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[Bjorn Firewalker]

This fanfic features Kelborn's Imperial Sons, an Ultramarines successor. As the original Star Wars trilogy inspired his Chapter, so did the sequel trilogy inspire the characters in my story.

When campaigns were fought beyond their anticipated end, the Imperial Sons would resort to hiring Rogue Traders for the additional logistical support the embattled Marines need; the Chapter paid for these services by granting the Rogue Traders the right to seize any spoils the Imperial Sons themselves didn't seize after the battle. Though many Rogue Traders anticipated finding little of value on what were recently battlefields, they saw close relations with Astartes to be far more useful than the relatively paltry sums earned from selling spoils of war.

Hans Corell was one such Rogue Trader, leveraging the Imperial Sons' perception of him as a "useful tool" to have Marines seconded under his command, serving as scouts on his exploratory expeditions, de facto honor guards during diplomatic meetings with planetary governors, and allegedly as an "or else" in business negotiations. In turn, the Imperial Sons exploited the "connections" the Rogue Trader provided, establishing Chapter keeps on planets whose governors dealt with Corell, so the Chapter may recruit from their populace and train for combat on a myriad of environments. One future Imperial Son was recruited from the Eoraptor, Corell's personal vessel.

Chapter One, Part Two
Chapter One, Part Three
Chapter One, Part Four

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 03 February 2020 - 04:49 AM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Prologue

Beniamin "Ben" Corell frowned as the Rogue Trader vessel Double Negative docked with the Eoraptor, allowing the other shipmaster- a young-looking man with what his father's concubines described as a "charming smile"- to enter the finely furnished airlock used to greet honored guests and business partners.

"Smile, Ben," Hans Corell admonished his 10-year-old son. The older Rogue Trader's smug grin revealed nothing but the self-confidence he radiated, as two beautiful women followed his new business partner aboard the Eoraptor. "You need to make potential customers feel welcome at your future place of business."

"I feel something... bad."

"What, you need to defecate?" Hans' jokes were often crude, as befit the former Vendetta gunship pilot; he spent more time in muddy trenches alongside Astra Militarum guardsmen, than he did on pristine decks alongside Imperial Navy officers.

"There's something... bad... in Trade Lord Mars," Ben growled.

"My business sense trumps your feelings," Hans retorted, only for Chaplain Timotheus Zahn of the Imperial Sons to march towards the two.

"Describe what you sense in Jarjarab Mars. Be as detailed as possible," the Space Marine Chaplain ordered, shocking both father and son.

Suppressing his fear the way he saw his father do whenever negotiations failed, Ben focused on the approaching Rogue Trader. "He's hiding something... dark... confusing..."

"Chaotic?" Interpreting the boy's shivering as confirmation of his concerns, the Chaplain drew his plasma pistol and stepped forward to shield Hans from the other Rogue Trader; two other Imperial Sons blocked Jarjarab's concubines' path. "Trade Lord Mars, please disarm and consent to being searched, before meeting Captain Corell."

The young-looking Rogue Trader maintained his "charming smile," though his eyes now expressed anger only an older man could control. "Trade Lord-"

"Captain," Hans interrupted. "I never cared for fancy titles."

"Captain Corell, please maintain control over your ship's crewmembers," Jarjarab continued. "I can forgive one transgression-"

"If you do not disarm and consent to being searched, you will not be allowed to meet someone under the Imperial Sons' protection."

Jarjarab's smile widened to reveal more teeth than a human mouth could accommodate; then he drew a rosette, an Inquisitor's badge of office, from beneath his cloth-of-gold shirt. "By the power vested in me by the Ordo Hereticus of the Emperor's Most Holy Inquisition," the disguised Inquisitor declared as his concubines raised their hemlines in a flirty manner, "I hereby sentence Hans Corell to death!"

With that, the Inquisitor's acolytes- death cult assassins disguised as concubines- launched themselves towards the Marines standing between them and their target. One used the chainsword teeth hidden beneath her skirt's lacy hem, to slit one Imperial Son's throat and bring him to his knees, drowning in his own blood; before she could kill again, the second Marine grabbed her ankle and then slammed her against the floor, stunning her before a single shot bolt pistol could travel along the rail extending from her "sleeve gun" compartment to her hand. The assassin's last word was a cry of pain, as the Imperial Son avenged his battle-brother by shooting her in the head.

The second assassin drew two power stilettos from sheaths hidden under her skirt, and reached for Zahn's throat, only for his crozius to blocked her thrust. She squeezed a hidden trigger to fire the stiletto's integral hotshot laspistol, but the Chaplain- who survived innumerable encounters with assassins bearing combination weapons- simply tilted his head out of the laser weapon's line-of-fire. A kick sent the assassin crashing into a wall, before she could attack with her second blade; then a plasma beam vaporized the assassin's head.

Though the Inquisitor's acolytes were dead, their actions drew away his target's defenders, buying Jarjarab time to draw and aim a Drukhari splinter pistol. Hans reached for a customized plasma pistol at his side, but the Rogue Trader couldn't possibly...

"Noooo!" Ben's panicked cry accompanied a burst of psychokinetic energy launching everyone off their feet. Jarjarab's back broke from the force applied to his body; the Inquisitor's face distorted in pain to look downright Daemonic, as he was thrown back aboard his own ship.

Hans quickly pressed a gold button on his coat collar. "Bridge, this is Lone Eagle, confirmation code Alpha-Seven-Seven-Beta-Eight-One-Omega-Zero-Five," he declared into the hidden microphone. "Undock; raise shields; fire on the Double Negative, I say again, fire on the Double Negative. Blow it out of the sky." The Eoraptor's gunners complied with his orders, making the deck shake as Mars' vessel exploded only meters away; despite this, the Rogue Trader had no difficulty climbing to his feet and walking towards his son, who lay unconscious on the floor. "Ben!" A crozius barred his way; knowing he couldn't overpower the one wielding the weapon, Hans tried to calm down as he turned towards the Chaplain.

"Psyker." Zahn's word made the Rogue Trader fall to his knees, knowing his son was condemned to a haunted future.

Spoiler

Edited 28JAN: Changed Jarjarab's surname to "Mars". The original surname, "Marbas", was too on-the-nose.

30JAN: Renumbered this post from "Chapter One" to "Prologue".

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 02 February 2020 - 04:53 PM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Imperial Sons recruits not native to the Chapter planet of Bastion, must adopt new names upon receiving gene-seed and ascension into the ranks; this was meant to cut the Marines' ties to their original families and friends, homes and home planets. The new Imperial Sons must bind themselves to each other, their every thought and feeling focused on their duty to the Primarch Roboute Guilliman, the Emperor, and the Imperium as a whole.

Beniamin Corell was no exception. Taking the name Kilo, the psyker's powers were tempered in the Chapter's Librarius, forging them- and him- into another weapon the Primarch and the Emperor may use against all enemies of the Imperium.

It was on the death world of Renaissance where Kilo proved himself a "trusty weapon" in his battle-brothers' eyes, when the then Codicier recovered IX and XIII Legion relics lost during the Horus Heresy.

Spoiler

Edited 01FEB: I changed the first sentence from "Imperial Sons recruits must adopt new names upon acceptance of their gene-seed" to Imperial Sons recruits not native to the Chapter planet of Bastion, must adopt new names upon receiving gene-seed" (emphasis mine). As the Chapter is not my own creation, I didn't want to make too many assumptions regarding its rites.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 02 February 2020 - 06:31 AM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Chapter One, Part One

Volcanic ash fell onto Codicier Kilo's blue Mark VII power armor as he led two black armored battle-brothers, Lady Inquisitor Reina Palatine of the Ordo Xenos of His Immortal Majesty's Most Holy Inquisition, and two Inquisitorial acolytes towards the volcano- what Renaissance's human colonists named the "Lightsaber," for the blade-like lava fountain it thrust into the sky. To psykers, the volcano was dangerous not for the hot lava or poison gas it generated in the Materium, but for the fear, anger, hatred, and suffering it projected in the Immaterium; the danger drew Kilo and Reina toward the Lightsaber, the former seeking to confirm what he read in records the Imperial Sons inherited from their Ultramarines forebears, the latter for reasons she had yet to reveal.

Kilo raised a hand, which his companions interpreted as an order to stop- as did two laser beams caught in the stasis field the Librarian projected. Though the attacking snipers had no visible, audible, or olfactorial presence, their psychic presence was revealed when they focused to aim and fire their weapons.

Sensing more attackers, Kilo withdrew his hand, psychokinetically pulling the long-las wielders out of their ambush positions to hover in front of the Imperial Sons, so the snipers' bodies may shield them from incoming frag and krak grenades. The Marines, the Inquisitor and her acolytes returned fire, shattering a basalt slab the grenadier used as cover.

"In the Emperor's name, die!" Reina aimed her plasma pistol at her target: a young man wearing a helmet and a pauldron salvaged from a set of Mark III power armor, wielding a power fist-mounted auxiliary grenade launcher. A psychokinetic force pulled back the Inquisitor's arm before the weapon could fire, making her miss. Outraged, Reina turned to the nearest confirmed psyker. "You...!"

"We need him alive to answer our questions," Kilo told the Inquisitor and her acolytes, as the youth fought against the psychokinetic force pinning his power fist to the ground.

"Stand down, Arm Cannon." The speaker wore a helmet, a vambrace, faulds, and greaves salvaged from various Marks of power armor. Despite his impressive physique, with hard muscles visible through the burns covering his exposed torso, the Marines knew he was not one of them- he bore no gene-seed. Five youths followed the burnt man's example, and rose to their feet, brandishing scavenged Astartes weapons.

"I am Kilo Alpha-Eight-Three-Delta, of the Imperial Sons Space Marine Chapter." The Librarian let the now dead snipers fall to the ground, so the burnt man may see Kilo's force sword was pointed at him. "Identify yourself."

"Alpha-Eight...? Ah, you forsook your original name, as we did when we set foot on this hallowed field." The burnt man spread his arms. "I am Lightsaber, leader of the Knights of Renaissance. With me are Death Axe, Corpse Cleaver, Reaper Scythe, Ghost Gun, and War Club," he pointed at the youths respectively armed with a power axe, eviscerator chainsword, manreaper scythe, sniper scoped boltgun, and crozius arcanum. "You already met Arm Cannon," the one trying to lift his power fist off the ground, "Long-Las and his brother, Sword-Bayonet," the dead snipers, bayonets fixed to both their weapons.

"You name yourselves weapons- in whose hands?" Kilo demanded.

The burnt man pointed at the volcano. "In the Lightsaber's. This hallowed field is-"

"Was where the loyal IX and XIII Legions- Blood Angels and Ultramarines- fought the Archtraitor Horus' servants," Kilo repeated what he read. "You think you serve the volcano; in truth, you serve the spirits of those who died here." The cultists wore Astartes helmets- no impediment to a psychic scan, which revealed two minds within each head. "You're haunted."

"Let us be haunted. The Lightsaber exists; it burns; it has no need to justify its actions, or apologize for them. It is its nature, and nothing else." The burnt man's mind was an obsidian mirror, reflecting the madness radiating from the volcano- and more- as he raised his weapon, a crozius with a sword blade fixed to its head. "I dedicated my life to those principles, which direct my thoughts and guide my hands-"

Clang! No one present saw the burnt man cross the 25 meters between him and his target; they only saw the result of Kilo's instincts, which made the Librarian raise his sword, blocking the thrust aimed at his throat.

"To kill you," the burnt man finished his sentence and then spun about to hack and slash at Kilo; the clashing blades' thunder and lightning drowned out even an erupting volcano's flash and bang.

Spoiler

Edited 30JAN: Renumbered this post from "Chapter Two" to "One", the previous Chapter becoming the Prologue.

31JAN: Changed the Inquisitor's given name to "Reina". The original, "Rei", was too on-the-nose.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 02 February 2020 - 04:54 PM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Thank you, Kelborn, for encouraging me to write and for correcting my mistakes; George Lucas, for creating works that inspired us all; J. J. Abrams, for serving as an example to us all

Spoiler

of what NOT to do when writing a story.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 28 January 2020 - 12:20 AM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Currently suffering from Writer's Block. This is what I have so far:

Spoiler

The Knights of Renaissance raised their weapons, only for Kilo to generate a psychokinetic energy wave, launching them off their feet. As the Imperial Sons raised their weapons to execute the stunned cultists, the Librarian began, "I want...!" only to step aside, dodging a diagonal slash that would've cleaved him from shoulder to hip. Kilo thrust his own sword in retaliation, only for the burnt man to spin, dodging the attack while building up momentum for a horizontal slash. "Prisoners!" the Librarian finished, stepping back to dodge the blow and analyze his opponent's unusual fighting style.

"The Knights do not need your mercy," the burnt man growled as an Imperial Son prepared to put War Club in chains. Raising his crozius-sword hybrid so it pointed at the two, he squeezed a hidden trigger to fire a boltshell, which detonated upon the cultist's helmet.

"Ahhhh!" War Club's pained scream was ignored as the Imperial Son put a phase-iron collar upon him, the archeotech restraint inflicting pain whenever the cultist used psychic powers- and whenever psychic powers were used on him. "Where am I?" he demanded as the collar cut the strings to the spirit he was a puppet of. "Who...? Ahhhh!"

"I am not offering them mercy; they are offering themselves as weapons in the Imperial Sons armory," Kilo scanned the minds in the burnt man's head, "Son of Lorgar, Son of Horus, and Son of Angron."

The burnt man stumbled- no, shook with laughter- upon hearing the words.

Three Chaos Space Marines speak through "Lightsaber," their vessel. The burnt man is a Ren analogue, just as Kilo is a Kylo Ren analogue. I intend to have the burnt man address Kilo as a "Son of the Night Haunter," meaning the latter was made with Night Lords gene-seed the future Imperial Sons recovered during the Horus Heresy; but am concerned this goes too far, even for the ruthless, Galactic Empire-inspired Imperial Sons.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 27 January 2020 - 08:21 PM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Chapter One, Part Two

The Knights of Renaissance raised their weapons, only for Kilo to generate a psychokinetic energy wave, launching them off their feet. As the Imperial Sons raised their weapons to execute the stunned cultists, the Librarian began, "I want...!" only to step aside, dodging a diagonal slash that would've cleaved him from shoulder to hip. Kilo thrust his own sword in retaliation, only for the burnt man to spin, dodging the attack while building up momentum for a horizontal slash. "Prisoners!" the Librarian finished, stepping back to dodge the blow and analyze his opponent's unusual fighting style.

"The Knights do not need your mercy," the burnt man growled as an Imperial Son prepared to put War Club in chains. Raising his crozius-sword so it pointed at the two, he squeezed a hidden trigger to fire a boltshell, which detonated upon the cultist's helmet.

"Ahhhh!" War Club's pained scream was ignored as the Imperial Son put a phase-iron collar upon him, the archeotech restraint inflicting pain whenever the cultist used psychic powers- and whenever psychic powers were used on him. "Where am I?" he demanded as the collar cut the strings to the spirit puppeteering him. "Who...? Ahhhh!"

"I am not offering them mercy; they are offering themselves as weapons in the Imperial Sons armory," Kilo scanned the minds in the burnt man's head, "Son of Lorgar, Son of Horus, Son of Angron."

The burnt man stumbled- no, shook with laughter- upon hearing the words. "How many ages passed since I last heard those names?" he said with what was likely the pride of a Son of Horus. "Tzeentch's puppet is finally using his brain," he spat, the voice harsh and guttural as a World Eater's fatalism infused it. "Your trust in the False Emperor's guidance has led you down a false path, crippling your potential!" he preached with a Word Bearer's fanaticism. "You must...!"

"For what end did you come here?" Kilo interrupted.

"Uncover your eyes to see the False Emperor's tyranny for what it is! Unplug your ears to hear His victims speak!" the Word Bearer's spirit continued. The crozius-sword-boltgun spun before the burnt man, parrying four silver boltshells shot at his head and his chest.

"Traitor!" "Heretic!" the Inquisitorial acolytes shouted, their condemnor boltguns raining silver boltshells- anti-psyker ammunition- upon the cult leader.

"I will make you see!" The burnt man disappeared and then reappeared before an acolyte, to slash her across the eyes. Drowning out the now blind acolyte's screams with his own "I will make you listen!" he disappeared and then reappeared beside the second acolyte, the blade thrust in one ear and out the other.

"Caitlin!" Reina's horror at seeing her acolyte's brain skewered and cooked upon the crozius-sword-boltgun and the disruptive energy field it generated, became anger. "Murderer!" She fired her pistol, but the burnt man disappeared before the plasma beam reached him. She saw Death's face- a Mark III helmet marked with burning red Cthonian runes- appear before her, only for Kilo to psychokinetically pull her beyond the burnt man's reach.

Seeing his blade cut through air instead of flesh-and-bone, the burnt man asked, "Are you certain you want to live such a life?" with the congeniality inherent to his original voice. "Slave to bullies and petty tyrants?" He pointed at the Inquistor, who climbed to her feet as Kilo shielded her from harm. "Though they claim to serve the False Emperor, these bullies and petty tyrants are but slaves to their own pride, greed, and lust-"

"I am no slave to human flaws!" Reina protested.

"Ah." Then the spirit of the Son of Horus asked, "Did Ezekyle send you?" making the Inquisitor's eyes widen.

Spoiler

Edited 29JAN: I want to show the Inquisitor's reaction upon hearing that name.

01FEB: I just got Codex: Adepta Sororitas (8th Edition), which provides only one Profile for the condemnor boltgun- evidently no longer the combi-weapon it was in previous Editions. For this reason, I replaced the silver stakes the condemnor boltgun's (now useless) crossbow component fired, with silver boltshells.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 02 February 2020 - 04:55 PM.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Very fine work Brother Bjorn I like that your action sequences are clear but sparsely written. I'm looking forward to more.

Edited by Brother Lunkhead, 29 January 2020 - 09:10 PM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Thank you, Brother Lunkhead.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Chapter One, Part Three

"Answer our questions, or we will do as the Blood Angels did during the Horus Heresy, and subject this place to orbital bombardment," Kilo demanded.

The burnt man answered with laughter. "You have not the power to kill us a second time!" three spirits exclaimed as one, before their vessel said, "But on behalf of the Lightsaber, I will answer your questions."

During the lull, the surviving acolyte continued screaming in pain as she lay on the volcanic field, cooking like meat on a grill.

Reina pointed her pistol away from the burnt man. "First, let me end my acolyte's suffering." She whispered, "Goodbye, Kiri," before squeezing the trigger.

The plasma beam vaporized the acolyte's head, but the headless body continued screaming; the veil between the Materium and the Immaterium was thin around the Lightsaber, imbuing the spirits of those who died there with each other's pain.

The World Eater's contemptuous "Ha!" gave way to the Word Bearer's devout "Praise the Four Gods!" as the cultists' screams joined the spirits' choir, triggering a planetquake.

Kilo voxed, "Brother Iulius, Brother Novak, secure the prisoners aboard the shuttle."

An Imperial Son voxed, "Codicier, our orders are to-"

"Aid the Lady Inquisitor and I," the Librarian finished, erecting a telekine shield as the volcano spat lava in their direction, as if in contempt. "There is little you can do here, where the spirits of the dead threaten us." Kilo felt the Imperial Sons' resignation fade from his senses as they complied with his orders; then his focus returned to the burnt man. "Where is Lexicanum Tianxing's grave?"

"That thrice-damned witch?" the World Eater cursed, before the Son of Horus regained control over the burnt man's body. "What does a Son of the Night Haunter want with the corpse of a Son of Sanguinius?"

Kilo fought to contain his anger at the insult to his honor. "My reasons are my own."

"Fine. If the joygirl will grant me a boon, I will repay you by leading you to the witch's grave."

No words came from Reina as she took deep breaths to calm herself; the Inquisitor knew it was futile to voice her anger at the insult to her virtue. Minutes passed before she growled, "What do you want?"

Spoiler

Edited 02FEB: Changed the Blood Angels Lexicanum's name to "Tianxing". The original name, "Tianxingzhe", was too on-the-nose (it means "One who walks the sky" in Mandarin Chinese).

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 03 February 2020 - 04:44 AM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

"Come." The burnt man turned and marched toward the volcano, which became calm as he gestured to it the way a parent would to a toddler; after scanning his path for unseen dangers, the Librarian and the Inquisitor followed. "Renaissance was a utopia before the War."

"What is a utopia?" Kilo wondered.

"It means 'no place' in proto-Gothic," Reina stated. "This place should not exist."

"It means a perfect realm of peace and love- paradise," the Son of Horus answered. "A soft realm, breeding weak people. Facing adversity is the only path to self-improvement. The IX Legion saved Renaissance when they devastated its environment, forcing its people to fight and kill each other for survival," the World Eater growled. "It was perfect but for its inhabitants' lack of faith," the Word Bearer commented. "Ha!" the World Eater barked. "I led my brothers in the XII, XVI, and XVII Legions here, to correct that," the Word Bearer continued as they approached a crater.

Kilo stopped, arm raised to bar Reina's way, 25 meters from the rim.

"What...?" The Inquisitor noticed the crater formed a perfect circle. "You wanted to open a Warp portal."

"Portals," the burnt man corrected. "We wished to show people the perfection of each of the Four Gods' realms. We still wish that." "Shed your blood upon the runes," still visible along the crater rim, despite the passage of over 10,000 years. "Help us complete our work, and all your wishes can be granted," the spirits said.

"No," Kilo replied. "Your gifts come at too high a price," Reina added.

"Then go-"

Kilo pushed Reina down the volcano while simultaneously launching himself torwards the burnt man, whose crozius-sword-boltgun rose to parry the Librarian's downward slash. As she climbed to her feet, she saw lava erupt from where she stood a split-second ago.

"Before the Four Gods," the spirits finished as their vessel clashed with the Librarian.

Reina's hand was empty- she dropped her pistol when Kilo pushed her off her feet- her right hand pulled at the golden lanyard linking the pistol grip to her left shoulder, returning the weapon to her hand. She aimed the weapon at the burnt man, but he disappeared- slit the veil between the Materium and Immaterium, like Warp Talons seen in Chaos Space Marine warbands- to reappear behind Kilo. The Librarian spun about to parry a backstab, and riposted, only for his opponent to disappear again. "Behind you!" she shouted as Kilo spun again to parry another backstab.

The Librarian prepared to counterattack, only to instinctively sidestep as his opponent made lava erupt from where he stood a split-second ago. The Inquisitor targeted the burnt man, only to stumble as the latter made the ground shake, wasting the shot. Kilo realized the cult leader wished to force him into the crater, likely as a sacrifice to open the Warp portal. He could do little to deny his opponent, whose attacks were difficult to anticipate- a task made near-impossible with the burnt man's psychic powers and evident control over the volcano.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 01 February 2020 - 08:55 AM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Writer's Block is back. My original plan was for the burnt man to be an anarchist, recognizing no authority but himself, like his inspiration; the cult he led, served neither the Emperor or Chaos. As I continued writing, I changed my mind and made the burnt man the vessel of three Chaos Space Marines' spirits.

This is what I have so far:

Spoiler

The spirits laughed at Kilo's growing frustration. "You do not have to die today." "Bring the joygirl to the gateways, so her blood may open portals to the realms of Chaos." "The Four Gods will reward you," "Adopt you as their son," "Name you-"

Kilo staggered as Warp energy burst through the veil to drown out his senses- his very sanity. The cult leader... laid down his weapon and kneeled before him... held his weapon parallel to the ground as his legs bent like coiled springs. Kilo... dwarfed the Chaos Legionnaires kneeling before him to pledge allegiance- even Legio Mortis' 56-meter-tall Imperator Titans- as the Daemon Prince stood before the Warp portal he opened on Terra, birthplace of the human race... matched his opponent's pose. The Librarian sprinted towards his opponent, blade... pinning the False Emperor and the would-be usurper, Ezekyle Abaddon, to the Golden Throne's molten ruin... reaching for the burnt man's throat. His face... was handsome, perfectly proportioned, with no sign of the acromegaly commonly afflicting those who received gene-seed, thanks to Slaanesh's gifts to him; six seconds later, it was a bare skull shrouded in green smoke, promising death and decay to all opposition, thanks to Nurgle's gifts; seven seconds later, it was a bronze beartrap wreathed in red flames, the interlocking teeth threatening to tear flesh and crush bone, thanks to Khorne's gifts; eight seconds later, it was a black oval, blank but for nine blue eyes that constantly changed position, letting him see in all directions, thanks to Tzeentch's gifts. 100,000,000,000 Chaos worshipers exulted, "Hail Overlord Kilo, Daemon Prince of Chaos Ascendant, the Four Gods' Champion, Terra's Conqueror, Mankind's True Emperor!" The Librarian psychokinetically pushed himself off the ground- dodging the lava erupting from the fissure opening where he'd be a split-second later- to land back where he started.

The burnt man sensed the emotions his opponent radiated into the Immaterium. "You see the future you desire?" The spirits added, "You can be truly immortal," "Indomitable," "Free."

Does the dialogue flow naturally to you readers?

I'm constantly editing earlier sections, removing extraneous words to make the story easier to read, adding (what I hope aren't extraneous) words to make it easier to comprehend; I can only hope I succeed.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 02 February 2020 - 04:20 AM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Chapter One, Part Four

The spirits laughed at Kilo's growing frustration. "You do not have to die today." "Bring the joygirl to the gateways, so her blood may open portals to the realms of Chaos." "The Four Gods will reward you," "Adopt you as their son," "Name you-"

Kilo staggered as Warp energy burst through the veil to drown out his senses- his very sanity. The cult leader... laid down his weapon... held his weapon parallel to the ground as his legs bent like coiled springs. Kilo... dwarfed the Chaos Legionnaires kneeling before him- even Legio Mortis' 56-meter-tall Imperator Titans- as the Daemon Prince stood astride the Warp portal he opened on Terra, birthplace of the human race... matched his opponent's pose, before springing fowards, blade... pinning the False Emperor and the would-be usurper, Ezekyle Abaddon, to the Golden Throne's molten ruin... reaching for his opponent's throat. His head... was handsome, perfectly proportioned for a human male, free of the acromegaly commonly afflicting gene-seed recipients, thanks to Slaanesh's gifts to him; six seconds later, it was a bare skull shrouded in green smoke, promising death and decay to all opposition, thanks to Nurgle's gifts; seven seconds later, it was a bronze beartrap wreathed in red flames, the interlocking teeth threatening to tear flesh and crush bone, thanks to Khorne's gifts; eight seconds later, it was a black oval with nine blue eyes floating across its surface, letting him see in all directions, thanks to Tzeentch's gifts... hurt, due to rapidly- even simultaneously- using multiple psychic powers. The cult leader... joined 100,000,000,000 Chaos worshipers in exulting, "Hail Overlord Kilo, Warmaster of Warmasters, Daemon Prince of Chaos Ascendant, the Four Gods' Champion, Terra's Conqueror, Mankind's True Emperor!"

The Librarian psychokinetically pushed himself off the ground- dodging a lava eruption from the fissure opening where he'd be a split-second later- to land back where he started.

The burnt man sensed the conflicting emotions his opponent radiated into the Immaterium. "You see the future you desire?" The spirits added, "You can be truly immortal," "Indomitable," "Free-" The burnt man leaned back to dodge a plasma beam, making lava spout before the Inquisitor in retaliation. "From having to suffer fools like her," the World Eater growled as Reina leapt clear.

"You offer nothing I want," Kilo stated.

"If you wish to remain as blind and deaf as a corpse, then-"

The cult leader disappeared. Kilo spun about, anticipating a rear attack; the blow fell upon his raised sword, chipping the blade and numbing his arms. Lava spouted behind the Librarian, igniting his cape.

"I will make you a corpse." The burnt man's monstrous strength threatened to push his opponent into the lava. "But first, I will show you the glory of the Four Gods' realms," he swore as black smoke choked the air, overwhelming their helmet respirators.

Spoiler

Edited 04FEB: I had the cult leader say, "But first, I will show you the glory of the Four Gods' realms," after he swore to kill Codicier Kilo. The cult leader seems out-of-character without it, as he previously stated his goal was to open a Warp portal, for which he needed Kilo and/or the Inquisitor alive.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 05 February 2020 - 02:52 AM.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Kilo saw red- warning runes the helmet displayed, informing him backpack power unit was overheating. He was weakening; without power, the armor couldn't augment its wearer's muscular strength. He couldn't breathe; the heat made various life support systems malfunction. His shoulders burned- not only from the strain of resisting his opponent, but from the lava splashing his pauldrons, melting their surfaces. Terror gripped Kilo's heart as the Warp energy increased in strength, agitating the spirits haunting the Lightsaber; lava spouted around the duelists, forcing the dead from their graves.

Ectoplasm wreathed the World Eaters, Sons of Horus, and Word Bearers' rotten armor, and the giant skeletons visible through rents torn in the the suits. Damaged weapons rose from their own graves; a gunner's undying rage straightened his reaper autocannon's bent barrels; a swordsman's insatiable bloodlust held together fragments of his shattered sword, as well as his broken bones. The undead warriors raised arms in defiance of their fates...

The cult leader was suddenly flung aside, thanks to a stone the erupting volcano evidently threw against his shoulder.

Kilo sprung away from the spouting lava, one hand tearing off his burning cape, the other pointing his sword at his opponent, who struggled against... flying rocks? As his armor cooled down, warning runes stopped cluttering his helmet display, letting him see the undead Ultramarine assailing the burnt man. The "stone" that saved him was a thunder hammer's head with the XIII Legion symbol visibly marking it, despite a rusty patina; a psychic energy beam replaced the broken haft, allowing the Cataphractii Terminator to swing the ancient weapon against the burnt man. Seven more Cataphractii Terminators- four Ultramarines, three Blood Angels- joined the thunder hammer wielder in exorcising the World Eater, Son of Horus, and Word Bearer's spirits from their vessel. The undead Traitor Marines rushed to their masters' aid, only to collapse, one by one, into shattered armor and broken bones; each of the Loyalist Marines' blows disrupted the cult leader's link to the Warp, from which master and servants all drew their power.

Finish it, a telepathic voice called to Kilo, who turned to face a Terminator in IX Legion colors. The Blood Angel's Aquilon pattern suit was modified to protect its wearer from psychic attacks; Kilo suspected it served as a prototype for the Grey Knights' Aegis armor. The Blood Angel held a lengthened sentinel blade- according to records the Imperial Sons inherited, this two-handed weapon was a gift from Captain-General Constantin Valdor, who led the Emperor's personal bodyguards during the Horus Heresy- his arms extended towards Kilo, offering the weapon. Finish them.

The Imperial Sons Librarian bowed as he took the sentinel blade from Lexicanum Tianxing. "I will." Kilo turned to see a fiery ring form around the burnt man, returning back the would-be exorcists to the grave as the ring expanded.

"I will not be denied!" The vessel of the Son of Horus watched the sentinel blade burn with Kilo's psychic powers, allowing it to extinguish the fiery ring with one cut; the IX Legion Librarian collapsed behind the Imperial Son, knowing his task was done. The burnt man squeezed the trigger, only for a telekine shield to block the shots. "Frak you!" Infused with the World Eater's rage, the burnt man crashed through the telekine shield to bury his blade in... an illusory enemy. "Argh!"

Kilo attacked from the side- just beyond his opponent's peripheral vision- burying his force sword halfway into the burnt man's armpit, before the damaged weapon shattered like glass.

The Word Bearer whispered, "Four Gods have mercy," as metal fragments shredded his vessel's heart and lung; then the Imperial Sons Librarian swung the sentinel greatsword through the burnt man's neck.

The headless corpse screamed; the spirits of the dead could no longer harness Warp energy through their vessel. Psychic lightning- and something more- arced from openings in the veil between the Materium and Immaterium.

Kilo fell to his knees, the words "Emperor have mercy!" upon his lips; he felt the presence of what was undoubtedly His Immortal Majesty, heard the would-be Warp portals' rims crack, and saw the runes disrupted; the Librarian knew the Chaos Gods would no longer directly influence Renaissance or corrupt the planet's inhabitants.

As Kylo Ren inspired Kilo, so did is Ren inspire Lightsaber.

Spoiler

Edited 06FEB and 11MAR: Rewrote the last paragraph to be more active.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 12 March 2020 - 12:55 AM.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Very very fine work Brother Bjporn I eagerly waited for each new installment as I read the last. Your use of the Star Wars material was done very well. Each reference was easily recognizable without being heavy handed.

 

Slight nitpickery:

Hidden Content

 

 

Bjorn Firewalker

Posted Yesterday, 10:26 AM

 

The Word Bearer whispered, "Four Gods have mercy," as metal fragments shredded his vessel's heart and a lung. Kilo swung the sentinel blade through the burnt man's neck, letting the unleashed Warp energy launch the cult leader's head into the sky, crack the would-be Warp portals' rims and disrupt the runes, denying the Chaos Gods a means to directly influence Renaissance or corrupt the planet's inhabitants.

 

The highlighted area is a bit stilted for such an action sequence. I recommend making it more active to give it greater impact. It doesn't need to be more descriptive, just more active.

[Tarvek Val]

I finally found the time to read through this piece in its entirety. I loved the creativity of the narrative — the nods to the Star Wars universe were well-crafted and added great depth to the writing, and I particularly enjoyed the idea of three spirits inhabiting one host. The dialogue was excellently crafted and the action scenes kept me invested throughout the entirety of the piece. All in all, a very engaging and well-written story — great work.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Writer's Block still weighs upon me, interfering with efforts to write Chapter Two. Meanwhile, I re-read Chapter One's ending, noted the scene was indeed as stilted as Brother Lunkhead noted here, and rewrote it thus:

The Word Bearer whispered, "Four Gods have mercy," as metal fragments shredded his vessel's heart and lung; then the Imperial Sons Librarian swung the sentinel greatsword through the burnt man's neck.

The headless corpse screamed; the spirits of the dead could no longer harness Warp energy through their vessel. Psychic lightning- and something more- arced from openings in the veil between the Materium and Immaterium.

Kilo fell to his knees, the words "Emperor have mercy!" upon his lips; he felt the presence of what was undoubtedly His Immortal Majesty, heard the would-be Warp portals' rims crack, and saw the runes disrupted; the Librarian knew the Chaos Gods would no longer directly influence Renaissance or corrupt the planet's inhabitants.

Hope this works.

Edited by Bjorn Firewalker, 12 March 2020 - 01:02 AM.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Yup, I think that works