38 replies to this topic

[Aothaine]

Clockwork

Spoiler

*tick* *tick* *tick* The cogitator controlling the scope on Brother Gemistos' bolt rifle cycled through different magnifications. Each tick honing in on the target further. 

 

War raged around him. Explosions, gun fire, cannons, it didn't matter. All Gemistos' heard was the ticking of the cogitator implanted into his skull.

 

*tick* *tick* *tick* It adjusted for the distance and wind.

 

He had been in position for three days on constant watch before his target exited the command bunker. Now was the time.

 

*tick* *tick* *tick* *bing* *BAM*

 

"Target down." Brother Gemistos said into his vox and re-positioned for his next task.

Edited by Aothaine, 14 December 2019 - 12:32 AM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Clockwork is well-written, Aothaine. Is Brother Gemistos from the Argent Fists Chapter?

[Aothaine]

Clockwork is well-written, Aothaine. Is Brother Gemistos from the Argent Fists Chapter?

 

I kind of left it open. I know that the first marines I will be building in 2020 are going to be Iron Hands. It was delving into Iron Hands lore that gave me the idea for the short story. But he doesn't have to be Iron Hands. I personally think of him being an Iron Hand born Unnumbered Son.

Edited by Aothaine, 14 December 2019 - 12:10 PM.

[Aothaine]

Datamine

Spoiler

The dim glow of the data plate flickered occasionally casting shadows across the room creating shapes that could easily be mistaken for nightmares. A soft purring of cogs filled the air and blended into the smell warm oiled steel. The screen flickered again and changed readouts. No motions were necessary. No physical contact. It was pure wireless bliss. A dangerous practice. Not secure. Javier marveled at the feeling of the data transfer. Lulled into the safety of his private quarters he had risked the breaches in security. He continued to browse through the logs reported by the furnaces daily routines. Basking in the beauty of it's simplicity.

 

A red light flashed in his optic range follow. He had turned the sound off decades ago. He grabbed the icon with his mind and decoded the message. 'Only Gamma?' he thought in a flash as he swiped away the warning sign to clear his optics. He returned to the serenity. 

 

Moments later another red flash in his optics, he decided to ignore it and swiped it away. 'Let the adepts deal with it,' he thought 'and if I catch who keeps messaging me I'll have them on furnace duty for months!' He chuckled to himself which came out through the vox as a distorted and robotized hiss. he noted Furnace 573 was running short on supplies and sent out a message to have supplies delivered to the furnace within the hour. 

 

Another red light flashed upon his optics. "Enough!" he roared through his vox. He pulled open alert and his lenses widened, it was an odd symptom that he had had difficulties removing from the programming. Some thought that the machines were void of emotion, but he knew the truth and others of his age knew the truth as well. The machines were as alive as they. The typed blazed across his robotic and organic minds. +++Delta Alpha Nu Gamma Epsilon Rho+++

 

The lights in the room shut off immediately as the attack began. His systems were shutting down one by one. His minds raced to shut the security gates to his most vital systems and he succeeded to a degree. But he forgot one precious program. His Kernel. The techno virus slammed into his kernel locking him out of control of his entire body. His only access was to his life support systems and he had access to hearing and sight. All else was lost. He slammed his brain against the prison that had become himself and was met with impossibility. He watched as his precious Forgeworld was overrun. Watched as his creations were torn asunder. His despair echoed in the chamber of his mind as his world burned.

 

Not sure if this is over 500 characters. I hope not. Really enjoyed writing this. I could do so much more with it. But I'm limited here for now.

Edited by Aothaine, 18 December 2019 - 05:24 AM.

[Mazer Rackham]

Nice angle played there Aothaine

MR.

[Brother Lunkhead]

I just might try my hand at this one...… 500 words looks very doable

 

Let's see.....

 

See the red aeldari run. Run, run, run red aeldari.

See the big blue space marine chase the red aeldari. Run, run, run big blue space marine.

 

It may need a little polish, but not bad for a first go. Twenty-seven words down, only four hundred seventy-three to go

 

Well.... this is going to be a little weird, but I just couldn't get the Fun with Dick and Jane motif out of my head. I hope you like it. For better or worse I give you...

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Fun with Big Blue Space Marine

 

See the Red Aeldari run.

Run, run Red Aeldari.

Run, run, run.

 

See Big Blue Space Marine chase the Red Aeldari.

 

Big Blue Space Marine wants to kill  the Red Aeldari.

The Red Aeldari want to kill Big Blue Space Marine.

Kill, kill, kill.

 

Big Blue Space Marine aims his bolter at the Red Aeldari.

Bang, bang, bang.

 

Down goes one Red Aeldari.

Oh, poor Red Aeldari.

Oh, oh, oh.

Poor Red Aeldari.

 

The second Red Aeldari turns and fires her shuriken pistol.

Whine, rattle, whine, rattle.

Swish, ping, swish, ping.

 

Big Blue Space Marine raises his bolter.

 

CLICK

 

Oh, oh, Big Blue Space Marine.

Oh, OH!...…

 

The Howling Banshee smiled a savage grin, drew her sword, and charged.

 

The Ultramarine drew his combat knife and met the Aeldari sword with the flat of his blade. A violent jolt shot through his arm, almost causing him to loose the knife.

The Banshee whipped her blade at the neck of the Astartes. The Ultramarine stepped back and dropped down. Slicing into the front of the Astartes' white helmet, the Aeldari blade destroyed his optics. The blue armored marine snarled, kicked out at the Banshee, and rolled back.

 

The Eldar was good, and better armed conceded the Ultramarine veteran. He would have to use his skills wisely to defeat her.

He had better be quick about it too, before he bled out. Several poisoned shards had penetrated the soft armor between his pauldron and chest plate.

 

The Howling Banshee drew herself up. With shuriken pistol in one hand and power sword in the other, she smiled mockingly. "Come mon-keigh. Let us finish this."

 

With a roar, the Ultramarine threw his ruined helmet at the Aeldari warrior and charged.

The Banshee stepped aside, screamed an unholy howl, and fired her pistol at the Space Marine. The Ultramarine winced and thanked the Emperor he'd smashed the crone's augmented helmet earlier. Head low and shoulder out, absorbing the shuriken shards, the Astartes rolled to the side, avoiding the Banshee's deadly sword swing.

Hooking out with his leg, he caught the ankle of the Aeldari, causing her to lose balance.

The Astartes' hand shot out and caught the Aeldari's wrist in a crushing grip. Growling in pain, she dropped her pistol. He swung her like a doll, slamming her into a battle-marked rockcrete wall the moment her power sword cut into his side.

The Ultramarine grunted in pain and plunged his combat blade into the Banshee's chest.

 

She gurgled a curse through bloody lips, as life faded from her eyes. Her body slid down the wall and crumpled to the ground.

 

The Space Marine activated his throat mic. "This is Big Blue. Targets eliminated. Returning to report, rearm, and resupply."

 

The Ultramarine smiled. No doubt, Sergeant Laecus would order punishment drills for his poor bolter discipline.

 

Saluting his dead adversary, Brother Lunkhead turned and jogged back to base camp.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Thanks for reading. That was very cathartic for me Hope it was fun for you

Edited by Brother Lunkhead, 18 December 2019 - 09:11 PM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The fight between the Ultramarine and the Howling Banshee is competently written- enough details to give it flavor, but not so much it drags down the story. Well done, Brother Lunkhead.

The children's story opening is funny.

[Aothaine]

The children's story opening is funny.

 

Dear lord! You gave me another idea for a story! I'll save it for tomorrow! So many stories to read still!

[Aothaine]

Here is a bit of, I woke up two hours after going to sleep and now I'm waiting for sleep aides to kick in story. Hope you all enjoy!

 

Despair

Spoiler

Aeneas found another target and released his last bolt. The heretic's body splattered across the wall behind it as the shell exploded after entering it's body. It was a gruesome sight, but after four straight weeks of fighting his sensitivity to the display had been dulled significantly. He knew after a time the body would rebuild itself anyway. They all did. 

 

The spirit of his armor screamed in pain and sparks flew from the joints as he pushed through the warning flares on the screen before his eyes. He had lost most of his armor’s motors a few days after the fighting had begun. Idaeus had done what he could to fix the armor between engagements but he had been gone for a week now. Devoured by the gelatin bodied heretics that had taken over the Hive World.

 

It was a matter of time before the hunt was on again. He had managed to perform a fighting retreat with his detachment a few days into the fighting after seeing their flagship, Dawns Break, enter the atmosphere in flames. He knew there was no escape. There was no killing an enemy that couldn’t die. His attached librarian had died several days ago. Sacrificing himself in a massive warp explosion as they raced to the docking ports in hopes of extracting the few survivors they had left.

 

This planet was a nightmare made real. The heretic’s bodies would explode at the lightest touch covering the nearby area with rapidly corrosive liquid that melted through anything it interacted with in seconds. The worst part was that the heretics would set each other off in a manner that created a massive killing field through the chain reaction. He lost thirty-four brothers within the first hour of landing alone.The buildings nearby were ramshackles of their former selves. Pockmarked with spherical melted sections in so many places it was a testament to the Emperor’s designs that they were even still standing.

 

Aeneas needed to sleep. He had not slept for twenty-eight days straight now, his mind was starting to blur. He spotted a basement down an alleyway, pried open the doors and stumbled down the stairs. He dropped to his knees upon reaching the floor and scanned the room. Movement flared to his right and he sprang into action immediately drawing his combat knife and spinning into a defensive position.

 

A small child came out from the darkness. Half starved and eyes wide in either terror or awe. He lacked the mark that the other heretics had on their foreheads and Aeneas began to laugh inside his helm when he realized the absurdity of his actions that would have surely killed him if this child had been one of the damned.

 

He lowered his knife, and removed his helm. Gave a gentle smile to the child. His smile faded shortly after the child smiled revealing a split face full of razor sharp teeth. The last sound he heard was high-pitched laughter. The hunt was over.

Edited by Aothaine, 20 December 2019 - 06:03 AM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Despair is better written than 90% of all horror movies; you didn't lobotomize Aeneas to put him in danger. The fact such writing habits are common, fills me with despair.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 21 December 2019 - 04:56 PM.

[Aothaine]

Despair is better written than 90% of all horror movies; you didn't have to lobotomize Aeneas to put him in danger. The fact such writing habits are common, fills me with despair.

 

The problem I was having here is that I needed to describe the scene, what was happening over a period of time and the encounter that Aeneas was going through. I was also up in the middle of the night and just trying to exhaust my mind so I could fall back asleep. lobotomizing Aeneas really wasn't what I was trying to do though. I was trying to show that he was mentally exhausted. Not just from being up for 4 weeks straight. But also from having lost all of his battle brothers and any means of escaping this horror. I wanted to draw out the last hunt of him and maybe a few of the remaining marines and I think it would have helped bring out the horror of it all a lot better. I wanted to also describe the scene with the daemon child better and give the room more detail. 

 

Something I know I need to work on more is my detailing. I am no where near satisfied with my current detailing skills when writing but I am super happy that this thread is helping me write more. I have a very active imagination but sometimes have problems writing down what I am seeing in my head. Perhaps it would have been better to write this story as two or more separate entries going into more detail to set the scene with the finale being the end of Captain Aeneas. 

 

May I ask for some specifics one what gave you the impression of Aeneas appear to be lobotomized? Only way to get better is if people tell you what they didn't like and what doesn't work. You have been one of the most vocal people in regards to advising me about the stories I have written and posted on the B&C and I really appreciate and value your opinion Bjorn Firewalker. I do look forward to your thoughts and the thoughts of all others after posting my stories. 

 

Thank you very much! 

[Bjorn Firewalker]

I meant to say, "You did not lobotomize Aeneas." Bad writers do this to their own characters to build tension and set up the next scene. (Glares at Rian Johnson, Roberto Orci, and Zack Snyder.) you are NOT a bad writer, you did NOT lobotomize your own characters, and I applaud your artistic integrity.

[Aothaine]

I meant to say, "You did not lobotomize Aeneas." Bad writers do this to their own characters to build tension and set up the next scene. (Glares at Rian Johnson, Roberto Orci, and Zack Snyder.) you are NOT a bad writer, you did NOT lobotomize your own characters, and I applaud your artistic integrity.

 

Ohhhhh! Lol! My bad. Thank you for the compliment! I still stand by my statements about my personal thoughts on my writing though. The story really deserves more attention. I'm not sure I can give it the attention right now though. Going to be documenting all of my short stories for ideas for future books later perhaps. 

Edited by Aothaine, 19 December 2019 - 04:42 PM.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Nicely done Aothaine  Despair is a tight horror story, well focused narrative with exposition that doesn't look forced.