I suspected as much, you couldn't really get this much info into one piece if you weren't writing it for yourself. That much is fair enough in every way.
I imagine it happens to most people. After all, despite this being a solid community, we all still live on our own, each one of us. So, you make your backstory for your chapter for yourself, first and foremost. These are your guys, and in writting who they are, you are making a story for yourself to enjoy as you play them later. It's awesome to share it, but it is still for you, first, and for the rest second.
However, I think my criticism still stands, and if you're posting something in a public forum, you've got to accept some level of community-level standardization in a lot of ways. Now, I'm not just being critical, I'm trying to be constructive. I'm not actually telling you what you need to do to get something or go somewhere. More what I'm suggesting is that if you want to make an IA using this particular format that has a lot of community acceptance, which has been taken from the officially released IA's.
I never tried to even imply that your criticism did not stand, still. I am not defending the text as it is. I am explaining why the text is as it is, and, in fact, I think your suggestions are pretty freaking good, and make a lot of sense.
When I first wrote this IA I had no frame of reference really. I wrote it on my own, for myself, and only later did I find the LASC 2019, which I took as an opportunity to polish y writting and keep working the chapter. But then, at the same time, there was little standarized frame of reference, as each thread and post was actually quite different and the suggested frameworks on the pinned post of this subforum are also quite different between them.
This is only if you want to and if you're happy with it I've no criticism of that and that's awesome and can disregard what I've put here anyway. However, for my money I'd still say it'd be beneficial to construct an IA from this, and keep this as the lore explosion for these guys as it is. It'll just allow people to have an easier time to read about your chapter.
Again, I am both happy with how the text is (in the sense that, long though the text may be still, I have already done all the trimming down I am comfortable with doing, and I think that cutting more text would be an excercise based just around reducing the length of the IA, but not of improving the quality of the lore presented, and so, if it is just about making it shorter, then that won't necessarily make it better).
At the same time, again, I agree with you and your suggestions, that the way it is presented causes a high obstacle to appear. The information would be better presented with a more comprehensive summary at the start, and maybe even with a switching of the information. Starting with how the chapter is organized, what their culture is, and how they fight, before jumping in to the backstory of how they got this way. Instead of starting by explaining all the history of the chapter, before getting into who they are as of today and why they might be an interesting chapter.
People most likely would prefer to know how the chapter works, first. Then, if they find it an interesting chapter, they might want to know what the story behind it is. Same as when you explain chapters to people that are outside of the game, I guess. If I wanted to go and explain to someone who the Dark Angels are, I'd probably start with how they are medieval knights in space, that they wear green armor, and robes, and how they have secrets and hide a 10.000 year old shame. That is more gipping than the backstory of the chapter, which can serve to enhance the experience of understanding them; but is not essential to getting a sence of who they are and how they play.
In any case, it's heartening to see an extensive amount of work being put into a DIY chapter and I mean that sincerely. I just think you're not putting your best as good of a foot forward in terms of showing the chapter off to the community as you could be, that's all.
Thank you. And, yeah, probably.
If I get the time, I'll come back and see if I can offer up my two cents on the work itself.
I seriously hope you do! But, then again, considering the points presented, it would be absolutely understandable if you don't get around to it
If you happen to have any comments, I'd be happy to read them. If not, just the suggestions you have already given me are absolutely wonderful and a great help in improving the writting. Thank you!