 year old shame. That is more gipping than the backstory of the chapter, which can serve to enhance the experience of understanding them; but is not essential to getting a sence of who they are and how they play.

 

 

 

In any case, it's heartening to see an extensive amount of work being put into a DIY chapter and I mean that sincerely. I just think you're not putting your best as good of a foot forward in terms of showing the chapter off to the community as you could be, that's all.

 

Thank you. And, yeah, probably.

 

 

 

If I get the time, I'll come back and see if I can offer up my two cents on the work itself.

 

I seriously hope you do! But, then again, considering the points presented, it would be absolutely understandable if you don't get around to it sweat.gif 

 

If you happen to have any comments, I'd be happy to read them. If not, just the suggestions you have already given me are absolutely wonderful and a great help in improving the writting. Thank you!


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"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#77
Brother Lunkhead

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Hail Brother Berzul,

 

It's good to see you and your Wings of Dawn again. Thanks for the pics. Your army looks fairly fantasticthumbsup.gif I think Azrael would be proud of this successor chapter, although he would probably not be inclined to say so, given his demeanor verymad.gif teehee.gif

 

Since you don't have any new content (no rush Brother) to comment on, I'll direct my thoughts at Brother Grey's critique and comment on IA development in general. I'll just reference Brother Grey's original comments as all else expands from there.

 

Posted 12 December 2019 - 03:48 PM

 

Holy mackerel this is a huge, huge amount of text.

 

I suggested in another thread yesterday that it might be beneficial to split it up. Draw off what you need to make the IA (which is in essence a summary) in order to hook people with your chapter, and then present all the other information in a different 'tabula'. In this manner it allows people to gain an interest and an investment in your chapter and from there they can dig into the rest of your literature on them.

 

This is a lot, it's huge, utterly huge. Being completely honest, I wouldn't even start reading it as a layman. It's such a huge investment in time to try and get through it all with no promise of quality or interest. Speaking from the perspective of marketing your own brand, you need a narrative hook to grab people, which is what the IA is for.

 

Like I suggested in the other thread, make sure there's nothing you can't trim down. Anything that doesn't drive the piece forward should be cut. To paraphrase the quote I put forward earlier, "It's finished not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

 

If I was going to suggest an ideal length for an IA I'd be looking at the Commissar Molotov's Castigators as a guide. Honestly I'd recommend the Castigators as essential reading to anyone attempting an IA, whether it's the first or twenty-first attempt.

 

I'll try and get back later and actually attack the body of work itself, even if only in parts.

 

Firstly, let me just say that I don't want anyone to be under the misconception that I am attacking or criticizing Brother Grey or his critique in any way. In fact I think he is spot on with this and his later musings and observations. I just think that at this stage of development you should be allowed plenty of room for flexibility. 

 

There is definitely a lot of text to go througheek.gif and many Fraters might be inclined not to read it at this point simply due to the length. But, at this point I don't think you should be too concerned with that. Until you get closer to your final draft, it should be as long or as short as you want it to be. If you want to put your whole story out for the community to see and critique (as I think you want) and as long as there are a few of us out there who are willing to roll up our sleeves and take a critical look at your work and comment, then I think you are ok. By putting a lot of story content out for all to see, it allows you to edit as you go along and strengthen your whole narrative as you move towards your final draft. 

 

Now, as you get closer to your final draft, that's where Brother Grey's points really kick in. At that time you should really take heed to what he has to say, and you can't do much better than using Commissar Molotov's Castigators IA as a measuring stick. Ultimately though, it's your chapter and you should first shape it into a format that pleases you, but for readability by the greater community, Brother Grey's advise stands on solid groundyes.gif

 

I'm looking forward to seeing more from you.


Edited by Brother Lunkhead, 15 December 2019 - 07:36 PM.

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#78
Berzul

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Hey everyone!

 

I have been working a lot on the chapter, as of late. Polishing some stuff, reviewing a few bits and pieces, and working on structure for the text. I have expanded some parts I felt were lacking, and added others I felt would be good to add.

 

Mostly, I've been trying to set myself up, mentally, to both do a whole review of the entire 21 pages of lore I have written so far, as well as to then use this review to write a chapter brief, to start with. Following the advice, the idea is to present a much more condensed text that gives a big impression on what the chapter is about.

That way, if anyone wants to read just that, they can still get a sense of who the Wings of Dawn are, but if they like, they can read on and get much more detail out of it.

 

I hope to post this, soon. Like, in the next couple of weeks.


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"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#79
Bjorn Firewalker

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Good luck with your plans. May you be free of Writer's Block.

By the way, will the Chapter survive to fight in the Indomitus Crusade, and receive Primaris Marine reinforcements? Or will it reject the Primaris as "perversion of our father's genetic gifts to his sons"?
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Reasons to use the Steel Crusaders ('Codex: Space Marines' supplement) or the Iron-hearted Angels ('Codex: Blood Angels' supplement): Because you think giving Sternguard Veterans a heavy bolter wtih special issue HEAVY BOLTER ammunition is ALMOST as much fun as shoehorning an Earthshaker cannon into a Land Raider.

#80
jbaeza94

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You can try what im plannin. First Post will be brief with some accolades and information, with links to other posts that really expand on everything. 

 

either way, welcome back haha. i gotta get back to work on mine as well


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#81
Berzul

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@jbaeza94 , I might make a new thread, to follow such a structure, indeed.

@Bjorn Firewalker , I am still trying to decide on it. In my mind, the Wings of Dawn do not and would not reject Primaris. In fact, I wrote an excusw to fill two companies worth of Primaris. But HOW? And will it be a simple matter? Not sure yet

"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#82
jbaeza94

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They can be part of the awoken primaris rather than indoctrinated or ascended. It all depends on how far along in the time line you are. For example, I'm pushing my timeline as far forward as possible to allow a roughly half half mix, with most being indoctrinated.

However, for your case, after huge losses, maybe even damage to the ability for the chapter to produce new marines, the awoken arrive to reinforce, 2 whole companies worth, while the chapter repairs its ability to produce space marines again. Or something like that. This will put you in the early stages of primaris and give you a reason for a large swell of primaris suddenly.

Alternatively, place it later in the timeline, and as of now, including the awoken that arrived, enough primaris have been created to make 2 companies worth


Fyi, awoken are cawl marines, indoctrinated are in house created, and ascended are rubicon marines, per the sm codex

Edited by jbaeza94, 03 February 2020 - 11:07 PM.

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#83
Berzul

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They can be part of the awoken primaris rather than indoctrinated or ascended. It all depends on how far along in the time line you are. For example, I'm pushing my timeline as far forward as possible to allow a roughly half half mix, with most being indoctrinated.

However, for your case, after huge losses, maybe even damage to the ability for the chapter to produce new marines, the awoken arrive to reinforce, 2 whole companies worth, while the chapter repairs its ability to produce space marines again. Or something like that. This will put you in the early stages of primaris and give you a reason for a large swell of primaris suddenly.

Alternatively, place it later in the timeline, and as of now, including the awoken that arrived, enough primaris have been created to make 2 companies worth


Fyi, awoken are cawl marines, indoctrinated are in house created, and ascended are rubicon marines, per the sm codex

 

Well, I am thinking that there would be a good number of awoken ones, at first, due to the proximity of the chapter to Ultramar and the adherence of the chapter to the codex. Their loyalty to standard imperium rule, and their lack of a shameful secret that would harbor distrust, would make them welcoming to the first waves of reinforcements. But, to an extent.

 

Then, as the years pass, they would start to suffer their own internal schism due to the differences with the Primaris marines. This, not due to secrets, but due to cultural superstition.

 

I have been working on some text to address chaplains in the chapter. They way the distinction between regular chaplains and interrogators in this chapter works, is that the Reclusiam is divided into two strata or levels. Chaplains are sent to regular companies and attached to them, but on a second level there are the arch chaplains, under the direct control of the master of sanctity. Unlike the dark angels, these guys are not more knowledgeable of any chapter secrets than any other battle brother; but what they are is close students of the past of the chapter and the fate of the Lightkeepers.

 

The whole thing with this chapter is that, it was once founded as one chapter, that was meant to die, but survived. The survivors decided to nominally call their chapter as dead, and took on a new name. They were founded again, and provided with reinforcements, at the end of M37, becoming the current Wings of Dawn. This is a story every battle brother knows. The deal is that their death in their previous incarnation was meant to bring about the death of the great evil that sprung out from their system. By surviving, they (rightly) fear now that this evil survived as well.

 

So, chaplains are spiritual leaders of the chapter that is, and arch chaplains are keepers of the traditions and knowledge of the chapter that was. They seek to preserve a fear of doom that should never abandon the chapter, lest they forget their sworn duty to keep watch for signs of its lingering power. They also exist to keep the stories alive of what failings might have been committed by the Lightkeepers chapter, by going against fate and surviving against the evil they had to fight.

 

So, Primaris, in a way, represent a new cycle of the same problem. They bring with them new blood, that might better distance the chapter from its past. And, some might rejoice in the idea, but others might fear the notion of the battle brothers forgetting more and more of the real flaw that lies within them as a whole, as this could lead them to weakness, and to the return of the doom itself.

 

I am thinking of having the chapter command struggle with this. First, by having a need to welcome the awoken, but with the Reclusiam and the Master of Sanctity going against the notion. Then, with the problem being made all the more serious by the disappearance of the fourth and fifth companies, as it presents an urgent need to replenish their own ranks, but with the very same situation presenting a chance for indoctrinated and ascended battle brothers to assume a more prominent role in the chapter as a whole.


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"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#84
Brother Lunkhead

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All reasoned out very nicely Brother. Good jobthumbsup.gif


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#85
Berzul

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Thank you, Brother Lunkhead.

 

I am hoping the induction of the Primaris Marines will give me a good opportunity to play out the paradoxes and cultural contradictions of the chapter.

 

My goal is to try to convey the conflicting ideas that arise from a group of people that survive fate, but have noone to explain to them how, or if that is even ok. If fate should have been followed, or breaking from it is correct. And also how this becomes more muddled up, when the group believes their continued existence dooms them to the revival of their own arch nemesis, but at the same time, the true survivors from the previous chapter are indeed (by this point in time) mostly dead (with some surviving in dreadnoughts). I want to show how conflicting it must be to both believe your second founding cuts you off from your destiny, but at the same time your own escape ties you back to it, and how the philosophy of the chapter cannot make up its dogma on whether the chapter should move on from their past entirely or cling to it.

 

Primaris Marines present me an opportunity to address all of these contradictions and cultural paradoxes. I just hope I can manage to do it well enough so that it can be seen and felt on the text.


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"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#86
Berzul

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Still working on this. I haven't forgotten.

 

It's just been hard to find the time, as I've had a lot of problems lately with my daughter getting sick (nothing serious, just your average cold), which has put a strain on my ability to find time to deal with work, and then save time to write.

 

I am trying to make up a summary of the lore I have written so far, so as to comply with a mold for the index that is better suited for casual users in the forum. I have decided to split this into the following topics (which I hope will encapsulate the chapter well):

 

ORIGINS OF THE CHAPTER

 

CHAPTER HOME-WORLD

 

CULTURE AND TRADITIONS

 

BATTLEFIELD DOCTRINES

 

ORGANIZATION

 

 

My idea is to describe each part in 500 words or less. First, why and how the chapter was made, then what Alcides as a planet is all about. Then I plan to explain the whole mess with hoe the chapter came to be, in terms of how this affects their own self image, and their purpose as a chapter, which in turn affects how they sustain themselves over time culturally. Next I will just go over their methods of war, briefly. Finally, I'll sum up their chapter organization, and the small deviations they have from the codex.

 

 

So far, the only part I have managed to write is the first one. A first draft, at least.

 

Here is the text for it:

Hidden Content


Edited by Berzul, 12 February 2020 - 11:40 PM.

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"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#87
Messor

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Solid introduction, Berzul. Sets expectations for the remaining sections nicely, and provides intrigue to keep the reader hooked. I noted a small typo in the second to last sentence; "themselves been born again". 


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The Liber; it's like a Biscopea for DIYs!

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#88
Berzul

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Solid introduction, Berzul. Sets expectations for the remaining sections nicely, and provides intrigue to keep the reader hooked. I noted a small typo in the second to last sentence; "themselves been born again". 

Thanks! Both on your encouragement, and your observations. I am incredibly excited that this introduction can cause a reader to become interested in reading further. Thank you, very much.

 

I have in fact polished the text a bit. I have a habit of using sentences that go on for too long, and that start reading with too much flair. I am constantly having to cut myself from going on and on. So, I went back and I trimmed this down a bit, to make sure it reads well. Just, small tweaks, nothing big.

 

I'm moving on to writing about the homeworld now.


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"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#89
jbaeza94

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One thing that has helped my writing in both professional and recreational settings is text to speech. Many free online ones. Sometimes, listening to it helps you out with flow and pick up typos

Either way, great work as always brother!
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#90
Berzul

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Thank you.

 

I will abstain from posting the edits, until I have finished the whole text for the entire part of the IA. So as to not spam here with it. But, once I do, I'll make sure to point out the fact that the text WAS modified from this first draft.

 

Lets keep going with chapter two, then.... the world of Alcides.


"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#91
Brother Lunkhead

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Your first draft is mostly solid. The only issue I have is with the first paragraph:

 

Hidden Content

 

Your prose is very solid, but the content is vague and as such detracts from the rest of the content. I think you would be better off editing this out and starting with the second paragraph, which works quite well as an introduction.


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#92
Berzul

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So, the second half of February was hectic, and once March started we all got hit with COVID-19.

I have been in self quarantine with my family since march the 12th, and in mandatory quarantine by my government for the last week and a half.

 

I would have expected that, having work mostly reduced to bare essentials, and being stuck at home all day, it all would have meant more time to write. However, that has NOT been the case. With my four year old requiring constant and almost unending attention (mainly due to her being bored out of her mind for having spent the last three weeks and change inside our living room with no other kids her age to play with), writing has slowed down to a crawl.

 

Still, I managed to review some of the text for the first part of the chapter summary, and to write down the second part.

 

Here it is, in case anyone would like to criticize it and comment.

 

 

ORIGINS OF THE CHAPTER

 

The battle brothers of the Wings of Dawn are a chapter twice born into service for the Imperium of Man. Originally created inside the vast laboratories of Mars and from the gene-seed of the First Legion, through the careful selection of deeply studied and meticulously vetted candidates. All of them taken from many of the various faithful planets of the Segmentum Solar. A brotherhood then made anew after a great calamity, and from amongst the surviving inhabitants of their own sundered home-world. All of these new warriors being brought into service during the final days of the 37th millennium, as a gambit, thought out by the last true-born battle brothers of the chapter. One which was desperately enacted, so as to somehow play out their own twisted fate, and ultimately fulfill their preordained purpose to the Imperium.

 

The creation of the chapter was the result of prophecy. A reaction to a vision of a great and terrifying doom, which was to come from beyond the farthest edges of the known galaxy. The lives of these warriors —the battle brothers of what was named, at first, as the Lightkeepers—, were nothing more than the elected response from a concerned Imperium. Chosen to face against a new and unknowable enemy, which would soon be at its gates.

 

By the mandate which led to their founding, the battle brothers of the Lightkeepers chapter were all born to ultimately die, and to —in doing so— save humankind; for their deaths had been foretold as the means through which to ensure the destruction of whichever evil was bound to spring up from the great darkness of the unknown cosmos. One force made to consume the other, so that countless other imperial lives would be spared.

 

Because of this, the Lightkeepers were created from the gene-seed of the First Legion. In the hopes that the genetic legacy of the Dark Angels Primarch would grant unto them the loyalty, resolve, and honor-bound sense of duty which would be needed to face down their own inescapable sacrifice, with unbreakable determination.

 

Destiny, however, would play itself out in a way unlike that which had been foretold in the prophecies. In the end, the battle brothers of the chapter would manage to stop the doom they had been created to fight; but they would do so without dying out themselves. They would, in fact, survive the death which had been spelled out to them as their one inescapable fate. These few survivors, these last Lightkeepers, being unable to truly understand the complexities or the implications of their own survival, would decide to proclaim their former chapter as dead.

 

They would decide to hold their fates fulfilled, and from the ashes of their former selves they would choose to have themselves be born again, and under a new name. Free to carry on the fight against the enemies of the Imperium, as the Wings of Dawn. Haunted, however, by the unshakeable suspicion that their survival against fate would one day mean the return of their true nemesis.

 

 

CHAPTER HOME-WORLD

 

The chapter is based on the far-off death world of Alcides, in the Orientis Lux system. A place located at the edge of the Eastern Fringe, beyond which nothing exists but the blackness of unending space. A place deprived of any indigenous intelligent life. Discovered and colonized almost a full millennium and a half before the arrival of the chapter.

 

This planet was once a relatively large and successful industrial hub for the Imperium. Then housing billions of imperial citizens, spanning three colossal hive cities, and numerous refineries and industrial hubs. All of this, despite the hardships posed by its climate, its topography, and its natural fauna. And, although it continues to house many millions of imperial citizens into the present day, the great catastrophe that struck it at the end of the 37th millennium has turned it into little more than a fractured shadow of its former self.

 

In any case, Alcides has been, and still is, a dangerous world of cold, red rock. With skies which are constantly lit up in a green haze, caused by the powerful auroras that spread across the entire upper atmosphere; consequence of the particular radiation that emanates from the system’s lone star. With large and wild ocean masses, and vast cragged continents; both of which hold numerous and abundant caches of an emulsion-like substance which is refined by imperial citizens into fuel, both for their military industries and their own daily survival.

 

It is the home to a peculiar genus of beasts, called the Fellhae. Agile, cunning and ferocious monsters that proliferate in many places across Alcides, in various species and subspecies. Each one adapted to their own specific environment within the planet biosphere. These creatures manage to survive this otherwise very inhospitable place, mainly due to their ability to consume not only lesser beasts, but also the emulsion-like substance which is abundant in Alcides. Each species of the genus possesses some variation of a special set of glands and organs, which they can use to ingest and metabolize this substance, so as to then use it as either a secondary source of nourishment, or as a natural weapon with which they can vaporize water, melt stone, or disintegrate both flesh and bone.

 

The natural ability of the Fellhae was quickly adopted through technology by the early settlers of Alcides. This led to their accelerated development, which in turn allowed them to thrive despite the dangers posed by the natural predators and the plentiful dangers of this death world. Their ingenuity and perseverance led to the founding of great hive-scale cities, as well as numerous refineries and industrial complexes, across the many emulsion ponds and reservoirs that lay across the various depths of the planet’s mantle. All of them interconnected by a great underground network of roads and defensive positions centered around the crown jewel of their claim over the planet: The Sigmal. A colossal refinery and drilling outpost, stretching for miles in width and length, and reaching from the surface of the planet and down to its very core.

 

Having survived the sundering of Alcides, at the end of the 37th millennium, the Sigmal acts now as the fortress-monastery of the chapter. Its hallowed chambers housing the battle brothers of the Wings of Dawn, as well as what remains of the history of their old selves. What millions of human inhabitants which yet remain on the planet, all look up to the chapter and  their mighty fortress for protection from a world which they have mostly lost forever.

 

At present, Alcides is a world broken by the ravages of the great disasters that once struck it. With more than one entire hive city having been lost millennia ago to the power of multiple atomic-level explosions and repeated waves of searing solar radiation. With entire mountain ranges having crumbled into dust as a result. With the very shape of its continents and of its oceans having changed beyond control or repair. It is a world now reclaimed by the Fellhae, with its human survivors having been pushed back into the remnants of their once great civilization. Forced to hold the line against both the beasts and the elements from the relative safety of what remains of their underground network. Their lives are now spent in surviving to the best of their ability, while producing the tools of war that are required by both the planetary defense force and the astartes themselves. Heroes who, in turn, keep a vigilant watch, as the perils of the death world encroach more and more, all around them, with each passing generation.

 

 

My next text would be the chapter culture.

 

What I plan to describe here is how the chapter is split into two main focuses. One is watching over Alcides for signs of the great doom, the other is crusading throughout the segmentum fighting the imperium's enemies.

 

The chapter is meant to have traditions rooted in both the Dark Angels, and their own particular past. I have in mind for the chapter to have the tradition of an inner circle, but not as a way to keep secret agendas. Rather, as a way to reveal to the members of the chapter more and more of their own past and history, and the importance of their watch and the hunt for signs of the returning doom. The growth of a battle brother inside the chapter is one of letting go of trappings of glory seeking, and into the somber maturity of ones acceptance of ones own mortality; with chaplains and arch chaplains playing very much into this dynamic, as the former exalt the battle brothers so as to ensure they excel in combat, and the latter bring them down to earth (in a way) by sharing with them the history of their previous brothers and the doom of Alcides.

 

I also plan on having the chapter hold the distinction between true born brothers (that is, brothers who lived through the doom of alcides, many of whom live on as dreadnoughts in the various companies), and reborn brothers (that is, all of them who were inducted into the chapter from the 38th millennium and onward).

 

I finally have been thinking of how Alcides is right now in the timeline (a world ravaged by destruction, with humanity reduced from billions to millions, all of them clinging to the Sigmalite Fortress as their central generatorium, and dedicated to maintaining their network and remaining cities, as well as producing weapons for the astartes and the PDF), and how this plays into the recruitment of the chapter.

 

What I have in mind is that aspirant brothers must pass through three early trials of passage, and one final trial of induction. THeir early trials would include:

1) Venturing (alone, or in groups) into the lost tunnels of the old network, and returning with a relic of the lost Alcides, which may add to the history of the world and the chapter. This proves their dedication to keeping the history of the chapter alive.

 

2) Heading out into the wild (alone, or in groups, under some supervision) to hunt and kill one of the Fellhae. This proves their prowess in battle and ability to survive against impossible odds, with the trial taking different meanings for the surviving aspirant, depending on the terrain he may seek out and subspecies of beast he may hunt down.

 

3) Training their bodies into resisting the unrefined emulsion of the planet, and finally managing to survive being bathed in it. This proves the purity of their body, mind and soul, and develops the necessary resistance to the refined plasma that is crafted from the emulsion. It being the weapon of choice for most battle brothers.

 

Then, after all this, each brother must go through a final rite, by being taken down into the depths of the Sigmal. To the site of the great doom, where the True Born once stopped it. The brother must stare, with the naked eye, into the site on which the light of the great doom was extinguished. This, along with ritual incenses and meditations, will induce a trance, then seizures plagued by visions of various nature, and finally the seeming death for the aspirant. If they can return to life within this sacred place, and bring with them some wisdom of the chapter's history, they may be then be converted into fully fledged battle brothers.
 

This last rite connects the aspirant to the chapter in body, mind and spirit, and seeks to proves the aspirants determination before death itself.

 

 

EDIT: Polished the "Homeworld" part a small bit.


Edited by Berzul, 07 April 2020 - 06:47 PM.

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"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#93
Berzul

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Added some more text.

 

Now, with regards to culture and traditions. I must admit, it is HARD to figure out what to write here, and what to leave out, while at all times keeping it brief and to the actual point of what the chapter is about (and thus, keeping it interesting for a potential reader).

 

In any case, this is my first draft of it:

 

 

CULTURE AND TRADITIONS

The battle brothers of the Wings of Dawn chapter are characterized by a grim demeanor. In the same vein as others who also take their genetic heritage from the First Legion’s Primarch, these warriors carry themselves with somber detachment and solemn purpose, as they go about their lives, both in and out of combat.

 

They are shaped by the conditions of their home world, to see human life as something valuable that must be protected, but ultimately ephemeral. Something to be sacrificed in the pursuit of otherwise greater values, should the need call for it.

 

They are shaped, also, by their own history, to renounce most manners of pride and glory. Boasting comes hard to them, as their lives are spent in a sort of shameful remembrance of the fact that, not only could it very well be argued that they should not exist at all, but also that they themselves are, in no uncertain terms, the ones responsible for the destruction of so much of their own home world, and for the death of billions of imperial lives.

 

They are a chapter that follows the letter of the Codex Astartes very closely. Consequence of their proximity to various areas of influence from other codex-compliant chapters (most notably, the Ultramarines themselves). Consequence, as well, of their use of the Codex in the 38th millennium, as source of knowledge with which they were able to rebuild themselves, after their own decimation. Still, although most of their original traditions (as developed during the brief period of time in which they existed under their previous chapter designation) remain lost to them, some fragments survive, and in relative resemblance to the way they were crafted from the foundational traditions inherited from their progenitors. All of these preserved into present day in as much as they can be, by the brothers of the Reclusiam.

 

Following this amalgamation of traditions, the Wings of Dawn follow the old chapter structure of the Codex Astartes, both in composition and command, yet they keep their own inner circle from amongst the masters of each of their ten companies. Their task being an agenda all to their own. One which, although not tied to a secret shame as it is with their parent chapter, is still the primary concern of the high command of the chapter at all times: the pursuit of any evidence of the survival of the great enemy they once faced at the sundering of Alcides. As knowledge of the chapter’s past grows within a particular battle brother, they are inducted more and more into this inner circle, and they are granted further responsibility in the eternal watch they all maintain for the return of this great evil.

 

Before even beginning such a path, though, any new warrior that might enter into the ranks of the chapter must pass through a series of trials. Each born from the features of their home world, the state of the human civilization that remains upon it, and the events that led to the chapter’s current condition. All of them playing a part in shaping an aspirant into becoming a true battle brother.

 

Beyond the instruction and training, then, that any potential astartes must survive in order to be considered at all by the chapter, the inner circle of the Wings of Dawn, under advisement of the Arch Chaplains of the Reclusiam, makes their aspirants go through three particular rites of initiation. Those who survive them, must then perform a ritual of self-sacrifice known to the chapter as the “blinding sight”. Surviving this final trial is the only way to become a battle brother, and with each aspirant that survives it the chapter as a whole comes one step closer to understanding the true nature of their own fate.

 

 

+++

 

I have also worked on a summary, to the brief, that might be the first text in the IA. It aims at being a sort of ultra summary of what the chapter is about. An into, to these 5 topics I am working on, which all serve as an intro itself, into the rest of the chapter history and detail.

 

The text for THAT, is this one:

 

CHAPTER SUMMARY

The Wings of Dawn is a loyalist chapter of the Adeptus Astartes, and codex-compliant successors to the Dark Angels. They are formally a part of the Sentinel Founding, and are based on a distant, broken death world named Alcides, near the edge of the Eastern Fringe.

 

It is a chapter formed up of warriors made from the gene-seed of the First Legion. Heirs to their Primarch’s heritage of an unyielding loyalty to the Imperium, and a stoic determination in the face of inescapable death. Distinctive traits which were highly sought after for the creation of these warriors, as they were brought into service with the specific task of holding a line at the farthest reaches of the Eastern Fringe; and to sacrifice themselves to the last man in order to stop a prophesized evil that would come into the known universe from the depths of undiscovered space.

 

This is a chapter born, destroyed, and then reborn, in defiance of prophecy. Having acted as the unwitting engineers of their own downfall, and as the agents of the great cataclysm that struck their home-world at the turn of the 37th millennium. Having then survived this doom, and their battle against their fated enemy, despite the wisdom of the visions and the holy predictions of the great Imperium going against them.

 

The battle brothers of the chapter are grim warriors, who truly embody the sacred words of the Emperor: “And they shall not know fear”. They are courageous to the point of being thought of as suicidal, and they never allow themselves to give an inch to the enemy. Still, they are not stubborn or foolhardy, as other chapters can be. Their sacrifices are not made for pride, for wrath, or for glory, but for duty. Their genetic makeup carries with it the strategic prowess of their Primarch, and so, the combination of their traits makes the Wings of Dawn a force of warriors who are never hesitant to lay down their lives, but who always do so in service to a greater plan for victory.

 

From within the hallowed halls of their monastery, the Sigmalite Fortress, they maintain a constant watch over the larger segmentum. Ever in open vigilance for any activities on the part of the enemies of the Imperium, but also in secret search for any signs or clues which may tell of the return of their fated enemy. This, as they live on in constant suspicion that their own survival, millennia ago, must have meant that the doom they once stopped is not forever gone, but rather that its existence is forever bound to the chapter, and while one survives, so will the other.


Edited by Berzul, 08 April 2020 - 04:06 PM.

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"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#94
Brother Lunkhead

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Hail Brother Berzul,

Just had time to skim through your latest addition. Summery looks good. I'll get back for in depth comments in the next day or two, after I've had a chance to read in more detail. Keep up the good work.
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#95
Berzul

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Thank you, brother, for always taking the time to review this and all the other posts in these parts of the forum. Your dedication is absolutely exemplar, and your criticism always on point. I am, seriously, very grateful for your time and encouragement.

 

Once I started to write again with more frequency, I found myself making some serious progress. In fact, despite changes pending review, of course, I can sum up the chapter summary, and 4/5 parts of the chapter brief already. All I need is to write the part about the chapter's organization. This text should allow anyone who cares to read about the chapter, to get a quick idea of who they are. If they like it, they can read some more detail. If they like THAT, then they can go ahead and read the history of the chapter in full detail, as they go on.

 

If it makes reviewing it easier, I'll sum it all up right here:

 

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++

 

CHAPTER SUMMARY

 

The Wings of Dawn is a loyalist chapter of the Adeptus Astartes, and codex-compliant successors to the Dark Angels. They are formally a part of the Sentinel Founding, and are based on a distant, broken death world named Alcides, near the edge of the Eastern Fringe.

 

It is a chapter formed up of warriors made from the gene-seed of the First Legion. Heirs to their Primarch’s heritage of an unyielding loyalty to the Imperium, and a stoic determination in the face of inescapable death. Distinctive traits which were highly sought after for the creation of these warriors, as they were brought into service with the specific task of holding a line at the farthest reaches of the Eastern Fringe; and to sacrifice themselves to the last man in order to stop a prophesized evil that would come into the known universe from the depths of undiscovered space.

 

This is a chapter born, destroyed, and then reborn, in defiance of prophecy. Having acted as the unwitting engineers of their own downfall, and as the agents of the great cataclysm that struck their home-world at the turn of the 37th millennium. Having then survived this doom, and their battle against their fated enemy, despite the wisdom of the visions and the holy predictions of the great Imperium going against them.

 

The battle brothers of the chapter are grim warriors, who truly embody the sacred words of the Emperor: “And they shall not know fear”. They are courageous to the point of being thought of as suicidal, and they never allow themselves to give an inch to the enemy. Still, they are not stubborn or foolhardy, as other chapters can be. Their sacrifices are not made for pride, for wrath, or for glory, but for duty. Their genetic makeup carries with it the strategic prowess of their Primarch, and so, the combination of their traits makes the Wings of Dawn a force of warriors who are never hesitant to lay down their lives, but who always do so in service to a greater plan for victory.

 

From within the hallowed halls of their monastery, the Sigmalite Fortress, they maintain a constant watch over the larger segmentum. Ever in open vigilance for any activities on the part of the enemies of the Imperium, but also in secret search for any signs or clues which may tell of the return of their fated enemy. This, as they live on in constant suspicion that their own survival, millennia ago, must have meant that the doom they once stopped is not forever gone, but rather that its existence is forever bound to the chapter, and while one survives, so will the other.

 

+++ +++ +++ +++ +++

 

CHAPTER BRIEF

 

Origins of the chapter

 

The battle brothers of the Wings of Dawn are a chapter twice born into service for the Imperium of Man. Originally created inside the vast laboratories of Mars and from the gene-seed of the First Legion, through the careful selection of deeply studied and meticulously vetted candidates. All of them taken from many of the various faithful planets of the Segmentum Solar. A brotherhood then made anew after a great calamity, and from amongst the surviving inhabitants of their own sundered home-world. All of these new warriors being brought into service during the final days of the 37th millennium, as a gambit, thought out by the last true-born battle brothers of the chapter. One which was desperately enacted, so as to somehow play out their own twisted fate, and ultimately fulfill their preordained purpose to the Imperium.

 

The creation of the chapter was the result of prophecy. A reaction to a vision of a great and terrifying doom, which was to come from beyond the farthest edges of the known galaxy. The lives of these warriors —the battle brothers of what was named, at first, as the Lightkeepers—, were nothing more than the elected response from a concerned Imperium. Chosen to face against a new and unknowable enemy, which would soon be at its gates.

 

By the mandate which led to their founding, the battle brothers of the Lightkeepers chapter were all born to ultimately die, and to —in doing so— save humankind; for their deaths had been foretold as the means through which to ensure the destruction of whichever evil was bound to spring up from the great darkness of the unknown cosmos. One force made to consume the other, so that countless other imperial lives would be spared.

 

Because of this, the Lightkeepers were created from the gene-seed of the First Legion. In the hopes that the genetic legacy of the Dark Angels Primarch would grant unto them the loyalty, resolve, and honor-bound sense of duty which would be needed to face down their own inescapable sacrifice, with unbreakable determination.

 

Destiny, however, would play itself out in a way unlike that which had been foretold in the prophecies. In the end, the battle brothers of the chapter would manage to stop the doom they had been created to fight; but they would do so without dying out themselves. They would, in fact, survive the death which had been spelled out to them as their one inescapable fate. These few survivors, these last Lightkeepers, being unable to truly understand the complexities or the implications of their own survival, would decide to proclaim their former chapter as dead.

 

They would decide to hold their fates fulfilled, and from the ashes of their former selves they would choose to have themselves be born again, and under a new name. Free to carry on the fight against the enemies of the Imperium, as the Wings of Dawn. Haunted, however, by the unshakeable suspicion that their survival against fate would one day mean the return of their true nemesis.

 

 

Chapter home world

 

The chapter is based on the far-off death world of Alcides, in the Orientis Lux system. A place located at the edge of the Eastern Fringe, beyond which nothing exists but the blackness of unending space. A place deprived of any indigenous intelligent life. Discovered and colonized almost a full millennium and a half before the arrival of the chapter.

 

This planet was once a relatively large and successful industrial hub for the Imperium. Then housing billions of imperial citizens, spanning three colossal hive cities, and numerous refineries and industrial hubs. All of this, despite the deadly hardships posed by its climate, its topography, and its natural fauna. And, although it continues to house many millions of imperial citizens into the present day, the great catastrophe that struck it at the end of the 37th millennium has turned it into little more than a fractured shadow of its former self.

 

In any case, Alcides has been, and still is, a dangerous world of cold, red rock. With storm filled skies which are constantly lit up in a green haze, caused by the powerful auroras that spread across the entire upper atmosphere; consequence of the particular radiation that emanates from the system’s lone star. With large and wild ocean masses, and vast cragged continents; all of which hold numerous and abundant caches of an emulsion-like substance which is refined by imperial citizens into fuel, both for their military industries and their own daily survival.

 

It is the home to a peculiar genus of beasts, called the Fellhae. Agile, cunning and ferocious monsters that proliferate in many places across Alcides, in various species and subspecies. Each one adapted to their own specific environment within the planet biosphere. These creatures manage to survive this otherwise very inhospitable place, mainly due to their ability to consume not only lesser beasts, but also the emulsion-like substance which is abundant in Alcides. Each species of the genus possesses some variation of a special set of glands and organs, which they can use to ingest and metabolize this substance, so as to then use it as either a secondary source of nourishment, or as a natural weapon with which they can vaporize water, melt stone, or disintegrate both flesh and bone.

 

The natural ability of the Fellhae was quickly adopted through technology by the early settlers of Alcides. This led to their accelerated development, which in turn allowed them to thrive despite the dangers posed by the natural predators and the plentiful other hazards of this death world. Their ingenuity and perseverance led to the founding of great hive-scale cities, as well as numerous refineries and industrial complexes, across the many emulsion ponds and reservoirs that lay across the various depths of the planet’s mantle. All of them interconnected by a great underground network of roads and defensive positions centered around the crown jewel of their claim over the planet: The Sigmal. A colossal refinery and drilling outpost, stretching for miles in width and length, and reaching from the surface of the planet and down to its very core.

 

Having survived the sundering of Alcides, at the end of the 37th millennium, the Sigmal acts now as the fortress-monastery of the chapter. Its hallowed chambers housing the battle brothers of the Wings of Dawn, as well as what remains of the history of their old selves. What millions of human inhabitants which yet remain on the planet, all look up to the chapter and their mighty fortress for protection from a world which they have mostly lost forever.

 

So, at present, Alcides is a world broken by the ravages of the great disasters that once struck it. With more than one entire hive city having been lost millennia ago to the power of multiple atomic-level explosions and repeated waves of searing solar radiation. With entire mountain ranges having crumbled into dust as a result. With the very shape of its continents and of its oceans having changed beyond control or repair. It is a world now reclaimed by the Fellhae, with its human survivors having been pushed back into the remnants of their once great civilization. Forced to hold the line against both the beasts and the elements from the relative safety of what remains of their underground network. Their lives are now spent in surviving to the best of their ability, while producing the tools of war that are required by both the planetary defense force and the astartes themselves. Heroes who, in turn, keep a vigilant watch, as the perils of the death world encroach more and more, all around them, with each passing generation.

 

 

Culture and traditions

 

The battle brothers of the Wings of Dawn chapter are characterized by a grim demeanor. In the same vein as others who also take their genetic heritage from the First Legion’s Primarch, these warriors carry themselves with somber detachment and solemn purpose, as they go about their lives, both in and out of combat.

 

They are shaped by the conditions of their home world, to see human life as something valuable that must be protected, but ultimately ephemeral. They hold themselves to be the protectors of their home world, and the liberators of all systems besieged by the enemies of humankind. With their war cry —although at present being somewhat removed in meaning from what it originally was, in the early 38th millennium—, upholding and exalting these ideals. Still, in the end they see all human life as something to be sacrificed in the pursuit of otherwise greater ends, should the need call for it. They feel deeply for the weak who might fear their own deaths, and hold a special form scorn for warriors who show even a semblance of doubt at the idea of laying down their lives for the good of others.

 

They are shaped, also, by their own history, to renounce most manners of pride and glory. Boasting comes hard to them, as their lives are spent in a sort of shameful remembrance of the fact that, not only could it very well be argued that they should not exist at all, but also that they themselves are, in no uncertain terms, the ones responsible for the destruction of so much of their own home world, and for the death of billions of imperial lives.

 

They are a chapter that follows the letter of the Codex Astartes very closely. Consequence of their proximity to various areas of influence from other codex-compliant chapters (most notably, the Ultramarines themselves). Consequence, as well, of their use of the Codex in the 38th millennium, as source of knowledge with which they were able to rebuild themselves, after their own decimation. Still, although most of their original traditions (as developed during the brief period of time in which they existed under their previous chapter designation) remain lost to them, some fragments survive, and in relative resemblance to the way they were crafted from the foundational traditions inherited from their progenitors. All of these preserved into present day in as much as they can be, by the brothers of the Reclusiam.

 

Following this amalgamation of traditions, the Wings of Dawn follow the old chapter structure of the Codex Astartes, both in composition and command, yet they keep their own inner circle from amongst the masters of each of their ten companies. Their task being an agenda all to their own. One which, although not tied to a secret shame as it is with their parent chapter, is still the primary concern of the high command of the chapter at all times: the pursuit of any evidence of the survival of the great enemy they once faced at the sundering of Alcides. As knowledge of the chapter’s past grows within a particular battle brother, they are inducted more and more into this inner circle, and they are granted further responsibility in the eternal watch they all maintain for the return of this great evil.

 

Before even beginning such a path, though, any new warrior that might enter into the ranks of the chapter must pass through a series of trials. Each born from the features of their home world, the state of the human civilization that remains upon it, and the events that led to the chapter’s current condition. All of them playing a part in shaping an aspirant into becoming a true battle brother.

 

Beyond the instruction and training that any potential astartes must survive in order to be considered at all as adequate by the chapter, the inner circle of the Wings of Dawn, then, and under advisement of the Arch Chaplains of the Reclusiam, makes their aspirants go through three particular rites of initiation. Those who survive them, must then perform a ritual of self-sacrifice known to the chapter as the “staring into the light”. Surviving this final trial is the only way to become a battle brother, and with each aspirant that survives it the chapter as a whole comes one step closer to understanding the true nature of their own fate.

 

 

Battlefield doctrines

 

The Wings of Dawn are close adherents to the Codex Astartes. Having taken the text drafted down by the Primarch of the Thirteenth Legion as the basis upon which to rebuild their military structure and traditions; this then combined with the training methods and special combat tactics of their own progenitors.

 

Within the scope of the Codex, the chapter has a particular focus for high-speed assault maneuvers, followed up by the supporting advance of large infantry formations. These, usually deployed through the use of combat squads, so as to pursue specific objectives of tactical value on the battlefield, in accordance to the abilities and equipment of each part of the overall formation.

 

In incorporating various training protocols and combat doctrines inherited from the First Legion, some parts of the chapter organize themselves in specialized wings. With the veterans of each battle company of the chapter always being deployed using suits of Tactical Dreadnought Armor, to engage the enemy with a silent ferocity, akin to the Dark Angel’s first company. With the first assault squad of each battle company of the chapter always being deployed as high-speed shock troops, riding into combat using bikes and landspeeders, with a deft maneuverability and deadly precision, akin to the Dark Angel’s second company.

 

Due to the natural environment of their home world, one of the main weapons of choice for the battle brothers of the chapter, is —of course— plasma. Be that in the form of personal sidearms for most commanding officers of various hierarchical positions within the company structure, in the form of plasma guns and combi plasmas for specialists and sergeants in the battle lines of each company, or in the form of the heavier plasma cannons for heavy gunners in both the battle lines and the heavy support formations of each company.

 

The fuel of these weapons comes from the special emulsion that is abundant in the chapter home world, and it is used indiscriminately by those battle brothers blessed with the honor of wielding the weapons that fire it. Without fear or consideration for their own safety, as they engage the enemy with their armament charged to their deadliest possible capabilities, as often as possible.

 

In combat, the battle brothers of the chapter are merciless, yet always focused on a tactical victory. Never allowing themselves to act upon a desire for blood and carnage for their own sake. Their engagements are well planned and strategic, placing tactical victory over personal glory, every time. Although this makes for the chapter being useful as allies for most other forces in the Imperium, what causes concern for any who fights besides them is the chapter’s willingness to die in combat in order to secure victory for the Imperium; and their expectation that whoever they fight alongside with shares the same disposition. This has often given way for other commanders of various imperial forces to think of the Wings of Dawn as straight up suicidal. Something that would be hard to argue to be far removed from the truth.

 

 

Organization

 

+++ Work in progress +++

 

 

This is as far as I go, at present.


Edited by Berzul, 08 April 2020 - 08:38 PM.

"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#96
jbaeza94

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Berzul, the font you chose is white, it's not readable on mobile without highlighting everything
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"Honor the Legion" - Warcry and Motto of the Legion of the Iron Lions.
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#97
Berzul

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Sorry.... Fixed it right now


"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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#98
Berzul

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Hey, everyone.

 

I have taken all my recent work, and the advice given here as applied to it, and I have started a second draft for the IA here.

 

I will keep this thread, though, for as long as I can, since it contains a lot of input and advice I am still to apply to my overall text.

 

New updates, I'll be making in the 2.0 thread for the IA, though.


"Fiat lux!"
- Battle cry of the Wings of Dawn, a Dark Angel's Successor Chapter

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